DT: We’re back and quite honestly I don’t know what to make of that exchange between Dan Ryan and Paul Freeman. The Motor City Maniacs are a huge signing, but Hornet in Empire Pro?? DM: Talk about a coup. Freeman may have saved his job if this one’s legit.
MN: Bah! Hornet’s old as dirt. Haven’t we filled our quota with Melton?
DT: We’ll have to wait and see what comes of it, but right now we’re gonna go up to ring as Sebastian Dodd defends his Intercontinental Title against Cameron Cruise!!
TF: This match is for one fall and is for the EPW Intercontinental Championship!! Introducing first….
(Cue up: “Headstrong” by Trapt.)
TF: Weighing in at two hundred forty-nine pounds, from Jacksonville, North Carolina….one half of the Cameron Cruise Project…..CAMMMERRROOOOOONNN CRUUUUUUUUISSEE!!!!!!
(Cruise steps out onto the stage to a loud face reaction from the Memphis crowd. Cam slaps hands with a few fans on his way down but otherwise keeps his focus squarely on the ring until he reaches the apron, where he rolls in under the bottom rope and kneels mid-ring – pyro erupting behind him.)
DT: Cameron Cruise is in top form tonight as he takes his shot at singles gold, and I’ve gotta wonder why Sebastian Dodd has been so quiet as of late.
DM: It’s no secret around the sport that Dodd has had some difficulties in his personal life as of late, but I expect a strong champion here tonight.
(Cue up: “Stellar” by Incubus)
TF: Introducing, from New York New York...he stands 6 feet, 2 inches tall and weighs in at two hundred forty-five pounds and is the EPW Intercontinental Champion….. this is "Your Hero" Sebastian Dodd!
Meet me in outer space
WE could spend the night
Watch the earth come up
(Dodd stands confidently at the top of the stage surveying the crowd, he extends his hand to wave to the crowd in a manner which is, clearly pandering at a group he has great disdain for as Stellar continues to play.)
I've grown tired of that place
Won't you come with me?
WE could start again
(Dodd walks down the aisle with a stride that is more arrogant than confident, appearing to slap hands with fans, then pulling away in disgust.)
How do you do it?
Make me feel like I do
How do you do it?
It's better than I ever knew
(Dodd tests the ropes, and goes to a neutral corner ready for the match.)
(SFX: Bell rings)
DT: And this one is underway!! Dodd and Cruise are circling each other and tease a lockup, but Dodd steps back and leans into the ropes…
MN: He just wants a few more seconds to loosen up. Nothin’ wrong with that.
DT: Dodd comes back into the center of the ring and now we have the locku….well, no Dodd ducks away again and pulls on the ropes. For cryin’ out loud!
MN: Would you begrudge a man his warm-ups? He could get a cramp!
DM: Mind games 101 from the champ here, fellas.
DT: Dodd back to the center of the ring and this time Cruise wastes no time!! Right to the head! Another! Whip to the ropes and a clothesline sends Dodd to the mat and rolling out of the ring to collect himself!
MN: Cameron Cruise is an obvious cheat, attacking a man during warm-ups? Where’s the sanctity?
DT: Dodd strolling around the ringpost on the outside, but he’s met by Cameron Cruise coming over the top rope with a plancha!! Both men down, but Sebastian Dodd obviously got the worst of that exchange!
DM: Nice aerial work from the challenger early on. It’s gonna take some risks like that connecting for Cruise to take the strap.
DT: Cruise back to his feet and he pulls Dodd up and rolls him into the ring. Cruise up on the apron and he’s going up top!
DM: I know I said to take some risks, but this might be a bit early for this!
DT: Cruise on the top rope and Sebastian Dodd is up! Cruise leaps off and drills him with a missile dropkick!! The Intercontinental champ goes flying!!
MN: Cam would so be my hero if he wasn’t such a fag.
DT: Dodd pulling himself up by the ropes, but Cruise is right there! Right to the head! Left! Right! Dodd slumping against the ropes! Cruise takes a few steps back…charging in and nobody home!! Dodd leaps up to the top turnbuckle! Sunset flip!!
ONE!!
TWO!!
NO!! Cruise slips out! Dodd now on the attack!! Boot to the midsection! DDT!! Another cover!
ONE!
NO!! Cruise kicks out with force this time!!
DM: The tide has turned rather forcefully all of a sudden. Dodd is not one to be taken lightly.
DT: Dodd helps Cruise to his feet…whip to the ropes….Dodd drops to a chest first position on the mat, Cruise leaps over and hits the other side…Dodd up…HUGE SIDEWALK SLAM!! Dodd with a elbow across the chest! Another!
MN: Yeah!! Punish him!!
DT: Dodd back up and he goes to the ropes…legdrop across the throat!!
MN: WHATCHA GONNA DO?!
DT: Here’s a cover!!
ONE!!
TWO!!
TH….NO!!! Cruise slips out just in time!!
DM: Quite the barrage of offense from Dodd! He’s a man on fire right now!
DT: Dodd roughly pulls Cruise to his feet! Snap suplex!! Another cover!
ONE!
TWO!!
A kickout this time!!
DM: There’s not shortness of fight in Cameron Cruise, I can tell you that much!
DT: Dodd back up and….hold on a second…what’s this???
(Someone in a dark black mask jumps over the railing and crouches down by the ring.)
DT: There’s someone here at ringside, but who is it??
DM: Not a big guy…
MN: Enough with the damn masked men already!!
DT: Dodd pulling Cruise to his feet again…..setting him up for a German Suplex but Cruise hooks the leg!! Again! Cruise slips around and shoves Dodd away….Dodd turns around right into a superkick from Cameron Cruise!!
DM: He just about took the champion’s head off!
DT: Cruise back up!! Dodd slowly coming to his feet! Cruise grabs Dodd by the back of his head and shoves him into the ropes!! Cruise off the opposite ropes, leaps up and springs off with a cross body….NO!! Dodd caught him! He caught him! Dodd struggling….Cruise shifting his bodyweight and BRINGS DODD DOWN HARD WITH THAT HIGH IMPACT DDT!!!! KIP UP!! THE CROWD IS GOING NUTS!!!
MN: Oh you’ve gotta be kidding me!!!!
DM: The kid’s on fire!!
DT: Cruise pulls Dodd up, he’s got him hooked!! Could we see the Shipwreck!! He’s got Dodd up on his shoulder….WAIT A SECOND!!
(Boos)
DT: That man in the black mask just pulled on Dodd’s legs and dropped him out of position!! Cruise turning around confused….
MN: No, that’s his normal face….
DT: He sees the guy in the mask and the masked man just darts off into the crowd!! Cruise is furious!!
DM: He better pay attention to…
DT: Dodd from behind with a double axehandle and Cruise goes down!
DM: Too late.
DT: Dodd stomping away at Cruise! Cruise trying to fight back! Legsweep by the challenger!! Both men down!! Cruise is up by the ropes….he charges in with a dropkick…NO!! Dodd catches the legs and turns him down into a Boston Crab!!! Cruise shifting his body and reverses it…CRUISE CONTROL!! CRUISE CONTROL!!! He’s got it locked in!!
MN: NO!!
DM: This could be it, but they’re awfully close to the ropes!!
DT: Cruise pulling hard on the neck of Sebastian Dodd but Dodd is just inches from that bottom rope aaaannnd….yes!…he grabs it and the referee calls for the break!!
MN: Whew….
DT: Cruise back up and over to Dodd….trying to drag the champion back out to the middle of the ring….Dodd swings his leg around and catches Cruise flush in the face!! Cruise down….Dodd stepping over….he’s got the Heroe’s End locked in….NO!! Cruise shoves with all his strength…Dodd stumbles off…Cruise to a knee……Dodd comes in…CRUISE UP….SHIPWRECK!! SHIPWRECK OUT OF NOWHERE!!!!
MN: STOP THE MATCH!! STOP THE MATCH!!!
DT: Here’s the cover!!
ONE!!
TWO!!
THREE!! WE HAVE A NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION!!!!!
MN: GODDAMMIT!!
DT & DM: FAMILY SHOW!!
TF: The winner of this match….and NEEEEWWWW EPW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION….CAAAAMMMMERROOOOOON CRUUUUUUUUISSSEE!!!!!
(Cruise stumbles to his feet as he’s handed his newly won belt and smiles broadly, shooting his hand into the air as the crowd cheers wildly.)
DM: I gotta say, Cruise put on a pretty impressive show tonight guys. He’s on his way to breaking back into the singles scene pretty forcefully.
DT: You’ve gotta wonder how Joey Melton feels about this right about now.
MN: Ungrateful little bastard.
DT: Tsk Tsk, Mike. Speaking of Melton I’m being told we’ve got something going on backstage….let’s get to that now…
The Unifier, Joey Melton, one of Carnival’s biggest attractions, and a Saint in poverty stricken corners of Beverly Hills, lazily skates into a back hallway of the Memphis Center. Two-thirds of the former EPW Tag Team Champions throws his head back and downs the last of a Veggie shake painstakingly conceived before the show by a black market juicer Melton smuggled in from Malta on the last leg of his May Carnival run. You can’t get the good shit in America. Never.
It was a great cruise for the former sexual All-American. He took ten of twelve matches from Adrian Evans, and old CSWA vet Safari Sakan—now a life insurance claims adjuster in Bolivia. It’s a hard life. One minute you’re jobbing for Mark Windham in a program back in the early 90s, today you’re squeezing the best deal from a militant with suicidal tendencies. Sakan was bored with his job, three wives, and beachside hut. Who wouldn’t be really? Owed thousands by Melton in gambling debts, Safari made the call, and booked the cruise to see the world for the first time. Sure, Sakan’s traveled, but when you’re on your back five nights a week it lessens the experience—unless you’re Mae West, or another of Troy Windham’s whores. The former CSWA US Champion was free to love the Earth as much as he could.
Sakan clearly rusty and weighed down by the expectations of his twelve kids in attendance was barely more than a stiff board for Joey to mold into an entertaining shape for the drunken masses. Melton gracious in victory, helped carry Safari to the medical wing after ripping the vet’s ACL in an extended figure four. Melton never heard Adrian’s calls to release. Truth be told, greatness is all touch and feel. Knowing when to kill a Christian in the Coliseum, or let them survive to avenge in season two.
It was a fabulous cruise. Ten out of twelve to reclaim the World Junior title, and while he iced his knees before pulling into port, Melton watched a swarm of whales beach themselves for no apparent reason. If there’s a better life, he can’t fathom it.
But, Troy’s magically spry sailor is landlocked in Tennessee. The fruits of the juicer all Melton has as a reminder that for two weeks out of every ther month he’s a God to those who pay him to sail. He tosses the smoking glass into a trash bin, but stops cold before completely turning to leave.
“What have we here…”
Joey fishes into the bin pulling out a black mask a second later. He dusts it off, cracking it in the air before fitting it over his immaculate face.
“Lindsay’s just perverted enough to be down with this…”
“You son of a!” Cameron Cruise, his newly won IC belt fastened around his waist, charges at Melton, forcefully backing him up against the cement wall. “I oughta beat your ass...”
Cruise disgustedly yanks off the mask, and revels back from disappointment as his heart breaks. Joey Melton: Betrayer?
“Joey? You ass.”
“I thought we agreed no name calling on the flight in from Phoenix. Gimme that back, that might be the last weapon I have to melt Troy’s black heart.”
“What was that about tonight?”
“What was what about?”
“The mask, Melton! You tried to screw me!”
“You and I both know if I wanted to do that, I could have by now.”
“Eff off Melton!” Cruise decks Melton with a right hand. The new IC champion shaking from head to toe as he watches Joey’s body slide down the wall. “You’re a bastard.”
Melton jumps back to his feet and shoves Cruise back, cocking his right hand, but thinking twice about pulling the trigger. “Are you stoned, Cruise?”
“You’re a jealous bastard! You can’t stand it, can you? To see me win on my own.”
“I must be blind, because I haven’t seen it yet.”
Cameron throws another wild haymaker that just misses Melton. “Come on! Right now. I’ve put up with your shit for a year. It ends now!”
“What’d I do?!”
“You ran in! You know you ran in tonight. I just caught your dumb ass red handed.”
“You think that was me? Cruise…why would I run in on an IC title match? Your match!”
“You know I don’t need you anymore. And it makes you look even sadder than you.”
“You don’t need me? CRUISE, I CREATED YOU! I’M YOUR MAKER! BOW BEFORE ME!”
Cameron tackles Joey, wrestling him to the floor. Kin Hiroshi innocently stumbles onto the scene, and rushes to break the Project up before any more children cry, and the damage done to the team is irreversible.
“Peace! We must have peace!”
“Go f[bleep]ing bake some muffins, and leave Joey to me.”
“That’s not peace!”
“No, Kin, it’s not! You see what I have to deal with! The man’s as temperamental as a woman!”
“You’re the pussy, Melton. If you had a problem with me, be man enough to come to my face.”
“I expect a little more sense, and sanity from the chump who’s been carried on my back for the better part of twelve months!”
“Carried? You came begging to me, because nobody else would give you the time of day! And I see why! You’re a backstabbing little bitch, Melton. I’ve sat back, and said nothing as you controlled the spotlight. Because I once had respect for you. I played my part because we were making money hand over fist. I just never had the heart to tell you, it could’ve been anybody else.”
Melton jabs at Cruise again.
“You’re right. I could’ve taken Kin’s momma to the tag titles in this hell hole, and probably, with the sexual tension thrown in, grossed twice as more.”
“Momma Hiroshi does love you…”
“All I’ve heard recently is how the case against Allison went your way. How you’re stinking rich again. Why don’t you put your money, and legacy where your mouth is. Next show you and I one on one.”
“Cammy, you want me, in the squared circle? Now I know you’re toasted.”
“We’ll see who carries their weight. Two matches. Same partner. Kin. Yeah. Kin, you and I against a team of Ryan’s choosing, and Kin and Melton against another team. With judges to vote on who looked more spectacular.”
“Kin likes.”
“Cruise, winning has gone to your fat head. But you’re on. Hiroshi, next week you get the moment of a lifetime. You get to walk in the ring, and be bathed in Joey Melton’s immortal glory.”
Melton slaps Kin on his muffins as he storms off.
“Trust me,” Cruise says to Hiroshi as he begins in the opposite direction, “it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.”
Cruise hands Hiroshi the mask, and retreats. Slowly, Kin tries on the mask, and smiles.
It’s a perfect fit.
(CUT TO: Announce booth)
DM: Looks like Kin’s up to his old tricks!!
DT: Apparently some cracks are forming amongst the Cameron Cruise Project, but nonetheless we have a new Intercontinental Champion and not only that…a hell of a match coming up between Steve Savoy and the man we just saw on the big screen, Joey Melton.
MN: Two sex machines in effect!
DT: Let’s go up to the ring….
TF: This match is scheduled for one fall!
(Cue up “Watching the Wheels.” Steve Savoy enters, flanked by Ron Artest and Ricky Williams. Crowd boos lustily.)
TF: Introducing first, from Orlando, Florida, he is accompanied by his associates in D.A.M.N., weighing in at 226 pounds… he is the Phenom… STEEEEEVE SAVOOOYYYY!
DT: Well, it looks like The Phenom has been revived from his frying pan-induced stupor.
MN: JA is a dirty rotten scoundrel! He should be kicked out of Empire Pro for that attack!
DM: Yeah, because that’s totally worse than kidnapping.
MN: That wasn’t kidnapping, that was consensual!
DM: Oh brother…
TF: And his opponent…
(Cue up “I Need a Hero.” Out comes Joey Melton to a HUGE pop.)
DT: Listen to that ovation for the first superstar in our circuit!
TF: …weighing in at 210 pounds, he is the first ever See-Ess-Dubya-Aye Champion, the baby daddy of the Empire Pro Champion, from New York City, the Sexual All-American… JOOOOOOEY MELLLLLLTON!
MN: I’m so jealous. I want to be Lindsay Troy’s baby’s daddy!
DM: I think that gravy train left the station a long time ago. Just ask Beast.
MN: No thanks. The less I have to talk to Big Loafy, the better.
DT: Melton is getting a hero’s welcome here in Memphis, Tennessee! He gets to the ring and Savoy is just looking annoyed at this welcome Melton’s getting.
MN: I would too if some dinosaur was getting cheered before me.
(DING DING DING!)
DT: Melton’s in the ring and… he unloads right away on The Phenom! Right hand, right hand, right hand, Savoy is stumbling back into the corner!
MN: Closed fist! Closed fist!
DM: Get over it, Neels.
DT: Melton’s winding up and… HORNET SPLASH! Taking a page out of one of his oldest rivals! The Phenom stumbles out of the corner and this crowd has gone bonkers!
MN: Stop the match! That move is banned in Memphis!
DM: Oh just shove it, Neels.
DT: Melton comes in with a driving fist to the back of Savoy’s head! Melton up, another driving fist, up and another! This crowd is electric!
MN: Throw some rubber on them, I don’t wanna get shocked.
DM: You’re lucky this isn’t a Dodd match, or else you would have gotten zapped plenty of times by now, you blaspheming blackguard.
DT: Melton’s got Savoy up now… snap suplex, Melton down for a cover with the quickness…
…one…
…two…
…Savoy kicks out.
MN: I would hope Ron Artest gets involved soon. This Melton needs to be stopped.
DT: Well, the way he’s come out of the gates here, the entire Indiana Pacers team could be here and not be able to stop him. Melton grabs Savoy by his head and whips him into the corner. Melton follows in.
DM: I smell BIG TROUBLE in Little Penis Land for Stevie Savoy here.
MN: You stop with the small wang talk!
DM: Okay, only after you hop off Savoy’s small junk.
MN: Argh!
DT: Melton perches Savoy on the top rope, he climbs up… SUPERPLEX! Melton crawls up, slowly, he’s covering Savoy…
…one…
…two…
…th… NO! NO! Savoy kicked out!
MN: He IS the man!
DM: Well, that was a hell of a bump to take, but he still needs to capitalize on it.
DT: Melton up slowly, he’s up, he’s got Savoy up, another vertical suplex set up… SLINGSHOT SUPLEX! I think Melton’s going to go for the figure four here!
MN: NO!
DM: Oh shove it, this crowd is about to explode!
DT: Melton bends down… NO! NO! NO! Savoy counters with a small package…
DM: Heh heh, small package…
MN: SHUT UP!
DT: One…
…two…
…Melton kicks out!
DM: That was almost a flash pin if I ever saw one.
DT: And now Melton is up, Savoy slower, Melton’s going to… NO! The Phenom with a punch to the gut, Savoy up beside him and side Russian leg sweep! Savoy rolls over, gasping for a breather.
DM: Well, he’s turned the tides, but can he get the advantage, much like you get when you sign up for a rewards credit card from Capital One?
MN: sigh…
DT: Savoy and Melton both up, and Savoy QUICKLY nails Melton with a DDT. He covers…
…one…
…two…
…but Melton kicks out.
MN: The Phenom is back in business!
DT: That he is, Savoy up, and now, he’s got Melton up. Irish whip into the corner, Melton lands hard. Savoy over to the corner, climbs up over Melton and raises his fist!
DM: Oh they don’t approve of this!
DT: Savoy in with one right, two… and the crowd is refusing to count!
MN: If they won’t, I will! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine… ten!
DM: Shameless, Neels.
MN: You’re one to talk.
DM: Yeah, but at least I’m getting paid for my shamelessness.
DT: Savoy dismounts, Melton plops to the canvas. Savoy gets him up and… MANHATTAN DROP! Cover…
…one…
…two…
…thr… NO! Melton kicks out!
DM: This crowd is getting behind the Unifier!
MN: Well, the ladies in the crowd at least had better hope he doesn’t get behind them.
DM: Oh Neels, how inappropriate.
DT: Savoy up, and… wait a second, there’s a rustling in the crowd… it’s JA! He’s in the front section right behind Savoy, but The Phenom doesn’t see him! He’s got Melton up and… oh, listen to the chant from the crowd!
CROWD: HUNG LIKE A MOUSE! (Clap clap clapclapclap) HUNG LIKE A MOUSE! (Clap clap clapclapclap)
MN: Shut them up!
DM: Haha, I love it!
DT: Savoy’s distracted! He’s livid, trying to find out who’s leading that chant… Williams and Artest see JA! They’re going over to him… and MELTON ROLLS UP SAVOY…
…one…
…two…
…THREE!
(DING DING DING!)
TF: Here’s your winner by pinfall… JOOOOEY MELLLLLLLTON!!!
DT: Artest and Williams are rushing over to the stands, Savoy’s up and he’s livid… wait a second, JA hops up on the guardrail and PLANCHA ON BOTH RON ARTEST AND RICKY WILLIAMS! JA just wiped out two-thirds of D.A.M.N. right there with one move! JA’s about to get up but…
(CRACK!)
MN: YES! Take that you masked freak!
DT: Oh my Lord! Savoy just cracked JA across the head with that steel chair! And he’s continuing to lay into him! Crack after crack… oh my God, someone stop him! And now Artest and Williams are up, and they’re stomping on him… oh good! Here comes Bill Laimbeer!
DM: This may be too little too late and too outnumbered.
DT: Laimbeer rushes in and… ARTEST LAYS HIM OUT WITH A CLOTHESLINE! And now Savoy cracks the Original Bad Boy over the head with the chair before coming back to JA… here come the roving band of refs and security… finally, they pull Savoy off of JA… oh my…
MN: Sweet revenge! Haha, I love it.
DM: Neels, you sick freak, JA did not deserve that.
MN: Yes he did, for humiliating Steve Savoy, The Phenom, he did.
DM: Dumbass, did you not see what Savoy did to JA last week? This is just horrible.
DT: Well, while the security team takes Savoy backstage and the EMTs check on JA’s condition, we’ll pause for commercial break. If we get any word on JA’s condition, then we’ll pass it along to you.
(Cue up a commercial for Skeevy-nail Brand Toenail Clippers)