TEAM Super Show I: The "CSWA UNIFIED" Championship Team Tremendous Gauntlet

[TH]

Promo Deadline: Wednesday, July 12th, 11:59:59 PM

HOW THE MATCH WORKS!: All three competitors will RP in this thread. A winner will be chosen from the RPs in total even though the writeup will include some other stock characters.

Adam Benjamin vs. The Team T Midget, Angleholic Anonymous, Tuss, Tyrone the Tidy Giant and Allworld
Yori Yakamo Jr. vs. The Team T Midget, Angleholic Anonymous, Tuss, Tyrone the Tidy Giant and Allworld

If both men get past the gauntlet, they'll face each other. Winner of that match...

Adam Benjamin/Yori Yakamo, Jr. vs. Professor Tremendous (quasi-c)

This match needs no further description

 

[Yori Yakamo jr]

A very large trophy case

"Did you finish tidying up my trophy case?"

"Yeah, I made room next to the Golden Dildo, and two-fifths of the PbPro Quintuple Crown Title."

"Excellent."

"Are you ever going to tell your father in law that you 'borrowed' those belts."

"As soon as I tell the family court judge that I am not a mute with amputated hands who is unable to work."

"I see."

INT. CASA DE YORI- DAY

(Yori, Riki and Smitty are making the final travel arrangements for their trip to the U.S.)

YORI: YORI BRAND Black Thunder 11"

RIKI: Check

YORI: YORI BRAND Special Edition 7"

SMITTY: Check

YORI: ...the....YOR-ABBIT?

SMITTY: We are not taking the YOR-ABBIT to America. You are already on several watch lists.

YORI: You expose yourself to one Division II Girl's Field Hockey team....ACCIDENTLY, mind you.

SMITTY: Those security guards sure were upset.

YORI: Look, they were gonna set off the metal detectors anyway, so I just walked through one secuirty checkpoint without my pants on. It saves everybody time. It's not like I'm packing a weapon in my leopard print bikini style briefs. Unless you count the LIGHT OF YORIOLOGY. Which is a registered weapon in several municipalities.

RIKI: Guns don't have questionable relationships with underage Thai hookers, People do.

YORI: No one asked you pirate boy. You are only coming along to distract customs. And transport all those condoms filled with qualludes.

RIKI: My stomach hurts.

SMIITY: You aren't going to have to go door to door to.....prosletyze about YORIOLOGY.

YORI: No, but I will have to explain that whole Thai hooker thing to the community. She was a hell of a trrombone player.

SMITTY: That's an easy joke, even for you, Yori.

YORI: Well I am facing Team Tremendous, master of the bad pun and obvious sexual innuendo. While the Good Professor was threatening to unleash his dreaded 'spunky face.' I was high on qualludes rubbing my crotch in the face of complete strangers. Or at least completely strange transvestite nude dancers. Professor Tremendous is the kind of guy you bring home to mother to annoy father.

You bring Yori home to mother and he sells your father a complete line of sex toys and has a threesome with your best friend and sister that he tapes for YORIFILM.com. Now with 200% more Thai Hooker content.

Professor T and his team of giants, midgets, luchadors and silver medalists is a quaint relic of a time when parent's groups protestedNYPD Blue for being too raunchy.

SMITTY: I loved that show.

YORI: Amy Brenneman's bare ass helped make me a man, that and my piano teacher.

RIKI: You slept with Yamakawa-san?

YORI: Hey, some of us didn't have the entire student body thinking we were gay after our soft shoe number in our high school's production of Pippin.

And now you have distracted me, way to go, dingus.

Anyway, the point is, Team T is the past, Yoriology and his Thai Hooker Marching Band is the future.

Speaking of which, we should charter a jet so we can get the hookers to play me down to ringside. This is a big day for Yori Yakamo, jr. A day where I add one of the most prestigious and honored world titles to my collection. Or so I've been told. All I know, is that it is gold and can be melted down to pay for things. Like chartered jets for nude thai hookers. Or gold fillings, for the teeth of nude thai hookers.

SMITTY: You know, if you would just provide a balanced diet for the hookers.

YORI: Smitty, Thai hookers don't need people food. Come on now.

And pack the YOR-ABBIT already.

 

[MrWest]

Re: TEAM Super Show I: The "CSWA UNIFIED" Championship Team Tremendous Gauntlet

(Condo Tremendous: Professor Tremendous reclines in his oversized hot tub, apparently nude below the waterline except for the CSWA Unified World Title Belt that he wears around his waste. A somewhat chubby, sloppily dressed man in a "FATSEXY ROXOR!" T-Shirt enters the scene.)

TUSS: Excuse me, Professor.

PROF: Yes, minion.

TUSS: Umm...Minion quit the school last year after the whole Japanese Schoolgirl incident.

PROF: Oh, sorry about that. Yes, slug.

TUSS: Slug left with Minion. I'm Tuss.

PROF: Regardless; why is it that you interrupt The Good Professor's bath?

TUSS: Well, first off, you've been in here for four day. And the guys on the Team were getting worried.

PROF: What? You know I have dry skin.

TUSS: And secondly. Tyrone just finished backing all the bags and we were figuring we should probably head out soon.

PROF: Head out where?

TUSS: To the TEAM Super Show. Remember you issued a Challenge to defend your new belt there?

PROF: Yeah, sure I remember. But no one accepted the challenge.

TUSS: Actually, two people did.

PROF: Of course they did. But no way is The Tremendous One going to show up first for any match.

TUSS: Actually, Yori Yakamo arrived days ago.

PROF: Who's that? Is that a wrestler?

TUSS: It's one of the guys that accept your Challenge?

PROF: Never heard of him.

TUSS: Actually, you probably should have. I think he was in MBE at the same time you were.

PROF: Maybe I was out that day.

TUSS (trying to assist Prof's memory): His brother is Hida Yakamo?

PROF: Got me on that one too.

TUSS: The two time MBE World Champion Hida Yakamo...

PROF: Still not ringing a bell.

TUSS: The Asian Wonder, Hida Yakamo...

PROF: Oh yeah, I think maybe I can picture him. Asian guy?

TUSS: Yes, that's him.

PROF: Dressed in girly clothes? Called himself the High Fashion Samurai? I think he might have been gay.

TUSS: Actually, I think you're thinking of Waya Zahn there.

PROF: What? That's a different guy?

TUSS: Afraid so.

PROF: So get me any tapes on this Hida Yakamo guy I can find.

TUSS: Tapes on Hida?

PROF: That's what I said.

TUSS: Sure. Do you mind if I ask why though?

PROF: Just incase you mutts blow the very simple duty I have set before you and I end up having to face him this week.

TUSS: Oh, there is no chance that you'll have to face Hida Yakamo this week.

PROF: Good to hear. That's the type of confidence I like to hear from one of my Teamers.

TUSS: Not really. It's more because Hida Yakamo never accepted your Challenge.

PROF: The why are we having this whole conversation, slug.

TUSS: Because his brother Yori did.

PROF: Oh.

TUSS: And I am not Slug. I am Tuss.

PROF: Whatever. But enough of these crazy Yakamo twins. What can you tell me about my other potential foe for this week?

TUSS: Adam Benjamin?

PROF: Yeah, I want to know everything. From his favorite flavor of soda to what brand of condom it was that failed when his mother got knocked up with him.

TUSS: Actually Professor, it appears that Mr. Benjamin may be even more delayed that you are.

PROF: And your point.

TUSS: Do you really want me to waste you valuable time giving you the scouting report on a guy that might not ever even make it to the arena?

PROF: Good point.

TUSS: I do have a binder of stuff on Yakamo though. If you want it.

PROF: No need. I think I remember all I need to about the so-called Asian Wonder. Now, go tell the Giant to fetch me one of the fluffy towels and then send the midget over to my room with a whole crapload of moisturizing cream and those magic fingers of his because daddy needs to get ready for his potential non-matches* at the Super Show this week.

TUSS: Will do.

PROF: Also, could you tell the driver to pull the Hummer around? This is one Team T Gauntlet Match that the CSWA Unified World Champion plans to arrive at in style.

TUSS: Actually the Hummer Driver is still not back from the mall with you hairspray yet?

PROF: Damn. Well do we still have that old rusty rickshaw in the storage area?

TUSS: I think so.

PROF: Well, have the masked guy and the silver medal guy hook the goat up to that and it'll have to do.

TUSS: Certainly.

PROF: Then you go get the bags packed.

TUSS: Bags are actually already packed, sir.

PROF: Egggsellent. I just love it when a plan comes together.

(The Professor raises his water-wrinkled form up out of the tub. Luckily, the CSWA belt drops in just the right spot to keep this segment legal by FAA standards.)

TUSS: Yeah, me too.

PROF: Do you know you say actually a lot?

TUSS: Yes, sir. I actually do know that

FTB

 

[Adam_Benjamin]

Re: TEAM Super Show I: The "CSWA UNIFIED" Championship Team Tremendous Gauntlet

(Fade into "Yours Truly" Adam Benjamin sitting inside his gym watching both his opponents interviews. Slowly he turns the TV set off. Seen next to Adam are both the EPW TV title and the UCW US title.)

Benjamin:

"First off let me take the time to personally send a special "Hello Mates" out to all my loyal subjects who are tuning in to watch "Yours Truly".

I would also like to take the time to introduce myself to my two opponents this week in the Team Super Show.

My name is "Yours Truly" Adam Benjamin. I was born in the United Kingdom. I am currently the proud owner of both the EPW TV title and the UCW US champion.

That basically is the gist of who I am. However if you wish to know more I suggest you purchase "ENN's Shoot interviews presents "Yours Truly" Adam Benjamin.

(Adam hold up a DVD with a smile)

"Now as I watched both of my opponents interviews I noticed a theme of comedy. Now I am always up for a good laugh. However this is professional wrestling, not a comedy club.

This week both of you are stepping into the ring with the New Age technician. I am not wrestling at the Team Super show for a round of laughs.

No, what you will get from "Yours Truly" is simply the stiffest, most technical style in pro wrestling today. I take this sport very seriously and find nothing funny about what goes on inside that ring.

Wrestling is my life. I wake up proud ever single day at what I do for a living. I get paid to inflict pain, torture, and agony, and I love it!

(Adam gives a serious look deep into the camera)

"That’s right I have not taken the light road to get to this point in my career. I train every day to make sure that when I go to bed at night I am better than I was when I opened my eyes that morning.

I have work hard, I have devoted my life to wrestling, and frankly I would not change it for the world. My goal from the beginning has to be the single most dominant wrestling in the business today.

And slowly I am making my claim stronger and stronger. And that claim continues against both of my opponents this week.

Next to me are two championship titles. Both belts are real. They are not some fictional belt made up to stroke a intellectual ego.

No they are truth that hard work and sacrifice can pay off. The represent my passion, my pride, and my honor for wrestling.

I promise both of you on the queen, that my devotion, determination, and dedication will in fact slap the smiles of both of your faces if your try any Tom's foolery with Yours Truly"

(Adam balls his fist in his hand.)

"Many wrestlers have stepped into the ring with me and tried to down play my ability. Many of them were so called funny men like both of you guys.

In the end I stood proud as they laid in there own glow of failure. You guys can bring all the jokes and tricks I am going to bring the wrestling.

I hold the keys to destiny this week. I can and will clear any obstacle placed in front of me.

And when the final bell sounds I will give you one word that can explain the outcome.

Reality!

Reality is the name you both can give your inner disappointments when the dusts settles.

I am going to pound both of you, Then I am going to ground both of you, and inevitably I am either going to tap one of you out of the referee with personally count you out.

Take a long look as this camera fades, shake as you lay preparing to sleep. But soon enough "Yours Truly" Adam Benjamin will be standing inside the ring waiting to hurt you.

(Fade to black)

 

[Yori Yakamo jr]

That was a Long Flight

"I can't believe they made us pay for the airline peanuts"

"I'm sorry we had to use a discount airline, but we had a full Thai Hooker marching band to ship."

"Really, I didn't see them on the plane."

"I used UPS."

"Good lord."

"Apparently Brown can do a lot for me. Like airmail Thai Hookers."

INT. PHILADELPHJIA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT- DAY

(Yori sits outside one of the men's rooms, reading a National Geographic.)

YORI: Are you done in there yet?

RIKI: (From inside the bathroom): These things take time.

YORI: You're the worst drug mule ever. I need a fix here, bro. I got so bored on the airplane I started reading this complementary National Geogrpahic. FOR THE ARTICLES. National Geographic's should only be used for staring at naked foreign chicks. Though I am now concerned about Global Warming. And know way too much about giraffes.

(Smitty enters the scene)

SMITTY: Yori we have a problem.

YORI: Yes we do. The polar ice caps are MELTING. Do you know what that means?

SMITTY: I don't know. An increased market for underwater scuba porn?

YORI: No... wait....YES! I'll get on it as soon as we get back.

SMITTY: Well before then, we have a problem with customs.

YORI: Did you know that giraffes have no vocal chords?

SMITTY: Are you listening to me?

YORI: Giraffes can reach a top ground speed of 35 miles per hour.

SMITTY: Oh no, you're still sober. RIKI!

RIKI: I'm working on it.

SMITTY: Yori, listen to me, customs is holding our packages.

YORI: The thai hookers? Since when is it illegal to ship nude hookers into the U.S? It's not some human rights violation is it? I left trail mix in the boxes so they could eat.

SMITTY: It's not. It is, however, illegal to pack their tubas full of opium.

YORI: Dammit. Get the bribe money.

SMITTY: Also, Professor T and Benjamin left some comments for you.

YORI: I checked the Yoriology message board an hour ago.

SMITTY: Um, I don't think they frequent that board.

YORI: I thought I say Professor T make a post asking for the locations of any Tijuana donkey shows in Northern New England.

SMITTY: Uhhhh

YORI: Anyway, just give me the gist.

SMITTY: Professor T thinks you're your brother.

YORI: He thinks I'm Riki? Good he'll be underestimating me.

SMITTY: No, Hida.

YORI: Aw, ****. What about Benji?

SMITTY: Sounds like he you have offended his honor and he is challenging you to some sort of duel with pistols or something. I don't know if I can parse the language though. Perhaps he has time travelled from the past as well, as he sounds like he should be discussing politics with Aaron Burr while sipping absinthe.

YORI: Wait, what?

SMITTY: Nevermind, he is worried you are going to make fun of his wrestling ability.

YORI: I don't even know him. I do know that I have all the artillery I need right here in my trousers.

SMITTY: Oh no.

YORI: Let me show you.

SMITTY: This is gonna be like the nun incident all over again.

(YORI whips out his STEEL PLATED BOOK OF YORIOLOGY)

SMITTY: Phew.

YORI: See. THIS IS WHERE THE POWER LIES!

(Yori opens to pages 124-125 where there is a fully diagrammed and beautifully rendered Rennaisance style bas relief of his penis. (1/3 scale))

YORI: The Light of Yoriology!

SMITTY: Well, I suppose it could have been worse.

YORI: And it will be...FOR TEAM TREMENDOUS. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA...HA....Ha....ha.... Damn it Riki, don't make me go in rectally.

(Riki hands a small baggie of qualludes out the door)

YORI: Awwwwwwesome.

(YORI pops some magic Yori beans)

SMITTY: So we'll see you in like three days, covered in mud and proclaiming youself King of Neptune.

YORI: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN. Until then, FREE MY HOOKERS AND OPIUM.

SMITTY: I'll get on it.

YORI: AMERICA, LET MY PEOPLE (AND DRUGS) GO! AND GIVE ME YOUR BELTS!

SMITTY: And so it begins.

 

[MrWest]

Re: TEAM Super Show I: The "CSWA UNIFIED" Championship Team Tremendous Gauntlet

(Condo Tremendous - The Team T Training Room: a fully nude Professor Tremendous lies face down on the message table. A clothed, yet utter disgusted looking midget sits on the Prof's backside rubbing lotion on his shoulders. The door opens and Tuss enters.)

TUSS: So you ready for that scouting report on Adam Benjamin now, Professor.

PROF: HOW DARE YOU INTERUPT MY RUB DOWN, PEON!!!

TUSS: Um....Peon declined your invitation to join the Team. I'm Tuss. But anyway, Tyrone told me that you were demanding that I rush right up here with the scouting report stat. If it's a bad time, I can come back.

PROF: Nah. If I was demanding it, I must have had a reason. So go ahead and lay it on me.

TUSS: Okay. Let's see. He's English. He likes to work out at the gym. And apparently, he doesn't much care for comedy.

PROF: Smart man. Frankly I hate the silly crap myself as well. I mean, when was the last time you heard a good Knock-Knock joke? Heck, if I wanted lame comedy I would still be paying for us to get basic cable here at the Condo.

TUSS: I thought the reason we actually stopped paying for cable was because AA figured out a way to tap into Mr. Kieslowski’s satellite signal.

PROF: That too.

TUSS: To be honest, I think when Benjamin was referring to his dislike of comedy he was actually talking about it in the professional wrestling milieu.

PROF: Oh dude, I agree with him there too. Have you heard some of the stuff that those lamo Yakamo twins have been rolling out this week?

TUSS: You mean like the giraffe and scuba porn stuff?

PROF: Is that what they've been doing? Wow! That is pretty lame.

TUSS: Actually Professor, Adam Benjamin actually kind of paints you and Yori Yakamo with the same brush when it comes to the jokey stuff.

PROF: Hmmph. Well I guess it's true what they say about Adam Benjamin then.

TUSS: What's that?

PROF: That Adam Benjamin is to Painting as Michelangelo is to Motorcycle Racing on Ice.

TUSS: People really say that?

PROF: Yes, they do. I believe it was Gandhi first coined the phrase. Although, when he said it, he sounded more like that guy Dinesh down at the 7-11.

TUSS: Is that true?

PROF: Tremendously true.

TUSS: OIC. That still doesn't change the fact that Benjamin is promising in the queen's name to smack the smile off your face at the TEAM Super Show.

PROF: Yeah, I would like to see him try to do just that* (*after he makes his way through you, the Midget, Tyrone, All World and AA, and then defeats whatever Yakamo twin might be left and then runs a quarter marathon and down Big Gulp cups worth of Tobacco spit.) I mean, I have my doubts he can even make it too me. But if he does, I will have no problem with Honoring Rolling him post haste to prove my Tremendous seriousity in the ring and to defend my hard won CSWA Unified World Title Belt.

TUSS: And how about if Yori Yakamo is the one that makes it to you.

PROF: Well then I will hit him with The Final Exam and finish him off quicker that he can pack a hooker into a shipping crate.

TUSS: So you did see his last segment.

PROF: Yeppers. And all I have to say is that I sure hope he remembered to poke air holes in the packaging. I made that mistake once while sending a bunch of mail order brides in from Uzbekistan, and met me tell you - not a pretty sight. Good thing I used an alias.

TUSS: And I am sure Notamex will totally forgive you if he ever gets paroled.

PROF: Heck, I am sure he already has. At least until he runs out of those yummy hashish crullers Ty made for him again.

(And with that the midget rolls off the Professor and starts heading to the door.)

PROF: Hey! Where you going?

MIDGET: Goat cart leaves in 2 minutes. And I plan to be on it.

(The Midget completes his exit.)

PROF: Oh crud, two minute? That's not very much time, is it?

TUSS: It's about 120 seconds.

PROF: Well in that case we had better hurry. Mush mush.

(The Professor leaps up just as Tuss tosses a pretty magenta towel over to him. Prof catches it at about crotch level and quickly wraps the towel around his waist. He buckles on his CSWA Unified World Belt and heads out the door - ready for battle*.)

(* - ...if it should come to that.)

 

[Adam_Benjamin]

Re: TEAM Super Show I: The "CSWA UNIFIED" Championship Team Tremendous Gauntlet

(The worlds "Yours Truly" Adam Benjamin are seen. The song "Final Countdown" by Euro slowly plays as the screen turns black. the world Pride is shown.)

PRIDE

("Yours Truly" Adam Benjamin appears sitting on a chair)


"Pride is a powerful narcotic. It seems to simply take over your body. It controls you, it speaks to you.

It gets no satisfaction out of having something, only out of having more of it then the next man.

Personally my pride is my passion to perform at a level above everyone else. I look inside at my pride of who I am, what I have done, and what I am possible of doing in the future, and I get extremely motivated.


(the screen goes black, the the word Dedication flashes)

Dedication

("Yours Truly" Adam Benjamin appears sitting on a chair)


"Obsessed is just a word the lazy use to describe dedicated. When you begin to attempt to study "Yours Truly" Adam Benjamin before a match, the world dedication is a world that will stick out.

Dedication is the man that can drive himself further once the effort gets painful. It is the inner whispers you hear when the going gets tough.

It's that point in a match were you feel you have nothing left, then suddenly you get a second wind and dig deep and pull out the last move, that is dedication.

Its leaving your family, your friends, hell your country, all for the simply love of four corner of a wrestling ring.

Dedication simply put is what separates "Yours Truly" from everyone else.

(the screen goes black, the the word honor flashes)

honor

("Yours Truly" Adam Benjamin appears sitting on a chair)


"Honor, hell if I lost my honor, I think I would lose myself in general. I honor wrestling in my heart, And I carry it with me every were I go.

I am honored to lace my boots for the sport of wrestling. I am honored to go out and give my everything for the sport of wrestling.

I am honored to inflict bodily harm to other human beings for the sport of professional wrestling. And I am honored every single day I wake up as the EPW TV Champion and the UCW US Champion.

Its my honor that has always kept me clean and bright, for I know I am the window for which the world will view professional wrestling.


(the screen goes black, the the word excellence flashes)

excellence

("Yours Truly" Adam Benjamin appears sitting on a chair)


"We are what we repeatedly do. So to me excellence is not a performance it's simply a way of life.

At the point of walking through the curtain I hear the word excellence whispered in my head. I say it over and over as my music hits.

I try to perform at the level of excellence because that is who I am. I am man that has been granted a gift, and I take that gift and I enlighten all my loyal fans each and every match I am in.

(the screen goes black, the the word ground flashes)

ground

("Yours Truly" Adam Benjamin appears sitting on a chair)

"Ground, that is a term I like to use in reference to my attack in the ring. It is no secret that I am a former amateur star wrestler for my country of England.

My goal is to simply put ground my opponent from his feet down to the match. I do this very methodically, and find a sense of enjoyment when I achieve my goal.

One minute you are looking "Yours Truly" in the eyes, the next you are helpless to my mercy!


(the screen goes black, the the word Pound flashes)

Pound

("Yours Truly" Adam Benjamin appears sitting on a chair)

"Oh pound that is the infliction of pain I bring down on my opponent when I ground him.

Simply put when I take you down I am trying to beat you till you can not continue.

when you get into the ring with "Yours Truly" you will learn the world Pain when I pound your lights out.

I love pounding a guy with stiff elbows, or pounding on a leg as I set it up to be locked and taped out.

The only way out of my pounding attack is the mercy of the referee.


(the screen goes black, the the word Satisfaction flashes)

Satisfaction

("Yours Truly" Adam Benjamin appears sitting on a chair)

"Standing over a fallen opponent who took my lightly, that is satisfaction. Knowing that all my hard work, and determination and training has paid off, that is truly satisfaction.

Gripping both of my championship belts high in the air after there defenses that is truly satisfaction.

And the look on aw on the faces of the fan as I perform, that is satisfaction.


(The screen goes black, as "Yours Truly" Appears)

"Soon enough you will realize that this is not a joke gentleman. I am not wrestling for Team to be in some comedy match.

This week prepare to meet "Yours Truly" Adam Benjamin!

(Fade to black)

 

[MrWest]

Re: TEAM Super Show I: The "CSWA UNIFIED" Championship Team Tremendous Gauntlet

(The Back of a large stretch limousine: A now fully dressed {except for his bare feet} Professor Tremendous sits in the back of the limo along with Tyrone the Tidy Giant, The Olympic Silver Medalist Allword, The masked Angleholic Anonymous, the TeamT Midget ,and a goat. Tuss can be seen through the open divider window as he drives the vehicle towards its final destination.)[/B][/I]

PROF: I gotta say, this is a much classier mode of transportation that a goat cart. I am glad I thought of it.

GOAT: *MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!*

MIDGET: Oh he didn’t' mean it Twinkles. You have far more class that some silly car.

ALLWORLD: And besides, it was me that thought to borrow my cousin C's limo. Just like it is me that is going to get his knee caps busted if we don't get this thing back to him in time for him to pick Britney and the brat up in Newark tonight.

PROF: Just so long as he doesn't bust them before you and the Team have a chance to take out Yakamo and the English guy at the TEAM Super Show. To be honest, if I have to step in the ring tonight I'll probably end up heaving chunks all over the ring.

TYRONE: I told you that you probably shouldn't have had that fifth Extra Value Meal on the ride over here.

PROF: I know, I know. But they all look so good on the menu board. How can anyone choose?
(beat)
Okay, so does everyone know their role for the match tonight?

ANG ANON: I don't.

PROF: That's because you don't have a role. You're going to be on the scout team and help us all get prepared for the match right now during the ride over.

ANG ANON: Okay. Who do you want me to be first?

PROF: Start with Benji.

ANG ANON: Sure. Ahem. FORTITUDE!!!

(The Professor quickly gives hard slap right to Angleholic Anonymous' mouth. The masked Brother of the Jerichoholic falls stunned to the floor.)

PROF: Sorry. Your upper lip wasn't stiff enough there. That just won't do. Tuss, why don't you jump back here and take over for the Scout Team.

TUSS: But I am driving, sir.

PROF: Silver Medal guy, grab the wheel for Tuss.

(Allworld climbs through the limousines divider window and into the front of the vehicle. Without stopping the car, he and Tuss switch places and Tuss climbs into the back.)

PROF: All right, toady, let's put your extensive scouting of our foes to work.

TUSS: Toady got arrest with you pot in Bahrain, remember. I'm Tuss.

PROF: Whatever. Let’s get on with the scouting.

TUSS: Okay, so from what I gather Adam Benjamin is British. So we should expect a lot of European Uppercuts and running Bulldogs out of him.

PROF: That's good. That's good.

TUSS: And Yori Yakamo is Japanese, so I am thinking that he should probably show up with a fairly decent sashimi and maybe some warm saki as well.

PROF: So wait! You mean to tell be that I may be facing a Limey and a guy from Asia? (Dangit - I can never think of a clever derogatory term for those slanty-eyed, seaweed eating, mother humpers from the East.)

TUSS: Yeah, like I was saying Benjamin is from England and Yakamo is from Japan....

PROF: So you are honestly telling me that I don't even have to potentially face an American to defend my CSWA Unified World Title tonight?

TUSS: Yes, that is true.

PROF: Well that changes everything. This is going to be even more of a cakewalk that I anticipated. Heck, get Chapel on the phone and tell him if he wants to toss a Mexican or a Samoan or something into the match before bell time just to make it interesting that he is more than welcome to do so.

(Tuss pulls out his cell phone)

TUSS: I'll get right on that.

PROF: And speaking of Mexican - Driver, lets turn this jalopy around and get over to Taco Bell. The Good Professor has a hankering for a Crunchy Gordito or twelve.

 

[Hida Yakamo]

Who is Yori Yakammo, jr?

"All right, we have a workable version."

"What happened to version 1, or as I like to dub it, the awesome version?"

"Apparently it violated several dozen FCC regulations, international copyright laws, several tenants of every major religion (except Yoriology), and even the vaguest notions of human decency."

"Nuts."

(Stirring music straight out of The Wide World of Sports plays as we see images of flowers blooming, bustling human cities, kids playing on the playground, and finally Yori sitting on some sort of giant throne, with a dildo-themed design.)

WHO IS YORI YAKAMO, JR?

(Yori sits in a smoking jacket, pondering things.)

(Yori does the hustle in a multi-colored discoteque with the giant green rabbit.)

SEXCELLENCE

(A shot of Yori's Sex Toy Designer of the Year awards from 2003, 2004, and 2005.)

(Yori grinds his way to ringside in his electric yellow fur coat and assless leather chaps.)

(Yori smashes various foes in the head with dildos, Steel-plated copies of Yoriology, Thai Hookers, steel chairs, Smitty's stilleto heels)

CREATIVITY

(Yori conducts the Thai Hooker marching band in a stirring rendition of Joseph Hyden's Surprise Symphony, #94)

(A montage ot Yakamo style groin attacks, from various, some seemingly impossible angles.)

(Yori works hard on a lathe, sculpting his latest dildo design. the YORIDENT 8" dual forked dildo.)

(Yori works on a cut of his first foray into Underwater Scuba Porn. Admiral Atlantis and his Anal Adventures.)


PATRIOT

(Yori fights off a mob of angry apes in a futuristic post-apocalyptic world, with a little help from Mike Randalls)

(Yori speaks out against anti-obscenity laws in front of the Japanese diet, wearing nothing but a thong with a japanese flag design)

ATHLETE

(Yori outruns an angry mob, in said thong.)

(Yori does a split to avoid a kick and then bites his opponent on the thigh)

(Yori does a cartwheel, followed by a back flip, followed by a punch to the jimmies)

INCREDIBLY WELL-ENDOWED

YORI: Okay, so this part didn't quite make it pass the censors. BUT LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT BLACK BAR.

AWESOMOSITY

(Yori leaps across fifty Thai hookers laid next to each other on a motorcycle)

(Yori streaks across the field during a Japanese Soccer match, wearing only a Burger King Crown, andhigh on ludes)

(Yori rides a yak through the streets metro Tokyo, mud covering his naughty bits, and high on ludes)

(Yori flies off the cage at HULK-A-THON, with an assist from Powermaster, and probably high on ludes)

CHAMPION

(Yori wins the MBE Unified title, through chicanery, shenanigans, and groin shots)

(Yori breaks into the PbPro offices and steals 2/5ths of the PbPro Quintuple Crown title before being chased off by guard dogs.)

(Yori wins the Rippongi Fair Pie Eating contest through chicanery shenanigans and groin shots)

YORI = AWESOME

(fade to black)

(c) Yorifilm.com 2006