TH: Our main event is truly a main event caliber match. Hida Yakamo and Irish Red added to Philadelphia's wrestling lore with yet another mat classic. Let's watch.
Fade into the Wachovia Center.
JC: All right, it’s time for our main event here at the Wachovia Center. IrishRed and Hida Yakamo, two men who have histories in MBE.
ID: Bloody right, and I don’t think they were jolly with each other when they were around.
JC: You’d be correct, Dukey. No love lost between either of these two. Let’s go to Marvin Darling for the intros.
MD: This match is scheduled for one fall and has no time limit!
[Cue up “Dawn of the Locusts.”]
MD: Introducing first, from Tokyo, Japan...
[Enter Hida Yakamo, holding El Yakamocitio, to massive heel heat, outside of a few smarks in the nosebleeds who are all wearing “Fear the Cricket Bat” licensed MBE shirts, marking their asses out.]
MD: ...weighing in at a lean, mean 90 kee-lo-grams, The Asian Wonder... HIDA... YAAAAKAMOOOOO!!
JC: Hida Yakamo is just in tremendous game shape, Duke. He’s kept himself in tip-top shape despite his long absence from the game.
ID: Bloody right he has, Jesse. He was among the best when he was in MBE, and I anyone would be daft to pick against him, especially against a ruffian like IrishRed. He’s uncultured, like those filthy Brummies.
[Cue up “Bad Company.”]
MD: And his opponent, hailing from the mean streets o’ Yankton, South Dakota...
[Enter IrishRed to a NUCLEAR pop from the Philly fans.]
MD: ...weighing in at 235 pounds... IIIIIIRISH... REDDDDD!!!
JC: Do you listen to this pop, Duke? Ruffian or not, I think these Philadelphia fans really appreciate IrishRed’s working class spirit.
ID: Don’t be daft, Jesse. They’re just too stupid to appreciate greatness. They never appreciated Mike Schmidt, and they don’t appreciate Hida Yakamo! Disrespectful little twerps, the lot of them!
JC: Now Duke, you know you love Philly. Hell, I’ve even seen you eating a cheesesteak Italiano from Tony Luke’s the other day, wearing a Phillies cap and screaming yo to your pals.
ID: I did no such thing, you lying weasel!
[DING DING DING]
JC: All right, we’re ready to get this party started. Hida and Red circle each other, collar and elbow, and IrishRed with the early advantage with a hammerlock. Hida reverses it easily though into a hammerlock of his own. Red’s trying to use his free arm for some leverage but Hida’s got the far arm wrenched and is away from the free arm. Good ring sense here.
ID: He’s a bloody ring general. Like William Westmoreland.
JC: Or like someone who didn’t get his ass handed to him in Northern Africa.
ID: Bloody Norah! Take that back you filthy wanker!
JC: History’s history, dilcheese. Hida finally lets Red go, the leader of the Midwest Mafia holding his left shoulder a bit.
ID: That ought to teach that filthy wanker a lesson not to go grapple for grapple with Hida Yakamo.
JC: You’re probably right. Red is better suited trying to bring the fight to the Asian Wonder here, and yet he’s going right back to the collar and elbow, I don’t understand this.
ID: Ha, too many spirits will do that to your noggin.
JC: Red with the headlock now, but Hida almost immediately shoves Red off the ropes. Red rebounds, Hida with the textbook arm drag. Red looks lost in there.
ID: Much like the Philadelphia Eagles this year.
JC: You’re lucky most of these fans can’t hear you Duke. They might lynch you.
ID: Oh bloody hell, I’d like to see them try.
JC: Red back to his feet, shaking out the cobwebs this time. This match isn’t going well early for Mr. Red now.
ID: Understatement, but it’s expected. Hida is wrestling rings around Red right now, but this was to be expected.
JC: Maybe, but Red will find a way to bring the fight to Hida. It’s still early. Red’s up, and… you’ve gotta be kidding me, he’s goading Hida to grapple again. Hida strokes his goatee and just laughs.
ID: I’d be laughing too. Bloody daft fool, that IrishRed is.
JC: Hida goes in but Red pulls away last second and sends a knee right into the breadbasket of the Asian Wonder!
[Pop from the crowd.]
JC: Hida Yakamo played right into what Red wanted. Maybe he’s not so daft after all, Duke.
ID: Bah, even a blind squirrel finds a toffee every now and then.
JC: Red rushes over, but Hida just rolls out of the ring, holding his solar plexus.
ID: He was too hasty. Hasty is not good.
JC: All right, Treebeard. Hida is now just patrolling the outside of the ring while referee Gil James exhausts the ten-count. He’s up to three.
ID: I don’t know why Red doesn’t chase after him. He’s more at home outside the ring.
JC: That’s true, but it looks like he can’t get a read of where to exit without having Hida jump all over him. It’s cat and mouse. Red makes a move, but Hida makes another one, and the crowd doesn’t like it.
[Boos for Hida’s stall tactics.]
JC: James is up to nine and Hida slides back into the ring. Red’s slow to react, and Hida just rolls out of the way. The Asian Wonder back up, and we’re back to square one here. Red approaches, fists cocked. He punches, but Hida dodges and catches Red with a European uppercut! Red reels back, Hida in with another one, and another one. Three big Euro-cuts from the Asian Wonder, and now Red can’t even get off the ground using his own style.
ID: Bloody wonderful! This match has been splendid so far.
JC: Red backed into a corner, and Hida with a hard Irish whip into the other corner. Red SMACKS the turnbuckles, what impact, did you see that?
ID: Shook the arena almost. Hida may not be the largest bloke, but he knows how to get maximum power from leverage.
JC: Red to the canvas and Hida right down to the mat, side headlock. Hida’s very methodical in his approach, it’s almost like he had his opening strategy scripted, like Andy Reid scripts his first fifteen plays.
ID: How dare you compare a cerebral assassin like Hida Yakamo to a bloody porker of a losing football team?
JC: [sighs] Duke, you just don’t get it. Hida wrenching away at Red’s neck here, wearing him down. I think this is a hell of a way to negate Red’s obvious weight advantage, plus take the crowd out of this.
ID: And you expected any different? Don’t be daft, Jesse. This was Hida’s plan all along.
JC: Like I said earlier, and thanks for aping me, Duke.
ID: Meh.
JC: Hida releases the hold and now stomps on Red’s head. Hida clearly targeting the central nervous system. The back, head, neck. Good strategy.
ID: Bloody right. You can’t expect a man to be able to land a solid punch if he can’t bloody aim correctly.
JC: Hida now dragging Red to his knees, and... shades of Yoshihiro Tajiri! Buzzsaw kick to the head, and Red slumps to the canvas. Hida covers...
...one...
...two...
...but Red kicks out.
ID: I’m surprised that kick out was as emphatic as it was. That was a bloody hellacious shot he took from Hida.
JC: Indeed Duke. Lesser men would have defecated themselves.
ID: I shudder at the thought.
JC: Hida up from the canvas and off the ropes... knee drop right across Red’s face. Holy crap, I think I’ll call up Hahnemann and reserve his CAT scan for right after the match. Hida not with the pin attempt, but he’s turning Red over and dragging him to his feet from behind. Full nelson and... DRAGON SUPLEX! With the bridge...
...one...
...two...
...but Red kicks out again. I don’t know how, but Red kicks out again.
ID: He’ll be a bloody vegetable after the match. I say.
JC: That could very well be true. No one takes that much head/neck trauma and comes out the same, no one. And now it looks like Hida is just frustrated with himself for not being able to put Red away.
ID: Well, for as much as I slag Red for being a ruffian, there’s one thing that a ruffian is good at, and that’s taking a beating.
JC: Well, that Lotus Blossom II has been touted as a killer on the neck, and I think that Red might not be able to withstand it right now. Hida’s going to turn... no! Red grabs Hida’s head and SOMEHOW wrangles him into an inside cradle...
...one...
...Hida kicks out and he doesn’t know what happened! This crowd is going batty...
ID: I don’t even know where he came out with that one.
JC: Red is up, a little wobbly, but up, which is more than I could say for him two minutes ago. Red beckoning Hida to get up...
ID: Quite brash for a man who was getting the piss taken out of him so shortly ago.
JC: Yeah, Hida’s up and Red with a right hand... which is blocked by Hida and countered by a thrust to the throat!
ID: Red is totally overmatched here. I say throw the bloody towel in.
JC: Never say never Duke, although I do have to say, things ain’t looking too good here for IrishRed as he stumbles backward. Hida rushes over to the corner and ascends the turnbuckles, turning his back. He leaps... Yakamo St… NO! NO! Red hits the deck, but Hida is nimble enough to land on his feet, although a bit shakily. Red climbs to his feet as well. A still discombobulated Yakamo rushes in with a clothesline, Red ducks and hits him with the neckbreaker!
[Crowd EXPLODES!]
JC: This crowd finally back in it!
ID: Well, they’ve always been bloody in it. They’ve just spent most of their energies slagging Hida.
JC: Touché Duke. Red to his feet, yanks Hida to his feet.
ID: Bloody ruffian! Hida was getting to his feet just fine by himself.
JC: Hey, just think of it as Red being a gentleman and helping Hida to his feet, and then yanking him into a front facelock for a snap suplex, which is exactly what Red follows up with.
ID: Wanker.
JC: Red now going to work with the boots on Hida, stomping on the Asian Wonder. I’m guessing those boots were made for kicking, eh Dukey?
ID: You Americans and your bloody clichés.
JC: That’s what we’re good for. Well, that and greasy fast food. Hida looks as if he’s in a bad way now, and Red looks like he’s about to keep it that way. Red pulling Hida up to his feet and HARD Irish whip into the corner. Heh, Irish with the Irish whip. How puntastic.
ID: sighs
JC: You know you loved it Duke. Hida stumbling out of the corner and Red comes rushing in with a swinging neckbreaker! Looks like Red is trying the same medicine on Hida that he got earlier in the match.
ID: Well, it’s the way to go, but I doubt that he’ll have Hida off-kilter for as long as he needs. Hida will find a way to outwrestle him.
JC: Maybe, but remember, Red can grapple himself. Maybe not as well as Hida, but enough to get by, and as I’m saying this, Red down to the canvas with a rear chinlock on Hida.
ID: Oh, the common resthold. How bloody proletarian.
JC: Reading Marx again, aren’t we?
ID: Oh God no. He bores me. My favorite in NFW East is Doctor Silver.
JC: And thusly, Duke with the funny.
ID: And you said I didn’t bloody have it in me.
JC: Yeah, I owe Kayla Wilson a finster and a six-pack of Bacardi Ice.
ID: I don’t even want to know.
JC: Hida starting to shift his way out of the hold. I assume Red’s weight advantage precludes the traditional powering out, so Hida’s using his agility.
ID: And that’s why he’s bloody going to take the whole thing. He’s sharp as a knife, I say.
JC: And you say I’m bad with the clichés, Dukey. Hida shoving out of the chinlock, Red springs to his feet, Hida rises. Hida moves in, but Red kicks him in the gut and just plants Hida to the canvas with a big DDT! He covers...
...one...
...two...
...but Hida kicks out. Would you admit that Hida is in trouble here, Duke?
ID: Despite my feelings that he is superior, yes, but it’s not too bad.
JC: Well, things might go from bad to worse here...
[As Jess says this, Red has Hida over his shoulders in a fireman’s carry.]
JC: ...because Red’s got Hida up for the Mafioso Perfecto! Oooh, bridge too...
...one...
...two...
...Hida kicks out again.
ID: Another advantage ruffians have. Their moves tend to smart a little more.
JC: Ya think, Dukey? Red is up to his feet, putting the boots back to Hida. Red going back down to the canvas and grabbing Hida to his feet by his hair.
ID: How uncivilized!
JC: Hey, who said wrestling was civilized anyway? Red whips Hida off the ropes and on the rebound… tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from the leader of the Midwest Mafia! Holy crap, what impact, and Hida rolls off the knee onto his belly... and I don’t like that look in IrishRed’s eyes.
ID: Neither do I, Jess, neither do I...
JC: Red going to the top rope, Hida’s barely moving. Red leaps from the top and drives that knee into Hida’s kidney!
ID: I feel bad for whoever has to clean the loo after Hida whizzes tonight.
JC: Red pressing the knee into that kidney and now with the ankle lock. He calls that Double Trouble.
ID: Well, I don’t see why the wanker needs to abandon the “aim for the head” strategy, but that move looks like it bloody hurts.
JC: No crap, Duke, and this is the first time I’ve really seen Hida in pain this whole tournament so far. I’d say this is a great welcome back to pro wrestling from Red.
ID: Rubbish, rubbish I say. Your inference of ring rust is null.
JC: But he’s screaming in pain with that ankle lock/knee to the kidney combo.
ID: So have others who’ve been caught in that move who haven’t had layoffs. I mean, Red’s a slag, but that is a painful move.
JC: Right, but still, for someone who you think is the bestest thing since sliced bread, you’d think he’d have avoided that situation were he not rusty, eh?
ID: Nonsense. He can still win. He just may be pissing blood at the end of this match.
JC: That much is true. Hida’s still in a world of hurt, but he’s inching over to the ropes, reaching and... he’s got a grip. Gil James calls for the break, Red taking his good old time.
ID: Bloody cheater.
JC: Well, technically, it’s not cheating unless he takes more than five, but I get your point, Duke. Red up and with a stomp to the kidney for good measure. I’m guessing he’s taking out years of taking shots to the kidneys in prison out on Hida?
ID: You may bloody well be onto something here.
JC: Red brings Hida up to his feet and another submission hold, this time, the abdominal stretch.
ID: That Red, what a bloody tosspot, he’s still too close to the ropes.
JC: Good observation, Duke, and Hida’s got good position. He’s got the ropes, and Gil James once again using his five-count. Red breaks at four and turns right around to a Hida Yakamo thumb to the eye! C’mon ref, you had to have seen that!
ID: Serves Red right for his liberal taking advantage of James’ good nature. Came back to bite him in the arse, I must say.
JC: Red was taking what was given, that is blatant breaking of the rules. Hida shaking off and Red just walking around with his hands over his eyes... man how could James have not seen that, or at least seen what Red’s doing and infer?
ID: Well, I don’t know about you, but I bloody well don’t want a referee in my match to make calls on things he’s only thought have happened.
JC: Oh cut it out Duke, there aren’t many moves that elicit that kind of... wait a second! Hida just scooped up Red! Michinoku Driver numbaaaaah two! Hida covers...
...one...
...two...
...but Red kicks out!
ID: Bloody Norah! That just came out of nowhere! I thought Hida had this match!
JC: Me too, and I think the crowd realizes it. Hida is signaling for the end.
ID: Hidadriver?
JC: Oh the humanity, or not. Hida turning Red over onto his belly. I think we might see the Lotus Blossom II. Hida locks in the Dragon Sleeper and he’s got the hold cinched in! No escape for IrishRed now, unless he can somehow reach over to the ropes.
ID: Don’t be daft, Jesse! They’re in the middle of the bloody ring!
JC: Stranger things have happened. You know, like you rising from the ranks of jobberhood in A1E to becoming the third most respected color commentator in the sport of wrestling?
ID: Third most... bloody hell, I’d like for you to name just bloke better than I am, let alone two!
JC: Well Dukey, you’ll have to wait ‘til we’re off the air, because I heard from my superiors that we’ve put over the other feds too much tonight.
ID: Superiors? Bloody hell! You own the place!
JC: Shhh! Don’t let that cat out of the bag too much, but I don’t think that Hida’s letting this cat out of the bag, and by cat, I mean Red and by bag, I mean submission hold.
ID: Hida has this locked in tightly.
JC: That he does, and Red is still holding on, holding on for dear life though.
ID: I don’t bloody believe how he hasn’t given up yet. Most men crack like old paint after a minute at full force.
JC: I don’t know. But you said it best. Ruffians are toughian. Plus, this crowd is really getting behind him.
[The crowd stomping its feet and clapping its hands in support of Red.]
JC: Just listen to them, they’re up and making noise! It’s been said that the Flyers have the best home ice advantage in the National Hockey League, and this Wachovia Center crowd is showing why.
ID: You bloody nipple! This is wrestling, not hockey, and Red is from the bloody boondocks of South Dakota!
JC: But you can’t deny that this crowd is helping him hang on.
ID: Bah, maybe he’s knocked out.
JC: I don’t know, just look at him, he’s still squirming, trying to get out of this hold. I don’t know how he’s doing it.
ID: Well I don’t know what he’s trying to do. There’s no bloody way he’ll even have the move budge to get to the ropes. All’s lost.
JC: Not really. Maybe he’s hoping that Hida will get really, really tired.
ID: Bah, wishful thinking, Jesse. I told you, the layoff has not affected him. He’s still fit as a...
JC: Duke, do you see that? Red’s started to rock ever so slightly! He’s rocking the boat!
ID: Bloody hell!
JC: I don’t believe it! He’s breaking Hida’s balance on his back! Hida may tip over onto his side here! I don’t frigging believe it! IrishRed’s gonna break...
ID: BLOODY HELL!
JC: Bloody hell indeed, Duke! I don’t believe it! Hida released the arm on the Dragon sleeper part of the hold and somehow landed a punch on Red’s chest to keep him from rocking any more! Hida regains balance! This match is all but over! Red is fading fast!
ID: Ahahaha! I bloody told you! Hida would outlast him!
JC: He is so far, but I still don’t believe how long Red’s lasted in this hold. This move is certain DEATH! I mean, you have to give props to Red, just have to. He has inhuman pain threshold.
ID: Or maybe he’s just a bloody corpse by now.
JC: That’s a definite possibility, Duke. The life seems to have been sapped from Red, but I think this crowd refuses to believe it! They’re still behind Red 100 percent!
ID: That’s because they don’t know how not to cheer for losers.
JC: Red is no loser, at least not yet. He looks like he’s fading fast. Hida is screaming at Gil James to come over and check on Red. I’m guessing he thinks Red is out.
ID: That could be it. We’ll soon find out if that’s the reason why this straggler’s been hanging on for far past his welcome.
JC: James over to Red’s free arm, raises it once. It falls.
[Crowd audibly moans.]
JC: Up twice. Falls again.
[A more agitated moan.]
ID: Ring the bell, ring the bell! This one’s bloody over.
JC: Not yet Duke, not yet...
[James raises the arm a third time...]
JC: NO! NO! This match isn’t over yet!
[Crowd pops HUGE!]
JC: IrishRed keeping his arm raised in the air emphatically, although shaking like a leaf on a tree.
ID: He’s having convulsions!
JC: No! No! He’s got the arm raised and he’s... no! NO! Now he’s tapping! He’s tapping out, oh my Lord.
ID: BLOODY HELL! Hida wins! Hida wins!
[The crowd lets out one collective sigh, almost like deflating a giant balloon.]
MD: Here is your winner, and quarterfinalist in this year’s TEAM Invitational Tournament...
HIDA... YAAAAAAAAKAAAAMOOOOOO!!
JC: I can’t believe what I just saw in that ring. What a match. Two warriors. Man, I know I said this last round, but it’s a shame either one of these men had to lose.
ID: Only last round, you weren’t saying that because Red lost.
JC: I know. This man may not be moving onto Portland, but he’s certainly showed his true toughness and grit to everyone, not only in the Wachovia Center, but to all our viewers on ESEN and to countless others who’ll log onto the TEAM website to read results or tune into Epicenter to watch the highlights of this match. I mean, Red brought it, he really brought it.
ID: Hida leaving the ring now, a victor, well-deserved, and now I get my dream quarterfinal. My pick to win against my countryman, Karl Brown. I don’t know who to pull for.
JC: How about no one, and be objective for once, Duke.
[Red finally gets up, the arena erupts for him.]
JC: Well won’tcha listen to that, Duke?
ID: I don’t bloody believe it. They’re... clapping for him? It’s true! They really do like losers!
JC: It’s not that. They’re showing him respect! Respect for a warrior who gave it his all in this ring and who proved that he deserves a chance to fight again in TEAM, whether it be when the season starts, or in next year’s Tournament.
[Standing ovation.]
ID: Sit down, he lost, get over it.
JC: C’mon Duke, at least give it up. He took Hida to his limit and lost only after spending the better part of ten minutes in that Lotus Blossom II.
ID: Fine, I’ll give the devil his bloody due. But still, he’s going home.
JC: But there’s no shame in that.
[Red gives the fans a salute.]
JC: And Red gives back to the fans... anyway, that’s all the time we have this week. Join us next time, when the Duke and I will be calling the action for all four matches from our quarterfinal extravaganza show at the Rose Garden in Portland, Oregon! Until then, remember, there’s no I in TEAM, but there sure is MEAT!
[Fade to the TEAM logo.]
