Dot your I's and Cross your T's

[EastPrez]

(FADEIN: To the front of a hospital emergency room, night time, no name of the place is mentioned. the ER Double-Doors slide open, as a nurse comes around the corner, wheeling a busted-up 'HOT PROPERTY' EDDIE MAYFIELD, whos' wearing a fiberglass cast going up his whole right leg, ripped pants from the cast, and a white tee-shirt thats stained with old blood, and a white plastic bag, that has personal effects in it, supposedly. MAYFIELD looks like he got hit by a truck, but he winces through it, his 30% pimp shades on, and a Camel hanging from his lip. The nurse is in the middle of arguing with MAYFIELD over the cigarette smoke, and he ignores her, blithley. They get out to the curb, and MAYFIELD looks around, then looks down at his leg.)

MAYFIELD: "So... (pause) that's it? You're just kicking me out?"

NURSE: (Angry) "You're lucky I took you to the door. I should've left you on the elevator."

MAYFIELD: "Yunno what? For that crack? No tip for you, sweetcheeks." (The NURSE turns around in a huff, and stomps back into the hospital,. leaving MAYFIELD alone on the curb.)

(MAYFIELD looks around again, and digs in the bag and pulls out his CSWA PRESIDENTIAL belt, and slaps it over his shoulder, laughs, then coughs right afterward.)

MAYFIELD: (After a brief coughing fit) "Yeah, hey, how ya doing. Eddie Mayfield here, and as you can see, I'm not in the greatest of positions right now, because of a 'reciept' given to me by that pu(BLEEEEEEP!) Dan Ryan, and Triple X-lax the other night. Well guess what, boys? Congrats - you put the biggest mouth in the CSWA in the hospital for a hot minute. Golf Claps for all involved. (Mocks a golf clap, then coughs again. He takes a deep drag off the Camel, and flicks it into the grass) So, for anybody who saw that show, you saw Eddie... (winces) not really 'acting himself' that night. You saw Eddie Mayfield, a man who WASN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE ON THAT FU(BLEEEEEEP!)NG SHOW, show up anyway, just to sit at ringside and channel the spirit of 50 Cent and then get my ass jumped. That's SO GOD-DA(BLEEP!) AWESOME. I'm so proud of Chad Merrit right now. Thanks, Chad. I owe you ANOTHER one.

Yasee, I got a phone call from one of the Road Agents, and that little bastard said, 'Hey Eddie, we know you're not on the card, but yunno... this show is gonna blow huge pickles if we don't get some more names on it." and you know what that means - that MUST SEE TV, YOUR FUC(BLEEEEEEEEP!) PRESIDENT, was called in to work on his day off. So I show up, and yunno, I gotta apologize to the millions of constituents and registered voters, because I came out there after some idiot in the locker room next to my PRESIDENTIAL SUITE wouldn't turn the volume down on his new Fabolous CD, and to seal the deal, gave me a monster headache, then, THEN! Someone in the sound booth thought it'd be funny to dub out all of my commentary, from how I USUALLY run the gift of gab, to 'Be Straight Dissin' Em, Yo!' for the TV audience. Well, Chad - you try to make me sound like an idiot on National TV - hey, that's fine. You call me in to work to give your jackals clearance to punk me? That's cool too. Dan Ryan, a 12 foot man-beast takes a sledgehammer to my ****(BLEEEEEP!) knee, because he's too much of a PUNK-ASS, he couldn't roll me with his bare hands? OOOH BIG MAN. THAT'S FUC(BLEEEEEEEEP!)NG COOL TOO.

You see, all you've done, is shown what I've known all along: The CSWA IS AFRAID OF EDDIE MAYFIELD. Merritt, he sends out that nine-foot Mortal Kombat character, Steel Viper to take me out during MY INAUGUAL AIRING OF iTV - but yo, I'm smarter than that. Viper, I don't sweat you. And you can take that back to in front of the car garage, or whatever level of Double Dragon you came from, and smoke that.

Chad suckers me in to work ON MY DAY OFF, to take a licking, because Ryan and his boy can't figure out a decent sneak attack on their own, they needed help from MANAGEMENT to make it work? Well, guess what? I've got some fractures going on in my wheel here... (Pats the cast, then immediately stifles a scream) ... jesus, don't do that again... And I just heard that on MY SHOW... iTV, heh... (Smirks, as he looks up at the sky, in another world) the Second VOYAGE OF MY TV PROGRAM... That Chad Merritt is trying to strike back. He wants to IMPEACH THE PRESIDENT... he wants to TAKE ME OUT FOR GOOD by putting me in a 'Everything 2 Lose' Match with the Other Intruders, versus That Guy Who's Name I Won't Say, XXX and Kevin "Good God, I Need to find an AA program near my house" Powers. Hey, guess what? I've got a leg that sounds like an unassembled Lego set when I try to move it, but SOMEHOW, I'll be there. By the love of all that's good, I'll be there, Chad. This is PERSONAL, now. Dan Ryan? I'm SO not done with you, you giant oaf. You took Bandit out from behind? He'll get over it. Me? I WON'T. So for starters, I'm gonna limp or hop my ass to that ring on iTV and beat the sh(BLEEEEEP!) out of your running buddy, and I'm gonna drop him on his head again, just like I did at the last iTV, Stevens. In a fu(BLEEEEP!) cast to add insult to your injury. You're gonna get Deja Vu all over again, kid - because You Deserve My Hate, and I have so much to give. (Snorts)

And so what else? after the match dwindles down, whoevers left gets to turn on each other and fight like rats in a cage. Chad, I'll give you that - this is creative. But know one thing - YOU cannot break up the Intruders, and I won't allow you to. GUNS? I heard your rap about not losing, and man, EYE don't wanna stand in your way. But I also won't allow Chad to break up our unit, and I ALSO won't stand back and hold the tag rope for you. or eat a Superkick from Casper the Cajun Ghost for you. I guess that's a conundrum, Big man. I'm sure you'll do the right thing in there, as Chad Merritt tries to fight back at the I's - but it's too late to rally, Chad. We're too strong, and at iTV? You think you've hurt me? Man, I'm not gonna let a busted leg stop me - and you're gonna be SHOCKED out your seats for what happens at iTV. SOAK ON THAT, all of ya'll. Your President has spoken.

Good Night... and God Bless."

(FADEOUT as MAYFIELD throws up a weak Victory Salute, pulls out a cellphone from his plastic bag, and starts dialing a number.)

 

[Packschmid]

Solidarity

(FADEIN: GUNS wearing the WrestleThon '03 T-shirt, standing in front of the iTV banner.)

GUNS: Eddie, I'm gonna make it pretty clear - at Primetime in Chicago, I'm gonna have my game face on. Right now, you're the Presidential champion. Right now, you're living large. Sure, you've got a busted up leg, but come back and talk to me about pain when you've got medics trying to pull a three-foot bloody splinter out of your knee. You see, Eddie, while you've been prospering, I've been getting embarrassed - every chump in the CSWA locker room has united to knock me down a peg. Whether it be Wildstar, Tsunami, and Manuel Juarez's cousin from South of the Border - whether it be the No False Gimmick frog Rabesque - whether it be the raging alcoholic stalker Kevin Powers. The luster's been taken off my image just a little bit lately, Eddie, and now the whispers have become full-fledged shouts. GUNS doesn't have it anymore. GUNS is a failure. GUNS is a damn joke - well, sorry, Eddie, but I'm SICK of it.

So, Primetime, GUNS takes a stand. Third Row, Inc. is open for business, and heads are gonna roll. Shane Southern, your World Championship dreams - they're getting dashed for the LAST time. Eddie and Craig have cut your hair, but I'm gonna crush your spirit once and for all at Primetime.

Sean Stevens, a man who has done a TENTH in his career of what I've done in mine. You've got the nerve to mouth off to me, boy? Just because Poison Ivy's willing to spread her legs for you? Just because Eli Flair lets you carry his bags to the arena for him? I gave you some friendly advice, and you spit in my damn face. Well, Sean, you want to be a superstar? You want to be famous? You best believe, boy, I'll make you famous - I'll make you the most famous souvenir for some lucky fan this week. You don't like it? Do something about it. But here's a news flash - you CAN'T.

And that brings me to the annoying little gnat who keeps buzzing and buzzing and buzzing around. Kevin Powers, a few weeks ago, I gave you what you were asking for. In the spirit of charity, I offered you a one on one match with me, but you were too scared to accept. You wanted the publicity of interfering in my matches, without having to face retribution. When you declined the match, Kevin, I told you plain and simple - you stick my nose in my business again - hell, if you even mentioned my NAME again and I happened to hear it - you were gonna wind up in a world of pain. Well, I guess you don't listen too good, and Chad Merritt's seen fit to let you sit at the big boy's table. That's fine, boy - enjoy your fifteen minutes in the spotlight - enjoy your ride on the main event train while it lasts, because I promise you this - I'm gonna DERAIL it, and the whole world is gonna be watching.

And after all that is said and done, Eddie - after Shane Southern has been denied his moment of glory one more time, after Sean Stevens gets put in his place, and after Kevin Powers gets every last bit of the attention he's been begging from me for the last six months - then it's gonna come down to the Battle of the Intruders. Eddie Mayfield, Craig Miles, GUNS - the question will finally be answered.

Who's the best?

Chad Merritt, you think you can break up the Intruders? Not a chance. We're coming into that match as a team, and we're leaving as a team.

But, Eddie, quite frankly - I've had enough views of ceiling lights for my tastes lately, and I don't plan on laying down for ANYBODY in Chicago. Not even you, Mr. President.

 

[EastPrez]

Make Good Choices

(FADEIN: To a grimacing 'Hot Property' EDDIE MAYFIELD, on his couch in his Jacksonville, Florida condo. His cast-covered right leg is elevated on the coffee table, now slightly covered by signatures. On the couch next to him are both UNIFIED CSWA World Tagteam titles, the CSWA PRESIDENTIAL belt, a bunch of EB Games bags, and an unwrapped clamshell box for STAR WARS: Knights of the old Republic, along with a wireless X-Box controller. MAYFIELD is wearing an Intruders T-shirt and some running shorts, looking uncomfortable.)

MAYFIELD: (Wincing, adjusting his leg slowly on the table) "Jesus, GUNS, you're right, I'll never, and hope to NEVER EVER, know what it feels like to have a coffee table leg or whatever the hell it was, sticking through MY kneecap. You got me one-upped on war stories, and yo - that's REALLY fine with me. Go on, you get the star for that. (coughs, then searches through the rubble on the couch, producing a pack of Camels, then swiftly pops and lights it in a fluid motion, taking a test charge, then laying back, sighing as he blows a stream of smoke out of his nose) ... MAN, that's good sh(BLEEP!). Laramie Smooth.

But anyway, let's get to the matter at hand. Chad Merritt, in his INFINITE wisdom, has decided, hey, yunno - at first, that Eddie Mayfield kid was amusing - I'd let him run around and pop the crowd, and then REALLY FAST - Chad had the right of mind to decide that I was a powderkeg. A freaking TIMEBOMB of talent ready to explode all over CSWA like a crowd of doods on a chick in a Bukakke film - and he got scared. NOW it's too late. Bonnie Mayfield's Only Son, Eddie Mayfield, One-third of the ONLY over thing in CSWA - the Intruders faction. Eddie Mayfield, WORLD TAGTEAM CHAMP. Eddie Mayfield, PRESIDENT OF CSWA. Eddie Mayfield, Producer and innovator of the ONLY SHOW THAT MATTERS ON CSWA PROGRAMMING - iTV.... AND... (inhales) The whipped cream on top of your after-dinner gelatin. (Smirks)

And NOW, Chads gotta start rallying the troops. He gets into bed with that 13-foot tall walking sack of doo-doo, Dan Ryan, and his boy Triple Fat Goose, and listens to Ryans whining pleas of 'striking back for the hometeam'. So he goes on and gets the CSWA Agents to bring my ass in to work ON MY DAY OFF, mind you - do the worst dubbing of my voice since Kung Fu Theater on channel 48, and then cream Bandit and nearly knock my leg off of my body. And to make matters worse, Merritt has booked a 'Nothing 2 Lose' match at iTV - MY GOD-D(BLEEEEP!) SHOW!; The Paragons of Virtue that are the I's, versus The CSWA's version of mid-season Network Replacements: Casper the Cajun Ghost, the NOLA MIA kid, Three Strikes Sean Stevens, and Kevin 'Who? I'm sorry, I was in the bathroom when that match happened' Powers. And the capper is - after we wipe up Chicago with those do-nothings, Chad has decided that the remaining guys have to turn and fight each other to become the Sole Survivor and get a World Title Shot. AWESOME. (Rolls eyes)

Well check this - I love Survivor as much as the next guy, but GUNS - my man, It CAN'T go down like that. You've gone on record saying that the 'L' stops here - and man, I'm SO cool with that. But the problem remains - like you said - when it comes down to the end of this, WHO is the brightest star in the Intruders? Me? You? Cocky Craig? Even though I've already answered that question a thousand times in my head (Smiles), I'm not ready to play it out in front of a live studio audience for Chad Merritts twisted satisfaction.

See GUNS, like I said, I'm not standing back to let you Do Your Thing at the end of the night, and Kneelift my head off so you can answer those little niggling questions that keep you up and heading down to the kitchen for a glass of warm milk and a handfull of Nilla Wafers in the middle of the night. That's not what I'm hopping my one-legged ass to iTV to do. And I'm also not gonna stand by and take a Superkick on the jaw so you can sweep in and score the win either. We all have something to prove - some more than others (smiles wide again!), but we're gonna have to find some common ground among all this, or as you already probably figured out - the Terrorists Win. I can't allow that. Not now, not EVER.

All I know is this - The I's WILL be standing tall at the end of this, and there won't be ONE chink in our armor, and it's gonna drive Chad to drink more than he already does - because you can't chop off our heads, Merritt - we'll be the ones doing the chopping at iTV. We'll see what you gotta say about that.

GUNS? Man, Me and Craig are tight, but you... we haven't seen you in a while. Come on, my man, (Pats the seat of the couch next to him) I'm inviting you on over to the condo. I got an extra controller here... (Moves around some stuff on the couch) bring Heather with you, and she and Anne can head over to Crate and Barrell to shop for decorative plates or whatever the hell they wanna do - and we can talk, like men. We haven't talked in a while, bro, and before we do this thing, we really should. Like Jamie Lee Curtis said in Freaky Friday - Make Good Choices. I know YOU will, and do the Right Thing at iTV. For the sake of m... uh, For the good of the Intruders. That's all that REALLY matters, right?"

(MAYFIELD smiles, and leans back, taking a hard pull off of his cigarette, then coughs violently, wincing and grabbing at his leg! FADEOUT!)

 

[Packschmid]

(FADEIN: GUNS standing in front of the iTV banner, wearing a WRESTLETHON '03 T-shirt.)

GUNS: Eddie, let's get a few things straight. First of all, I know who the enemy is. Shane Southern, Triple X-Lax, and Mr. Soon to be Living the Rest of his Short Life in Agonizing Pain Kevin Powers - they're just the foot soldiers. I never have lost, nor will I ever lose sight of the fact that Chad Merritt is the puppet master pulling the strings, and now he's trying to pull the Intruders into a game of mortal combat. He tried the divide and conquer trick at Battle of the Belts, and now he's going back to the well again at Primetime. Do you think I really plan on giving Merritt the satisfaction of watching the Intruders crumble before his very eyes? I don't think so. But here's the thing, Eddie, and there's really no way around this - Chad Merritt, he can't do a damn thing to break up the Intruders. But, Eddie Mayfield - you have all the power in the world to do just that.

You see, Eddie, I'm not a patient man - I know you and Craig are "boys", you were tag team partners before I ever came back to the CSWA - in fact, you were tag team partners when you came to me with the Intruders concept and asked if you could help me do what needs to be done to this place. I can accept the fact that you guys have your own little clique, that you guys are "cool", but when you start casting your little smart aleck remarks in MY direction - when you start saying that EYE have to the right thing - that's when you start treading on dangerous ground.

Eddie, I'm too old to play games, video or otherwise. We're coming to Chicago with singular focus - to win at all costs. One way or another, the Intruders will prevail. That much is a given. As for which one of us gets to be the sole survivor...that's just something that words aren't gonna settle. I'll do my part, you do your part, Craig will do his part, and then we'll see what happens.

You got a problem with that, Mr. President?

I didn't think so.