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Christmas in July (in August!)

LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
Joined
Jul 3, 1997
Messages
2,073
Points
36
Age
37
Location
The Silk Road
(FADEIN: PETER WINDHAM standing in front of an NFW banner, with LANE CASH and "ROLLS" ROYCE RAMSEY at his sides)

PW: "What you are about to see is footage from the Dirty Money Christmas Special that was set to air last December. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, aka Fiona "Leona Helmsley" Love cut our budget to finish the damn thing, IT COUDL NOT BE COMPLETED. So here's what we DID finish. Enjoy, and we'll be right back for crap-talk promo."

(FADEIN: A uniformed member of the Los Angeles Police Department parks his motorcycle, removes his helmet, and approach a little girl playing along the sidewalk on a sunny California day)

LAPD OFFICER: “Excuse me…”

LITTLE GIRL: “Hello.”

(He shows her a 5x5 photo of Peter Windham circa 1998 during his days as Problem Child, sticking his tongue out like a crazy man behind Troy Windham in UWA)

LAPD OFFICER: “Have you seen this man?”

LITTLE GIRL: “Oh that’s Mr. Peter Windham. My dad says not to talk to him.”

LAPD OFFICER: “Do you have any idea where he might be?”

LITTLE GIRL: “Ummm...he’s usually at the Galleria.”

LAPD OFFICER: “The Galleria?”

(CUTTO: The Galleria Arcade, where PETER WINDHAM is midway through an intense game of Cruisin’ USA. LANE CASH walks over with his arm around a young female, wearing thick black shades and sipping on a big gulp)

CASH: “Yo Peter, let’s bounce, man. Shirley Temple here is getting thirsty for some wine coolers.” (girl looks at him and smiles)

PW: “No way dude. I’m almost through Golden Gate Park.”

(On-screen, Peter’s Jeep Wrangler swerves from a civilian and rights itself towards the Golden Gate Bridge. Lane sighs)

CASH: “Whatever. We’ll be in the cafeteria.”

PW: “Cool.” (eyes trained on the screen)

(Lane walks away, but is soon approached by the LAPD Officer from earlier, who shows him the picture of Peter Windham)

LAPD OFFICER: “Excuse me. Have you seen this man?”

CASH: “Hmm...no.”

(Lane casually walks away from the Officer, then speeds up and runs toward Peter)

CASH: “Hey Pete, there’s this pig scoping you. Check it out.”

(Peter furrows his eyebrows and peers out over the arcade steering wheel just in time to see some kid pointing the cop in his direction)

CASH: “Let’s go, man!”

(Peter crashes into a kid on his way out, knocking his coke and personal pan pizza all over the floor)

PW: “OUTTA MY WAY COCKSUCKER!”

(CUEUP: “You Could Be Mine” by Guns N’ Roses)

(CUTTO: PETER WINDHAM speeding through Los Angeles industrial tunnels on his 1990 Honda XR80 dirt bike, mullet blowing in the wind, with LANE CASH and his girlfriend from the mall on the back. Behind them, the LAPD OFFICER is catching up on his police-issue motorcycle)

AXL ROSE LYRICS: “I’M A COLD HEARTBREAKER, FIT TA BURN, AND I’LL RIP YOUR HEART IN TWO! AN’ I’LL LEEEAAAVVVE YOOOOUUU LYING ON THE BED!”

(Cops pulls right up to the side of Peter and Lane)

LAPD OFFICER: “Pull over!”

PW: (hesitates) “FUCK YOU, MAN!”

LAPD OFFICER: “I am an officer of the LAW and I am ordering you to PULL OVER!”

PW: “YOU’RE A T-1000!”

(The cop pulls throws a side hammerfist at Peter, knocking the trio off their bike!)

PW: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

(CUTTO: Peter up against the wall in handcuffs while the cop reads him his rights. Lane is just standing there with the girl he picked up from the mall)

LAPD OFFICER: “Oh, you’re going to love theview of the ocean from San Quentin, Mr. Windham. It’s going to be BEAUTIFUL, when you see the sun hit that water for the first time from your cell bright and early after spot check!”

PW: “I don’t understand, can’t you let me off with a warning? I swear I was RIGHT about to pay those tickets.”

LAPD OFFICER: “We take scofflaw very seriously in this county. When you don’t pay your tickets, you’re cheating each and every taxpayer out of transportation revenue!”

PW: “Oh come on WHO GIVES A CRAP?”

LAPD OFFICER: (presses night stick against Peter’s neck) “Shut your goddamn mouth!”

(Lane stretches his arm around the neck of the girl from the mall)

CASH: “Welllll I better get a move on. Hit the old dusty trail before sundown. Come on hunny, I’ve got pay-per-view at the hotel. Later Pete!”

PW: “POST MY BAIL YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

LAPD OFFICER: “Excuse me, Mr. Cash...”

(Lane turns around)

CASH: “Hmm?

LAPD OFFICER: “You mind if I ask how old that young lady is?”

(Lane pauses; looks at her; looks back at the officer)

(CUTTO: Peter and Lane in county lockup with a bunch of other guys. Lane is pacing back and forth, while Peter is sitting on a bench next to three conspicuous looking people)

CASH: “This is such bullshit, Pete. I JUST got signed by NFW, and now I’m in JAIL? Thanks, thanks a lot, man!”

PW: “Relax! This happens to me all the time, they usually just dock me a couple thousand.”

CASH: “Well I ain’t YOU, Pete! Every time you fuck up, Eddie seems to like you more. It’s like you have some sort of...retard pixie dust. No matter how low you sink, just sprinkle some all over your trail of bullcrap, and everything’s just fine.”

PW: “And THAT’S the benefit of having me as your tag partner, comrade! There’s enough magical shit dust for the both of us.”

(Hardcore looking Latino dude with an MS-13 tattoo, wearing a wifebeater, walks up to Peter)

MS-13 MEMBER: “You better hold my pocket tight after I bust in that sweet virgin ass tonight, Vato.”

PW: “...”

(Big ass black dude with a Bloods bandana steps forward)

BLOODS MEMBER: “Step off, Manuel, this bitch is property of J-BREEZE. My dick is havin’ a Kwanzaa party inside your asshole TO-NIGHT, son!” (points at Peter)

(Bald white guy with no teeth a swastika tattoo on his chest steps to Peter. He’s an Aryan Brotherhood member)

ARYAN BROTHERHOOD MEMBER: “Nooo fuck the both of you! Me and my white brother here are going to take it back to the Fatherland tonight when I blitzkrieg shit mountain!”

(Peter turns to Lane)

PW: “This is the rapiest county lockup I’ve ever seen. It’s like a bad episode of Oz.”

CASH: “What a way to spend the holidays...”

PW: “Man, this is NOTHING! Christmas was always fucked up in my household.”

CASH: “Ha, same here. ‘Normal’ wasn’t exactly in my family’s vocabulary, especially on December 25th.”

PW: “I’d bet you anything that my Christmases were 10,000 times more fucked up than anything you experienced.”

CASH: “Try me.”

PW: “Alright. You’d better sit down, because this one might take a while…”

(WAVY BLAST FROM THE PAST SEQUENCE!)

(CUTTO: Overhead shot of a Bronx neighborhood apartment building on a snowy day as we’re played in by a instrumental segue rendition of ‘Jingle Bells’)

(ANOTHER BLAST OF STATIC - back to present day promo with PETER WINDHAM, LANE CASH, AND ROYCE RAMSEY)

PW: "That was on it's way to being the most EPIC Christmas Special promo in the history of NFW. Too bad Fiona didn't wanna pay the actors I recruited to play me, my mom, and my stepdad from Christmas '81. Long-story short - I mistook the meth lab my stepdad bought my mom for a chemistry set."

LANE: "Good thing you survived the explosion."

PW: "Yes! Or else I never would have met Troy Windham, got any of my cell-phones paid for, and most importantly, Dirty Money never would have happened. And THEN where would you guys be?!"

LANE: "Over, probably."

PW: "Yeah, well, the mid-card needs people too. That's the lesson that Troy taught me, and the same one I hope to impart on the rest of you."

(Camera closes up on Royce Ramsey, who gives the audience the evil eye)

ROYCE: "ILL FORTUNE...your luck's run out. I'm going to separate your jaws after -"

(Camera pulls back)

PW: "HEY! Did I SAY you could speak?"

ROYCE: "..."

PW: "Do me a favor, Royce. Stand there and look mean, OK? We can't all have speaking parts. This is one good faberge egg reference away from being a bad Calvin Carlton impression. Where was I? The mid-card! Right. As Dirty Money SLASH Deeds learned the hard way, there is only so much funding that NFW will kick towards a mid-card promo."

"Of course, that was before I was handed the NFW COMPANY CREDIT CARD. At this point I'm inclined to visit James Cameron and tell him to go apeshit on-location, 'cause I'll kick in the dough for Avatar 2."

ROYCE: "I-"

PW: "FUCKING SHUT THE FUCK UP, ROYCE! I'M THE COMMISH! I HAVE THE POWER TO SEND YOU BY CARGO PLANE TO YUGOSLAVIA WHERE YOU'LL BE LICKING SLOBODAN'S BALLSACK FOR SPARE CHANGE!"

LANE: "Come on man, is this necessary?"

PW: "I dunno. Lost my train of thought! Let's just switch gears completely and say ILL FORTUNE are a couple of pricks who deserve to be arrested and sentenced to a lifetime of having unprotected sex in the slums of Nigeria. Of course, for Lucky Seven, that would be the equivalent to sending a kid to Disneyland. Hey, was that your Craigslist ad, Laurie? The one that said "20something Alt Ho looking for military gangbang while beta-bitch boyfriend watches and cries tears for lubrication so he can jack his tiny dong". That was you guys, right? I've got a fake VA Hospital benefits card. Does that gain me entrance? AHHHHHHH go fuck yaselves."

LANE: "Man, all this trash-talk coming from a guy who ISN'T EVEN COMPETING! This match is all about DIRTY DEEDS. So you go pissing off Ill Fortune, while me and Royce are left to deal with the consequences. Hey, whatever, we don't mind. Alex Austin, Seven, you guys have NOTHING for us. You think your style is so unique, but it doesn't matter. Not a bit. All that translates to is a UNIQUE BEATDOWN at the hands of dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, DIRTY, DIRTY, DIRTY...go ahead...go ahead..."

ROYCE: "Does that mean I can speak?"

PW: "Yeah, do it up."

ROYCE/LANE: "DEEDS!"

PW: "One thing I don't get. If me and Lane are Dirty Money, and Lane is the 'Money' portion of that, why are Lane and Royce known as 'Dirty Deeds'? I'M Dirty! You guys should be MONEY DEEDS. Now if it was me and Royce, that could be Dirty Deeds."

LANE: "Cause Money Deeds don't make no frickin' sense!"

PW: "Yes it does! Let's say someone leaves you a DEED. Well the DEED could entitle you to money."

LANE: "...NAH, that's ridiculous!"

PW: "Dude, it makes sense!"

LANE: "How the hell does someone being entitled to monetary deeds put fear into tag team wrestlers?"

PW: "Like DIRTY MONEY makes people afraid? 'Oh hey guys, look at us! If you don't wash your hands after handling those shitty looking bills the cashier gives you at 7-11, you might get germs! THAT'S US!'"

LANE: "No idiot, dirty money is like the cash you make for committing crimes."

PW: "Are we committing any FUCKING crimes???"

LANE: "We did on the Christmas Special!"

PW: "That was fake!"

ROYCE: "Why am I DEEDS?"

PW: "I don't know! I didn't think this shit up! I want a new name for us!"

ROYCE: "HELL MACHINE!"

PW: "That happened already."

ROYCE: "When?!"

PW: "Like fifteen fucking years ago!"

ROYCE: "Oh. Were they good?"

PW: "YEAH they were good! They won the titles and shit. One of them still works for the company filling purchase orders or whatever. Think of something else."

LANE: "We can do something that appeals to today. TURNT DOWN FOR WHAT. Chicks love that."

PW: "You and Jack Bryant could form LANE BRYANT. And your gimmick is punching microwaved hot dogs up fat women's fat fucking asses."

LANE: "GET THE FUCK OUT."

ROYCE: "Hey guys, the camera man is waving at me."

PW: "Oh crap! It's still on! SORRY DUDE. YEAH, YOU CAN TURN IT OFF. WE'RE DONE."

(FADEOUT)



 

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