(FADEIN to a large ice-skating rink inside the Galleria Mall located in Houston, Texas. A man wearing a shower cap can be seen skating figure eights and doing cartwheels on the ice. He is wearing a suit jacket with the arms rolled up and a cheap pink Spanish-ruffled tuxedo shirt underneath. Topping this designer original ensemble off is a large black bowtie, complemented by a silver glittery glove on his right hand.
We can only assume that it is the former gopher of Eddie Mayfield and now future contender for the World heavyweight title…Shamon. After he performs a few more tricks for the camera, the badly doctored tape…complete with erratic movement from spectators, shifts position and shows Shamon skating off the camera. He skates back on camera in remarkable speed. The camera zooms in on him as he skates towards it, giggling along the way.
This time it truly is Shamon. The blonde gheri curl flowing from beneath the shower cap appears to be freshly sprayed. There is no way he could have freshened up that quickly after his stunt skating act. M. Harry Smilek, roving investigative journalist, is standing outside the rink with a cameraman.)
SHAMON: (In a squeaky voice.) HI! (Covers his mouth and giggles.) What are the CSWA cameras doing here? (Tries to give a sexy look into the camera and puckers his lips.)
SMILEK: What do you mean? You told me to meet you here at 3 o’clock. I was about to leave until I heard the commotion occurring and saw you performing Triple Lindys for the crowd.
SHAMON: Oh yes, it’s a hobby of mine. (Removes his shower cap and wipes down his brow.) Phew! You can build up quite a sweat out there. (Shamon hands his shower cap to Smilek and twists open a bottle of water.) Wring that out, would you? You’re a doll.
(Smilek takes the shower cap, which is reminiscent of a full wet diaper, and wrings it out. Activator streams down his hands and the look of disgust rushes over his face.)
SMILEK: Argh! What is this!?
SHAMON: Soul Glo never hurt anybody. Your hair looks like it could use a little something. Gel, mousse, activator…it’s all the same.
SMILEK: (Wiping his hands off with a towel.) Thanks for the tip.
SMILEK: So coming up in a few days is the big rematch. The tension has been building for months. The last time you faced Cameron Cruise, you walked out the winner. This time Cruise won’t be taking you lightly, he’s ready to take care of business.
SHAMON: Cammy. Oh little Cammy. Poor guy. I don’t know why on earth he would want to get a second dose of this! I guess he forgot who I am. I guess he needs me to remind him. My name is SHA…SHA….SHA…SHAMON! OWWW! UHHH! ARRRR! HEE! HEE!
(Shamon does a few shoulder shimmies and licks his lips. He takes a seat near Smilek and begins removing his skates.)
SMILEK: Oh, I’m sure he knows exactly who you are. You flat out embarrassed him last time you guys met. No one saw it coming. The upset of the decade.
SHAMON: He’s just lucky I haven’t heard HIM say that, because I know how you reporters are. You like to stir things up. Turn people against each other. Twist words around. You people are just no good.
SMILEK: I am a highly respected journalist and…
SHAMON: Enough Smilek. You mentioned a surprise for me. I love surprises! What is it? A new glitter glove? A year’s supply of Soul Glo? I’m not facing Cruise and I get a World title shot? Come on. Spill it.
SMILEK: Alright. Shamon, are you familiar with the Create A Dream Company? It’s a low budget version of the Make A Wish Foundation. Instead of famous celebrities, they get B movie actors and former child stars to help contribute to the cause. Why just last week, Mayim Bialik helped save the life of a child with tuberculosis. A truly touching story.
SHAMON: Yeah, but didn’t she become a doctor after her number one hit show, Blossom, was cancelled?
SMILEK: Yes, but that’s not the point.
SHAMON: It was Joey Lawrence’s child? Oh my gosh! How crazy is that?
SMILEK: (Smiling to cover his frustration.) Allow me to introduce to you Sarah Beavers, the President of the Create A Dream Company.
(A tall curvatious brunette walks into the interview area and sits down with Smilek and Shamon.)
SMILEK: Well Sarah, I understand you have an announcement?
SARAH: It is my honor to inform everyone within your organization that Shamon has been selected as our special guest celebrity. A young man from Poughkeepsie, New York has a dream and we intend to help him fulfill it.
SHAMON: I have dreams too, except for some reason when I wake up there is KY jelly all over my body and I’m facedown in my pillow.
(Smilek cringes at the statement.)
SARAH: His wish is nothing like that. This little boy’s dream, as hard is it may seem, is to be your manager!
SHAMON: What!? Did I hear you correctly? Did you just say my manager? (His eyes begin to twinkle.) How old is he? Can he spend the night? Maybe we can watch Pee Wee’s Playhouse on DVD and make S’mores. Gee, that would be awesome!
SARAH: Well, you would have to clear that with his parents, but I don’t see a problem with a little innocent fun.
(Shamon begins to sing a tune from his favorite idol, Michael Jackson. Singing out of tune and in an irritating voice.)
SHAMON: I took my baby to the doctor
With a fever, but nothing he found
By the time this hit the street
They said she had a breakdown
Someone's always tryin' to start my baby cryin'
Talkin', squealin', lyin'
Sayin' you just wanna be startin' somethin'
I said you wanna be startin' somethin'
You got to be startin' somethin'
I said you wanna be startin' somethin'
You got to be startin' somethin'
Too high to get over. Yeah y…
SMILEK: Alright, let’s speed this thing up. No need for the Shamon Variety Hour.
SHAMON: Smilek, you cut me off before the “yeah yeahs.” Argh! You are so rude!
SARAH: Now now, calm down Shamon. Would you like to meet the young man that will be accompanying you to ringside? Come on out, Mattie!
(A shy child, that appears to be around the age of 12, enters the area from behind a corner. He runs up to Shamon and gives him a huge hug.)
MATTIE: Shamon! It’s really you! I thought they would get Joey McIntyre or some other member of New Kids On The Block. This is a dream come true! Shamon, I love you!
(The kid squeezes tighter and Shamon returns the hug. The kid releases his hold on him and smiles. He is wearing an enlarged foam finger with a glitter glove on it and a Shamon t-shirt. Mattie Cundiff seems genuinely thrilled to be in the presence of his favorite CSWA star, Shamon.)
SHAMON: Oh Mattie, you are a sweetheart. You are making me blush. Stop embarrassing me.
MATTIE I can’t help it, you are amazing. When I heard you were having a rematch with Cameron Cruise, I wanted to be there firsthand to cheer you on.
SHAMON: Well with you in my corner, there is no way that Cruise even stands a chance, Can I get a ho?
MATTIE: Well I don’t know many available ladies, but I will see if they would go out with you.
SHAMON: No, no, Mattie. I mean a HOOOOOOOOOOOO!
MATTIE: Oh. I think I can. (Clears his throat.) HOOOOOOOOOOO!
SHAMON: Cameraman, get a close-up of us. (Looks into the camera, trying to be intimidating.) Cameron Cruise, at Showtime you may want revenge. You may want to rip me limb from limb, but I’ve got something you don’t have. (Nods his head.) A terminally ill kid in my corner that will do everything in his power to make sure his reason for living, Shamon, can win his match. The deck is stacked against you, Cammy. I honestly doubt you will even show up.
MATTIE: He better show up. He’s just gotta.
SHAMON: Don’t you worry one bit, little guy. If Cruise won’t step up, I am sure someone in the locker room will step up to the plate.
(Mattie nods in approval.)
SHAMON: And Mattie, I am dedicating this match to you, pal!
MATTIE: Oh really? Wow. You are the greatest!
SHAMON: (Giggles.) I know. Because I’m SHA…SHA…SHA…SHAMON! UGH! AHHH! UHHH! OHHH! OWWW! UHHH! WHOOOO! HEEEE! HEEEE!
(Shamon gets out of his seat and does a little dance. He shoulder shimmies, kicks out his leg, and grabs his crotch.)
SHAMON: Who’s bad? Who’s bad? (Looks around and puckers his lips.) I’m bad!
(Shamon walks away from the interview area. Smilek, Sarah, and Mattie watch on as Shamon walks halfway, does a spin move, and then completes the rest of his stroll with a moonwalk.)
(Fadein, Cruise in front of a CSWA backdrop, his hands on his hips, in disagreement.)
CRUISE: Ten years I work my ass off for this company and this is the thanks I get, Thomas?? Ten years after the likes of which Hornet has come an' gone a few times, GUNS reappeared....and then disappeared again, Randalls went nuts but then found Buddha or Allah and is now actually better for it. Randy Harders had a stint. Eddy Love and the rest of the PLR formed and split. GXW/GWE invaded an' skiddaddled. Even fan-boy Mikey Plett took off. I could go on, and on, and on Thomas, but the fact of the matter is this....I've been here through it ALL...
...an' all you have for me is a shot at the Greensboro title....and now I got a match against the Shamon, the same man who's probably the reason why Boogie Nights choked...and a moron henchmen for MAYFIELD OF ALL PEOPLE???
Bad owner...BAD....BAD OWNER
Hell, if I had have the nerve right now, I'd hit you with a rolled up newspaper, but then again....Ryan's got that stunt covered with Beast ANYWAY.
But I digress....if I'm going to give you a reason why I'm owed better, I suppose I should start at the bottom and work up, like a man's supposed to right?? Like I've ALWAYS done right??
So you walking-talking-lawsuit-waiting-to-happen.....you really think you have in ya.
You needed the help of a mindless, self-indulged, muscle-bound IDIOT to beat me in the ring, and I beat him senseless in NFW later on with quite the momentum an' evidence in my favor.
This time you've got a kid in your corner.
Now I'm not a supporter of Child Abuse or anything of the sort by anymeans....well..forget that reasoning, let's try another.
You a fan of Baseball, slick??
You ever see the Two-thousand an' Two World Series?? When the Giants were winnin' an' Dusty Baker's lil' tyke innocently tried to run up to the plate as the honorary Batboy in the middle of action an' almost got hit by J.T. Snow??
Perhaps ya did, an' perhaps you didn't, fact is you were probably off in some nightclub singin' "P.Y.T" at the time anyway, but the point is this:
Bringin' a child as support is not only bad luck....but seeing it's you that the child's supporting....only heightens things up to say.....cursed for life??
But I'll let you back to watching "Blossom", "Fraggle Rock" and whatever else a sick-looking punkass like you does, away from the ring.
Because either way....you've got yourself a well-awaited REALITY CHECK coming, whether you like it or not.
But yeah Shamon....I'm Bad.....
Bad to the Bone.
(Cruise turns to leave but before he does, stamps a note on the lens of the camera that barely makes out words related to those seen on the bottom of commercials, which give out proper rights an' privilages and everything else thats owed, etc.)
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