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EPW Wrestleverse II - Los Angeles, CA - 1/24/07

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DBrunkGXW

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Dan Ryan vs. Irishred - Steet Fight - Part Two

[CUT TO: The Greyhound bus, roaring through the night en route to Las Vegas. Dan Ryan and IrishRed, sitting with referee Rosenkrantz between them, are doing their best to NOT reach across the official and kill each other. Somewhere off-camera, some old lady can be vaguely heard babbling about her grandkids.]

DT: Hey, we're back on the bus!

[Ryan sighs, boredly.]

RYAN: ...So.

IRISHRED: So.

RYAN: Ever been to Vegas?

IRISHRED: Yeah.

RYAN: 'S nice.

IRISHRED: Yeah.

RYAN: Yeah.

[There's silence.]

IRISHRED: I've gotta pee.

[Red gets up and makes for the washroom.]

RYAN: Me too.

[He follows suit. The referee does too, and all three men file into the washroom, along with the cameraman. Red locks the door.]

DT: --OH, DAN RYAN SLAMS HIS FIST INTO IRISHRED'S FACE AND KNOCKS HIM AGAINST THE BACK WALL OF THE WASHROOM!!! RED FALLS BACK AND RYAN GRABS THE PLUNGER AND STARTS BASHING HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH IT!!!

MN: Hahahaha! Fighting in the washroom of a Greyhound bus! That's a first!

DM: How do they even FIT into that tiny stall?!

DT: I don't know, but IrishRed just grabbed the business end of the plunger! Yanks it out of Ryan's hands! DRIVES THE BUTT INTO HIS STOMACH!!! DDT!!! DDT ON THE FLOOR OF THE GREYHOUND BUS WASHROOM!!!

DM: Red grabbing Ryan by the hair now...

MN: Oh no...

DT: OH NO!!! OH GOD HE JUST PUSHED DAN RYAN'S FACE INTO THE TOILET AND HIT THE FLUSH!!! DAN RYAN IS STRUGGLING LIKE A WILD ANIMAL BUT IRISHRED IS NOT LETTING UP!!!

MN: THIS IS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!

DM: I CAN'T BELIEVE... THAT LOWLIFE SLIMEBALL IRISHRED!!!

DT: RED SLAMS HIS FIST AGAINST THE BACK OF RYAN'S HEAD! AGAIN - RYAN JUST REARS BACK AND ROARS, SLAMMING IRISHRED INTO THE WALL OF THE BUS!!! ELBOW TO THE GUT OF IRISHRED!!! TAKES HIM BY THE HEAD AND SMASHES HIM FACE-FIRST INTO THE MIRROR, AND IT SHATTERS INTO A MILLION LITTLE FRAGMENTS!!!

MN: Hahaha! Seven years' bad luck for IrishRed!

DT: RED BLEEDING FROM THE FOREHEAD AGAIN--

[There's a knock on the door.]

OLD LADY: Hurry up, ya young whippersnappers! I have ta use the facilities!

[Red and Ryan look at each other. The referee opens the door, and the men file out, letting the little old bitty dodder into the washroom.]

OLD LADY: Oh my, what a mess! Who's responsible fer all this?

[Ryan, Red, and the cameraman all point at referee Rosenkrantz.]

RYAN/RED/CAMERAMAN: Him.

ROSENKRANTZ: What th-

OLD LADY: Oh my, back in my day we had respect for others' property-

[Ryan slams the washroom door shut.]

ROSENKRANTZ: You guys are losers.

[Ryan and Red don't answer him. They shuffle towards the back of the bus and sit down. In passing, the cameraman turns the shot to a middle-aged couple whispering to each other.]

WIFE: [Frank, did you hear all the commotion in there? Four grown men in a washroom stall?]

FRANK: [Well, what do you expect from those queers, Margaret.]

MN: --What did he just-

DT: Folks, it looks like the match is again on hold, so let's get back to Los Angeles! We’ve got some more video from backstage!
 

DBrunkGXW

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Ice Tre in

[CUT: backstage - A white bandaged wrapped around his oddly shaped, awkwardly white head, Ice Tre balances "looking pimp" and "looking hard" while fingering the vending machine.]

IT: C'mon, baby ... give up the Snapple ...

[The vending machine obliges, spitting out that fabulous sugar-laced nectar we call Snapple. Reaching down to get it, Tre glances up in time to catch the passing EPW World Champion, Lindsay Troy, seemingly on the way to the ring looking worried. She barely even glances at him. He stands up, smelling her sweet ... sweet pheromones and admiring her curves in motion, in person.]

IT: Got'DAYUM that's one FINE ass!

[He gulps down his drink, some streaming down his chin as Cassidy Stewart steps up behind him.]

CS: You happy now? Content? Are we DONE for the night, Tre? You were carried off by homeless people, Tre. HOMELESS PEOPLE!

[Tre follows Lindsay Troy's majestic figure until it's out of his view, a smile pasted on his face.]

IT: Yeaaah. Yeaaah, son. We done. For tonight.

[Cassidy breaths a sigh of relief, following his newest, most troublesome client to date towards the arena exit.]

CS: We've got a lot of work to do, Tre. A lot.

IT: I'm down.

MN: You know what? I’m actually starting to like him a little bit. Heh.

DT: We’re still getting nothing from the Greyhound, so we’re gonna take a break and compose ourselves. We’ll be right back!
 

DBrunkGXW

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Dan Ryan vs. Irishred - Street Fight - The Conclusion

DT: We’re back! And I’m told we’re finally receiving video from the street fight!

[CUT TO: A bus stop somewhere... where a Greyhound has pulled in. With a rumble of its engine the vehicle begins to pull away, revealing Dan Ryan and IrishRed standing at the bus stop, refreshed and mysteriously cleaned up.]

DT: Well, folks, it looks like Dan Ryan and IrishRed have made it to Las Vegas!

[Ryan and Red look at each other.]

RYAN: Well. Viva Las Vegas.

DT: --OH, Ryan wasting NO time here DRIVING that big foot into the gut of IrishRed! Red shoots forward and slams Ryan into the wall behind him! Ryan hammering on Red's back - throws him off, to the sidewalk!

MN: Where ARE they, anyway?

DM: Looks like they're... somewhere on the strip, apparently.

DT: IrishRed down on the sidewalk, whirling to his feet - oops, he backed into the street and my GOD HE ALMOST GOT RAN OVER BY A CAB! This is dangerous!

DM: Look at Ryan! He's just STALKING towards Red like an ANIMAL, FORCING him to back into the traffic!

DT: Red's backing into the road and BY GOD THAT BEETLE JUST ABOUT RAN INTO HIM! Oh, look out, IrishRed! Watch out for the van!

MN: Sweet, there goes a 'vette!

DM: IrishRed's turning tail and just bolting across the road!

DT: Dan Ryan hot on IrishRed's heels as he chases him across the Vegas strip -

MN: He's heading for those, uh, those big towers there!

DT: Looks like IrishRed is making a beeline for the Mandalay Bay complex, and Dan Ryan is hot on his heels, chasing him through the crowds of people lining the sidewalk - wait a minute, Red's getting tangled in the crowd - Ryan catches up with him and SLUGS him in the back but Red keeps going!

DM: IrishRed knows he needs to get into clear waters before he can stand a chance against the Ego Buster! Look at all these shocked people!

MN: They don't know WHAT to do!

DT: Red bolting up the way to the building - bursts through the front doors and into the lobby, and Dan Ryan is right behind him! Now IrishRed running past a stand of brochures, grabbing a handful, and he throws them back into Dan Ryan's face! Ryan's batting the fluttering brochures away, but he's been slowed down a little!

DM: Wait, Red's coming right at him - SPEARS DAN RYAN OUT OF HIS BOOTS AND DOWN TO THE FLOOR!!!

DT: IrishRed comes down on top of Ryan and starts pounding on him with rights and lefts! Ryan covering up but Red is like a bulldog here!

MN: The boss'll get him! Just you wait!

DT: Wait a second - OHHHMYGOD RYAN JUST GRABS IRISHRED AND PICKS HIM UP OVER HIS HEAD LIKE A STRUGGLING CHILD!!! Carries him into the lobby - oh God, eyeing those SLOT MACHINES - no, boss, don't do it! - OH GOD HE LAWN DARTS IRISHRED FACE FIRST INTO A SLOT MACHINE AND DID YOU HEAR THAT SICKENING CRASH!!!

MN: --Ahahaha! Look at that! IrishRed hit the jackpot!

DT: Those, those tokens are just spilling out over the body of IrishRed!

MN: Well, he may be dead, but he'll die rich!

DT: A smirking Dan Ryan advancing on his prone foe - wait, IrishRed stirs! He's flinging those tokens at Dan Ryan like bullets! The big man covers up to block the assault!

DM: Hey, look, what's that waitress doing here?

MN: Is that a martini?

DT: Red pings another token off of Ryan - grabs the drink tray from the waitress - sets the martini aside and NAILS RYAN IN THE FACE WITH THE DRINK TRAY! The Ego Buster's stunned... And now IrishRed... sips the martini!

MN: Shaken, not stirred -

DT: -AND THEN HE SHAKES DAN RYAN'S BRAINS WITH A VICIOUS SUPERKICK AND I THINK HE JUST TOOK THE BOSS' HEAD OFF!!!

MN: Booooo! IrishRed is an Octo*****!

DM: I dunno, it looks to me like he's got a license to kill here tonight!

DT: Oh no, and Red just dumped the rest of that martini on Dan Ryan! What a sickening thing to do - OH GOD AND NOW HE SMASHES THE GLASS IN DAN RYAN'S FACE AND THE BOSS HOWLS IN PAIN!!! DEAR GOD, TALK ABOUT SALT IN A MAN'S WOUNDS!!!

DM: ...That has to be the most unique adaptation I've seen when it comes to smashing a bottle of beer in a guy's face.

DT: Red not relenting here! Takes Dan Ryan by the hair - drags him through the lobby and SLAMS his face against a wall! Now pulls him back - hooks him up - GOD, SPEARS HIM THROUGH A NEARBY SET OF DOUBLE DOORS!!!

MN: --Hey, look!

DT: Th-that's the corridor to the Events Center! And it looks like there's something going on - uh-oh!

[CUT TO: The camera pans up to a wrestling ring in the middle of the Events Center. There is a sign posted from the rafters.]

DT: UCW?!

DM: Whoa, it's an Ultimate Championship Wrestling show!

MN: Oh, snap! This is gonna be like when we had to bleep out <BEEP> on TV, isn't it?!

DM: They still beep it out? Why, that's just- GXW!!! <beep>-ha I beat the censor!

DT: I can't believe this! Dan Ryan and IrishRed have coincidentally ended up at a UCW show, and IrishRed has just thrown Ryan into the crowd! Ryan struggles to get away and reaches the barricade... Red heads after him - kick to the gut by Red! Calling for the DDT - wait no RYAN BACK BODY DROPS IRISH RED OVER THE BARRICADE AND DOWN TO RINGSIDE!!!

MN: Look at that! The two guys in the ring don't know WHAT to make of all this!

[CUT TO: The ring. Two jobbers are watching Ryan and Red in confusion!]

DT: A bloody and infuriated Dan Ryan in control now! Fishes a steel chair out of the crowd... he's tapping it against the ground and waiting for Red to get up... SMASHES HIM RIGHT IN THE ******* FACE WITH THE UNFORGIVING STEEL!!! IRISHRED HITS THE FLOOR AND HE MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD!!!

DM: Ryan's not finished yet!

MN: Get 'im, boss! Kick his ass!

DT: Ryan slams the chair down onto IrishRed's prone body! And one more time! And again he brings that brutal steel down onto the twitching corpse of the Irishman! The fury in Dan Ryan's face is palpable!

DM: He wants to end IrishRed's life! He's been taken out of EPW and dragged all the way here, and he wants blood!

DT: One of the UCW talents stepping through the ropes to get a closer look... OH GOD RYAN JUST SLAMMED THAT CHAIR INTO THE SKULL OF THE UCW PROSPECT!!! AND AGAIN!!! HE'S FURIOUS AND LASHING OUT AT ANYTHING THAT PISSES HIM OFF!!! And now he storms over to IrishRed - grabs him by the arm and drags him up, and WHIPS HIM BODILY INTO THE RING STAIRS!

MN: He shook the stairs right off the pole!

DM: Dan Ryan is a man possessed! He's seething with fury and he is NOT going to let IrishRed walk away from this match with his life! Those two UCW kids had better stay out of his way!

DT: Now Ryan, picking up IrishRed... oh, Red's been busted open by those chairshots! Look at the blood running down his face! God, what a gory mess he is, and Dan Ryan rolls him into the ring - climbs in after him and LEVELS THE OTHER UCW GUY WITH THAT DAMN STEEL CHAIR!!!

DM: There's still blood spattered across the chair!

DT: AND AGAIN RYAN DRIVES THAT CHAIR DOWN ONTO THE FALLEN RED! Drops to a knee and picks him up by the hair - DRIVING THAT HUGE FIST INTO THE CUT ON IRISHRED'S FOREHEAD! RED SCREAMING IN PAIN!!!

MN: As he should be! He's getting what he deserves for attacking our company! He's getting what he deserves for talking crap about Dan Ryan's daughter!

DT: Dropping Red to the ground, Ryan comes up again and SLAMS a boot down onto Red's face! Sizes him up - wait, one of the UCW guys is getting up - Ryan DRIVES a boot into his gut! Now sets him up -- CALLING FOR IT -- OH GOD, look where he's standing, right near Red! HOISTS UP THE PROSPECT - HUMILITY BOMB!!! HUMILITY BOMB ONTO IRISHRED!!! THE WEIGHT OF THAT UCW WRESTLER COMES CRASHING DOWN ONTO IRISHRED'S BROKEN BODY!!! RYAN ROLLS THE KID OFF!!! GOES FOR THE COVER!!!

ONE -


TWO -



THREE!



--NO!!! NO!!! IRISHRED KICKED OUT!!!

MN: AAAAAH! That was three!

DM: Ohhh no, so close! Red got the shoulder up just in time! Good lord, it was almost over!

DT: Ryan can't believe it! He thought this match was his! Not wasting a minute, though - grabs Red by the hair and throws him violently against the turnbuckles! SLAMS THE CHAIR INTO HIS FACE!!! Now dropping the chair behind him - Ryan grabs Red and OH NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX ONTO THE CHAIR!!! HOLDS ON!!! ONE -

TWO -


THREE - NO, IRISHRED KICKED OUT!

DM: IrishRed is reaching down deep inside and pulling out the will to survive! You have to admire the guts of this man, to survive in the ring and a state away with a furious Dan Ryan!

MN: There's such a thing as too MUCH guts! Stay down, Red!

DT: A furious Dan Ryan reaching for the chair - wait a minute, here comes UCW security! UCW security flooding the ring! Ryan NAILS one of the guards with the chair! Another! Down goes a third! Another guard catches him from behind! Ryan pushes him into the other guards!

DM: We are SO sued! **** **** ****, we are SO SUED!

DT: Ryan levels another guard, and they've just taken the hint and made their way outside the ring! Ryan beginning to turn - RED'S ON HIS KNEES - COLLAPSES UP BEHIND RYAN - OH GOD!!! LOW BLOW!!! LOW BLOW TO THE OWNER OF THE COMPANY!!!

MN: BOOOOOO! DQ! DQ!

DM: There are no DQs! It's a fight! Dan Ryan's attention got pulled away and IrishRed managed to recover!

DT: But IrishRed is still exhausted! He's still kneeling on the mat, bloodied and winded! Can he find the energy to capitalize on this?!

DM: It's his only chance!

DT: Dan Ryan down on the canvas holding his goods! IrishRed slowly fighting to his feet! Picks up the chair and SMACKS it down across Ryan's back, and Ryan's the one doing the hurting now!

MN: No! Someone stop the match!

DT: Again Red waffles Ryan with the chair! Now throws it to the mat... rolls Dan Ryan on top of it, face-down, and he's heading to the top rope! The UCW crowd is on its feet! The crowd here in LA is on its feet!

MN: No! He can't do this!

DT: IRISHRED OFF THE TOP!!! COLD SHOT!!! THAT BRUTAL KNEE DRIVING INTO THE BODY OF DAN RYAN!!! AND HE GRABS AN ANKLELOCK!!! IT'S THE DOUBLE TROUBLE!!! THAT ANKLELOCK WITH THE KNEE TO THE KIDNEY OF THE BOSS!!! RYAN HOWLING IN AGONY!!!

MN: WHAT?! SOMEONE STOP HIM!!!

DM: RYAN HAS TO FIGHT OUT OF IT!!! There ARE no rope breaks in a street fight!

DT: Ryan screaming in pain! He's trying to get away but IrishRed is weighing down on him! IrishRed wrenching at that ankle! This one's gonna be over!

DM: Ryan's going to have to muster all of his strength! If he can't break his way out of this anklelock he's going to have to give up!

DT: Gritting his teeth, Ryan tries to roll over - Red braces with his other leg! Ryan can't budge him!

MN: Listen to him groaning! This is inhuman! It can't end like this!

DM: Ryan rocking and howling like a man possessed! Trying to get out of the anklelock! Setting his shoulders - OH MY GOD-

DT: WITH EVERY OUNCE OF STRENGTH DAN RYAN HEAVES TO HIS FEET!!! IRISHRED CRASHES OFF OF HIS BACK AND HITS THE FLOOR, HEADFIRST!!! WHAT A SHOW OF STRENGTH BY THE OWNER OF EPW, DAN RYAN!!!

MN: Yeaaaah! EPW rules!

DT: Red tries to chop out one of the legs - RYAN JUST SNAPS A HEEL BACK AND KICKS HIM RIGHT IN THE JAW! RED GOES DOWN! I think he just spit up blood!

DM: He did! Looks like something's busted up inside!

MN: Good! Serves him right! He really IS a bloody idiot!

DT: Looks like Dan Ryan is back in control... favouring that ankle as he picks up the reeling Red... heaves him off the CANVAS... OH MY GOD HE JUST PRESSED RED OVER THE TOP ROPE AND DOWN ACROSS THE BARRICADE!!! RED'S TORSO CRASHES DOWN OVER THAT STEEL RAIL!!! MY GOD!!! MY GOD!!!

DM: AAAAH!!! HE'S DEAD!!! DAN RYAN HAS JUST ******* KILLED IRISHRED!!!

MN: GO BOSS!!! NOW PISS ON HIS CORPSE!!!

DT: My GOD! What an absolutely brutal throw by Ryan! IrishRed is LIMP! He's probably broken a few ribs! Ryan now... oh God, Ryan picking up Red... grabs the dislodged base of the stairs... sets IrishRed up in front of it! MY GOD, HE'S CALLING FOR THE HUMILITY BOMB!!!

DM: THERE'S NO WAY IRISHRED CAN BLOCK THIS! If Ryan POWERBOMBS him onto that STEEL --

DT: Ryan brings him up - WAIT, SOMEONE JUST SLUGGED RYAN IN THE BACK!!! RYAN DROPS RED HARMLESSLY --

[The crowd roars.]

DT: OH MY GOD!!! IT'S BEAST!!! IT'S BEAST!!! BEAST JUST CLUBBED DAN RYAN IN THE BACK!!! SPINS HIM AROUND!!! BEAST!!! THE RIGHT HAND!!! THE RIGHT HAND AGAIN!!! MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE BEAST IS BEATING THE HELL OUT OF DAN RYAN!!!

DM: WHAAAAAAT?!?!

MN: BIG LOAFY?!?! NO WAY!!!

DT: MY GOD, THE SECOND MAN TO HOLD THE TITLE OF EPW WORLD CHAMPION!!! BEAST WITH THE KICK TO THE GUT!!! RYAN'S DOUBLED OVER!!! HOOK TO THE ARMS!!! OH MY GOD, ABSOLUTION!!! ON THE STEEL!!! BEAST DRIVES DAN RYAN'S SKULL INTO THAT UNFORGIVING STEEL STAIR AND I THINK DAN RYAN IS A ******* CORPSE RIGHT NOW!!!

MN: WHAT THE HELL IS THE MEANING OF THIS!!!

DT: BEAST DRAGGING IRISHRED ON TOP OF RYAN!!! Referee Rosenkrantz looks lost - but he's counting anyway!

One!


TWO!!!



THREEEEE!!! IT'S OVER!!! IT'S OVER!!! BEAST HAS JUST <i>SCREWED</i> DAN RYAN OUT OF HIS OWN COMPANY!!!

MN: Wh- IRISHRED IS OUR NEW BOSS?!?!

DM: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!! WE HAVE A NEW OWNER!!! And it's all thanks to BEAST of all people!

[CUT TO: IrishRed still on top of Ryan, dazed and barely aware of what's happening. Beast stands over the pair of them, arms crossed, looking entirely pleased with himself.]

ROSENKRANTZ: The winner of the match - IrishRed!
 

DBrunkGXW

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Lindsay Troy vs. Troy Windham - Ladder Match - Divorce or Marriage License

Dave Thomas: Folks, what a night we've had so far. New tag champs, a change in ownership and ... I don't even want to try and makes heads or tails of Beau Michaels...

Mike Neely: HEY! That's BEAU-kozuna, pal. And I'm sure if he had it his way, he'd be getting both!

Dean Matthews: Dude. Just...no.

MN: C'mon, that was wit--...

DM: NO.

MN (grumbling): Fine.

DT: I missed my "family show" chide, didn't I?

DM: By about twenty seconds.

MN: Oh eff it all, we're on Pay-Per-View.

DT: Before we hand it off to Tony, guys, any last thoughts on this match?

MN: Yeah. GO WINDHAM GO! GO WINDHAM GO!

DM: A fanboy to the very end.

MN: Hey, you gotta give the man credit for outsmarting the Shrew. He's had our fair World Champion on the ropes for months now and her resurgence against him may just wind up being too little too late.

DM: Windham HAS been MIA lately, choosing to miss promotional dates for the company and scheduled matches, claiming that he's been in "deep training" for this match. Take that to mean whatever you'd like.

DT: The man's called the "King of the Slackers" for God's sake! I can't imagine him doing any training outside of lifting a mirror to his face or watching reruns of Baywatch.

MN: Let me explain to you what he means by "deep training."

DM: Oh, this should be good.

MN: Troy Windham, YOUR Wrestling Jesus, means he's been going "in deep" on some women; practicing for the marriage consummation when he beats Lindsay Troy!

DT: OK, y'know what? That's enough sexual references out of you, Neels. Dean, any last thoughts?

DM: I talked to the World Champ earlier in the day, Dave, and to say that she was focused would be an understatement. I don't know if that stance has wavered any since Dan Ryan's defeat at the hands of Beast and Irishred, but I have to say that the last time I saw Lindsay Troy this focused was right before that six-man title defense back at Unleashed. The World Title may not be on the line here tonight, but this match is about more than the big gold strap...it's about Troy's personal life, something that Windham's mocked, violated and scorned. The Champ's not out for just the divorce papers or Windham's blood, she's out for <i>his</i> life and <i>his</i> career.

DT: I don't doubt it. There are a lot of people in the building tonight and around the globe that have been wanting to see Troy Windham fall at the hands of Lindsay Troy, and tonight may just be the night it happens! With that said, let's hand it over to Tony Fatora for the introductions!

[CUT-TO: Tony Fatora in the middle of the ring, looking exhausted by the events of the evening but a smile on his face nonetheless. Maybe it's because the night's almost over and he can take the next day to process everything that's gone down. Maybe it's because he'll have one hell of a story to tell his grandkids one day. But maybe, just maybe, it's because he knows he'll have the best seat in the house to hopefully see Troy Windham get his comeuppance. Not even an underhanded change in ownership could stop that.]

Tony Fatora: LAAAAAAAADIES AND GENNNNNNTLEMEN! The following contest is your MAIN EVENT and is a LADDER MATCH!

[The camera does a slow pull-back to reveal two Halliburton briefcases innocently hanging high on hooks above Tony's head. The crowd, not yet worn out by the crazy night, explodes at the mention of the headliner match and at the sight of the briefcases!]

TF: Two briefcases have been suspended above the ring. One contains the marriage license between Troy Windham and Lindsay Troy...

MN: -Windham

DT: SHH!

DM (rolling his eyes): Here we go again...

TF: And the other contains a set of divorce papers, courtesy of Lindsay Troy...

MN: -Windham.

DM: I'm seriously going to beat you upside the head with this chair I'm sitting on, Neely.

MN: Meep...

TF: This is a NO-DISQUALIFICATION, NO COUNT-OUT MATCH WITH NO OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE AND NO TIME LIMIT! In order to win, one competitor must scale a ladder and retrieve ONE briefcase. Per order of Dan Ryan, the match CANNOT be stopped until one of the briefcases has been acquired. Once opened, the contents of the briefcase MUST be honored. Which means, if the marriage license is retrieved, Lindsay Troy...

MN: -Win... (pause) OK OK Matthews, I'm done! I SAID I'M DONE, DAMNIT!

DM: (unfolds the chair and sits back down.)

TF: ...must acknowledge her union with Troy Windham as legal and binding. If the divorce papers are retrieved, Troy Windham must grant Lindsay Troy the motion and sign the papers TONIGHT!

CROWD: ZOMGHUUUUUUUUUGEPOPLIKEWHOA!!!!!

DM: I think Tony missed his calling as a lawyer, Dave.

DT: You may be right, Dean.

MN: Doesn't anyone want to know what <b>I</b> think?

DM and DT: NO!

MN: ...

[CUT-TO: The entryway, where a line of trumpeters have taken their position along the length of the stage: four to the left and four to the right, leaving a considerable space between them. The men lift their instruments and begin to play the introduction to "Fanfare for the Common Man." While the music floats amongst the crowd, four "model/actresses" make their way out from the back, rolling out a red carpet. Cat-calls soon follow, although those in attendance know that this is only the lead-in to the man the world has grown to hate.

The trumpeters conclude their serenade, the lights slowly dim....

CUE-UP: "Beverly Hills" by Weezer.

CUE-UP also: Jarring, piercing BOOS!

From the ring, towards the curtain a series of Roman candles are launched one by one in time to the drum-beats and, on the EMPIREtron, a black-and-white still shot of Troy's face and body in a catalog-type pose is shown. Underneath the profile, the words <b>"EPW'S CROWN JEWEL"</b> fade into the profile in large, bold, block letters.

<i>"Where I come from isn't all that great.
My automobile is a piece of crap.
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as screwy as me.

"I didn't go to boarding schools.
Preppy girls never looked at me.
Why should they, I ain't nobody
Got nothin' in my pocket...</i>

And then, the Man appears...

Wearing ridiculously over-sized vintage "Funkadelic Retro" sunglasses, black pants and a sleeveless ring vest adorned in diamonds that glisten in the spotlight, Windham struts to center stage. He poses like Jesus on the cross as the model/actresses surround him on bended knee in genuflection. He regards them with nary a glance, then slowly paces to the ring while his ladies crawl behind him. Upon reaching the ring, one dutifully lays before the apron and Troy stands on top of her, using her like the ring steps. The other two other model actresses clean his boots and the other holds the ring ropes open for him.]

TF: Introducing first, from Sweetwater, Texas, weighing in at two hundred thirty-eight pounds....he is the King of all Slackers, Wrestling's Jesus...."THE EPITOME" TRRRROOYYYYYY WIIIIIIINDHAMMMMMM!

[The crowd boos Windham louder, but Troy just takes it all in, egging the Los Angeles crowd on. He then rips off his vest and tosses it to the outside of the ring, hardly caring at how much it must have cost him. His "lady friends" immediately pounce on it, trying to grab it for themselves to just get a whiff of Troy's manly scent.]

MN: The man is in front of a crowd whose city is practically a fourth home to him, and they deign to BOO him?! This is a TRAVESTY!

DM: Even Hollywood knows a fake when they see one.

[Weezer is abruptly cut off and Windham's visage disappears from the EMPIREtron screen. The crowd turns their attention away from Windham (which the Epitome doesn't like one bit) and towards the entranceway once again. Their boos slowly dissolve as yet another phrasing appears on the EMPIREtron, this time in regal Latin script:

<b><i>NEMO ME IMPUNE LACESSIT.</b>
No one provokes me with impunity.</i>

CUE-UP: "I ****ing Hate You!" by Godsmack.

CUE-UP also: Roof-blowing CHEERS!

A light display not seen before accompanies the drum beats, cymbal crashes and guitar shreds. Except, the music isn't coming from a CD being pumped through the speakers by the EPW sound crew..it's coming from Godsmack themselves. From the ceiling a large platform, not as long as the stage itself but almost as wide, is lowered towards the floor with the Massachusetts natives on it, playing that opening salvo for all they're worth. The crowd's on their feet now, cheering the nu-metal band and singing along while they anxiously awaiting the arrival of their Queen. On this night, every fan in the Staples Center is a Godsmack fan as well.

<i>"For everything you do,
I'd like to swallow you,
And every day I'm gonna blame you..."</i>

From the stage, a hidden door is slid away and from the opening rises Lindsay Troy, standing on the arms of a golden throne with her head lowered, wearing a white full-length, long-sleeved, tattered and torn wedding dress.

<i>"And even if you justify,
Every ****ing bull**** lie,
It only makes me want to break you..."</i>

She rises into the air, the throne now accompanied by steps leading down to the ground, as Sully continues to sing the lyrics that have become synonymous with the anger and hatred the Queen of the Ring feels toward Troy Windham. It's not until the second verse of the bridge that Troy makes any movement. She slowly lifts her arms to the back of her shoulders and tears the dress away in one, fluid movement, her chin lifting toward the ceiling as thousands of camera flashes go off and an explosion of yellow pyro surrounds the throne and blasts into the air.

<i>"'Cause I ****ing hate you!
You're such a liar!
I love to hate you
You're all the same to me!"</i>

Underneath the garment is a black tank-top, blood-red tape running all the way up her arms to her shoulders, red and black steel toed boots and her signature black pants with "Queen of the Ring" running down the legs. Only on this pair, the lettering is red to match her arm tape, instead of gold. Troy looks dead-on at Windham in the ring then leaps off the throne, forgoing the stairs and leaving the dress to slip down to the floor. A flip through the air later, she lands in a crouched position and moves down the aisle toward the ring. Troy gives Windham's ladies a death stare and, after they meekly scurry away up the aisle, vaults herself up and over the top rope into the ring.]

TF: And his opponent, from Tampa, Florida, weighing in at one hundred seventy pounds...she is DIS in the flesh and the longest-reigning Empire Pro World Heavyweight Champion..."THE QUEEN OF THE RING" LINNNNNNNDSAAAAAYYYYYYY TRRRRRRROOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYY!

[The lights come back up and Tony Fatora exits the ring. There's a haze in the air from the pyro smoke, but they don't get in the way of Lindsay Troy staring daggers through Troy Windham. "The Epitome" just laughs as he runs his fingers through his perfectly teased hair.]

DM: Lindsay Troy has been waiting a long time to get her hands on Troy Windham. These two are about to blow the roof off of the Staples Center.

MN: Yeah, and we don't have Jack Bauer here to stop the detonation.

[SFX: <b>DING!</b>]

DT: And we're underway! Windham's stepping to the center of the ring, looking up at the briefcases with a smirk and HERE COMES TROY! Lindsay Troy charging toward Windham, but he side-steps her. Lindsay bounding off the ropes, Windham missing with a clothesline that spins him around and Lindsay capitalizes with a BIG jumping snap kick! That steel toe catches Windham and he's down on the mat.

MN: Don't you think it's a <i>little</i> unfair that she's wearing those shoes?

DM: Against Windham? Nope. Not in the slightest.

MN: I can't win with you, can I?

DT: Troy yanking Windham up by the hair and oh! Thumb to the eyes by the Epitome! Troy's blinking in pain and Windham's going for the Slacknife! But Lindsay blocks, and a thumb of her own to Windham's eyes! Windham's reeling, and...

[SFX: Smack!]

DT: A knife-edge chop to his chest!

CROWD: WOOOOOO!

[SFX: Smack!]

CROWD: WOOOOOOOO!

DT: And another! And another! Lindsay Troy unrelenting with those chops. She's got Windham backed up into the corner, and an Irish-whip across the ring! Windham hits back first and Troy charges in! Windham ducks low and lifts Troy up and over the top rope! She lands on the apron, Windham turning to look at his handiwork and Troy grabs him by his head and drops down to the floor, driving Windham's throat across that top rope!

DM: Windham's grabbing his throat now, trying to rub the pain away. I think it's going to take more than just that to take away the sting.

MN: Can we get those ladies back here? I'm sure they'd love to take care of him!

DM: Even if they were allowed back down here, I'm pretty sure Lindsay Troy would break their necks without even blinking. Speaking of Troy, she's pulling a ladder out!

DT: The crowd's going crazy upon seeing that ladder, she's got it up to slide under the bottom rope, but Windham's not about to let her bring it in. Dropkick to the ladder and it goes right back in Troy's face!

CROWD: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!

MN: Hahaha, Boy-Troy's looking to cause some more damage to Lindsay's pretty face, fire or no fire!

DM: It took well over two months for Lindsay's face to heal after Windham threw a fireball into it. The burns weren't severe, but it was painful to look at regardless.

MN: Maybe a little plastic surgery would do her good, y'know?

DM: I really think she's going to kill you one day, Neely.

DT: The Queen of the Ring hit hard against the barricade and Windham's going to the outside now. Troy's trying to shake the cobwebs out, but she's met with a big boot to the face!

CROWD: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

TW (sneering): Awwwwww CRY ME A RIVER!

DT: ANOTHER boot to Troy's head and Windham's really riling this crowd up.

MN: Just one of the many things he does best.

DT: Windham's pulling Troy up by her ponytail and he's talking some trash, getting right up in the Queen's face.

TW: You could have saved yourself a <i>lot</i> of pain, trollop!

DT: AND WINDHAM JUST SMACKED HER ACROSS THE CHEEK!

Crowd: WINDHAM SUCKS! WINDHAM SUCKS! WINDHAM SUCKS!

MN: Troy Windham does NOT suck! My "WINDHAM IN '08" bumper sticker, designed especially by "THE NEW PICASSO" AUGUST DE LA ROSSI, says so!

DT: That man is despicable, and you're just as bad Neely!

MN: What? You really think Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama stand a chance? What this country needs is a little more Windham rule, if you ask me. Smack people into submission and then lord it over them every chance you get.

DM: Thankfully, no one did ask you.

MN: Hey!

DT: Troy takes a swing at him, but Windham headbutts her down the the floor! He's got that ladder now and DRIVES the top of it down onto Troy's face! She's holding her nose and Windham just cackles like a lunatic!

DM: Troy'll be lucky if her nose isn't broken.

DT: He's bringing that ladder over to the far part of the barricade that's holding the fans back, laying it diagonally across the top. Security's trying to move the fans back so they don't get hurt. Now he's kicking the ring steps out of the way. I'm not liking the look of this, gentlemen.

DM: Lindsay's getting to her feet, a bit shaky from that ladder shot, but it looks like her nose is in one piece.

MN: Bugger.

DT: Windham reaches out and he's got a hold on her arm. Irish-whip right towards the ladder...but Troy doesn't let herself crash into it! She's running up the steps....BACKFLIP FLYING ELBOW, CATCHING WINDHAM RIGHT IN THE KISSER! Both are down and senior official Pat Jones can do nothing but just stand there and watch!

MN: This is a page right out of the <u>Do Not Try This At Home</u> book.

DT: It looks like Troy is the first one standing. She swipes the ladder away from the barricade and slides it under the bottom rope. Windham's starting to stir on the outside while Troy sets that ladder up, trying to position it just under the briefcases.

DM: That ladder might not be tall enough, Dave. Those briefcases are pretty high up there, regardless of how tall both Lindsay Troy and Troy Windham are.

DT: The crowd hasn't left their feet since the start of the match and they're starting to get louder as Lindsay Troy starts climbing the ladder! She's moving fast, but there's Troy Windham with a leaping forearm shot to Troy's lower back! She spills off the ladder to the canvas, and Windham's nodding to himself in approval!

DM: We're not that long into this match and so far Lindsay Troy has taken a beating. I don't want to say it, and she may not forgive me for it, but Troy Windham, and a rested Troy Windham at that, may just be too much for her.

MN: See Matthews? We finally agree on something!

DM: Hell may just be freezing over.

DT: Windham's setting that ladder up in the corner now and Troy's slowly standing up. But it's Windham with a right hand and a kick to the stomach that doubles Troy over.

MN: Windham's liking what he sees. Can't say I blame him!

DT (shaking his head): Windham with the go-behind, lifting Troy up in the air...

[SFX: CLANG!]

Crowd: OHH!

DT: Windham just tossed her like a rag doll into the ladder with a release German suplex! Lindsay Troy is crumpled in the corner and would you listen to Windham laugh!

TW: THE KING IS HERE, BABY! BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR MASTERRRRRR!

DT: ELBOW ACROSS TROY'S STERNUM! This is getting brutal!

DM: Something tells me we have yet to see brutal...

DT: Windham's not ready to go for a briefcase yet. He wants to make the beating of Lindsay Troy last as long as possible.

MN: Like a shark smelling blood, boys. Like a shark smelling blood.

DM: Windham's got a chair now, Dave, and with Troy feeling the affects of that suplex I'm not so sure she doesn't have a bit of a concussion right now.

DT: The Epitome is back in the ring, chair in hand and stalking over to where Troy lies. He pats the top of the chair, lifts it over his head ...and gets it sent right back into his face with a well-placed kick from Lindsay Troy! Windham's dizzied and Troy sweeps his feet out from under him! Windham's back-first on the mat and the chair just clattered out of his hands.

DM: Now it's Troy's turn to smell blood!

DT: Troy's rolling to her feet and sees the chair. She hobbles over, picks it up with a sick grin on her face and raises it over her head, only to send it down onto Windham's cranium! Windham's howling in pain, rolling around on the mat, but the Queen isn't finished!

MN: Make her stop! Pat Jones, make her stopppppppppp!!!!!!

DT: Pat Jones can't do anything, it's a no-DQ match! And even if it wasn't, I think he wants to see Windham get a little taste of his own medicine! Troy lifts the chair up again and sends it RIGHT BETWEEN HIS LEGS!

CROWD: STERILIZER! (clap clap clapclapclap) STERILIZER! (clap clap clapclapclap)

MN: NOT WINDHAM'S CROWN JEWELS!

DM: If Windham was considering fathering any more illegitimate children, he may want to rethink his game plan.

MN: His ladies are going to be so disappointed! This is an injustice!

DT: You can see the tears welling up in Windham's eyes, his hands covering his groin. Troy's going back over to the ladder, debating whether to go for one of the cases or to make Windham suffer just a little bit more.

MN: Please, PLEASE, just end it here! Leave the man alone! He has needy women in the back!

DM: If you think Lindsay Troy's just going to leave Windham alone after the ordeals he's put her through, you need to turn in your "broadcast journalist" card right now.

MN: NEVER!

DT: Troy's dragging the ladder out of the corner, then puts the boots to Windham before laying the ladder across him. She leaps onto the top turnbuckle with the chair still in hand, and she FLIES!

CROWD: HOLY ****! HOLY ****!

DT: ATOMIC ARABIAN FACEBUSTER! LINDSAY TROY WITH THAT CHAIR-AIDED SOMERSAULT LEG DROP. WINDHAM GOT SANDWICHED! AND TROY LOOKS LIKE SHE MAY BE HURT!

CROWD: LIND-SAY TROY! LIND-SAY TROY! LIND-SAY TROY!

DM: Troy's clutching the back of her leg, which isn't good at all. You can't climb a ladder if you can't put pressure on one of your legs. Windham hasn't moved...he may be out cold!

MN: Someone get the medical staff down here for Troy Windham! The man needs air! He needs CPR!

DM: He needs some Aleve and a new chest, I think.

MN: Damnit! Doesn't anybody back there hear me?!

DM: Selective hearing.

DT: Troy's slowly getting to her feet and she's shaking that left leg, trying to kick the pain out of it. It might not be that badly hurt. She's hobbling over to Windham and that ladder again, and Windham just heaved it it at her! Another shot to the face by Troy Windham, and Lindsay Troy is down on the canvas once again and this time the ladder's on top of her!

MN: Is anyone getting tired of saying Troy and Troy and Windham, or is it just me?

DM: Can someone bring a muzzle out for Neely? Please?

MN: Selective hearing, remember Matthews?

DM: (grumble)

MN: haHA!

DT: I don't know what Windham's thinking here, because he's not exactly known for his aerial prowess, but now HE'S climbing up to the top turnbuckle.

DM: He's not looking so steady on his feet either.

MN: It's just a ruse. The man is perfectly fine!

DM: Someone's being delusio---

MN: PERFECTLY FINE, MATTHEWS!

DT: Windham's perched up in the corner, looking over his shoulder at Lindsay Troy still on the mat. He turns back to face the crowd, then blows them all a mocking kiss and leaps through the air with a moonsault that CONNECTS!

CROWD: HOLY ****! HOLY ****!

MN: It's a Troy/Troy Sandwich!

DM: Oh now that's just wrong, Neely. So, so wrong...

DT: That's nearly two hundred forty pounds that just came crashing down on top of Lindsay Troy, and she's yelling out in agony from underneath that steel. Windham went ricocheting off the ladder, and he's lying on the mat, clutching his torso. Troy manages to shove the ladder off her, but she's not in any sort of position to capitalize on Windham's high-risk move. She can barely roll over onto her side, guys. She may have a couple broken ribs at the very least!

DM: Windham's the first one back to his feet, but he didn't get there without the aid of the ropes. Now he's kicking Troy underneath the bottom rope and out of the ring! She may be too hurt to stop him if he gets that ladder set up, and now that she's on the outside of the ring she's going to have that much farther to go to prevent him from getting one of those briefcases.

DT: And that's exactly what Windham's doing!

MN: GENIUS! The man is a GENIUS! Is it too early to name him TIME Magazine's Man of the Year? Oh, what am I saying...of COURSE it's NOT too early!

DT: Windham's getting that ladder set up and it looks like he's going to go for the briefcase hanging on the right, nearest to the stage. Lindsay Troy's still on the floor near the entrance aisle and she hasn't moved much since being kicked out of the ring.

MN: Kicked to the CURB is more like it!

DT: Windham's taking it slowly, which may either be from some injuries he sustained or he just wants to drag the moment out as long as possible.

MN: Victory is in the air....I can TASTE IT!

DT: One foot in front of the other, Windham's about halfway up the ladder now, and ... LINDSAY TROY! LINDSAY TROY IS ON HER FEET!

CROWD: CHEER!

DT: She's a bit wobbly, but she's quickly unwrapping that arm tape of hers. Something just fell to the floor! Something fell out of her arm tape! She's bending down to retrieve whatever it is...UH OH! THOSE ARE CHINESE THROWING STARS!

MN: TURN AROUND, TROY! DUCK! DISAPPEAR! RUN!

DT: WINDHAM HAS NO CLUE! HE'S STILL CLIMBING UP THE LADDER! LINDSAY TROY REARS BACK AND LETS THEM FLY DISCUS-STYLE ONE AT A TIME! THEY STICK IN WINDHAM'S LEGS! THE EPITOME IS SCREAMING AND BLEEDING!

CROWD: THAT WAS AWE-SOME! (clap clap clapclapclap) THAT WAS AWE-SOME! (clap clap clapclapclap)

DM: Lindsay Troy has either just lost her mind or just came up with the best blocking tactic.

MN: SOMEONE COMMIT THIS WOMAN! GET HER A STRAIGHT JACKET!

DT: There's another layer of tape under that one and Troy peels it off, then slides underneath the bottom rope and unceremoniously rips the stars from Windham's legs, tossing them outside near us... and is now starting to climb up the ladder after him on the other side. Windham's INCENSED! He's not going to let her beat him to the top and he's STILL CLIMBING! Lindsay's trying to get up to the top as fast as she can! Windham's almost to the top rung, but he's stopped by a Troy uppercut! Windham's swaying backwards, which allows Troy to climb up a few more rungs. She's even with Windham now! They're in a precarious position, trading punches back and forth, and TROY SPITS IN WINDHAM'S FACE! Windham's pawing at his face, trying to get the saliva off his flawless skin, and he grabs the back of Troy's and slams her face down onto the top rung of the ladder! Troy falls off the ladder! She's down on the canvas! AND WINDHAM'S GOING TOO!

CROWD: E-P-DUB! E-P-DUB! E-P-DUB!

DT: LEAPFROG GUILLOTINE LEGDROP OFF THE TOP OF THE LADDER! WINDHAM JUST DROPPED HIS LEG ACROSS TROY'S THROAT! TROY'S FLOPPING AROUND ON THE MAT LIKE A FISH OUT OF WATER!

MN: I don't think I can watch anymore of this. Dean, hold me!

DM: Get off me, Neely!

MN: Just a little hug? Maybe?

DM: I'm bringing pepper spray with me next time.

MN: :(

DT: Windham may have jarred something with that move. He's clutching his lower back and grimacing.

DM: He may not have landed well on his tailbone, Dave. That's a painful injury to get over if that's what happened.

DT: Both are still down on the mat, on their backs.

MN: At least Lindsay Troy is used to it!

DM: Lindsay Troy is one of the least promiscuous women in this business, Neely. She'd just as soon break someone else's back than lie down on her own.

DT: The crowd's stomping and clapping, trying to will Troy back to her feet. She's starting to stir, rolling over to her side and making her way toward the ropes. It's slow going though, she's been through some kind of pain tonight, that's for sure.

DM: Windham's starting to get his bearings about him too. He's reaching out for Lindsay's foot and pulls her away from the ropes!

DT: He's wailing away on her now! Right and lefts, rights and lefts and now he's choking her! Her neck's already tender from that legdrop and Windham's exposing it here! The crowd's been on him all night and right now is no exception!

CROWD: ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE!

MN: This is slander! SLANDER, I SAY!

DT: Windham finally lets her go and Troy's gasping for air! Now he's stalking over to the ladder...it had fallen off to the side after that legdrop by the Epitome. He's setting it back up under the briefcases, parallel to our booth, and is starting to climb once again! The crowd's getting louder, trying to send their energy over to Lindsay Troy to get her on her feet again. She's up to her knees now, facing the ladder.

DM: Windham's halfway up it now.

MN: CLIMB, TROY! CLIIIIIMMMMBBBB!

DT: And Lindsay Troy springs into action! She lunges at the ladder, pushing it for all she's worth! Windham's shaking his head furiously, and it's starting to topplllllllOHHHH!

CROWD: OHHHHH!

TW: OHHHHHHHHH!

DT: WINDHAM'S CROTCHED ON THE TOP ROPE! THE LADDER FALLS OVER! WINDHAM'S STUCK ON THAT CABLE, HE CAN'T MOVE FROM THE PAIN! BUT LINDSAY TROY'S GOING TO HELP HIM!

DM: RIDER KICK! That flying side kick caught Windham right in the mouth and over the top he goes!

DT: He hit hard and....he's screaming! Windham's screaming in pain! Get a camera over there!

DM: He landed on TACKS, Dave! Lindsay Troy's looking over the top rope and NODDING IN APPROVAL!

DT: WINDHAM'S GOT A BACK--FULL OF TACKS, AND HE'S ROLLING AROUND, TRYING TO GET OUT OF THEM, BUT THEY'RE ALL OVER THE FLOOR!

DM: Troy must have spread them out after Windham kicked her out of the ring after his moonsault onto the ladder!

[Split-screen: Lindsay Troy grinning psychotically in the ring and a replay of her on the floor earlier. The camera catches her rolling towards the apron and reaching under the ring, pulling out a small brown sack.]

MN: SOMEONE CALL THE MATCH RIGHT NOW! TROY WINDHAM SHOULD NOT HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS!

DM: The man BROUGHT IT ON HIMSELF! All those months of torture, burning Lindsay Troy's face, marrying her against her will, getting restraining orders against Joey Melton, and all the while DUCKING AND RUNNING....this is a year's worth of PAYBACK!

DT: Windham's still down on the ground and Lindsay's setting that ladder back up. She could win it here!

MN: I don't even care anymore, I just want this to be overrrrrrr!

DM: You look like you're about to cry, Neels.

MN: SHUT UP DEAN, OKAY? JUST SHUT UP! (*sniffle*)

LT (about to climb the ladder): YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST LET ME BE, TROY!

DT: She's starting to climb up, but I don't think she positioned it right. The ladder's not directly under the briefcases.

DM: What's she going to do, jump and grab one?

DT: I'm not sure, Dean, but she's not stopping to correct the placing. She's still climbing. The fans are encouraging her, Windham's slowly getting to his feet. She's about two rungs away from the top and she's looking over her shoulder at Windham.

DM: She's...stopping?

DT: NO! She's taking a DEEEEEEEP BREATH....!


...





[A thousand flashbulbs light up the Staples Center]





..




[SFX: CLANG!]



.



[SFX: <b>WHAPBOOM!!!</b>]



CROWD: HOLY ****! HOLY ****! HOLY ****!



MN: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

DT: Lindsay Troy just moonsaulted off the ladder, onto the top rope and then moonsaulted AGAIN right onto Troy Windham! I've never seen ANYTHING like that!

DM: She got tacked for her trouble as well, Dave. She might just be dead. They BOTH might be dead!

[CUT-TO: The carnage outside of the ring. Lindsay Troy's lying face down in the aisle, back and lower body covered in tacks. Troy Windham's lying not far from her, on his back again, breathing heavily and bleeding from the little metal points that are still stuck in his flesh.]

DT: Ladies and Gentlemen, if you're still watching at home, I hope you've put your children to bed by now.

MN: You HOPE?!

DM: Well, technically, this isn't as bad as that Demolition Derby match I heard about.

DT: Lindsay Troy still hasn't moved, but she's breathing, so that's a good sign.

MN: Depends on your perception, really.

DT: Troy Windham's starting to move his legs around a bit, trying to roll himself over. I don't know if either of these two have anything left in the tank to climb a ladder. They've laid it all out on the line as it is.

DM: They're going to have to dig down deep and find something in reserve. The massacre can't stop until someone grabs a case.

[CUT-TO: Various points backstage, where Empire Pro superstars are watching the match on television monitors. AUGUST DE LA ROSSI is screaming at the monitor, trying to will his mentor to get a fifth wind. THE MYSTERIOUS ZOLTAN just flexes his arms and calves, looking over his shoulder at the wall of security guards that are stationed to prevent the Entourage from trying to help Windham. In another locker room, JOEY MELTON, ADRIAN EVANS and CAMERON CRUISE have stopped celebrating the Project's championship win and stand glued to a screen, the EPW tag straps glinting in the light. MELTON looks worried. EVANS stands on the table, his hand on MELTON'S shoulder.]

[CUT-TO: The ring again, where Windham's managed to stand up!]

DT: WINDHAM'S ON THE MOVE AGAIN! He's swaying violently, but he's making a move toward Lindsay Troy, who has managed to painfully get to all fours. Windham's in front of her now, pulling her up by her hair. Troy's not fighting him. She may not know where she is right now!

DM: Now she does! She snaps upward and fires a right hand! Windham careens back! Troy with another right...no! Blocked!

MN: THE MAN HAS RISEN AGAIN!

DT: Now it's Windham with a right! And a left! And a kick to the abdomen! Lindsay Troy's doubled over again and Windham's thinking about giving her a Melton Special!

DM: Oh God no. Not here. PLEASE not here!

MN: YES! YES! DO IT!

DT: Windham's reaching down to the waistband of his tights but NO! Troy levels him with a chop! You could hear that echo over the roar of the fans! Windham's hands go to his chest, he doesn't want to get caught in a chop-war with the Queen!

DM: You spend enough time with Melton and Randalls and you get a clinic on how to throw a gunshot chop.

DT: Windham's stagging back. Troy's following up with those chops and OH! Windham grabs her hand! Another kick to the stomach! And he's not going to *****foot around now. Shoves Troy's head between his legs and wraps his arms around her waist!

DM: He's got her lifted!

DT: RUNNING POWERBOMB ONTO THE TACKS!

DM: Or what's left of them!

DT: Now it's Troy's turn to scream! And Windham's down to one knee! He tried to capitalize on a very tired, very sore Lindsay Troy and he may have just used up whatever he had left!

DM: Lindsay Troy's trying to grab a hold of the apron to get herself up and out of the tacks! She's struggling, Dave! And Windham's back in the ring, heading for the ladder! He's got to set it back up, though. Troy managed to kick it over when she went for that high-risk move.

DT: Windham's pulling the ladder up, opening up the stiles and securing those metal stays so it won't collapse in on itself. He's got it positioned under the cases.

DM: LINDSAY'S IN THE RING!

MN: NO!

DT: YES! Windham's on the side of the ladder furthest away from us, blocking an easy ascent from Lindsay Troy! She's going to have to go around to the other side!

MN: If she can even get to her feet first.

DM: She's trying, Neely. She's using the ropes to pull herself up!

DT: She's to her feet! Lindsay Troy to her feet!

DM: She's not going to be able to beat him up the ladder. He's got too much of a head start.

DT: Troy's trying to get her bearings. While she's doing that, Windham's about halfway up now!

MN: DON'T STOP, TROY! KEEP GOING!

DT: Lindsay's slowly stepping over to the ladder. Windham takes a second to sneer at her, but HE PAYS FOR IT WITH A LOW-BLOW!

CROWD: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

DT: LOW-BLOW ON THE LADDER! Windham's got nowhere to go! He's clinging to the ladder for dear life. The only chance he has is to not fall off!

MN: Damnit! I hope Irishred bans the use of low-blows after this match! The guys in the back may actually LIKE him if he does.

DM: At least in Windham's case, I hope he doesn't!

DT: That blow stopped Windham's progress and now Troy's ascending the ladder! The crowd's jumping up and down, screaming for all they're worth, trying to push her up the ladder faster!

DM: Well, we know Windham's trying to regain feeling in his balls so he hasn't moved.

DT: Left, right, rung by rung Troy is climbing. She's damn near killed herself tonight, I don't even know how she's still standing!

DM: It's the will of a fighter, Dave! Whatever happens once one of those cases is opened, Lindsay Troy wants to know that it was her doing! That it was her say in what briefcase she chose, not one that Windham picked for himself!

DT: She's about even with Windham now...and she's a step ahead of him! Windham blinks through the pain AND HE'S CLIMBING UP WITH HER! THEY'RE NECK AND NECK!

MN: AND DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!

DM: Wrong sport, Neely.

MN: It was still appropriate.

DT: They're almost to that top platform, those briefcases are so, so close!

MN: WINDHAM'S UP THERE FIRST!

DT: Troy Windham, on the top rung of the ladder! He can't quite make it to the platform, but he doesn't have to! He's got his hand on the briefcase!

MN: NO!

DT: RIGHT HAND BY LINDSAY TROY! SHE'S ON THE TOP RUNG AS WELL! THAT PUNCH ROCKS WINDHAM AWAY FROM THE CASE! ANOTHER RIGHT! AND A LEFT!

CROWD (after every punch): LINDZ! LINDZ! LINDZ! LINDZ!

DT: RIGHT! LEFT!

DM: RIGHT! LEFT!

DT: RIGHT! NO! A THUMB TO THE EYE! A DESPERATION CHEAP SHOT BY TROY WINDHAM!

MN: I hope Irishred leaves that one in there!

DT: HE'S GOT TROY BY THE HAIR, NOW HE'S WAILING AWAY ON HER! RIGHT HANDS! HARD RIGHT HANDS!

DM: He's looking out into the crowd now, saying....SAYING HE'S GOING TO SLACKNIFE TROY OFF THE LADDER!

MN: YES! YES! A FITTING END! COME ON, TROY! PUT THE WOMAN IN HER PLACE ONCE AND FOR ALL!

DT: Windham's trying to get her hooked but NO! NO! ELBOW TO THE FACE! LINDSAY TROY ELBOWS WINDHAM IN THE FACE! AND WINDHAM FALLS DOWN A RUNG!

DM: All she's got to do is just reach up...

DT: SHE'S GOT HER HAND ON A CASE!

CROWD: (EXPLODES)

DT: TROY'S TRYING TO GET A CASE DOWN, BUT WINDHAM'S GOT AHOLD OF HER! SHE.........
 
Last edited:

DBrunkGXW

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The End - Aftermath

LIFTS HERSELF UP ON THE HOOK AND WRAPS HER LEGS AROUND WINDHAM'S NECK!

DM: Dave, I don't know if I can look...

MN: I know I can't!

DT: SHE'S GOT THE CASE IN HAND! SHE FLIPS BACKWARDS...FRANKENSTEINER! FRANKENSTEINER OFF THE LADDER!

[SFX: <b>DING DING DING!</b>]

Tony Fatora: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH: LINNNNNNNDSAAAAAYYYYYYY TRRRRRRROOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

DT: SHE DID IT! SHE DID IT! LINDSAY TROY HAS DEFEATED TROY WINDHAM, AND HAS DONE SO SOUNDLY!

MN: MY LIFE IS OVER! COMPLETELY OVER!

DM: Now...what's in the case?! Marriage license? Or the divorce papers?!

[CUT-TO: The ring, where both Lindsay Troy and Troy Windham are lying. Windham's clutching his neck, those chronic problems are coming back to haunt him now that this match is all said and done. Lindsay Troy, on the other hand, is clutching that briefcase for dear life, holding it against her chest like a newborn baby. She just lies on the canvas for a minute or two, listening to the crowd give her her well-deserved due. After a moment, she lifts her head up to the cheers of the crowd, and reaches her hand out to grab the ropes to drag herself into the corner.]

DT: Lindsay Troy can BARELY move here, folks. After that hellacious main event, I don't know how much more excitement we can pump into the night.

DM: That case's contents are either going to make or break her life.

[Troy places the briefcase on her thighs and slowly unlatches the top, lifting it open. Tony Fatora walks over to hand her his microphone but she shakes her head, producing a microphone of her own that was inside the briefcase. She takes a manilla folder out as well, then tosses the case aside. With a nod and a hushed voice, she calmly asks Tony to give her some space.]

DT: Tony Fatora leaving the ring, now. Windham still hasn't moved from where he fell off the ladder. The crowd is still electric here.

DM: Lindsay just flipped the microphone on and looks out into the crowd, almost awaiting their approval.

CROWD: OPEN IT! OPEN IT! OPEN IT!

[Troy nods, takes another deep breath, and rips the top of the envelope open. She lifts the top of the document out of its hiding place, glancing at it briefly, then lets it fall face-down by her side.]

DT: What is it? What's it say?

MN (fingers crossed and his eyes closed): Marriagelicensemarriagelicensemarriagelicensemarriagelicense....

[She raises the microphone to her lips, trying to hold a barrage of emotions in check.]

LT: It's.....




....





..







.













LT: the divorce papers!

CROWD: (MASSIVE EXPLOSION!)

DT: IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER! LINDSAY TROY'S GOT THE DIVORCE PAPERS!

MN (like Anakin Skywalker at the end of Episode III): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

DM: Would you listen to this crowd?! They're about to riot!

[CUT-TO: The EPW faithful, high-fiving each other, chest bumping, spilling beer and not even caring!]

DT: All this time, all this suffering that Troy Windham has put her through is FINALLY coming to an end! Lindsay Troy's got a grin on her face that's as wide as as the Sierra Nevada, and Troy Windham is finally starting to come to!

CROWD: SIGN THE PA-PERS! (clap clap clapclapclap) SIGN THE PA-PERS! (clap clap clapclapclap)

[Windham lifts his head and looks out to the masses, who are pointing and chanting at him. His eyes widen at the revelation and he pounds the mat in anger and frustration. One-upped twice in the span of five minutes. All his and the Entourage's dirty work, the months of planning, the perfectly timed executions...done. And there's absolutely nothing the Epitome can do about it.]

DT: Windham's trying to get to his feet, but he can't. He's got absolutely nothing left, gentlemen. It's enough that he managed to get himself to a seated position. He's leaning against the ropes, completely gassed.

DM: Look at Lindsay Troy, getting to her feet. She's still in the corner though, glaring at Windham, who can only glare right back. The puppeteer never thought his toy would break away from him and get her freedom.

MN: I don't want to look, AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!

LT (raising the mic to her mouth, breathing hard): It's over, Troy.

CROWD: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

LT: You shot for the moon and you came up far too short. Just like I knew you would.

DT: Look at the humiliation on Windham's face. Finally outsmarted by someone he completely wrote off. I never thought I'd see the day.

DM: I don't think any of us did, to be honest.

LT: I have to hand it to you, you didn't fall easily. I told you this would be like nothing you've ever seen before, and I'm sure that me winning the match AND getting the result I've wanted was never even a thought in the back of your mind.

I knew I had been through Hell before, but you ... you took things to a level I never imagined another person could possibly sink to.

[She points at him, exhaustion starting to overtake her.]

LT: Your reasons for coming to Empire Pro were outlandish and megalomaniacal at first, but then you went on to redefine the terms after EVERYTHING you put me through. For over a YEAR, I've had to deal with you and your two miscreant followers nearly all by myself and finally...FINALLY...I can say that this was all worth it, just to see you on the ground before me broken, humiliated and embarrassed that I made all your plans blow up right in your face.

[The crowd grows even louder still.]

LT: And now...

[She looks down at the envelope in her hand and draws the papers all the way out. Troy then reaches into the envelope and produces a pen.]

LT: There's only one thing left to be done.

[Troy starts slowly walking over to Windham, every step she takes carries an enormous burden. She's got one hand on the top rope to steady herself and as the distance between them shortens, so does Windham's fuse.

She stops over him and lets the pen fall into his lap. Windham stares at it, trying to fathom what he's contractually bound to do. After an agonizing moment, he takes the pen to hand.]

TW (somewhat inaudible, but the mic picks up enough): Give me the ******* papers!

DT: He's going to sign them!

DM: He has to, Dave. He doesn't have a choice!

[Lindsay starts to lower the papers down to him, but stops.]

LT: This must really tear you up inside, Troy.

TW: **** you, harlot. Just give me the ******* document.

LT: I'd love to.

[She stoops down to one knee and leans in, close enough so Troy can feel her breath lap against his cheek.]

LT: But our marriage was never legal in the first place.

DT: What? What did...what did she just say?

LT: Y'see, Troy, [her voice starts to crack] these papers aren't for you.

[She pauses, and a stillness rapidly blankets the Staples Center.]

LT: They're for Joey Melton.

[A collective GASP! rises from the silence, the fans completely unsure of how to react. Did they really just hear her right? Did she just say...]

DM: They've been married THE WHOLE TIME? AND NO ONE KNEW?

MN: SHE JUST PLAYED EVERYONE AGAIN!

DT: I....I can't believe this. Lindsay Troy and Joey Melton, husband and wife, and now...now she wants out?!

[Before Windham can even think about grinning, Troy drives her knee right into his face, then kicks him out of the ring. She looks down over the top rope, her face twisting from smugness to sadness. She glances down at the papers in her hand, trying to formulate the words she needs to say. The crowd can't even boo, don't know if they should.]

LT (softly): I didn't want it to turn out this way.

DT: What way could she have possibly wanted it to turn out? She planted that document, knowing full well what it said, into the briefcase!

DM: Let her explain, Dave.

[Troy lifts her head, scrunching her brow and looking out into the crowd.]

LT: People who know me know I try as hard as I can to separate my personal life from the business. More often than not, though, the two mesh together whether I want them to or not, which also tends to lead to some kind of trouble. When Windham showed up the first time and scorched me with a fireball, I had a feeling that was just the beginning and he wasn't going to stop at just that. As it would turn out, he didn't. Call it a premonition as to how low Windham would stoop, but after Black Dawn, I didn't want to wait until we had the time to plan something a bit more formal. So, I quietly married Joey this past spring before Unleashed, and things were going well for awhile. But they didn't last.

[She starts to pace, the crowd starting to buzz.]

LT: I should have realized Joey Melton would always put the business first two Novembers ago when he returned to New Frontier Wrestling for another chance at the ULTRATITLE, a move that came as a shock to me since it was never something he discussed prior to signing a new contract. He was supposed to be managing me, only he wasn't at all. Adrian Evans once told me that I needed to let Joey Melton be who he was if I wanted to be WITH him. And for awhile, that's what I did. But then New Frontier turned into Ultimate Championship. The ULTRATITLE turned into reuniting with Calvin Carlton and Eddy Love's jacket. That turned into the Cameron Cruise Project Part Two. The idea I had for us to team up in order to spend some more time together dashed when Joey decided it wasn't something he wanted to commit to for the long run. I'd rearrange my travel schedule, taking on less promotional duties in order to try and be a <i>family,</i> but when I'd be home, he'd have somewhere else to be. And that's not the kind of life I want. Not anymore.

DM: This is surreal. Lindsay Troy, pouring her heart out here. I don't think anyone would ever expect this from her.

[Troy looks up at the EMPIREtron, doing her best to hold her emotions in check, but her facade is cracking.]

LT: I went through with the Windham ruse because I wanted to pay that man back so badly for what he did to me and to beat him at his own game of smoke and mirrors. And at the end of the day, when I didn't have to play pretend anymore, there was hardly ever someone for me to go home to. I've tried so many times to talk to you about this, Joey, in private, away from everyone else, but you never listened. Not once. And I don't think you're ever going to. We love this business, but if I had the choice between continuing in it with an unknown future, or leaving it all behind for a relationship and a family that would be absolutely, infallibly certain, I'd put my gear on the shelf. I'm not getting any younger and as it is, I can barely stand on my own two feet right now.

DT: Does this mean she's going to retire? Is Lindsay Troy announcing her retirement?

MN: Oh if there's a God in Heaven...

DM: I hope not. She may be thirty but there's still a lot of spring in her step, as evidenced tonight.

LT: You can't say the same, Joey. You'd either hesitate or, if you said yes, you'd be lying. You may never hang it up. You may do this until it kills you. I just can't let myself be around to watch you do it.

[The crowd is starting to get louder, and it's not quite certain if there are cheers or boos in the air.]

LT: I'm not leaving the business. Not just yet. But I'm not going to let the business be put first instead of me anymore. I love you, but you want the spotlight much more than you want me. I didn't want to tell you all this in this way, because dirty laundry should be kept at home, but I ran out of options. I've compromised on a lot of things, but this is something I just can't do.

[The divorce papers and the microphone fall to the canvas with a <i>crackle</i>, and Lindsay Troy gingerly exits the ring, making sure to take care around the remaining tacks on the arena floor. As she walks up the aisle and the ramp, there's a definite sound of clapping in the air, mixed in with some static from those who don't quite fully understand the challenges of being in a relationship with "The Unifier."]

DM: Regardless of what anyone might think of her methods, what Troy just said was nothing short of the truth, as painful as it may be.

MN: I have to wonder what must be going through Joey Melton's mind right now. I'll bet he's crying a river in the back right now!

DT: I don't know, but I'm hoping we'll get some answers soon! What a night! What an ending! For Mike Neely and Dean Matthews, I'm Dave Thomas. GOODNIGHT!
 
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