Valhalla Productions 211 - The TRUE Viking Pornstar
(Fade in, the camera slowly closing in on a set of glass double-doors at the end of an office-lined corridor. Eventually, the golden-write letters across the right-side door come into view… “TEAM Corporate Offices.” Just below that, hanging by a string around the doorknob, is a crudely made paper placard that reads, “Tournament of Champions Qualification Review and Sign-Ups: Apply Within.”)
(Another fade as we go through that door, and we’re in the waiting room. As is the standard, a moderately-sized desk sits at the far wall, behind which we see a young and healthy-looking receptionist in modest attire, beaming a pretty smile as she gabs it up with the man standing to her left. That man, wearing a well-tailored suit, happens to be none other than the TEAM Owner and General Manager of Operations, Jess Chapel.)
(Chapel appears to be halfway through telling a joke.)
Jess Chapel
…so Holzerman tells me, “Man, Joey, you really
Tom Bradied that interview!”
(Chapel gets a chuckle. It’s not immediately discernable whether the receptionist, whose nameplate reads “Elaine,” responds in genuine humor or perhaps politeness. Regardless, Jess sighs happily and his mind switches tracks to another topic.)
Jess Chapel
Well Elaine, as I’m sure you already know, The Tournament of Champions is drawing
quite a turn-out this year! We’ve got people from as far as
Kalamazoo coming in to stake their claim as the best champion of
all the men and women in this sport who have the privilege to carry gold around their waists! And I know it’s been a bit of burden on you, having all this extra paper to push…
(As he says this, he raps his knuckles on a thick stack of paperwork, primarily made up of personal files, resumes, and application forms, all dealing with champions near and far converging upon the granddaddy competition of sports entertainment.)
Elaine
Oh, Mr. Chapel… it’s not a problem.
Jess Chapel
Well… that’s good to hear. But what’s impressed me the most is how you’ve remained so well-organized through this very busy period. Is all this assorted alphabetically by name?
Elaine
Well, organized by federation first… then last name… then weight class.
Jess Chapel
It amazes me how you can be so detail-oriented…
(Chapel picks the stack up and carefully flips through it, glancing over some of the headlines. He smiles with satisfaction.)
Jess Chapel
Got a lot of
big names in this pile… and some real potential breakthroughs! No doubt, this year’s tournament will be one to remember for quite a while.
Elaine
And to think… we’ve still got until the rest of the day to pick up any unaccounted for champions!
Jess Chapel
You’re right, Elaine! Who knows who might step through that door next? Let me tell you, I can hardly
contain my excitement!
…but anyway, I need to visit the can for a minute.
Bee-Are-Bee… (it’s hip to say that now, isn’t it?)
(The TEAM Owner retreats to his office to use his personal commode. Meanwhile, left in solitude, Elaine picks up her monthly issue of Home & Gardening and flips to the middle. Silence follows…)
VALHALLA PRODUCTION COMPANY
Presents
(…and then, halfway through a line that explains how a brighter, whiter toilet can bring that extra bit of zazz and pizzazz to an otherwise dreary bathroom, a LOOMING shadow falls over her petite form. She looks up… and immediately, her face goes red as a tomato.)
OLVIR ARSVINNAR
In
Elaine
O-oh! You must be here to sign-up for the Tournament of Champions!
C-can I get your name, please??
(Quick cut, and EXTREME CLOSE-UP into the triumphantly winking blue-eyed, blonde bearded face of the fiercest Viking warrior known to mortal man!)
“The GREATNESS that is…
ROCKO DAYMON!!”
(Record scratch.)
"THE TRUE PROFESSIONAL VIKING PORNSTAR"
(Indeed! The man standing there before the receptionist desk is none other than ROCKO DAYMON, the former EPW World Heavyweight Champion himself!)
(…er, at least it might be him. Though he does appear in his trademark cut-off jean shorts, solid black joint pads, and fingerless grappling gloves, he also seems to have grown several inches… and began sporting an ostensibly long golden beard… and taking a liking to wearing a garish, grossly oversized Viking helmet. With an inane, toothy grin, “Rocko” looks up the tiny the receptionist with eyes full of hungry lust.)
“Rocko Daymon”
BASK IN MY GLORY, supple maiden! The GREAT ROCKO is here to announce his intentions to CONQUER the TEAM Tournament of Champions!
Elaine
Oh my, Rocko Daymon! I’m such a fan of yours! …although you look a lot, uh,
smaller on the TV.
“Rocko Daymon”
HA HA HA HA!! If you are impressed with my great size now, then you would MARVEL at the greatness of the MIGHTY LOINS tucked into this jerkin!
(“Rocko” enticingly bounces his eyebrows, and Elaine can’t resist shaking off the collar of her blouse as her gaze trails down to the behemoth’s bulging pelvic region. In the background, we cue the swanky funk guitar licks…)
(…and killing the mood completely is the man with the microphone jutting himself into the scene, clad in the most snazziest of leisure suits and bearing a beard that would impress the livid crap out of your dad and uncles.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Hello once again, TEAM fans across the globe! Unless you’ve been living under a rock, or suffer from Alzheimer’s,
or a goldfish, then you’d probably recognize
THIS{/i] simply irresistible face as that of wrestling legend turned field reporter… Terry “THE IDOL” Anderson, now proud to say an full-fledged modern Viking in the eyes of the House of Arsvinnar!
I’m here today at the TEAM Corporate Offices, with one of the most electrifying and fastest rising professional wrestling stars in the sport! He’s here today to earn his spot in this year’s TEAM Tournament of Champions, and I’m here to see that he seals the deal!
(Saying this, he holds up a neatly folded set of papers and nods. The camera, obviously more interested in catching the action behind the reporter, moves in over his shoulder to catch up on the receptionist and her guest.)
Elaine
Well… I’ll just pull up your paperwork.
(She switches over to the nearby computer and punches in the name. Daymon’s bio pops up and she skims over it, looking perplexed.)
Elaine
Hmm… that’s strange. It says here that while you are eligible to join the tournament, you’re currently inactive for competition due to a debilitating shoulder injury.
“Rocko Daymon”
BAH!! Foolish woman! How can this simply INFALLIBLE form ever be plagued with tedious injury?!
(On cue, “Rocko” flexes both massive trunk-like arms in blatant exhibition. To call them age-old “pythons” would be an insult—these titanic JORMUNGANDRS for arms make pythons look like meager worms! Needless to say, she’s quite impressed! And Jormungandr was a giant sea serpent… there’s your Norse mythology reference for the promo.)
Elaine
I dunno… the Rocko Daymon I see on TV isn’t quite so irresistibly attractive as you are!
(She delivers a wanting smile, and Olvir leans forward… until Anderson, getting his damn beard into everything again, pops into the frame and again interrupts the mojo.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Young lady, you might have your doubts now, but I can prove to you that this man is Rocko Daymon in the flesh! Just watch him cut any regular Rocko Daymon-style promo!
(go, olvir! that’s your cue!)
“Rocko Daymon”
(oh!)
(“Daymon” pops out of the frame briefly… and bounds back in only a second later, now wearing an obscure metal band t-shirt wrapped over his massive torso and toting a life-sized blow-up doll done up in a pseudo emo/alt way, with the name “Caitlyn” written across her tube-top. Without hesitation, “Rocko” pulls back his massive, skillet-sized right hand and relentlessly b*tch-slaps the rubberized face.)
“Rocko Daymon”
Blah-blah-blah-TRUE-PROFESSIONAL-WRESTLER-blah-blah-blah…
(Elaine seems noticeably won over by this demonstration.)
Elaine
Yeah, I guess that’s him alright. Well, I guess all we need to do is get the paper work in order, and I can file you here into the stack.
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Sweet deal! I knew this was going to work!
(Just then, as the quaint receptionist is reaching for the blank forms, Jess Chapel emerges from his office and seems taken by surprise.)
Jess Chapel
Just what is all the racket out here, Elaine??
Elaine
Oh, Mr. Chapel! Wouldn’t you believe it? Rocko Daymon has arrived to sign-up for the Tee-Oh-See!
Jess Chapel
Why, that’s not Rocko Daymon…
…that’s Viking pornstar sensation, “THE BUTT-DOMINATOR” OLVIR ARSVINNAR!!
(Oh crap, it IS him! Dang, that beard was a real giveaway, huh?)
Olvir Arsvinnar
ACK!! I have been DISCOVERED!! Truly, the gaze of YESS CHAPEL is as all-seeing as the eye of Great Odin!
Quickly, Son of Ander! We must move on to Plan Ur!
HA HA HA HA!!
(True to his barbaric ways, Olvir creates a tumult in the blink of an eyes, tossing Elaine’s neat stack of organized files into a cloud of fluttering paper that surrounds them. With a brisk swipe of his mighty arm, the computer monitor is knocked off the desk and crashes onto the marble floor. Before anybody has time to react, both of his vice-like hands are on Elaine’s shoulders, and she’s lifted as though weightless unto the broad, wall-like shoulders of Olvir! Triumphantly booming with laughter, he bounds out of the room with his bounty tightly clenched in his hands!)
(When the dust settles, Chapel kicks through the mess of papers at his feet in irritation.)
Jess Chapel
Damn that Olvir… he does this every time. He makes a mess and runs off with my receptionist, and I always have to hire a new one, because the girls he takes away always say their eternally bound to his “mighty loins”, or some nonsense!
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
I dearly apologize for the mess, Mr. Chapel.
Jess Chapel
Anderson?! Dammit, I told you the check’s in the mail! Stop bothering me for money! Take the walking wrecking crew someplace else, would ya?
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Oh, I’m not here about any money, sir! Rather, I wanted to talk to you about getting Olvir into the tournament of champions!
(The TEAM Owner seems perplexed to hear this.)
Jess Chapel
Wait… Olvir carries a title?! This is the first I’ve heard about this!
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Well… no, he’s not quite a champion. Not in the technical sense, anyway.
Jess Chapel
Hm… has he been recently?
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Uhh… no. In fact, he’s never been a champion, to my understanding.
Jess Chapel
Well, that all about does it then, doesn’t it, Terry? Part of the reason why we call it the “Tournament of Champions” is because it features actual champions. Olvir doesn’t qualify.
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
I understand that, sir… but you see, one of those actual champions is in a position where he can’t compete in this tournament, and he wants to give that privilege to Olvir.
(He draws out the neatly folded set of papers again and hands them over to Chapel.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
This is a letter from the Daymons’ family lawyer, where it declares that the former EPW World Heavyweight Champion is willingly allowing Olvir to assume his eligibility for the tournament. Don’t ask me why he picked the big guy, but he did.
Jess Chapel
Rocko Daymon, huh? Too bad about what happened to him. How is he, anyway?
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Uh… don’t really know, sir. I didn’t talk to any of them. They’ve been pretty hush-hush since the injury.
(Chapel briefly skims through the legalities of the letter, and nods convincingly.)
Jess Chapel
Well… if Rocko wants to give up his spot in the tournament, then he’s welcome to. Problem is, I don’t quite understand what makes him think he has the right to go over MY authority and choose his own replacement! Not to say Olvir isn’t a draw, but… he’s more of an entertaining sideshow. This is a competition for the serious performers.
Olvir Arsvinnar
WHAT?!?
(Olvir stomps back into the frame, now wearing his traditional furry boots, bronze bracers, and quickly fastening the jerking around his waist to disclose the blinding greatness of his loins.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
YESS CHAPEL!! The GREAT OLVIR is QUITE serious! It has LONG been my DESTINY to proclaim myself as the GREATEST warrior in all the land! I was robbed by a COWARD in the Invitational Tournament… but my great warrior spirit will not REST until ALL have crumbled beneath my UNYIELDING WRATH!!
Jess Chapel
Hey now… Ravager beat you legitimately in that tournament. Let’s not go around calling him names, okay? Nobody’s denying the impact you made in that tournament!
Olvir Arsvinnar
Then ALLOW the Great Olvir to make SUCH AN IMPACT, as POWERFUL as the impact he makes on so many SUPPLE HINDS, in conquering ALL puny men who come from near and far and call themselves “CHAMPIONS!!”
Jess Chapel
But that’s just the thing, Olvir… you have to be a champ to get in! Or at least a recent champ!
Olvir Arsvinnar
And yet, the AMAZING accolades of the Great Olvir have exceeded the work of MANY so-called “CHAMPIONS”… but he is DENIED entry!
There is a REASON why the Great Olvir has not claimed any title, meager Yess Chapel! It is because NO title is worthy of being carried by the Great Olvir except that of Champion of ALL Champions!! I will settle for NOTHING LESS!!
All the Great Olvir requests from YOU is the chance to PROVE his might in this most HONORIFIC of competitions! Then, Yess Chapel, you shall SEE how SERIOUS the Great Olvir can be!
Jess Chapel
Oh, I don’t know, Olvir…
(Terry slips in again in support of the mighty Viking.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Come on, Mr. Chapel… think of it from a business angle! You CAN’T deny that Olvir brings in a lot of fans! Fans buy tickets and Pay Per Views… and that’s all toward the benefit of TEAM and it’s future events! He’s one of the fastest rising stars in TEAM, a semi-finalist from the recent Invitational Tournament. And didn’t you hear about the double-feature he just did with “The Cowboy” James Donovan? I hear it’s already had several nominations from various award committees, like the Woodies and the Wankies!
Face it, Jess… a TEAM event could benefit a lot by having this guy make an appearance. That doesn’t just put money in your pocket… it spreads the word about TEAM! The people will come to see Olvir… and they’ll also see names like Nova, and Ravager, and Mike Randalls, and, just as your federation intended, they’ll be exposed to a sampling of the entire wide world of professional wrestling!
Just try to deny it, Chapel. Go on. TRY TO!
(Terry daringly pushes the command onto Chapel. The TEAM Owner opens his mouth to say something… but nothing comes out. He tries again, but gets the same outcome, and finally surrenders.)
Jess Chapel
Okay, Terry… I can’t deny it. Olvir truly has brought a lot of interest to TEAM, and having him involved with the Tournament of Champions will only bring more interest to what looks to be the biggest grand-scale competition of the year.
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Come on… whaddya say?
(Chapel mulls it over for a moment while Olvir and Terry eagerly wait for his answer. Finally, he nods decisively.)
Jess Chapel
Oh, what the hell… you’re in, Olvir.
Olvir Arsvinnar
YYYEAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!
(As if discovering that the gas station still has a good supply of dark chocolate Snickers, Olvir EFFORTLESSLY presses the receptionist desk over his head and FLINGS IT across the room, causing it to burst into a thousand splinters! Chapel is simply STUNNED.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
You have made a WISE and NOBLE decision on this day, Yess Chapel! You are also fortunate that on this day, the Great Olvir chose to side with logic and reasoning to plead his case! Otherwise, I would have simply burst into this room and DECAPITATED YOU with my battle-axe, and FORCED my way into the tournament! So is the Viking way!
Jess Chapel
Would you two just GET OUT OF HERE before you destroy anything else?!
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Let’s go, Olvir! We were victorious this day!
Olvir Arsvinnar
THAT IS TRUE, Son of Ander! Let us return to my drekkar and celebrate this momentous occasion over HORNS OF MEAD and VIRGIN ARSES!! HA HA HA HA!!
(Olvir bounds out of the frame in a destructive frenzy. Anderson is about to follow, but lingers for a moment.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
So… that check in the mail… you think I’ll get that in the next day or so?
(Chapel points to the door.)
Jess Chapel
OUT.
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Heh heh… right. Pleasure seeing you again, boss!
(Anderson pops out as Chapel turns around and surveys the damage, shaking his head in disbelief. We go to black.)
