Yori Yakamo jr
League Member
The Wrestling Chronicle WNW Report for 5/23/07
Live From Pittsburgh, PA
Only on MBE.com
Matt Burke, reporting
Man, this show was at the center of more controversy and legal maneuvering than any wrestling show I can remember in recent memory. The syndies didn’t want MBE airing it all until their contract expired. Yori and Yamada threatened to put it up for free on the web and finally did it, though after buying their way out of the syndication contract with a little help from an old friend. Oh, you’ll see. Anyway, this is a big transition show for MBE in front of a half full Pittsburgh crowd. Lots of unhappy talent meant this show almost didn’t get off, after what will go down in wrestling lore simply as ‘the goat incident.’ But here we are, a few months later as we get the end of an era for MBE and the beginning of a new one.
COLD OPEN
FF is looking very displeased, per usual. He says he can’t believe he is appearing on the Internet on a wrestling show. MBE has sunk to the lowest of the lows. He is just sick with the thought that millions of MBE rubes are within arms reach of some baby lotion and Kleenex and are just waiting for the sex robot to grind up against the transsexual before pleasuring themselves. MBE has become more decadent than the last days of the Roman Empire, and all you idiots out there should check Wikipedia if you don’t know what he is talking about. But PbPro will bring some class to the proceedings tonight, because god knows, someone has to.
“Mars, Bringer of War” brings us to another edition of Wednesday Night Warriors.
JOHNNY ONAN v. AOD
Dr. P and Till introduce the show and apologize to all goat lovers and purveyors of good taste for the end of our last WNW. Thankfully, there is no replay of the incident. We head right down to action as AOD makes his way to ringside to take on the Italian Adonis, Johnny Onan. I gotta say, I respect anyone who uses a headlock as a finisher in 2007, though with Onan’s physique, it does look like he could pop your head off like a pimple. AOD is a complete mystery to even myself, though we’ll see as silent monsters go if he is more Whitenoise or…well, that was the only silent wrestler I remember in MBE….oh right, the Man in Black. Yeah, that went well.
Onan uses his massive arms to overpower AOD to start, backing him into the corner and adding a nice knife edge chop for good measure. A second and he whips AOD to the far turnbuckles, but AOD is not moving. He pulls Onan in and hot shots him across the top rope before knocking the model to the mat with a massive flying shoulderblock. AOD continues to exercise control with some simple brawling and lots of stomping. He throws a nice fallaway slam to get a two count, but soon finds the table turned as Onan reverses an Irish whip and hits a very nice dropkick from a man of his stature. Onan brushes himself off and hits a nice leg drop for two. He seems a little annoyed at this and rubs his massive forearm across the face of his mysterious masked opponent. AOD escapes and crawls to the ropes but Onan uses the opportunity to drape his neck over the bottom rope and make with the choking. The crowd is less than thrilled.
Onan starts to wear down the neck of his opponent with an old school neck vise as AOD struggles to free himself. Man, I bet Onan can really open a jar of spaghetti sauce, no problem. AOD gets back to his feet and punched his way out, but gets cut off by a smooth belly to belly suplex from the Milanese model. Onan sets him off the ropes and they do a criss cross ending with a nice bulldog. Onan thinks he has the match won, but AOD is out at two and a half. Onan slaps the mat in frustration and signals that he is heading up top. This always ends well.
Sure enough, Onan’s bombs away knee drop finds nothing but canvas and it is AOD’s turn to take the advantage. He pounds away on Onan with right hands and adds a big time hanging vertical suplex for two. Onan could have made it down the catwalk and back for all the time he was in the air. AOD puts Onan into a pumphandle position. Could this be his finisher? No one knows. And no one will know as Onan wriggles out and buys himself some time by going downstairs. DDT is blocked, though, and AOD hits a nice T-Bone suplex to put Onan down. Evidently that is not his finisher, either, as Onan is out at two, AOD hits the ropes, but runs right into another nice dropkick. DDT puts him down hard. Onan’s stalking him…IT’S THE HEADLOCK FROM HELL. Onan is really putting those hours on the curl machine to good use. He rides AOD to the mat. And now the big mystery man is tapping.
WINNER: JOHNNY ONAN (9:55: Headlock from Hell)
BACKSTAGE WE GO
We pan up on the Lot’s dressing room. I ponder the economic future of this company if they are giving the Lot a personalized placard on their dressing room door. Below it hangs a scrawled sign…NO UNITED SCUM. Mac swings open the door suddenly, looking around. He turns back and tells Nate it’s just some cameraman on a smoke break. Mac is bored waiting around for a match. No one wants to wrestle the Lot anymore and Juen Lee is off in Korea working on his luge skills in case his country gets an Olympic bid. Always thinking, those Lot are. All they have to pass the time is their keg of Sam Smith and their arguments over the merits of the Wednesday’s new road kits. Nate thinks they make ‘em look like a pumpkin, but Mac is pretty keen on ‘em. Yep, nothing much for the Lot to do around here….no siree…
Biff Bentley is with YOUR MBE World Heavyweight Champion, Doc Silver. Doc says the internet is only good for bilking drunken fratboys out of their parents money via online poker. Doc is the original federation killer, no matter what that horny goat might think. He needs to stop horning in on Doc’s gimmick. Oh, Andy and Duchess, same old, same old. Doc is quite frankly bored by them at this point. So he wins another match, big deal, next week they will probably come back with some crazy gimmick like they’ll all be tethered together and the title will be in a piñata. How exhilarating. Now if you’ll excuse him, Doc has to go place some wagers on some dogfights at the Vick residence, but you didn’t here that from him.
THE THRILLBILLIES v. THAT NEW 70S TEAM
Back to ringside we go for some tag team action as the reigning tag champs take on the newest entry to the MBE tag ranks, that New 70s Team in a non title match. Well, at least they can discuss fabric swatches with the boss. And hear come the Polyester Power Duo, dancing down to ringside. Contrary to popular rumor, the tryout for MBE is not some sort of dance contest run by the sex robot. Oh, I just made that rumor up, sorry. It makes sense, though. They are perfectly fine dancers, though. I think they would easily make the top eight on Dancing with the Wrestlers.
And now it is the tag champs turn to mosey on down the aisle, though they do it with a bit less panache, one has to admit. The Billies don’t get enough press on the dirt sheets as being a very good tag team. Maybe it’s the gimmick, but you can’t deny their success as they are undefeated as a team, and have beaten all comers from the tag ranks and super teams like Duchess and Irishred. Hoss and Boogie start with the big fella claiming the early advantage with some shoulder blocks and a body slam. Elbow drop misses though, and Boogie catches the Billy with a spinning heel kick as he rises. Hyde is in and knocks Hoss back down with a back elbow a belly to back suplex. That only gets two so he starts to grind down Hoss with ye old rear chinlock. Hoss summons his Hillbilly power and elbows free and adds a big ol’ hiptoss before tagging in Jake.
Jake springboards in with an Air Bill
man, and Hyde hits the canvas. Hyde is up but walks into a Flying Cross chop, and down he goes again. That gets two. Jake hoists him for a Russian Leg sweep, but Hyde breaks and takes him down with a drop toe hold. He tags out to Boogie with Jake’s leg still in a grapevine. I love that move. Boogie drops a senton on the prone Jake and smoothly transitions into a half crab. Jake quickly makes the ropes to force a break, though. Boogie gets a little lackadaisical picking up Jake and finds himself in a small package. Oooh, 2.9. Boogie is pissed and grabs Jake rudely by the hair, but finds himself on the business end of a jawbreaker. Jake slingshots over the top rope to the apron and readies himself as Boogie rises…Ouch. Boogie counters whatever Jake was going for with a midair dropkick. That one’ll knock the wind right out of you. He rubs his jaw a bit and drags Jake to his corner, before tagging out to Super Cool.
Hyde drops some short knees to the sternum as Jake tries to cover up. The tag champ finds himself on the receiving end of a gutbuster though. He clutches at his ribs, but manages to kick out before the three count. Nice continuity from that 70s Team as they work Jake over pretty good. Boogie comes off the top with a hard missle dropkick as Hyde exposes Jake’s ribs. That gets Hoss halfway into the ring, but Jake kicks out. Boogie goes right to a ground abdominal stretch and Jake is in a world of hurt. The tag champ edges to the ropes, oh it’s so tantalizingly close, but Boogie rolls over and bridges back into a camel clutch variation, keeping Jake from the ropes. Hoss has seen enough and punts Boogie off his tag partner. Hyde takes umbrage at this slight and superkicks Hoss out through the ropes. The 70s Team goes for a 70s double team but Jake ducks a double superkick and catches Hyde with a slacknife style neckbreaker as somewhere Troy Windham snorts his royalty check off a coeds happy trail. Boogie goes for a rana but Jake reacts instinctively and falls back, dropping the Boogie Man right on his face. Hoss is back on the apron and gets the tag. Hoss is stalking Boogie….
…and here comes the Sheffield Wednesday Lot. Obviously, sitting in their locker room drinking pints has gotten boring as they come parading out, Mac piggy backing Nate who is carrying a giant Sheffield Wednesday banner. I guess they settled on the new orange road kits, though they look like they should be riding Sea-Doos in those things. Hoss is irate and goes to confront them but ends up tangled in the banner. Mac is irate that he is getting his hillbilly sweat all over the banner and shoves him back towards that 70s Team. Boogie Man busts out the Travolta and follows with the Travoltadriver. Jake tries to make the save, but is stopped by Nate, and there goes the Billies undefeated streak.
WINNER: THAT NEW 70s TEAM (12:27- Boogie-> Hoss: Travoltadriver)
The Billies are irate, but Mac claims it was all an innocent misunderstanding, something he communicates by stomping the hell out Hoss. Nate gets on the mic(?!), nope he’s just testing it out for Mac. Mac says these orange jerseys are very slimming, unlike last year’s yellow ones, which is more appropriate for the cowardly Billies, who keep ducking their challenges. Nate whispers something to Mac, but Mac insists they have made lots of challenges in bars across the country, just cause the Billies weren’t there doesn’t mean they aren’t legitimate. What is he supposed to do, send a certified letter by air jalopy? Anyway, they want a title shot, right now. Well, their tag team planning could have been better as they forgot about Jake who promptly brains both of them with a chair. Nate and Mac roll to higher ground as Jake accepts their challenge on behalf of Hoss. And he is darn tired of having to deal with a bunch of panty-waisted Brits sticking their noses in his team’s affairs. So they’ll give them their shot, but if the Lot loses they can’t have a lick of those tag belts for a full year. And in his mind there is only one way they can settle this, a ladder match! So the Lot better piss their pumpkin asses off to get ready, as those Brits say, or so Jake has been told. Jake tosses down the mic in disgust. Oh boy, this has train wreck written all over it. In a good way, mind you. Mac drags Nate up the ramp and confesses that maybe they do look a bit like pumpkins.
THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF YORI AND YAMADA
Backstage to Yamada’s office as the honcho furiously does some paperwork. It’s AGGROINTENSE FILING~! Yori says he is tried of PbPro getting into his affairs. It’s always been like this, ever since he was a trainee and kept sleeping with the ring girls. It’s his business whose sister he impregnates, allegedly, no one else’s. Yamada loses his train of thought and taps his pen thoughtfully. He says he agrees with Yori. Yori is equally shocked, and confesses that he’s speechless. If only there were something to break up the awkward silence….and helpfully ROBOYORI comes crashing through the office wall. Yamada isn’t even annoyed, just starts laughing uproariously. Yori is worried that his ex-father-in-law is going to have a heart attack or a nervous breakdown. Yamada asks Yori how he deals with stress. Yori says liquor, Quaaludes and anonymous sex. Yamada postulates that Yori must be stressed out a lot. Everyone laughs, until Yori realizes that Yamada just told a joke. Yamada tells Yori to break out the sake, the good stuff, because tonight, they are taking care of PbPro once and for all.
“ROBOYORI DANCE!”
“Knock yourself out, sexbot.”
SINGAPORE CANE MATCH: PROMO v. JUSTIN EVITABLE
After Windows Media Player unfortunately broadcasts a commercial for YORINETICS, we head back to wrestling action…of sorts. It’s time for our Caning match. You’d think Yori would be the expert on all things Singaporian, not Justin, but maybe that just applies to sex workers. Speaking of the True Face, he is out first, with the usual entourage in tow, plus Mr. Yamada, who is looking a bit tipsy, and is carrying a half-full, very expensive sake bottle. Justin has a fine collection of Singapore canes in a variety of colors, I’d lean towards the powder blue one myself, since everyone knows powder blue = badass.
PbPro is out next, with a solemnity befitting the occasion, or something. Promo is taped up from stem to stern, much to the chagrin of the Sextum and the fans in attendance, who boo vociferously. Promo stops at the rampway and grabs a mic. He explains that he was unfortunately injured in a car accident, and needs to have his ribs and back (and neck and shoulders and waist apparently) taped up for his own protection. He shouldn’t even be in this match, he should be in the hospital, but he’s not gonna let a little injury stop him. The crowd isn’t buying it. Yamada has had enough and orders Promo to get those wraps off or he will douse them in what’s left of his sake and light his ass on fire with Yori’s flamethrowing dildo. FF is impressed that Yamada is showing some vigor in his old age, even if it is liquid courage and not testicular fortitude that led him to finally stand up to PbPro. And it certainly wasn’t a sudden bout of common sense.
Promo gingerly removes the wraps like he is Carl Pavano or something and Yamada demands he choose his cane swinger. FF says it should be obvious…it’s the MONSTER RAVAGE. Justin counters with the sultan of sexy, sexy swat, ROBOYORI. FF protests that the robot shouldn’t count as he has superhuman strength. Well, doesn’t Ravage? Justin counters, that’s what I keep reading in the PbPro press releases. FF is shocked that Justin is now literate and praises the simplicity of Hooked on Phonics, maybe next he’ll be able to successfully use Geico online rate quotes. Oooh, topical burn~! Well, not so much the Hooked on Phonics.
Promo finally gets unwound from his miles of medical tape and we are ready to begin. ROBOYORI is very excited and takes a massive swing cracking Promo on the back. Promo winces and begins trying to walk it off, with a very pronounced arch in his back.
Ravage takes his turn now, spitting on his hand and tightening up his grip on the cane as Justin braces himself for the impact. Ravage pauses at the top of his swing….and BEHEADS JUSTIN WITH A LARIAT!. Promo charges and spears Yori off the apron as he jumps up to protest. This may be the shortest caning match on record. The crowd is not happy, to say the least. The timekeeper furiously rings his bell, though it does little to stop the brewing pandemonium in and around the ring.
WINNER: JUSTIN EVITABLE (0:48 DQ)
FF and A lay the boots into Yamada on the outside, and yep, there it is… full blown PANDEMONIUM~! Justin is being lifted for a chokeslam…NO! The sexbot makes the save, caning Ravage so hard it breaks the damn thing over his back. Justin kicks Ravage right in the jimmies. The arena is shaking in Pittsburgh. The sexbot has Ravage up… YOROBOT = AWESOME~! A Herculean feat of….well, I guess he is a robot, after all. Justin hits the ropes….TWISTING SUICIDE DIVE! Promo splays against the barricade and Justin doesn’t even take a moment to shake the cobwebs out before he starts pounding on the Underground Icon.
Yamada is still getting stomped, but it’s PERVERT RESCUE SQUAD~! as Yori brains FF with a dildo. There’s one for A! Yori takes off his suede coat and his alligator loafers, so you know he means business. He rolls A into the ring, but Yamada shoves him out of the way and BRAINS A WITH THE SAKE BOTTLE~! HOLY ****! Blood is pouring out of the side of A’s head. Yamada sheds his jacket and he is heading up top. RISING SUN PRESS~! The old man still has a little vim and vigor left. He calls for a mic, stopping to brain FF off the apron with it, before speaking.
Yamada has had enough of A and enough of the PbPro office. He’s just trying to run a ******* wrestling company, and A can’t leave well enough alone. They are a bunch of forty year old men still reliving the same issues from high school, who stole whose girlfriend, who should have been captain of the wrestling team. Enough is enough. They are both legends, but only one of them is a piece of ****, son of a *****, and that’s A. Yamada’s had to put up with the meddling of interlopers, fading legends and a whorish daughter. But it ends tonight, MBE v. PbPro, Yamada v. A, one on one in a LOSER LEAVES TOWN MATCH. All the marbles on the line. Now, that might not be fair, since A is, well, bleeding so much, but Yamada is three sheets to the wind after all, so fair is fair. He’s seeing three A’s right now, and they all look like bakayaros to him. Yori recommends he hit the middle one. That’s what he usually does. Yamada concurs. He says this town ain’t big enough for the both of ‘em. Yori adds “and my giant penis.”
A is up to his feet now and ready to accept when, OH HELL NO! Promo cracks that damned cricket bat across Yamada’s back. I guess it retained its magical power of being under the ring right when you need it, even outside of Hida’s possession. Cricket bat shot for Justin, cricket bat shot for Yori. Cricket bat shot for the…sexbot?! Not working so much. Promo begs off as the crowd chants “Sexbot’s gonna kill you.” FF’s up on the apron. OOOOH… taser shot for the sexbot and he is shooting sparks….now he’s doing some sort of Riverdance….and…now he’s down. FF rallies the troops and they lay the boots into Yamada. FF holds out Yamada’s arm…no, not again…JESUS! You could here that shot echo through the arena, or maybe that reverb was just Yamada’s arm breaking. ANOTHER SHOT! Yamada is in agony. FF and Promo switch off and FF adds a bombs away knee drop across the elbow. A has the A+ lock on now as trash litters the ring.
But here comes the cavalry…the whole locker room empties in various stages of wrestling readiness. Hey even Doc and crew amble out. Granted, it’s about a half minute after the rest of the gang, but it’s the thought that counts. The ring is cleared, leaving the sextum to tend to Yamada. FF gets on the mic and says on behalf of A and PbPro they humbly accept Yamada’s challenge for a Loser Leaves Town match…starting…oh….right now let’s say. Justin complains that Yamada is in no condition to wrestle, and probably has a broken freaking arm as FF cries crocodile tears. Justin says he’ll take on A right now, but Promo points out that he in no way has the authority to represent MBE…duhn duhn DUHHHHHN. Yori grabs the mic and says he’ll take on A right now, and he’ll put his stake of the company on the line, but PbPro has to do the same, one match for all the marbles. FF says he needs to think about this for a…yeah, that’ll work. Phantasmo breaks it down. “Well, A was brained with a sake bottle, and probably needs stitches, but he is wrestling Yori. Advantage: PbPro.”
LOSER LEAVES TOWN MATCH FOR FULL CONTROL OF MBE: YORI YAKAMO JR v. A
The entire locker room has surrounded the ring for what is now an impromptu lumberjack match. Yori doesn’t even wait for A to roll under the ropes before he is laying in the kicks. Yori jumps onto the PbPro legend and starts biting at the gaping wound on A’s head and comes up with a mouthful of blood. That seems unpleasant, though one would have figured Yori had earned his red wings already. Irish whip. Lou Thesz Press (with thrusting and forearm shivers). A looks to retreat to ringside, but finds the Billies willing to helpfully get him back in the ring. Yori goes for a suplex(?!) but A twists out and catches Yori with a thrust kick as he turns. The air just went out of the arena as A wastes no time following up with a jumping DDT. A starts to punish Yori with some crossfaces as FF gets on the phone with some interior decorators. He wants to send them some fabric swatches for the remodel of Yamada’s office. Double stomp to the upper back…just vicious, but Yori kicks out. No one can ever say he can’t take a beating…the entire NFW playoffs proved that. Not as bad a beating as my sanity took watching them, but what can you do?
Lungblower and A smoothly flips Yori into a triangle choke. Say what you will about the jackass, but A can still bring it in the ring. Yori barely makes the rope and A judiciously uses his five count. Yori is on dream street and hardly puts up a fight as A whips him in to the turnbuckle and follows with a handspring elbow. A hops effortlessly to the top rope and measures up Yori…who suddenly charges up the turnbuckles and pokes A in the eye! A crotches himself and falls into the ring….that took a lot out of Yori though as he falls to the mat…accidentally headbutting A in the crotch on the way down. At least that is the way the ref sees it. FF’s appeals not withstanding. Yori is up first and drops A with a series of right hands. Irish whip….monkey flip~? Yori is reaching back deep into the ol’ moveset now. Thumb to the eye….YORI = AWE…NO! A counters and just spiked Yori with a piledriver. A is pissed now, he grabs Yori by the hair and hooks him for a sharp spinning neckbreaker. A has Yori up for the A BOMB…No…Yori flips out and lands on his feet. The Cerebral Cocksassin ducks another thrust kick…SHINING GROIN KICK! YORI = AWESOME…IT’S THE UPSET OF THE CENTURY… Yori carawl over and makes the cover…NO! FF PULLS THE REF OUT OF THE RING! The crowd is apoplectic. The entire locker room is chasing PbPro from the building. Yori is counting his own three count, but it’s all for nothing. WAIT A MINUTE! OUT OF THE CROWD COMES LANCE THUNDER! He slides in the ring…1…2…NO! A gets a shoulder up! Yori can’t believe it. He’s got A up for another YORI = AWESOME. A reverses! Sunset flip. Yori with his shoulder up in the knick of time!
Yori is up first, but A reverses his Irish whip and Yori slams into the far turnbuckles. A charges, but Yori moves out of the way. A singshots onto the top rope. He’s looking for a moonsault, maybe…but Yori crotches him. He shoves A down into the tree of woe. Uh-oh…things are looking bad for A…and even worse for his testicles. Yori struts to the other side of the ring and measures A up. He charges… YAKAMO STYLE GROIN ATTACK~! Yori is using A’s jimmies like a speed bag as Lance slooooowly administers his five count. Yori is truly a virtuoso at working the groinal area. A slumps down face first on the canvas. Yori drags him to the center of the ring and heads up to the high rent district…MOONSAU……Ouchie, A gets the knees up and immediately slaps on another triangle choke.. Yori just can’t put the legend away. Yori is straining against the hold, but he has to drag himself all the way to the ropes to mercifully force a break.
A stomps down on the arm, but he is breathing heavily as you can tell his crushed junk is starting to affect him. Irish whip attempt, Yori blocks but gets his bad arm punted for good measure. Yori twists away in agony. Another lungblow….no, Yori drives A back into the turnbuckles. Inverted Atomic drop…No! A counters with a double knee to the head. Roundhouse kick and Yori drops like a sack of potatoes. A scoops him up….A BOMBAHHHHHH! Yori is out…2.9! HOLY CRAP! Yori got his shoulder up. A is livid and he accosts Thunder who demonstrates a two count in Japanese as well to get his point across. A scoops Yori up for another A Bomb…NO! Yori slips out, SCHOOLBOY! Yori has the tights and the ropes and he’s thrusting…..2.9! A manages to slip out. A quickly gets to his feet and DROPS Yori with a series of Muay Thai knees. He props Yori on the top turnbuckle…He’s following him up….this has trouble written ALL over it A is trying to position Yori for an AVALANCHE STYLE A BOMB….Yori is trying to elbow his way out, but A keeps clamping down….so Yori BITES HIS EAR. Yori has gone Mike Tyson on A. A clutches at his bleeding ear (well more bleeding) as Yori hops to the canvas. He’s got A’s legs… A is struggling as Yori tries to get him in position. A grabs the ropes in desperation…so YORI WHIPLASH BOMBS HIM TO THE MAT. Yori is strutting. He hoists A, kicks him downstairs. YORI = AWESOME. Yori is dancing. The YOROBOT IS DANCING. THE THAI HOOKERS ARE DANCING. ANOTHER YORI = AWESOME…….COUNTOH THREEEEEEE *****ES!
WINNER: YORI YAKAMO, JR (16:02: YORI = AWESOME)
Yori is leading the entire Inner Sextum in a SEXED UP~! Riverdance as FF and Promo reemerge from their hiding places threatening to sue. The entire roster celebrates in the ring…well at least until The Lot ambush The Billies from behind and touch off a three way brawl with That 70s Team. Ah well, locker room harmony is boring anyway. Doc manages to cheapshot Andy with the title and quickly retreats with Dority and Greenie. Yamada manages to find a mic and tells FF and Promo to drag the bleeding jackass out of the ring, and he better not see them around these parts again.
Well, that was a sufficiently nutty half hour. The match may come off as a bit masturbatory to some, and I’d be hard pressed to argue, but they needed a pretty wham bam blowoff to this angle, which had lost a ton of steam over the last few shows. A ton of back and forth action makes this about as good a Yori singles match as you will see not involving eighteen stipulations, dueling robot clones, or a flamethrowing dildo. I doubt this is the last you will see of Promo for those of you about to e-mail me asking. He has broken the arms of two legends now, and I’m sure he will want to stick around and gloat about it.
NANANANA NANANANA HEY HEY HEY GOODBYE
We’re back and Yamada and Yori are watching security escort PbPro from the building…Yori says it’s the best thing he’s ever seen. Yamada asks about the birth of his grandson, but Yori wasn’t actually in the room for that…or conscious probably. Yamada is so pleased he almost wants Yori to remarry his daughter. Yori doesn’t seem to fond of the idea and they share a laugh and a cigar. Yamada is in such a good mood (though granted it might be the morphine he got from the medics) he’s not even going to wait to announce that MBE has a new network deal with ESEN. No shock there as we reported it in last week’s Wrestling Chronicle, but once again I shutter to imagine what they will be allowed to get away with on a late night slot on that network. Well since this may be the last WNW for a while, Yamada thinks they should go out with a bang. And considering Doc Silver was so willing to use his title to sucker punch Andy, he should have no problem defending it tonight. I don’t really follow that logic, but whatever, your WNW main event is now a title match. Somewhere Doc is chewing a whole wad of nicotine gum and trashing the house of cards that Greenie has been building in his locker room.
TRIPLE THREAT NO DQ MATCH FOR THE MBE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: DUCHESS v. ANDY GILKISON v. DOC SILVER (c)
Vinman is in the ring and announcing our main event, which is now for the MBE World Heavyweight Championship. That brings Doc out from behind the curtain before his music even starts, and isn’t the champion supposed to enter last, anyway? Doc looks mighty pissed and calls for Vinman to give him the mic. He says he’s not sticking around if this is gonna be a title match. He’s already beaten Duchess more times than the entire Eastern Conference beat the Penguins last year. Boo hiss for cheap heat. And Andy, well, everyone knows Andy is mentally and physically incapable of winning the world title. If he couldn’t get it off Spoiler, how is he going to get it off someone the caliber of Doc. Silver does think quite a lot of himself, doesn’t he? Anyway, the gist of it is, Doc is taking his belt and he is going home. They can count him out if he wants, because they can’t get this belt from him. Doc steps through the ropes as thee crowd boos, but he doesn’t get two steps up the ramp before Duchess comes barreling out of the back and spears Doc to the rampway, sending his belt and vitamin water flying into the air. Ref Thunder shrugs and calls for the bell. At least they got him a real ref’s shirt for the main.
Duchess punts Doc back under the bottom rope as Andy comes sprinting down the rampway as well. He hops the top rope and adds some stomps to Doc as well. It’s STOMP THE DOC~! Coming this fall from Paramount Pictures! Double dropkick knocks Doc through the ropes…and SHOCKINGLY Duchess uses the opportunity to schoolboy Andy. The Gilkinator is out at two and none too happy. Andy reverses an Irish whip and catches Duchess with a high back body drop, but Duchess lands on her feet! She hits the ropes and ducks a clothesline from Gilkison. She turns and fires off a kick right to Gilkie’s upper thigh. And another. Andy winces in pain, but stays on his feet. Duchess hits the ropes and slides through Gilkison’s legs, before catching Andy with a short dropkick to the knee. Andy still on his feet, though, and levels Duchess with an axe bomber as she rises. Doc, meanwhile, has taken a seat at the announce table and is calling the action with Phantasmo and Till.
Andy wastes no time going for the kill as he busts out the rolling vertical suplexes on Duchess, but it’s too early in the match to throw bombs as Duchess counters the second one with a small package for two. Doc almost beheaded himself and ripped his headset out of the wall sprinting to the ring in case he had to break up that pin. Duchess catches a charging Andy with a drop toe hold and rolls into a modified Indian deathlock. Doc decides this is a good time to reenter the ring and catches the vulnerable Duchess with a Yakuza kick. He quickly tries to steal a pinfall, but Duchess is out at two. Doc tries Andy now, slamming his knee into the canvas and applying a side leglock. Andy’s left knee is getting worked over pretty good tonight. Duchess is up now and is more than willing to return the favor to Doc, blasting the world champ with a series of soccer kicks. Doc rolls for the safety of the ropes, but Duchess adds some knees to the prone Doc as Lance tries to separate the two. Yeah, not like there is any bad blood there. Andy limps over to Duchess and CRUSHES her with a backdrop suplex. Seriously dangerous angle on that one. He drags doc into the center of the ring now and presses the world champ over his head. Impressive on that bad knee. He drops Doc face first on to the canvas and adds a Warrior (Frog) Splash for good measure. Andy may have gotten a wee bit more height on that than the master of Forkucity, though. Duchess manages to break up the pinfall attempt at two.
Duchess and Andy exchange chops. Andy gets the better of the exchange and backs Duchess into the corner. Irish whip to the turnbuckles. Andy shakes out his leg and charges across the ring, but that gives Duchess time to dodge his Stinger splash. Duchess chop blocks the dazed Gilkinator and looks for a figure four. Andy kicks her off though and she hits the far ropes and rebounds into a snap powerslam. Doc breaks it up at two and a half by dropping an elbow on Gilkison’s knee. Clever boy there. He rolls Andy over and hooks the figure four. Andy is in a world of hurt and struggles to roll Doc over. Doc casually grabs the ropes for leverage and gets a set of two counts out of the hold. Duchess drops a leg across Doc’s arms, breaking his hold on the ropes. Duchess follows by slapping a cross armbreaker on Doc while he still has Andy in the figure four. Doc is screaming bloody murder as Lance bops back and forth seeing if anyone wants to call it quits. No takers.
Finally, with Doc distracted by the intense pain in his elbow, Andy rolls Doc over and reverses the pressure. This allows Doc to lock his arms to relieve some pressure of his own, and the momentum takes Doc on top of Duchess for a pin. Duchess gives up the hold and kicks out at two, leaving Doc a second short of retaining his title, and stuck in Andy’s Indian deathlock. Poor bastard just can’t catch a break, and we all feel so bad for him. Duchess puts an end to the deathlock, dropping a senton across the tangled legs of her two combatants. That looked straight up nasty. Duchess tries to follow up with an ankle lock on Andy, but Andy kicks her off. She charges out of the corner, but gets cut off by a superkick from Doc. Doc tries to add one for Andy, but Andy ducks. Doc stops the kick and goes for his DDT, but Andy is ready for it and delivers a Northern Lights Suplex, but he can’t hold the bridge. Andy struggles to his feet, as Doc shakes off the cobwebs….kick to the gut…ACE’S FU….nope, Andy counters with THE GILKIMISSION! Doc is in trouble….he’s got nowhere to go. He’s reaching for the ropes, but they are just out of his grasp. Duchess makes the save, clipping Andy and dropping Doc and him into a pile on the mat. Duchess rolls up Doc….TWO COUNT! Andy is up and PISSED OFF! T-Bone Suplex for Duchess! He goes back for the Gilkimission on Doc, but Doc slips out behind him. Andy turns. Kick to the Gut! ACE’S FULL STUNNAH~! Doc covers….2.9! Doc should have hooked the leg there. Though he may think he is in the poker room at the Wynn right now.
Doc is up but turns right into a huricanrana from Duchess. 2.9! Doc woozily charges…drop toe hold….ANKLE LOCK~! DOC IS SCREAMING FOR MERCY! THERE’S ANDY! BIG BOOT FOR DUCHESS. The First Lady of MBE crumples to the mat. Andy limps over. He’s got her up. GILKINATION DDT! NO! DUCHESS GETS HER FOOT ON THE ROPE! Andy was so close right there. He can’t believe it either. He’s signaling for the ANDYBOMB~! Don’t know how smart that is with his knee in the shape it is. He’s got Duchess up! ANDYBOMBAHHHHHH….NO! Doc cuts Andy’s legs out from under him with a desperate lunge. Duchess’s neck just snapped on the top rope on the way down. Straight up nasty. She is out like a light. WAIT A MINUTE! Doc is tying Andy’s bad leg up in the ropes. What a bastard! I really just can’t call him a bastard enough. Andy is desperately trying to free himself but he can’t quite reach. Doc has Duchess up…NO! NOT THE RIVER! Duchess is out. Doc covers. THE BASTARD RETAINS. Doc escapes again.
WINNER: DOC SILVER (19:43: The River)
Doc adds some parting stomps to the upside down Andy as he raises the title high above his head. Really solid match, though, all action from bell to bell. You gotta give the bastard credit, he always finds a way to win…and this time he managed to do it without cheating…too much.
Doc parades up the entrance ramp and stops to jaw with some fans when PROMO FLIES DOWN THE RAMPWAY AND BLASTS DOC WITH YAKAMOCITO! Doc starts bleeding before he even hits the ramp and Promo picks the title up and holds it aloft, before dropping it back on Doc. He produces a mic that was conveniently fastened between his belt and pants. He says his contract was with MBE not PbPro so you lucky ingrates are stuck with him. Not only that, Promo figures that with a new network and a new beginning, MBE is desperately in need of a new champion…or an old one in this case. Promo is cashing in the title shot that is rightfully his as the last recognized and undefeated MBE World Champion. Well, if anyone can get Doc cheered at the arena, it’s the Underground Icon. He waves to the quite annoyed crowd as we fade to the MBE logo.
THE WRAP-UP
Hey, considering the circumstances of the show, pretty damn good effort from MBE. Two really good matches up top, brewing angles in the tag division and a fresh start that doesn’t feel too much like a reboot. If nothing else, you’ll want to tune into the ESEN show to see what they will actually do and the promise of a crazy ass tag titles match and a technically strong world title match shouldn’t hurt either.
REWIND REWARDS for 5/25/07
MATCH OF THE NIGHT : Triple Threat World Title Match
SPOT OF THE NIGHT: : YOROBOT = AWESOME on Ravage
LINE OF THE NIGHT: “Watching Duchess and Andy fight is like watching my children fight, Till. My retarded, illegitimate, should be playing in traffic, children.” – Doc Silver
Live From Pittsburgh, PA
Only on MBE.com
Matt Burke, reporting
Man, this show was at the center of more controversy and legal maneuvering than any wrestling show I can remember in recent memory. The syndies didn’t want MBE airing it all until their contract expired. Yori and Yamada threatened to put it up for free on the web and finally did it, though after buying their way out of the syndication contract with a little help from an old friend. Oh, you’ll see. Anyway, this is a big transition show for MBE in front of a half full Pittsburgh crowd. Lots of unhappy talent meant this show almost didn’t get off, after what will go down in wrestling lore simply as ‘the goat incident.’ But here we are, a few months later as we get the end of an era for MBE and the beginning of a new one.
COLD OPEN
FF is looking very displeased, per usual. He says he can’t believe he is appearing on the Internet on a wrestling show. MBE has sunk to the lowest of the lows. He is just sick with the thought that millions of MBE rubes are within arms reach of some baby lotion and Kleenex and are just waiting for the sex robot to grind up against the transsexual before pleasuring themselves. MBE has become more decadent than the last days of the Roman Empire, and all you idiots out there should check Wikipedia if you don’t know what he is talking about. But PbPro will bring some class to the proceedings tonight, because god knows, someone has to.
“Mars, Bringer of War” brings us to another edition of Wednesday Night Warriors.
JOHNNY ONAN v. AOD
Dr. P and Till introduce the show and apologize to all goat lovers and purveyors of good taste for the end of our last WNW. Thankfully, there is no replay of the incident. We head right down to action as AOD makes his way to ringside to take on the Italian Adonis, Johnny Onan. I gotta say, I respect anyone who uses a headlock as a finisher in 2007, though with Onan’s physique, it does look like he could pop your head off like a pimple. AOD is a complete mystery to even myself, though we’ll see as silent monsters go if he is more Whitenoise or…well, that was the only silent wrestler I remember in MBE….oh right, the Man in Black. Yeah, that went well.
Onan uses his massive arms to overpower AOD to start, backing him into the corner and adding a nice knife edge chop for good measure. A second and he whips AOD to the far turnbuckles, but AOD is not moving. He pulls Onan in and hot shots him across the top rope before knocking the model to the mat with a massive flying shoulderblock. AOD continues to exercise control with some simple brawling and lots of stomping. He throws a nice fallaway slam to get a two count, but soon finds the table turned as Onan reverses an Irish whip and hits a very nice dropkick from a man of his stature. Onan brushes himself off and hits a nice leg drop for two. He seems a little annoyed at this and rubs his massive forearm across the face of his mysterious masked opponent. AOD escapes and crawls to the ropes but Onan uses the opportunity to drape his neck over the bottom rope and make with the choking. The crowd is less than thrilled.
Onan starts to wear down the neck of his opponent with an old school neck vise as AOD struggles to free himself. Man, I bet Onan can really open a jar of spaghetti sauce, no problem. AOD gets back to his feet and punched his way out, but gets cut off by a smooth belly to belly suplex from the Milanese model. Onan sets him off the ropes and they do a criss cross ending with a nice bulldog. Onan thinks he has the match won, but AOD is out at two and a half. Onan slaps the mat in frustration and signals that he is heading up top. This always ends well.
Sure enough, Onan’s bombs away knee drop finds nothing but canvas and it is AOD’s turn to take the advantage. He pounds away on Onan with right hands and adds a big time hanging vertical suplex for two. Onan could have made it down the catwalk and back for all the time he was in the air. AOD puts Onan into a pumphandle position. Could this be his finisher? No one knows. And no one will know as Onan wriggles out and buys himself some time by going downstairs. DDT is blocked, though, and AOD hits a nice T-Bone suplex to put Onan down. Evidently that is not his finisher, either, as Onan is out at two, AOD hits the ropes, but runs right into another nice dropkick. DDT puts him down hard. Onan’s stalking him…IT’S THE HEADLOCK FROM HELL. Onan is really putting those hours on the curl machine to good use. He rides AOD to the mat. And now the big mystery man is tapping.
WINNER: JOHNNY ONAN (9:55: Headlock from Hell)
BACKSTAGE WE GO
We pan up on the Lot’s dressing room. I ponder the economic future of this company if they are giving the Lot a personalized placard on their dressing room door. Below it hangs a scrawled sign…NO UNITED SCUM. Mac swings open the door suddenly, looking around. He turns back and tells Nate it’s just some cameraman on a smoke break. Mac is bored waiting around for a match. No one wants to wrestle the Lot anymore and Juen Lee is off in Korea working on his luge skills in case his country gets an Olympic bid. Always thinking, those Lot are. All they have to pass the time is their keg of Sam Smith and their arguments over the merits of the Wednesday’s new road kits. Nate thinks they make ‘em look like a pumpkin, but Mac is pretty keen on ‘em. Yep, nothing much for the Lot to do around here….no siree…
Biff Bentley is with YOUR MBE World Heavyweight Champion, Doc Silver. Doc says the internet is only good for bilking drunken fratboys out of their parents money via online poker. Doc is the original federation killer, no matter what that horny goat might think. He needs to stop horning in on Doc’s gimmick. Oh, Andy and Duchess, same old, same old. Doc is quite frankly bored by them at this point. So he wins another match, big deal, next week they will probably come back with some crazy gimmick like they’ll all be tethered together and the title will be in a piñata. How exhilarating. Now if you’ll excuse him, Doc has to go place some wagers on some dogfights at the Vick residence, but you didn’t here that from him.
THE THRILLBILLIES v. THAT NEW 70S TEAM
Back to ringside we go for some tag team action as the reigning tag champs take on the newest entry to the MBE tag ranks, that New 70s Team in a non title match. Well, at least they can discuss fabric swatches with the boss. And hear come the Polyester Power Duo, dancing down to ringside. Contrary to popular rumor, the tryout for MBE is not some sort of dance contest run by the sex robot. Oh, I just made that rumor up, sorry. It makes sense, though. They are perfectly fine dancers, though. I think they would easily make the top eight on Dancing with the Wrestlers.
And now it is the tag champs turn to mosey on down the aisle, though they do it with a bit less panache, one has to admit. The Billies don’t get enough press on the dirt sheets as being a very good tag team. Maybe it’s the gimmick, but you can’t deny their success as they are undefeated as a team, and have beaten all comers from the tag ranks and super teams like Duchess and Irishred. Hoss and Boogie start with the big fella claiming the early advantage with some shoulder blocks and a body slam. Elbow drop misses though, and Boogie catches the Billy with a spinning heel kick as he rises. Hyde is in and knocks Hoss back down with a back elbow a belly to back suplex. That only gets two so he starts to grind down Hoss with ye old rear chinlock. Hoss summons his Hillbilly power and elbows free and adds a big ol’ hiptoss before tagging in Jake.
Jake springboards in with an Air Bill
man, and Hyde hits the canvas. Hyde is up but walks into a Flying Cross chop, and down he goes again. That gets two. Jake hoists him for a Russian Leg sweep, but Hyde breaks and takes him down with a drop toe hold. He tags out to Boogie with Jake’s leg still in a grapevine. I love that move. Boogie drops a senton on the prone Jake and smoothly transitions into a half crab. Jake quickly makes the ropes to force a break, though. Boogie gets a little lackadaisical picking up Jake and finds himself in a small package. Oooh, 2.9. Boogie is pissed and grabs Jake rudely by the hair, but finds himself on the business end of a jawbreaker. Jake slingshots over the top rope to the apron and readies himself as Boogie rises…Ouch. Boogie counters whatever Jake was going for with a midair dropkick. That one’ll knock the wind right out of you. He rubs his jaw a bit and drags Jake to his corner, before tagging out to Super Cool. Hyde drops some short knees to the sternum as Jake tries to cover up. The tag champ finds himself on the receiving end of a gutbuster though. He clutches at his ribs, but manages to kick out before the three count. Nice continuity from that 70s Team as they work Jake over pretty good. Boogie comes off the top with a hard missle dropkick as Hyde exposes Jake’s ribs. That gets Hoss halfway into the ring, but Jake kicks out. Boogie goes right to a ground abdominal stretch and Jake is in a world of hurt. The tag champ edges to the ropes, oh it’s so tantalizingly close, but Boogie rolls over and bridges back into a camel clutch variation, keeping Jake from the ropes. Hoss has seen enough and punts Boogie off his tag partner. Hyde takes umbrage at this slight and superkicks Hoss out through the ropes. The 70s Team goes for a 70s double team but Jake ducks a double superkick and catches Hyde with a slacknife style neckbreaker as somewhere Troy Windham snorts his royalty check off a coeds happy trail. Boogie goes for a rana but Jake reacts instinctively and falls back, dropping the Boogie Man right on his face. Hoss is back on the apron and gets the tag. Hoss is stalking Boogie….
…and here comes the Sheffield Wednesday Lot. Obviously, sitting in their locker room drinking pints has gotten boring as they come parading out, Mac piggy backing Nate who is carrying a giant Sheffield Wednesday banner. I guess they settled on the new orange road kits, though they look like they should be riding Sea-Doos in those things. Hoss is irate and goes to confront them but ends up tangled in the banner. Mac is irate that he is getting his hillbilly sweat all over the banner and shoves him back towards that 70s Team. Boogie Man busts out the Travolta and follows with the Travoltadriver. Jake tries to make the save, but is stopped by Nate, and there goes the Billies undefeated streak.
WINNER: THAT NEW 70s TEAM (12:27- Boogie-> Hoss: Travoltadriver)
The Billies are irate, but Mac claims it was all an innocent misunderstanding, something he communicates by stomping the hell out Hoss. Nate gets on the mic(?!), nope he’s just testing it out for Mac. Mac says these orange jerseys are very slimming, unlike last year’s yellow ones, which is more appropriate for the cowardly Billies, who keep ducking their challenges. Nate whispers something to Mac, but Mac insists they have made lots of challenges in bars across the country, just cause the Billies weren’t there doesn’t mean they aren’t legitimate. What is he supposed to do, send a certified letter by air jalopy? Anyway, they want a title shot, right now. Well, their tag team planning could have been better as they forgot about Jake who promptly brains both of them with a chair. Nate and Mac roll to higher ground as Jake accepts their challenge on behalf of Hoss. And he is darn tired of having to deal with a bunch of panty-waisted Brits sticking their noses in his team’s affairs. So they’ll give them their shot, but if the Lot loses they can’t have a lick of those tag belts for a full year. And in his mind there is only one way they can settle this, a ladder match! So the Lot better piss their pumpkin asses off to get ready, as those Brits say, or so Jake has been told. Jake tosses down the mic in disgust. Oh boy, this has train wreck written all over it. In a good way, mind you. Mac drags Nate up the ramp and confesses that maybe they do look a bit like pumpkins.
THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF YORI AND YAMADA
Backstage to Yamada’s office as the honcho furiously does some paperwork. It’s AGGROINTENSE FILING~! Yori says he is tried of PbPro getting into his affairs. It’s always been like this, ever since he was a trainee and kept sleeping with the ring girls. It’s his business whose sister he impregnates, allegedly, no one else’s. Yamada loses his train of thought and taps his pen thoughtfully. He says he agrees with Yori. Yori is equally shocked, and confesses that he’s speechless. If only there were something to break up the awkward silence….and helpfully ROBOYORI comes crashing through the office wall. Yamada isn’t even annoyed, just starts laughing uproariously. Yori is worried that his ex-father-in-law is going to have a heart attack or a nervous breakdown. Yamada asks Yori how he deals with stress. Yori says liquor, Quaaludes and anonymous sex. Yamada postulates that Yori must be stressed out a lot. Everyone laughs, until Yori realizes that Yamada just told a joke. Yamada tells Yori to break out the sake, the good stuff, because tonight, they are taking care of PbPro once and for all.
“ROBOYORI DANCE!”
“Knock yourself out, sexbot.”
SINGAPORE CANE MATCH: PROMO v. JUSTIN EVITABLE
After Windows Media Player unfortunately broadcasts a commercial for YORINETICS, we head back to wrestling action…of sorts. It’s time for our Caning match. You’d think Yori would be the expert on all things Singaporian, not Justin, but maybe that just applies to sex workers. Speaking of the True Face, he is out first, with the usual entourage in tow, plus Mr. Yamada, who is looking a bit tipsy, and is carrying a half-full, very expensive sake bottle. Justin has a fine collection of Singapore canes in a variety of colors, I’d lean towards the powder blue one myself, since everyone knows powder blue = badass.
PbPro is out next, with a solemnity befitting the occasion, or something. Promo is taped up from stem to stern, much to the chagrin of the Sextum and the fans in attendance, who boo vociferously. Promo stops at the rampway and grabs a mic. He explains that he was unfortunately injured in a car accident, and needs to have his ribs and back (and neck and shoulders and waist apparently) taped up for his own protection. He shouldn’t even be in this match, he should be in the hospital, but he’s not gonna let a little injury stop him. The crowd isn’t buying it. Yamada has had enough and orders Promo to get those wraps off or he will douse them in what’s left of his sake and light his ass on fire with Yori’s flamethrowing dildo. FF is impressed that Yamada is showing some vigor in his old age, even if it is liquid courage and not testicular fortitude that led him to finally stand up to PbPro. And it certainly wasn’t a sudden bout of common sense.
Promo gingerly removes the wraps like he is Carl Pavano or something and Yamada demands he choose his cane swinger. FF says it should be obvious…it’s the MONSTER RAVAGE. Justin counters with the sultan of sexy, sexy swat, ROBOYORI. FF protests that the robot shouldn’t count as he has superhuman strength. Well, doesn’t Ravage? Justin counters, that’s what I keep reading in the PbPro press releases. FF is shocked that Justin is now literate and praises the simplicity of Hooked on Phonics, maybe next he’ll be able to successfully use Geico online rate quotes. Oooh, topical burn~! Well, not so much the Hooked on Phonics.
Promo finally gets unwound from his miles of medical tape and we are ready to begin. ROBOYORI is very excited and takes a massive swing cracking Promo on the back. Promo winces and begins trying to walk it off, with a very pronounced arch in his back.
Ravage takes his turn now, spitting on his hand and tightening up his grip on the cane as Justin braces himself for the impact. Ravage pauses at the top of his swing….and BEHEADS JUSTIN WITH A LARIAT!. Promo charges and spears Yori off the apron as he jumps up to protest. This may be the shortest caning match on record. The crowd is not happy, to say the least. The timekeeper furiously rings his bell, though it does little to stop the brewing pandemonium in and around the ring.
WINNER: JUSTIN EVITABLE (0:48 DQ)
FF and A lay the boots into Yamada on the outside, and yep, there it is… full blown PANDEMONIUM~! Justin is being lifted for a chokeslam…NO! The sexbot makes the save, caning Ravage so hard it breaks the damn thing over his back. Justin kicks Ravage right in the jimmies. The arena is shaking in Pittsburgh. The sexbot has Ravage up… YOROBOT = AWESOME~! A Herculean feat of….well, I guess he is a robot, after all. Justin hits the ropes….TWISTING SUICIDE DIVE! Promo splays against the barricade and Justin doesn’t even take a moment to shake the cobwebs out before he starts pounding on the Underground Icon.
Yamada is still getting stomped, but it’s PERVERT RESCUE SQUAD~! as Yori brains FF with a dildo. There’s one for A! Yori takes off his suede coat and his alligator loafers, so you know he means business. He rolls A into the ring, but Yamada shoves him out of the way and BRAINS A WITH THE SAKE BOTTLE~! HOLY ****! Blood is pouring out of the side of A’s head. Yamada sheds his jacket and he is heading up top. RISING SUN PRESS~! The old man still has a little vim and vigor left. He calls for a mic, stopping to brain FF off the apron with it, before speaking.
Yamada has had enough of A and enough of the PbPro office. He’s just trying to run a ******* wrestling company, and A can’t leave well enough alone. They are a bunch of forty year old men still reliving the same issues from high school, who stole whose girlfriend, who should have been captain of the wrestling team. Enough is enough. They are both legends, but only one of them is a piece of ****, son of a *****, and that’s A. Yamada’s had to put up with the meddling of interlopers, fading legends and a whorish daughter. But it ends tonight, MBE v. PbPro, Yamada v. A, one on one in a LOSER LEAVES TOWN MATCH. All the marbles on the line. Now, that might not be fair, since A is, well, bleeding so much, but Yamada is three sheets to the wind after all, so fair is fair. He’s seeing three A’s right now, and they all look like bakayaros to him. Yori recommends he hit the middle one. That’s what he usually does. Yamada concurs. He says this town ain’t big enough for the both of ‘em. Yori adds “and my giant penis.”
A is up to his feet now and ready to accept when, OH HELL NO! Promo cracks that damned cricket bat across Yamada’s back. I guess it retained its magical power of being under the ring right when you need it, even outside of Hida’s possession. Cricket bat shot for Justin, cricket bat shot for Yori. Cricket bat shot for the…sexbot?! Not working so much. Promo begs off as the crowd chants “Sexbot’s gonna kill you.” FF’s up on the apron. OOOOH… taser shot for the sexbot and he is shooting sparks….now he’s doing some sort of Riverdance….and…now he’s down. FF rallies the troops and they lay the boots into Yamada. FF holds out Yamada’s arm…no, not again…JESUS! You could here that shot echo through the arena, or maybe that reverb was just Yamada’s arm breaking. ANOTHER SHOT! Yamada is in agony. FF and Promo switch off and FF adds a bombs away knee drop across the elbow. A has the A+ lock on now as trash litters the ring.
But here comes the cavalry…the whole locker room empties in various stages of wrestling readiness. Hey even Doc and crew amble out. Granted, it’s about a half minute after the rest of the gang, but it’s the thought that counts. The ring is cleared, leaving the sextum to tend to Yamada. FF gets on the mic and says on behalf of A and PbPro they humbly accept Yamada’s challenge for a Loser Leaves Town match…starting…oh….right now let’s say. Justin complains that Yamada is in no condition to wrestle, and probably has a broken freaking arm as FF cries crocodile tears. Justin says he’ll take on A right now, but Promo points out that he in no way has the authority to represent MBE…duhn duhn DUHHHHHN. Yori grabs the mic and says he’ll take on A right now, and he’ll put his stake of the company on the line, but PbPro has to do the same, one match for all the marbles. FF says he needs to think about this for a…yeah, that’ll work. Phantasmo breaks it down. “Well, A was brained with a sake bottle, and probably needs stitches, but he is wrestling Yori. Advantage: PbPro.”
LOSER LEAVES TOWN MATCH FOR FULL CONTROL OF MBE: YORI YAKAMO JR v. A
The entire locker room has surrounded the ring for what is now an impromptu lumberjack match. Yori doesn’t even wait for A to roll under the ropes before he is laying in the kicks. Yori jumps onto the PbPro legend and starts biting at the gaping wound on A’s head and comes up with a mouthful of blood. That seems unpleasant, though one would have figured Yori had earned his red wings already. Irish whip. Lou Thesz Press (with thrusting and forearm shivers). A looks to retreat to ringside, but finds the Billies willing to helpfully get him back in the ring. Yori goes for a suplex(?!) but A twists out and catches Yori with a thrust kick as he turns. The air just went out of the arena as A wastes no time following up with a jumping DDT. A starts to punish Yori with some crossfaces as FF gets on the phone with some interior decorators. He wants to send them some fabric swatches for the remodel of Yamada’s office. Double stomp to the upper back…just vicious, but Yori kicks out. No one can ever say he can’t take a beating…the entire NFW playoffs proved that. Not as bad a beating as my sanity took watching them, but what can you do?
Lungblower and A smoothly flips Yori into a triangle choke. Say what you will about the jackass, but A can still bring it in the ring. Yori barely makes the rope and A judiciously uses his five count. Yori is on dream street and hardly puts up a fight as A whips him in to the turnbuckle and follows with a handspring elbow. A hops effortlessly to the top rope and measures up Yori…who suddenly charges up the turnbuckles and pokes A in the eye! A crotches himself and falls into the ring….that took a lot out of Yori though as he falls to the mat…accidentally headbutting A in the crotch on the way down. At least that is the way the ref sees it. FF’s appeals not withstanding. Yori is up first and drops A with a series of right hands. Irish whip….monkey flip~? Yori is reaching back deep into the ol’ moveset now. Thumb to the eye….YORI = AWE…NO! A counters and just spiked Yori with a piledriver. A is pissed now, he grabs Yori by the hair and hooks him for a sharp spinning neckbreaker. A has Yori up for the A BOMB…No…Yori flips out and lands on his feet. The Cerebral Cocksassin ducks another thrust kick…SHINING GROIN KICK! YORI = AWESOME…IT’S THE UPSET OF THE CENTURY… Yori carawl over and makes the cover…NO! FF PULLS THE REF OUT OF THE RING! The crowd is apoplectic. The entire locker room is chasing PbPro from the building. Yori is counting his own three count, but it’s all for nothing. WAIT A MINUTE! OUT OF THE CROWD COMES LANCE THUNDER! He slides in the ring…1…2…NO! A gets a shoulder up! Yori can’t believe it. He’s got A up for another YORI = AWESOME. A reverses! Sunset flip. Yori with his shoulder up in the knick of time!
Yori is up first, but A reverses his Irish whip and Yori slams into the far turnbuckles. A charges, but Yori moves out of the way. A singshots onto the top rope. He’s looking for a moonsault, maybe…but Yori crotches him. He shoves A down into the tree of woe. Uh-oh…things are looking bad for A…and even worse for his testicles. Yori struts to the other side of the ring and measures A up. He charges… YAKAMO STYLE GROIN ATTACK~! Yori is using A’s jimmies like a speed bag as Lance slooooowly administers his five count. Yori is truly a virtuoso at working the groinal area. A slumps down face first on the canvas. Yori drags him to the center of the ring and heads up to the high rent district…MOONSAU……Ouchie, A gets the knees up and immediately slaps on another triangle choke.. Yori just can’t put the legend away. Yori is straining against the hold, but he has to drag himself all the way to the ropes to mercifully force a break.
A stomps down on the arm, but he is breathing heavily as you can tell his crushed junk is starting to affect him. Irish whip attempt, Yori blocks but gets his bad arm punted for good measure. Yori twists away in agony. Another lungblow….no, Yori drives A back into the turnbuckles. Inverted Atomic drop…No! A counters with a double knee to the head. Roundhouse kick and Yori drops like a sack of potatoes. A scoops him up….A BOMBAHHHHHH! Yori is out…2.9! HOLY CRAP! Yori got his shoulder up. A is livid and he accosts Thunder who demonstrates a two count in Japanese as well to get his point across. A scoops Yori up for another A Bomb…NO! Yori slips out, SCHOOLBOY! Yori has the tights and the ropes and he’s thrusting…..2.9! A manages to slip out. A quickly gets to his feet and DROPS Yori with a series of Muay Thai knees. He props Yori on the top turnbuckle…He’s following him up….this has trouble written ALL over it A is trying to position Yori for an AVALANCHE STYLE A BOMB….Yori is trying to elbow his way out, but A keeps clamping down….so Yori BITES HIS EAR. Yori has gone Mike Tyson on A. A clutches at his bleeding ear (well more bleeding) as Yori hops to the canvas. He’s got A’s legs… A is struggling as Yori tries to get him in position. A grabs the ropes in desperation…so YORI WHIPLASH BOMBS HIM TO THE MAT. Yori is strutting. He hoists A, kicks him downstairs. YORI = AWESOME. Yori is dancing. The YOROBOT IS DANCING. THE THAI HOOKERS ARE DANCING. ANOTHER YORI = AWESOME…….COUNTOH THREEEEEEE *****ES!
WINNER: YORI YAKAMO, JR (16:02: YORI = AWESOME)
Yori is leading the entire Inner Sextum in a SEXED UP~! Riverdance as FF and Promo reemerge from their hiding places threatening to sue. The entire roster celebrates in the ring…well at least until The Lot ambush The Billies from behind and touch off a three way brawl with That 70s Team. Ah well, locker room harmony is boring anyway. Doc manages to cheapshot Andy with the title and quickly retreats with Dority and Greenie. Yamada manages to find a mic and tells FF and Promo to drag the bleeding jackass out of the ring, and he better not see them around these parts again.
Well, that was a sufficiently nutty half hour. The match may come off as a bit masturbatory to some, and I’d be hard pressed to argue, but they needed a pretty wham bam blowoff to this angle, which had lost a ton of steam over the last few shows. A ton of back and forth action makes this about as good a Yori singles match as you will see not involving eighteen stipulations, dueling robot clones, or a flamethrowing dildo. I doubt this is the last you will see of Promo for those of you about to e-mail me asking. He has broken the arms of two legends now, and I’m sure he will want to stick around and gloat about it.
NANANANA NANANANA HEY HEY HEY GOODBYE
We’re back and Yamada and Yori are watching security escort PbPro from the building…Yori says it’s the best thing he’s ever seen. Yamada asks about the birth of his grandson, but Yori wasn’t actually in the room for that…or conscious probably. Yamada is so pleased he almost wants Yori to remarry his daughter. Yori doesn’t seem to fond of the idea and they share a laugh and a cigar. Yamada is in such a good mood (though granted it might be the morphine he got from the medics) he’s not even going to wait to announce that MBE has a new network deal with ESEN. No shock there as we reported it in last week’s Wrestling Chronicle, but once again I shutter to imagine what they will be allowed to get away with on a late night slot on that network. Well since this may be the last WNW for a while, Yamada thinks they should go out with a bang. And considering Doc Silver was so willing to use his title to sucker punch Andy, he should have no problem defending it tonight. I don’t really follow that logic, but whatever, your WNW main event is now a title match. Somewhere Doc is chewing a whole wad of nicotine gum and trashing the house of cards that Greenie has been building in his locker room.
TRIPLE THREAT NO DQ MATCH FOR THE MBE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: DUCHESS v. ANDY GILKISON v. DOC SILVER (c)
Vinman is in the ring and announcing our main event, which is now for the MBE World Heavyweight Championship. That brings Doc out from behind the curtain before his music even starts, and isn’t the champion supposed to enter last, anyway? Doc looks mighty pissed and calls for Vinman to give him the mic. He says he’s not sticking around if this is gonna be a title match. He’s already beaten Duchess more times than the entire Eastern Conference beat the Penguins last year. Boo hiss for cheap heat. And Andy, well, everyone knows Andy is mentally and physically incapable of winning the world title. If he couldn’t get it off Spoiler, how is he going to get it off someone the caliber of Doc. Silver does think quite a lot of himself, doesn’t he? Anyway, the gist of it is, Doc is taking his belt and he is going home. They can count him out if he wants, because they can’t get this belt from him. Doc steps through the ropes as thee crowd boos, but he doesn’t get two steps up the ramp before Duchess comes barreling out of the back and spears Doc to the rampway, sending his belt and vitamin water flying into the air. Ref Thunder shrugs and calls for the bell. At least they got him a real ref’s shirt for the main.
Duchess punts Doc back under the bottom rope as Andy comes sprinting down the rampway as well. He hops the top rope and adds some stomps to Doc as well. It’s STOMP THE DOC~! Coming this fall from Paramount Pictures! Double dropkick knocks Doc through the ropes…and SHOCKINGLY Duchess uses the opportunity to schoolboy Andy. The Gilkinator is out at two and none too happy. Andy reverses an Irish whip and catches Duchess with a high back body drop, but Duchess lands on her feet! She hits the ropes and ducks a clothesline from Gilkison. She turns and fires off a kick right to Gilkie’s upper thigh. And another. Andy winces in pain, but stays on his feet. Duchess hits the ropes and slides through Gilkison’s legs, before catching Andy with a short dropkick to the knee. Andy still on his feet, though, and levels Duchess with an axe bomber as she rises. Doc, meanwhile, has taken a seat at the announce table and is calling the action with Phantasmo and Till.
Andy wastes no time going for the kill as he busts out the rolling vertical suplexes on Duchess, but it’s too early in the match to throw bombs as Duchess counters the second one with a small package for two. Doc almost beheaded himself and ripped his headset out of the wall sprinting to the ring in case he had to break up that pin. Duchess catches a charging Andy with a drop toe hold and rolls into a modified Indian deathlock. Doc decides this is a good time to reenter the ring and catches the vulnerable Duchess with a Yakuza kick. He quickly tries to steal a pinfall, but Duchess is out at two. Doc tries Andy now, slamming his knee into the canvas and applying a side leglock. Andy’s left knee is getting worked over pretty good tonight. Duchess is up now and is more than willing to return the favor to Doc, blasting the world champ with a series of soccer kicks. Doc rolls for the safety of the ropes, but Duchess adds some knees to the prone Doc as Lance tries to separate the two. Yeah, not like there is any bad blood there. Andy limps over to Duchess and CRUSHES her with a backdrop suplex. Seriously dangerous angle on that one. He drags doc into the center of the ring now and presses the world champ over his head. Impressive on that bad knee. He drops Doc face first on to the canvas and adds a Warrior (Frog) Splash for good measure. Andy may have gotten a wee bit more height on that than the master of Forkucity, though. Duchess manages to break up the pinfall attempt at two.
Duchess and Andy exchange chops. Andy gets the better of the exchange and backs Duchess into the corner. Irish whip to the turnbuckles. Andy shakes out his leg and charges across the ring, but that gives Duchess time to dodge his Stinger splash. Duchess chop blocks the dazed Gilkinator and looks for a figure four. Andy kicks her off though and she hits the far ropes and rebounds into a snap powerslam. Doc breaks it up at two and a half by dropping an elbow on Gilkison’s knee. Clever boy there. He rolls Andy over and hooks the figure four. Andy is in a world of hurt and struggles to roll Doc over. Doc casually grabs the ropes for leverage and gets a set of two counts out of the hold. Duchess drops a leg across Doc’s arms, breaking his hold on the ropes. Duchess follows by slapping a cross armbreaker on Doc while he still has Andy in the figure four. Doc is screaming bloody murder as Lance bops back and forth seeing if anyone wants to call it quits. No takers.
Finally, with Doc distracted by the intense pain in his elbow, Andy rolls Doc over and reverses the pressure. This allows Doc to lock his arms to relieve some pressure of his own, and the momentum takes Doc on top of Duchess for a pin. Duchess gives up the hold and kicks out at two, leaving Doc a second short of retaining his title, and stuck in Andy’s Indian deathlock. Poor bastard just can’t catch a break, and we all feel so bad for him. Duchess puts an end to the deathlock, dropping a senton across the tangled legs of her two combatants. That looked straight up nasty. Duchess tries to follow up with an ankle lock on Andy, but Andy kicks her off. She charges out of the corner, but gets cut off by a superkick from Doc. Doc tries to add one for Andy, but Andy ducks. Doc stops the kick and goes for his DDT, but Andy is ready for it and delivers a Northern Lights Suplex, but he can’t hold the bridge. Andy struggles to his feet, as Doc shakes off the cobwebs….kick to the gut…ACE’S FU….nope, Andy counters with THE GILKIMISSION! Doc is in trouble….he’s got nowhere to go. He’s reaching for the ropes, but they are just out of his grasp. Duchess makes the save, clipping Andy and dropping Doc and him into a pile on the mat. Duchess rolls up Doc….TWO COUNT! Andy is up and PISSED OFF! T-Bone Suplex for Duchess! He goes back for the Gilkimission on Doc, but Doc slips out behind him. Andy turns. Kick to the Gut! ACE’S FULL STUNNAH~! Doc covers….2.9! Doc should have hooked the leg there. Though he may think he is in the poker room at the Wynn right now.
Doc is up but turns right into a huricanrana from Duchess. 2.9! Doc woozily charges…drop toe hold….ANKLE LOCK~! DOC IS SCREAMING FOR MERCY! THERE’S ANDY! BIG BOOT FOR DUCHESS. The First Lady of MBE crumples to the mat. Andy limps over. He’s got her up. GILKINATION DDT! NO! DUCHESS GETS HER FOOT ON THE ROPE! Andy was so close right there. He can’t believe it either. He’s signaling for the ANDYBOMB~! Don’t know how smart that is with his knee in the shape it is. He’s got Duchess up! ANDYBOMBAHHHHHH….NO! Doc cuts Andy’s legs out from under him with a desperate lunge. Duchess’s neck just snapped on the top rope on the way down. Straight up nasty. She is out like a light. WAIT A MINUTE! Doc is tying Andy’s bad leg up in the ropes. What a bastard! I really just can’t call him a bastard enough. Andy is desperately trying to free himself but he can’t quite reach. Doc has Duchess up…NO! NOT THE RIVER! Duchess is out. Doc covers. THE BASTARD RETAINS. Doc escapes again.
WINNER: DOC SILVER (19:43: The River)
Doc adds some parting stomps to the upside down Andy as he raises the title high above his head. Really solid match, though, all action from bell to bell. You gotta give the bastard credit, he always finds a way to win…and this time he managed to do it without cheating…too much.
Doc parades up the entrance ramp and stops to jaw with some fans when PROMO FLIES DOWN THE RAMPWAY AND BLASTS DOC WITH YAKAMOCITO! Doc starts bleeding before he even hits the ramp and Promo picks the title up and holds it aloft, before dropping it back on Doc. He produces a mic that was conveniently fastened between his belt and pants. He says his contract was with MBE not PbPro so you lucky ingrates are stuck with him. Not only that, Promo figures that with a new network and a new beginning, MBE is desperately in need of a new champion…or an old one in this case. Promo is cashing in the title shot that is rightfully his as the last recognized and undefeated MBE World Champion. Well, if anyone can get Doc cheered at the arena, it’s the Underground Icon. He waves to the quite annoyed crowd as we fade to the MBE logo.
THE WRAP-UP
Hey, considering the circumstances of the show, pretty damn good effort from MBE. Two really good matches up top, brewing angles in the tag division and a fresh start that doesn’t feel too much like a reboot. If nothing else, you’ll want to tune into the ESEN show to see what they will actually do and the promise of a crazy ass tag titles match and a technically strong world title match shouldn’t hurt either.
REWIND REWARDS for 5/25/07
MATCH OF THE NIGHT : Triple Threat World Title Match
SPOT OF THE NIGHT: : YOROBOT = AWESOME on Ravage
LINE OF THE NIGHT: “Watching Duchess and Andy fight is like watching my children fight, Till. My retarded, illegitimate, should be playing in traffic, children.” – Doc Silver