Just like I guessed, Cammy's dumber than a box of rocks
[FADE IN. The camera angle is a little high, like a CCTV or webcam angle, but we see that Mr. Entertainment is sitting in a sound-booth, wearing those can headphones which give a great sound but look kind of weird. You know, the ones that radio presenters or voiceovers wear when they’re working. When he first speaks, after several seconds, it’s in a rather silly voice, cheesy and chipper, but with an almost faultless Japanese accent]
ME: Rainen mata nihon ni ikitai to omoumasu!
[He pumps his fist as he says the final word, his eyes watching a TV monitor intently but his general demeanour calm and casual. A couple more seconds go by before]
ME: Bai bai!
[And he listens through his headphones to a voice from outside the studio, nodding a little]
ME: Yeah, that’s cool. Listen, mind if you run that tape I gave ya? I wanna give somethin’ a quick watch an’ send somethin’ fer the guys an’ gals over in the States ta mull over… yeah? ‘Course I’ll be at the dinner, wouldn’t miss this premiere fer the world. Cool, cool. Thanks again, man.
[We quickly FADE OUT as we start to hear Cameron Cruise’s voice, Mr. Entertainment taking his headphones off.
We FADE IN again, hearing the end of Cameron Cruise’s latest tape, and, as Cruise finishes speaking, we’re straight back to Mr. Entertainment himself, looking up at the camera and slightly shaking his head]
ME: An’ here we go again! Boy, ya can really set yer watch by this guy, can’t ya?
An’ somethin’ else ya can count on, apart from him bein’ dull, is him gettin’ his facts wrong. Like him fergettin’ tha’ I do actually hold a win over Crockodillicus Daymonicus, with the title on the line no less. Yeah, sure, I ain’t pinned the guy, but hey – how many guys are as nice as ME
Mister Entertainment
An’ would let Crocko-s[beep] hit ‘em with the Brain Rocker Redux, lay there while he cut a piece, an’ not harp on abou’ it fer weeks afterwards even though he’s just another world champ tha’ they’ve beaten?
Oh, what, Cammy? The fact I didn’t mention yer tag title win gives ya some reason ta ferget the fact I have beaten Rocko? Or are ya just spread so thin sellin’ yerself fer a buck ninety nine a pop tha’ yer brains’re more scrambled than even I thought possible?
Hell, the fact ya think tha’ John Doe’s some kinda threat in my eyes just says it all. In case ya weren’t payin’ attention – an’ God knows it’s hard enough when yer stuck in the baggage department on the flight between towns ‘cause yer last gig didn’t even give ya breathin’ money – he’s someone who’s slightly better than you.
Though admittedly tha’ ain’t sayin’ much, seein’ as how you are abou’ the lowest guy on any totem pole.
Oh, sorry, did I spoil it for ya, Cammy? Did I let slip tha’ despite whatever luck ya’ve had outside WFW: New ERA of late, people still find ya ta be the comedy act, somewhere between the guy wrestlin’ a bear, an’ the midget world title? Sorry, tha’ was meant ta be a surprise fer yer birthday. I guess the guys in the back will just havta go with the traditional “Let’s get ‘im a cheeseburger so he can taste somethin’ other than his own faeces” tha’s normally yer birthday present from the boys.
But at a buck ninety nine a match I suppose I can’t blame ya fer takin’ every bookin’ from someone with a spot on the card ta fill because I turned the gig down. Hey, I’ve got my actin’, voice an’ public speakin’ work, not ta mention a promotion’s company ta run, an’ you’ve got the only thing yer good at.
Rollin’ around in back alleys fer dimes.
ME?
Mister Entertainment?
Shall we just say this one spot ta camera – not the voiceover work before it, just this bit ta you – is payin’ a cool hundred k. Tha’s the great thing abou’ havin’ a brain an’ some talent, ya get ta negotiate yer own contract an’ still end up with more money than the world champ.
But yer probably thinking, well, if I’m so smart, an’ wealthy, why am I still wrestlin’? I mean, sure, I could retire now, but tha’ wouldn’t be fair on people like Cameron Cruise now, would it? The guy’s comin’ off a reincarnation where he somehow got the body of a ‘roided up slug! How’s he supposed ta survive when the ratings PLUMMET because I’m not on the show any longer? Hell, fer this one match, I actually managed ta get ‘im a nice lil’ bonus.
Not more money, because anythin’ above a five he starts ta eat so he can say he’s had his greens fer the day, but a nice bonus nonetheless.
Yep, I’m gonna get Hugh ta let ya inta another party. I’ve known the guy years, before I broke inta this business. Bet ya didn’t know tha’, huh? I was a model at the time an’ just happened ta MC one of his parties.
Why ain’t I mentioned tha’ before? Because, unlike a certain… you… I don’t need ta name-drop famous friends in a bid ta get some legitimacy. If I did, well… let’s put it this way, the gossip mags would start FLYIN’ off the shelves.
Respectin’ their privacy. It’s wha’ a nice guy like ME
Mister Entertainment
Does.
[He adjusts his seat, letting his words sink in a little]
ME: Ya see, Cammy? We’re right where I said we’d be. Yer makin’ assumptions abou’ ME
Mister Entertainment.
Yer makin’ the tired ol’ “Reality Check” spiel. Yer makin’ the fifth grade insults, an’ claimin’ ta yer winnin’ gold in other companies (a) has nothin’ ta do with the bags yer carryin’, an’ (b), actually matters here in WFW: New ERA.
Lemme let ya in on another secret, Cammy. This ain’t ‘everywhere else’. This is somewhere where the talent actually has… talent. Albeit mediocre talent except fer a few, but talent nonetheless.
Gold elsewhere? Means nothin’ here. Wins elsewhere, mean nothin’ here. Spendin’ a buck fifty on a shirt like the one ya wore last piece-ta-camera ya did? Well, tha’ does mean somethin’ here, but I don’t wanna insult hobos.
Now – my guess, Cammy? Yer gonna come out with yer panties in a bunch again, spoutin’ similar nonsense ta what ya’ve already said. It’s what ya do, I can respect tha’.
But at RAUCOUS? When the greatest belt in WFW: New ERA is on the line?
Yer gonna be beaten. Simple as tha’.
But I’ll make it quick, so ya can go abou’ spreadin’ yer legs fer success in companies A through double Z tha’ ya work fer.
Maybe one day you’ll win somethin’ on yer own. It just won’t be at the ALLTEL Arena.
Now, if you’ll excuse ME
Mister Entertainment,
I’ve gotta go have dinner fer the premiere o’ this lil’ ad.
I wonder if I can get Stefani a ticket…
Oh, an’ Cammy? At least let the camera crew take a nap before ya next bit, I could hear the cameraman snorin’ through yer last one.
[FADE OUT]