DT: Welcome back to Aggression everyone, and...

(Cue up "Eat the Rich." Enter JA and Lollipop.)

MN: What the hell? I thought he was off for the show? Man, I was just looking forward to not seeing his face.

DM: You don’t see his face, Neels. He’s always wearing a lucha mask.

MN: You know what I meant.

DT: Guys, guys, settle down.

(JA hops on the apron and holds the ropes open for Lollipop. Lolli enters, and JA follows. JA calls for a mic and Tony Fatora hands one to him.)

DT: I’m interested in seeing what he has to say.

MN: Maybe he’ll reveal that Lollipop was pleased by a real man when she was in Savoy’s captivity.

DM: Somehow, I highly doubt that or else she wouldn’t have gone back to JA.

DT: Well, this is wrestling guys, you know goofy things like that happen all the time.

MN: Fourth wall, Dave. What’d I tell you about the fourth wall??

DT: What’s that?

DM and MN: sigh

(JA taps on the microphone and puts it to his mouth.)

JA: Good evening everyone.

(Pop.)

JA: As you can see, I’m not in the highest of spirits right now, and that is because I’m still in shock of what that bottom-feeding, no goodnik, transvestite hooker who may or may not have the gum disease known as gingivitis did to my girlfriend here.

MN: Yeah, he should be in poor spirits after being shown up in the bedroom.

DM: Hush you bottom-feeding, no goodnik transvestite hooker who may or may not have the gum disease known as gingivitis.

MN: Stop stealing material from lame people!

JA: But, since I wasn’t there, and since my Lollipop is a very strong young woman, I’m going to let her tell the whole world what happened.

(JA hands the microphone off to Lollipop.)

LOLLIPOP: Like, thanks babe.

(Clears throat)

(Cue up "Watching the Wheels," and enter Ron Artest with a microphone in hand.)

MN: Oh yeah! This ought to be good!

RA: Hey, hey, hey, cut the bullshizzle and let me shed some light on the truth that happened in that hotel room. Cuz a picture is worth a thousand words!

(Right as Artest is about to turn around to the Empire-Tron, Savoy rushes out from the back and snatches the mic from Artest.)

MN: Here comes the man of the hour, the pimp of the year!

SAVOY: Yo dawg, I don’t think these folks need to be peepin’ this tape you made here.

RA: Yeah they do! You’se a pimp, dawg, I gotsta show ‘em.

SAVOY: Dude, did you even watch it?

RA: Nah, man, I just set the camera up and I was out like trout, dawg.

SAVOY: Then you can just take my word for it that I was a mutha-funkin’ PEE-EYE-EM-PEE.

RA: Nah dawg, it’s gotta be better on tape, yo dub, roll that footage!

(The Empire-Tron rolls some grainy footage of Savoy sitting on a hotel bed with Lollipop standing in front of him with a weird look on her face.)

SAVOY on video: Alright baby, it’s time for you to ride a real snake…

(Savoy unzips his pants. Lollipop’s weird look grows weirder before she shirks back and shrieks.)

LOLLIPOP on video: Oh my, like, God... it’s so, like... TINY! EEEEK!

(Lollipop runs out of the room while Savoy is sitting on the bed mortified as the video goes to static.)

DM: Yeah, he’s looking like a big pimp now, isn’t he Neels?

MN: Shut up! Shut up!

(Artest looks at Savoy with an incredulous look on his face.)

RA: Um, uh, uh... I’m... sorry dawg?

SAVOY: YOU IDIOT!

JA: Hey, hey, I don’t mean to interrupt your lovers’ quarrel here, but I demand retribution.

MN: Retribution? Savoy’s been the one who was humiliated by lies! That Lollipop was just in awe of Savoy’s package!

DM: Yeah right, Neels, I’m sure it was so big she thought it was small.

MN: Hey, we never saw it on canvas

SAVOY: What are you talkin’ about?

JA: Retribution for my girlfriend having to see something so hideous.

CROWD: HUNG LIKE A MOUSE! (clap clap clapclapclap) HUNG LIKE A MOUSE! (clap clap clapclapclap)

SAVOY: You, oh, you bitches ain’t nothin’ but hos and tricks. I’ll get y’all for this!

(Savoy and Artest exit.)

JA: Well, that was pretty easy. Anyway folks, thank you, you’ve been a wonderful audience.

(Pop as JA and Lollipop exit.)

DT: Well, that was certainly a strange turn of events.

DM: Oh yeah, strange but wildly amusing.

MN: You shut up!

TONY FATORA: This match is scheduled for one fall!

(Cue up "I Am the Bullgod." Priest comes out from the back, flanked by Eisenkreuz, to a mild chorus of boos, mixed with indifference.)

TF: Introducing first, from... um, your mom, bitch, weighing in at 237 pounds, he is... PRIEEEEST!!

DT: Well, ever since Priest has returned from his injury, he’s been on somewhat of a high note.

DM: Well, he did beat Vladimir Vlachinko, but let’s not forget that big dude had a big role in it, and so did his German pal.

MN: Why don’t we start giving credit where credit is due! Priest is a rising star in this industry! And he’s got the looks too to go with his passion for the sport.

DM: Passion? Neels, don’t you realize the only reason he’s in the ring is out of threat of litigation from Paul Freeman?

MN: Hey... shut up.

DT: Well, Priest is in the ring, and Eisenkreuz takes his place outside.

(Cue up "Dogs of War." Jason Payne enters to a good-sized pop.)

TF: And his opponent, weighing in at nearly 300 pounds and hailing from Payneville, Kentucky, he is the Dog of War... JAAAAASON... PAAAAAAAYYYYYYNE!

DT: Jason Payne coming out to a good reaction here. A lot of Payniacs in the house.

DM: Did you just make that term up yourself, Dave?

DT: Yes I did. I think it’s the greatest fan name in the history of our sport.

DM: Please Dave, just stop.

MN: I agree with Dean.

DM: Wow, tape that because you’re not going to hear that being said often.

DT: Let’s just get to the action guys, and here we go, Payne in the ring, and he’s staring a hole right through Priest.

DM: Well, I would too if I was called a racist redneck.

MN: Hey, the truth hurts, and Priest speaks the truth, Dean-o.

DT: Well, yes, but let’s also remember that these are two men who will be competing for the brand new Television Title at the next pay-per-view event.

MN: My money’s on Priest! He’s made for tee-vee!

DM: Well, Payne may have something to say about that.

(DING DING DING!)

DT: Priest and Payne advance on each other. Priest for the collar and elbow... OH MY! Payne wanting none of it, drives a knee right to the midsection of Priest. And now double axhandle! One, two, and Priest is down on the canvas.

DM: Well, that ought to teach him to talk smack about the South, especially here in Memphis.

MN: Oh give it a rest Dean. These rednecks still think the PILEDRIVER of all moves is a career killer.

DM: Have you ever taken one, Neels?

MN: No, and I’d like to keep it that way.

DT: Priest trying to get up, but Payne with a kick right to the chops! Priest flies over on his back and now Payne is right on him, mounted punches! One, two, three, four, the ref tries to step in, Payne shoves him out of the way, five, six, seven, the ref is counting now, and Payne gets off. I think he realized that he might have gotten disqualified there.

MN: Yeah, stupid redneck, he should have just gotten himself dee-kyooed so he could have ended his embarrassment.

DM: Well, Priest is clearly the one getting embarrassed here.

DT: Jason Payne in control here, turning Priest over and now with the camel clutch. Stretching back on the neck and back of Priest here, that can’t be too comfortable.

DM: Well, if you’re Payne, it is, but he could always be more comfy in his very own La-Z-Boy recliner. Pick one up at your local furniture store today.

MN: WHY DO YOU GET ALL THE ENDORSEMENT DEALS?

DM: Maybe because I’m all... sexified.

DT: Fellas... back to the match, Payne lets go of the hold and drops Priest to the canvas! Priest is holding the back of his neck while Payne is hovering over him. He’s to the front of Priest and now scoops him up over his shoulder... shoulderbreaker! Cover...

...one...

...two...

...but Priest kicks out.

DM: Close call there.

DT: Indeed it was, Dean. Payne picks Priest up now, whips him off the ropes, clothesline, Priest ducks, turn around Jason, here comes Priest... FLYING CROSS B... NO! Payne caught him midair and now... OOH! Big powerslam! Payne covers again...

...one...

...two...

...th... NO! Priest kicks out!

DM: Priest is getting manhandled here. Good to see this punk get his comeuppance.

MN: You shut your mouth Dean! Priest is a prophet! He speaks the truth! Get up Priest! Get him!

DT: Payne now grabs Priest in a standing headscissors... he’s signaling to the crowd!

DM: They’re going bee-aye-en-aye-en-aye-ess bananas! Piledriver time!

MN: I hate that move!

DT: Payne going... no! He’s blocked... and Priest flips him over!

MN: I knew you had it in you, Priest! Go get him!

DM: You are shameless, you know that Neels?

MN: You’re one to talk, Mr. Corporate Shill!

DT: Priest up, so’s Payne. Payne charges in, but Priest counters with a drop toe hold! Priest with an elbow to the back of Payne’s head, turns him over, cover...

...one...

...NO! Payne throws Priest off him with authority!

DM: Man, Payne must have had some Red Bull energy drink before this match, cuz boy’s got WIIIINGS!

MN: I’m going to hurl.

DM: Not on me, Neels. Toss your cookies on Schiavone-bot.

DT: Hey! Stop that! Payne struggles to his feet and PRIEST with the preemptive attack, dropkick right to Payne’s head! The big Kentuckian back down to the canvas like a ton of bricks! Priest grabs him to his feet and… DDT! Payne down again. Cover...

...one...

...two...

...Payne kicks out!

MN: Priest has got him on the ropes!

DM: I wouldn’t say so yet, but he’s got the big Mo’ right about now.

DT: Priest has Payne up, could we see Down the Pisser here?

MN: I hope so!

DT: Priest... NO! Payne breaks out of the grip and CLOTHELINES PRIEST TO THE MAT HARD! It could be all over for Priest now, but... wait, what’s Priest doing?

DM: Haha, he’s begging for mercy from the ref!

DT: Priest is grabbing on the ref’s pants, I think he’s trying to get a reprieve here, wait a second... here comes Eisenkreuz in the ring!

MN: Right behind Payne! Haha, he’s going to get revenge for being called a Russian!

DT: No! No, this isn’t fair! Turn around Jason! Too late! Eisenkreuz has got Payne by the throat and... DEUTSCHESLAMMEN! Jason Payne is out cold on the mat, and Eisenkreuz bolts out of the ring like a bat out of hell! No, not like this! Priest turns around and he’s back on his feet. He goes to the top rope and... FROGSPLASH! No! Don’t count ref, it’s a travesty...

...one...

...two...

...THREE!

(DING DING DING!)

TF: Here is your winner by pinfall... PRIIIIEEEEEST!

DT: And there you go, Priest steals a win with help from his German bodyguard, and he’ll have some more momentum going into the Television Championship fray.

MN: Well, maybe that oughtta teach Payne not to confuse Germans with Russians.

DT: Oh man, stay tuned for more Empire Pro action!