A Criticism of the Modern Wrestling "Star"
(FADEIN to what appears to be a classroom. Standing next to a blackboard is Harold A. Lumbourgh, decked out in the typical "professor" outfit... v-neck sweater with plaid button-down underneath, tweed sports jacket with typical padded elbows, brown corduroys and dark brown loafers with argyle socks.
On the blackboard is the term "A Criticism of the Modern Wrestling 'Star"", underlined twice, for good measure. Next to the blackboard is a TV/DVD combo sitting on a classroom cart, paused in what appeared to be the near beginning of his latest promo.)
HAL: "Class, please quiet down. We have a lot of work to do. Mr. Daymon has been kind enough to riddle us with so many bored cliches in his latest work that even this faux-classroom setting will seem mind-blowingly cutting edge by the time we're through.
"Now, before we begin our criticism, we must have context. In our context, after the late 90's and goth monsters and extreme violence, a new breed emerged. A breed which championed the sport itself, and sought to rise above cheap gimmicks and entertainment.
"Of course, blind to their own hypocrisy, these men were reduced to even more cliche-ridden monologues, as without the so-called gimmick, they were left only to brag about their accomplishments and their plans.
"Now, let us begin."
(He hits Play on the remote and we see the first segment of Rocko's promo, and then he pauses it.)
HAL: "Here we see Rocko the Everyman. He appeals to the audience by establishing his family roots and his typical Americanism. Humor is used to once again draw sympathy... to give himself depth. He also uses popular culture and nerd-based humor to, perhaps, nullify his opponent's nerdery.... to out-nerd him, so to speak, and thus make his gimmick obsolete. The irony is, of course, lost on him. We move on."
(Again he plays more, and pauses.)
HAL: "Here we see the first way in which these so-called gimmick-less stars puff themselves up. By name-dropping, he attempts to establish himself as an upper tier star. Because he lacks a title for actual validation, he will use the names of past and present stars in order to appeal to his ability.
"Oddly, the subject here brags about a loss in the BATTLEBrawl event, as if validating his opponent's teasings. Perhaps the subject wants to appear to care more for hard work than victory, though this is compromised later in the appearance."
(We go through another part, then stop.)
HAL: "Now class, pay very close attention, for here is the self-defining moment of this appearance. Here, we see Rocko claiming that he does not need a lame gimmick to achieve victory.
"Here, the Modern Wrestling Star differs from the past. Not only does he break kayfabe and enlighten us to his exception, but he uses this, in fact, as a gimmick. Even his opponent, who uses the terminology No False Hype, No Gimmicks, has used this term before.
"Of course, the hilarity of men like this is that they are a dime a dozen. More common than the Unstoppable Monster, the Gangsta Thug, the Too Hip To Be Cool, and surely the Computer Nerd, the Modern Wrestling Star does not need gimmicks, and regularly shoots at his opponents, thus rendering them defenseless.
"We note, in our criticism, that such statements not only break the Third Wall which separates the performers from the audience, but also renders their opponents defenseless, as typical gimmicks appear to be obsolete, and the so-called 'smarts', in this way, appear smarter, more cutting edge, newer and fresh.
"In this way, the Modern Wrestling Star has broken entirely from the tradition from the sport. He will often 'shoot' and break kayfabe in order to appear intelligent and ahead of the curve, often because he has nothing interesting to say.
"It is important to note, pupils, that this is, of course, the lowest form of meta-art. The cheap appeal to break the illusion of fantasy not only often ruins the moment for fans, but often renders useless the wrestlers' years of hard work into developing a character that, while perhaps gimmicky, is often far more than one-dimensional, unlike these men.
"Some have said that with the advent of the Internet and behind the scenes knowledge taking place regularly, there is no need to use old gimmicks and archetypes. Yet other forms of media, such as movies and TV, rarely, if ever break the Third Wall.
"Why? Simple. The intentional breaking of the Third Wall is, in itself, a gimmick, and a cheap one at that. Many have attempted to write meta-movies and self-referential plays, and more often than not, the audience will choose to go with a fantasy or a drama simply because it is a pure art-form which, though often relying on gimmicks, is not so one-dimensional in its use of the gimmicks solely to appear more intelligent than it truly is.
"Thus, we end our criticism of the Modern Wrestling Star with a cautionary tale of men who rely too easily on cheap kayfabe-breaking tactics and name dropping will always fall short, because they, too, are only one-dimensional, and in the end, they will never achieve the success they believe they have earned, because they have done nothing but break the veil of fantasy for everyone they work with and the people who pay their money to see these athletes."
(He hits the Off button on the remote and the TV blanks out. He removes his thin, wire-framed glasses and looks directly into the camera, for the first time, perhaps, becoming very serious, his eyebrows arched in anger.)
HAL: "The truth is, gentleman, that never before have I been so disgraced to enter a ring with two people so undeserving of their so-called success. I have come to loathe you both for what you have done to me.
"For fear of appearing one-dimensional, I'm stuck doing what it is I hate most, and stooping to your cheap gimmick of breaking kayfabe and shooting at the hip, referring to other people's gimmicks. And do not doubt for one moment that my hatred for you is real and palpable, for what you've made me become. For doing everything I loathe.
"I used to love this business. I used to sit at home and root for GUNS and Mark Windham and Stone Wolf and Bothrups Nocturnus and all those guys.
"Now? Now I'm stuck cheering for Phantom Republican, because, unlike the two of you, at least he isn't a disgrace to this business. At least he doesn't appear to be intelligent only by breaking the unwritten laws of this business.
"I get it. You're above the hype, above the gimmick. You out-nerd the nerd and out-wrestle the athlete. You come here, and you drop names, and you talk about how you give it all, you MAKE your luck, except, of course, when you lose, right? Then, if Hart wins, it's just because he was LUCKY his foot hit the ground after yours, right?
"But more than that, I wish I could stomp you both right out of this business. Your clever little pop-culture references and shattering of the Third Wall, and now look at me.
"I can either continue on as this one-dimensional computer nerd, so to speak, or I'm stuck trying to play catch-up because you're too big of an egomaniac to play by the rules... I'm not surprised. Your kind always is. You have nothing to offer and, despite your hourlong promos, even less to say. Instead, we hear you rambling on and on, heaping criticism on everyone except your other kayfabe-breakers... the other smarts, so to speak.
"Well I've had enough. Enough of your meta-promoing. I'm not JUST a computer nerd, gentlemen. Just because I can write a recursive method or recompile my Linux kernel with MPPE support doesn't mean I didn't EARN this body.
"Just because I find beauty in the 1's and 0's, the Arithmetic Logic Unit, and the Core 2 Duo does not mean I won't break every bone in your body if I can.
"And you two deserve it. You are a disgrace to everything this business is about, and even worse... no, worst of ALL, is that you claim to love this sport. You think you're what this sport is about. Self-promotion and condescending, snide remarks.
"Well that isn't and never will be what this sport is about. This is about entertainment, about giving the fans a product they can support and love and men they can cheer and hate with passion in their dull, tedious lives.
"But you don't care about this sport. The two of you care only about yourself.
"So for every fanboy back home.. for every REAL fan of this business, who's sick and tired of your cheap tactics to make yourself seem significantly smarter than your limited minds will ever be capable of, I am going to make you both pay.
"And should I falter, I will hunt you down like the dogs you are, and make you pay again, and again, and again. And then you will know what the price is.
"Gentleman, I didn't set out to save this sport. But if I can just silence your grating, self-gratifying voices but for a moment...
"... well I guess that makes me a hero."
(He picks up the remote again and hits it, and this time, we FADEOUT.)
