JC: Well Duke, we've seen a lot tonight. Jason Payne walking out of that ring with the Free For All~! Championship...
ID: Begorrah, he shouldn't be titled, he should be locked up!
JC: Don't be a hater, Duke. Unlike you, I'm actually happy to see him with the title. That man has eaten, slept and bled this business for eight long years, and now he's the king of the mountain.
ID: I think there are two men about to tussle here tonight who'll disagree with you, Jesse.
JC: Yes, you're probably right Duke, but before we get to the proceedings, how about the brackets for the 2nd Annual TEAM Invitational Tournament?
ID: Should I just call you Schiavone now and get it over with, or are you just going to bloody shill some Surge before I get the chance to?
JC: Settle down Duke, it's not like I'm interrupting calling our next match to hype this up. And you've got to admit there are some killer first round matches in there. I'm personally looking forward to Hoyt Williams, God's Own Champion, battling The Sergeant.
ID: Pfft, anyone with the Almighty on their side won't need any help to destroy that upstart Sergeant. I'm actually a spot excited for Karl Brown to defend his Merritt Trophy.
JC: Well he's going up against a relative unknown, "The Artist" Alessandro Sanzio. We don't know what we're getting with him, but TEAM Tournaments always seem to lend themselves to surprises.
ID: Don't remind me. My poor uncle is still trying to recoup his losses for betting against NEW in the Dupree Cup finals.
JC: Well, maybe he'll learn next time before putting his life-savings into a wrestling bet.
ID: Bah.
JC: Switching gears, we're almost ready for our main event this evening. Mr. Amazing and the Big Dawg, Jake Hix, are set to do battle for the vacant TEAM Championship of Champions. We got here this evening after D!, the underdog darling of New Alberta Professional Wrestling, lost his mind and got himself stripped of the title. Mr. Amazing, who hasn't been seen or heard from since he fell from the scaffold at A1E's flagship pay-per-view event in a match against IrishRed...
ID: Bloody bugger ought to have been tried for attempted murder!
JC: Quiet, Duke! Anyway, Mr. A was also promised a rematch from the Tournament of Champions final match, so that's why he's here. Jake Hix also banked a Championship of Champions shot by his fourth place finish in the Tournament.
ID: What about Lindsay Troy? She finished third, didn't she?
JC: Well Duke, that's the thing. She hasn't returned any phone calls from TEAM offices, although I heard rumors that she wants the CoC to add to her mantle.
ID: Well, that would be quite impressive, but she still needs to answer a bloody phone.
JC: Who knows Duke. Who knows. Anyway, let's get to Marvin Darling with our introductions.
MD: Th' followin' match is scheduled for one fall and is for the TEAM Championship of Champions!
[Pop!]
MD: Introducin' first...
["Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the BOOOODIIIESSS!"]
MD: ...from Dallas, Texas, weighin' in at three-hundred twenty-three pounds. Representing Global 'Rasslin', the "Big Dawg"... Jake... HIIIIIIXXXXXX!!
[Hix enters the arena to a mixed reaction. Half the crowd is cheering him because he's somewhat of a local guy, and the other half is booing him because they follow Global and know how much of a ****heel he is.]
JC: The Big Dawg looks like he's ready to kill someone, Dukey, and with his considerable size advantage, I think he just might.
ID: You'd bloody well like to see that, wouldn't you, Jesse? I'd much rather see a rousing, competitive matchup.
JC: Yeah, right, and is that because both of these guys are quote-unquote bad guys?
ID: Exposing the business! Exposing the business!
JC: *sigh*
["Bodies" dies down and Darling gets ready to introduce Hix's opponent.]
MD: And his opponent...
[Cue up "Bittersweet Symphony" and enter Mr. Amazing! to a full on-chorus of boos from the Austin crowd.]
MD: ...hailin' from Th' Big Apple an' weighin' in at two-hundred forty-seven pounds, he's the runner-up in the 2006 Tournament of Champions... Mistuh.... AMAAAZINNNNGGG!!!
JC: And there looks to be no love lost for Mr. A! despite the long absence. It just goes to prove that absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder for truly inflammatory individuals.
ID: Bollocks! The only thing it proves is that these Texas weiners have no bloody appreciation for the true greats of the sport.
JC: Texas weiners, Duke? Did you think of that one all by yourself?
ID: Bah!
[Mr. A! enters the ring and Hix advances on him. They meet in the center, staring each other down.]
JC: Well, it looks like our new, full-time TEAM head official Kevin Bates is going to have his hands full with this one.
ID: And that's different from any TEAM match, Jesse?
JC: Touché, Duke. Touché. Bates is reading them the riot act, but neither man looks amused, Duke.
[After he's done, Bates holds up the vacant Championship of Champions, to which the crowd pops.]
ID: That's because they bloody well know what's on the line. I don't think I'd bloody well pay any mind to any of the rubbish a pencil-necked geek like this Bates character was spewing.
[DING DING DING~! The match begins and the staredown continues.]
JC: Iron Duke, channeling the spirit of one Classy Freddie Blassie here. Look at those two, Duke. You can cut the tension with a knife.
ID: Bloody right, Jesse. This is for all the marbles, for the biggest Championship in all the sport, even big...
JC: AND WE'RE OFF! Mr. Amazing! just kicked Hix in the shin! The Big Dawg is hopping around on one leg!
ID: Well I'll be bloody buggered. What a way to begin!
JC: Hix is dancing on one leg and he just walked right into that forearm from Mr. A! And now a knee to the gut, and Hix is on the canvas. Mr. A! out to a quick start here.
ID: Because he wants what he was robbed of in the Tournament of Champions.
[Hix gets to his feet.]
JC: Duke, say what you want about his behavior now, but back then, D! was more than deserving of his win. Mr. A! now grabs a recovered Hix...
[CRACK! Chop across Hix's chest.]
CROWD: WOOOOOO!!
JC: And there's two chops...
CROWD: WOOOOOO!!
JC: And another one!
CROWD: WOOOOOO!!
JC: And Mr. A! goes right for the arm. Irish whip [ID: Bloody Irish!] and back body drop on the Big Dawg there! Mr. A's a master of leverage to get someone nearly one-hundred pounds heavier than he is up that high in the air.
[Mr. A! preens for a booing crowd.]
ID: Well Jesse, I keep telling you that Mr. A! is the consummate wrestler, but you won't bloody believe me.
JC: Well he'd better stop showboating before... Hix! Hix with the lunge, but Amazing olés him!
[And in one fluid motion, sends a boot right to the back of the former Global World Champion's head.]
ID: That Terry LeVesque! He's feistier than rabid pup!
JC: And now he's about to collar the Big Dawg with that camel clutch.
ID: Har har, did you think of that one all by your bloody self, Jesse?
JC: Turnabout is fair play, Duke.
ID: Bloody rubbish.
JC: I have to say though, Mr. Amazing! is doing a great job of keeping the much larger Hix off-balance here.
ID: Well Jesse, he's the consummate technical wrestler. What else did you expect?
JC: I don't know Duke, something like we're seeing now, Hix powering out of that clutch like it's child's play!
ID: Unbloodybelievable!
JC: Mr. A! can't believe it, but I can! Hix is a big freakin' dude. The Amazing One with clubbing forearms across Hix's face... that seems to stem the Big Dawg's tide a little. Ooh, another, and another club. Hix is a little woozy here.
ID: Of course he is. Remember, Mr. A!'s forearm is surgically repaired.
[Four, five shots to Hix's face.]
JC: That's right, Duke. That's what makes his Amazing Grace so devastating. Another shot to the face and Hix slumps to the canvas. And now Mr. A! with a stomp right to the head, and that's gotta hurt.
ID: Rang his bloody bell, he did.
[Amazing drops back off the ropes.]
JC: I have to give it to Mr. A! here. He's taking it to a guy that's almost half-a-deuce heavier than he is... elbow drop and a beaut there, cover... one... no! Kickout with authority.
[Amazing snaps right up and heads towards the corner.]
ID: As you were saying before the pinfall attempt, Jesse, Mr. Amazing! is a very cerebral wrestler. He'll bloody dismantle you before you even knew it.
JC: He is very methodical, one of the best technical wrestlers in the game and he just landed that knee across the chest of Jake Hix! Second rope knee drop and Hix is feeling it now!
[Mr. A! goes to work stomping a mudhole in Hix.]
ID: And he'll keep bloody feeling it too. Mr. Amazing! is not the kind who lets up too easily.
JC: He's also not the kind... Good Lord! Did you just see that? Mr. Amazing! just stepped right across Jake Hix's face! He's lucky if he doesn't have to ask Amazing for his plastic mask from the Tournament of Champions!
ID: Still bloody harping on that, aren't you?
JC: Hey... shut up. Amazing grabs Hix to his feet and he'll continue the punishment there. One-hundred pounds of size difference, and it doesn't matter. It just goes to show that men and women of all sizes can compete at an elite level.
[Amazing sends one punch to Hix's grill.]
ID: Well, that's not always the case, but yes, I agree.
[Another punch.]
JC: Amazing now with the Irish whip... and... abdominal stretch? Man, I haven't seen that done out of the whip in forever.
ID: Bloody hell, I see it all the time in England, where wrestling's still wrestling. None of these bloody poofs trying to kill themselves by jumping off high-rises and...
JC: You're showing your age, Duke. Pipe down, alright? Although it looks like Hix is wriggling free out of this one too. He's so strong...
ID: Well you don't get to be that big and not have a bit of strength in you, you know.
JC: I know Duke, but Mr. A! has been throwing everything at him thus far, and he's still in this match. Hix looks like he's fr... NO! Mr. Amazing!, last second, just shifted back and took Hix down! Abdominal stretch takedown, right on Hix's neck!
ID: Bloody amazing!
JC: No pun intended, Duke?
[Mr. A! kicks Hix in the head as he's on the ground.]
ID: Whatever you bloody want to believe Jess, believe it.
JC: I will, Duke. Look at this! Mr. A! again trying to wear down the bigger Hix here. Bow and arrow lock.
ID: I'd have to say, even though I suggested my uncle to put 50 quid on Mr. A!, I'm quite impressed by Jake Hix so far, even if he's not gotten off to the start he wanted.
JC: That's true. Amazing's been on him so badly, but he's just keeping on fighting. Although he's going to need to mount an offense soon because if Mr. A! keeps wearing him out like this, it's not going to be long before his body just gives out.
ID: This bow and arrow lock isn't helping matters.
JC: You're right Duke, and Hix needs something, a power out, a rope break, just a way out of this hold. It looks like he might get it though, he's getting closer to the ropes here... and he's there. Amazing breaks the hold.
ID: Maybe this is the out that bloody behemoth is lookign for.
[Mr. A! walks on Hix's stomach.]
JC: Oooh, not after that. Amazing's really doing a number on Hix's midsection, first with that bow and arrow and now again! He stepped on his stomach again! Christ...
ID: He's trying to make Hix toss his lunch.
JC: You're telling... GOOD GOD! Double stomp to the gut of Hix, and I don't care who you are, that hurts.
ID: You're bloody telling me.
JC: Amazing relentless here. He's got Hix back up... gutbuster! And he's not letting go!
ID: Bloody fantastic strength for a man his size!
[Amazing hits a ribbreaker on Hix before dropping him down.]
JC: I'm going to have to begrudgingly give him some props, Duke. He's showing me a lot in the early going of this match...
[Amazing with a kick right to Hix's ribs.]
ID: I wouldn't be bloody surprised if Hix started spitting up blood.
JC: Me neither, Duke. Cover... one... two... and the Big Dawg kicks out! Things really aren't looking up for Hix here.
ID: We may have a new Champion of Champions without a bloody contest.
JC: Amazing's got him up, Irish whi... NO! Hix reversed it! LARIAAAATO~! Both men are down! Good God, that was one sick clothesline!
ID: I could have done without the stupid Japanese imitation though.
[The ref begins to count... one... two...]
JC: Hix must have cleaned his clock for him not to be getting up at this spot. Amazing's been dominating the whole match thus far.
ID: Bloody right!
[...Three... four...]
JC: I have to say, Duke, this is the most even-handed match you've ever called. Having two "bad guys" in a match must work wonders for you
ID: Oh bugger off!
[...Five... Hix is up, Amazing follows shortly thereafter.]
JC: Both men up, but Mr. A! looks a bit loopy after that... and THAT'S not going to help Amazing's cause there! Big right hand sends him back a few feet and bouncing off the ropes... and Hix just charges in with a forearm! Amazing to the outside and Hix is getting an ovation from a good part of this crowd!
ID: It is something how he's come all the way back.
JC: Indeed Duke, and now Mr. A! is looking to regroup after having the momentum snatched unceremoniously from him.
[Ref counts... one... two...]
ID: He's got to be bloody buggered after that. I guess this is going to be more of a fight than he thought.
JC: Yeah, it is.
[...Three... four... five... at five, Amazing slides back into the ring.]
JC: Looks like he's ready for more. Charges in... right into a knee lift from Jake Hix! The Big Dawg had him scouted from get-go one!
[Double axhandle to the back of Amazing and another one.]
ID: I don't know what's gotten into Hix, but he's back in this match for sure!
JC: You can say that, another double axhandle and then a vicious kick to the stomach. He's getting some payback, and it's sweet.
[Mr. A! to the canvas, Hix stomps him.]
ID: Indeed, but as the last exchange taught us Jesse, advantages can turn on a dime.
JC: Wow, Duke making sense for more than just one second. I think I'm going to call the authorities.
ID: Wanker.
JC: Hix now has Amazing up... vertical suplex and a beauty.
[Hix roars for his fans in the crowd.]
ID: And now this is what I hate, playing to the wankers out there. Most of them hate him out there.
JC: Yes, but be if you have one or a million, you always enjoy the adoration of a fan. Hix with Amazing back up and suplex... he's holding him there, all that blood rushing to Amazing's head, that can't be good.
ID: Shades of my late countryman, Davey Boy Smith!
JC: Indeed Duke, that's not going to be a pleasant landing...
[CRASH! Impact on the suplex, and Hix is wasting no time getting up and back to stomping Mr. A!]
JC: Man, Hix is just throwing Amazing around like a rag doll.
ID: The thing to remember here is that Mr. Amazing! is no flyweight!
JC: You're right Duke, Hix is showing his power and now his bruality! Knee to the small of Mr. A!'s back!
ID: I can almost not bear to watch, Jesse.
[Hix picks Mr. A! up.]
JC: Well, I can't really blame you. Irish whip here and a textbook tilt-a-whirl side slam, Mr. A! is in a world of pain right now.
ID: I'll say. I'll have to give him my chiropractor's number after this match.
JC: Good idea Duke. And now Hix mounting Mr. A! here, shades of the Ultimate Fighting Championships here with that Ground 'n Pound!
ID: Jesse, Global is known for its hybrid fighting and wrestling style. Hix is showing the fighting side here!
JC: Kevin Bates is trying to break this now, and I don't envy him one bit.
ID: Bloody hell, it's a legal hold!
JC: In UFC and maybe Global. Here though, it's still considered a closed fist. He's lucky that he got away with the five or six he did there. Hix back on the attack, scoops him up and a big backbreaker. Duke, I think you should start looking through your business cards right now because Mr. A! might need that chiropracotr's number soon.
[Hix gets up and drops back off the ropes.]
ID: Don't get too ahead of yourself here. Mr. A! is resilient.
[Hix drapes a leg over Amazing's neck.]
JC: We'll see about that. Cover... one... two... no! Amazing kicks out. Hix is up... low blow from Ama... DODGED! Hix just stepped back from that low blow and it missed...
[CRACK!]
ID: BLOODY NORAH!
JC: I agree Duke! That kick... I think that could have broken Mr. A!'s jaw! And know he drops the knee and I hope you have a good plastic surgeon's number in there too!
ID: Who do you think I am anyway, Paris bloody Hilton?
JC: I don't know, but this is getting ugly fast! Hix picks Amazing up, fireman's carry.... whattamove! Flapjack from the shoulder, and Mr. Amazing! is barely moving!
[Hix goes back to putting the boots to Amazing.]
ID: I don't bloody believe this. How much things have changed from the beginning of this match.
[Hix puts Amazing in a chinlock.]
JC: You can say that again, now it's Hix in wear-down mode here. That chinlock might look like a garden variety move, Duke, but it'll wear you down.
ID: I speak from experience, Jesse, and every word you say is right, especially with the bloody leverage Hix is getting with his weight advantage.
JC: Look at Amazing, trying to get himself to the ropes. He doesn't need to be Stretch Armstrong to reach them, but even the slightest inch seems like a mile when someone like Hix has your throat wrapped like that.
ID: You bloody Americans and your toys.
JC: What can I say, we like our leisure time. Amazing still stretching, and it looks like Hix is losing some grip on that chinlock. Could this be the out that Amazing's looking for?
ID: I don't know, but he's getting bloody close.
JC: One more inch... and Amazing has the ropes! Hix has to release the hold, although he's taking his sweet time.
ID: Bloody hell, you get five seconds!
JC: Anything over zero's still illegal though.
[Hix breaks on five, then stalks back and waits for Amazing to get to his feet.]
ID: You need to lighten up. You and your rules. You bloody ran a hardcore promotion for the better part of a year!
JC: Yeah, and I made sure my rules were lax. This is different. Amazing finally to his feet... GORE! GORE! Shades of Beast here as Mr. Amazing! just got speared out of his pants!
ID: Bloody hell!
[A sparse but loud cheer comes up from those rooting for Hix because he's the home state guy.]
JC: Hix is just battering Amazing here. The Championship of Champions could be his to take. He's got Amazing in his clutches again... OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY! What athleticism for the big man here! Amazing stumbles into the ropes and I've gotta think that Hix is only counting the seconds before he puts Mr. Amazing! away!
[Hix eyes up Amazing.]
ID: I'd agree, although I still have to remind you of Mr. A!'s resiliency.
JC: Talk resiliency all you want, but after a beating this brutal? Hix charges in...
[He hits a Bossman-style thump on Amazing as he's in the ropes.]
JC: Good God! He should just put him away here. Amazing's gotta be crushed after that one, but he's not. Hix has Amazing up again, whip and a BIG powerslam! This one's gotta be academic now. Cover... one... two... th... NO! Mr. Amazing kicked out! How in the hell did he kick out?
ID: Resiliency! I keep telling you!
JC: Hix gives head referee Bates an earful here. That's not going to help you win the match, Big Dawg. He's got Amazing up on his shoulders. Could we see the Dawg Bomb...
[Amazing slips off of Hix's shoulders and delivers an Edge-o-Matic on the way down.]
JC: NO! NO! Holy Christ, how does he do it?
ID: I don't bloody know, but he's doing it.
JC: Mr. A! rolls outside the ring to catch a breather and this match is back to square one here.
ID: Be still my beating heart!
JC: Hix is up and he sees Amazing on the outside. He's out of the ring, and it's a whole new count. Amazing just booked out there though! He wants no part of Hix!
ID: I don't think I would either until I got my bearings about me again!
JC: Hix is almost caught up to Amazing... this won't be pretty when he catches him...
[CLANG! Mr. A! stops short and gives Hix a drop toe hold right into the steel ring steps.]
ID: BEGORRAH!
JC: Holy crap! That wasn't pretty, but for the wrong person!
ID: He was baiting Hix the whole time! Brilliant.
JC: Amazing back in the ring and Hix looks like he's hurt.
[Bates counts... one... two...]
ID: Well no surprises there. Those steps hurt!
JC: I don't care what anyone at home tells you kids, those steps ARE steel. Not aluminum. And once again, don't try this stuff at home.
[...Three... four...]
JC: Hix is up, Bates is at five, but Hix slides back in the ring, only to be met by the boot of one Mr. Amazing!
ID: My word...
JC: Indeed Duke, indeed. A few more boots, and now Amazing off the ropes... knee drop right to the back of Hix's head. He's gotta be knocked out, gotta be! Cover... one... two... thr... NO! Hix kicks out!
ID: Unbelievable!
JC: That's not even the word. Whoever wins this match, both of these men are going to feel like they lost.
[Amazing picks Hix up, whips him into the corner.]
ID: That's not true. Winning is the greatest salve one could ask for.
JC: That's true Duke. Still, each of these men is going to hurt. Amazing sets Hix up in the corner. Could we see the Exclamation Point Driver here?
ID: If we do, this match is bloody over!
JC: Amazing climbing... no! Hix just shoved him away! He's to his feet on the turnbuckle... double axhandle to the skull of Mr. Amazing! I can't believe this! Neither one of these two men wants to give up! They both want the Championship of Champions bad!
[Hix with one European uppercut to Amazing, two...]
ID: It's all about the gold, the one title that says you're the better of every other Champion in the wrestling world!
[Three... four...]
JC: Indeed Duke, this is for the best of the best, and five European uppercuts to the head of Mr. Amazing says that Jake Hix is definitely staking his claim. Mr. A! looks a bit punch drunk... Irish whip... tilt-a-whirl backbreaker and a beaut! Cover... one... two... no! Mr. Amazing! kicks out!
ID: I'm on the edge of my bloody seat!
JC: I am too Duke, I am too. Hix is calling for the end here! He's got Amazing up... Dawg Collar! Dawg Collar! Hix's has got that rear naked choke cinched in!
ID: Wait a bloody second! No he doesn't! Amazing's got his bloody arm right in there!
JC: You're right Duke! He's staving off the hold and fighting it off. Hix can't get leverage! Amazing is pushing back...
[CRUNCH~!]
JC: Good Lord! Amazing just drove Hix back into the turnbuckle, and they partially took Kevin Bates with them! His arm is caught behind Hix in the corner!
ID: Bloody...
JC: NO! NO! Mr. Amazing just back-kicked Hix in the groin! Not like this! And Bates didn't see it! He was all tied up!
ID: It's only bloody illegal if you don't get caught!
JC: Ugh Duke... Amazing out of the corner and Hix stumbles out too! Amazing off the ropes... AMAZING GRACE! AMAZING GRACE! Flying loaded forearm and I think Hix is out cold! Mr. A! with the cover... not like this... two... THREE!
[DING DING DING!]
MD: Here is your winnuh... AND NEW TEAM CHAMPION OF CHAMPIONS.... Mistuh.... AAAAMAAAZING!!!
[Cue up "Bittersweet Symphony."]
JC: Mr. Amazing!'s done it, but...
ID: Oh come off it Jesse. Did he hit Hix with a foreign object?
JC: No.
ID: Did he need the help of El Tremendo or someone else to defeat Hix?
JC: No.
ID: Then this match isn't as tainted as you'd think, right?
JC: It still sucks... but you're right Duke, it could have sucked worse.
ID: Bah, there's no getting to you.
JC: I guess not. Anyway, Mr. Amazing! is the new Champion of Champions, and we're out...
[Suddenly, Mr. A!'s music cuts out. The new CoC is bewildered.]
JC: Well, this is an unexpected development.
ID: Bloody hell! This is unbecoming a new Champion's celebration!
[Mr. A! looks around to see what the hell's going on.]
JC: It's probably just techincal malfunction. Anyway, that's enough out of Austin. Thank you very much for tuning into T...
[Suddenly, "Trampled Underfoot" cues up on the PA and the arena EXPLODES!]
JC: What the...
ID: It can't be!
[It is. "The Queen of the Ring" Lindsay Troy appears at the entrance from the back. Mr. A! looks in shocked disgust at the interloper on his celebration.]
ID: That harlot! She's not supposed...
JC: She is the number one contender to the Championship of Champions, Duke! And I think she's sending a message to the new Champion!
[Troy makes a motion around her waist for the gold.]
JC: She's coming for the title! But when? That's all we have time for! For the Iron Duke, I'm Jess Chapel! Thank you for watching TEAM SuperShow II!
[Fade to the TEAM logo.]
