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Defending the contending.


The REAL Funk U. T-shirt
Aug 26, 2008
[FADE IN: on a roadhouse diner. It’s somewhere on the road between Wichita and Memphis. It’s typical. Smells of coffee, burnt eggs and an over mopped floor. Booths line the windows. Trucks fill the parking lot with a few other vehicles. In one of the booths we see GREG HERPIN, sipping coffee. A half-eaten stack of pancakes is pushed to one side. He smiles to himself, like only he gets the joke, as the camera begins to move toward him.]


“Frontier. You all witnessed the birth of something powerful in this company. And I’m not talking about Jack Harmen aligning with Pat Black AY KAY AY Cancer. I’m not talking about Peter Windham actually DOING something with his commissionary powers.” (shakes his head) “No. I’m not talking about that at all.

“Let me SHOW you what I’m talking about.”

[He drains the rest of his coffee from his mug. Runs his forearm over his mouth and stands. He ushers for the camera to follow him.]


“This way. C’mon.”

[He begins to make his way to the door of the diner, talking to the camera as he does. Other patrons of the diner watch him.]


“See, they always say to do anything in the business you need BRAINS and BRAUN. Let’s discover why both elements are so important to being successful as a wrestler.”

[The door jingles as he opens it, brushing against a bell. He holds the door open for the cameraman who steps out into the dusty lot. HERPIN gestures to the right with his arm and takes the lead again.]


“Brains is so important. It’s important because this industry is manipulative. It’s conniving. You can’t trust people as far you can throw them. People you think you know. People you think you’ve come to trust will turn around and drive a knife so far in your spine you won’t even get to feel your legs TWITCH.”

[To the right of the diner is a garage. There aren’t many cars parked around the service centre, but HERPIN continues to move towards there.]


“This industry is full of people looking to twist, cajole, connive and worm their way into opportunities they’re undeserving of. Let’s take Peter Windham as an example. Or PEE-DUB.” (scoffs) “I like that, Mr. Caldweller. See, while Peter’s mind might be running too fast for him to cling to a single, solitary thought he’s still dangerous.”

[They get closer to the service centre where you can hear the slight sound of metal clanking.]


“Idiots in charge are ALWAYS dangerous. Case in point… Eddie Mayfield. He’s the prime example. Give an idiot just an OUNCE of power? Look at the world’s they can create. Mind you, PEE-DUB isn’t HALF the idiot you are, Eddie. Nor is he half as manipulative. Nor is he half as SPINELESS. Nor is he half as COWARDLY!”

[Stopped in his tracks, HERPIN snarls at the camera.]


“I digress…” (squints) “Be that as it may, an idiot in charge is a dangerous idiot. Just look at what that idiot was able to do at BRAWL. Not only was he able to double book Teddy Alexander. Not only did he ABUSE the LITTLE power he HAS by forcing OTHER Frontier superstars into contests he had NO RIGHT in booking.”

[The sounds in the garage grow louder as they get closer. HERPIN stops, as if to really make his point.]


“But that little miscreant has the audacity, and unfortunately the AUTHORITY, to book a NUMBER – ONE – CONTENDERS MATCH to the TRIPLE – CROWN – CHAMPIONSHIP?”

[HERPIN kicks at the dust in frustration, creating a little dust cloud. Hands on his hips he points down the barrel and goes to speak, only to stop himself for a moment laughing as if unable to understand how to respond. GREG finally finds the words.]


“If you haven’t been watching this broadcast for the last six months… HELL! Last YEAR! Because if you HAVE you’d know there already IS a number one contender. You’d already KNOW someone is deserving of the NFW Triple Crown Championship. YOU’D – ALREADY KNOW – WHO THAT – MAN – IS!”

[He turns on the camera and starts to walk into the garage, at a quicker pace. HERPIN stops again to give the camera another mouthful.]


“That’s why idiots are dangerous. That’s why idiots shouldn’t WIELD power. Not only does Peter Windham, the Commissioner of NFW, book Kerry Kuroyama AND Xavier Langston in a match they DO NOT deserve but he books HIMSELF into that contest. He puts himself into the match. He puts himself in a four corners match to determine a number one contender.

“The number one contender to a title held by A MAN who couldn’t even walk into the arena at Wichita. A man who won’t be able to put one foot in front of the other to walk into Memphis. I doubt he’ll even MAKE IT to Futureshock 2. A man who is probably overdue to DEFEND his title. A man who CAN’T defend his title thanks to ONE – MAN!”

[HERPIN makes his way into the centre of the garage. The sounds of metal clunking around grow louder. The camera is able to focus on an individual. TEDDY ALEXANDER stands in the middle of the garage curling a car axle with both hands. He lets it drop to the floor, producing the metallic clanking we heard earlier. He notices HERPIN moving across the garage toward him with the camera in tow. Sweat drips off his grizzly beard and onto the latest in NFW apparel, a TEDDY ALEXANDER PE dispenser shirt, with a cartoon TEDDY kicking someone’s head back so far PEZ bursts out of their throat. Of course, the sleeves are crudely cut off. HERPIN turns back to the camera.]


“The man you see before you IS the current Number 1 Contender to the NFW Triple Crown Championship. Don’t mistake that. Don’t let the details Peter Windham is trying to bluff you with disguise the truth for you. Don’t let that happen. This man is the Number 1 Conternder to the Triple Crown.

“The match that Peter Windham has booked, and injected himself into, might be FOR the Number 1 Contender to the NFW Triple Crown Championship, but it’s not to decide who it is. That decision has been made. That decision was made long ago. That decision was OBVIOUS when Eddie Mayfield had to intervene to STOP the Number 1 Contender shelf his CHAMPION permanently.

(shakes his head) “No. This match at Reloaded isn’t to determine who it is.

“The match at Reloaded is Teddy Alexander DEFENDING his Number 1 Contender to the NFW Triple Crown. Just take a look at the NFW website. HE’S ALREADY LISTED AS THE NUMBER 1 CONTENDER!”

[HERPIN puts his hands to his temples and then holds them out, confused as he tries to comprehend the thought.]


“I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here. I feel like I’m going insane. Am I the only one that ACTUALLY gets this? Am I?

“Staring at Peter Windham making idiotic decisions about FACTS is like staring at a young Eddie Mayfield. THE DIFFERENCE IS Peter gets to experience his own stupidity immediately. He doesn’t LEARN from it though. He doesn’t seem to understand. He still seems to think that someway and somehow he’s deserving an opportunity in the same ring as Teddy Alexander.

“This is what you call digging – your own – grave! You see, Peter, the only thing that you’ve accomplished in trying to swing your proverbials around is simply annoy Teddy. You’ve simply made him angry. You have seen what he’s capable of and you wet your pants just thinking about him wrapping his hands around your scrawny neck but you STILL manage to forget all of that and put yourself inside a ring with him. You still book him in a match with you. You put Teddy in a ring with you. In a ring with you AND Kerry Kuroyama and Xavier Langston.

(squints) “Are you THAT stupid or is it all just a game to you? Hmmm? Do you HONESTLY think that you stand a snowflakes change in Hell?”

[HERPIN sweeps his arms across in front of him as if he were cancelling something out.]


“Ignoring the FACT you’re stepping into a ring with the Spinal Snap Monger, let’s forget about that for a minute… but you stand in a ring with K2 and Da Man. Two men you don’t hold a candle to. Two men who could pull you apart on their lonesome but together? The two of them and you? Your entrée is served. But then you come to the main course. Then you come to the Phildelphian Nightmare. The Warbasher.”

[HERPIN chuckles to himself, shaking his head in disbelief.]


“Peter… when you get to the main event you’ve bitten off MORE than you can chew.”

[He reaches up and puts a hand on the shoulder of ALEXANDER’s massive frame.]


“And when he’s put his boot through your skull with an Angerbash kick… After he’s put you through the canvas with the Ragekill Driver… And if he’s felt like you’ve had enough and ONLY – THEN… you’ll have HAD your just desserts.”

[TEDDY claps a massive hand on the back of HERPIN, who can’t help but take a step forward from the kind gesture. ALEXANDER bounces his head from side-to-side.]


“It’s been over THREE MONTHS. THREE months. And we haven’t heard a word. Not a fucken peep fro-“


“Language, Teddy.”


“Fuck off.”




[HERPIN takes a step back.]


“Not a fucken peep…” (sideways glance at HERPIN) “…from da Triple Crown Champion. See, if I figure right, you won that belt all them days ago against Rook Black and you’ve only successfully defended your belt…”

[TEDDY makes a scene of trying to count on his fingers going through them. 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10 and all the way back again until one finger remains and he holds it up.]


“Once. Just once. And you ONLY defended it once because I…” (thumbs himself in the chest) “…ALLOWED it. Do you remember dat, Ley-Ley? AAAALLLLLLL da way back in September? Hmmmm? All da way back then when Alex Austin tried to prise it from you? Back in da day when a certain somebody returned to da Frontier? DO YOU REMEMBER DAT? HUH?”

[HERPIN jumps as TEDDY roars, spitting as he ignites.]


“You might not remember it, Ocho. Your memory might not be what it used to be these days. You know, after all da times I’ve kicked da cobwebs out of your head. But on dat night, September 14 in Phila-fucking-delphia, Teddy Alexander came BACK to da Frontier and put his boot through your head. A boot you’re mighty familiar with by now. A boot dat’s trashed your thick skull SOOOO many times now.

“As a matter of fact, if I take a look at da bottom of my wrestlin’ boots I can see dat dumb surprised look’f yours etched into da rubber. DAT’S how many times I’ve got da better of you. DAT’S how I’ve earnt my RIGHT as da Number 1 Contender to da Triple Crown Championship.

“DAT’S why I DESERVE dat Championship wrapped around my waist.”

[TEDDY makes a belt gesture. HERPIN folds his arms across his chest proudly.]


“THREE months. THREE – FUCKIN’ – MONTHS! You’ve been da Triple Crown Champion for nearly a WHOLE YEAR now. ONE – WHOLE – FUCKIN’ – YEAR! One whole year and all you’ve done is defend it just – ONCE!”

[Holds one finger up for all to see.]


“A belt you’ve failed to defend since November 23, when you couldn’t even finish what ya started. Seven damn months. SEVEN months. SEVEN! Seven months and you can’t put dat sonofabitch on da line coz you’re a scared little bitch. You won’t fight me so you won’t even defend it.

“You just wanna put it in your pocket. Put it in your pocket and forget it ever existed out’f fear. Fear dat if you take it out, if da little screen shimmers in da right light it catches somebody’s attention. A certain somebody who continues to pull da wings off flies just like you. A man who knows no bounds to his aggression. A man who time and time and TIME – AGAIN destroys pitiful excuses for human bein’s JUST – LIKE – YOU!”

[HERPIN laughs as TEDDY, wild-eyed, stares down the barrel of the camera.]


“See, Leyenda, I don’t know how sore your knees are coz your suckin’ somebody’s dick to keep dat belt wrapped ‘round ya waist.”


“Oh no!”

[HERPIN paws the air and walks away to laugh out loud.]


“Coz if somebody ain’t paintin’ da back’f ya throat white you must have photos. Coz ya haven’t earnt it in dat ring. Coz ya haven’t defended it. Coz ya haven’t put dat belt on da line. And da line, by da way, is gettin’ longer. Da line is gettin’ back down da street and ‘round da corner.”

[TEDDY points off into the distance, still eyeballing the camera with his crazy eyes.]


“And I’m at da HEAD of da fuckin’ line. I’m at da front. I’ve got da first golden fucken ticket, Ocho. I deserve dat belt. Not you. NOT – YOU! You sit there, in your wheelchair, fillin’ your catheter bag and dribblin’ like a mess with your crochet blanket over your knees and you Triple Crown Championship laid in your LAP!

“You’re not a champion.” (spits on the ground) “You’re not a champion’s ASSHOLE!”

[TEDDY’s shoulder heave with his anger bubbling inside of him.]


“You see, Leyenda, now you got a problem. Now you got two men and an idiot competin’ for my Number 1 Contendership. But you don’t need to worry about them. You don’t need to focus your attention on them. They’re not your concern. They’re mine. What you DO need to pay attention to, Ocho, is da demonstration. Da demonstration in your name. Da show I’m goin’ to put on for you.

“It appears as though Peter Windham doesn’t give a fuck about his own personal well-bein’ or for dat matter da well-bein’ of K2 and Da Man. It appears with da authority he’s been provided he isn’t concerned with their ongoin’ participation on dis roster because he’s led them to da slaughter. He’s driven them on a collision course with their demise.”

[TEDDY’s face is lit with a thought. He raises a finger to exclaim the point.]


“Oh, Langston! I almost forgot!”

[Sarcastically, TEDDY beings to applaud. HERPIN palms his face, grinning like he already knows the punchline. TEDDY stops clapping.]


“I forgot to congratulate on your victory. I forgot to pat you on the back. I never got an opportunity to shake your hand. You know, on account’f you runnin’ like da yellow-bellied DOG you are backstage and hidin’ in your mama’s purse. I didn’t get da opportunity to congratulate you.

“You know, for a man who calls himself Da Man you sure don’t act like one. Maybe you oughta rethink it? Maybe you should reconsider. What about… Oh! I know! Da Bitch! Or even Da Cowardly Bitch Who Can’t Fight Face to Face? How do those sound?

“See, Xavier… I’m lookin’ forward to gettin’ an opportunity to give you your penance. I’m lookin’ forward to it. I’m EXCITED about da opportunity to put my boot through your head and fold you up with a Ragekill Driver. And I’m gonna do it while I look you in da eye. Dead in your eye. I’m starin’ deep into your gutless soul when I break you. I’m gonna be lookin’ you dead in da eye JUST… so I can watch da light drown inside them.”

[TEDDY snickers to himself.]


“You might have one over my by da ledger books, Langston. You might have rolled me up while I paid attention to other matters but you see...

“You HAVE – my attention – NOW!”

[HERPIN steps forward.]


“See, Langston, a man like Teddy needs eyes in the back of his head. Someone has to have his back at all times. He can’t watch EVERYBODY gunning for him. Because when you become a man like the man that Teddy is everybody wants to be you. Everybody wants to overcome you. You become that obstacle that makes people relevant.

“Now you’re relevant. You have that victory. That time that everybody remember. They’ll be saying Remember the time Xavier Langston rolled Teddy up like a coward then ran like a kicked dog? They’ll remember that right alongside the time that Teddy Alexander broke your neck in front of the good folks in Memphis. That’ll be their next breath. The time you got put on the shelf by the Kaiju.

“That’s how you’re remembered. That’s how people will remember you. They’ll remember you as another bloodstain in this man’s history books.”

[TEDDY swaggers forward.]



“See, Xavier, I’m six feet and five inches two-hundred and eighty-five pounds of legit fuckin’ beast mode. Dat doesn’t just happen. It takes work. Hard work. Long hours in a gym. Time honin’ your craft. Learnin’ from da best to BECOME… da best.

“A journey you understand, Kerry. A path you forged inside da UWA. Under da watchful eye of Avery Prosser. A man who drives you and drives you to make sure you have what it takes. If you graduate from da UWA and make it to da Frontier… you stand to succeed.

“Jack Bryant is a testament to dat. I am a testament to dat. You are a testament to dat. You’re here. Many others aren’t.”

[TEDDY waggles a finger at the camera.]


“But K2… don’t let my words mistake you. Don’t let those words sound like I’m praisin’ you. Don’t let them lull you into a false sense’f security it’s just respect. You’ve got my respect. I know what Prosser demands and you stand on da Frontier so for DAT you get my respect.

“Now you need to keep it. Now you need to drive dat home. Put da nail in da coffin. You need to overcome ME. You need to beat ME. You need to better ME.

“For every hour you slaved in da UWA gym you need an hour more in another gym. People don’t get dat. They think dis is all some mythological beast and dat Frontier is just fluffin’ it’s own pillows.


[TEDDY shakes his head and puts a hand on his heart.]


“Kerry. I’m lookin’ forward to facin’ you inside dat ring. And I mean dat from da bottom’f my heart. I mean it. I look forward to da challenge dat somebody might be able to bring to me. But dat doesn’t mean I take any less joy in snappin’ your neck. Dat I take any less joy in endin’ your career. Dat I take ANY less joy when you’re taken away in a body bag.

“No, Kerry. I take MORE joy. I take MORE joy. It will be my absolute fucken PLEASURE to pull da wings off a fly like you.

“See, Kerry, while Avery Prosser knows his shit. While Avery is a genius in da world of wrestlin’… I LOATHE da man. I DESPISE da man. Everyday he made me work inside da shadow of Jack Bryant. Everyday. You would have thought Jack were fucken Jesus. EVERYDAY! And by da time I made it through, by da time I’d graduated and had my development deal here on da Frontier, and I finally stood before Jack Bryant and everythin’ I’d heard for all dat time resonated in my head…

“I wanted to kill da man.

“And I tried to. And he tried to kill me. We tried to kill each other and we put on one’f da greatest Brawl Main Events for da NFW Television title dis company ever saw. It was ME steppin’ out Jack’s shadow. ME steppin’ out’f da night and into da day.

“Bryant may have WON dat contest, Kerry, but I still emerged from beneath him. It took everythin’ he had to defeat me. EVERYTHIN’ he had and I was wet behind da ears. I was here for five damn minutes when I had dat opportunity. And I blew it. But I won’t next time. If there ever is a next time. If Jack Bryant is ever able to put himself together after Jack Harmen destroyed him. If dat ever happens. Da next time we meet inside a ring I will shut Avery Prosser’s mouth. I will shut it tight. Once and for all.

“I will be da face of da UWA. I WILL be da spur in your side. And when we face off, Kerry, I hope he’s trained you well. I hope he’s given you EVERYTHIN’ he has because what I see when I see you?”

[TEDDY has become ferociously silent as he wild eyes the camera.]

“I see him. I see his face. I see his mockery. Him. Him mockin’ me. I see it. I hear him. Harpin’ on about Jack. Jack dis. Jack dat. Jack. Jack. Jaaaaaack!”

[TEDDY snaps.]



“When I get my hands on you inside dat ring and see him resonatin’ from your every move I get my opportunity. I get my opportunity to destroy his legacy. I get my opportunity to rain on his fuckin’ parade.

“By paralysin’ da Pacific Blitzkrieg, Kerry.

“You might put dat man on pedestal and I will smash it down to da ground. You are his legacy, Kerry Kuryama. You are his legacy. Jack Bryant is his legacy. And I get my chance again.

“My second chance.

“And I guaran-fucken-tee you, Kerry, dat I WON’T mess it up dis time.

“Avery Prosser’s legacy dies when you are dragged out’f dat ring like a sack of meat. Bloodied. Broken. Maimed.

“When da Frontier comes to Memphis, and I DEFEND my Number 1 Contendership…”

[TEDDY snarls. HERPIN comes in tight over his shoulder and they crowd the camera.]


“Da bodies… HIT!... da floooorrrrrrrr!”


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