Tag Team Championship Tournament: Quarterfinals - Jack n' Hoff v Inner Circle

[TheOriginalSE]

All RP for the World Tag Team Championship Quarterfinals match between JACK n HOFF and INNER CIRCLE at RAUCOUS should be done in this folder. Any RP posted outside of the folder will not count.

* Let the carnage begin!

The RP deadline is 11:59pm PST on SUNDAY, April 1st, 2007. Angles should be sent to secandido@san.rr.com ..

 

[TrevorCane]

"Dude. I found it!"

A man sits in front of a computer screen, the back of his head darkened against the bright light.

"You found what?"

The camera pulls out to show another man, sitting on a couch in the living room five feet away. He has his legs up on the coffee table switching through the channels on the television that is against the wall.

"Aw, c'mon man, you know what!"

The guy swings his legs off the coffee table and slowly gets off the couch. He tosses the remote in between two of the cushions and heads over to the computer.

"This better be good, Hoff, or else I'm going to be pissed. I am trying to find something to watch on the television."

The other man turns around, his face lit up with a smile.

"Yea, okay, Jack. All you're going to do is sit there pressing the favorites button until CSI comes on. Then you'll talk the entire time, making about three guesses of who the guilty person is, and end up getting it wrong."

Jack comes over and stands behind Hoff.

"Let me see it."

Hoff hops out of the chair and motions for Jack to sit down.

"Just press play."

Jack presses the mouse button and a loud sound comes from the speakers. He hops back and then looks over at Hoff.

"What the ****? Dude, you got to turn down the sound when you finish jacking off."

Hoff rolls his eyes.

"**** you. I wasn't jacking off."

The sound is turned down to a normal range and we hear a woman moan.

"Oops, wrong video."

Jack looks at him knowingly, but Hoff tries to maintain his innocence.

"I wasn't jacking off!"

Jack gets up and heads back to the couch.

"Yea, sure you weren't. There's five minutes till CSI. I'll watch it tomorrow."

Hoff sits down, defeated.

"Don't we got a match tomorrow?"

"Naw, its Sunday."

Hoff closes Windows Media Player and scans the files in the folder with his eyes.

"Yea, but we got some tough competition, right?"

Jack ignores him, continuing to flip through the channels.

"Right?"

Jack turns around and puts his arm on the top of the couch. In the background you can still see the channels changing.

"Huh?"

"Our competitors. I heard that they're like way out of our league."

Jack shakes his head slightly and stares at Hoff.

"They're good. Some would even say great. But compared to me and you, Jack n' Hoff - well, they'll look ordinary."

Hoff closes the folder and spins the chair around placing his hands on top of his head to relax.

"Score!"

"You find more porn?"

Hoff gives a sarcastic chuckle.

"No, idiot. I'm just saying that if they're good that'll give us a chance to prove that we belong in this Tag Team Championship tournament."

"I forgot that you have a years supply of porn that you haven't watched yet."

"I've seen the view count on your files, so I wouldn't be talking Mr. Backdoor Barbie viewed 35 times the past week."

Jack tosses an empty water bottle at Hoff.

"Liar."

"Ha! So what else do you know about these two?"

Jack looks at his watch and then at Hoff.

"Well one is a World champion and the other is her boss."

Hoff nods as if to say "ah."

"Ah."

"But I'm not worried, man. We've been teaming together for something like 6 years now. I know you, you know me. We gel as a team. It's not like we're going to be at a disadvantage. We are naturally a tag team, they are not."

"Yea, that does cut our way, doesn't it?"

Jack turns back to the television as a commercial for CSI says that it is "coming up next."

"You bet. Now how about you let me watch CSI."

"How do we stack up against them though?"

Jack turns back around and holds out his hands.

"Let's just say for time's sake that we're in the middle, okay? But that's okay because they're not a tag team per se. Now let me watch CSI. Go back to ja..."

Hoff throws the water bottle back at Jack and it hits him in the back of the head. Thankfully it is empty.

"So its Lindsay Troy."

"Me and you."

"So Lindsay Troy. Jack 'n Hoff."

"And Dan Ryan."

Hoff sits there contemplating.

"So Lindsay Troy-"

"Jack 'n Hoff-"

"-and Dan Ryan."

Hoff turns, his eyes hinting at his annoyance.

"Yes."

Hoff still looks to be thinking.

"Lindsay Troy. Jack 'n Hoff. Dan Ryan."

Hoff rolls his eyes and turns back to the television as the theme for CSI starts.

"Lindsay Troy. Jack 'n Hoff. Dan Ryan."

"Sounds good to me, now shut it."

Hoff turns back to his computer and opens up Google. He types in Lindsay Troy Jack 'n Hoff Dan Ryan and hits enter.

 

[QueenOfTheRing]

Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?

"Yeah, this is going to be fun."

Fade-in: Lindsay Troy, her body half-turned away from the camera with her arms folded over her chest. She scoffs at the camera, offering a smirk as well.

"In a world where Rabesquedor had trouble getting a T-shirt to fit over his big, inflated head in order to try the 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" shtick, I'm now faced with the daunting task of carrying Lenny and George to some semblance of a respectable match.

"Oh, whatever will I dooooo! They're bombarding me with porn allusions! I just don't know how Dan Ryan and I will be able to function as a teeeeeeeam!"

The Queen feigns a look of near-faint, then begins to fan herself with her hand...before flipping the camera the finger in one fluid motion.

"Do me a favor, f*ckleshucks...stop talking, zipper your pants back up and try both sets of hands at Foxworthy's new car wreck. I think that show's a little more your speed, what with your oh so CLEVER team name and all.

"Next to you, white bread looks extraordinary.

"I get it. Really, I do. You make the cutesy references and drop a tagging timeline to try and create some credibility out of thin air, like it'll make a bit of difference in the long run. Then the Stupidity Circle comes all 'round and we're right back where we started from.

"Do we wheel out the trained monkey next? What's on the agenda after that? Interpretive dance?

"Your banal and naive existence only proves that every tournament needs warm bodies for fodder. I'm sure you'll throw a few punches and maybe try a suplex or two, but Wrestling 101 says that jobbers never hit their finishers. Luckily for Dan and I, we don't seem to have that problem. Six years tagging together doesn't mean sh*t when you've got a combined twenty-plus years in the business and are family to boot.

"Or didn't Googlesearch come up with that bit of info for you? Pity. You could have saved some energy for when you get winded in the ring trying to keep pace with me.

"It shouldn't be too hard for you two to figure out that the humiliation is only going to get worse once we bring it to you. It's what Colbert calls "putting you On Notice." When this is all said and done, you'll finally realize that thinking you had an icicle's chance in Hell of moving on only meant you were f*cking yourselves."

Fade...

 

[TrevorCane]

Now I'm Confused...

The single shot camera turns the corner where Jack Hill and Jack Hoff, known as Jack n' Hoff, sit on opposite ends of the couch in their flat. The television is on: Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?

"PARAGUAY!"

Jack turns to Hoff, a wide grin on his face. The woman standing on the television stands there thinking.

"I'm going to go with (pause) Ivory Coast."

".... YOU ARE CORRECT!"

Hoff laughs.

"You weren't even on the right CONTINENT."

Jack's face reddens. He hits the remote and the television turns off.

"That show is bull**** anyway."

Hoff reaches for the remote.

"It's not my fault."

He turns to the camera.

"Jack is not smarter than a 5th grader."

As Hoff's hand comes down on the remote, Jack snatches it.

"Plus, my mind is elsewhere."

"Oh really? Like on how Paraguay got to South America?"

Jack punches him in the arm.

"No idiot. I am just confused, you know?"

"Oh boy. About what?"

Jack looks down at the remote, rubbing his fingers over the buttons.

"Well, for starters, here I thought we were facing the Inner Circle on Raucous. Not the Stupidity Circle."

"I don't think th-"

"That's what I'm saying! I don't know what to think! Maybe this is some sort of mind game that Troy is playing? Making us think that they're actually the Inner Circle, but then try to swerve us with this Stupidity Circle stuff. She's a crafty one."

Hoff rolls his eyes. He's become used to this sort of naivity from Jack.

"Where is Dan Ryan? Is this another swerve that Stupidity Circle is planning? As it stands right now, it's only Lindsay Troy, Jack n' Hoff! That's no fun without Dan Ryan!"

Hoff can't handle it anymore and finally flings a couch pillow at Jack. Jack evades the flying object by ducking to his right, causing it to smash the lamp off the table behind them.

"Good going, numbnuts! Now you have to pay for that."

Hoff looks at Jack.

"It was my lamp."

Jack nods it off.

"That's beside the point. Stupidity Circle has something up their sleeves and I don't like it."

"Then why don't you call Dan Ryan up yourself and ask him? Better yet, call Troy."

"That's a great idea!"

He reaches over to the end table where the lamp, and the phone, sat. He looks down at the empty end table.

"You knocked the phone over, too!"

Hoff thinks about grabbing the other couch pillow, but decides against it.

"I was kidding anyway."

"It'd be better if Ryan didn't show, I guess."

"No ****."

"Just think about it. Jack 'n Hoff would be all over Lindsay Troy! Stupidity Circle will be out in the first round!"

Hoff nods.

"It's going to happen my man. Inner Circle is as good as out."

Jack smiles, turning the television back on with the remote. He quickly turns to Hoff as the shot begins to cut.

"NO! They almost fooled you."

Jack holds up a fist.

"I'll make sure you pay for causing my partner to slip up. Your days in this tournament are numbered, Stupidity Circle!"

The single camera shot fuzzes to noise as we see Hoff toss his head back in complete disbelief as Jack looks intent on carrying out his promise.

 

[DBrunkGXW]

FADE IN.....

Dan Ryan in his flat - ERRRR - sprawling ranch outside Houston. He's leaning back on a thick leather couch, legs outstretched and crossed at the ankles and hands folded behind his head.

Ryan: "So, clever wordplay eh? That's the game this week? Sorry I couldn't make an appearance in Lindsay's first effort but while she was out on tour I was catching a quick weekend off after a busy Friday night. But here we are....together again."

Ryan smiles as Lindsay Troy walks into view and sits on the arm of the chair...

"I can't help but like a couple guys whose entire purpose for living seems to be the amusement of the prepubescent boys in the audience."

"In all seriousness, I've never had to wrestle masturbation before. An interesting concept. So tell me, which of you is playing Abbot and which is Costello? Does the comedy career pay better than your wrestling careers? Does it bring you more success? How goes the comedy circuit?"

"We're overwhelmingly expected to win this match, guys. Let's just state the fact. And everyone knows that you two are just a cutesy little comedy team thrown to the wolves. You know it. We know it. Everyone's fine with that. What we're not fine with is having to face a comedy team that isn't...you know....funny."

"Is Stupidity Circle the joke?"

"Really?"

"So you two snake charmers just go around the world putting on skits, knocking things over and dropping double entendres into wrestling interviews and people get a good laugh, you go to the ring, throw a hiptoss or two and generally make every fan of fifties style comedy giggle like Beau Michaels at an all-male production of West Side Story..." (Ryan nods mock-approvingly) "..Very nice."

"Hell guys, I liked Abbot and Costello too. But can either of them get up from my powerbomb? That's the question. Tell me a joke that's funny so I can have a good hearty belly laugh before I kick your teeth in. It's always fun when the prey entertains the predator."

"More importantly, I'm much more interested in getting this tournament underway. You two are wasting most everyone's time with your very presence and the threat of missing out on this scintillating conversation with you is the only thing that kept me from nursing my migraine back to my room and sleeping it off until time to catch my plane."

"Catch the sarcasm, because I'm laying it on pretty thick."

"You two keep having happy time. Soon enough, you can see what happens when professional wrestlers go to the ring and do what they get paid to do."

"I'm as well known as I am for a reason. I don't suffer morons like you often without giving you a permanent physical reminder of the reality of cutting cute little one liners in the week prior to a matchup with me."

Troy:: (Interjecting) "Think of the phrase 'grasping for straws' and there's a mental picture of these two chuckleheads coming out of the blackness."

"I wasn't exactly expecting balloons and streamers and the whole fanfare upon our arrival, but the cakewalk certainly is nice. Remind me to send LaRoque a thank-you card."

"You do know what this is all about, right? This match against us? It's the equivalent of a performance review gone horribly wrong. You bombed during your first outing and now, the boss is foregoing probation and just throwing you to the Human Resources wolves. Fail again, and there'll be a neon-bright pink slip taped to the front of your computer. So long and don't forget to tip your waitress."

"Maybe after you realize that the whole 'comedy thing' isn't working out so well for you, you can join the circus as the Roadkill Twins after you get steamrolled at Raucous."

"Now, if you don't mind, I'm going back outside to continue to build the brick wall in Dan's backyard so I can bang my head against it. I figure a cracked skull would be more bearable than this tripe."

Troy walks out of the room, leaving Dan alone with the camera. Ryan watches her leave incredulously, then yells after her...

Ryan: "You're leaving me alone with these two?"

Troy: (off-camera) "Hey man, I weathered the first wave alone. Big guy like you should have nooooo trouble."

Ryan: "Gahh!"

"Guys...." (Ryan, shaking his head sadly) "..I'm gonna let this thing end here. Good luck to you, and might I add that a prayer that Lindsay actually cracks her skull might be worth a shot. Otherwise - this may be worse than the time Wong-Pei and Hans teamed up for a charity shot against The Professionals."

Ryan visibly shudders...

"Me? I'm gonna pass on the skull fracture. You two are just another couple of guys to run over full steam. One more time, one more day, one more dollar - and for me? One more shiny gold belt to add to my collection."

"Welcome to your future as a Dan Ryan footnote."

"Hope you enjoy the ride."

FADE OUT....​