TEAM Super Show I: James Irish vs. The Sergeant

[TH]

Promo Deadline: Wednesday, July 12th, 11:59:59 PM

It's a rematch from the TEAM Invitational Tournament's first round. Will the Sarge's luck get better this time, or will it be another duke for the clown prince of A1E and EPW on a hot streak?

 

[JIrish780]

Radio TEAM... CB Radio, that is

"Breaker, breaker, this is Mad Genius on the two-oh-nine headed through Illinoise towards the Team Supershow, looking for a bite. Anyone got a twenty on a half-way decent greasy spoon??"

Fade in on James Irish and Erin Flanagan driving through Illinois in a somewhat-new looking Toyota Corolla. Erin's at the wheel, while James is in the passenger's seat fooling around with an old CB Radio. It's mid afternoon before rush hour, the roads have moderate traffic, and it's an overcast day...

Erin: Lad, will ye stop playin' with that silly thing!? We keep gettin' dirty looks from truckers!

JIrish: Alright, already. But I need to pass the time somehow. We've run out of CDs, radio stations change too frequently for us to stick to just one, and frankly, this car is getting claustrophobic!

Suddenly, the CB Radio comes to life.

Radio: Mad Genius, this is Chapel Man. The TEAM Camera we put in your car is on. It's time for your promo.

James just double takes at the radio, a little surprised.

JIrish: Well... I guess that settles the boredom question for at least a few minutes.

I have to imagine that this is going to be a... furlough? Is that what they call it in the Marines? I know that's what the Army calls it, anyway. Regardless, it's got to be a break for the Sergeant, because it's a match without any hyper-tense drama. No club of so-called social "elites" trying to keep him from competing. No... whatever is going on with you in UCW. Just a rematch from the first ever TEAM tournament. Simple as that. To tell you the truth, it's something I could use, myself, with the breakneck pace my own career has been taking.

I'll tell you, I was tempted to introduce some crazy stipulation to this match to try to change this up, but then I saw Team Tremendous was on the card, and they'd all be participating in some freaky gauntlet match for a title that may or may not be on the line. That's enough gimmick for one show, I think. One of the first rules of show business, after all, is you don't want to overwhelm the audience with too much of one thing.

So what does that give us to do, then?

I mean, we can go on and on about which of us is more focused, which of us needs to keep our momentum for our goals elsewhere, who amongst us has the biggest fan base, which of us has the best chance with Erin-

Erin: In yer dreams.

JIrish: Okay, that'd be a short conversation. The point is, we could toot our own horns until even Little Boy Blue's face turns the color of his namesake. But in the end, a lot of this is just so subjective. You've honestly grown as a competitor a lot since we first faced off in TEAM. I'd like to think I've improved a little as well. This will probably make a very good measuring stick as to how far we've come in the ring since then.

And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to it, a LOT more than some recent matches.

A small diner pops into view.

JIrish: Finally, a place to eat. Let's stop so we can at least stretch our legs.

Erin: You got it, lad.

Fade out as the duo pull into the parking lot.

 

[Linguistic]

Lebanon, Missouri... approximately an hour northeast of The Sergeant's hometown of Springfield in the same state.

The Sergeant comes off of I-44 and onto part of old historic Route 66. A large diner/truck stop is the scene of his first promo for the TEAM Supershow.

Getting out of a 1987 Oldsmobile Calais (you know, the ones you see that the paint is always chipping away because of the poor primer used back in the day...) The Sergeant looks into the camera and then motions for the camera to pan around the truck stop (called B & D's).

The Sergeant: The most beautiful people in the world come to this truck stop.

Oh, I can tell by the look on your face that you believe I'm speaking about the kind of beauty that one would see in a magazine. Not even close. I'm talking about that inner beauty. You know, the kind that usually is attributed to somebody who has a face that only their mother could love.

This being only one hour outside of my hometown, I found it very flattering that between my good friend James Irish and I, Erin Flanagan would insinuate that I have a better chance than him at getting the digits.

I'm not talking about the five she's got on her right hand... that's just perverted, mister cameraman.

I'm talking about her phone number. Again, I am flattered... and single...

Sarge puts his left hand up to his ear in the shape of a telephone.

TS: Call me!

He flashes a smile.

TS: All playing aside, this match is one that I've needed for a very long time. As James cleverly pointed out earlier, the two of us seperately have been involved in more drama than an old lady can shake a stick at.

I have no clue where that expression came from, but I can assure you that an old lady can shake a stick at a ton of drama. So yes, James Irish and I have had tons of drama... just not between each other.

When we enter the ring, it's all about business. Our first meeting didn't go to my liking, but we tore down the house. That's why it was my idea to issue a challenge to my good buddy.

He's quick to point out that I have improved over the past year. He's such a modest soul... because last time I checked he is on track to become World Champion, a step up from where he was this time last year, as well.

So, what I'm trying to say is that we've both improved... but I think in everyone's eyes, he is still that small step ahead of me.

I've got to know if I have what it takes to be on his level.

A young man of about twenty years of age walks by, directly between Sarge and the camera. He's an attractive and well-built man... then he smiles! The young man would be lucky if he had four teeth in his entire head.

TS: Jethro... hey... um... your messing up my promo.

Jethro apologizes and scurries out of the picture.

TS: Like I said... the most beautiful people in the world.

Anyways, I'm with James all the way on this one. I'm looking forward to this match more than any other in recent memory...

... and James, if you ever swing by this part of the World, remember B & D's Truck Port! I know Erin's playing hard to get with you, but I'm sure that one visit here will have you realizng that their are plenty of fish in the sea.

Sarge motions over to a woman in a window at the truck stop that has to be close to 300 pounds. She has a hot fudge sundae in front of her on the table.

TS: (encouragingly raising his eyebrows...) Huh, huh? What do you think?

Scene fades to black...

 

[JIrish780]

Fade in to a group of five old ladies shaking sticks at something...

JIrish's Voice: Okay, we've lasted through the courtroom scenes from "To Kill a Mockingbird," and the finish of "The Princess Bride" and up next... oh, a particularly tense clip from a third season episode of NYPD Blue. Keep shaking, ladies, you've earned the free gas cards, and you're almost up to the $200 grocery cards.

The camera pans left to James and Erin, standing in a separate room looking in on the ladies and their sticks through a glass window.

Erin: James, ye've gone from bad movie parodies to bad history parodies... but a science study?!!?

JIrish: This, Erin, is actually my way of validating something the Sergeant said. Now, he was quite correct in that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I, personally, prefer to behold something in person before passing a judgment. In this era of Photoshop, that woman with the sundae could look entirely different up close and personal. I mean, we had the glass that could be doing these odd magnification effects, there's the camera which we all know adds ten pounds, and let's face it, we could hardly see her face behind that spoon.

Erin: You are just unbelievable.

JIrish: Don't believe me? Camera man, look at the old ladies through the second pane of glass, please.

With a slight grumble, the cameraman pans over to said second pane... and through it, the old ladies look triangular. Then back to James and Erin once the point has been made.

JIrish: See what I mean? Trick glass, obviously, but still.

Erin: Ugh... I'm just gonna get the next set of clips.

Erin walks off camera.

JIrish: Okay, so by now you've figured out I'm trying to figure out exactly how much drama an old lady can shake a stick at, right? Well, it was either this, or well... do something that just goes completely against the type of person I am. That's how difficult it gets when you're going up against somebody you respect.

And by now, I don't even have to say it. It's becoming common knowledge. Heck, my respect is growing, because Sarge, you're showing a broad sense of humor right now that I wasn't sure was in you up until now. I'm impressed.

But... I have to ask. Both of our physical forms have been tested pretty fiercely recently, but from what I've seen, you've taken it far worse recently. Or... well... you know, there's actually been some question to that. People who want to learn the details can go turn their dials to a one enterprising wrestling television program and find out all they want to know, but I'll just get to the crux of the matter.

Am I facing a Sergeant with a broken arm, or one at full health?

That is the one question which is making preparing for this match all the more difficult. Not knowing what kind of shape my opponent is going to be in, thanks to certain nebulous details surrounding other events, adds an air of doubt to the whole proceeding, doesn't it?

... something tells me that's not by chance, either. Perhaps a little "military strategy?"

Well, regardless, I have no plans on underestimating anything you can do, regardless of your condition, Sarge. I don't make a habit of selling people short... at least not once we get in the ring. So you can expect that I'll be ready for anything when we meet.

Erin walks back in with an arm full of video tapes.

Erin: Alright, lad, up next is... oh! It's a highlight reel of the Sarge's problems with the HPSC.

JIrish: How appropriate. Keep this segment rolling a bit, would you?

James pulls out a microphone while Erin puts the tape in the VCR.

Alright, now you've earned the grocery cards, and up next, some of the recent trials and tribulations of my opponent in my next match for TEAM.

Erin hits "play," and not 10 seconds into it do the old ladies drop their sticks and start talking back at the monitor in their room.

"Why that no good man!" "How dare he treat one of our boys like that?!" "He's a marine! That other one should show some respect!"

Erin: I don't believe it.

JIrish: Well, science isn't proven by just one study. Still... compelling evidence.


Fade out.

 

[Linguistic]

The Sergeant is back in his modest living room, watching the same video clip that James Irish had the old ladies viewing shortly before his last promo went off of the air.

The Sergeant: James, I know that I never really got around to telling you... but my motto-slash-catchphrase is a little misleading. While I am truly combat tested and mother approved, I said nothing about grandmothers... or great-grandmothers.

Yes... it's true. The Sergeant is also grandmother and great-grandmother approved.

Don't laugh! It's not really as strange as it sounds. When you sit back and think about it, you'll realize that when you are a grandmother or a great-grandmother you are also a mother... so it stands to reason.

It's been a tightly held secret, but James Irish has not only discovered it but also broadcast it to the world.

Sarge feigns an upset look.

TS: Something else that my buddy has brought to light is the fact that I have had what appears to be a serious injury at the hands of a diabolical mastermind... or what passes for one in the A1E... and his unwilling accomplice.

Or did I?

Yes, that is the question that many people are asking these days. I'm sorry to say that I can't divulge that information at this time due to ongoing issues with the friendliest guy in the HPSC (we all know who the friendliest woman there is...). All I can tell you to do is what I'm sure you are already doing.

Plan to take on a Sarge who is at one hundred percent.

Don't do it because I am, in fact, at full strength. You saw the video... I couldn't possibly be, because Andrew Gilkison hurt me really badly and he has no reason to fake the issuance of damage because he and the Chipster are such good buddies.

Do it because nobody wants either one of us to take it easy on the other one. They want to see the great match that they got in round one of the TEAM Invitational. I know that I, for one, am looking forward to that kind of competition.

The Sergeant picks up a half-empty Cornoa bottle from his coffee table, a leftover prop from one of his recent promos in that other organization.

TS: With all that's been going on in my wrestling career, it's been hard for me to find a reason to be humorous. That is, until recently. This sense of humor was always there, but it's hard for a funny guy to get over in the wrestling business. I know you understand where I'm coming from.

It might be a little crude, but it's there.

Suddenly, the big icecream-eating lady from the previous promo steps into view.

TS: Oh, hey Donna-Joe. I was just getting ready to ask him for you.

James, this is Donna-Joe. She had a pretty good idea that I want to throw your way...

Basically, she wants to know if you'd be up for a double date on the evening before our big match. You and her on one side of the table with Erin and I on the other. I know this isn't usually what happens before a wrestling match, but I have two words for you that might change your mind about the whole idea:

She's buying.

Let me know what you think.

Sarge smiles and the scene fades...

 

[JIrish780]

James is in his hotel room, reading Lewis Black's "Nothing's Sacred" in the one chair in the room, next to the window where we can see the downtown Boston area prominently in the background. Erin's lounging on the bed, channel surfing when she comes to TEAM's program and the Sarge's promo. After a moment, James suddenly looks up when the words "She's paying" come out of the Sergeant's mouth.

JIrish: I think we may have just inadvertently set her up to be disappointed.

Erin: We?

JIrish: Okay, you didn't do anything. But still... I don't think this is going to be able to work out. My work schedule has me going all over the country now at a fairly breakneck pace. Scheduling a stop down where she is in that part of Missouri just for a double date could get expensive fast on the travel side. And who knows when we might actually be in that area next?

Erin: Don't tell me yer turnin' down a free meal.

JIrish: Turning it down? Hardly. Being realistic is more like it. I know that sounds funny from a guy like me who makes over-the-top displays of parody a major part of his routine, but that's the short and tall of it. If the opportunity does eventually present itself that we're in the area and have the free time, we'll see if she's still interested. I just don't want her to hold her breath for something that might not happen for a while. Unless of course she was going to be in Boston for the card, then I could see entertaining her for an evening. I just hope she doesn't expect anything long-term. I hate long distance relationships...

Now, did I overhear that the Sergeant wants me to treat him as if he were at full strength?

Erin nods blankly, intently as a Ravager promo begins.

Good. That sounds like the Sarge I know. So just as long as he doesn't come to the ring with a plaster cast on his "is-it-or-isn't-it" broken arm, I'll gladly treat this as a regular match with an opponent at 100%. Regardless of how close "friends" the individuals who conspired to break that arm are, you and I both know that we don't buck our commitments and all that sportsmanship stuff that, let's face it, makes for boring television.

There's just one little caveat I have with what I think I heard, Sarge. I don't think we should be worrying about giving the fans the same "great match" as our last go-round. Because that one was so early in your career, the bar was... pretty low. And I think we overcame those expectations. Now, that's gone up, with your recent successes and my own as well.

So the challenge really becomes... can we do it again?

I'd certainly like to think so.

We start to fade out, but before that happens...

JIrish: I notice you were quiet about the prospect of the Sarge being interested in you.

Erin: Well... I...

 

[Linguistic]

The video segment opens to The Sergeant and Donna-Joe in the middle of a conversation with each other at a small diner in Lebanon, Missouri. A Ravager promo is airing in the background...

The Sergeant: It has nothing to do with you, and who knows? Maybe we can set up this double date some other time in the near future. I totally understadn where James is coming from. It's hard to squeeze time into either of our schedules for this right now.

Donna-Joe looks a little upset, but nods and walks away.

Sarge turns toward the camera, with a look of relief on his face.

TS: I think that worked out as smoothly as could be hoped for. I know she's a little heartbroken, but things like that happen.

I'm just happy that I wasn't shot down... there is still hope for me and Erin. Maybe after this match, but who knows?

Sarge takes a moment to reflect on that prospect. Yet another Ravager promo has popped up on the television screen in the background. He continues...

TS: First things first, I've got to survive this match. James made a valid point when he advised me not to worry about making this match as "good" as our last one. Both of us have been on much different paths than we were on when we first met.

We've just got to go in their and put on our best competitive faces. There is just no way to tiptoe around the issue. There is nothing on the line here but pride... no TEAM invitational tournament or Champion of Champions hype. Nothing but pride, competitive spirit, and the will to win.

I've got it, he's got it, and we're both going to lay it all out in the center of that ring!

You guessed it... Ravager is on the television again, delivering another promo. Scene fades...

 

[JIrish780]

James and Erin are seen walking onto the arena floor of Fleet Center... two days early. The lovely red-head notices the camera and address is briefly.

Erin: We're scouting out the venue. James likes t' get a sense of what kind of stage he's about to perform on ahead of time. If ya ask me, he's a little too interested in the idea of this business as an art form.

Erin turns back, as James stands in the center of the arena proper.

JIrish: So... this is probably where the ring itself is going to be, after taking into account the usual distance for an entrance way for an event at a venue this size...

He pulls out a small device, and points it in a couple directions. It makes a small chirping sound, so apparently it's sonar.

Hmm... not bad. This place will likely create more of an echo than usual. Apparently, when full, this place holds 19,600 people for boxing and wrestling events. That's a pretty damn impressive number, and you can believe that Jess sold this place out on the strength of the main event alone. We're going to have a crowd that'll hopefully remind the Celtics what kind of noise this place can make, and get them back into gear.

Erin: Now ye've really gone an' crossed the line to kissin' up.

JIrish: You behave in a way that gets you cheered more often than not, and sometimes things like that... slip out.

So, Seargent, I'm here because this is the best way to appreciate the scope of what we in the pro wrestling business do. For a top show like a flagship PPV, an unusually loaded regular show, or, well, a TEAM special event like this one, even a place this big is packed to the rafters. It's quiet now, but...

If we do our jobs right, nearly 20,000 people will be screaming their heads off in here no matter which of us wins.

That's a bigger number than more than a few towns in America.

How's that for perspective? Yeah, we in the business go out for crowds of every conceivable shape and size all the time, and just about every crowd deserves a damn good show but how many other businesses can say they get crowds the sizes of entire towns on their feet screaming? Sports and show business.

And this is one of the only jobs in the world where they meet.

I'm looking forward to seeing you in the ring, Sarge.

 

[Linguistic]

The Sergeant has situated himself in front of a television set in an average local unnamed sports bar in Anytown, USA. He's had his opportunity to view the latest James Irish promo, and typical to modern wrestling form he submits his reply.

The Sergeant: I don't know what it is about my good friend James, but everytime I see him I just chuckle to myself a little bit. It's not to make fun of him in any way, shape, or form. It's just that he's always such a practical joker... such a comedian... that I start laughing before he even gets a chance to tell the joke.

I really enjoy friends like that because you're always guaranteed to have a good time when you're around them.

This sets the scene for me viewing his most recent promo. I was already chuckling to myself just a little when the promo started up. I just knew that crazy son-of-a-gun was going to measure the exact center of the ring, totally playing off of what I said in my last segment.

The segment cuts to a replay of a portion of Sarge's last promo where he says, "I've got it, he's got it, and we're both going to lay it all out in the center of that ring!"

Cut back to Sarge at the sports bar again...

TS: The joke didn't play out the way that I thought it was going to... in fact, there was no joke at all. That didn't stop me from laughing though.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that with all of the laughing I realized something. I realized that I am really looking forward to this match.

I'm not looking forward to it just because the beautiful Erin is going to be at ringside, although I'm not going to lie... that's a part of it. I'm not looking forward to it just because there are going to be upwards of twenty thousand screaming wrestling fans in the Fleet Center loving every minute of our match... and make no bones about it, that is what a lot of the fans are coming to see.

I'm looking forward to this match because of my opponent. For the first time since just before a soon-to-pay Frankie Scott leveled my butt (actually it was my face that he leveled) with a pair of brass knuckles, I get to jump into the squared circle with an opponent that I respect... and truth be told I think is friggin hilarious.

I respect James Irish. James Irish respects me.

James Irish and The Sergeant will be stealing the SUPERSHOW. Count on it...

I may be combat tested and mother approved, but if that's the case then James Irish is Dan Ryan tested... and Seinfeld approved. My brothers and sisters, this match is one that was indeed made in heaven.

The closing theme for Seinfeld plays as The Sergeant casts a playfully experessive look at the camera.

Scene fades...