Rook Black
Live Long and Pants.
(The screen has a shot of the HFC logo. CUT TO: The stone white Ionic columns that adorn the open air parlor of The HFC’s Headquarters. The scene outside is… interesting… to say the least. There are four women on horseback dressed like Lady Godiva – that is, to say, they’re not dressed, save for strategically placed hair covering certain bodyparts. Several men dressed in suits of armor line up on each side of a red carpet, holding up curved swords. A midget wearing a tray holding a total of three champagne flutes do their best to balance these drinks on their heads. Also in the background is a man painted in bronze standing in the middle of a fountain spouting water from his mouth.
Finally, everyone stands at attention. Walking down the steps first is BLAINE HOLLYWOOD. Blaine’s wearing a red and white striped dress shirt, tight with the top two buttons unbuttoned, tucked into pleated Brooks Brothers chinos, brown dress shoes with no socks, the HFC blazer over all of them. He adjusts his suit jacket to show off his nautical-colored themed Rolex YACHT MASTER II watch on his left wrist. Blaine holds his wrist up to check the time, before tapping it with the index finger of his other hand.)
BLAINE: “This watch right here is more than just a luxury item that men who enjoy a lifestyle of old world elegance enjoy on an HOURLY basis. You see, watches are used to tell TIME. TIME is used to calculate when things START and when things END. But things only start and end for the unwashed masses. Only CHURLS live temporary lives. AN OXONIAN such as myself? My name – BLAINE HOLLYWOOD – shall ring forth THROUGHOUT THE AGES! For I am a gifted man who is an INTERNATIONAL DRESSAGE CHAMPION and a man who personally flies in tailors from SAVILLE ROW to sew his bespoke wardrobe – not suit but WARDROBE – by hand. But, most importantly, I am a member of THE HELLFIRE CLUB! My birthing and lineage has cemented my name in history already. But by being a part of this group – the most ELITE GROUP in professional wrestling history? (Blaine adjusts the suit jacket.) THAT MEANS WE GET TO WRITE HISTORY! And it’s on this day, this BLESSED AND GLORIOUS DAY, that I take in a breath of fresh air and revel in the NEXT CHAPTER which is upon us. For The Hellfire Club’s infinite strength has just EXPONENTIALLY GROWN. For we have added a new member… ROOK BLACK!”
(Blaine holds his nose in the air.)
BLAINE: “Rook Black, you are a man that I have admired for years. You are a cunning man, such as myself, and always struck me as someone of refined taste and passion. I’ve only recognized a few men in my life – IF THAT – as my peer. Rook Black, your intellect, guile, wit and knowledge of epee swordsmanship make you just that. Together, Rook. Together WE shall hold New Frontier Wrestling in the steel grip of our combined hands. Together, we shall ask the united plebian class CHURLS asunder our boot… ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? And together we shall say… DO WHAT THOU WILT!”
(Blaine looks at his watch and then stands off to the side. From the back, we hear a familiar bellow: “WOAH WOAH WOAH! Get those swords up at a NEAR 90 DEGREE ANGLE! Do it RIGHT or you’re not getting paid! The swordsmen adjust their grips as JJ DEVILLE powerwalks out, pursing his lips, wearing a pink ascot over a white shirt – making him sort of look like “Diamonds And Pearls” era Prince – with the HFC blazer over the top. He starts chuckling before he jabs his index finger into his temple and mouths the word “GOTCHA!”)
JJ: “When will you learn to NOT DOUBT ME? When will you learn that the world TURNS when I snap my finger? Actually, I know the answer. And that’s NEVER. Because you nimrods watching at home and, particularly, the dumb dumbs in professional wrestling locker rooms across the world WILL NEVER LEARN. Because you’re all a bunch of wage slaves lucky to scribble ‘Wrestler’ on a W-2. But me? Do you know what *I* write on my W-2 form? I write ‘MASTERMIND.’ And do you know WHO ELSE DOES? That’s the latest addition to The Hellfire Club. And his name… HAHAHA! His name INDEED IS ROOOOOK BLLAACCKKK!”
(JJ golf claps before straightening up his ascot.)
JJ: “Yes, I’ve long talked up the greatest of Rook Black. Because I’ve long felt – LONG felt – that he is the most underrated wrestler in professional wrestling and one of the most influential men on this entire planet! The HFC, although we fear none of you, we are still a group bent on the mastery of both STRATEGY and TACTICS. And the ONE MAN in this league – nay, INDUSTRY – that made us shudder was ROOK BLACK. Because we collectively saw a man who is a MIRROR IMAGE of ourselves. He is a great wrestler. But he’s more than that. He is a man who earned a perfect score in both the GMATs and LSATs. Montessori schools nationwide are basing their entire curriculums around both his thoughts and deeds! And he is also professional wrestling’s GREATEST champion. He owns – OWNS – the Triple Crown Championship, a belt that we in the Hellfire Club RECOGNIZE AS THE ONE, TRUE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP IN NEW FRONTIER WRESTLING! But I do have one regret in extending our gloved hand to Rook Black. And that is not offering it upon our formation! Because, Rook Black has ALWAYS BEEN one of us. And we have always been with ROOK BLACK!”
(JJ stands to the side, across from Blaine. There’s a dramatic pause before ROOK BLACK makes his Hellfire Club debut. He slowly jaunts out underneath the swords, wearing a brown cashmere sweater made of hand-stitched alpaca fur, cradling the Triple Crown Championship in the bent crook of his arm. Blaine is arrogantly nodding his head in approval as JJ is rapidly golf clapping before bowing! Rook walks down the steps, stares at both of his new cohorts, and then holds the title up over his head. He then pounds his heart with his fist and points at JJ who mouths the word ‘MOI?’
ROOK: "Let me tell you about how incredible J.J. DeVille is. Let me tell you about how he is so absolutely right. Let me tell you about how he reached out to me in the midst of my completely wrongheaded attacks on his character. Let me tell you how he reached out to me, patiently, and made some of the most simple yet clever observations about his life and his similarity to mine."
ROOK: "J.J. had always aggravated me. And it's only now in the clarify of this moment, that I understand why. I was jealous of J.J. DeVille."
ROOK: "No, worse than that."
ROOK: "I wanted to be J.J. DeVille."
(ROOK looks down for a moment, almost as if his emotions are threatening to get away from him. BLAINE puts a firm hand on his shoulder, offering support.)
ROOK: "He had achieved just so much, so quickly. Did you know this man was unjustly blackballed from our industry, forced to tutor student athletes for meager pay? Writing other folks' term papers for them on the side? But this unjust and unfair trial hardened him. Those times of adversity forged him into an alloy of pure greatness, flexible yet incredibly strong."
ROOK: "He arrived with the Windham Clan, and became the focal point of NFW. And I, who had been here the entire time, a proud and loyal National Champion, a proud and loyal company guy, was nigh unto invisible."
ROOK: "I was spared the Windham Clan's ire. As much as I was jealous of J.J. I couldn't help but respect him. His genius. I remember the day I foresaw his disposal of Troy. I remember the time I asked him to apologize to Jack Bryant, and he indulged me merely because it was I that asked."
ROOK: "I remember that I had just petitioned the board of directors of this company, a petition against J.J. DeVille's interests, he reached out to me."
ROOK: "He told me that he heard me when I spoke. That he listened carefully. That he understood. He said that his friends and allies could help me with what I want most. That he could help me with the creation of my legacy."
ROOK: "That he sympathized with my depression, and that I didn't have to only derive joy in matches, but could perhaps instead find joy in the illicit and forbidden pleasures denied to the poor, the feeble, and the unimaginative."
ROOK: "He expanded on this great organization's singular motto."
ROOK: "Do what thou wilt."
ROOK: "The social and ethical mores of this standardized society of the mediocre are not for people like us."
ROOK: "To simplify it for you morons: Rules Are For Little Nice People."
ROOK: "Those of greatness, the Giants among Humanity, the people of intelligence, taste, wealth, and luxury, are operating on a different level. They're rules are for them, not for us."
ROOK: "We are the people who not only can do anything we want-"
ROOK: "Literally, what thou wilt."
ROOK: "-but that we should."
ROOK: "He asked me how long I intended to live my spartan lifestyle? Obsessing over nutrition and health to the exclusion of any pleasure?"
ROOK: "He extrapolated what that would mean. Since I was addicted to the joys of competing, my only pleasure and happiness, I'd never be able to retire, and would compete indefinitely in a joyless experience. Sure, I was healthy and sane and not addicted to painkillers or a relentless steroid user, now. But what about ten years? Fifteen? Twenty? What possible future could there be for Rook Black?"
ROOK: "It's important for me to say that J.J. did not mean to hurt my feelings when he said this. But he predicted my suicide in the fall of 2043."
(ROOK puts his hands on his hips and lowers his head. BLAINE and J.J. exchange knowing and concerned glances while ROOK composes himself.)
ROOK: "It was soon afterwards that I met this great man, Blaine Hollywood, and the Education of Rook Black continued."
ROOK: "Over dinner in a private penthouse restaurante that had never been opened to the public, my learned Oxonian friend, off the top of his head, accurately guessed my net worth."
ROOK: "My assets and investments are in excess of two million. Blaine explained that my money was merely becoming more money, and never being spent, never being used to change my life from one of misery to one of happiness. That in essence my money was lost to me because I did not allow myself to experience the power it potentially wielded. Blaine Hollywood told me that though I was rich beyond the dreams of most men and women of the United States, I was in fact suffering under a self imposed state of poverty."
ROOK: "This young man of genius- did you know that he personally tutored Cardinal Bergoglio on the finer points of classic and liturgical latin? He did. This young man of exceptional brilliance showed me that, like himself, I was gifted, and yet I was not allowing my gifts to improve my life, to improve me. My money was a result of my intelligence, my Math Degree from Texas A&M, and practical accounting and risk averse investing, which was good, but that I wasn't allowing this benefit to go for full recursion. Letting my achievements foster further personal growth. As he recommended the most nuanced and perfect Pinot Noir to accompany our saute'd octopus, he revealed a profound secret that had eluded me until recently."
ROOK: "Thanks to Blaine Hollywood, I know now that true happiness is the relentless pursuit of pleasure. And that this discovery has liberated me from all my self imposed prisons. In the Hellfire Club, I have been set free- no."
ROOK: "In the Hellfire Club, I have been reborn."
(ROOK thrusts his prized championship belt into the air proudly.)
ROOK: "This is the Triple Crown Championship. It is my great honor to state that it is now the property of the Hellfire Club. That my relentless and proven legacy of not allowing anyone to take this from me, will be put to use to strengthen my allies."
ROOK: "My goals are two-fold. One, defend this title, by any means necessary."
ROOK: "Which, as you know, is basically effortless for me at this point."
ROOK: "And two, repay my comrades for the great gift they have given me by assisting them in achieving the all that they desire, gold or otherwise."
ROOK: "Gentlemen, friends, this calls ... for a group hug."
(BLAINE and JJ and ROOK all come together in an embrace, eyes shut in satisfied smiles of contentment. They hold it for an uncomfortably long time. And finally, reluctantly part. ROOK turns and then hands a champagne flute to his new friends, then obtains his own.)
ROOK: "To the Hellfire club."
BLAINE, JJ, and ROOK: "TO THE HELLFIRE CLUB!"
(Champagne guzzle!)
(The three men throw down the flutes, smashing them on the floor."
JJ: "Someone see to cleaning this mess up THIS INSTANT."
Finally, everyone stands at attention. Walking down the steps first is BLAINE HOLLYWOOD. Blaine’s wearing a red and white striped dress shirt, tight with the top two buttons unbuttoned, tucked into pleated Brooks Brothers chinos, brown dress shoes with no socks, the HFC blazer over all of them. He adjusts his suit jacket to show off his nautical-colored themed Rolex YACHT MASTER II watch on his left wrist. Blaine holds his wrist up to check the time, before tapping it with the index finger of his other hand.)
BLAINE: “This watch right here is more than just a luxury item that men who enjoy a lifestyle of old world elegance enjoy on an HOURLY basis. You see, watches are used to tell TIME. TIME is used to calculate when things START and when things END. But things only start and end for the unwashed masses. Only CHURLS live temporary lives. AN OXONIAN such as myself? My name – BLAINE HOLLYWOOD – shall ring forth THROUGHOUT THE AGES! For I am a gifted man who is an INTERNATIONAL DRESSAGE CHAMPION and a man who personally flies in tailors from SAVILLE ROW to sew his bespoke wardrobe – not suit but WARDROBE – by hand. But, most importantly, I am a member of THE HELLFIRE CLUB! My birthing and lineage has cemented my name in history already. But by being a part of this group – the most ELITE GROUP in professional wrestling history? (Blaine adjusts the suit jacket.) THAT MEANS WE GET TO WRITE HISTORY! And it’s on this day, this BLESSED AND GLORIOUS DAY, that I take in a breath of fresh air and revel in the NEXT CHAPTER which is upon us. For The Hellfire Club’s infinite strength has just EXPONENTIALLY GROWN. For we have added a new member… ROOK BLACK!”
(Blaine holds his nose in the air.)
BLAINE: “Rook Black, you are a man that I have admired for years. You are a cunning man, such as myself, and always struck me as someone of refined taste and passion. I’ve only recognized a few men in my life – IF THAT – as my peer. Rook Black, your intellect, guile, wit and knowledge of epee swordsmanship make you just that. Together, Rook. Together WE shall hold New Frontier Wrestling in the steel grip of our combined hands. Together, we shall ask the united plebian class CHURLS asunder our boot… ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? And together we shall say… DO WHAT THOU WILT!”
(Blaine looks at his watch and then stands off to the side. From the back, we hear a familiar bellow: “WOAH WOAH WOAH! Get those swords up at a NEAR 90 DEGREE ANGLE! Do it RIGHT or you’re not getting paid! The swordsmen adjust their grips as JJ DEVILLE powerwalks out, pursing his lips, wearing a pink ascot over a white shirt – making him sort of look like “Diamonds And Pearls” era Prince – with the HFC blazer over the top. He starts chuckling before he jabs his index finger into his temple and mouths the word “GOTCHA!”)
JJ: “When will you learn to NOT DOUBT ME? When will you learn that the world TURNS when I snap my finger? Actually, I know the answer. And that’s NEVER. Because you nimrods watching at home and, particularly, the dumb dumbs in professional wrestling locker rooms across the world WILL NEVER LEARN. Because you’re all a bunch of wage slaves lucky to scribble ‘Wrestler’ on a W-2. But me? Do you know what *I* write on my W-2 form? I write ‘MASTERMIND.’ And do you know WHO ELSE DOES? That’s the latest addition to The Hellfire Club. And his name… HAHAHA! His name INDEED IS ROOOOOK BLLAACCKKK!”
(JJ golf claps before straightening up his ascot.)
JJ: “Yes, I’ve long talked up the greatest of Rook Black. Because I’ve long felt – LONG felt – that he is the most underrated wrestler in professional wrestling and one of the most influential men on this entire planet! The HFC, although we fear none of you, we are still a group bent on the mastery of both STRATEGY and TACTICS. And the ONE MAN in this league – nay, INDUSTRY – that made us shudder was ROOK BLACK. Because we collectively saw a man who is a MIRROR IMAGE of ourselves. He is a great wrestler. But he’s more than that. He is a man who earned a perfect score in both the GMATs and LSATs. Montessori schools nationwide are basing their entire curriculums around both his thoughts and deeds! And he is also professional wrestling’s GREATEST champion. He owns – OWNS – the Triple Crown Championship, a belt that we in the Hellfire Club RECOGNIZE AS THE ONE, TRUE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP IN NEW FRONTIER WRESTLING! But I do have one regret in extending our gloved hand to Rook Black. And that is not offering it upon our formation! Because, Rook Black has ALWAYS BEEN one of us. And we have always been with ROOK BLACK!”
(JJ stands to the side, across from Blaine. There’s a dramatic pause before ROOK BLACK makes his Hellfire Club debut. He slowly jaunts out underneath the swords, wearing a brown cashmere sweater made of hand-stitched alpaca fur, cradling the Triple Crown Championship in the bent crook of his arm. Blaine is arrogantly nodding his head in approval as JJ is rapidly golf clapping before bowing! Rook walks down the steps, stares at both of his new cohorts, and then holds the title up over his head. He then pounds his heart with his fist and points at JJ who mouths the word ‘MOI?’
ROOK: "Let me tell you about how incredible J.J. DeVille is. Let me tell you about how he is so absolutely right. Let me tell you about how he reached out to me in the midst of my completely wrongheaded attacks on his character. Let me tell you how he reached out to me, patiently, and made some of the most simple yet clever observations about his life and his similarity to mine."
ROOK: "J.J. had always aggravated me. And it's only now in the clarify of this moment, that I understand why. I was jealous of J.J. DeVille."
ROOK: "No, worse than that."
ROOK: "I wanted to be J.J. DeVille."
(ROOK looks down for a moment, almost as if his emotions are threatening to get away from him. BLAINE puts a firm hand on his shoulder, offering support.)
ROOK: "He had achieved just so much, so quickly. Did you know this man was unjustly blackballed from our industry, forced to tutor student athletes for meager pay? Writing other folks' term papers for them on the side? But this unjust and unfair trial hardened him. Those times of adversity forged him into an alloy of pure greatness, flexible yet incredibly strong."
ROOK: "He arrived with the Windham Clan, and became the focal point of NFW. And I, who had been here the entire time, a proud and loyal National Champion, a proud and loyal company guy, was nigh unto invisible."
ROOK: "I was spared the Windham Clan's ire. As much as I was jealous of J.J. I couldn't help but respect him. His genius. I remember the day I foresaw his disposal of Troy. I remember the time I asked him to apologize to Jack Bryant, and he indulged me merely because it was I that asked."
ROOK: "I remember that I had just petitioned the board of directors of this company, a petition against J.J. DeVille's interests, he reached out to me."
ROOK: "He told me that he heard me when I spoke. That he listened carefully. That he understood. He said that his friends and allies could help me with what I want most. That he could help me with the creation of my legacy."
ROOK: "That he sympathized with my depression, and that I didn't have to only derive joy in matches, but could perhaps instead find joy in the illicit and forbidden pleasures denied to the poor, the feeble, and the unimaginative."
ROOK: "He expanded on this great organization's singular motto."
ROOK: "Do what thou wilt."
ROOK: "The social and ethical mores of this standardized society of the mediocre are not for people like us."
ROOK: "To simplify it for you morons: Rules Are For Little Nice People."
ROOK: "Those of greatness, the Giants among Humanity, the people of intelligence, taste, wealth, and luxury, are operating on a different level. They're rules are for them, not for us."
ROOK: "We are the people who not only can do anything we want-"
ROOK: "Literally, what thou wilt."
ROOK: "-but that we should."
ROOK: "He asked me how long I intended to live my spartan lifestyle? Obsessing over nutrition and health to the exclusion of any pleasure?"
ROOK: "He extrapolated what that would mean. Since I was addicted to the joys of competing, my only pleasure and happiness, I'd never be able to retire, and would compete indefinitely in a joyless experience. Sure, I was healthy and sane and not addicted to painkillers or a relentless steroid user, now. But what about ten years? Fifteen? Twenty? What possible future could there be for Rook Black?"
ROOK: "It's important for me to say that J.J. did not mean to hurt my feelings when he said this. But he predicted my suicide in the fall of 2043."
(ROOK puts his hands on his hips and lowers his head. BLAINE and J.J. exchange knowing and concerned glances while ROOK composes himself.)
ROOK: "It was soon afterwards that I met this great man, Blaine Hollywood, and the Education of Rook Black continued."
ROOK: "Over dinner in a private penthouse restaurante that had never been opened to the public, my learned Oxonian friend, off the top of his head, accurately guessed my net worth."
ROOK: "My assets and investments are in excess of two million. Blaine explained that my money was merely becoming more money, and never being spent, never being used to change my life from one of misery to one of happiness. That in essence my money was lost to me because I did not allow myself to experience the power it potentially wielded. Blaine Hollywood told me that though I was rich beyond the dreams of most men and women of the United States, I was in fact suffering under a self imposed state of poverty."
ROOK: "This young man of genius- did you know that he personally tutored Cardinal Bergoglio on the finer points of classic and liturgical latin? He did. This young man of exceptional brilliance showed me that, like himself, I was gifted, and yet I was not allowing my gifts to improve my life, to improve me. My money was a result of my intelligence, my Math Degree from Texas A&M, and practical accounting and risk averse investing, which was good, but that I wasn't allowing this benefit to go for full recursion. Letting my achievements foster further personal growth. As he recommended the most nuanced and perfect Pinot Noir to accompany our saute'd octopus, he revealed a profound secret that had eluded me until recently."
ROOK: "Thanks to Blaine Hollywood, I know now that true happiness is the relentless pursuit of pleasure. And that this discovery has liberated me from all my self imposed prisons. In the Hellfire Club, I have been set free- no."
ROOK: "In the Hellfire Club, I have been reborn."
(ROOK thrusts his prized championship belt into the air proudly.)
ROOK: "This is the Triple Crown Championship. It is my great honor to state that it is now the property of the Hellfire Club. That my relentless and proven legacy of not allowing anyone to take this from me, will be put to use to strengthen my allies."
ROOK: "My goals are two-fold. One, defend this title, by any means necessary."
ROOK: "Which, as you know, is basically effortless for me at this point."
ROOK: "And two, repay my comrades for the great gift they have given me by assisting them in achieving the all that they desire, gold or otherwise."
ROOK: "Gentlemen, friends, this calls ... for a group hug."
(BLAINE and JJ and ROOK all come together in an embrace, eyes shut in satisfied smiles of contentment. They hold it for an uncomfortably long time. And finally, reluctantly part. ROOK turns and then hands a champagne flute to his new friends, then obtains his own.)
ROOK: "To the Hellfire club."
BLAINE, JJ, and ROOK: "TO THE HELLFIRE CLUB!"
(Champagne guzzle!)
(The three men throw down the flutes, smashing them on the floor."
JJ: "Someone see to cleaning this mess up THIS INSTANT."