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UNLEASHED 2010: Team ButtTitans vs. The Heirs of Wrestling (c)

RStrawsma

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The Colossal Connection

(CUE UP: “The Inner Galactic Experience” by the Grand Astoria. Russian stoner rock – it doesn’t really get more obscure than that, people.)

(We open up on somebody we haven’t seen in a LONG time – KENNY LOMBARDO, the go-to guy in Empire Pro when you need an on the spot interview. Today, Kenny finds himself summoned to a nondescript locker room in the back of a nondescript training facility in a nondescript little town. The sign on the door has “Team Butt-Titans” crossed out with “Team Sonic Dominators” hastily scrawled beneath it.)

Kenny Lombardo
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen... "K-Lomb" here, and thank you for joining me here today at this training facility just a few miles north of the City of Sin – Las Vegas, Nevada – for an exclusive interview with two men scheduled to appear in tandem at Empire Pro’s upcoming Pay Per View extravaganza UNLEASHED. And not just any two men... but two of the LARGEST competitors to ever grace the EPW ring...

Of course, I’m referring to none other than the duo of “THE SONIC TITAN” IVAN DALKICHEV and “THE BUTT-DOMINATOR” OLVIR ARSVINNAR, who have emerged as the sole challengers to the EPW Tag Team Titles currently held by the Heirs of Wrestling.

Now... Ivan and Olvir haven’t been active in Empire Pro in quite some time. In fact, “The Viking Violator” Arsvinnar hasn’t been in a wrestling ring in over a YEAR, and it was a generally accepted notion that “The Raging Russian” Dalkichev had retired from the sport altogether as his longtime tag partner Erik Black continued his foray as a singles competitor.

So what brings these two GIANTS among men together here and now with Unleashed only weeks away? Well, that’s a good question, and one I hope to answer here in just a few short moments...

(On this last remark, Kenny turns and knocks on the door a couple times. His answer comes in the form of a resounding boom from within.)

ENTER!!

(Lombardo casts a final reluctant glance over his shoulder to the camera as he pulls down on the door handle and steps inside...)

(What he enters is not so much a locker room as it is some exotic shrine interior transplanted all the way from the far east. The only illumination is faint candlelight, and the gray haze of burning incense hangs in the air. Across the room and seated upon a red velvet cushion like a calm, dormant volcano is “THE SONIC TITAN” IVAN DALKICHEV, assuming the lotus position, eyes closed but brow furrowed as though he were in deep contemplation. He looks remarkably slimmed down since the last time he was seen in action, but has in no way lost his immense presence.)

(The reporter approaches the giant with some hesitation...)

Kenny Lombardo
Uh... Ivan...?

(The behemoth’s Arctic blue eyes SNAP OPEN!!)

“The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev
KENNY LOMBARDO!!

(All at once, Mount Dalkichev ERUPTS as the big man shoots from the floor to his feet. Kenny’s eyes roll as Ivan’s nearly seven foot shadow falls over him. Clad in a bright red Japanese yukata robe with a furry Russian ushanka on his crown, the tag team legend looks like some wild multi-cultural abomination.)

Kenny Lombardo
WHOA!! Hey, sorry if I bothered your, uh... your what have you. Did I come at a bad time?

“The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev
No need to apologize, Ken-bardo! Your coming was foretold to me by the COSMIC SAGES of the Beyond...

Kenny Lombardo
Uhh... right.

Anyway, Ivan, the EPW Universe and I were wondering if you would be so kind as to answer a few questions before your match at Unleashed.

(Ivan mulls his options over by tilting his head back an upending a bottle of vodka down his throat, drinking it like your typical athlete would gush down a plastic bottle of water after some strenuous activity. Dalkichev caps off a five-second swill with a roll of his eyes and a wet, satisfying sigh.)

“The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev
Then wonder you shall no more, little man!

Kenny Lombardo
Thanks, Ivan... but first, let me just say how glad I am to see you again after all this time you’ve spent in retirement and obscurity. I have to say, also, you’re looking rather slim! In fact, it almost appears to me that you’re in better shape now than you were in back in the days of the Crimson Calling.

“The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev
Ah, well... that is not surprising, considering I have been living on nothing but strict diet of turnips, canned borscht, and American titty. Such is life of eternal wanderer of distant planes...

Kenny Lombardo
Perhaps you could shed some light on that for us. Last I remembered, you and Erik Black finally won your freedom from the clutches of your former manager, Nathan Fear... and after that, nothing. You up and disappeared with the wind. So, where have you been all this time? Rehab? Fat camp?

“The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev
Bah... to tell you entire story would require many weeks of recounting stories where I travel across planet, encountering many various people, living off the land and spreading my philosophy through pacifism and sage-like wisdom... much like popular episodic series on American TV starring David Carradine.

Kenny Lombardo
You mean like “Kung Fu?”

“The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev
Yes, YES!! Only we call it “SAMBO”... and I am happy to announce, I can still jerk off without rope around my neck.

Kenny Lombardo
Well, that’s a relief to hear...

So... you’ve traveled the world... shaved off some pounds... experienced a multitude of sights and sounds... and suddenly, about a week ago, you’re BACK in the sport of professional wrestling, with a new tag team partner in your corner.

But the question we’re all wanting to know, Ivan... is why have you chosen to come back NOW, at Unleashed 2010? Would I be correct to assume this might have something to do with Erik’s recent legal troubles?

(The big smile on the Russian’s face is all the answer one needs, but just to be sure, Ivan undoes the sash on his robe and pulls it open... revealing the XXX-L t-shirt worn underneath with the words “FREE DOPESMOKER” printed quite defiantly across the chest.)

“The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev
Correct you ARE, Ken-bardo! I will be at Unleashed 2010, because Empire Pro needs REEFER REPRESENTATION! And since my bro BLACK-MASTER-FLASH is currently caught up in “involuntary hiatus” for being too much of a badass than weak Capitalist society could handle, I have decided to walk away from the life of pacifism... I have decided to FIGHT, for the honor of my FRIEND and COMRADE!

I do not need to remind you that Erik and I were the FIRST men to carry the prestigious Tag Team Titles of Empire Pro! Many years ago, as the Crimson Calling, we set the standard for many future tag teams to follow... and in light of DISGUSTING wrongs done to the living Empire Pro LEGEND that is Erik Black, it is only right that RAGE in my Russian blood sets the standard ONCE AGAIN!

This time though... it won’t be done as the Crimson Calling... it won’t even be done as the CHRONIC COLLIZION!!

Kenny Lombardo
What are you proposing then?

(As soon as the question pops out of Kenny’s mouth, “THE BUTT-DOMINATOR” OLVIR ARSVINNAR gallantly bounds into the frame and pops into a heroic pose.)

“The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar
A COLOSSAL CONNECTION!!!

HA HA HA HA!!

(The two towering juggernauts exchange a high-five, sending a peal of thunder through the air. The follow this up with Ivan upending the bottle of vodka once again while Olvir takes a hearty slurp from his mead horn, a sight that leaves the reporter somewhat stunned.)

“The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar
HA-HA...

You see, Kenny of the meager Lumber-Dough... never has the world SEEN such an unstoppable alliance such as that between “THE RAGING RUSSIAN” and “THE VIKING VIOLATOR”! We are undoubtedly the LARGEST, STRONGEST, and MOST ENDOWED men in Empire Pro... and our combined forces will TRAMPLE all opposition in our way to the Tag Team Titles with the FURY and RELENTLESSNESS of a STAMPEDE of MAD BULLS!!

Don’t believe me? Ask any woman, and she will agree: Size DOES matter! HA HA HA HA!!

Kenny Lombardo
So I’ve heard, but... you guys have to be at least somewhat concerned going into the ring against the men that currently carry the EPW Tag Team Titles, the Heirs of Wrestling.

“The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar
The Heirs of Wrestling? BAH!! More like the HAIRS on my YOHANSSEN!! The only reason those WEAK and IMPOTENT FOOLS can carry themselves as “CHAMPIONS” of all tag teams is because they are the ONLY tag team left in Empire Pro!

“The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev
So very true! They strut around with UGLY titles and spit on all that came before and trail-blazed the legacy of Empire Pro’s Tag Team wrestling – a legacy founded by ME, the RAGING RUSSIAN!! And yet, they have not even so much as DEFENDED those titles since Black Dawn!

Kenny Lombardo
Guess you guys have a point there. I mean, the Heirs of Wrestling really have yet to prove themselves as Tag Team Champions, but considering how anemic EPW’s tag team division has been lately, I guess you can’t really blame them. There just haven't been any competitors willing to step up. Until the arrival of you two, anyway.

Who knows... maybe you guys can bring some life back into this tag team division? It would certainly have more to offer than the false promise of the Dangle Brothers...

“The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar
BAH!! EVERYBODY knows that the TRUE “Dangle Brothers” in Empire Pro are Big Daddy Dalkichev here and myself! This isn’t the FIRST TIME the two of us have TAG TEAMED a bunch of ARSE-HOLES!!

For instance, did you know, Lumber-Dough... Ivan and I hold the WORLD RECORD for most professional women’s basketball players EIFFEL TOWERED!?

Kenny Lombardo
Well... I suppose that’s quite impressive, given how tall a lot of female basketball players are.

“The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar
INDEED!! The FURY and PASSION of our HEAVY LOINS leaves no woman on this planet wanting... and as such, the FURY and PASSION of our HEAVY FISTS will leave no man SAFE from our combined WRATH!!

“The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev
You must listen to the man, Ken-Bardo, because he speaks the TRUTH!! Together, Olvir and I [I]VJORK [/I]MANY WOMEN IN ASS!! When the time comes to UNLEASH the Colossal Connection, we will VJORK MANY TAG TEAMS IN ASS!!

Starting with the meager Heirs of Wrestling! Way of Gallo, Frank 'n' Beans, Mack Daddy... it does not matter WHO we fight, because my master of the art of SAMBO and Olvir’s undying BERSERKER FURY will help us to OVERPOWER, and OVERCOME!!

“The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!!

(The two men pop into poses, Ivan doing the stoner gaze and Olvir pimping out the classic Hogan flex. Still somewhat overwhelmed from the sight of two giants pumped up and teeming with testosterone, Kenny Lombardo has decided that he’s had enough.)

Kenny Lombardo
Well gentlemen, the two of you clearly look ready for action. No doubt, the Heirs of Wrestling will be tested formidably in their first defense of the EPW Tag Team Titles.

(He turns his attention back to the camera. The Sonic Dominators behind him are too into what they’re doing to really give a damn at this point.)

Kenny Lombardo
Well there you have it, folks. Enraged by the trouble that has befallen his former tag team partner, “The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev has come BACK to Empire Pro with “The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar to form the brand spanking new Colossal Connection.

Honestly, I haven’t seen a team this big and imposing since Max and Jecht of Blitz. Could we be seeing a new revolution in Empire Pro’s stagnant tag division? You can find out by ordering UNLEASHED 2010, coming to us here in just a few short weeks, and you can see for yourselves the Colossal Connection go up against the champions, the Heirs of Wrestling, for the EPW Tag Team Titles.

Once again, this is Kenny Lombardo, and I’ll see you all again at Unleashed!

(Lombardo takes another look to Ivan and Olvir, who seem lost in a fit of posing, belly-laughing, and high-fiving. Rolling his eyes in an obvious show that he is weirded out by their behavior, he motions to the camera man. The two exit the locker room as the camera fades to black.)
 

Seth

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Re: The Colossal Connection

[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](FADE-IN: Our very own heroes [by which I mean that group of rich, spoiled c*nts known as the Heirs of Wrestling] taking a walk alongside a group of train tracks somewhere in western Washington. Ryan Gallway is off to the side, trying to balance himself along the rails. Mack Brody keeps up the rear as he switches between maneuvering around holes in the side of the tracks and checking himself in his pocket mirror to make sure the goods are still intact. And the camera follows Frank Pierce closely. All three men have their own EPW Tag Team Vanity Belts around their waists while Frank continues to drag the actual EPW Tag Team Title belts across the cold, unforgiving dirt.)[/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK SILVER: Yeah, you couldn't be rid of us that easily, b*tches. I mean, you COULD go ahead and ignore what we're doing. That's okay. I'm sure you can go back to the EPW website and go check out the latest adventures of Stalker being the world's angriest jobber to the stars. You might even want to take a gander at how Anarky's doing in his quest to be the most apathetic #1 contender of all time. Go on, we'll wait...[/FONT]





[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]Thought so. [/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](The camera pans down at the belts continuing to be dragged lifelessly across the muck, a far cry from champions past who have held the revered gold.)[/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: Oh, don't look so shocked. Previous champions have done far worse to this gold than anything we've ever done. I mean, all we've done is use it to prop up the crooked table I have in our wonderful Fall residence in East Philly. The last guys that held these belts, Anthology? They passed these things around like blunts in Erik Black's cellwarming party. And you fans hated those guys, remember? Blitz were jokes, Troy and Sands were overrated, the Highland Park Social Club? Pfft. **** them. I don't even need to namedrop one half of the Dangle Brothers that held these titles. You know, the same Dangle Brothers that REUNITED for the sole purpose of... not wrestling us for the tag team titles. Good lord, I think we have gold not just cause we're the youngest and best group of talent ever assembled. [/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]RYAN GALLWAY: Why does everybody around these parts not care about winning titles? Titles make money and ****. I've been able to furnish about five more scarves from Switzerland. You know, SWITZERLAND. They're made from... Switzerlandonian...ites. [/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]MACK BRODY: Thank you! [/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](Frank simply shakes his head in regards to his fellow wrestlers before he continues.) [/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: Well, anyhow, lest we not forget, this line of mediocrity and idiocy had to have started somewhere. The first champions, Chronic Collision-exclamation point-tilde, – formerly Crimson Calling – were the standard bearer for which all future teams meas... ugh, I feel dirty even just mentioning it. And where else but in wrestling, would the EPW Tag Team Title lineage get started with some Dorito-snarfing stoner college dropout and a five-hundred pound Russian stereotype so God-f*cking-awful, Yakov Smirnov cried himself to sleep at night. That alone tells you why these belts were tarnished YEARS before there was even an Heirs of Wrestling to get #1 ranked tag team in various internet wrestling outlets for six months straight, thus making people forget all about Chronic Collision. [/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](Looking up to the sky, Frank lets out a heavy, heavy sigh, looking incredibly solemn in this moment.)[/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: Daikachev, as much as I would love for you to play in traffic, take nothing away. You and Erik Black WERE a good tag team many moons ago, but time has passed you by. Erik Black is still nursing back injuries from having to carry your gigantic harry ass here, there, and everywhere. While you've been taking your sideshow comedy act elsewhere trying to make some cash to feed your titty addiction, myself, Rye, and Mack over here? We've been doing something pretty productive in my humble opinion. You know. WINNING. GETTING CHAMPIONSHIPS. ROLLING IN MONEY BY THE MILLIONS. It's quite fantastic. [/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]You, Olvir, and Kenny Lombardo tossed around the idea that we were unworthy and unproven champions since we haven't had an actual defense since... Guys, when was it?[/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]RYAN GALLWAY: We beat the unbeatable Anthology? And nobody else stepped to us since?[/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]MACK BRODY: Since Anarky needed Stalker to throw him off a cage in the King of the Cage because he couldn't beat me straight up?[/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: Yeah, around those times. It's not that the champions are unproven. Just ask lots of other places we've competed how we've fared. What you need to look at is everybody else. Who's left here in EPW? NOBODY. We ran them all out of town. They were all afraid to step to us. F*ck, the team of a burnout Russian and a sexed-up Norwegian is basically Dan Ryan pulling names out of a ****ing hat. Colossal Connection? Hardly. Colossal JOKES. You're sideshow attractions. Your sole purpose in this sport is to stand out like sore thumbs and make people laugh. Which is kind of sad because you've both failed massively on that front. [/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](All three men continued to traipse about the tracks heading into the sunset. Gallway shrugs his shoulders.)[/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]RYAN GALLWAY: All I've managed to pick up through the spacewaves is that the respective gene pools of Olvir and Ivan obviously need a f*cking filter. All you are is a pair of mongoloid brokeback ****kickers. And unless you plan on trying to make us laugh to death, 'fraid that sh*t won't cut it, dudes. Mack here has those, too. He can tittydance at speeds of Mach 2. [/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]MACK BRODY: True story. I once did it to “Fire and the Flames” by Dragonforce. On Hard Mode. [/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]RYAN GALLWAY: See, it doesn't matter if Ivan has... I dunno, reefer madness. Certainly doesn't matter that Olvir has Berzerker Fury. We have something that size, clumsiness, and genetic monstrosities just can't beat. [/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](All three Heirs look at one another and laugh.) [/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]HEIRS: TALENT. [/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](All three Heirs continue to walk into the sunset. And so, we fade to bla...)[/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: ...Wait, wait, wait... we were going to go for some kind of allegorical b*tchslap. We left that part out?[/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]RYAN GALLWAY: Oh?[/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: The train thing. Probably something about how we can't be derailed because we're an unstoppable train of collective badassness and sh*t...[/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]MACK BRODY: Oh... right... Or how it didn't matter how much they TRAIN... because we're already great... No?[/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: Stick to enforcer-ing, Mack. Stick to enforcer-ing. [/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](Once again, all three continue to walk into the sunset. Now, let's fade that sh*t to bl...)[/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]MACK BRODY: You know, you should be nicer to me. We're probably going to be using the Brody/Pierce combination since Ryan would get crushed like a bug. [/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]RYAN GALLWAY: **** you! Go tittydance off a cliff![/FONT]


[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](FADE. NOW. PLEASE.)[/FONT]​
 

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