UNLEASHED '08: Cruise/Hiroshi/Hart vs. Crimson Calling & Olvir
- Thread starter DBrunkGXW
- Start date
ShawnHartXXX
The Phenom
FADE IN:
Le Chateau du Phenom in Orlando, Florida. The studio. Noonish.
CUE UP: A DOPE beat, as former Empire Pro Television champion SHAWN HART emerges onto the scene like like a leopard pouncing upon its prey.
SJH: Yo-yo..
He struts up to the camera and assumes the FREESTYLIN' position.
SJH: Check it..
He taps the large, gold clock dangling from his neck and begins to SPIT.
SJH: I'm the microphone MASTA, crashin' ya party-
Clownin' up the EP-Dub, and I'm drunk off Bacardi.
You bettah get your girl, because I'm thirsty about it-
And if ya think I hit that, yo DON'T DOUBT IT!
But I ain't on it to talk about poon-tang-
I'm here to sell ya ticket for my 'rasslin groove thang.
It's the PPV, brah, numbah one UNLEASHED-
Yer boy Shawn Hart and a Scandinavian BEAST.
But that's not all kid, ya best tah check the news-
Cuz I'm marchin' in stride with Mr. CAMERON CRUISE.
And that crazy-ass cat with da masta plan-
Mr. Kin Hiroshi, the MUFFIN MAN!
Together like VOLTRON, our powers UNITE-
To Olvir and the Crimson crew we bring the fight.
It's a brand new era, a brand new game-
We's gonna beat they asses and grow in fame.
Olvir and friends, they on a CHRONIC COLLISION-
I'm gonna pound they asses with unmatched precision.
Cuz it's how I do, son, the Phenom be BALLING-
We gon' KNOCK the Crimson outta their Calling!
Kin, Cam, and Hart. We numbah one SUPREME-
We're gonna check mad b(FCC)tches, n' check mad cream!
That's what it's all about. It's time to make our mark-
On a quest for GLORY we have embarked.
We'll get to the top, boy, that's a guarantee-
We tha FLYEST white boys ya ever did see!
Well, except for Kin, I think he's Asian.
Or it might be his tan, he's of the METRO persuasion!
But it's all good, y'all, he wants to look his best-
He wants to snag some honeys with some melon CHESTS.
It's the life of a champ'een... of a bona fide star-
Winnin' belts and matches, rockin' t(FCC)tty bars!
And it all starts HERE, up on the PAY-PER-VIEW-
Another five star classic for the lot of you.
We ain't gettin' no love, these guys are hardly COMP-
But we're STILL gonna rock it, gonna make ya POP!
So bust out that wallet, break out your thirty bucks-
Cruise, Hart and Hiroshi are gonna run AMOK!
It's how we roll, yo... it's how we do-
We be the three amigos and we're staging a COUP!
The Viking and co. are just step one-
We gon' keep on movin' 'til this thing is DONE.
You wanna take a bite of this visual feast?
Then get off yo ass, and GET UNLEASHED!
Hart does the 'Funky Chicken' then grabs the camera by its lens.
HART: PEACE!
Le Chateau du Phenom in Orlando, Florida. The studio. Noonish.
CUE UP: A DOPE beat, as former Empire Pro Television champion SHAWN HART emerges onto the scene like like a leopard pouncing upon its prey.
SJH: Yo-yo..
He struts up to the camera and assumes the FREESTYLIN' position.
SJH: Check it..
He taps the large, gold clock dangling from his neck and begins to SPIT.
SJH: I'm the microphone MASTA, crashin' ya party-
Clownin' up the EP-Dub, and I'm drunk off Bacardi.
You bettah get your girl, because I'm thirsty about it-
And if ya think I hit that, yo DON'T DOUBT IT!
But I ain't on it to talk about poon-tang-
I'm here to sell ya ticket for my 'rasslin groove thang.
It's the PPV, brah, numbah one UNLEASHED-
Yer boy Shawn Hart and a Scandinavian BEAST.
But that's not all kid, ya best tah check the news-
Cuz I'm marchin' in stride with Mr. CAMERON CRUISE.
And that crazy-ass cat with da masta plan-
Mr. Kin Hiroshi, the MUFFIN MAN!
Together like VOLTRON, our powers UNITE-
To Olvir and the Crimson crew we bring the fight.
It's a brand new era, a brand new game-
We's gonna beat they asses and grow in fame.
Olvir and friends, they on a CHRONIC COLLISION-
I'm gonna pound they asses with unmatched precision.
Cuz it's how I do, son, the Phenom be BALLING-
We gon' KNOCK the Crimson outta their Calling!
Kin, Cam, and Hart. We numbah one SUPREME-
We're gonna check mad b(FCC)tches, n' check mad cream!
That's what it's all about. It's time to make our mark-
On a quest for GLORY we have embarked.
We'll get to the top, boy, that's a guarantee-
We tha FLYEST white boys ya ever did see!
Well, except for Kin, I think he's Asian.
Or it might be his tan, he's of the METRO persuasion!
But it's all good, y'all, he wants to look his best-
He wants to snag some honeys with some melon CHESTS.
It's the life of a champ'een... of a bona fide star-
Winnin' belts and matches, rockin' t(FCC)tty bars!
And it all starts HERE, up on the PAY-PER-VIEW-
Another five star classic for the lot of you.
We ain't gettin' no love, these guys are hardly COMP-
But we're STILL gonna rock it, gonna make ya POP!
So bust out that wallet, break out your thirty bucks-
Cruise, Hart and Hiroshi are gonna run AMOK!
It's how we roll, yo... it's how we do-
We be the three amigos and we're staging a COUP!
The Viking and co. are just step one-
We gon' keep on movin' 'til this thing is DONE.
You wanna take a bite of this visual feast?
Then get off yo ass, and GET UNLEASHED!
Hart does the 'Funky Chicken' then grabs the camera by its lens.
HART: PEACE!
Last edited:
Chronic Caravan
(Fade, and we find ourselves in a lower-rent section of Indianapolis. Graffiti on the sides of buildings, garbage lying in the streets, transients sleeping huddled against dumpsters… it’s the picture-perfect scene of an urban environment. But paying no mind to any of this are “the former ESCAPE ARTIST” Erik Black and “the ex-RAGING RUSSIAN” Ivan Dalkichev, striding into the scene upon an intended destination that is not far ahead.)
(Cue up the 63-minute epic that is “Dopesmoker” by Sleep, or, specifically, about nine minutes into the song where the lyrics begin. Like a Buddhist chant, the lyrics and music drone like a lulling stoner hum that draws in the listener into its psychedelic reverberations.)
“Ddddrroooooooop… oooouuuuuuut of liiiiiifffeee with booooooonnnnggg iiiiiiinnnn hhhaaaaaaannnd…
“Ffollloooooowwww the smooooookke tooooo the rifffff fffiiiiilllleeddd lllllaaaaannnnddd…”
Erik Black
Reggie’s place isn’t far from here, man. We’re one step closer to liberation!
Ivan Dalkichev
WOOHOO, FREEDOM!! A TIME FOR CHANGE!! VOTE OBAMA!!
Erik Black
…dude, he won already. Not like we’re going to have to wait another five years minimum just for the decriminalization issue to be brought up again.
Ivan Dalkichev
Bah…
Erik Black
Get yer head screwed on straight, ‘Van the Man! Unleashed is only a few days away, and we’ve got a lot on our plate. The time draws near for the two of us to make our move and rise against the power-hungry authority trying to hold us down!
And let’s not forget about that simply ridiculous six-man tag team match we happen to be booked in…
Ivan Dalkichev
Oh, right… that’s sure to be a cluster-vjork.
Erik Black
It’s just one of the many reasons why we’ve set out on this caravan. WE should be choosing who WE want to fight, but because the Boss is so completely bought in on his own power trip, he thinks he has the right to make all the decisions. He didn’t even consult with us when he decided to sign us to those open contracts, and now we’re all but forced to compete against the team of Hiroshi, Hart, and Cruise…
…not to mention tag with that Viking whose always on speed.
Ivan Dalkichev
Grrr…
Erik Black
Oh yeah… I can’t quite ignore the fact that said Viking sorta deflated your idea for a “Cossack Porn” genre all those years back. No doubt, there will be some tension over in our corner once the two of you guys get put together.
Believe me, I had my run with that guy back in that very strange period in my life when I was under the impression that I could lead a career outside the ring and was just being baptized in the Rays of the New Stoner Sun Rising. He’s a unique one, for sure. I remember one time bailing him out of jail after he got into it with a small army of Elvis impersonators.
I know from first-hand experience that the man can do more than hold his own in a match. There really hasn’t been a talent like him to hit the scene with such explosive dominance and charisma. But the fact of the matter is that he’s unpredictable, and as a partner, more of an asset than a liability. For all we know, he could just as easily cost us the match the minute he spots some tail standing in the front row and decides to just walk out on us just so he could add another notch to his belt… err, furry britches, or what have you.
Ivan Dalkichev
BAH! Forget the stupid Viking! Nobody can live up to our undeniable AWESOMENESS in the ring!
Erik Black
Now Ivan… we shouldn’t take our opponents lightly. Let’s just remember who we’re dealing with: “The Muffin Man” Kin Hiroshi… “The Phenom” Shawn Hart… and Cameron “Checker of Realities People Just… Don’t… Like” Cruise. That’s a power trio the likes of which we haven’t seen since the early days of Electric Wizard.
I mean, sure… even though none of them has made it to the top of the EPW ladder, despite the fact that there’s a plethora of career accomplishments among them… we can’t forget their individual strengths.
Nobody can deny that Cameron Cruise made an impact on this federation after Joey Melton single-handedly carried him through their title reign before leaving him hanging to pursue other interests…
Let’s also not forget that Kin Hiroshi turns heads every time he makes an amazing return, before shortly disappearing again without having accomplished much more than pounding out another load to his fantasies of Lindsay Troy…
And we can’t simply overlook that the furthest Shawn Hart’s made it in EPW is a year-long stint with the fed’s low-carder belt…
Why, when you consider all that, obviously they’re expected to be one of the most dominant alliances to ever…
(He stops himself from saying anything further.)
Erik Black
Wait a minute…
…forget I said anything. Kinda shot down my own argument there.
Look, regardless of who they are, these guys threw down these open contracts thinking they could get a bit more exposure than the mid-card mediocrity they’ve been stuck with for the past few years of their careers by beating anybody dumb enough to sign up. But you and I are going to show those jack-offs that we aren’t the supplementary talent on this roster dragged out to give someone else the rub. We had our fill of that over in A-1 Ego-tainment, thank you very much…
I don’t know about you, ‘Van, but I, for one, am getting tired of such treatment. I’m getting tired of being written off as an idiot stoner with my crowd-popping performance being completely overlooked. I’m tired of the two of us not getting the RESPECT we deserve for being EPW’s FIRST tag team champions. We aren’t walking into this just to be stepping stones for three guys who just now decided to put their second-rate talent together in a feeble attempt to climb the proverbial hierarchal ladder… nor are we the brute squad for some megalomaniac who thinks we’re the platform for his lame-ass Commie pseudo-philosphy. That’s why at Unleashed, the gloves come off…
(They come to a stop outside an ivy-covered garage. There’s a light on inside, and we come to understand that it’s more of a personal living space than an actual carport.)
Erik Black
At last, we’ve arrived at our destination!
Ivan Dalkichev
Cool… I like how convenient that is.
Erik Black
What’s that?
Ivan Dalkichev
How as soon as we’re done talking on the subject of our match, the promo just moves on into the next scene with perfect timing.
Erik Black
Yeah, I noticed that happens quite a bit. And yes, it is quite convenient. Let’s see if he’s home.
(They approach the large retractable door and Erik heralds his coming with a few raps.)
Erik Black
Yo Reggie, you home!?
(We hear some movement from within, and the side door eventually opens up. A thin, greasy man emerges and flashes a yellow-toothed grin.)
Reggie the Dealer
Erik Black, on the attack! Sup, my man?
Erik Black
How’s it goin’, Reggie? Thanks for “helping us out.”
Reggie the Dealer
Ain’t a problem, bro. Just step into my office…
(They follow him in, but the camera doesn’t, keeping a exterior shot of the garage as we continue to hear the men inside.)
Erik Black
Christ, Reggie, don’t you clean in here?
Reggie the Dealer
Oh, that. That’s the mess Warrior left behind when he stopped by earlier today to pick up his blow.
You got the cash?
Erik Black
‘Van…
Ivan Dalkichev
Oh, right.
Reggie the Dealer
Thanks… awright, here you have it. And you just wanted one?
Erik Black
It should be enough if it’s as good as you say it is.
Reggie the Dealer
Right… kind of a far cry from your regular half an ounce per week.
Erik Black
Meh… call it “experimentation.”
Ivan Dalkichev
Or LIBERATION!!
Reggie the Dealer
Oh yes, believe me… this stuff will liberate you from MANY things. But be sure to split that up. It’s pretty potent stuff. You take it all at once, and you’ll go on a trip you just might not come back from.
Erik Black
…good to know. Thank you, Reggie.
Reggie the Dealer
You guys want to light up before you take off?
Erik Black
We’d love to, but… we still got some business to take care of.
Reggie the Dealer
Fair enough. Stop by any time, fellas!
(The door pops open, and the duo emerge once again, with Black stuffing something into his pants.)
Ivan Dalkichev
“Business?”
Erik Black
That’s right, ‘Van.
Now listen to me… I know you hate his guts, but in order for us to succeed at Unleashed, we have to meet Olvir face-to-face in order to ensure he’s on the same page as us.
Ivan Dalkichev
Hmph… fine.
Erik Black
Alrighty… let’s continue this caravan.
(They step out of frame as “Dopesmoker” drones in once again.)
“Proceeds the Weedian… NAZARETH.”
(Fade, and we find ourselves in a lower-rent section of Indianapolis. Graffiti on the sides of buildings, garbage lying in the streets, transients sleeping huddled against dumpsters… it’s the picture-perfect scene of an urban environment. But paying no mind to any of this are “the former ESCAPE ARTIST” Erik Black and “the ex-RAGING RUSSIAN” Ivan Dalkichev, striding into the scene upon an intended destination that is not far ahead.)
(Cue up the 63-minute epic that is “Dopesmoker” by Sleep, or, specifically, about nine minutes into the song where the lyrics begin. Like a Buddhist chant, the lyrics and music drone like a lulling stoner hum that draws in the listener into its psychedelic reverberations.)
“Ddddrroooooooop… oooouuuuuuut of liiiiiifffeee with booooooonnnnggg iiiiiiinnnn hhhaaaaaaannnd…
“Ffollloooooowwww the smooooookke tooooo the rifffff fffiiiiilllleeddd lllllaaaaannnnddd…”
Erik Black
Reggie’s place isn’t far from here, man. We’re one step closer to liberation!
Ivan Dalkichev
WOOHOO, FREEDOM!! A TIME FOR CHANGE!! VOTE OBAMA!!
Erik Black
…dude, he won already. Not like we’re going to have to wait another five years minimum just for the decriminalization issue to be brought up again.
Ivan Dalkichev
Bah…
Erik Black
Get yer head screwed on straight, ‘Van the Man! Unleashed is only a few days away, and we’ve got a lot on our plate. The time draws near for the two of us to make our move and rise against the power-hungry authority trying to hold us down!
And let’s not forget about that simply ridiculous six-man tag team match we happen to be booked in…
Ivan Dalkichev
Oh, right… that’s sure to be a cluster-vjork.
Erik Black
It’s just one of the many reasons why we’ve set out on this caravan. WE should be choosing who WE want to fight, but because the Boss is so completely bought in on his own power trip, he thinks he has the right to make all the decisions. He didn’t even consult with us when he decided to sign us to those open contracts, and now we’re all but forced to compete against the team of Hiroshi, Hart, and Cruise…
…not to mention tag with that Viking whose always on speed.
Ivan Dalkichev
Grrr…
Erik Black
Oh yeah… I can’t quite ignore the fact that said Viking sorta deflated your idea for a “Cossack Porn” genre all those years back. No doubt, there will be some tension over in our corner once the two of you guys get put together.
Believe me, I had my run with that guy back in that very strange period in my life when I was under the impression that I could lead a career outside the ring and was just being baptized in the Rays of the New Stoner Sun Rising. He’s a unique one, for sure. I remember one time bailing him out of jail after he got into it with a small army of Elvis impersonators.
I know from first-hand experience that the man can do more than hold his own in a match. There really hasn’t been a talent like him to hit the scene with such explosive dominance and charisma. But the fact of the matter is that he’s unpredictable, and as a partner, more of an asset than a liability. For all we know, he could just as easily cost us the match the minute he spots some tail standing in the front row and decides to just walk out on us just so he could add another notch to his belt… err, furry britches, or what have you.
Ivan Dalkichev
BAH! Forget the stupid Viking! Nobody can live up to our undeniable AWESOMENESS in the ring!
Erik Black
Now Ivan… we shouldn’t take our opponents lightly. Let’s just remember who we’re dealing with: “The Muffin Man” Kin Hiroshi… “The Phenom” Shawn Hart… and Cameron “Checker of Realities People Just… Don’t… Like” Cruise. That’s a power trio the likes of which we haven’t seen since the early days of Electric Wizard.
I mean, sure… even though none of them has made it to the top of the EPW ladder, despite the fact that there’s a plethora of career accomplishments among them… we can’t forget their individual strengths.
Nobody can deny that Cameron Cruise made an impact on this federation after Joey Melton single-handedly carried him through their title reign before leaving him hanging to pursue other interests…
Let’s also not forget that Kin Hiroshi turns heads every time he makes an amazing return, before shortly disappearing again without having accomplished much more than pounding out another load to his fantasies of Lindsay Troy…
And we can’t simply overlook that the furthest Shawn Hart’s made it in EPW is a year-long stint with the fed’s low-carder belt…
Why, when you consider all that, obviously they’re expected to be one of the most dominant alliances to ever…
(He stops himself from saying anything further.)
Erik Black
Wait a minute…
…forget I said anything. Kinda shot down my own argument there.
Look, regardless of who they are, these guys threw down these open contracts thinking they could get a bit more exposure than the mid-card mediocrity they’ve been stuck with for the past few years of their careers by beating anybody dumb enough to sign up. But you and I are going to show those jack-offs that we aren’t the supplementary talent on this roster dragged out to give someone else the rub. We had our fill of that over in A-1 Ego-tainment, thank you very much…
I don’t know about you, ‘Van, but I, for one, am getting tired of such treatment. I’m getting tired of being written off as an idiot stoner with my crowd-popping performance being completely overlooked. I’m tired of the two of us not getting the RESPECT we deserve for being EPW’s FIRST tag team champions. We aren’t walking into this just to be stepping stones for three guys who just now decided to put their second-rate talent together in a feeble attempt to climb the proverbial hierarchal ladder… nor are we the brute squad for some megalomaniac who thinks we’re the platform for his lame-ass Commie pseudo-philosphy. That’s why at Unleashed, the gloves come off…
(They come to a stop outside an ivy-covered garage. There’s a light on inside, and we come to understand that it’s more of a personal living space than an actual carport.)
Erik Black
At last, we’ve arrived at our destination!
Ivan Dalkichev
Cool… I like how convenient that is.
Erik Black
What’s that?
Ivan Dalkichev
How as soon as we’re done talking on the subject of our match, the promo just moves on into the next scene with perfect timing.
Erik Black
Yeah, I noticed that happens quite a bit. And yes, it is quite convenient. Let’s see if he’s home.
(They approach the large retractable door and Erik heralds his coming with a few raps.)
Erik Black
Yo Reggie, you home!?
(We hear some movement from within, and the side door eventually opens up. A thin, greasy man emerges and flashes a yellow-toothed grin.)
Reggie the Dealer
Erik Black, on the attack! Sup, my man?
Erik Black
How’s it goin’, Reggie? Thanks for “helping us out.”
Reggie the Dealer
Ain’t a problem, bro. Just step into my office…
(They follow him in, but the camera doesn’t, keeping a exterior shot of the garage as we continue to hear the men inside.)
Erik Black
Christ, Reggie, don’t you clean in here?
Reggie the Dealer
Oh, that. That’s the mess Warrior left behind when he stopped by earlier today to pick up his blow.
You got the cash?
Erik Black
‘Van…
Ivan Dalkichev
Oh, right.
Reggie the Dealer
Thanks… awright, here you have it. And you just wanted one?
Erik Black
It should be enough if it’s as good as you say it is.
Reggie the Dealer
Right… kind of a far cry from your regular half an ounce per week.
Erik Black
Meh… call it “experimentation.”
Ivan Dalkichev
Or LIBERATION!!
Reggie the Dealer
Oh yes, believe me… this stuff will liberate you from MANY things. But be sure to split that up. It’s pretty potent stuff. You take it all at once, and you’ll go on a trip you just might not come back from.
Erik Black
…good to know. Thank you, Reggie.
Reggie the Dealer
You guys want to light up before you take off?
Erik Black
We’d love to, but… we still got some business to take care of.
Reggie the Dealer
Fair enough. Stop by any time, fellas!
(The door pops open, and the duo emerge once again, with Black stuffing something into his pants.)
Ivan Dalkichev
“Business?”
Erik Black
That’s right, ‘Van.
Now listen to me… I know you hate his guts, but in order for us to succeed at Unleashed, we have to meet Olvir face-to-face in order to ensure he’s on the same page as us.
Ivan Dalkichev
Hmph… fine.
Erik Black
Alrighty… let’s continue this caravan.
(They step out of frame as “Dopesmoker” drones in once again.)
“Proceeds the Weedian… NAZARETH.”
ShawnHartXXX
The Phenom
Re: Chronic Caravan
FADE IN: The Ghetto - Midnight.
CUE UP: A slammin' hip-hop beat.
CLOSE ON: The Phenom of Empire Pro as he steps to the forefront and begins to drop SCIENCE.
HART: I walk with a strut, paparazzi be hawkin'-
Sizin' me up straight out as I'm talkin'.
A wrestling icon, rockin' yo Tee Vee-
All y'all JACKHOLES is wantin' tah be me.
I get in ya mind, put your wits to the test-
But despite what you say, y'know ya got respect.
For tha S-J-H on the M-I-C-
And that Phenom, kid, when he hits the ring.
Ivan n' Black, boy, they play like they diss me-
But if they got me alone, I bet they'd try to kiss me.
Bend me over the ring ropes, get all up on my rumper-
Lube that (FCC)tch up and proceed to pump 'er.
I really can't blame their homosexual tip-
I've got sinuous curves; child-bearing hips.
I mean, I'm flattered guys.. I really am-
But I prefer a Sally over Sam.
I don't hate gays, I jus' don't find y'all attractive-
I avoid the penis like its radioactive.
'Cept that one time in Vegas, I think her name was Snapple.
I wanted her juice, forget that Adam's apple!
Nobody's perfect, why you gotsta hate?
So what if she reminded me of Norman Bates.
There was just somethin' about her, you should seen that girl dance-
Although I was curious about that big bulge in her pants.
But enough about her. Let's try to stay on topic-
About why you feel the need to be misanthropic.
When you know, deep down, I'm your aspiration.
The numbah one target of your admiration.
I mean, this ain't grade school. No need to pull my pig tails.
I know you's jus' frontin' for pay-per-view sales.
It's all good though, you wanna be like that?
We'll see how y'all is when yo face hits the mat.
We coulda hung out, we shoulda been homies-
But instead you came out like a couple'a phonies.
I know y'all love me, I see the looks in your eyes-
When you're sleepin' at night, you dream of my thighs.
They're so smooth n' so meaty, I really can't blame you.
I'm a friend to the gays, no need to defame you.
But for talkin' that sh(FCC)T, something must be done.
When we meet on UNLEASHED, I WON'T be outdone!
But hey, it's all good, cuz after we grapple-
I know a girl you might like, I think her name's Snapple.
Just give her a chance now, her voice might be deep.
But she'll give you a hummer in the back of your Jeep.
And if you ask me, you'll need it after we face-
Cuz when you're leavin that ring, you'll be leavin' disgraced.
I'll be breakin' yo faces like I'm breakin' your hearts.
I'm the King Killer CAP Peeler, Big SHAWN HART!
PEACE!
FADE.
FADE IN: The Ghetto - Midnight.
CUE UP: A slammin' hip-hop beat.
CLOSE ON: The Phenom of Empire Pro as he steps to the forefront and begins to drop SCIENCE.
HART: I walk with a strut, paparazzi be hawkin'-
Sizin' me up straight out as I'm talkin'.
A wrestling icon, rockin' yo Tee Vee-
All y'all JACKHOLES is wantin' tah be me.
I get in ya mind, put your wits to the test-
But despite what you say, y'know ya got respect.
For tha S-J-H on the M-I-C-
And that Phenom, kid, when he hits the ring.
Ivan n' Black, boy, they play like they diss me-
But if they got me alone, I bet they'd try to kiss me.
Bend me over the ring ropes, get all up on my rumper-
Lube that (FCC)tch up and proceed to pump 'er.
I really can't blame their homosexual tip-
I've got sinuous curves; child-bearing hips.
I mean, I'm flattered guys.. I really am-
But I prefer a Sally over Sam.
I don't hate gays, I jus' don't find y'all attractive-
I avoid the penis like its radioactive.
'Cept that one time in Vegas, I think her name was Snapple.
I wanted her juice, forget that Adam's apple!
Nobody's perfect, why you gotsta hate?
So what if she reminded me of Norman Bates.
There was just somethin' about her, you should seen that girl dance-
Although I was curious about that big bulge in her pants.
But enough about her. Let's try to stay on topic-
About why you feel the need to be misanthropic.
When you know, deep down, I'm your aspiration.
The numbah one target of your admiration.
I mean, this ain't grade school. No need to pull my pig tails.
I know you's jus' frontin' for pay-per-view sales.
It's all good though, you wanna be like that?
We'll see how y'all is when yo face hits the mat.
We coulda hung out, we shoulda been homies-
But instead you came out like a couple'a phonies.
I know y'all love me, I see the looks in your eyes-
When you're sleepin' at night, you dream of my thighs.
They're so smooth n' so meaty, I really can't blame you.
I'm a friend to the gays, no need to defame you.
But for talkin' that sh(FCC)T, something must be done.
When we meet on UNLEASHED, I WON'T be outdone!
But hey, it's all good, cuz after we grapple-
I know a girl you might like, I think her name's Snapple.
Just give her a chance now, her voice might be deep.
But she'll give you a hummer in the back of your Jeep.
And if you ask me, you'll need it after we face-
Cuz when you're leavin that ring, you'll be leavin' disgraced.
I'll be breakin' yo faces like I'm breakin' your hearts.
I'm the King Killer CAP Peeler, Big SHAWN HART!
PEACE!
FADE.