[Cut back to the studio]
TH: Finally, we go to the Philadelphia region for our final match, which is our main event for the evening. Timmy Windham battles IrishRed in a match of the slightly unbalanced and extremely tough. Remember, you can watch this match all you want, plus every other first and second round match we won't show in their entirety on ESEN On Demand. Let's go to Jess Chapel and The Iron Duke at the Wachovia Center for the action.
[Cut to the Wacho Center]
JC: Alright, we're here to what I think is going to be the match of the night, and it is the last match scheduled on our slate tonight here on ESEN.
ID: Bloody right, and I guess now's where I come in and say that you can order every match in their entirety on ESEN Season Pass On Demand, right?
JC: Way to jump through the advertising hoop there, Dukey.
ID: They pay me bloody enough, I guess I don't have to get my knickers in a twist when they ask me to plug them.
JC: Well that's a good thing, Dukey. Alright, let's get to the ring and Marvin Darling for the ring announcements.
[Cut to the ring, a middle aged black man dressed in a tuxedo with a TEAM microphone in the ring.]
MD: This match is scheduled for one fall with a fifteen minute time limit. Introducing first, from Sweetwatuh, Texas...
[Cue up the Theme to the Muppet Show, enter Timmy Windham]
MD: ...weighing in at 176 pounds, TIMMMMAHHH... WINDHAM!
JC: And here comes the Last Windham Standing, the craziest man in a crazy, crazy family.
ID: They are a daft lot, those Windhams. Personally, I don't feel right safe here with him and that roughian IrishRed lurking around here.
JC: Well the referee has been instructed to let a lot of things go and to make sure there's a decisive winner. But you used to be a wrestler Dukey, you can handle yourself, right?
ID: Bloody hell Chapel, that was a long time ago.
JC: In a galaxy far, far away?
ID: You bloody goober.
JC: Alright, Windham's in the ring.
MD: And his opponent...
[Cue up "Bad Company," enter IrishRed]
MD: ...from Yankton, South Dakota an' weighing in at 235 pounds... IRISH... REEEEEDDDDD!!
JC: Red looks determined.
ID: You say determined, I say in bloody need of a shower.
JC: Duke, be nice.
ID: Hey, you pay me to be snarky and bloody snippy.
JC: This is true. Anyway, Red's to the ring and we have ourselves a match!
[DING DING DING!]
JC: And IrishRed wasting no time whatsoever rushing in towards the Muppet Kid... no! Windham just dropped to the canvas! Red rushes right over him! Windham up, Kermit Kick to the back of Red's head! Red crashes into the corner face first!
ID: Bloody hell! Methinks there's actually someone home up there in Timothy's head.
JC: Demented smile on the Muppet Kid's face as he rushes in with a Hornet Spl... no! Red moved out of the way and Timmy Windham just ate turnbuckle, Red with a big clothesline! Muppet Kid to the canvas!
ID: Bloody hell!
JC: Windham back up and he's scowling at Red right now. Red just smirking at him, big mistake! Windham leaps onto Red, fists flying!
ID: I haven't seen a row like this my mate's bachelor party in Birmingham!
JC: Windham throwing punches, but Red throwing them right back! This crowd is eating up the brawling action, even if referee Lionel Heywood isn't! He's yelling at them to stop.
ID: Why won't he bloody get in there to break it up?
JC: Are you serious Duke? I think he values his health and safety here, whereas these two warriors of the squared circle don't! Windham with repeated blows, but Red rolls over and answers them! Now Windham with the advantage and... WHAT THE HELL?
ID: Begorrah! I guess Timothy didn't like his dinner.
JC: Either that, or he was watching too much film from Tyson/Holyfield II! Timmy Windham just bit IrishRed, and it looks like Red is busted open.
ID: I didn't think you could get good grip on the forehead like that, but I've been wrong before. Not many times though.
JC: Red's face is becoming quite red now, the veritable crimson mask. Windham leaps up and starts stomping away and away and away, and now he's scurrying to the corner like a squirrel.
ID: That wanker has gone bananas! Look at his face!
JC: Yeah, he's got a face that'll make Brian Pillman, God rest his soul, look sane. Windham scurries up to the top, smiling miles wide...
ID: Look at the blood on his teeth, bloody Norah, he's got a smile that'll make Margaret Thatcher cringe.
JC: Hey, the British are the last people who should be critiquing mouths here. [ID: Well, I never...] Windam leaps... Big Bird has landed! Guillotine leg drop, and I think he landed it across Red's forehead!
ID: Begorrah! As if that ruffian hasn't lost enough blood already!
JC: Windham up, and he's not going for the pin. Instead he's grabbing Red by his ankles and dragging him to the middle of the ring. What's he doing?
ID: Besides standing there and staring out like a daft ninny? How should I know?
JC: Well he... oh, now I see what he's doing! Putting a foot across IrishRed's throat and choking him! C'mon ref, that's illegal!
ID: Illegal? Rubbish! He's not using his hands!
JC: It's still a choke. Lionel Heywood getting use of his five count, one, two, three, four, five... Windham reluctantly lets go and sticks his tongue out at the ref? Very mature, Timmy.
ID: With a name like the Muppet Kid, you're bloody surprised?
JC: Good point, Dukey. Windham now with Red up and to his feet. Standing headscissors, Windham once again smiling all demented-like 'n crap.
ID: I think he takes pain in inflicting punishment.
JC: Naw Duke, you don't say. Windham with the tights and pulling piledriver, right out of the Mr. Hooper/Gordon match of 1981.
ID: What the hell? I never remembered that match.
JC: You must not get Sesame Street in England. Windham now with the cover...
...one...
...two...
...but Red kicks out. Muppet Kid with another page from Animal's playbook! Back to Red's forehead! C'mon ref, I know you're scared, but you can't let Windham have free reign here.
ID: Serious Jesse, you need to put a better spread out for the chaps backstage. Maybe some Yorkshire pudding or fish 'n chips.
JC: Dukey, if I put that crap out, I guarantee you, he'd be going for fingers. Red is now squinting, trying to get the blood out of his eyes, Windham is just smiling with blood dripping down his jowls. Red getting back to his feet, and Windham is just waiting, waiting for his shot here.
ID: Well, even if Red could see, he'd be caught completely with his pants down.
JC: Red turns around... dropkick! Dropkick to the face and just look at the elevation! Right in Red's face!
ID: It's a good thing for that ruffian that he was still covering his face, or else that might have turned his face into plum pudding!
JC: You're telling me Dukey, although the American in me would say hamburger.
ID: Bah.
JC: Windham going back to the top rope, right behind Red, who's slowly getting back to his feet. Red doesn't know where Windham is at all, but he's right behind him. Windham leaps...
ID: Bloody hell!
JC: BIG FLYING BULLDOG FROM THE TOP ROPE! Windham might have sealed this match up now. He covers quickly...
...one...
...two...
...thre... NO! NO! IrishRed kicked out at two and nine-tenths! Good God, he's got fight in him, and this Philly crowd is letting him know they appreciate his attytood!
ID: They only thing these heathens appreciate is bloodshed!
JC: The Philadelphia crowd loves you too, Dukey. Windham is incredulous that he couldn't put Red away with that hold. He's got Red up now and tosses him out of the ring.
ID: Oh dear, keep them away from us. I don't want that blackguard's blood on my TEAM collared shirt.
JC: Dukey, relax, I got like 500 of them in a warehouse in Cherry Hill. I can get you another one. Windham follows out, Red is stumbling back, Windham is lining up his shot...
[CRASH]
ID: BLOODY HELLLL!!
JC: Red moved at the last moment! The Muppet Kid just jumped right into those ring steps like Fozzy taking a pratfall!
ID: Will you cease the Muppet jokes? They're getting bloody old.
JC: Hey, you keep shilling your crappy food, I'll keep making the bad jokes. Both Red and Windham are in a bad way here. Windham gets to his feet and charges over to Red... HOLY CRAP! IrishRed just caught Windham and DDT'ed him into the steel guard barrier!
ID: Bloody great! He's just making Windham more crazy!
JC: I don't think that's possible. Red drags Windham back into the ring, wiping the blood off his face. This crowd loves IrishRed!
ID: Of course they do. They're all the same, blue-collared pondscum.
JC: Like I said earlier Dukey, Philly loves you too. Red rolls into the ring and he's got Windham in a chinlock, keeping air and circulation out of Windham's head. Looks like he's going for a knockout.
ID: That may be the only way he can keep Windham down!
JC: Alright, now that we've got a slow spot in the match, let's go back to the TEAM Studios in West Chester, where Tom Holzerman has an update for us. Tom?
[Cut to a split screen, Red with the chinlock on Windham in one, and a cut to the Savvis Center, with a Holzerman voice-over.]
TH V/O: Thanks Jess, and in our other main event match running concurrently, it's Victor Molotov and The Mighty Impala, and it's been all Molotov. As we look here, Molotov with a high-impact tiger suplex. Impala barely kicks out of the pin attempt. Molotov looks like he's on the road for an easy win. Now, back to you in Philly.
[Cut back to the full screen of the match in Philly.]
JC: Thanks for the update Tom, and we're back here, Red with that chinlock cinched in. Windham's fadin... no, wait, he's showing some signs of life, powering back to his feet. And now they're both up, Windham shoves Red off, Red off the ropes and BIG CLOTHESLINE to the Muppet Kid from the leader of the MidWest Mafia! Red covers...
...one...
...two...
...and Timmy Windham kicks out. Red up, stomping on Windham and flipping him over. Red to the top and...
ID: When scuttlebums fly...
JC: He leaps... COLD SHOT! COLD SHOT right into the back of Windham's kidney! Red covers again...
...one...
...two...
...Windham kicks out again! Red with the throat-slash, looks like he's looking to finish this. He's got him in the fireman's carry, looking for the Mafioso Perfecto... NO! Windham just slipped off the back and he's raking Red's forehead from behind him! More blood is spewing out!
ID: Ack! He's going to need a blasted transfusion before the night's out!
JC: You can say that again, Dukey. He's trying to get him up in the torture rack... no! Red swings down into a DDT! Holy crap, I can't believe what I'm seeing here! What an amazing display of dexterity by IrishRed!
ID: I think that was equal parts deftness for Red and hubris for Windham! The weight difference was too much!
JC: Red covers Windham...
...one...
...two...
...Windham kicks out! Red gets him up, and... I think he's looking for the Bad Company here. He's got him in the pumphandle... YES! YES! This crowd has exploded! IrishRed just hit Timmy Windham with the Bad Company. (Fallaway Pumphandle Suplex) He's covering...
...one...
...two...
...THREE! THREE! This arena's going nuts! IrishRed has won the match!
[DING DING DING]
MD: Here is ya winner, IRISH... REDDDDDD!!
JC: His face may be covered in the crimson mask, and he's probably gonna need a transfusion, but IrishRed just gutted out a blue collar victory in a blue collar city.
ID: He'll be no match for Hida Yakamo though. I'll tell you that.
JC: That remains to be seen, Duke. But regardless, he won a hard fought victory tonight. That's all for our matches this evening here on the ESEN network. Join us for second round action, but until then, have a wonderful evening.
