Re: Humping the Empire into submission, one team at a time!
(CUEUP:
"Breaking The Chains" by Dokken)
(FADEIN: THE DREAMSTEALERS - BOBBY STEPTOE and THE SATURDAY NIGHT KID - stand in front of a BIG 3D SILVER FONT Dreamstealers logo, complete with crossing neon lights. Steptoe brushes away the feathered brunette hair from his eyes and blinks a few times with those big mascara'd eyelashes. Saturday stands next to him wearing a tiger-striped bandana and a guitar strap around the front of his body. Between them both is JIMMY MYLDE, with slicked back receding hair, colored black with some gray streaks courtesy of JUST FOR MEN, wearing an off-white sports coat over a black t-shirt tucked into jeans, and eyes hidden by Aviator sunglasses)
MYLDE: "They've made up their minds...THEY'RE TRAINING
THIS TIME...and here they go again! The Dreamstealers, back for more, FINALLY off-tour, wheezing the cunny juice like Pauley Shore...STOP WHEN I GET TOO HOT FOR 'EM, BOYS!"
STEPTOE: "You're golden, Jimmy, you're golden..."
MYLDE: "No, YOU'RE GOLDEN Bobby Steptoe, and don't you forget it! It's time to rock and roll all over the (finger quotes)...
World's Longest Tag Team...whomp whomp whommmmp. Catchy name for a couple of walking dick jokes who make a living off calling other people fags. I bet the banana hammock goes over swell with the closeted Bud Light truck drivers at the park and ride off Exit 68, eh Rich? Nothing eases the overnight delivery route from Maine to Jersey like a slice of royal ham off the backside of Pete Whealdon. Hey, they don't call him 'Suite' for nothin'!"
"Hey, let's get down to business dweebs! What you're looking at is the FUTURE of the EPW tag team division! And when I say FUTURE, I mean that you could shake one of them magic 8-balls and it would show you the final bracket! King of the Cage FINALS - THE DREAMSTEALERS versus...I dunno, Impulse or some shit. You think I looked at the teams? For all I know, King Henry and his five sons are in the bracket. IT DOESN'T MATTER. We'll take on anybody, anywhere, and if that means we have to fight the NAUSEATING DRAGONS for real this time, then that's what we have to do."
"Now you might be asking me right now: 'Jimmy, your insurance company went down six months ago, your sports supplement business flopped, and three of your pizza chains just closed down. What makes you think The Dreamstealers will fare any better?' But that was different, baby! The market was bad, some investors fell through, a partner scammed me here and there. These boys, their music, and their wrestling career, it's all cream off the top baby! WE CAN'T MISS!"
"Hey, show 'em the letter! Tell 'em what it's all about!"
(The Saturday Night Kid takes out a hand-written fan letter, and a pair of pink panties)
SATURDAY: "That's right, the girls are already anticipating our EPW re-debut. This young fan just mailed us a pair of her worn panties and boy... (takes a hard sniff) do they smell GOOD! They smell like victory, in fact. Here, let me read it to you..."
"Dear Dreamstealers,
You both make me so wet. Recently, I bleached my anus in honor of how sexy-rough it's gonna be when you tear apart that little tag team division in EPW. Mmm, here's a pair of my panties. But don't tell mom...SHHH!
Sincerely,-"
(Saturday's eyes bulge and he steps back in horror, immediately dropping the panties)
SATURDAY: "Oh no..."
MYLDE: "What is it, baby?"
SATURDAY: "I THOUGHT YOU SAID SHE WAS LEGAL!"
MYLDE: "She IS legal, baby! She's good to go!"
(Saturday shields his eyes in disgust)
MYLDE: "Why what's the matter, how old does..."
SATURDAY: "SHE'S FUCKING FOURTEEN JIMMY!"
MYLDE: "Whoa, that young? Sorry Kid, I must have read the age upside down!"
STEPTOE: "What kind of age would that be? 1h...that doesn't even make sense."
MYLDE: "Hey, I thought it was ancient hieroglyphics for 18! I'M SORRY, BABY! Back in the 70's, you didn't put Ajax in your butthole unless it was to cover up evidence. But let's get back to the task at hand here..."
"Mahogany, Suite Pete, the way I see it, you're a couple of careers on the downswing, combining your mediocrity to form a slightly less crappy unit, but you know what I think? Stacking shit on top of shit doesn't make the shit any less shitty...take that to the knowledge bank and deposit immediately!"
"You're not the newest, hottest, best young tag team on the face of the planet. NO ONE IS, except these guys! (points with thumbs at The Dreamstealers) And when we meet up with you two dopes at the tournament, it's gonna be the GLAMROCKERS versus the HAMHOCKERS, and I know where my money's going! Tell 'em Bobby Steps!"
STEPTOE: "King of the Cage...heh, fitting name for people who wish...to be Kings of the Cage. But that's what we are. Kings of the Cage. We're already...(counts off fingers) Kings of rock and roll. Already...Kings of your girlfriend's dreams. But really, what we are...is...we're the Kings of tag team wrestling. And that's...what we're the kings of...Rich Mahogany and Pete Suite- I mean, Suite Pete Whealdon."
(Puts hand to forehead and turns away from the camera, muttering "
Fuck!")
MYLDE: "Couldn't have said it better myself, Bobby! And the day I lead you out of that locker room to lose to the World's Longest Running Dick Joke is the day I remove myself from handling your careers! But Uncle Jimmy never steered you wrong. Under my watch, you've had an album that went Top 25 on the Belarus heat-seekers chart, finished a WORLD TOUR of Scandinavia, and now you're here IN THE BIG TIME! Already with one title shot under your belts, now primed to take the wrestling world BY STORM when you win this damn King of the Cage business! Now am I looking out for you, or am I looking out for you?"
(The Saturday Night Kid steps forward)
SATURDAY: "First off, I'd like to thank Jimmy Mylde for making this all possible. Thank you Jimmy."
MYLDE: "You're welcome, Kid."
SATURDAY: "Next, I have a message for The World's Longest Tag Team. I want to make sure you're absolutely ready, to make us look good. Because years down the road, when they look back at this tournament as the launching pad for the careers of the GREATEST tag team of ALL TIME, they're gonna say, 'It started with a big win over Mahogany and Whealdon.' So get ready to be famous, guys. A footnote to The Dreamstealers legacy is more shine than most of these bums could ever hope to see in their entire careers. Set the camera to flash when I do my thing, because if you're not careful (winks)...you just might miss me."
MYLDE: "Backstage passes now available at JimmyMyldesDreamStealers.com!"
(FADEOUT)