CUT TO: Beast nailing the Absolution on Adam Benjamin.
CUT TO: Karl Brown coming off the ropes with a Quebrada.
CUT TO: Christian Sands and Lindsay Troy standing victorious in the ring.
CUT TO: Troy Douglas standing victorious on a turnbuckle.
CUT TO: Adam Benjamin delivering a Shining Wizard to Karl Brown.
CUT TO: Golem cradling his claw, smirking.
CUT TO: Boogie Smallz lighting up a blunt.
CUT TO: Lindsay Troy dropkicking Christian Sands.
CUT TO: JA and Sebastian Dodd locking up in the middle of the ring.
CUT TO: Dan Ryan sitting sedately in a chair, staring into the camera.
CUTTO: With a clash of metal, a logo slams across the screen, its edges flickering.]
(Cut to the ramp, where a wreath of pyro explodes around the EmpireTron and several bomblike, smoky explosions ripple about the entry way. The camera zooms in on the screen as the pyro finally peters out, then blurs to roving shots of the roaring crowd as a small banner in the corner briefly appears to proclaim that EPW is broadcast en Espanol. Various signs are visible in the crowd: "Marx fears the Queen, "Savoy is my baby daddy!!", "We Want the Dragon", "Crazy Like a Foxx!!", "JA-holic" with an arrow pointing down, "DIS FEARS CROSS!", "Unleash the BEAST!!", and finally, "Where’s Freeman?".)
[Cut to the announce table at ringside.]
DT: Welcome everyone to the FedEx Forum in Memphis, Tennesee!!! This is Aggression 18 and boy what a packed lineup we have tonight!! The pool of entrants in the Television Title picture will be explored a little tonight as Damian Stone takes on X-Ecutioner and Jason Payne takes on Priest.
DM: We’re talking about some guys that are either new or going in new directions and it’ll be very important that they make their statements tonight in order to gain some momentum headed for the big showdown on pay-per-view.
DT: In addition to that, Cross will take on Troy Douglas tonight in a bit of a return match for Douglas after a stint away.
DM: Oh how the mighty have fallen. Troy Douglas was once wrestling for the biggest prize in our sport. Tonight he’ll be lucky to get out of the ring alive, especially if Cross is holding on to some of the frustrations of his dealings with these Dis characters.
DT: Speaking of Dis…the mysterious Dis 2 will take on Lindsay Troy, the World Heavyweight Champion but in a non-title contest.
DM: Good call by Dan Ryan. This guy’s done nothing to earn a World Title
shot, but these two definitely have some issues to iron out.
DT: There’s much much more where that came from. We’ll have the Windham Entourage taking on Steve Savoy’s Posse, Steve Savoy himself will take on Joey Melton, Beast takes on the returning Adam Benjamin and of course the EPW Intercontinental Title will be on the line as Sebastian Dodd defends against the inimitable Cameron Cruise.
DM: Cammy’s gonna get his chance to shine tonight, Thomas. Here’s his moment in the sun.
DT: Last but not least, a young lady who has made some waves with her promotional pieces on previous shows but has yet to make her appearance in-ring, the one and only Foxx….will debut against Mojo Massey.
MN: Hell yes!
< DT: Now you speak up.
MN: I’ve been waiting all week for this.
DT: Well I’m excited myself, guys. We’re finally going to see her in-ring debut and it’s coming up first!
MN: Dave, you’re just excited to see another pair of tit…
DT: Family show!
MN: …tillating legs walking out from the back on a female.
DM: Nice save there, Neels.
MN: Thanks.
TF: Already in the ring, let me introduce to you tonight, MOJO MASSSEEEEYYYY!
MN: Man, poor Mojo, he doesn’t get his hometown or his weight mentioned.
DM: Well, that’s what happens when you’re a jobber, Neels. No one loves you.
MN: Hey, fourth wall! And I happen to love Mojo!
TF: And his opponent…
(Cue up “Angelwitch.” Enter Foxx.)/p> TF: …from San Antonio, Texas, weighing in at 134 pounds… FOOXXXXX!
DT: Quite the warm reception for Ms. Foxx, don’t you think?
DM: Yeah, not only is she hot, but she seems likable too. A girl you can take home to mom.
MN: No way I’d ever take her home to mom. She might be able to kick my ass. That’s not cool.
DM: Alright Carlito…
MN: Hey! That’s not fair! Besides, I have way better hair than he does.
DM: Neels, no one cares about your hair.
DT: Alright, it’s time for the match to start guys.
(DING DING DING)
DT: And Mojo Massey wasting no time! Right in with a lariat! Cover…
...one…
…but Foxx kicks out.
DM: Well, looks like Mojo is getting desperate for his first win… or just to knock her out so he can get laid.
MN: Hey, hasn’t he ever heard of roofies?
DM: Probably, but jobbers don’t make enough to afford them.
DT: Guys, let’s get back to the match, and Mojo has Foxx up… Irish whip, Mojo with another lariat, no, Foxx ducks and counters with the crucifix takedown! What a move!
DM: She’s spry, that Foxx.
DT: Foxx up, and so’s Mojo, Foxx right behind him… TIGER SUPLEX! Bridge… …one…
…two…
…but Mojo kicks out!
DM: I think Mojo’s about to remember his role in this match.
MN: Hey, I still think he has some fight left in him.
DT: Foxx pulls Mojo to his feet, Irish whip, no, reversal…
MN: See, I told you…
DT: Foxx on the rebound and… LEG LARIAT right across the chest of Mojo. Foxx covers…
…one…
…two…
…Mojo kicks out!
DM: Well, he’s almost putting up a fight by kicking out.
MN: Shut up Dean.
DT: Foxx dragging Mojo closer to the corner now… she’s going to the top…
DM: This could be good, guys.
DT: Foxx’s up on the top, she’s facing the crowd. Now she leaps back… OH MY LORD, DID YOU SEE THAT MOVE?
DM: I just saw Neels’ jaw drop there.
DT: I think that’s what she calls the Vixen Dive! Cover…
…one…
…two…
….THREE!!
(DING DING DING)
TF: Your winner… FFFOOOOXXXXXXX!!!
MN: (wiping tears from his eyes) I don’t think I’ve seen anything so wonderful in my whole life.
DT: Get a room, Neely.
MN: (leaping to attention) Think she’d go for it??
DT: I meant for you and your hand.
(Dean snickers) MN: (sitting back down, deflated) Nice.
DM: Yeah Dave, it’s about time you came up with a zinger.
DT: I don’t know whether to be flattered or insulted at that, but regardless, it’s time for our first commercial break of the evening. Don’t go away!
(Cue up a commercial Anglo Luchador Brand® Fake Vomit.)