WFW Almost Live: Arquito Iris vs. Artestito

[PaulNJ21]

BRANDON JACOBS: These two may be short on stature, but they aren’t short on talent. Arquito Iris was the only ranked mini on the ENN 250.

JONATHAN MARX: It is refreshing to see a minority breaking through the established wrestling norms of our society. It is only a matter of time before a mini wins a world title somewhere on the circuit using his size and speed to his advantage to get the better of his opponent.

VIC WATERS: I don’t know, if you aren’t tall enough to ride the kiddy rides at Six Flags, I don’t know if you could be a serious title threat.

JONATHAN MARX: You are just haterizing on people who are height disadvantaged. Why shouldn’t the World Title be open to everyone?

VIC WATERS: Because if you let minis compete, the bigger wrestlers would turn them into pancakes in the ring. It would be like an adult beating up a child. How could the bigger guy ever be the good guy?

JONATHAN MARX: Why should someone be punished though because genetics dealt them a bad hand? Why shouldn’t some three foot wrestler have a chance to win the World Title?

VIC WATERS: Because that is the way life is, nobody ever said life was fair. Separate isn’t equal, sometimes it is better than equal because it allows minis to compete one on one with other minis and have great matches. Can you imagine if minis competed against heavyweights all the time? A big guy could splatter two or three of them like ants without breaking a sweat. Hell, Regular sized wrestlers have a hard enough time keeping out of a wheelchair after a long career. Imagine how much worse it would be if they were smaller taking all of that abuse.

JONATHAN MARX: Cruiserweights do that all the time against heavyweights.

VIC WATERS: Heavyweights are practically dead in wrestling. Most of the wrestlers are cruiserweights these days so heavyweight verses cruiserweight is more the exception than the rule. Then you have the whole factor that if a mini were to beat someone bigger than them more attention would be paid to the bigger guy losing than the smaller guy winning and it would haunt them forever. Why would you want to tear down the image that wrestlers work so hard to build just to prove some point about equality? There is a part in the show for everyone without having to do that. You don’t need to reinvent the wheel to get the public interested. If you give them a good show, they will care.

JONATHAN MARX: I still think minis are unjustly discriminated against.

VIC WATERS: You just want to see the more leagues hire minis because they work for half the price and that means more inheritance for you.

JONATHAN MARX: Minis are fun size.

BRANDON JACOBS: Alright folks, lets break this up…

VIC WATERS: He started it.

JONATHAN MARX: I did not.

BRANDON JACOBS: This should be interesting who the fans get behind, on one hand you have Arquito Iris who is a big fan favorite among the fans despite El Arco Iris turning his back on the fans… on the other you have Artestito who is a huge fan favorite in New York because Ron Artest played his college ball at St. Johns.

JONATHAN MARX: I think this audience will be very much split but we will see.

ViC WATERS: How people could cheer for the mini for a criminal I will never know, Ron Artest is nothing but a thug.

BRANDON JACOBS: Thug or not, the fans are waiting for this match to begin so lets send this down to ringside and get it underway!

(CUEUP: “Tunak Tunak Tun” by Dahler Mendhi)

RING ANNOUNCER: Introducing first, from over the rainbow, the only mini ranked in the ENN 250…. ARQUITO IRIS!

::Arquito Iris staggers through the curtain with an open bottle of vodka and a Cuban cigar in his mouth::

BRANDON JACOBS: What the…

JONATHAN MARX: Oh man, it looks like Arquito Iris is taking El Arco Iris’ betrayal hard.

VIC WATERS: Arquito Iris seems like he has lost his way.

::Arquito Iris jumps up onto the apron and slides into the ring::

BRANDON JACOBS: The ref is yelling at him to put out his cigar and get rid of the vodka.

VIC WATERS: Arquito can leave the vodka over here if he wants.
JONATHAN MARX: Except he wants to get it back after his match…

VIC WATERS: How much can you really drink when you are three feet tall?

JONATHAN MARX: I’ll ask Gary Coleman the next time I see him.

BRANDON JACOBS: The referee is demanding Arquito Iris hand everything over…. ARQUITO IRIS JUST KICKED THE REFEREE IN THE SHIN!

VIC WATERS: I haven’t seen someone jump up and down like this since I let those orphans have all the Coke they could drink on the way home from Atlantic City.

JONATHAN MARX: Thank god Felix Red wasn’t running the bus trip or overloaded bladders would have been the least of their problems.

(CUEUP: "In Da Club" by 50 Cent)

RING ANNOUNCER: And his opponent, channeling within the spirit of the St. John’s Redmen….. ARTESTITO!

::Artestito walks out with Ron Artest by his side down to the ring. Arquito Iris puts down his vodka bottle. Ron Artest lifts Artestito onto the ring apron::

BRANDON JACOBS: ARTESTITO CHARGES ARQUITO IRIS AND TAKES HIM DOWN WITH A SPEAR AND THE CIGAR FALLS OUT OF HIS MOUTH!

CROWD: LETS GO REDMEN LETS GO! LETS GO REDMEN LETS GO!

JONATHAN MARX: It seems like the vodka has dulled Arquito Iris’ sense a bit.

BRANDON JACOBS: ARTESTITO IS POUNDING ARQUITO WITH CLOSED FISTS RIGHT TO THE HEAD! The referee is telling him to open up the closed fists before he calls for the DQ.

VIC WATERS: Artestito is thug just like his boy Ron Artest.

JONATHAN MARX: Artestito is trying to take advantage of Arquito’s dulled senses and put him away as quickly as possible. Maybe a win here and he could make the ENN 250.

BRANDON JACOBS: THE REFEREE GRABS ARTESTITO BY THE JERSEY AND PULLS HIM OFF OF ARQUITO IRIS!

VIC WATERS: Good for him, Arquito Iris doesn’t deserve to be treated like that.

BRANDON JACOBS: The referee and Artestito are really getting into a heated back and forth….. ARTESTITO KICKS THE REFEREE IN THE SHIN AND REF IS HOPING AROUND ON ONE LEG YET AGAIN!

JONATHAN MARX: Sometimes it doesn’t pay to get out of bed in the morning.

VIC WATERS: I doubt the ref thought he would take a beating at the hands of unruly midgets.

BRANDON JACOBS: ARQUITO IRIS GETS UP OFF THE GROUND…. HE BOUNCES OFF THE ROPES AND GOES TO DROPKICK ARTESTITO AS HE TURNS AROUND…. ARTESTITO MOVES OUT OF THE WAY AND ARQUITO IRIS TAKES OUT THE ONE GOOD LEG OF THE REFEREE AND GOES DOWN TO THE MAT!

JONATHAN MARX: Ouch.

VIC WATERS: These midgets have no respect for authority.

JONATHAN MARX: It is a small world, we only live in it.

BRANDON JACOBS: ARQUITO IRIS AND ARTESTITO ARE TRADING CHOPS BACK AND FORTH AND THEY ARE REALLY LAYING INTO EACH OTHER! The referee is down trying and he is clutching the good leg Arquito Iris took out with that dropkick.

JONATHAN MARX: Looks like we may get a little wrestling finally.

BRANDON JACOBS: ARQUITO IRIS IS BACKING ARTESTITO UP WITH THOSE CHOPS…. ARTESTITO IS STAGGERING BACK AND FORTH FROM THOSE HARD CHOPS…. ARQUITO IRIS BACKS UP AND HE JUMPS ONTO THE REF AND USES THE REF TO PROPEL HIMSELF AT ARTESTITO AND HE HITS HIM WITH A SHINING WIZARD RIGHT IN THE HEAD!

CROWD: IRIS! IRIS! IRIS!

JONATHAN MARX: He clocked him in the head with that knee.

VIC WATERS: That poor referee has taken way too much abuse.

BRANDON JACOBS: ARQUITO IRIS IS GOING FOR THE COVER ON ARTESTITO! The injured referee crawls over and he starts to make the count! 1-----------------------------------------------2---------------------------------- ARTESTITO KICKS OUT AND ARQUITO IRIS ALMOST FALLS OUT OF THE RING!

JONATHAN MARX: That was close.
VIC WATERS: Arquito Iris’ quick hands saved him from crashing onto the floor.

BRANDON JACOBS: Artestito is getting up…. ARQUITO IRIS GRABS THE BOTTOM ROPE AND HE SLINGSHOTS HIMSELF AT ARTESTITO…. ARTESTITO CATCHES HIM IN MIDAIR WITH A HAYMAKER PUNCH AND ARQUITO IRIS CRASHES DOWN ON THE MAT!

JONATHAN MARX: OOOOH…

VIC WATERS: My god, what a punch.

BRANDON JACOBS: Artestito is looking around the ring…. HE SEES THE CIGAR ARQUITO IRIS WAS SMOKING AND HE PICKS IT UP OFF THE MAT…. ARTESTITO STARTS REPEATEDLY DRIVING THE HOT END OF THAT CIGAR INTO THE BACK OF ARQUITO AND ARQUITO ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY AND OUT OF THE RING TO AVOID GETTING BURNED!

VIC WATERS: That was a smart move by Arquito, that is all he could do in that situation.

JONATHAN MARX: If he didn’t bring that cigar out there, Artestito would have nothing to burn him with.

VIC WATERS: Hindsight is twenty twenty.

BRANDON JACOBS: ARTESTITO RUNS TOWARDS THE CORNER AND HE IS CLIMBING UP TO THE TOP TURNBUCKLE!

VIC WATERS: When you are mini, climbing the top turnbuckle is like scaling Mount Everest.

BRANDON JACOBS: Arquito Iris is starting to get up….. ARTESTITO FLIES OFF THE TOP TURNBUCKLE AND HE HITS ARQUITO IRIS WITH A MISSILE DROPKICK!

JONATHAN MARX: Artestito fell from the heavens with that one.

VIC WATERS: Artestito is crazy to be doing that stuff.

BRANDON JACOBS: BOTH MEN ARE DOWN AND THE REF IS PUTTING A DOUBLE COUNT ON BOTH MEN!

JONATHAN MARX: Artestito is showing signs of life, but he still looks a little shaken up from that dropkick.

VIC WATERS: Arquito is moving around, but he is still clearly out of it.

BRANDON JACOBS: Artestito is getting back up first…. HE GRABS ARQUITO IRIS AND HE HITS HIM WITH AN IMPLANT DDT!

JONATHAN MARX: He planted him with that DDT right into the ground.

VIC WATERS: Thank god he wears a mask because he isn’t going to be pretty after that.

BRANDON JACOBS: Artestito picks up Arquito and he goes to roll him back in the ring…. ARQUITO IRIS BLOCKS IT AND HE ELBOWS ARTESTITO IN THE FACE!

JONATHAN MARX: Arquito Iris knows that if Artestito rolled him back in after all the abuse he has taken, Artestito may be able to finally get to him.

BRANDON JACOBS: ARTESTITO IS SENT STAGGERING BACK AND ARQUITO IRIS CLIMBS ONTO THE RING APRON…. HE FLIES OFF THE SECOND ROPE AND HE HITS ASAI MOONSAULT AND BOTH ARTESTITO AND ARQUITO IRIS GO TUMBLING INTO THE CROWD!

JONATHAN MARX: That Asai Moonsault was picture perfect.

VIC WATERS: Before El Arco Iris became more mat based, he use to fly around like Arquito Iris too.

JONATHAN MARX: He was like the Energizer Bunny back then.

BRANDON JACOBS: Arquito Iris is getting back up to his feet but this mob of people are surrounding him as he tries to get back up….

VIC WATERS: These fans should give these guys room, just because minis fly into the audience doesn’t mean you can keep them.

JONATHAN MARX: We lose more minis that way.

BRANDON JACOBS: ARQUITO IRIS IS TELLING EVERYONE TO CLEAR THE ROW…. ARQUITO IRIS CLIMBS UP ONTO THE CHAIRS…. HE RUNS DOWN FIVE OR SIX CHAIRS AND THEN HE HITS ARTESTITO WITH THE CROWN OF HATHOR TORNADO DDT AS HE IS GETTING UP AND PLANTS HIM INTO THE CONCRETE FLOOR!

CROWD: IRIS! IRIS! IRIS!

JONATHAN MARX: Despite his bad attitude opening up this match, Arquito Iris has won back this crowd with a solid performance.

VIC WATERS: This crowd has been back and forth all night, but I am surprised too that the crowd didn’t turn him either.

BRANDON JACOBS: Ron Artest is coming over and he is coming over to help Artestito up…. ARQUITO IRIS IS YELLING AT HIM TO GET OUT OF HIS WAY BUT RON ARTEST PUSHES HIM DOWN AND GOES BACK TO HELPING ARTESTITO…

VIC WATERS: Ron Artest has no right from keeping Arquito Iris away from his opponent.

BRANDON JACOBS: ARQUITO IRIS WALKS TOWARDS THE GUARDRAIL AND HE IS ASKING THE TIME KEEPER TO HAND HIM THE VODKA BOTTLE BECAUSE HE WANTS TO TAKE A SWIG…

JONATHAN MARX: That is just what we need, more unruly drunk midget violence.

VIC WATERS: Everyone needs a sip every now and then.

BRANDON JACOBS: ARQUITO IRIS IS CLIMBING BACK ON TO THE CHAIRS…. ARQUITO IRIS YELLS OUT THE RED MEN SUCK AND ARTEST TURNS AROUND…. ARQUITO IRIS RUNS THE LENGTH OF THE CHAIR AND HE JUMPS TOWARDS ARTEST AND BREAKS THE VODKA BOTTLE OVER HIS HEAD SHATTERING IT INTO A MILLION PIECES!

JONATHAN MARX: Good god!

VIC WATERS: Finally Artest is getting what he deserves.

BRANDON JACOBS: The referee is yelling at both of them to get back into the ring before things get out of control…. RON ARTEST WIPES THE GLASS FROM HIS FOREHEAD AND HE RUNS AT AND PUNTS ARQUITO IRIS INTO THE CROWD!

CROWD: BAD KICKS ASS! BAD KICKS ASS! BAD KICKS ASS!

JONATHAN MARX: I can’t believe what I just saw.

BRANDON JACOBS: THE REF IS CALLING FOR THE BELL!

RING ANNOUNCER: The winner of this match via disqualification…. ARQUITO IRIS!

BRANDON JACOBS: SECURITY IS COMING INTO THE CROWD AFTER ARTEST AND ARTEST IS FIGHTING THEM OFF! Artestito grabs a chair…AND HE IS SWINGING IT AT THE LEGS OF THE SECURITY GUARDS KEEPING PEOPLE AWAY FROM ARTEST!

VIC WATERS: Damn ankle biters.

BRANDON JACOBS: THE SEVEN FOOT CHRIS WINK IS COMING THROUGH THE CROWD NOW TO TRY TO GET THIS UNDER CONTROL… WINK COMES UP FROM BEHIND AND HE IS TRYING TO PULL ARTEST AWAY FROM THE SECURITY GUARDS….WAIT A SECOND, ARTESTITO JUST CROTCHED WINK FROM BEHIND!

JONATHAN MARX: The great equalizer!

BRANDON JACOBS: ARTESTITO CLIMBS UP ONTO THE CHAIR…. ARTESTOSTERONE (STUNNER) ON WINK!

CROWD: ARTEST! ARTEST! ARTEST!

VIC WATERS: Just what I said, blatant thuggary and this crowd endorses it.

BRANDON JACOBS: Steve Savoy is coming through the crowd and is telling Artest that they have to go… ARTEST, SAVOY, AND ARTESTITO ARE LEAVING THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR BEFORE SECURITY CAN ARRIVE!

CROWD: ARTEST! ARTEST! ARTEST!

JONATHAN MARX: This has just gotten so out of control.

BRANDON JACOBS: Folks, we have to take a commercial break to clear this all up, but when we comeback, we will have footage of an event that happened earlier today which will change Great Expectations as we know it…. STAY TUNED!