"I feel like I'm watching a damn rerun on the television."
Tyler Hensen is standing on home plate in the middle of an empty baseball field, one of the many sports he played while growing up, and a very important part of today's lesson.
Hensen: I'm not sure if you know this, but last week we faced two guys that could have been identical twins to the two of you... And quite frankly that bores the hell out of me. I want some substance, some kind of certainty that I'll at least break a sweat when we step into the ring at RAUCOUS.
He kicks at a bit of sand atop the plate, then digs the heel of his shoe into the sand beside the plate.
Hensen: Of course, I'm sure if I hold that in one hand and a beer in the other I could at least look forward to making sure they're both empty.
The camera pans back slowly, getting a better view of the entire field in front of him. That's exactly the same moment that Sherman Wentworth walks onto the screen with a baseball bat in one hand and a child's baseball tee in the other. He sets the tee down atop the plate, then hands the bat to Tyler.
Hensen: I know most people would look at the fact that I'm discrediting an actual tag team with years of experience, considering Sherm and I haven't been a tag team for too long... But how can I honestly look at the two of you and consider you to be any sort of threat to us making the finals and thus becoming the NEW tag team champs?
He doesn't wait for an answer, instead he takes a few practice swings toward the tee before asking Wentworth for a ball. Sherman then reaches into his pants and grabs a ball... FROM HIS POCKET YOU SICK FREAKS!!!
Hensen: I don't expect to get an answer to that, and I don't expect one for the next question I have for you either... But I'm going to ask anyway, because I'm a prick like that.
Prick is probably a word he should not have used, considering the five year old bathroom mentality of his opponents of the week.
Hensen: Have either of you ever played tee ball? I ask this, because when I was growing up it was something I loved to do. You learn a lot about people, and usually you can judge a person's character and place a title from the game onto them.
He holds the ball in one hand and the bat in the other. He extends his hand like he's reaching for the camera, then brings it back close to his chest.
Hensen: In baseball, it's real important for you to keep your eye on the ball. You never know what kind of pitch is going to be thrown at you, or where the ball is going to be thrown. Men, such as myself and Sherm, know when the right time to swing that bat and make contact is... We've practically perfected the art.
Tyler puts the ball atop the tee, then steps back and looks at it for a moment.
Hensen: But you guys... You guys are like those little three and four year old kids that are forced out there by their parents to learn a game they have no business even trying out for. The only reason they are even there, is so that their parents can go home and have sex while someone else deals with their problem. That's who you remind me of, and not just because of the snot dripping from your nose and the bathroom humor we've come to expect.
Hensen: No, you remind me of those kids, because no matter how easy it is for you to hit that ball. A ball that is not moving, and right there for you to knock the hell out of, and you've already missed the damn thing two times. Two strikes against you, it's the bottom of the ninth, and you're down by one run. All you have to do is make contact, but as you look across at the team you're playing against and they not only have the hunger and desire to win the game... they damn well guaranteed it before the game even started.
Tyler takes a swing and misses on purpose.
Hensen: Strike three, guys. That's what is going to happen this week at RAUCOUS. You're going to step into that ring, and just like the last two times you're going to fail. You don't want to be here, and you definitely don't deserve to be here, so just do us a favor and don't make it harder on yourselves than it has to be. Just swing away and walk off with your heads held high knowing that you got knocked out of the tournament by the team that is going to win this whole damn thing.
Hensen: There's no shame in losing guys, or at least that's what I've been told, because me... Us.
He takes a swing and makes full contact on the ball, which sends it flying through the air and over the fence.
Hensen: We're winners.
