TEAM Super Show I: Parking Lot Brawl: Dan Ryan vs. IrishRed

[TH]

Promo Deadline: Wednesday, July 12th, 11:59:59 PM

Lots of bad blood here, as the Ego Buster and Baddest Man in South Dakota renew acquaintances in a no-holds barred setting. If you thought their MBE Cup Final was brutal, wait until you get a load of this match.

 

[irishred]

Irishred is seen sprawled across the hood of a 1970 Chevy Camaro, his back against the windshield. He is holding a tire iron.

Danny boy...come out and play-ayyyyyyyyyyyy!

Much like VH-1 I truly love the 80's. You and I in a parking lot Brawl. Dan Ryan the ultimate fan favorite, the Internet darling, the legend, the myth, the man, the fascist, the ego, the ego-buster, the holder of many belts, the owner of EPW, the man who holds back talent, the true love of Joey Melton, the missing link, the new father, the roller coaster aficionado, the Texas Icon...

Breath

Did I miss anything Danny?

Against Irishred. You know...that one guy from South Dakota. The hick, the rube, the dude that had a Loverboy hair-do, the former addict, the pain in the ass of authority, the itch you can't quite reach, the one who doesn't care, the sh** stirrer, the angry at anything just to be angry former leader of the Midwest Mafia...the ultimate underdog.

If my memory is correct and it may not be, I did burn a ton of braincells with that vicodin and cocaine, but I do believe we are one to one in our wrestling career. Are we not?

MBE finals, UCW match...one to one. Nothing proven, nothing lost, nothing gained...just a stalemate.

We could have left it like that forever and just continued to talk smack to and at each other; but we're not men of that ilk are we Danny?

No...the ego's in this match are matched only by the capacity for violence. I seem to offend your sensibilities when it comes to wrestling and life. You most certainly represent everything I think is wrong with the business so here we are. Here we sit prepared to do battle at your bidding.

Remember that...you requested this match. Little old insignificant me, who wasn't worth your time not even a year ago has gotten so far under your skin that you called me out.

Well that's not the Dan Ryan you would like to portray to the masses now is it Danny? I mean you are supposed to be above all of this aren't you?

Maybe not though...maybe the world will learn what I have known all along. You are nothing more then a scared little boy hiding in the body of a professional wrestler needing validation even now. Needing to prove to yourself above all others that you are better then me. That you still have it. That you can and will defend your pride and legacy.

Hell Dan...I don't care about any of that. I just care about beating you bloody. I don't even think I'll pin you. I think I'll just beat on you until you can't get up and just walk away. I think I'll leave you with that little piece of humiliation.

That more then anything will truly bust your ego.

You wanted this Dan...I want you to remember that. I want you to explain that to your wife and child. I want you to understand that as you watch your life crumble and your status drop.

You asked for all of this.

The camera fades on the smart ass grin of Irishred.

 

[DBrunkGXW]

FADE IN....

Dan Ryan stands mid-street in an almost old West setting, a little town somewhere that just happens to be the home of one IrishRed, none other than Yankton, South Dakota. Dan is in town for the atmosphere, the culture and indeed the culinary excellence that only a Yanktonian can know. In short...

Food, folks and Fun.

Ryan is in normal local garb, that being an oversized pink flourescent headband and a t-shirt that says 'The Kid is Hot Tonite!!' on the front and 'Loverboy World Tour 1983' on the back signed by lead singer Mike Reno.

Ryan looks down at his Yankton visitor's guide and walks down this dusty road, as echoes of the theme from The Good, The Bad, And (in IrishRed's case specifically) The Ugly comes to mind.

Ryan: "Let's see here. So much to do and so little time to do it. Let's see, there's the Farmer's Market over in the Yankton mall parking lot, the Yankton County Horse Show tomorrow where I assume IrishRed's mother will be ridden one more time for old time's sake, hmm...."

"WAIT JUST A SECOND? THE MOTHERF**KING CARTWRIGHT BROTHERS ARE LIVE AT THE WATERFRONT GRILL AND AQUA CLUB TONIGHT???"

"I can't believe this!! I'm a big fan from way way back and they're right here LIVE IN YANKTON?? ****, this berg is big time."

"I gotta call Alaina and make sure she gets us some up close ticket. F**k yeah, the Cartwrights. I freakin' LOVE Bonanza."

Ryan comes up on a Dairy Queen, conspicuous by the large group of old men out front playing checkers. Ryan walks up...

Ryan: "Excuse me fellas, can I ask you a few questions?"

Old Man at the checkers table: "Shane, is that you?"

Ryan: "Err uh....no. But it's funny you bring him up, because I meant to ask a few questions about him."

Old Man: "Damn son, I'd say you were the spitting image aside from being bigger and having hair."

Ryan: "Right. I was wondering, where the man known as IrishRed came from. What were his influences and what made him the uh...man...we know today?"

Old Man: "Well, I can't say as I know much about all that - but you tell that sum***** that if he thinks I'm gonna forget that I just got kinged when he stepped out on our game, he's got another thing comin'!"

Ryan: "Will do, sir. Will do. Tell ya what, I think I'll go inside and have a bite to eat. Thanks for your time."

Old Man: (As Ryan goes through the door and with a raised pointed finger) "Tell him Elizabeth misses him at bingo night!!!"

Ryan: (To himself) "Yikes..."

Ryan walks in and up to the counter.

Ryan: "Excuse me, I understand IrishRed used to frequent this place quite often."

A teenage kid responds, who can't seem to close his mouth all the way even when not speaking...

Kid: "Well, he hasn't been in for his Hungr-Buster in quite some time, but yeah he used to come in here plumb near every day."

Ryan: "Excellent. I'm looking for some insight to the man. How well did you know him?"

Kid: "Are you a fan or somethin' dressed like that? He was always wearin' that stuff but we just figgered he was gay or something."

Ryan: (Ryan leans in and talks in a hushed voice) "Ya know kid, some of us in the back have been thinking that as well. I've got fifty big ones that says he's working the counter at Jeffrey's in New York within the year."

Kid: "Where?"

Ryan: (straightening up) "Nevermind. I'll just be on my way, kid. I do thank you for your time."

The kid just stares, his mouth open attracting flies. He doesn't seem to care...

Ryan exits the Dairy Queen and continues on down the main street area...

Ryan: "Now let's see here. It seems I'm too early for most of the excitement. Turns out there's a Yankton Singles Social Dance tonight. But then, I'm not single so that's out. No Cotton Eyed Joe for me. Dammit right here....Smoke & Fire on Third Street - Let's Talk Turkey, Preparing in a Turkey Cannon and Ultimate Turkey Roaster Combo demonstration at the Summer Market Festival ....and it's NEXT week. Son of a *****. The Lewis & Clark slide show is next week too??? Damn. Ah well."

Ryan comes to a nice bench along the thoroughfare....who are we kidding, it's a glorified dirt road with paint on asphalt....and sits....

Ryan: "Well ya know, Red I'm impressed. I do enjoy this simple life culture. The draw of the weekly bingo night, the weekly cooking demonstrations out under the stars. Roasting pigs and other random animals hit on the outlying roads and eating them with your family while sipping on some lemonade and kissing your sister. It's good family fun."

"I gotta say, it really helps me know where you came from bro. It really does."

"It doesn't really make me understand your promos any more than I ever did but then that's normal for you. I'm sure you were the valedictorian at Yankton High School, and I'm positive that you were voted the snazziest dresser."

"But let's get down to brass tacks, chief. I hold people down? You're joking right? I, who have made more stars than Phil Spector and Quincy Jones combined am a man who holds people down? What's your backup on that, Red? Beast? Are you still beating that old tired horse? From what I can tell, all of the things I put Beast through only made him more of a man. I gave him his first shot at a World Title run and after being done with him, he went to grab his second. If that's holding a man back, then I guess you need someone to hold you back as well because the closest you've come to defending a major World Title is when you almost one the three legged man race at the Yankton fair last year. Don't even bring up UCW. Defending against The First ten times doesn't really count."

"If I represent everything that's wrong in this business, Red - then everything that's wrong with this business includes: being the first company to give a female a chance at a World Championship. And by the way, have you noticed how the world has lined up to give Lindsay Troy her due since I did it first? No one had the balls to let her do her thing until I did it, and now it's the in thing and I'm sure as hell proud of that fact."

"Everything that's wrong in this business also means grooming young stars like Karl Brown and Adam Benjamin in Empire Pro - two guys who hold belts in my company. Mike Evers, Foxx, and so on and so on and so on."

"It includes taking part in worthwhile start ups like UCW, in TEAM, in this card right now. It means GIVING BACK, RED. What the hell have you done to give back ever? Hmm? Name one worthwhile thing you've done outside the ring. You can't, because there's nothing. Volunteering to cook weenies at the Yankton High School Fundraiser doesn't count."

"That's the thing about you, Red. You run your mouth for the sake of running your mouth because you think there won't be anyone there to check you. Well guess what? I'm the one to check that **** right now, Red."

"Damn right I'm calling you out, Red - because you're such a ***** that you can't get your tired broke ass in the ring for ten minutes to face me like a man. I'll beat you like a red headed stepchild, which as it turns out you once were."

"I don't have to prove myself to the likes of you. I'm just gonna shut your ass up. Simple as that."

"I don't need favors from you. All you have to do is be a man. Maybe if you hadn't spent fifteen years trying to make quilts and playing checkers at the Dairy Queen, and then the next five trying to drag your cousin into a bankable career, you'd know how to be a ****ing man."

"You like to fight?"

"Let's fight."

FADE OUT....​

 

[irishred]

Everybody's working for the weekend...

Irishred wanders a random parking garage at a random hospital in the Houston Metro area. Or is it random?

Hello!

His voice echo's in the building.

hello, hello, hello, hello...

The emptiness and hollowness of this place reminds me of something. Hmm. What could it be?

Oh I know what it is. It's your words and threats. Empty and hollow. Face it Danny Boy you don't impress me and you certainly don't frighten me. You just seem to babble on in your cute little promos trying so hard to seem relevant and hip.

Listen Dan, I know James Irish and you sir are no James Irish.

But, let me address a few of the items you brought up. You don't mind do you? I mean it's not like you have anything else to do. I mean it's not like EPW is a hopping and happening place. Hell we're lucky if under your leadership we get to do 6 shows a year. Way to run a tight ship there buddy.

Didn't you say something like..."That's the thing about you. You run your mouth for the sake of running your mouth because you think there won't be anyone there to check you."

Now I'm just going to bring up one name and let you ponder on the hypocrisy of that statement.

Johnathon Marx.

That's all I'm going to say. The fans will know what I'm talking about. Hell everyone knows what I'm talking about.

Oh and you give back to the business. Man I forget all about that. I forget what a real MAN you are. Like that time recently in UCW when you came out to the ring and laid down for The First. Wow now that is giving back to the business. You know in that death of WCW type way.

Oh and do we really want to bring up Lindz? The woman that I challenged. The myth that I was ready to expose as a fraud. The woman that you stepped up to protect rather then let the whole wrestling world see that she was nothing but a paper champion. That's who you want to bring up?

Hell Danny I can't even insult her without you getting your man panties in a bunch and screaming "FOUL!". So really Danny let's leave the Queen Bi*** out of this. You don't want to go there. It's embarrassing to all of us in the business that she exists as a champion because of only your protection.

Oh and how have I given back to the business? Hmmmm. Let's see I was invited to join UCW, a brand new federation run by two of the great minds in the business. Two former champions saw the potential in me and I came in and validated their federation with my title run. A title run that includes a defeat of you.

I was invited to the original TEAM event. I was in the tournament of Champions. You weren't in that one were you? Oh that's right it was only for Champions. You don't have a belt right now do you? You're not a champion right now are you?

I led an invasion of former MBE superstars into A1E. Now granted they were out of shape, out of work, FORMER superstars; but I was the one that pulled them out of retirement and gave them one last taste of the limelight.

I'm the man responsible for The Spoiler and Hida coming out of retirement and returning to wrestling.

I had the run of the last year in the MBE tournament. You got me there Danny; but I've been one step ahead of you ever since. I took your measure and found you wanting.

I came into your little federation and dared to tell the truth. I have dared to do everything contrary to your well laid out plans. I have done what I want despite your silly little threats. Threats that you don't have the heart to back up.

Yes I took my cousin Elim under my wing. I brought him back into the business. He hasn't had the greatest of success, no. But he did manage to win the A1E Survivor Championship and will go down in history as the last holder of that belt. He is a young man with plenty of time to get better. Certainly he won't until people like you are out of the business; people who won't give him a chance. People who just mock him and other youngsters trying to make it. But he will succeed despite you Dan.

So much like the waning days of your career I've shown the world that your words much like your talent are a sham.

I am taking you to the woodshed in a parking lot Dan. I didn't want this in a ring. I didn't want a ref interfering with the level of violence that I have in store for you. I didn't want you having the chance to bail out of the ring when the reality of the situation you have placed yourself in finally catches up with your brain.

I am going to beat you because I can and mostly because the world needs to understand the simple fact that I have known for over a year.

Dan Ryan...your day is past.

Irishred walks out of the light of the parking garage into the darkness of the street.

 

[DBrunkGXW]

Re: Everybody's working for the weekend...

FADE IN....

Yankton, South Dakota - Home of IrishRed. Dan Ryan stands by a lovely lakefront setting. In the distance some locals are tipping cows and making mudpies. Ryan for his part sits happily on a bench waterfront.

Ryan: "Aww, Reddy Boy. Are we getting all shooty all of a sudden? I don't know why honestly. Is it because I disparaged your hometown? Does that hit a little too close to home? Weird, because according to the file you filled out and sent to my office over in Empire Pro (and yes, of course you do have a legal contract), you IrishRed hail from Yankton, South Dakota."

"And yet, I fail to see why a hospital parking garage would have anything to do with me? My my my, a conundrum."

"I'm not stupid enough to be baited by the likes of you. Don't bring Jonathan Marx up in this conversation. You don't have the first clue the depths of that issue. You also may not be aware that like men do, we worked out our differences and made amends. I never held Jonathan Marx back. He made assumptions and paid for them just like anyone else who talks without doing their proper research. But know this and it's all I'll say about that situation - Jonathan Marx was one second away from being blackballed from about four different companies on account of what he was trying to pull on me because the owners came to me and asked 'Will you stay if we kick him out?' - and I stopped it, Red. I stopped it. I'm not gonna be the reason for someone's livelihood being taken away over a misunderstanding."

"My present to you all was not being an asshole and having him run out of town on a rail. Everyone makes mistakes you see, and he was man enough to sit down, talk it over and admit mistakes."

"See, that's how we do it in the big city."

"Laying down for the first? It's a means to an end my friend. Only a means to an end."

"See, UCW is another place where you refuse to fight. You come on television and say you'll take on anybody but all I see is you and The First night in and night out. If the crowd weren't so sound asleep they'd be demanding their money back. This nonsense about you coming in and giving the World Title credibility? I think you've got that reversed, because if anything for the first time in your LIFE, that title has been working to give YOU credibility Mr. Second Level Title."

"And let's not get caught up on show schedules. Really, I hope you don't expect that to be a valid point when just about the entire wrestling world has only been holding five to ten shows a year at most. And the ones that do more, I'm pretty sure you have absolutely nothing to do with. Chances are, the only thing you'd be good at organizing would be a hot dog eating contest, and judging by that ugly mug of yours maybe a 'scare-the-****-out-of-our-local-children-a-thon'."

"You were invited to the original Tournament of Champions eh? ERRRRRRGAGHHHHHDERRRR!!!!"

"Dumbass."

"So was I. In case you didn't notice, it happens at the time my daughter was being born. Instead I accepted a role as an agent. I'm pretty sure you knew that, although if there was an all-night Dobie Gillis marathon on that night I can understand how you missed the memo."

"And you're right, you were responsible for the MBE Invasion - also known as a complete failure and an utter waste of time that ended with you apologizing to everyone backstage for disrupting the company and forcing us to listen to you and that other douchebag take up six segments a show carrying on about crap no one gave a damn about. Your little invasion made the David Arquette as World Champion angle look like the original NWO by comparison."

"You're responsible for Spoiler and Hida coming out of retirement. Whoop-de-doo. Are you gonna take responsibility for their wins since they came back too? As far as I can tell, all you did was pick up a phone. Great job, Red. Really good there. Nice phone skills. You're the freakin' Lily Tomlin of pro wrestling."

"And every little thing you do in EPW is done because I've allowed it. You wouldn't know a well laid out plan if it jumped up and bit you in the ass, and you thinking that you're one step ahead of me is laughable and yet ultimately satisfying because you're such a freaking lemming that you'll walk right into whatever I have planned for you without realizing I can cut off your EPW career with a call to my secretary and two security guards. To think I can't is not only ridiculous, it's mind-numbingly stupid."

"I don't mock youngsters, I mock idiots. So you just go on ahead and keep trying to bring along the special ed contingent of the 'next generation' and I'll keep grooming the next generation of greats like always."

"Finally, don't get the script twisted up there, douchebag."

"You didn't want this in a ring? F**k you. I called this match in UCW and of course in true IrishRed pu$$y fashion you ignored it. I called the stips and I called for a street fight. You couldn't even get out from behind the cows long enough to back up all the s**t you say."

"But one thing you better make damn sure of is that I back up what I say. I've done it for over a decade while you were jerking off sheep and having goat cookouts with ma and pa, and I do it to this day. I've fought and overcome people WAY more dangerous than you, buddy - from Michael Manson, to Craig Miles, to Eli Flair, to Mark Windham, to Joey Melton, to Felix Red, to Big Dog, to Spoiler, to Richard Farnswirth and ON AND ON AND ON AND ON."

"Don't **** on me just because they failed to cast you as an Oompa Loompa in the Willy Wonka remake."

"Violence and all of this s**t you're runnin' has been my calling card for years. You're walking into some s**t that you just aren't gonna handle, son. And you're doing it on my terms."

"So I'm sorry. I'm sorry IrishRed, your day never came - and I'm gonna make sure it never does."

FADE OUT....​

 

[irishred]

Irishred is seen wandering the Galleria Mall in the Bayou City of Houston Texas. The camera crew causes a bit of a stir. But this is Houston, The BIG city, what fuss could a small town boy like Irishred really cause.

What a waste of space this place is. 400 stores, 34 restaurants, two hotels, a skating rink and more fanny packs then you can shake a stick at.

I did enjoy my stop at Hot Topic though. I was drawn there by the sign that says Houston Native and Favorite Son Dan Ryan buys his panties here.

Now that my friends is marketing.

Speaking of panties...yours seem to be in quite the bunch there Danny boy. For God's sake do yourself a favor and reach down those fancy one hundred dollar pair of shredded jean shorts and dig that wedgie out. You'll feel a ton better. Go ahead and do it...I'll wait.

Irishred stares into the Neiman Marcus store as he waits, whistling contently.

Did you get that done? I hope so. Now maybe we can talk like adults. Well I'll talk like an adult and you'll get hot under the collar and rant and rave and huff and puff and Blooooooooooooow the house down.

Ya' know Danny, I like you. I really do. You make me laugh. You give me endless hours of entertainment. Watching you get so easily offended, watching you threaten me with your abuse of power over me in EPW, watching you make hollow threats that both of us know you can't follow through with...

...That's entertainment.

I mean I can only go so long listening to Mr. Amazing talk about his superiority of The First ramble on about his past lives before I am falling into a coma. But you, you know entertainment. You throw out punch lines like Robin Williams on crack.

Let me see if I can give you some of my favorites....

"I'm not stupid enough to be baited by the likes of you."

That's rich. You aren't stupid enough to be baited by the likes of me yet you spent your whole time on TEAM TV answering every one of my claims and challenges. Seems to me like you weren't only baited but you jumped right into the trap there slick.

"See, UCW is another place where you refuse to fight."

Christ Danny, I refuse to fight. Let's recap shall we. I'm the UCW World heavyweight champion and you laid down for the man I put in the hospital to win that belt. Lets take this to the people shall we? I mean they are your people after all. They would know best, after all I'm sure that Houston is one of the first towns people think of when they go "Hmmmm...where can I get a completely un-opinionated and educated answer."

Irishred jumps up on a retaining wall and begins to call for attention from the gathered group of shoppers. They are a motley crew. Between the housewives in Mu mu's the tourists in black socks and the ranchers in cow **** they make quite the educated bunch.

Excuse me everyone; but I'd like to get your opinion in this completely scientific poll. If some no good, low down, claim jumper was to come after one of you and yours would you want a person who beat someone into a near coma or a person who laid down like a yellow bellied coward rather then fight that same person?

The crowd begins to murmer and yell that Texans only want fighters. A few loud yells of Remember The Alamo are thrown in with some George W chants; but for the most part we can ascertain that the consensus wants a fighter in their corner.

There you go Dan...your people have spoken.

Irishred jumps off the retaining wall and continues his jaunt throw Houston's shopping mecca.

Dan in UCW I called out the whole wrestling world to come and try to take my title. All they had to do was show up and sign the dotted line. In answer to my challenge we saw an influx of talent. The Sargeant, Joey Melton, John Doe and Mr. Incredible showed up because of me.

Oh and don't you dare imply that I am ducking you. Child being born or not all you had to do was beat the First and you could have had another shot at me. Another chance to get your ass handed to you by me. I own you in UCW son...don't you dare forget that or try to convince anyone differently. Don't make me show the tapes boy.

Irishred comes to an empty store front with a sign above that reads "EPW Superstore". The camera focuses in on a sign on the glass that reads..."Closed for good. We found that being open only once every 3 months couldn't pay the bills." Irishred lets out a chuckle and continues his walk.

Let's see what other great lines did we get from your debut at the TEAM comedy club?

"You wouldn't know a well laid out plan if it jumped up and bit you in the ass..."

Let's see Dan...you wouldn't happen to think that I made your little paper champion come crying when I insulted her was part of a plan to got to you. Laying down in your ring against Beast wouldn't happen to be a way of getting to you would it? Selling A1E, MBE and UCW merchandise at EPW events wouldn't be a way of getting to you would it?

You have reacted exactly the way I knew you would. Your ego demands it. Your simple way of seeing things in black and white, as only a Texan can, drives you to react in exactly the way that I wanted it to. It's psychology 101 there slick, and I would know...I had to take it three times in college to pass it. You see the class was early in the morning and there was the bartending gig and then the girls and the all night parties...ah well...anyway, I eventually passed that damn thing and I know that I am one step ahead of you.

Danny boy you're just like Roger Clemens; your time has passed. Sure, once upon a time you were considered an all time great; but now you just don't have the offense to back up the stats. It's time to go to pasture there buddy. There's no shame in that. All the greats eventually realize their time has passed them by. It will happen to Joey Melton, it will happen to The Spoiler, it will happen to Mr. Amazing...

...and you know what Dan? It's all going to happen by my hand.

Hey look an Applebee's. It's lunch time.

Irishred walks into the theme restaurant as the camera fades to black.