JC: Now it’s time for an…special interpromotional match….of sorts.
ID: That’s right, Chapel. I have to give you credit for getting a REAL CHAMPION to appear on your show, carrying one of the most hallowed belts in wrestling.
JC: …of sorts.
(“The opening few beats of “Rockafeller Skank” play before melting into Thomas Dolby’s “She Blinded Me With Science” signifying the arrival of a true Wrestling legend, a multi-time MBE World Heavyweight Champion, the scion of Team T, and perhaps the CSWA World Unified Champion. It’s a little murky. He is being carried to ringside on a throne carried by the other members of Team T, and followed behind by the Team T goat.)
JC: You know, it might make more sense to not tire out the only thing standing between you and a title defense by making them carry you to ringside on a gilded throne.
ID: Now, now, I have faith in the strategery of the good Professor, Chapel. After all, he is a wrestling scholar.
JC: Duke, I haven’t done a ton of research into it, but I’d be willing to wager the Professor title is merely an honorific.
ID: Back in the mother country, we would never allow such slander against a man of letters.
JC: Anyway, by virtue of a coin toss backstage, Yori Yakamo, jr…
ID: The Cerebral Cocksassin
JC: …thank you for that, Duke. Yori Yakamo jr won the right to face the Team T gauntlet first. He should be arriving….
(Before Chapel can finish, Smitty, Yori’s transsexual personal assistant emerges from the back in a very stately tuxedo. She is followed by Yori’s Thai Hooker Marching Band, dressed only in pasties. With a tap of the wand, the band breaks into a stirling rendition of “My Sharona” as rendered by Japanese New Wave band The Polysics. They begin marching down to ringside.)
ID: But where’s The Excellence of Sexecution?
JC: Passed out in the back, lying in a puddle of his own drool consisting mostly of booze and Quaaludes?
(A single spotlight shines at the top rows of the arena, Yori emerges from the nosebleed seats, clad in his trademark electric blue full length fur coat with yellow racing stripes. He quickly sheds the coat, as the female fans in attendance begin to fight over it like the bouquet at a Jersey Shore wedding. Yori continues down to ringside, gyrating his hips, clad only in assless leather chaps and tiny wrestling tights with a giant bullseye on the crotchular region.)
ID: Better get your checkbook ready, Chapel, I think the FCC is going to be calling tomorrow morning.
(Hordes of woman stampede over to Yori to shove dollar bills in his pants.)
ID: Drinks are on Yori!
JC: I thought it would be fun to run a wrestling organization.
(Yori finally emerges from the stands about fifty dollars richer, and with the possibility of three or four paternity suits in a few months. He takes the baton from Smitty and leads the Thai Hooker Band in the last few measures of his theme song before turning to Professor and making the international symbol for ‘I want your belt.’ Professor, who was quite enjoying the show up until this point, calls for a microphone.)
PROFESSOR: Now, now, Yori, calm down there. We can all see you’re very excited at the prospect of winning the CSWA Unified Title. Sadly, I had to send the belt out for cleaning right before coming here tonight. Don’t worry, though, it’s somewhere very safe. A safety deposit box somewhere in New Mexico, to be more specific. But don’t worry, if through some miracle you actually manage to win the title tonight, I will provide you with a key to the Safety Deposit Box and a first class train ticket to New Mexico. And I assure you, there will be no snakes on your train. And the safety deposit box will be in no way booby trapped with extremely poisonous gases.
ID: That seems like a very reasonable offer to me.
PROFESSOR: Of course, while you have been listening to me, my Team Tremndous, per my orders, have snuck around the ring, and now have the drop on you. GET HIM MINIONS!
(Yori swings around, but there is no one there. Profesor turns back, and sees the team sitting in the giant cart, as shocked as Yori is.)
PROFESSOR: We went over this in the car at least three times. At least the goat listens to me, even if he is easily bribed.
(On the other side of the ring, Smitty feeds the apple a goat and pets his head)
JC: Well with that….sequence of events out of the way, we are ready to start the match.
(The equally confused ref calls for the bell. The Olympic silver medallist, Allworld, is prodded into the ring by the Professor.)
JC: And we finally have something resembling a wrestling match.
(Yori catches Allworld coming in with a poke to the eye and some blatant choking)
JC: Okay, maybe I spoke to soon.
(The ref implores Yori to break the choke. Which he does at a four count. He whips Allworld into the far ropes and hits a nice looking leg lariat. He quickly covers, but only gets a two count.)
ID: Yori, smartly going for a quick pinfall, showing why he is the cerebral….
JC: We know, Duke.
(Yori rolls Allworld over and applies a Camel Clutch [with thrusting])
JC: Well isn’t that just lovely.
(Allworld slips out and pulls Yori’s legs out from under him. He smoothly transitions into a side headlock. Yori makes it back to his feet and sends Allworld off into the ropes. Tyrone tosses him a pair of knucks as he bounces back, but Allworld misses and the ref gets conked in the head with the wayward dusters.)
ID: A bit of miscommunication there from Team T
(Yori catches Allworld with a Huricanrana [with thrusting], but as the ref tries to regain his senses, The Team T Midget jumps Yori from behind and begins clawing at his eyes and biting his skull. Yori manages to remove the midget from his head and tosses him under the ropes and out of the ring, but he turns right into a tidy chokeslam from Tyrone. The ref begins to come to, and Team T scatters from the ring. Allworld flops on top for a cover.)
JC: It could be a short night for Yori.
ID: No! Yori out at two and a half.
(Allworld drops the straps on his somewhat faded silver singlet. As Yori slowly rises, he grasps him for the Silver Medal Slam.)
JC: Many a wrest…umm…..several….well I’m sure Allworld has defeated someone with this devastating move.
(Not Yori though, as the Excellence of Sexecution wriggles free and grabs a rear waistlock before rolling Allworld up in a Japanese leg roll clutch [with thrusting])
1…
2…
3!
MD: Allworld has been eliminated!
JC: And Yori survives his first test of the evening.
ID: Professor Tremendous is huddling with the rest of Team T.
JC: I think they are trying to decide who gets the next shot at Yori.
(While he waits, Yori is toweled off and fanned by the saxophone section of the Thai Hooker marching band. On the Team T side of the ring, after a brief meeting of the minds, Tyrone tosses Tuss into the ring.)
JC: And another Team T minion is into the fray.
(Tuss charges across the ring at Yori, who casually sidesteps. Tuss plows into the first Saxophone player.)
ID: Yori is not going to be happy. If that Thai Hooker is damaged, he’ll never be able to return it to the store.
(Yori peels Tuss off his hooker and looks for the YORI = AWESOME. Tuss wriggles free and gets a sunset flip.)
1…
2…
(Yori kicks out a second before being pinned. Tuss seems almost shocked that he almost won a match. Yori is up quickly but runs into a hip toss attempt. He leans back to block it but Tuss gives him a punch to the gullet. Yori doubles over and Tuss places his leg over YYJ’s head. As Yori stands up he launches Tuss over his head. Tuss rolls Yori up again.)
JC: Another sunset flip, Tuss is a house afire.
1…
2…
(Yori kicks out in the nick of time again. Tuss goes over to the Professor for some coaching. Professor indicates he should kick Yori in the nuts and then go for another sunset flip.)
ID: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
(Tuss walks over to Yori and implores him to look over there. Yori, MENSA candidate, obliges. He gets a kick in the groin for his troubles. Tuss leaps over his doubled over frame for another sunset flip, but Yori blocks it and sits down for a pinfall of his own)
1…
2…
(Tuss kicks out at the last possible moment. Yori is up and annoyed. He tosses Tuss into the turnbuckles and begins to chop Tuss down. Tuss slumps more and more into the corner, until the ref finally begs Yori off. Professor uses the opportunity to slip Tuss those dastardly dusters.)
JC: Professor Tremendous already using desperate measures.
ID: Well, for Professor, I’d say it’s just an average grappling adventure.
(Yori charges in again and gets caught with a big time brass-aided uppercut from Tuss. YYJ staggers back and flops facedown on the mat. Tuss moves to make a pinfall, but Professor Tremendous indicates that he wants Tuss to go to the top turnbuckle for another sunset flip.)
JC: I don’t know if that is a wise tactical decision by the Professor.
ID: He’s the one with the doctorate in Applied Grappling Arts from The Sorbonne.
JC: Ummm, that’s not actually true or factual.
(Tuss unsteadily climbs to the top rope. Yori slowly makes it to his feet. Smitty points behind him, but Yori says he is not falling for that again. Smitty throws up her hands in disgust and finally just grabs the top rope, crotching Tuss. Professor leaps up onto the apron and calls shenanigans, but the ref is busy trying to get the goat to stop chewing on the ring apron.)
ID: It is as if great French playwright Eugene Ionesco imagined some sort of gladiatorial farce.
JC: Whatever you say, Dukie.
(Yori hoists Tuss up into the tree of woe position. He marches across the ring and measures up his opponent.)
JC: Yori looking for some sort of high impact move, perhaps.
(Yori charges across the ring but stops in front of Tuss and unleashes a furious stream of straight punches to Tuss’s exposed crotch.)
ID: High impact indeed.
(Tuss frantically begins to tap out, and the ref has no choice but to call for the bell. An irritated Professor protests the decision by throwing his Extra large Diet Mountain Dew and half an uneaten Monster Thickburger into the ring.)
MD: Tuss has been eliminated!
(As Yori celebrates, Angleholic Anonymous jumps him from behind and unleashes a monster German Suplex, then unleashes a symphony of ‘woos’)
JC: The second oldest of the Brothers Anonymi, Angleholic is known for his wooing and his regional championship in Warhammer 3000. And maybe a little bit for his wrestling.
(Angleholic drops his strap and looks for the anklelock, but it is countered into a victory roll by the beleaguered YYJ)
1…
2…
AA kicks out.
(AA is up first and sets up Yori for another German suplex. Yori frantically elbows out of the hold and Angleholic breaks. Yori turns around and chops away but AA scurries to the ropes and implores the ref to tell Yori to stop hitting him.)
ID: It is indeed hard to find good help on this miserable continent. I feel for the Professor.
(Yori drags AA off the ropes, as the Anonymous brother holds on for dear life. Professor comes over and AA begs for help, but the good professor holds up the Midget who bites Angleholics’s hand. AA yelps and releases his grip on the ropes, sending him careening into Yori, landing on top for a pinfall.)
1…
2…
Yori kicks out.
(Yori is up first and drops AA with a short armed lariat. He calls for a dildo from Smitty who tosses him the Yori Yakamo Spacial Edition 7” in a pleasant powder blue. He prepares for a home run shot, but the ref steps in front and demands he hand it over.)
JC: Seriously, where does Yori think he is, NFW? In TEAM we follow the rules.
ID: With the action thus far being a prime example.
JC: Fine. But we draw the line at sex toys.
(The ref finally wrests the dildo from Yori who turns around right into an Angleholic Slam.)
JC: Yori caught off guard, this might be it for him.
AA excitedly flops on top.
1…
2…
(Yori pops his shoulder off the mat at the last second. Professor does not take it well and demonstrates to the ref how to count to…well, one.)
JC: Double A lifts the groggy Yori back to his feet. A second Angleholic Slam. Yori is on dream street, it looks like The Professor will dodge this bullet.
(AA rolls Yori over and goes for the cover. But there is no count, as the ref has been distracted by the Twin Thai Hooker percussionists up on the apron. Professor runs over to protest, but when he pulls one of the hookers off the apron he gets maced for his trouble.)
ID: Really, where was she keeping that?
JC: Well I suppose when you are a Thai hooker in the employ of Yori Yakamo, jr, you can never be to careful.
(Meanwhile, Smitty sneaks into the ring, and slams her four inch stiletto heel right into the skull of AA. She rolls Yori on top for the cover and scurries out of the ring. The ref turns to make the cover, but the Team T Midget leaps off the top turnbuckle and lands on the ref’s shoulders, covering his eyes with his hands so he can’t see the pin. Tyrone sneaks into the ring and deadlifts Yori into a Military press before dropping him flat on his face while Smitty is restrained by Tuss and Allworld.)
JC: This is descending into anarchy.
(Tyrone rolls AA on top of Yori and rolls out of the ring. The midget hops down onto his shoulders and they duck down out of sight of the very confused ref.)
JC: This looks like it will, finally, be it.
1…
2…
THWACK!
(The ref is hit in the side of the head with the Yori Black Thunder 11.”)
ID: Now that is just bad henchmen management.
(On replay, we see Smitty step on Allworld and Tuss’s feet, before producing the dildo from her tuxedo pants and launching a perfectly aimed shot at the ref’s cranium.)
ID: Can we get another ref down here?
(Smitty drags the ref out of the ring. Professor sneaks in to get the remains of his Monster Thickburger as a second ref runs down from the back. He slides under the bottom rope and counts the pin.)
1…
2…
ID: Yori kicks out! We play on.
JC: This is like Groundhog Day, but with more dildos.
(A glassy AA lifts Yori up for one more Angleholic slam. But Yori leaps off AA’s knee on the way up and hits him with his trademark Shining Thumb to the Eye. On pure instinct he follows with the YORI = AWESOME reverse tombstone. He falls back on top for the pin.)
1…
2…
3!
MD: Angleholic Anonymous has been eliminated!
ID: Perhaps there is something to this Man of Destiny bollocks.
(Professor munches on his Monster Thickburger for a bit of comfort food, as the littlest Team T member sets to take to the ring. Across the squared circle Yori has managed, with a shoulder rub from the bassoon player and a handful of Quaaludes from Smitty, to regain some of his senses.)
YORI: Smitty, those must be bad ludes. I see a midget.
SMITTY: No, Yori, you have to fight the midget.
YORI: Now I see three of them.
SMITTY: Well, hit the middle one.
YORI: Now I see a magical unicorn with a dildo for a horn, and riding him is a one eyed floating snake named Djibouti.
SMITTY: Well… I got nothing.
YORI: Hi Djibouti!
(Yori’s Magical Mystery Tour will not be seen at this time. We interrupt your regularly scheduled bad trip for a midget headbutting Yori repeatedly in the testicles.)
JC: You know what, I’m just finished commentating on this match for a bit. Can I get a cocktail, or a gun… to shoot…somebody?
ID: I might be able to get you some of Yori’s ludes.
JC: Whatever.
(Yori tries to mount a feeble offense but the midget keeps running through his legs every time he attempts to grasp it. Finally Smitty steps in and trips the midget with her conductor’s baton. Yori picks the midget up and delivers YORI = AWESOME.
Unfortunately the midget is so short that his head doesn’t actually reach the ground. Instead the midget just begins biting Yori on the lower back.)
YORI: Ahhh there’s a yellow and green raccoon on me. GET IT OFF!.
(Yori runs around the ring with the midget still attached to his back by its teeth.)
ID: It’s like an itch you just can’t reach, except that itch is a tiny, possibly rabid, dwarf.
(Yori continuously runs around in a circle, making both he and the midget dizzy. Finally they both collapse in a heap next to each other.)
ID: A dramatic double KO! Umm, Chapel, are you gonna give me some help here, mate?
JC: I am absolutely not going to pay forty dollars for those Quaaludes, I don’t care how many Thai hookers you have to feed. Twenty dollars is my absolute last offer.
(Yori and the midget slowly make it to their feet as the ref administers a standing ten count. A dizzy Yori backs into the dwarf and, startled, swings around.)
YORI: AHHHH! A TINY PERSON! ARE YOU MIDGET PHAROH?
TEAM T MIDGET: Uhhhh…
YORI: LET MY PEOPLE GO!
(Yori grabs the slightly green midget and javelin tosses him out the ring, and into the Thai Hooker Marching Band Bass drum.)
ID: Say what you will about Yori’s wrestling acumen, but with the aid of mind-altering substances, he is a dangerous bloke. Mostly to himself, but occasionally midgets.
(Team T goes to retrieve their midget, but the quick thinking Smitty rolls the bass drum up the ramp, midget still inside. The ref starts his ten count.)
1…
2…
3…
4…
5…
6…
7…
8…
9…
(Tyrone retrieves the midget and attempts to toss him back into the ring in time. He measures up a bit short though and the midget slams awkwardly into the ring apron. The giant sheepishly bites on his fingernails.)
10!
MD: The Team T Midget has been eliminated!
ID: Well I think I speak for everyone here when I say, this match is the most disturbing thing I have seen in my lifetime. And I have watched several hours of Yori’s underwater Scuba porn…for…commentating… research… of course.
(Yori, drugged, dizzied and dazed, beckons the last member of Team T on to the ring. Of course, in his head he sees a seven foot woman who looks not unlike Marianne Faithful carrying stone tablets on which are carved the New Laws of Yoriology: Super Sexy Edition. Tyrone reaches over the top rope and pulls Yori rudely out onto the floor. He heaves Yori into the steel barricade and begins stomping away.)
ID: Yori might be up to his neck in it, here. Wouldn’t you agree, Chapel?
(Chapel, passed out, headset still on, a bit of drool at the corner of his lip.)
ID: Ah well. Professor. PROFESSOR! Would you be a good bloke and help me out with this commentary, here. Excellent, my good sir.
(Tyrone tosses a now bleeding Yori into the ring before stepping over the top rope and planting a size 17 boot on his chest for the pinfall.)
1…
2…
(Yori kicks out.)
ID: That bloke can take a fair share of punishment.
PROFESSOR: Well, my extensive study of phrenology has led me to the conclusion that while he may have a thick skull, such a character trait is indicative of a man lacking higher reasoning skills, a completely unsuitable CSWA World Unified Champion, unlike myself. Plus, who wears leather chaps nowadays? And in basic black?
(The Tidy Giant hoists Yori up and whips him into the near turnbuckle, following close behind with a huge Avalanche splash.)
ID: Yori may need to be peeled off the turnbuckle after that.
(Yori collapses in a heap in the corner.)
PROFESSOR: He better not have bled on the Giant’s tights. There is no way I am paying for new ones. The Team T credit card is maxed out right now.
TUSS: And of course, you are banned from most of the finer wrestling apparel boutiques in the country.
PROFESSOR: Who invited you over here?
TUSS: The rest of the gang is hungry, we were wondering if we could go get some hot dogs.
PROFESSOR: Fine, fine, and while you are there bring be back some fried dough. A half pound should do.
TUSS: I don’t think they sell it by the pound.
PROFESSOR: Well, guesstimate, that is what I pay you for, toady.
TUSS: Toady is on sabbatical to pursue a career as a body double for Harvey Keitel. I’m Tuss.
PROFESSOR: Whatever. And don’t skimp on the powdered sugar. Or the Cheeze-wiz
(Tyrone sets Yori for a massive, yet tidy, chokeslam, but Yori manages a beautiful Greco-roman reversal, and of course, by that we mean, kick him in the jimmies.)
PROFESSOR: Look at this, this man is a rank amateur with no class or flair. There is no art to his work. It’s vaguely pornographic.
ID: Vaguely?
PROFESSOR: Are there no rules left in wrestling at all? If this organization had any class, Yori would be disqualified and banned from the sport.
ID: Well, seeing as how the owner is passed out in a drug-fueled stupor, you may be out of luck there.
PROFESSOR: Think of the children, and to a lesser extent, the midgets.
(Tyrone clutches his groin in agony and drops to one knee. Yori wanders off the far rope and fires off an actual, non-groin-or-eye-based shining wizard. Tyrone staggers back, but remains on his feet. Yori follows with a spinning heel kick, and Tyrone stumbles into the opposite ropes, but still stays on his feet.
A second spinning heel kick, but the woozy giant refuses to go down.)
ID: Yori will need more firepower than that.
(Yori thinks for a second, and then collapses in agony, clutching his ankle. Smitty rushes to his aid, as does the referee.)
PROFESSOR: What? He was fine a second ago. I call shenanigans!
(As Yori pleads with the ref to leave his ankle alone, grabbing him by the collar and pulling him close. Smitty unloads the entire back catalog of Yorilove.com into his boot.)
PROFESSOR: This is a flimsier ruse than the Tom Cruise baby. I will not stand for it.
(Professor tries to interject, getting right in Smitty’s face and accusing her of vile chicanery. Smitty responds by blowing her rape whistle right in the poor Professor’s ear. Yori, dragging his hideously dildo-engorged right foot behind him, makes it to his feet, and, patting him on the back, assures the ref that his ankle feels much better now. They both barely duck in time to avoid the lumbering lariat from a recovered Tyrone. The Tidy Giant turns around just in time to get met full on with a sex toy aided spinning heel kick.)
ID: Van Dildonator!
(The giant falls to the mat with a might crash Yori leaps on top for the pin.)
1…
2…
3!
MD: Tyrone the Tidy Giant has been eliminated! The winnuh of this gauntlet.... Yori Yakamo... JUUUNNNNIOOORRRR!!
ID: Yori did it, by jove! With a little help from some dildos, a bass drum, a handful of Thai Hookers, psychotropic drugs, and a transsexual hooker and marching band conductor, he has done the improbable. He has won a date with destiny and a shot what has at least a twelve percent chance of being the CSWA UNIFIED WORLD TITLE. The Professor cannot be happy.
(Smitty leads the Thai Hookers in a rousing rendition of Yori’s theme, though it lacks a bit of bass drum, while Professor Tremendous tries to calm the ringing in his ears.)
ID: Folks, we’re going to regroup and try to get Jess Chapel conscious again, but we will be right back as Adam Benjamin tries to survive the gauntlet as well. But who can conceive of the scheme that the Professor may develop in the meantime?
[Cut to a promo showing the Dupree Cup trophy and some vague announcements.]
JC: We’re back folks, and I have been told by my colleague that Yori Yakamo, jr has assured himself a place in the next round of the CSWA World Unified Title Gauntlet. God helps us all. Next up, a man of actual class and grappling skill, Adam Benjamin.
ID: Your biases are patently obvious, Chapel. Benjamin may be my countryman, but even I can ignore any national pride to give an unbiased view. And that view is that Yori Yakamo, jr is the Greatest Wrestler the World has ever seen, and is the Son of God and the Saviour of the Universe.
JC: Were you reading that copy of Yorinetics over the break? Put that piece of vile blasphemy away immediately before you get brainwashed.
("Lose Yourself" plays and Adam Benjamin strides to ringside, appearing slightly dismayed at the carnage of Thai Hooker instruments, dildos, and Fried dough containers that lay strewn before his path. He steps through the ropes and calmly stretches out, awaiting his first opponent.)
JC: Going through five men is no easy task, but Team T must be weary and flummoxed after their failure to stop Yori Yakamo, jr. And we can all only pray that Benjamin can save us from having to witness a Yori Yakamo, jr./Professor Tremendous match. Especially Chad Merrit, who will no doubt be spinning in his grave after being shot by police during a tri-state killing spree brought on by having to witness such a bout for the CSWA’s most coveted title.
{The ref calls for the bell and Allworld stops gorging himself on foot long frankfurters as Tuss informs him that he has to wrestle again. He stands up and immediately clutches his stomach.)
ID: Uh-oh, if the strong style of Adam Benjamin doesn’t spell trouble for the Olympic Silver medallist, a bad case of indigestion might.
(Allworld slowly walks up the stairs and onto the apron. Professor tosses him a bottle of Pepto Bismol, which he begins to chug. He then tosses the bottle at Benjamin’s head and charges into the ring, catching the UCW US Champion with an amateur double leg takedown. Adam pulls Allworld into his guard and waits for an opportunity to counter, but Allworld just sort of lays there)
ID: In the UFC this might be called ‘lay and pray.’ Here it seems like ‘lay and digest.’
JC: Those Boston beans Allworld smothered his dogs in can be a fickle mistress.
(Benjamin shifts his hips in a flash and reverses Allworld into the full mount. Allworld wriggles out and manages to get back to his feet, despite having changed to a very unhealthy shade of green. Allworld gets caught with a kick to the stomach as he is backing up and collapses in a heap on the mat. He feebly taps out before anymore punishment can be levied on his digestive tract.)
MD: Allworld has been eliminated. (Ed. note: again!)
JC: Well, that was…brisk.
ID: A massive KO from Adam Benjamin, with an assist from the no doubt numerous health code violations that go on at the concessionaries at this arena.
(With some words of encouragement from the Professor [“Don’t let him hit you”] Tuss charges into the ring and is immediately caught in a Greco-roman clinch by Benjamin. He catches a beautiful leg sweep and lands on top of the Team T flunky. Tuss, foolishly gives up his back, and Benjamin sinks in the hooks.)
JC: Rear naked choke, and Benjamin has it locked in good. Tuss is tapping out!
MD: Tuss is eliminated! (Ed. note: again!)
ID: Benjamin is just mowing through Team Tremendous. And the Professor looks a bit perplexed.
JC: Perhaps he didn’t expect to face off against anyone who actually knows how to wrestle. It would put his cohorts at a bit of disadvantage.
(Professor looks up from his pile of fried dough and begins to do some quick math on his fingers. He looks dismayed.)
JC: Angleholic Anonymous is refusing to get into the ring.
ID: And after seeing what finely chopped mincemeat Benjamin made of his co-workers, I can’t say as I blame the chap.
(Angleholic Anonymous holds onto the Team T goat for dear life. Finally, with the aid of Professor’s cattle prod, Tyrone coaxes AA into the ring.)
JC: Angleholic is imploring Benjamin not to hit him in the face. He is on his knees, begging him now.
ID: Now he is hitting him in the nuts.
(AA pleads with the ref to disqualify him. The ref obliges. AA runs like the dickens.)
MD: Angleholic Anonymous has been eliminated! (Ed. note: again!)
JC: The good Professor is facing some dwindling numbers.
(The Team T Midget, on crutches and in a neckbrace, hobbles up the ring steps. Benjamin can’t believe his eyes and calls for a microphone.)
BENJAMIN: Listen, this has gone on far enough. I came here to wrestle for a coveted singles title. Not to participate in a farce of such epic proportions. There is no sport and beating up a crippled midget. And you, Tremendous, should be ashamed for sending him back out here to wrestle.
JC: Finally, some sanity is brought to these proceedings.
BENJAMIN: Listen, my mate, I can see that you have the heart of five men. But you don’t have to fight me. Just let yourself be counted out and we’ll continue.
(The midget mulls this over for a moment. He nods and asks for some help to be lowered to ringside.)
JC: Adam Benjamin is a true sportsman.
(As Adam leans over to help the wee one. He has a mouthful of Mountain Dew spit in his eyes and his shins battered with the Midget’s tiny crutches.)
ID: Adam Benjamin is a bloody idiot.
(An enraged Benjamin thrust kicks the midget who goes bowling end over end into the corner. The ref steps in and stops the fight, disqualifying the midget for use of his tiny crutch, before Benjamin can do anything more, though.)
MD: The Team T midget has been eliminated! (Ed. note: again!)
(Benjamin angrily throws the wee crutch in the direction of Professor Tremendous. The Professor stops gorging himself on fried dough long enough to jaw a bit with Benjamin. The distraction allows Tyrone the Tidy Giant to get the drop on Benjamin and he locks in a Cobra Clutch)
JC: Professor T down to his last man, luckily that man is over seven feet tall and of monstrous proportion.
(Benjamin calmly reaches over his head and, using his superior leverage, judo throws the Giant to the mat.)
JC: My god. Benjamin tossed the Giant like a sack of potatoes. He must outweigh Benjamin by 150 pounds.
(A bit of trademark ground and pound and a head and arm choke later and the Giant is tapping)
MD: Tyrone the Tidy Giant has been eliminated! (Ed. note: again!) The winnuh of this gauntlet... "Yours Truly" Adam... BENNNJAMINNNNN!!
ID: My word!
JC: What a display of dominance by Adam Benjamin. I don’t even know if Yori made it back to the locker room before Benjamin finished. And he will have to come back out and face this Strong Style Machine for the right to face Professor Tremendous for the “CSWA Unified World Title.”
ID: And one-way or the other, the Professor will have to defend his belt tonight. He doesn’t looked too bothered by the prospect, though.
(The Professor continues snacking on fried dough, alternately berating his minions for their poor showing, and feeding the goat leftover pretzels.)
(A more conventional version of The Polysics’ “My Sharona” plays Yori down to ringside. Yori emerges from the back in track pants, and only has enough energy left for a few hip gyrations on his way to ringside. He is accompanied by the still tuxedoed transsexual, Smitty.)
JC: Yori is at a severe disadvantage here, as Adam Benajmin has barely broken a sweat, while Yori faced a very tough road through his Gauntlet. Wouldn’t you agree, Duke?
ID: Well, I would say that Yori is at a severe disadvantage due to Benjamin having even the most rudimentary grasp of the fundamentals of professional wrestling, but that would besmirch the LIGHT OF YORIOLOGY.
JC: Seriously, stop reading those informative pamphlets.
(As Yori approaches ringside, Benjamin tries to get the ref’s attention. He is pointing at Yori’s pants. A closer look reveals several large bulges in various directions.)
JC: Benjamin seems to be implying that Yori is carrying some foreign objects in his pants.
ID: Well, in fairness, unless Yori is truly the multi-phallused diety he purports in Yorinetics, and if so, good on him, he is probably packing five or six dildos in there.
JC: Benjamin is demanding that Yori be checked for foreign implements. Yori is proclaiming his innocence. The ref is going to have a look inside there, though. We heare at TEAM prepared for this likely occurrence by providing each of our refs with surgical masks and sterile gloves. Cause really, we’re not even going to hazard a guess at what is going on down there.
(Like some sort of perverted Captain Caveman, every time the ref digs around Yori’s crotch he pulls out another dildo. The Yori Yakamo Special Edition (in both Pink and Orange), Black Thunder, Dreamweaver, and YORIDENT, are all summarily removed, along with, for good measure, a pair of brass knuckles, an ether soaked rag, a six inch length of chain, and a small taser.)
JC: Well, I think we are finally ready to begin. The censors can take their smoke break now.
ID: Well at least Yori got some product placement in.
(The bell rings and Yori and Benjamin circle each other. Collar and elbow, which Benjamin breaks and fires off an elbow to YYJ’s cranium. Two more follow and Yori drops to one knee, holding his head as if he has a migraine. Benjamin hits the ropes, but runs into a jumping eye poke.)
JC: You’d think Benjamin would have seen that coming.
ID: Well, he has one less eye to see things with now.
(Benjamin blocks a right hand from Yori and smacks him upside the head, encouraging him to wrestle for once in his life. Yori considers this for a second and instead rips off his tear away track pants and throws them over Benjamin’s head. After some hip gyrations for the screaming ladies. Yori charges Benjamin and levels the blind UCW US Champ with a lariat.)
JC: We quickly descend into the callous, cynical style of rule bending that makes up Yori’s oeuvre.
ID: Come on now, Yakamo is just a sportsman. He wanted Benjamin to have a small souvenir from their epic confrontation.
(Benjamin tosses the track pants off his head as he gets back to his feet, but Yori catches him with a running bulldog. The Excellence of Sexecution covers.)
1…
(Benjamin immediately kicks out.)
JC: Well, I think Yori has run out of wrestling moves now. He could be in trouble.
(Yori runs screaming away from Adam Benjamin and cowers in the corner.)
JC: A sportsman indeed.
ID: Give the kid some slack, Chapel. With the amount of drugs pumping through his system, perhaps he just saw some sort of three-headed dragon creature.
(Benjamin charges in after him, but Yori deftly moves out of the way, sending Benjamin crashing into the turnbuckles. As Benjamin stumbles backwards out of the corner, Yori grabs him and delivers a Blue Thunder Bomb.)
JC: Where the heck did Yori learn how to do that?
1…
2…
Benjamin kicks out.
ID: It doesn’t matter, because Yori has taken control of this match. Let’s see how he follows up this momentum swing.
(Yori does a little celebration dance.)
JC: Yori might want to keep the pressure on Benjamin, and minimize the pelvic thrusts. Benjamin said he wouldn’t suffer being made a fool of by these clowns in attendance.
(Yori signals for the YORI = AWESOME, but as he lifts Benjamin up, Benjamin grabs YYJ’s legs out from under him and begins raining punches down.)
JC: Benjamin was just playing possum and now Yori is the one in a world of trouble.
(Benjamin rudely jerks Yori to his feet and delivers a Death Valley Driver. He immediately goes for the pinfall)
1…
2…
(Yori kicks out. Non-plussed, Benjamin whips Yori off the ropes and hits him a vicious turning spinebuster, then flips him over and locks on an STF)
JC: Yori’s legendary pain threshold is going to be tested here.
ID: I hope those Quaaludes haven’t worn off yet.
(Apparently not, as Yori swims towards the ropes using, unsurprisingly, the breaststroke. He makes it and the ref forces Benjamin to break the hold.)
JC: The spirit is hopped up on mindbending drugs, but is the body able?
(Adam Benajmin takes measure of Yori.)
JC: Standing Shooting Star Press! What an impressive feat of athleticism from ‘Yours Truly’ Adam Benjamin.
(Benjamin stays on top for the pinfall, but Yori again manages to lift a shoulder before the ref’s hand slaps the canvas for a third time.)
JC: Benjamin looks like he is done playing around here. He’s setting Yori up for the Final Countdown.
ID: Even Yori’s incredibly thick skull may not save him here.
(Benjamin preps Yori for his version of the Canadian Destroyer, but as he flips over, Yori sits out and delivers a vicious version of YORI = AWESOME. The crowd starts a ‘Holy ****’ chant)
JC: Benjamin bounced a clear six inches off the canvas, and both men are out.
(The ref administers his count)
1…
2…
3…
(Yori pulls himself up by the ropes.)
4…
5…
(Yori is to his feet.)
ID: Yori collapses on top of Benjamin for the cover. This could be it, Chapel.
1…
2…
JC: No! Benjamin drapes his bottom leg over the rope. What ring awareness!
ID: I don’t even know if Benjamin is aware of what continent he is on.
(Yori primes Benjamin for another YORI = AWESOME. Instinctively, Benjamin slides out behind Yori and hooks in a Rear Naked Choke.)
JC: Benjamin has the hooks in, and he has locked his legs around Yori’s leg. The Excellence of Sexecution is in deep trouble.
(Yori drops to one knee.)
ID: Next stop for Yori, a pleasant, Quaalude tinged dreamland.
(The ref checks on Yori. His hand drops once…than twice.)
JC: We are one step away from Benjamin versus Tremendous for the CSWA World Unified Title.
(Yori’s hand stops halfway down and immediately is jerked up, thumb first, into Benjamin’s eye.)
ID: Ouchie
(A second thumb to the eye and Benjamin quickly breaks the choke. Yori spins around and hits a huricanrana, snapping Benjamin over onto his back in one fluid motion. Yori hooks both his back legs and adds some thrusting for good measure.)
1…
2…
JC: Benjamin has just enough left in him to kick out.
ID: Both men are starting to feel the effects of their long battles.
(Yori is up first, but Benjamin catches him with a flurry of elbows, the last of which knocks Yori down to the canvas. Yori gathers himself to one knee quickly, but that puts him in perfect position for Benjamin’s signature Shining Wizard.)
JC: Benjamin off the ropes…NO! Yori caught him in midair. Inverted Atomic Drop! Eye Poke!
(Under the pretense of fixing a shoelace, Yori goes into his boot, from where he produces the tiny, travel size Yori Brand Tingler [3”] out of the ref’s line of vision)
ID: Always resourceful that Yori.
JC: Come on, not like this.
(Yori takes a mighty swing, but Benjamin has the wherewithal to duck. He grabs Yori by the throat.)
JC: Yori is gonna go for a ride!
(Benjamin lifts Yori into the air, but Yori brings the dildo-loaded fist down across the Brit’s skull. Benjamin drops Yori and clutches at his skull. A dildo-loaded Axe bomber puts Benjamin down on the canvas, a trickle of blood forming on his forehead. Yori slips the dildo into his pants and procures a jackknife hold [with thrusting])
1…
2…
JC: Dear God, this cannot be happening
3!
MD: Here is your winnuh... Yori Yakamo... JUUUNNNIORRRR!!
ID: Yori did it. He defeated Benjamin against the odds. He will be facing Professor Tremendous for the CSWA World Unified Title!
JC: Someone, somewhere, probably considers this a dream match of some sorts. Hopefully, that person is locked up for the good of society. Benjamin gave a mighty effort, but even he could not overcome the dastardly dildos of Yori Yakamo, jr. Duke, remind me to fire the entire officiating crew tomorrow morning for letting this travesty continue.
(Tremendous gobbles the last of his fried dough, and wearily rolls into the ring.)
JC: The Professor does not look too happy at the prospect of having to defend his title.
ID: But he is standing on fresh legs, whereas Yori is not.
(Yori is slumped over in the corner, drinking some water. Smitty frantically searches through her pockets, but finds only empty baggies.)
JC: Uh-oh looks like Yori’s supply of magic beans has just about run out.
(Professor drags Yori into the center of the ring, without much resistance. He covers him)
1…
PA: Last call for beer and alcohol at the arena’s bar and concession stands.
2…
YORI: ALCOHOL!
(Yori kicks out.)
JC: Where does Yori find the strength to continue?
(Yori rolls out of the ring and tries to flag down a beer vendor. Professor is out behind him and spins Yori to face him.)
YORI: Wait your turn in line!
JC: I think Yori is delirious.
(Yori cracks Professor with a knee to the head. The beer vendor comes forward, producing a bottle of Budweiser)
VENDOR: That will be four dollars.
YORI: How much more to add Quaaludes?
VENDOR: We don’t sell Quaaludes.
YORI: Awww nuts.
(Yori produces a money clip from inside his pants, but before he can pay for the beer the crippled, kleptomaniac, Team T Midget nabs his cash.)
YORI: Hey come back with that.
(The midget runs under the ring, and Yori crawls in after to follow him. Professor grabs him by the ankle and tries to drag YYJ back out to ringside, but only manages in removing his boot. Some flash paper, a fork, and a baggie of baby powder fall out. Professor casually pockets the powder. A few moments later, Yori emerges on the other side with the midget tugging on his ears while grafted to YYJ’s face.)
JC: That was...not unpredictable.
(Yori rolls into the ring with the midget still attached. Professor German suplexes both of them and adds a bridge [no thrusting])
1…
2…
3!
JC: The Professor has done it! He has defended his title.
ID: Wait a minute, Chapel. Do you notice anything different about Yori?
(‘Yori’ lays in the center of the ring with two boots and one eyepatch, while Professor celebrates.)
JC: That’s not Yori; it’s his twin brother Riki. He must have been hiding under the ring this entire time.
(The real Yori pops out from under the ring and sneaks a schoolboy roll-up from behind on the Professor. A confused referee just shrugs his shoulders and counts again.)
1…
2…
JC: Tremendous kicks out with a half second to spare. He was almost bamboozled out of his title.
(Yori drags Riki to his feet and the two of them lay in the boots to the Professor.)
ID: Where is Team T to help out their boss?
(Angleholic Anonymous and Tuss lay in an exhausted heap outside the ring. Tyrone repeatedly dials the number to vote for Supernova’s new lead singer. Allworld chows down on the last of the fried dough.)
JC: Well the midget hasn’t given up yet, as he has grabbed onto Yori’s leg and is biting his shin.
(A startled Yori does his best to pry the midget from his leg, while Professor turns the tide against the even more incompetent Riki. He tosses him from the ring and turns his attention to Yori. Yori acts quickly. He kicks the midget at Professor Tremndous. The Professor catches it in front of his face, and Yori levels both with a spinning heel kick.)
ID: VAN MIDGETNATOR!
(The midget and Tremendous fall in a heap. Yori pins both for good measure.)
1…
2…
(The Professor and the midget kick out.)
JC: Yori needs to end this quickly.
(Yori calls for Riki, now cowering in the corner. He lifts Professor up on his shoulders and signals for his twin brother to head up to the top rope. Riki gingerly makes the trip with some prodding from Smitty.)
JC: This could be the end for Professor Tremendous. It looks like he was beaten at his own game.
ID: Wait a minute Chapel, some masked figure just jumped the barricade. And he just crotched Riki on the top turnbuckle!
JC: If I remember my MBE history correctly, that is Mr. Outstanding!
(Yori drops Professor but can’t react in time to stop a flying forearm from Mr. O!)
JC: And that is the Loaded Thunder from Professor Tremendous’s ex-tag partner.
(Mr. O! dumps Riki outside the ring as Professor crawls over for the cover.)
1…
2…
3!
JC: It’s over! Thank God it is over!
MD: Here is your winnah... an' still non-recognized quasi-CSWA UNIFIED Champion... Professuh... TREMENNNNNDOUSSSSSSS!!
ID: An amazing title defense for the good Professor.
JC: Folks, if you are still watching, we have a great match coming up next for the Champion of Champions title. I swear.
