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Eye for an Eye: WORLD OPEN WEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP - Magnus Destructo v. Impulse

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LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
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The King of All Monsters versus The Golden Boy

Deadline: Saturday, July 24, 11:59pm Eastern Time
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RStrawsma

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MAGNUS DESTRUCTO WILL CRUSH YOUR HEAD WITH HIS COD-PIECE!!!

(CUE UP: The Isengard theme from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. The camera makes a sweeping pass through a craggy rift cutting through the Carpathian Mountains. The sky is a sick, tannish-orange color... the setting sun red like a blood-clot, pasting the black peaks and cliffs in a sanguine light. A mass of fluttering bats pass over the camera and fly beyond it with insane piercing shrieks. Below us, filling the entire valley that exists in front of the KEEP OF ETERNAL DARKNESS is filled with a black mass...)

“MAGNUS!! MAGNUS!! MAGNUS!! MAGNUS!!”

(No, not a mass... a MOB of Magnus Destructo fans, converging upon the Dreaded Devourer’s homestead. Some come wearing their own home-made black armor, and others come bearing torches. Like war banners, some hold up cardboard fan signs.)

(The shot finally comes to rest on the mandible-shaped balcony overlooking the front of the keep. Peering down is the always sour-faced DOMINATRA BOZOTH, bleached hair stacked up in a ratty beehive and corset studded with ebony spikes. Here black-ringed eyes look FURIOUSLY down upon the crowd of Destructo devotees who have come to pledge their support to the Baron of Brutality, and her scratchy voice soon cuts through her skull-shaped microphone.)

Dominatra Bozoth
LISTEN WELL, you filthy WRETCHES!! The END of DAYS is AT HAND!! The glorious hour of DESTRUCTION is upon us!

Still think you’re READY?!

(An affirmative rises out of the sea of fans in the form of a “HOO-HAH”. Sneering, she glances over to the corpulent GOLLOMOCH standing off to the side of the balcony and tilts her head briefly. Gollomoch NODS before tipping over a nearby vat and sending a rain of hot boiling oil into the first front rows. SHRIEKS of pain rise up... go quiet... and the crowd POPS again.)

Dominatra Bozoth
Then so be it, MAGGOTS... I hope all of you are READY TO DIE...

Now KNEEL before the DREADED DEVOURER... KNEEL before the BARON of BRUTALITY...

KNEEL... before MAGNUS DESTRUCTO!!!

(The mob ROARS, and begins chanting again...)

“MAGNUS!! MAGNUS!! MAGNUS!! MAGNUS!!”

(We cut to the room just beyond the black curtain leading to the balcony. While the crowd CHANTS outside, DULAK the DEFILER applies the final touches of a spit-shine on the lord’s devil-themed helmet. One would note that his spit looks very black, and doesn’t so much shine the leathery hide of the helmet as it does glaze it in a layer of grime.)

(Heavy footsteps approach, and a shadow falls over him. A GAUNTLETED HAND with clenched, angry fingers lurks into the frame. Dulak humbly dips his head as he presents the helmet to his master. The hand opens and retrieves the helmet... and BAM!! Dulak gets knocked out of the frame as the lord’s free hand smashes itself into his face! The camera trails up as the helmet is brought up and placed over the midnight black mane of a grisly warlord... who promptly strides forward, approaching the curtain...)

(Cut back to the balcony, as the curtain is literally RIPPED to shreds, and a ROARING MAGNUS DESTRUCTO storms out onto the balcony, arms held triumphantly out, mouth AGAPE and showing rows of blood-stained teeth... eyes wild, murderous, and INSANE! The mob POPS AGAIN – and what appear to be body parts are thrown up onto the balcony to the Baron of Brutality’s feet. Wonder where those came from...)

(After milking the entrance for a few moments, he holds out his hand and is given the skull-mic...)

Magnus Destructo
INSOLENT CRETINS!! I COME TO YOU, PROMISING DEATH, DESTRUCTION, AND SLAVERY... AND STILL YOU GROVEL, COMING TO MY HOME AND SHOWING ME HUMILITY, WEAKNESS, AND BLIND DEVOTION!!

(He cuts himself off... listening to the “MAGNUS!!” chants echo off the surrounding black crags... and an evil smile crosses his face.)

Magnus Destructo
HAH... VERY WELL!!

IF IT’S DESTRUCTION YOU WANT, THEN IT’S DESTRUCTION YOU FOOLS WILL GET!! CONSIDER YOURSELVES... MY OWN PERSONAL ARMY OF AGONY!!

(He juts a fist out in what seems to be a random direction.)

Magnus Destructo
AND WE WILL MARCH, MY CHILDREN, UPON THE CITY OF HARTFORD... THE MODERN MEGGIDO!! THERE, WE WILL BRING THE APOCALYPSE ON THE FACE OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!! THERE, I WILL DECLARE MYSELF AS THE NEXT LEVEL O F WRESTLING’S FIRST AND FOREVER OPENWEIGHT CHAMPION!!

THERE... YOU WILL WITNESS THE DEMISE OF THE MARATHON MAN... THE FOOL OF THE WEAK NAME, “RANDALL KNOX”... THE ONE THEY KNOW AS IMPULSE!!!

(A fan down in front suddenly rips open his trench coat, revealing a t-shirt that reads “IMPULSE IS THE NEXT LEVEL!!”)

Impulse Fan
IMPULSE RULES!!

(At once, the Destructo fans surrounding him SWARM the disguised interloper and rend him to pieces with their bare hands!! Magnus points down into the crowd...)

Magnus Destructo
BRING THAT INFIDEL TO ME!!

(All that gets there is the poor bastard’s HEAD, tossed up in a long arc. Destructo SNATCHES IT out of the air by the nape of hair across the back of the head. The horror-stricken face of the Impulse fan still twitches slightly as the Baron of Brutality looks him dead in the eyes – literally.)

Magnus Destructo
YOU WEAK, INSIGNIFICANT, BLITHERING IDIOT!!! YOU SHOW YOUR LOVE AND DEVOTION TO THAT INSECT!!! THAT WORM!!! YOU SIDE WITH WEAKNESS, FAITH, AND STUPIDITY, AND YOU DARE SHOW YOUR FACE HERE!!

GHA-HAH!! YOUR DEVOTION ISN’T EVEN WORTH ITS WEIGHT IN SHIT!! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON THAT SCRAWNY COWARD, I WILL REND HIS LIMBS FROM HIS TORSO AND USE IT AS A BAG-PIPE!! I’LL BLOW YOU A TUNE THROUGH HIS MEAGER LUNGS, AND OUT HIS HAGGARD AND HAIRY ASSHOLE!! I’LL PLAY YOU A FUNERAL DIRGE IN THE WAKE OF YOUR HERO’S DEATH AND MUTILATION!!

AND WHEN THAT OPENWEIGHT TITLE GETS PUT AROUND MY WAIST, I’LL GO INTO THE SEATS, AND CRUSH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR PATHETIC, EMPTY SKULLS, COURTESY OF A FIVE-TON TEA-BAGGING BY MY SPIKY COD-PIECE!!!

(In a raging bellow, he HEAVES the decapitated head high and far-off into the range of Carpathian Mountains. It lands with a PLOP in a pool of molten lava.)

Magnus Destructo
I WILL DEVOUR EVERY IDIOT IMPULSE DEVOTEE THAT DARES SPEAK THE BLASPHEMY THAT SUCH A WEAKLING IS MORE THAN THE BARON OF BRUTALITY!! I WILL ERASE EVERY MEMORY AND NOTION THAT A “RANDALL KNOX” EVER EXISTED!!

WHEN I’M DONE, THEY’LL BE CALLING HIM “NO PULSE!!”

(The fans POP LOUDLY!! The Impulse fan’s entrails are thrown to the balcony. Destructo bats something out of the air and STOMPS ON IT. It bursts in a way that leaves the stomach turning.)

Magnus Destructo
THEY CALL THIS DAY OF DESTRUCTION, TORMENT, AND MURDER... “EYE FOR AN EYE!!”

HOW APPROPRIATE!! WHEN YOU THINK “DISMEMBERMENT”... THEN THE FIRST THOUGHT THAT SHOULD ENTER ANY OF YOUR PUNY HEADS SHOULD BE MY FACE!! SO I’LL TAKE AN EYE FOR AN EYE... AND AN EAR... AND A FEW FINGERS... AND A KIDNEY, AND A SPLEEN, AND MAYBE ALSO A NEW SET OF LUNGS!!

HELL, I’LL TAKE ANYTHING THAT RAT-DICK IM-PUSSY HAS TO OFFER, CAUSE IN THE END, EVERY LAST DAMN BIT OF NEXT LEVEL’S GOLDEN CHILD WILL END UP IN MY BLACK TOILET OF TORMENT!!

(SFX: Brief double-bass blast-beat and Shrill guitar fill.)

Magnus Destructo
THEY SAY THE WEAK AND DEFENSELESS CALF IS INJURED!! HOW PLEASANT!! I CAN SMELL HIS WEAKNESS JUST AS WELL AS I CAN SMELL HIS FEAR!! HE IS LIKE A BLEEDING FOOL STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF OCEAN... AND I AM A GREAT BLACK SHARK, HONING IN ON THE SCENT... PARTING MY JAWS AND PREPARING TO DEVOUR!!

SO ONWARD, CATTLE... LET HARTFORD BURN!! LET THE BEASTS BRAY IN THE NIGHT, AND DRIVE THE WEAK, CHRISTIAN SCUM INSANE WITH THEIR ANIMAL BLASPHEMIES!! LET THE BLOOD RAIN FROM THE SKIES AND THE ENTRAILS OF LESSER BEINGS LAY IN THE STREETS!!

ONWARD... TO THE ENNH-EHHLLL-DUBBLE-YOO OPENWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!!!

(CUE UP: Behemoths’ “Conquer All.” Another ROAR rises out of the crowd. Magnus continues posing as Dominatra, Gollomoch, and Dulak enter the frame. Decent group shot of the Fearsome Foursome as we fade out to the NLW Eye For An Eye logo.)
 
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