Yori Yakamo jr
League Member
It’s Matt Burke again, live from my living room couch. I was at the tapings this afternoon and it was quite an interesting, if at times bizarre, show. More backstage problems actually led to a legit firing, as Yamada finally laid his foot down on some of the problem behavior that has marred the last couple shows. It’s not who you might think, though.
The place was packed again for another legitimate sell out. This was probably the right place to run the tag tournament, since they can draw here on the MBE name alone, as none of the matches might make an average wrestling fan stand up and take notice. Rumored no-shows from AJ and Promo again this week, but more on that later.
Credits. Pyro. Crowd shots. And we are off, right into a first round tag tourney match.
QH1
Ezeki and Doc are out first, and the crowd seems about as thrilled to see them as they are to be in the arena. Ezeki’s entrance is positively minimalist this week, with just his attendants and two, count ‘em two, geishas. He must have pissed someone off back home. Doc is amused by the whole spectacle, as no doubt he thinks he can ride the popularity and girth of the Japanese superstar to another undeserved title reign.
It’s worth noting that for seven years Andy has maintained a great rapport with the MBE fans, that is one heck of a babyface run, and he is rewarded by teaming him with a robot. From my conversations with some of the creative people, they were worried about Yori’s influence turning MBE into NFW North. Let’s just say the robot parade isn’t helping. The robot looks less like ROBOYORI and more like the robot from Lost in Space, the helmet part is tinted though, so you can’t see in. He is wheeled out by his service technician to the sounds of Kraftwerk, in the first surreal moment of the night.
Andy and Doc start off and Andy makes some headway before running into the massiveness of Ezeki. Andy is game, but he is overwhelmed by the sheer size of the sumo. The story is he is reluctant to tag out to the robot, preferring to go it alone. That gets him on the wrong end of some nefarious cheating by Doc and company, sending him careening over a lowered top rope and to the floor where Doc and Dority can waylay him for a bit. Back in the ring Doc works him over with some judicious use of eye pokes and right hands. He finally counters a Doc suplex into a suplex of his own, and on pure instinct tags out to the robot. THE ROBOT IS A HOUSE AFIRE! Hip toss for Doc! Clothesline for Ezeki! Body slam for Andy! Whoops, perhaps he needs a software upgrade. Doc jumps the robot from behind and the robot proves his superiority to ROBOYORI as he can actually get off his back. That’s sure to cut into Yori’s market share in the wrestling robot industry. The robot doesn’t seem to have the density of the YORobot either as Ezeki is able to give it a huge belly to belly, that’ll fry a few circuits. The mysterybot plays Robot-in-peril for a while as Doc and Ezeki seem to be functioning quite well as a tag team, continuing the long MBE tradition of completely bizarre tag teams that some how work.
The robot sells Ezeki’s nerve hold, adding to the weirdness. Andy shouts encouragement, telling it that it’s a robot, and has no nerves, but the robot doesn’t seem to be listening to him. At least he didn’t say he has nerves of steel. The ref checks the robot. But he pulls his arm up right before it drops for the third time. Obviously someone programmed the robot well. Some elbow drops loosen the grip and the robot tries to bodyslam his way out. That doesn’t work so well and Ezeki lands on top for a near fall. You know, despite the spontaneous dance breaks, and the general fire hazard it poses, the YORobot may still be the best wrestling robot in MBE. I’m sure that is the kind of hard-hitting analysis you all come to this site for right there. Ezeki tags out and Doc goes to work on the Mysterybot. You know, without a groin to kick or eye to poke, Doc could be at a bit of a loss here. Well, there’s always stomping I guess. And sure enough, Doc works over the metallic mystery man with some vicious boots to the titanium solar plexus. The crowd is chanting for the robot, with Andy leading them along. Never let it be said that Gilkison isn’t a team player.
The robot finally shows some signs of life, avoiding a Doc charge in the corner and catching Silver with a flying shoulder block. Ezeki is on the scene though and grabs the robot by his shoulders. Doc goes for the double team, but the Robot ducks and Ezeki is knocked to the floor. The robot dives for the tag and Andy and Doc are laying into each other in the center of the ring. The crowd is red-hot for this and this could be a money singles match down the line. Andy gets the better of this first exchange though, backing Doc into the far corner. He follows with an irish whip across the ring and his version of the Stinger splash. He catches Doc with the Gilkination DDT, but Ezeki gets back in the ring just in time to break up the pinfall. Ezeki is pretty nimble for a six-hundred pounder. Andy fights off the sumo, but turns right into an Ace’s Full Stunner from Doc followed by a HYOOOGE German Suplex from Ezeki. Ezeki goes for the cover, but Andy barely gets a shoulder up at two. The PbPro attendants are aghast, and hop onto the apron to protest the ref’s obviously egregious error in judgment. Doc shows them the proper way to distract a ref, whipping the robot into him, crushing the poor referee in the corner. With the ref duly incapacitated, Ezeki, Doc and Dority triple team poor Andy. The attendants get into it do, and I think I saw a geisha hit Andy with a shoe or something.
But heeeeeere’s Irish red. He comes plowing down the ramp and dives into the melee, tossing people left and right to get at Ezeki. He spears Ezeki, and doesn’t really move the big man too far, but then the robot dives in as well, and all three spill out to the floor. Meanwhile, senior MBE referee Lance Thunder is running down to ringside. He gets there just in time to see Andy catch Doc with a small package, but no! Doc is out at two. Doc is angry! He levels Andy with a series of knees and sets Gilkison for The River, but here is the robot to break that up. He picks up Doc and delivers a vicious dragon suplex. Doc is on dream street. Andy heads up top and the two pull out a Doomsday Device for the pinfall, while Ezeki is busy dealing with Red.
WINNER: Andy Gilkison/Mysterybot 3000 (Andy-> Doc: Doomsday Device- 12:27)
Ezeki is pissed and storms the ring, but is held back by his attendants and the fashionably tardy MBE security team. Red makes the international symbol for ‘I want your belt’ as he retreats through the crowd. The robot pulls Andy out of harm’s way and the two head to the back as Ezeki’s temper tantrum continues. Time for MBE to pay the bills.
--Commercial--
QH2
And we are back with intrepid backstage reporter Biff Bentley. He is interviewing His Freshness on his absence from the tag tournament. Jogi says he is only interested in one title, and that is the MBE World Heavyweight Championship. His entourage nods in agreement. Jogi says that it doesn’t matter who is standing in his way, old friends or old enemies. He came back to MBE to prove he is the, well we never find out the answer as Jogi stops in mid-sentence with the arrival of Promo and AJ. Promo takes the mic and says that Jogi did the right thing staying out of the tag team tournament, as it is one less asskicking he would have to take from himself and AJ. Promo says that he and AJ already hold the two most important singles belts in MBE (delusional, much?) and before the week is over they will hold the tag titles as well. Jogi says those belts they carry around wouldn’t even net him ten bucks at Jojo’s Pawn Shop and Check Cashing. Promo says that may be, but at least they don’t hide in their locker room while the big boys are wrestling. Promo and AJ are going to go through the entire MBE roster for their next title, Jogi wouldn’t even get by Aussie B. Poor Aussie B, even in retirement he is an eternal punchline. Promo delivers the ironic line of the evening, as he says that interview time should be reserved for people who are actually competing on the show tonight. He says that unless Jogi is planning on lacing up his boots tonight, he should step out of the way and let the champions have the mic. Jogi gets up in Promo’s face, but a smile comes across his lips and he drops the mic at Promo’s feet and backs off, grinning the whole way. Promo and AJ gloat as Jogi and his confused entourage exit the scene.
And now we are in the room where, god help us, all the major decisions in MBE are made. Yep, it’s Yori’s office and he is giving a pep talk to Justin Evitable and an unhappy looking Michael J. Cox. Okay, he is actually talking to a potted plant, but they are encouraging words nonetheless, something about eternal salvation and a meatball sandwich. Cox complains that he asked for a human partner this week, and instead gets Justin Evitable. Oooh, burn. Justin points out that at least he has a victory in MBE, which is more than Cox can say. And the robot just dances, oblivious to the internal tension in the group. Smitty tells Cox to get his head together and they will bring home the gold for king and country and pervert. Cox says he came to MBE to win matches and get women. And while he is doing fine on the latter point, the former one, not so much. Smitty says if he doesn’t shut up and do his job, he won’t have to worry about winning matches for much longer. Justin adds an ‘Oh, snap,’ for good measure. Cox is less than pleased.
Back to the ring and Till is breaking down the Behemoths v. Duchess/Red match. And here come the Behemoths, still as large as life. A bunch of people e-mailed me wondering what the deal was with Professor Tremendous this week. It’s Professor T, kiddies, the real story will probably not measure up to whatever goat-related antics you imagine in your head, so I will leave it a mystery. Duchess and Red are out next. Duchess doesn’t get nearly enough credit for giving solid performances week in and week out in a fed where reliability hasn’t exactly been a prime characteristic of the roster. I know there are issues of physical credibility, but all around the circuit you are seeing more female champions, and Hida and Torn weren’t exactly heavyweights. We go to commercial as Duchess and Red enter the ring.
--Commercial--
We’re back and the ref is running down the rules to each team. One thing I haven’t mentioned yet is I like the full ring introductions for each match, it gives it a nice old school feel, and they seem to finally have chastised the few idiots who keep throwing streamers. Save them for your next trip to Kourakuen Hall, geeks.
QH3
This is kind of an odd choice in match placement, as it has a similar tone to the last match, with the size v. speed dynamic. Red and Duchess dominate early, busting out the double teams on the portly Behemoths. Duchess hits a gorgeous bounce back rana on Mastodon that gets a well-deserved replay. Red and Mammoth brawl on the floor, as Red is wont to do. I’m still waiting for that one star-making performance from Red in MBE, I know he has it in him, but I haven’t seen it yet. He dodges a charge from Mammoth that sends the big man shoulder first into the post. He rolls the Mammoth back into the ring, and they begin working over the shoulder some more with a tag team armbreaker. Red drops a knee across the injured arm and works it over with a keylock. This is the kind of technical, smart work that MBE was known for back in the day, and it is nice to see them bring it back some, with the top of the card dominated by brawlers and more power move type guys.
Mammoth finally turns the tide, as he counters a tornado armbreaker attempt into a nasty looking backbreaker and tags out to Mastodon, who promptly squashed Red with a leg drop. Ooh, they had the crowd believing that near fall. Remember kids, you can’t teach size. Red plays pancake-in-peril for a bit, including eating an absolutely unsafe looking powerslam from Mastodon. The Behemoths get a lot of hate for not being technical marvels, but anyone who beats them always looks good for just overcoming their sheer size. Red dodges what surely would be a life-ending second rope senton from Mammoth (he always was the agiler one) and makes the desperation tag to Duchess. Red did a good job selling his previous rib injuries there.
Duchess does her best David impression, but instead of rock, she uses herself and slingshots off the top rope, catching Mammoth with a springboard dropkick. Mammoth stays on his feet, though, and promptly drops Duchess with a running shoulder block. WORST. HOT TAG. EVER. That was different. Duchess is a step ahead of Mammoth though, and lures him into the corner where he misses a spear, further injuring the shoulder. Duchess heads up top and dives off with a diving cross armbreaker. Mammoth tries to make the ropes, but Irish Red dropkicks his knee from the apron, knocking Mammoth down in the center of the ring. Mastadon lumbers across the ring a second too late, and Mammoth taps out, sending Duchess and Red onto the semifinals.
WINNER: Duchess and Irish Red (Duchess->Mammoth: Cross Armbreaker- 6:27)
So our first semifinal is set and helpfully displayed on a graphic inset. Red and Duchess v. Mysterybot 3000 and Andy. Really, I wouldn’t even try to make a prognostication there. I guess it all depends on which Mysterybot shows up.
We are dropped into the middle of a conversation between Jogi Fresh and Yori. Yori is intrigued by his idea and is considering subscribing to his newsletter, but he doesn’t like to invest in ideas without his trademark underwater scuba porn. Jogi doesn’t think he can make that work. It’s like they are speaking two different languages or something. Jogi is about to leave in a huff, but Yori asks him if he can find him some really good meatball sandwiches. Jogi asks how many he needs. Yori isn’t sure how many meatball sandwiches are required to escape eternal damnation, but he says go with a gross to be safe. Jogi flips open his cell phone and says he will see what he can do, but Yori has to do something for him. Yori offers him a hundred virgin Thai Hookers, Jogi says he has something else in mind. INTRIGUE~!
Things aren’t going so swimmingly in Yamada’s office as Ezeki and his attendants have a very loud argument in Japanese. Yamada looks like he wants a handful of aspirin. Or perhaps a gun. He finally gets everyone quiet and assures Ezeki that his title defense will be carried out with the utmost care and respect. One of the officials says that ‘A’ is not happy with the way Yamada has allowed his champion to be treated. Yamada says that a PbPro referee will officiate the match, to prevent any shenanigans like this week, and he has banned anyone from interfering in the match under penalty of firing. Another attendant claims that the entire trip has been a disaster and ‘A’ and company are completely reconsidering their investment in MBE. Especially when it is being run by a drug-addled lunatic and sex pervert. Hey, that’s not a nice thing to say about Yamada. Oh. Right. Yamada says that Ezeki will get his chance for revenge. Ezeki says everything better go smoothly, or ‘A’ will have something to say about it. Yamada finally snaps “Ooh, not ‘A’, anything but ‘A’, get out of my office all of you.” ‘A’ won’t like that one bit, I’ll bet.
A new Awakenings promo airs, hyping the tag team finals and Irish Red v. Ezeki. Obviously PbPro can’t be too pissed if they are letting them use footage from some of Ezeki’s bigger matches.
-Commercial-
QH 4
We’re back from commercial and down to ringside for our third first round match. And here come the Thrillbillies, and they’ve brought Jimmy Donovan along for back-up. Probably a good idea considering the parade of weirdoes that will no doubt be accompanying their opponents to the ring. And here they come, like the world’s most perverted Gracie Train. Cox leads the way out and still seems a little cranky with the whole idea. Is he too good for this group? Well, he is a porn star, but not a midget porn star, so perhaps. The robot tries to get up on the apron, obviously thinking it is his turn to wrestle. Cox shoves him off and the robot’s smile turns to a frown. Awww, the crowd did not like that. The robot dances, but it’s a little half-hearted. Justin tells Cox not to mess with the robot, and while the two have a frank exchange of ideas, the Thrillbillies get the drop on them. Jake knocks Justin off the apron with a spinning heel kick, and Hoss drops Cox with an axe bomber. It quite quickly breaks down in the arena, as the Billies are taking no prisoners. Jake with the spot of the night so far, as he misses a blind charge into the ramp, but stops short, hops onto the ramp and moonsaults back onto Justin. “Holy ****” chant for that one.
Back in the ring, Hoss is working over Cox’s ribs, with some body blows in the corner, and a gutbuster. Some fluid tag team work by the Thrillbillies, quick tags in and out. Justin has finally had enough and breaks up a camel clutch with a dropkick to Hoss’s mush. Jake takes offense and we get some more brawling. Cox manages to procure a dildo from Smitty and conks Hoss while the ref is distracted trying to get Jake and Justin back to their respective corners. Cox drags Hoss over to his corner and TEAM PERVERT takes over. Justin has looked very spry since coming back to MBE. Either he is finally very serious about wrestling, or Yori has supplied him with some real good uppers. I’d lay odds at 50/50. Another nice spot as Hoss reverses an irish whip, Justin ducks a clothesline and springboards back off the ropes into a twisting DDT. The robot approves. This time it is Jake who takes umbrage with a Buffalo sleeper from Justin and breaks it up with a running knee strike. Like Europe in the early 1900’s we are just waiting for things to boil over into all out warfare. Hoss fights back against Dildo power, and counters a Cox Irish whip into a swinging neckbreaker and tags out to Jake. Jake quickly clears Cox out of the ring with a dropkick and follows with a Spaceman Plancha onto the gaggle of deviants. Cox escapes the brunt of the dive and sneaks back into the ring to jump Hoss, who has Justin set up for Dixie Driver. A double team DDT follows, but Hoss is not the legal man. Cox calls for the robot to send Jake back into the ring, which he does, though probably slightly faster than Cox anticipated, leading to a close near fall off a robot-aided cross body.
Cox has had enough and begins yelling at the robot, while half-heartedly stomping on Jake. The robot responds by jumping up on the apron and asking for the tag. AND COX SLAPS THE ROBOT! Big heat for that. The robot looks like it is gonna cry big oily tears, but instead starts doing the bump. Hoss drags Justin off his partner and clotheslines him over the top to the floor. He charges Cox who gets bumped into the robot. Not much give there as Cox cracks against his metallic hide, the force is enough to knocke the robot off the apron and leave it prone on its back, though. A woozy Cox eats the Jonesvillecanrana, and Smitty is cut off from interefering by Donovan. And that is all she wrote.
WINNER: The Thrillbillies (McCody-> Cox: Jonesvillecanrana- 9:27)
Cox is finally up, and he is NOT happy. He shoves Smitty and Riki out of the way as they try and get ROBOYORI back to his feet. Cox starts kicking the robot. The crowd is pissed. Till is quite aghast as well, and asks what this sport has come to when a man can pick on a helpless sex bot. Justin saves the day, ordering Cox to leave the poor robot alone. He was just trying to help. Cox piefaces Justin and it is on as the two begin to brawl.
Backstage, we are treated to a close-up of a boot being laced up. The camera pulls out and it is Jogi Fresh in a referee’s uniform. Uh-oh. This can’t bode well for Promo and AJ. Though frankly, I would have taken the Thai hookers. We pull out even more and can see Yori’s office in the distance, now happily filled with about a hundred meatball grinders.
-Commercial-
Back from commercial and Cox and Justin are still going at it, they have brawled out to the auxillary parking lot. Smitty, Riki, and the Robot arrive with a fairly functional Yori, who is about halfway through his fifteenth meatball grinder, judging by the amount of marinara sauce on his face and suit. He is about to put a stop to these shenanigans when his eyes fall on a Yugo parked nearby, Yori drops to his knees, mouth slightly agape. He tells the Yugo he’ll be right back with enough meatball sandwiches to blot out the sun itself. But before he can leave, he is accosted by Cox who tells him that he has had enough of his Robot, his ineffectual flunkies, and his lame tag partner. He is so mad he even kicks the Yugo. Oh, that was a big mistake. Yori snaps and just destroys Cox with a nutshot to end all nutshots. We are talking full on alligator skin shoe on testicles action. Yori says you can mess with his sex robot, you can sleep with his sister, you can even steal a meatball sandwich of eternal salvation for tomorrow’s lunch (DAMN YOU RIKI!!!!!!), but you DO NOT kick the Yugo (that may or may not be God). He fires Cox on the spot, and orders the YORobot to throw this pervert out of the building. The YORobot is glad to do so, dancing the whole way out of the parking lot, with a grimacing Cox slung over his shoulder. Yori is satisfied and orders everyone back to his office for a Naked Meatball Sandwich and Russian Pop Star party. Sexy music plays the crew off. The camera lingers on the Yugo, and the Hobo pops back up. He laments that he is never getting his meatball sandwich.
Oooookay. Well, that was certainly one way to write a character out. The real story is Cox through a **** fit this morning about how his character was being handled, and Yamada finally made an example out of somebody. It has been a bit of the inmates running the asylum the last few weeks, and the ‘stars’ coming and going as they pleased. Cox may be a bit of a sacrificial lamb, but he picked the wrong time to complain about his character direction. Impressed he stuck around and did business, though. A little too “Passion of the Sexbot” for my liking, but it was certainly entertaining.
QH5
It’s time for the last of our first round matches and it’s the Sheffield Wednesday Lot heading down the ramp. It seems the hooligan’s hooligans have increased in number, as their looks to be an even half dozen Sheffield Wednesday jersey-wearing mooks in the front row this week, chanting along with The Lot. They stop for a bit to chum it up, and to have some beer poured over them. That seems like a waste of six bucks right there.
Promo and AJ are out and the crowd response is still strong, but not nearly as much so as it was the first week at the arena. This is what I was worried about; they kind of dropped the ball here a bit. They should have had Promo wrestling all along. The bait and switch with Andy left a bad taste in a lot of people’s mouths, and I know a few of the bigger names just refused to do business with the ‘champ’ after that. There is still a chance to salvage this, though, and AJ and Promo really should be the top heels in this company. We’ll see how it plays out.
AJ and Promo notice there is no referee in the ring. You know, you’d think they would have negotiated in their contracts to have a live feed of the broadcast in their locker room so they weren’t caught off guard by stuff like this. And here is Jogi, decked out in ref’s gear. AJ and Promo are unhappy with this particular turn of events, needless to say. Jogi assures them that he will call it straight down the middle, but takes the opportunity to slap the two around a bit under the guise of checking them for foreign objects. Promo is about to object with his fists, but Jogi pops his referee’s jersey and threatens to DQ Promo right there. After a brief chat with the Lot, he is convinced that they have no foreign objects on them, so no need to check or anything. Promo is incensed and he and AJ start to walk out of the match, claiming they don’t need the tag belts. The entourage is there at the top of the ramp to block his exit, though, so he decides that he can overcome the odds, he is the World Champ after all.
The bell finally rings and we are off. Collar and elbow, and Promo is backed into the corner, some choking from Marion and Jogi administers the world’s slowest five count, stopping to tie his shoes between ‘three’ and ‘four.’ AJ is livid and yells at Jogi to call it down the middle. Jogi goes over and lectures AJ on just how unbiased he is while Nate and Marion stomp on Promo in the corner. Ah, high art from MBE right here. Promo powers out of an Abdominal Stretch from Nate, who curiously was never tagged in, must have slipped Jogi’s mind, and drops some elbows. The world’s slowest pinfall count follows, and Nate is out well before two. Promo has had enough, and tags out to AJ. AJ hits a picture perfect backbreaker followed by a knee drop for a one count. He argues with AJ some, allowing Nate to grab a schoolboy roll-up, a brisk three count later, and that is the match.
WINNER: The Sheffield Wednesday Lot (Nate-> AJ: Schoolboy Roll-up- 1:52)
Jogi smiles and rolls under the bottom rope before Promo or AJ can get their hands on him. The crowd is mockingly chanting “Match of the Year.” Meanwhile, the Lot celebrates like they just won the Super Bowl, or, you know, whatever the British Soccer thingie is. Entertaining enough, but this certainly isn’t helping the ‘Promo never wrestles’ vibe of the last few weeks. He and AJ need to come up big at the PPV, or else get buried under a pretty stacked line-up.
We get a recap of MBE’s performance in the group stage of the TEAM Dupree Cup Tournament. Shocking that they waited until this week to do that, really. I’m sure it wouldn’t have anything to do with their last opponent. Andy/Red gets the most screen time, which makes sense. They showed this in the arena too, and Spoiler and Hida got the biggest pops, which tells you something. Namely, that they probably shouldn’t show this in the arena, even if they want to toot their own horn.
Backstage, the Mysterybot has hit the old craft's service table and is shoving cupcake after cupcake into it's helmet. Ummm, it actually gets weirder as ROBOYORI arrives. The two robots look each other up and down. ROBOYORI smiles and starts doing the hustle. Mysterybot joins in, but the impromptu dance party is interrupted by Andy who taps the robot on the shoulder and says it's gametime. ANDY AND SOME ROBOT ARE NEXT!
--Commercial--
QH6
Doc and Dority are standing outside Yori’s office. Doc has a package in his hand, and does not look particularly happy. Doc knocks and then shields his eyes. You know, just in case. Riki peers out the door, and Doc asks to speak to Yori. Riki says this is Yori, he’s just wearing an eyepatch, because they ate all the meatball sandwiches, and now they are having a pirate party. Yori asks Doc if he wants to see his wooden leg, and the FCC picks up their phone and prepares to dial MBE HQ. Doc asks him what the meaning of this is. He opens the package and a dildo falls out. Squeaked that one in just after 10:30. Yori says he sent it so Doc could get some practice, since he is in a dildo on a pole match against Justin Evitable at MBE Awakenings. Doc is furious, and demands to know what gives Yori the right to book him in these god-awful matches. Yori claims the Yugo told him to, and the Yugo’s will be done. Yori adds that unless he wants to strip down to bloomers and put on an eyepatch, he best be setting sail for less sexy waters. Doc vows revenge as Yori slams the door and the strains of a very perverse version of ‘100 bottle of beer on the wall’ starts up from the party. Doc angrily kicks the dildo down the hallway. Well, that’s a segment right there.
It’s time for our first semifinal match as Red and Duchess are back on their way to ringside. They had the easier first round match, and both of their members are carbon-based life forms, so I think they have to be considered a slight favorite. Andy will never say die, though. As for the robot, well, it’s a robot.
The robot starts against Red, who seems fairly amused by the whole affair. He does the robot, mocking the bot. Not too bad for a white guy from South Dakota, actually. The bot responds with a little ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ as the crowd chants “You Got Served.” Collar and elbow tie-up and the robot shoves Red to the mat. Red gets back up, lather, rinse, repeat. Perhaps this is some post-modern commentary on the mechanization of America, or something. Red finally just pokes the robot in the eyes, or you know, where the eyes would be. The robot stumbles around blind, and Red is intrigued. He stomps on the robot’s foot, and the robot begins hopping around. A kick to the nuts puts the robot down. The ref tries to warn Red, but Red points out that this is hardly an anatomically correct robot. The robot is angry though, and treats Red like Tokyo, smacking him down to the canvas. A robot leg drop gets the first pin attempt of the match.
Andy and the Robot continue their tag team synergy from the first round with a nice Heart Attack clothesline. Andy controls Red for a while, working over his back with a nice series of rolling suplexes and a bow and arrow lock. Andy is actually getting a bit of heel heat here and there, probably from the TEAM event. Red turns the tide with a little help from Duchess, who hooks Andy’s leg when he is going for a hanging vertical suplex. Red falls on top for a two count, and distracts the ref while Duchess drags Andy’s leg over the apron and slams it down a few times. Red slaps on a knee bar to try and get his wits back about him and work over Andy’s knee at the same time.
QH7
Duchess and Red start to turn the crowd as they play a little game of leverage behind the referee’s back. Duchess pulling on Red’s arms to torque a figure four leglock just a little more, but always seeming to be examining her nails when the ref looks back in her direction. She gets her licks in on Andy’s leg as well, including an emphatic looking dropkick on Andy’s knee while it is draped over the middle turnbuckle. She gets a few two counts off a figure four of her own, but Andy doesn’t have any quit in him. Andy counters a shin breaker from Red into a jumping DDT and we have a double KO, Andy is about to tag in Mysterybot, but gets cut off by Duchess, much to the dismay of the crowd. Duchess looks for a dragon screw, but eats an enzuigiri. AND HERE’S THE ROBOT! HIP TOSSES FOR ALL! The robot hits a spinny facebuster thing on Duchess, but Red manages to just barely break up the pinfall. Red gets tossed by Andy and after a double team spinebuster, the robot sends Andy up for the Doomsday Device. Andy leaps….AND MISSES! The robot dropped Duchess and let Andy flop on the canvas. Must need a software upgrade. Andy groggily confronts the Bot, who removes his helmet and IT’S AJ CIRRUS. AJ SLAMS THE HELMET INTO THE SKULL OF ANDY. To say the crowd is pissed would be an understatement. AJ walking around in a giant robot costume is kind of amusing though. He picks Andy up and delivers the Thunder Clap. Never one to be that picky, Duchess covers and Red and Duchess are headed to the Tag Team Title match.
WINNER: Duchess and Irish Red (Duchess-> Andy: AJ’s Thunder Clap- 11:22)
Well, a fun little traditional tag match with a big surprise. Seriously, they used the robot thing right there, and with AJ elsewhere on the card, I didn’t see this one coming. Even more heat for the Last Man Standing match, and they’ve done a good job of keeping both participants strong. I don’t know about Red wrestling twice on the PPV, but we’ll see.
Backstage we see Jimmy Donovan wandering about. He comes upon a sign that points to the direction of “Right Fit Looking Hookers.” Donovan goes to investigate.
--Commercial--
Back from commercial and we are in the “MBE Control Room” and Biff runs down the entire Awakenings Card for us. This has an old school WCW Saturday Night feel to it, complete with cheesy match graphics. They better do this for every PPV, cause it’s just cheesy enough to be awesome. Biff does manage to run down the stipulations for the dildo on a pole match without breaking even a smile, guess that B.A. in Communications was worth something after all.
There is a commotion backstage and Jimmy Donovan is being waylayed by the Wednesday crew. Juen Lee is dressed up like a petite Asian hooker and is laying in the boots with the rest of the Lot. I think we can probably all connect the dots here. The Billies rush the scene and it is on. The brawl quickly spills out onto the rampway, much to the crowd’s delight. A ref runs out, so I guess they are just starting the match.
They brawl down the ramp wand Juen Lee botches a double team and ends up getting rana’d off the ramp and into the crowd by Jake. Nate shoves Jake off as well and then splatters both of them with a somersault dive. LUCHA HOOLIGAN! Crowd is suitably agape. Mac and Hoss continue to just potato the crap out of each other down the ramp and Hoss gets the better of the exchange, sending a punch-drunk, or maybe just drunk, Marion tumbling into the ring. This is just a fight, no bones about it. Marion uses some chicanery to trap Hoss in the ropes and just starts beating the piss out of them, as he would say. Finally, Jake makes it to the ring and knocks Marion to the canvas with a springboard dropkick. Nate is hot on his heels though, and hooks him with a Cobra twist, which he rolls into a pin. Hoss wriggles free and breaks that up and starts stomping the crap out of Nate. Finally, the ref gets something resembling control of the match, and it’s Hoss and Nate in the ring. It’s technique versus skill, and it’s a draw as every submission hold Nate can come up with, Hoss punches him in the face, or rakes the eyes to get free. Nate doesn’t like that too well, and locks on a bizzarwe Gori Special+ cloverleaf. Yeah, it’s as weird as it sounds. Hoss responds by headbutting Nate in the crotch. I get the feeling these two teams don’t like each other.
Nate tags out and Mac starts biting Hoss’s forehead. Well, that’s something. Jake is in to his partner’s defense and it quickly breaks down into a brawl again. Mac gets tossed through the ropes and Hoss follows with a sliding dropkick, Nate with a tope suicida and Jake with a no hands plancha. All four men are out, and there’s Juen Lee climbing up the top rope. Juen Lee leaps onto all four men with an insane twisting somersault plancha. All five men are splayed out on the mats now, and we head to commercial as someone needs to get Till a throat lozenge.
--Commercial—
QH8
Back to in-ring action and Jake is locked into a neck vise from Marion. Well, we know who the wrestler is, anyway. Mac throws in some hammer fists to the neck for good measure. Nate takes over and ties up Jake in a slightly more hurty looking Triangle choke, he draps himself over the ropes for extra leverage, and Marion throws some shots to the kidneys, just cause. Nate drops down to ringside and gets bull rushed by an angry Hoss, as the ref moves to separate them Mac takes the opportunity to do some blatant choking. Nate slips back in and procures a rolling cradle for a close two.
Jake shows a bit of life, powering out of a ground cobra twist, and dumping Nate with a fireman’s carry, but Nate cuts him off and snaps him back to the mat with a cobra clutch drop. A cobra clutch proper follows and Jake is heading towards dream street. His arm drops once, twice, no, HILLBILLY POWER! Jake powers up to his feet and elbows free. Nate whips him to the ropes, but Jake does a handspring into a twisting DDT. Huge pop for that move. He hit it out of nowhere. Jake makes the tag and here is Hoss. Right hands for all! Stomps for some! Nate charges and eats a Dixie Driver, but NO! Marion breaks up the pin in the nick of time. Jake foolishly goes after Marion and gets powerslammed, both Hoss and Marion are up. I think they are thinking the same thing. DUELING GARVIN…NO! Marion feigned the stomp but then attacked Hoss when Hoss turned his back for his own Garvin Stomp. You can’t tease me like that. Marion. Hoss turns the tide though and starts choking Marion over the top rope. JUEN LEE WITH SOME SOCCER PITCH TO THE EYES. Hoss is blinded and stumbles into the Hillsborough Garrotte. Nate covers. BUT JAKE BREAKS IT UP! The crowd is on their feet. The Lot is getting ready for the Bangers and Mash. AND HERE COMES JIMMY DONOVAN! He crashes the party and distracts the ref long enough for Jake to crotch Marion. Juen Lee protests and Donovan impales him with a spear. Hoss wriggles free. Superkick for Nate! Dixie Driver for Nate! Hoss covers. IT’S OVER!
WINNER: The Thrillbillies (Hoss-> Nate: Dixie Driver- 13:06)
Crazy chaotic match that was just a barrel of fun. This feud seems far from over, and that is confirmed by the post-match brawl that brings out the refs, security and probably the jaws of life if you want to pry these two teams apart.
Well, the PPV looks pretty….
Wait, we are headed out to the parking lot as AJ Cirrus is heading to his car quite briskly. Sadly, he has changed out of the robot costume. He opens his car door and is promptly conked from behind by Andy Gilkison, Andy kicks the crap out of the downed AJ, and good lord does he have murder in his eyes. AJ gets tossed head first through the back window of his own car. Ouchie. Don’t get too much blood on that sweet paint job, AJ. Andy signs off for us with a “See you in Hartford, *****.”
THE WRAP UP
Like last week, just an absolute ton going on. Six tag matches is kind of a lot, but there was enough angle building and amusing segments that it moved pretty quickly. They have an absolutely stacked PPV line-up if everything goes well. Which so far, it has been kind of hit and miss. Three really good matches is enough to get a thumbs up from me, though, but the PPV needs to deliver and make them a bonafide star or two. The hype job was great, let’s see if they can follow through.
Match of the Night: Andy/Mysterybot 3000 v. Duchess/Irish Red
Bump of the Night: Jake McCody’s springboard twisting DDT
Line of the Night: “That’s just not right. You just don’t kick a sex robot while it’s down.”
The place was packed again for another legitimate sell out. This was probably the right place to run the tag tournament, since they can draw here on the MBE name alone, as none of the matches might make an average wrestling fan stand up and take notice. Rumored no-shows from AJ and Promo again this week, but more on that later.
Credits. Pyro. Crowd shots. And we are off, right into a first round tag tourney match.
QH1
Ezeki and Doc are out first, and the crowd seems about as thrilled to see them as they are to be in the arena. Ezeki’s entrance is positively minimalist this week, with just his attendants and two, count ‘em two, geishas. He must have pissed someone off back home. Doc is amused by the whole spectacle, as no doubt he thinks he can ride the popularity and girth of the Japanese superstar to another undeserved title reign.
It’s worth noting that for seven years Andy has maintained a great rapport with the MBE fans, that is one heck of a babyface run, and he is rewarded by teaming him with a robot. From my conversations with some of the creative people, they were worried about Yori’s influence turning MBE into NFW North. Let’s just say the robot parade isn’t helping. The robot looks less like ROBOYORI and more like the robot from Lost in Space, the helmet part is tinted though, so you can’t see in. He is wheeled out by his service technician to the sounds of Kraftwerk, in the first surreal moment of the night.
Andy and Doc start off and Andy makes some headway before running into the massiveness of Ezeki. Andy is game, but he is overwhelmed by the sheer size of the sumo. The story is he is reluctant to tag out to the robot, preferring to go it alone. That gets him on the wrong end of some nefarious cheating by Doc and company, sending him careening over a lowered top rope and to the floor where Doc and Dority can waylay him for a bit. Back in the ring Doc works him over with some judicious use of eye pokes and right hands. He finally counters a Doc suplex into a suplex of his own, and on pure instinct tags out to the robot. THE ROBOT IS A HOUSE AFIRE! Hip toss for Doc! Clothesline for Ezeki! Body slam for Andy! Whoops, perhaps he needs a software upgrade. Doc jumps the robot from behind and the robot proves his superiority to ROBOYORI as he can actually get off his back. That’s sure to cut into Yori’s market share in the wrestling robot industry. The robot doesn’t seem to have the density of the YORobot either as Ezeki is able to give it a huge belly to belly, that’ll fry a few circuits. The mysterybot plays Robot-in-peril for a while as Doc and Ezeki seem to be functioning quite well as a tag team, continuing the long MBE tradition of completely bizarre tag teams that some how work.
The robot sells Ezeki’s nerve hold, adding to the weirdness. Andy shouts encouragement, telling it that it’s a robot, and has no nerves, but the robot doesn’t seem to be listening to him. At least he didn’t say he has nerves of steel. The ref checks the robot. But he pulls his arm up right before it drops for the third time. Obviously someone programmed the robot well. Some elbow drops loosen the grip and the robot tries to bodyslam his way out. That doesn’t work so well and Ezeki lands on top for a near fall. You know, despite the spontaneous dance breaks, and the general fire hazard it poses, the YORobot may still be the best wrestling robot in MBE. I’m sure that is the kind of hard-hitting analysis you all come to this site for right there. Ezeki tags out and Doc goes to work on the Mysterybot. You know, without a groin to kick or eye to poke, Doc could be at a bit of a loss here. Well, there’s always stomping I guess. And sure enough, Doc works over the metallic mystery man with some vicious boots to the titanium solar plexus. The crowd is chanting for the robot, with Andy leading them along. Never let it be said that Gilkison isn’t a team player.
The robot finally shows some signs of life, avoiding a Doc charge in the corner and catching Silver with a flying shoulder block. Ezeki is on the scene though and grabs the robot by his shoulders. Doc goes for the double team, but the Robot ducks and Ezeki is knocked to the floor. The robot dives for the tag and Andy and Doc are laying into each other in the center of the ring. The crowd is red-hot for this and this could be a money singles match down the line. Andy gets the better of this first exchange though, backing Doc into the far corner. He follows with an irish whip across the ring and his version of the Stinger splash. He catches Doc with the Gilkination DDT, but Ezeki gets back in the ring just in time to break up the pinfall. Ezeki is pretty nimble for a six-hundred pounder. Andy fights off the sumo, but turns right into an Ace’s Full Stunner from Doc followed by a HYOOOGE German Suplex from Ezeki. Ezeki goes for the cover, but Andy barely gets a shoulder up at two. The PbPro attendants are aghast, and hop onto the apron to protest the ref’s obviously egregious error in judgment. Doc shows them the proper way to distract a ref, whipping the robot into him, crushing the poor referee in the corner. With the ref duly incapacitated, Ezeki, Doc and Dority triple team poor Andy. The attendants get into it do, and I think I saw a geisha hit Andy with a shoe or something.
But heeeeeere’s Irish red. He comes plowing down the ramp and dives into the melee, tossing people left and right to get at Ezeki. He spears Ezeki, and doesn’t really move the big man too far, but then the robot dives in as well, and all three spill out to the floor. Meanwhile, senior MBE referee Lance Thunder is running down to ringside. He gets there just in time to see Andy catch Doc with a small package, but no! Doc is out at two. Doc is angry! He levels Andy with a series of knees and sets Gilkison for The River, but here is the robot to break that up. He picks up Doc and delivers a vicious dragon suplex. Doc is on dream street. Andy heads up top and the two pull out a Doomsday Device for the pinfall, while Ezeki is busy dealing with Red.
WINNER: Andy Gilkison/Mysterybot 3000 (Andy-> Doc: Doomsday Device- 12:27)
Ezeki is pissed and storms the ring, but is held back by his attendants and the fashionably tardy MBE security team. Red makes the international symbol for ‘I want your belt’ as he retreats through the crowd. The robot pulls Andy out of harm’s way and the two head to the back as Ezeki’s temper tantrum continues. Time for MBE to pay the bills.
--Commercial--
QH2
And we are back with intrepid backstage reporter Biff Bentley. He is interviewing His Freshness on his absence from the tag tournament. Jogi says he is only interested in one title, and that is the MBE World Heavyweight Championship. His entourage nods in agreement. Jogi says that it doesn’t matter who is standing in his way, old friends or old enemies. He came back to MBE to prove he is the, well we never find out the answer as Jogi stops in mid-sentence with the arrival of Promo and AJ. Promo takes the mic and says that Jogi did the right thing staying out of the tag team tournament, as it is one less asskicking he would have to take from himself and AJ. Promo says that he and AJ already hold the two most important singles belts in MBE (delusional, much?) and before the week is over they will hold the tag titles as well. Jogi says those belts they carry around wouldn’t even net him ten bucks at Jojo’s Pawn Shop and Check Cashing. Promo says that may be, but at least they don’t hide in their locker room while the big boys are wrestling. Promo and AJ are going to go through the entire MBE roster for their next title, Jogi wouldn’t even get by Aussie B. Poor Aussie B, even in retirement he is an eternal punchline. Promo delivers the ironic line of the evening, as he says that interview time should be reserved for people who are actually competing on the show tonight. He says that unless Jogi is planning on lacing up his boots tonight, he should step out of the way and let the champions have the mic. Jogi gets up in Promo’s face, but a smile comes across his lips and he drops the mic at Promo’s feet and backs off, grinning the whole way. Promo and AJ gloat as Jogi and his confused entourage exit the scene.
And now we are in the room where, god help us, all the major decisions in MBE are made. Yep, it’s Yori’s office and he is giving a pep talk to Justin Evitable and an unhappy looking Michael J. Cox. Okay, he is actually talking to a potted plant, but they are encouraging words nonetheless, something about eternal salvation and a meatball sandwich. Cox complains that he asked for a human partner this week, and instead gets Justin Evitable. Oooh, burn. Justin points out that at least he has a victory in MBE, which is more than Cox can say. And the robot just dances, oblivious to the internal tension in the group. Smitty tells Cox to get his head together and they will bring home the gold for king and country and pervert. Cox says he came to MBE to win matches and get women. And while he is doing fine on the latter point, the former one, not so much. Smitty says if he doesn’t shut up and do his job, he won’t have to worry about winning matches for much longer. Justin adds an ‘Oh, snap,’ for good measure. Cox is less than pleased.
Back to the ring and Till is breaking down the Behemoths v. Duchess/Red match. And here come the Behemoths, still as large as life. A bunch of people e-mailed me wondering what the deal was with Professor Tremendous this week. It’s Professor T, kiddies, the real story will probably not measure up to whatever goat-related antics you imagine in your head, so I will leave it a mystery. Duchess and Red are out next. Duchess doesn’t get nearly enough credit for giving solid performances week in and week out in a fed where reliability hasn’t exactly been a prime characteristic of the roster. I know there are issues of physical credibility, but all around the circuit you are seeing more female champions, and Hida and Torn weren’t exactly heavyweights. We go to commercial as Duchess and Red enter the ring.
--Commercial--
We’re back and the ref is running down the rules to each team. One thing I haven’t mentioned yet is I like the full ring introductions for each match, it gives it a nice old school feel, and they seem to finally have chastised the few idiots who keep throwing streamers. Save them for your next trip to Kourakuen Hall, geeks.
QH3
This is kind of an odd choice in match placement, as it has a similar tone to the last match, with the size v. speed dynamic. Red and Duchess dominate early, busting out the double teams on the portly Behemoths. Duchess hits a gorgeous bounce back rana on Mastodon that gets a well-deserved replay. Red and Mammoth brawl on the floor, as Red is wont to do. I’m still waiting for that one star-making performance from Red in MBE, I know he has it in him, but I haven’t seen it yet. He dodges a charge from Mammoth that sends the big man shoulder first into the post. He rolls the Mammoth back into the ring, and they begin working over the shoulder some more with a tag team armbreaker. Red drops a knee across the injured arm and works it over with a keylock. This is the kind of technical, smart work that MBE was known for back in the day, and it is nice to see them bring it back some, with the top of the card dominated by brawlers and more power move type guys.
Mammoth finally turns the tide, as he counters a tornado armbreaker attempt into a nasty looking backbreaker and tags out to Mastodon, who promptly squashed Red with a leg drop. Ooh, they had the crowd believing that near fall. Remember kids, you can’t teach size. Red plays pancake-in-peril for a bit, including eating an absolutely unsafe looking powerslam from Mastodon. The Behemoths get a lot of hate for not being technical marvels, but anyone who beats them always looks good for just overcoming their sheer size. Red dodges what surely would be a life-ending second rope senton from Mammoth (he always was the agiler one) and makes the desperation tag to Duchess. Red did a good job selling his previous rib injuries there.
Duchess does her best David impression, but instead of rock, she uses herself and slingshots off the top rope, catching Mammoth with a springboard dropkick. Mammoth stays on his feet, though, and promptly drops Duchess with a running shoulder block. WORST. HOT TAG. EVER. That was different. Duchess is a step ahead of Mammoth though, and lures him into the corner where he misses a spear, further injuring the shoulder. Duchess heads up top and dives off with a diving cross armbreaker. Mammoth tries to make the ropes, but Irish Red dropkicks his knee from the apron, knocking Mammoth down in the center of the ring. Mastadon lumbers across the ring a second too late, and Mammoth taps out, sending Duchess and Red onto the semifinals.
WINNER: Duchess and Irish Red (Duchess->Mammoth: Cross Armbreaker- 6:27)
So our first semifinal is set and helpfully displayed on a graphic inset. Red and Duchess v. Mysterybot 3000 and Andy. Really, I wouldn’t even try to make a prognostication there. I guess it all depends on which Mysterybot shows up.
We are dropped into the middle of a conversation between Jogi Fresh and Yori. Yori is intrigued by his idea and is considering subscribing to his newsletter, but he doesn’t like to invest in ideas without his trademark underwater scuba porn. Jogi doesn’t think he can make that work. It’s like they are speaking two different languages or something. Jogi is about to leave in a huff, but Yori asks him if he can find him some really good meatball sandwiches. Jogi asks how many he needs. Yori isn’t sure how many meatball sandwiches are required to escape eternal damnation, but he says go with a gross to be safe. Jogi flips open his cell phone and says he will see what he can do, but Yori has to do something for him. Yori offers him a hundred virgin Thai Hookers, Jogi says he has something else in mind. INTRIGUE~!
Things aren’t going so swimmingly in Yamada’s office as Ezeki and his attendants have a very loud argument in Japanese. Yamada looks like he wants a handful of aspirin. Or perhaps a gun. He finally gets everyone quiet and assures Ezeki that his title defense will be carried out with the utmost care and respect. One of the officials says that ‘A’ is not happy with the way Yamada has allowed his champion to be treated. Yamada says that a PbPro referee will officiate the match, to prevent any shenanigans like this week, and he has banned anyone from interfering in the match under penalty of firing. Another attendant claims that the entire trip has been a disaster and ‘A’ and company are completely reconsidering their investment in MBE. Especially when it is being run by a drug-addled lunatic and sex pervert. Hey, that’s not a nice thing to say about Yamada. Oh. Right. Yamada says that Ezeki will get his chance for revenge. Ezeki says everything better go smoothly, or ‘A’ will have something to say about it. Yamada finally snaps “Ooh, not ‘A’, anything but ‘A’, get out of my office all of you.” ‘A’ won’t like that one bit, I’ll bet.
A new Awakenings promo airs, hyping the tag team finals and Irish Red v. Ezeki. Obviously PbPro can’t be too pissed if they are letting them use footage from some of Ezeki’s bigger matches.
-Commercial-
QH 4
We’re back from commercial and down to ringside for our third first round match. And here come the Thrillbillies, and they’ve brought Jimmy Donovan along for back-up. Probably a good idea considering the parade of weirdoes that will no doubt be accompanying their opponents to the ring. And here they come, like the world’s most perverted Gracie Train. Cox leads the way out and still seems a little cranky with the whole idea. Is he too good for this group? Well, he is a porn star, but not a midget porn star, so perhaps. The robot tries to get up on the apron, obviously thinking it is his turn to wrestle. Cox shoves him off and the robot’s smile turns to a frown. Awww, the crowd did not like that. The robot dances, but it’s a little half-hearted. Justin tells Cox not to mess with the robot, and while the two have a frank exchange of ideas, the Thrillbillies get the drop on them. Jake knocks Justin off the apron with a spinning heel kick, and Hoss drops Cox with an axe bomber. It quite quickly breaks down in the arena, as the Billies are taking no prisoners. Jake with the spot of the night so far, as he misses a blind charge into the ramp, but stops short, hops onto the ramp and moonsaults back onto Justin. “Holy ****” chant for that one.
Back in the ring, Hoss is working over Cox’s ribs, with some body blows in the corner, and a gutbuster. Some fluid tag team work by the Thrillbillies, quick tags in and out. Justin has finally had enough and breaks up a camel clutch with a dropkick to Hoss’s mush. Jake takes offense and we get some more brawling. Cox manages to procure a dildo from Smitty and conks Hoss while the ref is distracted trying to get Jake and Justin back to their respective corners. Cox drags Hoss over to his corner and TEAM PERVERT takes over. Justin has looked very spry since coming back to MBE. Either he is finally very serious about wrestling, or Yori has supplied him with some real good uppers. I’d lay odds at 50/50. Another nice spot as Hoss reverses an irish whip, Justin ducks a clothesline and springboards back off the ropes into a twisting DDT. The robot approves. This time it is Jake who takes umbrage with a Buffalo sleeper from Justin and breaks it up with a running knee strike. Like Europe in the early 1900’s we are just waiting for things to boil over into all out warfare. Hoss fights back against Dildo power, and counters a Cox Irish whip into a swinging neckbreaker and tags out to Jake. Jake quickly clears Cox out of the ring with a dropkick and follows with a Spaceman Plancha onto the gaggle of deviants. Cox escapes the brunt of the dive and sneaks back into the ring to jump Hoss, who has Justin set up for Dixie Driver. A double team DDT follows, but Hoss is not the legal man. Cox calls for the robot to send Jake back into the ring, which he does, though probably slightly faster than Cox anticipated, leading to a close near fall off a robot-aided cross body.
Cox has had enough and begins yelling at the robot, while half-heartedly stomping on Jake. The robot responds by jumping up on the apron and asking for the tag. AND COX SLAPS THE ROBOT! Big heat for that. The robot looks like it is gonna cry big oily tears, but instead starts doing the bump. Hoss drags Justin off his partner and clotheslines him over the top to the floor. He charges Cox who gets bumped into the robot. Not much give there as Cox cracks against his metallic hide, the force is enough to knocke the robot off the apron and leave it prone on its back, though. A woozy Cox eats the Jonesvillecanrana, and Smitty is cut off from interefering by Donovan. And that is all she wrote.
WINNER: The Thrillbillies (McCody-> Cox: Jonesvillecanrana- 9:27)
Cox is finally up, and he is NOT happy. He shoves Smitty and Riki out of the way as they try and get ROBOYORI back to his feet. Cox starts kicking the robot. The crowd is pissed. Till is quite aghast as well, and asks what this sport has come to when a man can pick on a helpless sex bot. Justin saves the day, ordering Cox to leave the poor robot alone. He was just trying to help. Cox piefaces Justin and it is on as the two begin to brawl.
Backstage, we are treated to a close-up of a boot being laced up. The camera pulls out and it is Jogi Fresh in a referee’s uniform. Uh-oh. This can’t bode well for Promo and AJ. Though frankly, I would have taken the Thai hookers. We pull out even more and can see Yori’s office in the distance, now happily filled with about a hundred meatball grinders.
-Commercial-
Back from commercial and Cox and Justin are still going at it, they have brawled out to the auxillary parking lot. Smitty, Riki, and the Robot arrive with a fairly functional Yori, who is about halfway through his fifteenth meatball grinder, judging by the amount of marinara sauce on his face and suit. He is about to put a stop to these shenanigans when his eyes fall on a Yugo parked nearby, Yori drops to his knees, mouth slightly agape. He tells the Yugo he’ll be right back with enough meatball sandwiches to blot out the sun itself. But before he can leave, he is accosted by Cox who tells him that he has had enough of his Robot, his ineffectual flunkies, and his lame tag partner. He is so mad he even kicks the Yugo. Oh, that was a big mistake. Yori snaps and just destroys Cox with a nutshot to end all nutshots. We are talking full on alligator skin shoe on testicles action. Yori says you can mess with his sex robot, you can sleep with his sister, you can even steal a meatball sandwich of eternal salvation for tomorrow’s lunch (DAMN YOU RIKI!!!!!!), but you DO NOT kick the Yugo (that may or may not be God). He fires Cox on the spot, and orders the YORobot to throw this pervert out of the building. The YORobot is glad to do so, dancing the whole way out of the parking lot, with a grimacing Cox slung over his shoulder. Yori is satisfied and orders everyone back to his office for a Naked Meatball Sandwich and Russian Pop Star party. Sexy music plays the crew off. The camera lingers on the Yugo, and the Hobo pops back up. He laments that he is never getting his meatball sandwich.
Oooookay. Well, that was certainly one way to write a character out. The real story is Cox through a **** fit this morning about how his character was being handled, and Yamada finally made an example out of somebody. It has been a bit of the inmates running the asylum the last few weeks, and the ‘stars’ coming and going as they pleased. Cox may be a bit of a sacrificial lamb, but he picked the wrong time to complain about his character direction. Impressed he stuck around and did business, though. A little too “Passion of the Sexbot” for my liking, but it was certainly entertaining.
QH5
It’s time for the last of our first round matches and it’s the Sheffield Wednesday Lot heading down the ramp. It seems the hooligan’s hooligans have increased in number, as their looks to be an even half dozen Sheffield Wednesday jersey-wearing mooks in the front row this week, chanting along with The Lot. They stop for a bit to chum it up, and to have some beer poured over them. That seems like a waste of six bucks right there.
Promo and AJ are out and the crowd response is still strong, but not nearly as much so as it was the first week at the arena. This is what I was worried about; they kind of dropped the ball here a bit. They should have had Promo wrestling all along. The bait and switch with Andy left a bad taste in a lot of people’s mouths, and I know a few of the bigger names just refused to do business with the ‘champ’ after that. There is still a chance to salvage this, though, and AJ and Promo really should be the top heels in this company. We’ll see how it plays out.
AJ and Promo notice there is no referee in the ring. You know, you’d think they would have negotiated in their contracts to have a live feed of the broadcast in their locker room so they weren’t caught off guard by stuff like this. And here is Jogi, decked out in ref’s gear. AJ and Promo are unhappy with this particular turn of events, needless to say. Jogi assures them that he will call it straight down the middle, but takes the opportunity to slap the two around a bit under the guise of checking them for foreign objects. Promo is about to object with his fists, but Jogi pops his referee’s jersey and threatens to DQ Promo right there. After a brief chat with the Lot, he is convinced that they have no foreign objects on them, so no need to check or anything. Promo is incensed and he and AJ start to walk out of the match, claiming they don’t need the tag belts. The entourage is there at the top of the ramp to block his exit, though, so he decides that he can overcome the odds, he is the World Champ after all.
The bell finally rings and we are off. Collar and elbow, and Promo is backed into the corner, some choking from Marion and Jogi administers the world’s slowest five count, stopping to tie his shoes between ‘three’ and ‘four.’ AJ is livid and yells at Jogi to call it down the middle. Jogi goes over and lectures AJ on just how unbiased he is while Nate and Marion stomp on Promo in the corner. Ah, high art from MBE right here. Promo powers out of an Abdominal Stretch from Nate, who curiously was never tagged in, must have slipped Jogi’s mind, and drops some elbows. The world’s slowest pinfall count follows, and Nate is out well before two. Promo has had enough, and tags out to AJ. AJ hits a picture perfect backbreaker followed by a knee drop for a one count. He argues with AJ some, allowing Nate to grab a schoolboy roll-up, a brisk three count later, and that is the match.
WINNER: The Sheffield Wednesday Lot (Nate-> AJ: Schoolboy Roll-up- 1:52)
Jogi smiles and rolls under the bottom rope before Promo or AJ can get their hands on him. The crowd is mockingly chanting “Match of the Year.” Meanwhile, the Lot celebrates like they just won the Super Bowl, or, you know, whatever the British Soccer thingie is. Entertaining enough, but this certainly isn’t helping the ‘Promo never wrestles’ vibe of the last few weeks. He and AJ need to come up big at the PPV, or else get buried under a pretty stacked line-up.
We get a recap of MBE’s performance in the group stage of the TEAM Dupree Cup Tournament. Shocking that they waited until this week to do that, really. I’m sure it wouldn’t have anything to do with their last opponent. Andy/Red gets the most screen time, which makes sense. They showed this in the arena too, and Spoiler and Hida got the biggest pops, which tells you something. Namely, that they probably shouldn’t show this in the arena, even if they want to toot their own horn.
Backstage, the Mysterybot has hit the old craft's service table and is shoving cupcake after cupcake into it's helmet. Ummm, it actually gets weirder as ROBOYORI arrives. The two robots look each other up and down. ROBOYORI smiles and starts doing the hustle. Mysterybot joins in, but the impromptu dance party is interrupted by Andy who taps the robot on the shoulder and says it's gametime. ANDY AND SOME ROBOT ARE NEXT!
--Commercial--
QH6
Doc and Dority are standing outside Yori’s office. Doc has a package in his hand, and does not look particularly happy. Doc knocks and then shields his eyes. You know, just in case. Riki peers out the door, and Doc asks to speak to Yori. Riki says this is Yori, he’s just wearing an eyepatch, because they ate all the meatball sandwiches, and now they are having a pirate party. Yori asks Doc if he wants to see his wooden leg, and the FCC picks up their phone and prepares to dial MBE HQ. Doc asks him what the meaning of this is. He opens the package and a dildo falls out. Squeaked that one in just after 10:30. Yori says he sent it so Doc could get some practice, since he is in a dildo on a pole match against Justin Evitable at MBE Awakenings. Doc is furious, and demands to know what gives Yori the right to book him in these god-awful matches. Yori claims the Yugo told him to, and the Yugo’s will be done. Yori adds that unless he wants to strip down to bloomers and put on an eyepatch, he best be setting sail for less sexy waters. Doc vows revenge as Yori slams the door and the strains of a very perverse version of ‘100 bottle of beer on the wall’ starts up from the party. Doc angrily kicks the dildo down the hallway. Well, that’s a segment right there.
It’s time for our first semifinal match as Red and Duchess are back on their way to ringside. They had the easier first round match, and both of their members are carbon-based life forms, so I think they have to be considered a slight favorite. Andy will never say die, though. As for the robot, well, it’s a robot.
The robot starts against Red, who seems fairly amused by the whole affair. He does the robot, mocking the bot. Not too bad for a white guy from South Dakota, actually. The bot responds with a little ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ as the crowd chants “You Got Served.” Collar and elbow tie-up and the robot shoves Red to the mat. Red gets back up, lather, rinse, repeat. Perhaps this is some post-modern commentary on the mechanization of America, or something. Red finally just pokes the robot in the eyes, or you know, where the eyes would be. The robot stumbles around blind, and Red is intrigued. He stomps on the robot’s foot, and the robot begins hopping around. A kick to the nuts puts the robot down. The ref tries to warn Red, but Red points out that this is hardly an anatomically correct robot. The robot is angry though, and treats Red like Tokyo, smacking him down to the canvas. A robot leg drop gets the first pin attempt of the match.
Andy and the Robot continue their tag team synergy from the first round with a nice Heart Attack clothesline. Andy controls Red for a while, working over his back with a nice series of rolling suplexes and a bow and arrow lock. Andy is actually getting a bit of heel heat here and there, probably from the TEAM event. Red turns the tide with a little help from Duchess, who hooks Andy’s leg when he is going for a hanging vertical suplex. Red falls on top for a two count, and distracts the ref while Duchess drags Andy’s leg over the apron and slams it down a few times. Red slaps on a knee bar to try and get his wits back about him and work over Andy’s knee at the same time.
QH7
Duchess and Red start to turn the crowd as they play a little game of leverage behind the referee’s back. Duchess pulling on Red’s arms to torque a figure four leglock just a little more, but always seeming to be examining her nails when the ref looks back in her direction. She gets her licks in on Andy’s leg as well, including an emphatic looking dropkick on Andy’s knee while it is draped over the middle turnbuckle. She gets a few two counts off a figure four of her own, but Andy doesn’t have any quit in him. Andy counters a shin breaker from Red into a jumping DDT and we have a double KO, Andy is about to tag in Mysterybot, but gets cut off by Duchess, much to the dismay of the crowd. Duchess looks for a dragon screw, but eats an enzuigiri. AND HERE’S THE ROBOT! HIP TOSSES FOR ALL! The robot hits a spinny facebuster thing on Duchess, but Red manages to just barely break up the pinfall. Red gets tossed by Andy and after a double team spinebuster, the robot sends Andy up for the Doomsday Device. Andy leaps….AND MISSES! The robot dropped Duchess and let Andy flop on the canvas. Must need a software upgrade. Andy groggily confronts the Bot, who removes his helmet and IT’S AJ CIRRUS. AJ SLAMS THE HELMET INTO THE SKULL OF ANDY. To say the crowd is pissed would be an understatement. AJ walking around in a giant robot costume is kind of amusing though. He picks Andy up and delivers the Thunder Clap. Never one to be that picky, Duchess covers and Red and Duchess are headed to the Tag Team Title match.
WINNER: Duchess and Irish Red (Duchess-> Andy: AJ’s Thunder Clap- 11:22)
Well, a fun little traditional tag match with a big surprise. Seriously, they used the robot thing right there, and with AJ elsewhere on the card, I didn’t see this one coming. Even more heat for the Last Man Standing match, and they’ve done a good job of keeping both participants strong. I don’t know about Red wrestling twice on the PPV, but we’ll see.
Backstage we see Jimmy Donovan wandering about. He comes upon a sign that points to the direction of “Right Fit Looking Hookers.” Donovan goes to investigate.
--Commercial--
Back from commercial and we are in the “MBE Control Room” and Biff runs down the entire Awakenings Card for us. This has an old school WCW Saturday Night feel to it, complete with cheesy match graphics. They better do this for every PPV, cause it’s just cheesy enough to be awesome. Biff does manage to run down the stipulations for the dildo on a pole match without breaking even a smile, guess that B.A. in Communications was worth something after all.
There is a commotion backstage and Jimmy Donovan is being waylayed by the Wednesday crew. Juen Lee is dressed up like a petite Asian hooker and is laying in the boots with the rest of the Lot. I think we can probably all connect the dots here. The Billies rush the scene and it is on. The brawl quickly spills out onto the rampway, much to the crowd’s delight. A ref runs out, so I guess they are just starting the match.
They brawl down the ramp wand Juen Lee botches a double team and ends up getting rana’d off the ramp and into the crowd by Jake. Nate shoves Jake off as well and then splatters both of them with a somersault dive. LUCHA HOOLIGAN! Crowd is suitably agape. Mac and Hoss continue to just potato the crap out of each other down the ramp and Hoss gets the better of the exchange, sending a punch-drunk, or maybe just drunk, Marion tumbling into the ring. This is just a fight, no bones about it. Marion uses some chicanery to trap Hoss in the ropes and just starts beating the piss out of them, as he would say. Finally, Jake makes it to the ring and knocks Marion to the canvas with a springboard dropkick. Nate is hot on his heels though, and hooks him with a Cobra twist, which he rolls into a pin. Hoss wriggles free and breaks that up and starts stomping the crap out of Nate. Finally, the ref gets something resembling control of the match, and it’s Hoss and Nate in the ring. It’s technique versus skill, and it’s a draw as every submission hold Nate can come up with, Hoss punches him in the face, or rakes the eyes to get free. Nate doesn’t like that too well, and locks on a bizzarwe Gori Special+ cloverleaf. Yeah, it’s as weird as it sounds. Hoss responds by headbutting Nate in the crotch. I get the feeling these two teams don’t like each other.
Nate tags out and Mac starts biting Hoss’s forehead. Well, that’s something. Jake is in to his partner’s defense and it quickly breaks down into a brawl again. Mac gets tossed through the ropes and Hoss follows with a sliding dropkick, Nate with a tope suicida and Jake with a no hands plancha. All four men are out, and there’s Juen Lee climbing up the top rope. Juen Lee leaps onto all four men with an insane twisting somersault plancha. All five men are splayed out on the mats now, and we head to commercial as someone needs to get Till a throat lozenge.
--Commercial—
QH8
Back to in-ring action and Jake is locked into a neck vise from Marion. Well, we know who the wrestler is, anyway. Mac throws in some hammer fists to the neck for good measure. Nate takes over and ties up Jake in a slightly more hurty looking Triangle choke, he draps himself over the ropes for extra leverage, and Marion throws some shots to the kidneys, just cause. Nate drops down to ringside and gets bull rushed by an angry Hoss, as the ref moves to separate them Mac takes the opportunity to do some blatant choking. Nate slips back in and procures a rolling cradle for a close two.
Jake shows a bit of life, powering out of a ground cobra twist, and dumping Nate with a fireman’s carry, but Nate cuts him off and snaps him back to the mat with a cobra clutch drop. A cobra clutch proper follows and Jake is heading towards dream street. His arm drops once, twice, no, HILLBILLY POWER! Jake powers up to his feet and elbows free. Nate whips him to the ropes, but Jake does a handspring into a twisting DDT. Huge pop for that move. He hit it out of nowhere. Jake makes the tag and here is Hoss. Right hands for all! Stomps for some! Nate charges and eats a Dixie Driver, but NO! Marion breaks up the pin in the nick of time. Jake foolishly goes after Marion and gets powerslammed, both Hoss and Marion are up. I think they are thinking the same thing. DUELING GARVIN…NO! Marion feigned the stomp but then attacked Hoss when Hoss turned his back for his own Garvin Stomp. You can’t tease me like that. Marion. Hoss turns the tide though and starts choking Marion over the top rope. JUEN LEE WITH SOME SOCCER PITCH TO THE EYES. Hoss is blinded and stumbles into the Hillsborough Garrotte. Nate covers. BUT JAKE BREAKS IT UP! The crowd is on their feet. The Lot is getting ready for the Bangers and Mash. AND HERE COMES JIMMY DONOVAN! He crashes the party and distracts the ref long enough for Jake to crotch Marion. Juen Lee protests and Donovan impales him with a spear. Hoss wriggles free. Superkick for Nate! Dixie Driver for Nate! Hoss covers. IT’S OVER!
WINNER: The Thrillbillies (Hoss-> Nate: Dixie Driver- 13:06)
Crazy chaotic match that was just a barrel of fun. This feud seems far from over, and that is confirmed by the post-match brawl that brings out the refs, security and probably the jaws of life if you want to pry these two teams apart.
Well, the PPV looks pretty….
Wait, we are headed out to the parking lot as AJ Cirrus is heading to his car quite briskly. Sadly, he has changed out of the robot costume. He opens his car door and is promptly conked from behind by Andy Gilkison, Andy kicks the crap out of the downed AJ, and good lord does he have murder in his eyes. AJ gets tossed head first through the back window of his own car. Ouchie. Don’t get too much blood on that sweet paint job, AJ. Andy signs off for us with a “See you in Hartford, *****.”
THE WRAP UP
Like last week, just an absolute ton going on. Six tag matches is kind of a lot, but there was enough angle building and amusing segments that it moved pretty quickly. They have an absolutely stacked PPV line-up if everything goes well. Which so far, it has been kind of hit and miss. Three really good matches is enough to get a thumbs up from me, though, but the PPV needs to deliver and make them a bonafide star or two. The hype job was great, let’s see if they can follow through.
Match of the Night: Andy/Mysterybot 3000 v. Duchess/Irish Red
Bump of the Night: Jake McCody’s springboard twisting DDT
Line of the Night: “That’s just not right. You just don’t kick a sex robot while it’s down.”