still on the throwing stars...
(CUTTO: Krist Blue, in a girly sized, blood stained “Death Cab for Cutie” T-shirt and a black tutu, sitting Indian style on the sofa, in front of a broken TV set…)
“America’s Sweetheart”
KRIST BLUE: Okay, so I tuned out for a while. I admit it. When I heard the creators of Gilmore Girls were getting booted off the show for some reason, I just didn’t give whoever the new guys were a chance.
And, y’know, like, I bet a ton of you out there are like, “Omigawd, Gilmore Girls SUCKS, why are you talking about it?” And I know it’s not, like, a friggin’ Darren Aronofsky movie or something, but it’s not such a bad show. The dialogue is amusing, when it doesn’t try to force its quirkiness. The show has characters that are easy to relate to with their imperfections, but they’re still wholesome in their well-meaning-ness. It’s the sort of thing I’d watch with my daughters, if I hadn’t aborted them all. At least it’s not a reality show, y’know?
But, wow man. I watched one of the newer episodes earlier tonight? Pretty icky. Like, with Rory and Logan having txt sex? I betcha Cingular shelled out, like, zillions of dollars for THAT subplot slash product placement. Can you imagine if anyone actually really tried doing that? That’d be, like, the most un-arousing, sterile, embarrassingly cheese ball and sh(bleep)y group masturbation EVER. The only point in dedicating 20 minutes of the episode to it is just to say, (affects a clueless marketing guy voice), “see kids, pay for lots and lots and lots of txt messages, jack off while doing so, and you’ll be hot people having sex, just like Rory and Logan!”
And the little kids everywhere? Little kids are STOOPID. They don’t do anything. It’s just so f(bleep)king moldy old soccer moms can watch and say, “aw, lookitem kids.” And Lane’s like, pregnant now? That’s NOT COOL. She’s the cute comedy sidekick character!! I wanted her band to get famous, or something! And now she’s knocked up?! Why?! ‘Cuz every other character on the show has already either been knocked up or married or SOMETHING, and now it’s her turn!! Why’s they have to ruin Lane for me?!?! And the guy who played Luke’s nephew was the worst actor I’d ever seen!!! I HATE THE CW!!! I WANT MY WB BACK!!! YOU SONS OF *****ES!!! AAAAHHHHHH!!!
(pulls a throwing star bazooka out from under the sofa, and unloads another round into the devastated remains of her TV set…)
Uh. Sorry everybody. Anyhoo, I’d like to tell you all that I’ve taken a lesson from my gay boyfriend Emdubbya, and will NOT smoke crack and have sex with sketchy guys all the time before my match this time. See, I think the reason I always lose, is ‘cuz I’m too tired from hot raunchy sex and too strung out to wrestle. I think if I like practice ‘n stuff, I might like, do good. So um, you better get ready, Candice Devon or whatever your name is, ‘cuz I’ll totally have gotten a good night’s sleep before I face you. Then I’ll smoke some crack and nail some dood after I beat you. Hear that? I’m gonna BEAT YOU!!! YAY!!! I’m FINALLY GOONA WIN!!! WHOOOOO!!! (shoots another throwing star bazooka round into the ceiling) Whoops. Got too excited.
VOICE FROM FLOOR ABOVE: OWWWWW!!! MY LEGS AND ASS HAVE THROWING STARS IN THEM NOW!!! WHYYYYY?!?!?
KRIST: Sorry Jim-Bob!! I didn’t mean to hurt you!!!
VOICE: Don’t worry Krist. You’re a sweetie.
KRIST: Aw. Thanks!! (blows a kiss skyward)
VOICE: Now take me to the hospital!! We’ll smoke crack on the way!!
KRIST: Keen gear!!!
(FTB)
