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A Very Monstrous Christmas


League Member
Jan 1, 2000
Niagara, ON, Canada
(FADEIN: A mall somewhere - a fairly fancy mall at that. A large stage has been set up and decorated with Christmasey stuff, including cheap plastic reindeer and huge plastic candy-canes. The centerpiece is a big red chair, occupied by the red-suited, white-bearded bulk of SANTA CLAUS. ELF #1 sits next to him, idly toying with a candy-cane, while a line of kids stands before the chair.)

Elf #1: Next!

(LITTLE JOEY eagerly dashes up and sits on SANTA's knee.)

Santa: Ho-ho-ho! And what would you like for Christmas, little boy?

Little Joey: I wan' a Bob da' Builder twuck, and I wan' a colowing book!

Santa: Ho-ho! That's great, little boy! Here's a candy cane! Now smile for the camera!

(LITTLE JOEY and SANTA both smile as ELF #2 snaps their picture with a camera.)

Santa: Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

(A giggling LITTLE JOEY runs off.)

Elf #1: Next!

(LITTLE SUZIE steps up and sits down on SANTA's knee.)

Santa: Ho-ho-ho! And what would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Little Suzie: I want a Malibu Barbie doll and a new dress!

Santa: Ho-ho! That's great, little girl! Here's a candy cane! Now smile!

(LITTLE SUZIE and SANTA grin as ELF #2 snaps their picture.)

Santa: Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

(Tittering happily, LITTLE SUZIE runs off.)

Elf #1: Next!

(BUFF BELLOWS and FAT FARRELL step up to the chair, each man resting an elbow on SANTA's shoulder.)

Buff Bellows: 'Sup, Santa?

Santa: Uh... ho-ho-ho! What do you two little... Uh, you two boys want for Christmas?

Buff Bellows: Tell ya what, St. Nick. Here's what we want. We wanna ask ya for our own gifts, but also request a gift for a couple pals of ours.

Fat Farrell: Yeah, man! Like, we gots ta spread da Chriss-mas cheer, yo!

Santa: Well, I think I can do that! Go ahead!

Buff Bellows: First off, what we want. We want a couple a' kegs of beer, a fast car... oh, an' we want these two guys we know ta stop cluckin' an' put up their dukes.

Fat Farrell: But mos' importantly of all, man...

Buff Bellows: ...We want the Global X-Treme Wrestling Unified Tag-Team Championship of the World. AGAIN.

Santa: Well, uh, I-

Buff Bellows: Aw, come on now, Santy. Now listen ta what we want ya ta send our pals!

Santa: Well, alright-

Buff Bellows: To our good pals, Kevin Powers an' Gabriel Poe, I want ya ta stuff their stockings with the following.

Fat Farrell: Balls...

Buff Bellows: Spines...

Fat Farrell: Throw minds in there fo' good measure...

Buff Bellows: An' leave a couple big loads a' coal in there too, just ta let 'em know ya care.

Fat Farrell: Oh, an' a rubber duckie.

Santa: ...A rubber duckie?

Fat Farrell: Yeah, man. They wanna keep duckin' us, so we wants you ta duck THEM. Ya hear me, G?

Santa: Erhm... I, uh, I'm not sure if I can do that, boys. I deliver toys, not wrestling titles-

Buff Bellows: Aw, what kinda Santy Claus are you? Here, gimme that hat. I'm gonna be Santy Claus now.

(BUFF promptly swipes SANTA's hat and rests it atop his own head.)

Santa: What-

Buff Bellows: Heyyyyyyyyy, kiiiiiiiiiiids! How many a' you squirts wanna see the Monsta Boyz beat the ever-lovin' stuffin' outta the Dark Carnival an' take back the Tag-Team Titles, ah?

(Most of the kids start screaming and cheering - except for the kids who don't watch wrestling and have no idea what the hell is going on.)

Buff Bellows: You want it? Well, squirts, yer gonna get it. Maybe not in time fer Christmas, but trust us, we're gonna take out Big Kev an' Little Gabe and roast those two chickens on a spit an' serve 'em up for dinner!

(More cheers from the squirts.)

Buff Bellows: (with the kids yelling it in tandem) AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LIIIIIIIIIINE... SO YOU'D BETTA BELIEEEEEEEEEEEEVE IT!!! (/end kid yelling-in-tandem) MERRY CHRISTMAS, YO!!! HAPPY KWANZA!!!

(With that, BUFF and FAT turn to leave the stage. FAT pauses, however, to scoop out a handful of candy canes from ELF #1's bag. As the Boyz depart, SANTA reaches up and pats his head.)

Santa: Hey! He took my hat! That thing was a rental...


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