You are SO RUDE!

[Mad Dog]

(FADE IN to a trendy area in West Hollywood, California. A man wearing a black sequenced jacket, white t-shirt, and a pair of black high-water slacks, revealing his knee-high white socks underneath and black loafers. He has a shower cap on under a black-rimmed hat. The camera pans up to his face revealing it to be Shamon. He has a very small cell phone in his gloved hand.)

SHAMON: (Talking into his cell phone.) Oh yes, everything is going as planned. It got the seaweed wrap done over at Bodyworks. Siew Eng does such a great job. And now I’m heading over to Pierre’s to get a treatment for my hair, before I head up to Portland.

(Listens to voice on the phone.) Oh, you mean THOSE plans. Well, I guess things are going as expected. (Listens to the phone.) Well yeah, I didn’t forget why I came here, but I had a few things I needed to take care of to establish myself. (Listens with concern shown on his face.) I understand. Don’t worry, I will expose the FRAUD in due time. But before then, I have a match with this bum named Shane Southern. Supposedly he is the wrestler to beat…or so he touts. (The voice on the other end responds.) Don’t worry. I’ve got a game plan and NO ONE will get in my way.

(Shamon looks up and spots a sign that reads “Pierre’s Hair Salon”.) Look, I’m here. I have to go. I will call you later. T.T.F.N.

(Shamon flips his phone shut and walks into the establishment. The doorman, who is situated behind a podium in the front of the store, greets him.)

DOORMAN: (Looking down into an appointment book, while speaking with someone on his headset.) No, we won’t be able to book Mr. Pitt until sometime next week. I don’t care if it is his only week off from filming. I can’t work miracles and have a spot open up for him. He should have booked more in advance. (Looks up and spots the familiar face.) Look, I have to disconnect with you, one of our best customers just walked in.

(Takes off his headset and greets Shamon in front of the podium.) How good to see you, Mr. Shamon. Pierre is expecting you. Please have a seat. Can I get you anything? Bottled water? Perhaps some biscotti?

SHAMON: Well if it isn’t too much trouble, I would really love a latte’ cappuccino mocha espresso chiller, with a dash of cinnamon and a twist of lemon. (Smiles) Thank you.

DOORMAN: (Looking a little confused.) Certainly sir, right away.

SHAMON: (Removing his hat and sequenced jacket, but leaving his shower cap on.) I think I’ll take a seat and see what’s going on, on my favorite TV show, Days of Our Lives.

(Shamon takes a seat and begins flipping through channels on the remote control. He catches the last minute of Days before the credits start rolling. He begins flipping the channels again and stumbles upon a Shane Southern promo on a rerun of the weekend TV show CSWA Extra. Shamon looks upset for a moment and then smiles, when the doorman walks in with his drink.)

DOORMAN: Here you are, sir. (Hands Shamon a large cup of coffee.) I hope you enjoy it. Pierre will be up shortly to take you to the back.

SHAMON: Excellent. (Taking a drink out of the frothy concoction. He puts the cup down, revealing foam on his nose. He doesn’t notice and begins to cut a promo.) Well it looks as if Shane Southern is a feeling a little unsure of himself. I could sense the fear in your promo. It looks as if you have your mind on other things, other than Shamon. You have the AUDACITY to say that I am not taking this match seriously? It takes hard work to look THIS GOOD. I know my fans want to see me look my best and if you could look at what I have spent the past few days to do that…it would make your jaw drop!

Maybe YOU aren’t taking ME too seriously. It looks like you are preoccupied with Evan Aho. Which by the way, he really needs to do something with that hair. It’s just awful! And did you see what he wore to that fundraiser last week. (Pauses) But that’s another story all together. Will Evan stab you in the back? Well the Get Along Gang break up for good? All of you kissing each other’s asses…its like an endless chain.

(In a mocking voice, not mocking anyone in particular.) “No, Wicked Sight…you are the best.”(In a different voice.) “No… Shane, you are the greatest.” (In yet another voice.) “No I’m not the man; you are the man…Evan.” (In his normal voice.) It’s enough to make me sick! Shane, you got a little brown right there. (Points at his nose and discovers the foam on his face. Embarrassed, he quickly wipes it away.) BROWN NOSER! I bet you even polish Merritt’s shoes in between TV tapings. (Giggles) Which, by the way Mr. Merritt, I have a friend that does an excellent shoeshine. I’ll give you his card in Portland. (Smiles)

(Shamon takes a gulp of his coffee and this time wipes his face to make sure there is no foam on it.) I hate to borrow a phrase, but Shane, I thought you could be PROFESSIONAL (Smiles and gives a thumbs up.) about this, but obviously you have to resort to cheap tactics. Such as ridiculing my training regimen and having the gall to say my hair is BLEACHED! (Fans his face and calms himself down.) If Pierre heard you, he would want to get into the ring with you himself! My hair happens to be 100 PERCENT NATURAL! This hair color didn’t come from a bottle. Just like the commercial says, ”maybe he’s born with it…maybe its Mabeline.” Well it’s not Mabeline…I was born with it, buster! Don’t be mad because you’ve got a mullet and get your hair done at Supercuts. I offered you an appointment with Pierre and you turned it down. If you want to go around looking like Joe Dirt…hey, that’s your prerogative. Just like the song by Bobby Brown, you can do what you want to do, baby! (Snaps his fingers.)

(Takes another drink and stands up.) Shane, how can the party be over? I never got my invitation, I guess because I am not part of the “Kiss Each Other’s Ass Club”. Oh well, in Portland, despite the horrendous effect the climate up there has on my hair, I will be throwing a party of my own. (Almost child-like in his taunting.) And guess who isn’t invited! (Smiles.) That’s right, I am gonna kick off my first official win in the CSWA with a little party. All my friends will be there and I want to send out a special invitation to THE PROFESSIONALS, you guys are more than welcome to come. I’ll have beer, ladies, and plenty of Newports and Camels to go around for everyone! And Southern, don’t be thinking about becoming World champion after you face me, because if Aho is lucky, there won’t be anything left of you for him to beat! I am gonna put you out of commission and when I do that, Aho will have no choice but to face ME! The new number-one contender! OHHHH! UHHHHH! OWWWWW! HEEEEEE HEEEEEE! (Does the hot hand dance move.) Oh yeah, baby. (Grabs his crotch.) HOOOOOOOOOO!

(While Shamon does the stutter step while grabbing his crotch and screaming, Pierre walks into the waiting room. We can only see the back of his head, which has long black hair pulled back into a ponytail. FADE TO BLACK)

[IMG http://www.cswawrestling.com/rp/User_files/3cc5d3334fba8558.jpg]

 

[SouthernBoy]

You are SO DEAD!

{{...FADE-IN: The locker room area just before Showtime. It's a little more crowded now as various wrestlers can be seen milling about. The camera finds Shane Southern by a table of bottled water talking to Wicked Sight. Rudy Seitzer walks up to the pair with a microphone...}}

SEITZER: " Shane, uh...sorry to do this to you, but we have to make deadline for the ON TIME promos. We just uploaded Shamon's response to your last promo and we'd like you to cut one more for use on the recap show tomorrow. "

SOUTHERN: " Rudy, I cut mah' promos for On Time already. 'Sides...I gotta' pretty big match comin' up in 'bout a hour so if ya' don't mind, can we do this AFTER.

SEITZER: " Well Shane, this isn't me, Merritt doesn't want to take the chance you won't be able to cut the promo AFTER the match.

SOUTHERN: " Really, you know somethin' I don't?

SEITZER: " All I know is Merritt told me to get one more promo from you BEFORE Showtime kicked off. So you up for it?

{{...Southern glances over at Wicked Sight and shrugs. Sight nods and walks away. Southern then holds out his hand for the mic which Rudy places in his hand...}}

SEITZER: " Thanks Shane. Look I'm going to get ready for the broadcast...when you're done, just give the mic to the camera guy. He's got Shamon's promo queued and ready. "

{{...Southern nods, then takes a big swig of water and throws the empty bottle in the trash can. He manages to collect himself about as well as can be expected....then walks a few feet over and stands by a monitor mounted on the wall as the last Shamon promo begins to play. CUT-TO: The very end of the promo. Southern switches off the monitor and smiles. But it's not smile motivated by humor, it's more of a pity smile. Southern shakes his head and begins to speak....}}

SOUTHERN: " ONE hour before a match for tha' UNIFIED Tag team titles, n' I gotta' cut yet ANOTHER promo on this narcissistic idiot. Only in tha' CSWA 'eh. "

" First of all pretty boy, guys like Wicked Sight, Aho, Stanley and myself have EARNED ever bit we've gotten in tha' CSWA. We've fought n' we've won our spots. You wanna' be a part of that? You gotta EARN it. You gotta' actually step inta' tha' squared circle n' PIN somebody. You don't get a spot by bein' a gimmick. You don't get a spot by deciet and trickery. Fakes don't last in tha' CSWA n' I gotta' feelin' Shamon, that you're not gonna' be 'round here for much longer. You may think you got it figured out...you may think you got ME figured out, but ya' have NO IDEA what yer doin'...n' I'm gonna' show YOU and tha' WORLD that at On Time. You're in WAY over yer head here and ya' don't even realize it. {{...shakes his head...}} Sad, really. "

" Shamon, let me explain somethin' ta' you. You seem ta' be under tha' false impression that I actually giva' flyin <BLEEP> what you think. You see fruitcake, I gave ya' tha' benifit of tha' doubt last time. I chalked yer attitude up ta' inexperiance, but you've done gone n' pissed me off, n' ya' remember what I said 'bout that? Ya' see Shamon, people 'round here got me pegged as some goodie-two-shoes that won't break a rule even if his mother's 'bout ta' be thrown inta' Third Row, Inc. {{...shakes his head...}} Couldn't be MORE wrong. Go get yerself a tape of Primetime in San Diego. Watch REAL close what I did ta' THAT imbacile. Ya' wanna' know WHY I did that Shamon, you know WHY I beat JJ Deville ta' within a very INCH of his LIFE? 'Cause HE PISSED ME OFF. He played GAMES with me Shamon, n' he LOST. Now, when we meet in Portland, I'm gonna' haveta' do tha' SAME thing ta' you. N' ta' be honest, I think tha' fans would blame me. In fact, just for tha' fact they won't have ta' sit through another promo of you prancin' 'round likea' fairy, I think they'd love me that much MORE for it. "

" So you go sit in your fancy chair n' get your hair done by some gay dude. Get your pores cleansed, yer eyebrows plucked and yer body hair removed. I just hope yer favorite color is RED, 'cause I'm gonna' do a little RE-decoratin' come On Time. You're nuthin' butta' fly buzzin' 'rounda BIG DOG, not more thana' gnat I'm gonna' SWAT. It's not that I wanted ta' tear your head off, it's just that now...I've got no other options. So Enjoy tha' relaxation now, 'cause when I'm done with ya'...you will NEVER be tha' same again. "

" Party's OVER. "

{{...FADE OUT as Southern nods to the camera...}}

 

[Mad Dog]

Let's Get This Party Started...

[updated:LAST EDITED ON May-09-02 AT 04:18 PM (EDT)](FADE IN to where we last left Shamon, being greeted by his stylist, Pierre. He is a short chubby man, with long black hair pulled back into a ponytail and has a goatee. He is wearing a shiny purple shirt, zebra print pants, and blue sunglasses. The shirt he is wearing is tied into a knot, above his midriff, exposing his gut. He greets Shamon with a very feminine handshake and motions for him to follow. As they walk to Pierre’s “office” they begin a conversation.)

PIERRE: (In a cheesy European accent.) Shamon, darling, I am pleased to see you wearing the miracle hydration cap. Scientist in East Germany worked on that for years. It’s a breakthrough in hair engineering.

SHAMON: Oh yes, I agree. This thing has really left my hair with a lot of body and shine. The women just love it. Why just the other day my lady friend, Brooke, came over. She spent the whole time running her fingers through my hair. (Pauses) Oh course, I made her wear surgical gloves because I have no idea whose head she was rubbing before mine!

PIERRE: You are one of my best customers, Shamon. You wouldn’t believe the horror story that came through here just the other day. An old one hit wonder…country star, Billy Ray Cyrus. He came to me and said, “Pierre, I heard you were the greatest. I need a new look, I need you to revitalize my career.” I looked at the poor boy, his mullet still intact from his Achy Breaky Tour back in 93, and I told him that although I am a miracle worker and have performed many magnificent feats in my day, I could not promise him that it would kick-start his career.

He says to me, “Pierre, please…you are my last hope. There must be something you could do.” I looked at him, tears welling up in his eyes, and I said, “Billy Ray…get the hell out of my salon!” (Both men laugh.) “You better take your ass down to Fantastic Sam’s or whatever is in the strip mall down the street from the trailer park, buddy!”

SHAMON: You made the right call, Pierre. I mean, some folks have just done years of damage to their hair…and you just can’t reverse it. You talking about the mullet and him being a redneck, it sort of reminded me of that big oaf, Shane Southern.

PIERRE: Who is this Southern character?

SHAMON: Oh, just some guy that wants to beat me up because he is jealous. It’s the same story…over and over. I always seem to upstage everyone that crosses my path…and they start to feel hate and resentment. Oh well, nothing I am not used to by now. When you look as good as I do…it always seems to follow me wherever I go.

(The two men make it to Pierre’s “office”. He pulls a curtain back and a shiny gold barber’s chair is revealed behind it. There is a counter to the left that is full of an array of hair devices and utensils. He leads Shamon to the chair, where he takes a seat and removes his shower cap. Shamon’s glistening, vivacious, blonde Gheri Curl is exposed and it appears to be still dripping from a recent application of Activator.

The camera begins to move in slow motion as Shamon smiles and shakes his head, while looking in a mirror. The Activator splashes all over everything and Shamon acts as if nothing has happened. He is entranced with himself. The picture then resumes to normal play-mode and Shamon blows a kiss at himself.)

PIERRE: (Wiping Activator off of his sunglasses.) Ahh, I see you are using Formula 44E, that’s almost the strongest you can get.

SHAMON: Well, I have a trip to Portland coming up and you know how the weather is up there. I can’t afford to have my hair frizz up and look like Teck from the Real World! I worked too damn hard to have that happen.

PIERRE: You have so much passion for your hair. You are truly worthy of Pierre’s services! Such lovely natural blonde hair…you should be called the Golden Child.

(Pierre throws a large hair-bib over Shamon and ties it up behind his neck. Pierre cuts on some rubber gloves and begins to give Shamon a scalp massage.)

SHAMON: Well, they might be calling me that, fairly soon. This match in Portland, well my opponent, Shane Southern, has a World title match on the show following it. Well you know me, no one comes any tougher than yours truly. I am not only the King of Pop…but the King of SNAP…CRACKLE…and POP! He has no idea who he is messing with! I did some time in jail, you know!

PIERRE: Oh yes, I remember…the unpaid parking tickets!

SHAMON: Yeah…and that was really rough! But I survived and I came out stronger. Once Southern faces me…he won’t be able to make that World title match. Now Pierre, who do you think would be the LOGICAL CHOICE for the champ to face if Southern can’t make it?

PIERRE: That’s a no-brainer, Shammy…you, baby!

SHAMON: Of course! And when the CSWA’s Board of Directors take a look at how I manhandle and beat up Shane Southern…within an inch of his life, they will see that I am the man to carry the company into the future, and they will give me his shot. He wants to talk about how he and a bunch of Ass Kissing Bandits earned their spots. Well WHATEVER! If kissing ass is the work you put in to get that spot, then by all means…you deserve it. Do you know what I mean? I can’t stand ass-kissers! (Looks at Pierre.) So do you think this glove matches my outfit? (Holds up his shiny, glittery glove.)

PIERRE: Umm, yes…it certainly does. It really brings out the white in your eyes. You look impeccable today, honey.

SHAMON: I knew you would give me an honest answer. Now before you style my hair, all I really want is a little off the sides and in the back. You know how I like it.

PIERRE: Of course, I do. You have been coming to me for years. In a way, you helped me build this salon. Just be sure to make me proud when you square off with that Southern, fellow.

SHAMON: He is the least of my worries. I have been gearing up for this match all week. I’ve been doing my Sweatin’ To The Oldies tape series…and I can really tell a difference! That Richard Simmons is some genius. I’m glad he ran out those wannabes, Tony Little and Susan Powter, they can try and try, but will never be on Richard Simmons’ level! Sort of like no matter how hard Southern tries, he will never be top tier…upper echelon like me! I should be main eventing RIGHT NOW, but you know how it is.

PIERRE: Goodness, don’t I. When I was in France 15 years ago, doing the hair for all the models in the fashion shows, I was always held back by that pompous bastard, Jose’ Revear. Cowboy hat wearing fascist! He doesn’t have the talent I possess in my little pinky!

SHAMON: I know the feeling. This is my breakthrough match…its time for me to prove to Southern and the entire world…that Shamon is a serious threat, that I am the best kept secret since the Colonel’s recipe, and NO ONE CAN STOP ME! Pierre, I hate to spring this on you…I know your schedule is hectic, but do you think you can make some time to go to Portland? After the match, I could really use your help. I have to look EVEN BETTER, with the World title shot coming up, and all.

PIERRE: I would love to, but I am booked solid for the next 2 months. How about you charter a Cessna and fly directly to my home, afterwards. I’ve got everything I need there and it won’t conflict with anything I have lined up.

SHAMON: Sounds good, but I have a party to throw…a little victory celebration. I think my favorite tag team, the Professionals, might show up. I can’t miss that chance.

PIERRE: If that is the case, my advice to you is to wrestle in the shower cap, its your best line of defense for your ‘do.

SHAMON: Oh, of course. No telling where Southern’s hands have been. Hanging around Evan Aho…my imagination can only wonder!

(The picture soon changes to the back of Pierre. It looks as if he is trimming up Shamon’s hair. After a minute or so, he stands back and Shamon’s hair looks as it did earlier…as if Pierre never touched it. He hands Shamon a mirror to hold in his hand, so he can see all the angles with the mirror on the wall.)

SHAMON: Excellent job, Pierre.

PIERRE: (Smiling) I try! I am glad you are pleased.

SHAMON: Very much so. I feel so overjoyed…I feel the need to sing. Do you have any request?

PIERRE: Oh Mr. Shamon, you have such a lovely voice. It makes no difference, you sing what you heart tells you to.

SHAMON: Alright…(Snapping his fingers with every count.) A one…two, one…two…three. (Shamon begins to sing in his ridiculously out of pitch style. Over exaggerating every key.) Billie Jean is not my lover…OWWW…she’s just a girl that says I am the one. OHHHH! But the kid is not my son. EWWW OWWW HEEE HEEE! (Now talking in is normal soft spoken voice to Pierre.) And that chick was trippin’! The DNA tests they took proved that it was Carlo, the pool boy. I ROCKED HER WORLD, got busy once in the Taco Bell bathroom…but that was it!

PIERRE: (With a doubtful look on his face.) Sure Mr. Shamon, whatever you say sir.

(Pierre removes the hair-bib and Shamon jumps out of the seat and onto his feet. He stands with his face looking toward the left. He stays in this pose for 30 seconds before he jumps into a mock-Thriller routine, followed by some snarls and heavy breathing. He kicks his leg out and lets in dangle in the air, before shifting it left and right. He does the hot hand dance steps, grabs his crotch, points to the camera with his other hand, and does the stutter step. FADE TO BLACK)

[IMG http://www.cswawrestling.com/rp/User_files/3cc5d3334fba8558.jpg]