TEAM EPICENTER: Dupree Cup Semifinal Recap

[TH]

[We open with a shot of Jason Payne looking up at Spoiler on the big screen. In front of said big screen, it's Tom Holzerman!]

TH: A1 Entertainment, New Era of Wrestling, New Frontier Wrestling, Message Board Entertainment. They're your final four. Who makes it to the final two? Well, stick around, Epicenter is next.

[Cue up "Down" by Stone Temple Pilots.
Cut to BEAST thumping JOE AVERAGE with a powerbomb.
Cut to MR. AMAZING! assaulting D! with the Championship of Champions Belt.
Cut to KARINA WOLFENDEN delivering the Dual Halo to ADAM BENJAMIN.
Cut to ULYSIS SOLIAN staring down DANNY BOY VEGAS.

Cut to KARL BROWN hoisting the Merrit Trophy, then flash cut to D! with the Championship of Champions Belt across his waist.

Cut to: The Epicenter logo once more, fading into Tom Holzerman and Steve Murray at the Epicenter desk.]

TH: Welcome everyone, I'm Tom Holzerman.

SM: And I'm Steve Murray.

[Cut to Murray with an MBE/NFW backdrop.]

SM: Alright, everyone who had NFW and MBE in the semifinals of their Dupree Cup office pool, please raise your hands. [Pause.] Yep, thought so. MBE was kinda expected to be here, but NFW, well, with the competition in their group, many experts said they needed a miracle. Well, it turns out all they needed were some godlike performances from Nova and Jason Payne. Would that be enough tonight though?

[Cut to the HBSC Arena, with Nova and YYJ, attached to each other via bullrope.]

SM V/O: Our first match of this encounter pitted Nova against Yori Yakamo, Jr. in a bullrope, pudding, kendo-stick on a pole casket match. If you touched all four corners of the ring, you could use the kendo stick on a pole, but to win the match, you have to shove your opponent into the casket full of pudding. Yes, I know, it sounds ridiculous, but it was Yori who came up with it. Anyhoo, the progenitor of the match starts it out as he would any other match, a poke to the eye and choking with the bullrope. Nova in a world of hurt here.

[Cut to Yori with Nova locked in a bullrope-aided camel clutch.]

SM V/O: And now, more Yori with the underhanded tactics, although the bullrope is a legal weapon here. Still, something totally wrong with seeing a bullrope-aided camel clutch... with thrusting. Skeeves me out every time I see it.

[Cut to YYJ trying to touch a turnbuckle.]

SM V/O: Yori trying to hit up for paydirt, but before he could even touch the first turnbuckle, Nova uses the bullrope as a weapon for the first time. Yori comes flying back to the middle of the ring.

[Cut to Nova with the bullrope as a "blindfold" over YYJ's eyes.]

SM V/O: Here, we see Nova using the bullrope rather creatively, blinding Yori and then using it to whiplash him back down to the canvas with that Edge-o-Matic type maneuver.

[Cut to Nova with YYJ over his shoulder.]

SM V/O: Nova trying to end this match without using the kendo stick, but we all know that's never going to happen. This is wrestling. Whatever can happen, will happen it seems, especially if it's part of the stipulations for the match. Yori slides off the shoulder of Nova and, in classic Yori style, gouges the eyes on the way back. Classy move.

[Cut to Yori with Nova in the corner.]

SM V/O: Yori now hanging Nova in a different manner, from the Tree of Woe. Leaving the Rising Star there, Yori touches one turnbuckle, two turnbuckles, three turnbuckles. Ingenious plan, right? Well, Yori didn't realize that he didn't touch Nova's corner and when he goes to do that, Nova with a little shady action himself. Groin shot and hard.

[Cut to Nova running towards the ropes.]

SM V/O: But Yori still has tricks up his sleeve. Nova running towards the ropes here, and The Sexcellence of Sexecution yanks the bullrope, causing Nova to fall backwards. This allows Yori the time to touch each turnbuckle and grab the kendo stick. However, it wouldn't end up as Yori had planned it to. He waits for Nova to get up and takes a swing. Nova ducks, counters with a back body drop and then he waits for Yori to get back to his feet. Boot to the gut and look at that, he calls that move the No-Value (Diamond Cutter set up, snap-maring the opponent over into a reverse DDT), and lights out for Yori Yakamo, Jr. Into the casket of pudding, and NFW is up one match to nothing.

[Cut to IrishRed and WhiteNoise standing in the ring.]

SM V/O: The next match was supposed to feature IrishRed and WhiteNoise taking on Lone Wolf and WildStar. However, the NFW duo didn't come out when their music hit. A camera went backstage and showed on the TEAM-Tron their locker room. Lone Wolf and WildStar passed out with bottles of Banker's Club gin and vodka all around. Neither man was in any condition to compete, and MBE gets a match back.

[Cut to Jason Payne and Spolier, staring each other down.]

SM V/O: Finally, we're to the match of the night for this one, The Force of Nature against the Man Deemed Too Hot for TEAM. Payne gets the upper-hand early on Spoiler, nailing him with a low kick to Spoiler's previously injured knee out of nowhere. Spoiler is taken by surprise, but Payne doesn't revel in the moment, nailing the former MBE Champion with a neckbreaker.

[Cut to Payne with Spoiler on the canvas near the ropes.]

SM V/O: And when you're facing someone as lethal as Spoils, you need to take some liberties. Payne holding onto the ropes, stomping away at Spoiler, much to referee Pat Jones' dismay. To Jones' credit though, he knew this match was going to be stiff and he tucked his rulebook in his back pocket.

[Cut to Spoiler in the corner with Payne on the apron behind him.]

SM V/O: Or else how could he let this one go? Payne using that tag rope to choke the life out of Spoiler. Jason Payne really took it to the Force of Nature early on in this match.

[Cut to a slightly doubled over Spoiler and Payne running the ropes behind him.]

SM V/O: Continuing the assault here with a bulldog.

[Cut to Payne with Spoiler in a full-nelson.]

SM V/O: And he tries to put this match away with the Payne Killer, but look at that power. Spoiler just busting out of the nelson like it was wet tissue. The Force of Nature is not down yet, and he turns around and just levels Payne with a Spoilerline.

[Cut to Spoiler with Payne on all fours.]

SM V/O: And here, Spoiler just wailing away on Payne's back with clubbing double axehandles.

[Cut to Spoiler with Payne in a military press.]

SM V/O: Then, look at this. Jason Payne is no small man, and Spoiler has him up in that gorilla press effortlessly. Effortlessly. Too bad the drop isn't so cute sounding. Thump indeed.

[Cut to Spoiler whipping Payne off the ropes.]

SM V/O: Payne would make with the comeback though, as he ducks another Spoilerline and then comes back in off the rebound with a jumping clothesline himself, taking the big man down.

[Cut to Payne with Spoiler in a chinlock.]

SM V/O: Here he is, trying to wear down the Force of Nature, great strategy on the big man in theory, and Payne thinks he's got this wrapped up.

[Cut to Payne struggling to apply the full-nelson again.}

SM V/O: He's got a half-nelson on, and now he's trying to get that other arm over, but Spoils is fighting and fighting. Out of Pat Jones' line of sight, Spoiler sends a backwards kick to Payne's privates, then an elbow to his gut and it's a SpoilerStunner. Now The Mountain of a Man smells blood.

[Cut to Spoiler with Payne in a standing headscissors.]

SM V/O: The big man is setting up for the Spoilerbomb, but there will be no whammage here. Payne somehow finds the strength to counter the bomb with a back body drop on the massive Force of Nature. Payne signals to the crowd and now he's going to try and give Spoiler a taste of his own medicine. I guess you could call this a Paynebomb attempt, but he'd have no luck here as Spoiler just uses his superior strength to shove Payne by his thighs right into the corner. Look at the impact and he only shoved him from a bent over base pushing on his legs. Unbelievable.

[Cut to Spoiler with Payne perched on the top rope.]

SM V/O: And now Spoiler's got Payne in that precarious position. Payne trying to fight it off, one, two, three punches to Spoiler, but the big man's deft as a cat. He retains his balance and as Payne winds up for a fourth punch, Spoiler just levels him with a quick forearm. He then grabs him and... goodnight Irene! Super Spoilerman Buster from the top rope, and I don't know how many people could survive that move. Spoiler gets the pin, and MBE will move onto the finals.

[Cue up "No Quarter," Led Zeppelin. Cut to a shot of HAL and Big Dog grappling.]

TH V/O: Coming up next, highlights from A1E/NEW. Would A1E punch its ticket for a blood rematch with MBE, or would NEW take its spot? Back in a few.

[Cut to a commercial for Deal or No Deal. Pay no attention to the bald man on screen, not when you've got all those chicks with briefcases and huge racks over there.]

 

[TH]

[Fade back into the TEAM studios, close up of Tom Holzerman with an A1E/NEW inset.]

TH: It was a veritable clash of the titans, two teams, blazing hot coming into this match. A1E just dispatched NAPW, a fed that many had pegged would have won this thing, and NEW, well, NEW hasn't dropped a meet yet. Would the action live up to the hype?

[Cut to Troy Douglas in the ring with Mr. Entertainment.]

TH V/O: We'll start off with this tag match, Douglas and Gilkie vs. Mr. E and MWG. Team A1E started out hot here, with Douglas having his way with MR. Entertainment. He whips the cocky NEW TV Champion off the ropes and nails him with a clothesline.

[Cut to Mr. E behind Douglas.]

TH V/O: But like a veritable see-saw, Mr. E gained the advantage right back, here nailing Megatron with a back suplex.

[Cut to MWG and Mr. E whipping Douglas off the ropes.]

TH V/O: You can't keep a good man down too long, and Douglas reacts to this double team with a quick counter. Double backbody drop turned into a DDT on both NEW competitors. He limps over to his corner and tags in Gilkison who comes in like a house on fire, but MWG provides the water to douse him with, nailing Gilkison with a spear just as he runs over to take out the recovering former TV champ. Mr. E smartly jumps on top of Douglas and they brawl outside the ring, while MWG delivers a flash Disappear Here DDT and gets a pin. NEW is up, one match to none.

[Cut to James Irish staring across the ring at all four Team NEW members, holding various weapons.]

TH V/O: And just when you think it can't get any worse for A1E, well, it does. The Teammates Bring The Weapons Match, only all A1E teammates are barred from ringside. Chaos comes equipped with a chain, Mr. Entertainment with a chair, HAL has a laptop computer from 1996, and I'll be damned if that isn't the bulkiest thing I've ever seen, and MWG has a glass dildo, presumably purchased from Yori's back catalog of blown sex toys... that totally doesn't sound right. They all advance on Irish, even though Chaos is the only one allowed to legally touch Irish, but Irish thinks quick. He pulls out a can of pepper spray, presumably the property of Erin Flanagan's, and just starts macing Team NEW. Down goes Gossard, down goes Entertainment, down goes HAL, but Chaos is too quick, nailing Irish with a chain shot. Everyone had to be taken back to get treated, although all three men recovered in a matter of minutes.

[Cut to Chaos choking Irish with the chain.]

TH V/O: Chaos making full usage of that chain, now choking James with it. To say that Irish eyes weren't smiling on James would be an understatement and horribly cheesy to boot.

[Cut to Chaos with the chair and Irish hobbling around the ring.]

TH V/O: Now, it's Mr. E's weapon's turn as Chaos jabs the chair in James' gut and then plasters him in the back with it. The pin attempt is no good as James kicks out at two, but Chaos has other ideas for the chair. He grabs James to his feet and whips him off the ropes. He tries to level a running James with a chair, but no dice, James ducks and on the rebound, dropkicks the chair right into Chaos' face. Discount plastic surgery.

[Cut to James sitting on the top rope with a dazed Chaos in front of him.]

TH V/O: And what would any James Irish match be without some variant of a DDT? Well, it wouldn't be a James Irish match at all. Tornado DDT here and a beauty.

[Cut to James with Chaos set up in a front trapping double armhook.]

TH V/O: James was about to take Chaos to the Headbanger's Ball here, but Chaos had other ideas, like a knee to the groin and then a DDT, giving James a taste of his own medicine.

[Cut to Chaos with the bulky old laptop.]

TH V/O: Chaos now about to kick it back to '96. Technology, baby! Cracks James across the skull. Irish to the canvas and Chaos is looking to finish this match. He pulls James to his knees, trying to get him in a standing headscissors, but James feigns limpness, making him all dead weight. His only movement seems to be arm flailing, but Chaos finally gets him to his knees. Before he can do anything though... SMASH! James was playing possum and grabbed that glass dildo. Chaos reeling and James is up... Chaos, somewhat blinded walks right into a James Irish DDT right onto the bulky old laptop, and this match is over. A1E ties it up.

[Cut to HAL, with clearly red eyes, and Big Dog.]

TH V/O: That takes us to HAL, Big Dog, for all the marbles. Big Dog tries to start things off with an uncharacteristic rake to HAL's still irritated eyes, but HAL has it scouted, batting Dog's big soup bone away and then landing a knee right to Dog's breadbasket. He follows that up with a DDT.

[Cut to HAL with Dog in a sleeperhold.]

TH V/O: HAL tried early on to wear down Dog, and he was somewhat successful here with a sleeperhold. It didn't put Dog out, but it certainly didn't help matters.

[Cut to HAL behind Dog.]

TH V/O: And here, shades of Eli Flair as HAL puts Dog down with that reverse DDT.

[Cut to Dog running the ropes after a HAL Irish whip.]

TH V/O: And much like you can't keep a good man down, you can't keep a good dog down either. HAL whipping the current A1E Tag Team Champion off the ropes but Dog comes right back with a clothesline.

[Cut to Dog with HAL in a camel clutch type move, only with his hands over HAL's eyes.]

TH V/O: And here, a camel clutch with eye gouging. Normally, Dog plays by the rules, but desperate times call for desperate measures here. With the mace still lingering, Dog tries to put unbearable pressure on HAL's eyes, but HAL won't tap.

[Cut to HAL running the ropes after a Dog whip.]

TH V/O: Dog continues the assault, nailing HAL with this huge spinebuster. Man, I even felt that.

[CUt to Dog with HAL over his shoulder.]

TH V/O: Dog looking to finish the match and NEW with the Dog Pound, but as he's running, HAL slips off his shoulder. Dog stops in his tracks and turns around, but by the time he does, it's too late. HAL boots him right as he turns to face him and we see Control-Alt-Delete (Dominator). Dog gets put down, HAL with the pin and the win for NEW.

[Cut back to the studio.]

SM: So there you have it. MBE and NEW will wrestle for the chance to take home the first annual Dupree Cup.

TH: Yep, it should be a big one. Make sure you tune right into the Alternative Sports Network for the live action, and then if you have to miss it, make sure you catch Epicenter to get all your highlights from it. For now, I'm Tom Holzerman. For Steve Murray, goodnight everyone.

[Fade to the TEAM logo.]