* A very basic fade-in reveals a television and VCR. A tape is cued up, and paused. As soon as the fade-in is complete, the tape is played. *
TRIUMPH THE INSULT DOG: For me to poop on!
* The screen fades to Conan O'Brien behind his desk shaking his head. He looks at the camera. *
CONAN: When we return, if we are allowed to return, my guest will be GXW superstar, muffin tycoon, and director Kin Hiroshi. Stick around...
* A Ford commercial starts to play, and the tape is fast-forwarded. The tape goes thru a local new commercial, a Mach 3 ad, and an AOL promo. The tape plays just as Conan's face reappears. *
CONAN: My guest right now is a professional wrestler for GXW as well as a self-made millionaire. He has directed a film, and endorses children's toys. You can see him on GXW shows OnSlaught, Revolution, and X-Perience. Ladies and gentlemen, Kin Hiroshi.
* The Max Weinberg 7 play a big band version of Tesla's "Last Action Hero" as a smiling, and waving Hiroshi makes his way to the couch. Conan and Kin bow to each other and shake hands. Kin sits, and waves to the crowd. *
KIN HIROSHI: Wow, thanks for having me back.
CONAN: No problem. Last time you were here, you were promoting your directorial debut, "White Midgets Can't Jump." How did that go?
KIN: It's more of a cult-classic than a major money maker. Only my family bought it, I think.
* Both men chuckle. *
CONAN: They are trying to keep SOME honor in the family. Heh...
KIN: Something like that.
CONAN: So, on to current business, you have an upcoming Battle Royal match to determine who get's the next Television Title shot, right?
KIN: Something like that.
CONAN: Great, because I just read from a cue card, and have no clue really what that means...
KIN: Basically, a bunch of guys get in the ring and beat the hell out of each other. One at a time the men are eliminated, by being thrown over the top rope until only one man remains in the ring. The stipulation of this battle royal is that the winner gets a shot at the TV title at the upcoming PPV.
CONAN: Okay, so it's like a city bus, except you want to be the last man in.
KIN: Exactly. I'm going up against five other talented men. In fact, a guy named Reaver held the title before I won it and beat me before. Not that I'm concerned, just on my guard.
CONAN: I understand why, those guys gotta outweight you by a good 50 pounds. No offense, I'm sure you could kick my lanky Irish butt, but you gotta be around 200 pounds yourself.
KIN: Right around the 220 mark, actually. I'm considered a lightweight, or Cruiserweight, but I can hang with the big dogs too.
CONAN: As their play toy?
KIN: No, no. I usually get tossed around pretty good, but I can hold my own against them if needed.
CONAN: Right on. Want to show me a move or something really quick?
KIN: Okay, I could do that. On you, or a stunt double?
CONAN: I'll opt for the stunt double.
* The crowd cheers as Kin stands and removes his jacket. The stunt double makes his way out from behind a curtain, and positions himself next to Kin as Conan watches from the desk. *
KIN: Now, a lot of people question whether punches are pulled, and what not. Let me demonstrate a proper chop.
* Kin winds up and chops the unsuspecting stunt double across the chest resulting in a loud slap and a cheer from the audience. Half of the crowd OOOooo's and the other half laughs hysterically. The stunt double doubles over in pain. He stands, and lifts his shirt up revealing a beat red chest. *
KIN: See what I mean? Tough stuff.
* Conan's jaw has dropped, and his hands cover his pecs. Kin makes his way back up to the couch, and Conan scoots away from him. Both men laugh again, and Conan comes back. *
CONAN: Jeez! That looked like it hurt, and you guys do that to each other day after day?
CONAN: That, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am a comedian and talkshow host. I only have to worry about getting hit like that when I go home to my wife.
It's been great having you. You can catch Kin Hiroshi on GXW television's shows OnSlaught, X-Perience, and Revolution as well as their Pay Per View events. Stick around when my next guest is the lovely Sarah Jessica Parker.
* The camera shot zooms out as the show goes to commerical. The tape is stopped, and Kin Hiroshi takes a seat in front of the stopped video. *
KIN: Sure, I put on a show for O'Brien, but I have no reason to hide on GXW's airtime. You see at OnSlaught, I dive head on into the ring with Ricky Gant, Eric Gibson, Reaver, Devon Slayton, and Cole Steele. All of these men bring something: from Gant's "Last Word" to Reaver's past with me. Even Cole Steele and Kin Hiroshi date back to EWI when both of us were members of the Super Sport Network's Elite Team headed by Eddy Love.
I fear nothing from these men. Ricky Gant is a talentless meat head. He likes to throw his opponents around as they scurry for safety, but not me. I like the challenge, and Gant doesn't scare me. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
Debbie Gibson can hit the high notes, but will finish the night on a low note. Obviously he hasn't held ENOUGH titles, so he has to come to GXW for a few more to add to his already forgetable list. Not to say I haven't held titles, but good Lord, Gibson! Couldn't you at least hold a title long enough to savor it before looking for the next one?
Kind of like Reaver and his million moves. I would go through and name them all, but that would be like Johnny Styles naming all the men he's slept with...the list is too long to repeat. What else can I say about Reaver that I haven't already? Exactly.
How about Slayton? Son to Reaver. A fellow Seattlite. I don't have MUCH against Slayton, except that Reaver's blood runs through his veins. Slayton has some croonies I gotta watch out for, but that isn't a big deal. They might be big, but they can't be any bigger than any of the other men in this match. Slayton is the closest man to my own size, and will be the biggest push over in the match. I'll watch him, but no need to watch him once he goes over the top rope to the floor.
Finally, Cole Steele. I got nothing against Steele, honestly. I wrestled on his side back in our EWI/SSN days, as I'm sure Erik Zieba no doubt remembers. But those aren't all good memories. I was suckered in by bright lights and money. Not anymore though. Only money can get my soft spot now.
Sure, I have all the money in the world, but only beating men physically and verbally can I truely be happy.
These men DO outweigh me. 242 lbs., 232 lbs., 272 lbs., 268 lbs., and 285 lbs. Me? I'm a solid 220 lbs. with a strong heart and a stronger head. No doubt these men can toss me around. Sure, I'm more than likely going to end up the laughing stock of the entire match, but I can pull it out, and when I do it will prove to the GXW bookers and staff that I can run with the big boys and I can be a World Champion.
But Johnny Styles seems to think otherwise. That ingrateful man whore. Where is he going in his GXW career? Nowhere, f**king nowhere. Hell, my friend the Asian Prince has even come out of the closet for a chance with Styles...if Julius D. Licious ever gets his d**k out of Styles' ass.
Styles thinks he can jump me and get away with it? Hell, son, I was going to beat you backstage for talking trash about me, but couldn't find you, and you're lucky because my fist was looking to do some talking for me.
At OnSlaught, no matter who comes at me, I'm ready for it. Whether I monkey flip your ass out of the ring, double team your ass out of the ring, or superkick your head over the top rope, I will prevail.
* Kin smiles and stands up. *
KIN: Now, let the monkeys start their yapping, cause I can handle your guys' peanut gallery...
(Fade into the streets of New Jersey, namely the stoop of 351 North Hamilton-that's where we see the form of the "Sandman" Devon Slayton, he is already dressed in his usual wrestling gear as of late with his dyed purple dreadlocks hanging over his face, looking at nothing as he begins to speak)
Devon: You know something, I've been in this federation ever since May of this year and I'm used more than I ever was in Superior Championship Wrestling, but not as enough as I was used in the Omega Wrestling Alliance...but that's besides the point. My point is that in a few short days, I will be standing in the ring with some of the past stars of this sport along with one of the newer ones...but you can honestly ask me if I give a rat's ass. You see, I've fought both The "Marauder" Eric Gibson and my own father in the past...but people like Kin Hiroshi, Cole Steele and Ricky Gant, I haven't fought any of them. I've heard even stranger news as both Steele has pulled out due to prior arrangments with SCW and my own father has pulled out due to "personal issues" which will be brought up at the Fallout pay-per-view. But, that leaves myself, Gant, Gibson and Hiroshi...oh, the joys that brings to my sick heart. But, let me start from the highest ranking goof and work my way down to the shittest Oompa Loompa.
First we have the "Rant" Ricky Gant, a new comer from UCSW or something like that. I don't know him at all and nor do I care to. He works with the "Truth" Tommy Rage or something like that and he's got some big goof called "Token" in his corner. They sneaked attacked Devon Jackson after his first match here in GXW and now Jackson is gone, bored of useless talent like Gant and Rage. Gant, I'm one of the top Crusiers here in GXW and now I'm being put up for a shot at the GXW Television championship-a title that's been held by such wrestlers as Kin Hiroshi, Nate "Zero" Logan, The "Career Ender" Chris Lehew and yes, even my father and now some stoner by the name of "Boogie Smallz". Gant, I have the touch of the Devil at my disposal and if you wish to see if, then get in my way child.
Now we come to a former champion here in GXW, namely you Kin Hiroshi. Former GXW Cruiserweight and Television champion. Kin, me and you both have a couple of things in common. One-we've both wrestled in Japan, Two-we're both Cruiserweights and the most important Third one-We both hate my father. So hey, we've got a lot in common...despite the fact that you're in my way to the GXW Television title, old man. So, at Onslaught-get ready to feel the effects of being blinded by the lights over head...because in the end that's all you're going to be seeing.
(Devon stands up, his face still covered by the dreadlocks)
Devon: Now we come to you, Eric Gibson. The "Marauder", the so called "Gothic War Machine" and one of my father's best friends. Eric, do you understand what it means to be back in the wrestling world? That means that's more time away from my aunt Melissa that you should be spending with her. You're a "Road Agent" for GXW, which means you're not supposed to be wrestling period...old man. So, why the hell are you standing in my world for? When I first started to learn how to wrestle, you said I couldn't do it, that my blood wasn't strong enough. Bullshit, Uncle Eric, I've got more talent than you ever will and to prove it, I'm going to pin you within the first three minutes of the match just to prove my point. I liked you once when you beat that punk Matt Morris for the SCW title back in 1998, but now you're time has come and gone and it's time for people like me to take over. Sorry, but the Rogue Horsemen days are over and the days of the Forsaken have arrived. So, you can come down to the ring with "Deeper into you" blaring away with that fancy pyro of your's and you can stand at six feet six inches and look all big and bad, but in the end...you're just another victim...
(Eric throws his head back, revealling his face for the first time to GXW cameras in over three months. His good looks are overcasted with a more harsh look to them as it looks like he hasn't shaved since the last time we saw him)
Devon: Kin, Ricky and Eric...at the Onslaught TV battle royal, I'm going to find out from each of you if you're down with the sickness or not...until then, pleseant nightmares...
(Fade into the steps in front of the arena where Onslaught is going to be held-that's where we see Devon Slayton, the "Sandman" again. He is wearing black nylon cargo pants with blue trim, a Bubba Ray bowling shirt and black boots. His hair is not handing over his face this time and we can clearly see the anger that's etched into his face even though his eyes are closed)
Devon: You know something, It's been two days since I last spoke to any of you and I can clearly see that nothing has changed. None of you have answered what I've said and that leads me to think that you're not taking anything seriously. So, this is what I propose-Erik Zieba give me the shot at Boogie Smallz at Fallout out of default because of the lack of responses..but at any rate, I'm going to address each member of my opponents again.
(Devon holds up a hand with three fingers up on it, he lowers the first finger)
Devon: Kin Hiroshi, former Cruiserweight and Television champion of GXW and now climbing back up the ladder. A member of Team CSWA with Cameron Cruise. Kin, not only is my father right is saying that you should out EZ and Victora McCrave, but you've also insulted me by helping that piece of crap called Cameron Cruise. I know I should respect my elders, but why should I respect someone who has no talent like Cruise. You on the other hand have the talent needed to be a champion anywhere-so why don't you go and be a champion over in CSWA and leave the titles like the Cruiserweight, Television and Unified Heavyweight to the next generation of GXW superstars...like me.
(Devon lowers the next finger)
Devon: Ricky Gant, the "Rant". It took some doing by my fellow members of the Forsaken, but I finally found some of your old matches on tape...and boy do those things stink. I don't know how you can claim to be a wrestler with that kind of wrestling style Ricky and no, Lucy is not here to be your bubba-lo, so that is right out. I know you're probally going to have Token interfer in the match, but if that happens-then at the next show, me and my fellows are going to have fun with your sorry hides one way or another.
(Devon lowers the third and final finger and opens his eyes for the first time during the promo)
Devon: And finally, we come to you Uncle Eric...the so called "Marauder" and also the so called "Gothic War Machine". Eric, I really don't care if you're this great legendary "thing" or not. What I do care about is that you're in my way to the top of any division here in GXW and like I've said before, to me you're just another victim-wether your family or not. So, I want you to doubly make sure that you're ready for our match at Onslaught because I know you're not even in the right frame of mind for our match at the show here in East Rutherford, so why don't you not even show up.
(Devon starts to walk up the steps towards the arena, but he turns around and looks hard at the camera)
Devon: Oh, and if you think that you're down with the sickness...then think again, children because you're about to take the wrestling course from hell, courtsey of the "Sandman" Devon Slayton of the Forsaken...See you later.
(Devon continues up the stairs to the arena as we fade out with "Bombshell" by PM5K playing)
(The scene opens to “The Rant” Ricky Gant sitting in a backstage area, with lockers surrounding him. He’s wearing a plain black t-shirt.)
“The Rant” Ricky Gant: First and foremost I’d like to apologize to all of the fans that were looking for my appearance on Oprah, The O’Reilly Factor or even Conan O’Brien. I mean after all who wouldn’t expect a wrestler who is involved in a four way match buried into the middle of a third string card of the GXW to be given some time on some talk show. I know the whole idea sounds preposterous. Oh wait, someone claims they were on it. Even showed a “video tape” of it? Guess badly done impersonations on video tape is the new rage in wrestling. No I believe you that you were really on late night television. I will give some credit though to that train wreck, the jokes that were told by “Conan” might have been a little better than his real material. Not much of a compliment, considering that his usual material has been clinically proven to increase suicide attempts. I’d comment on the rest of his drivel, but does anyone take the guy seriously? I guess I should, I mean after all he’s been on “Conan”.
Kim or Kin or whatever the skirt’s name is better learn a lesson real quick. You may think that I’m a meat head who just likes to push around people, but you are destined to learn quickly that puppets, fake Conan stunt doubles and a mild karate chop may ohhh and ahh a paid audience, but when you step into the ring with me and these other clowns you are going to learn a lesson on what the Rant is really all about.
Then we have Devon Slayton, the mastermind of professional wrestling. See he was able to track down some of my old matches, so he must be a genius. Thanks for pointing out that obvious that you’d try to research an opponent a little bit. Better be careful though, such insider information like that may cause an uproar in the world of professional wrestling. We may wind up letting the marks know too much about our business. By the way I find it utterly amusing that he makes it seem like a treasure hunt to find some of my old matches. Was Best Buy sold out of the Best of Gant volumes one and two? Or with all of your CSWA references to that Kimmy skirt did you not even know enough about that promotion to know how much time I spent in Greensboro?
You know what the only thing more impressive than him hunting down some of my old matches from the four corners of the globe? The ability to throw an I Love Lucy take into the mix. Bravo. Show’s only what forty, fifty years old? Way to be relevant while talking about the next generation. Turn off the Nick at Night and study some more tapes because someday, just maybe someday you’ll be a complete pro wrestler who doesn’t suck ass when on the mic. And just to give you some wood, do you need some ‘splaining?
Oh geez, just when I thought it was safe to turn on television to hopefully catch the Conan show to see if he’s got the jobber du jour appearing and we have a second and equally painful little soundbite from our best buddy Devon Slayton. If I was as witty as he is, maybe I could make a saved by the bell reference or something as utterly cool as I Love Lucy. At least this time he’s kept the razor sharp wit in check and instead wants to give my bio. Nevermind that he knows nothing about me or where I came from, that never stops people from flapping gums. USCW, I’ve heard it’s good. I’ve heard that everyone should check it out. But I’m not involved with it at all. Ironic that he claims that he doesn’t know me and doesn’t want too, but says so right after discussing where I supposedly came from and only a few minutes removed from discussing the extensive library of match history that he’s developed on me.
And people wonder why GXW stars only wind up on Conan instead of Dave Letterman.
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