Blackness fills the entire screen.....then....
This segment brought to you by Excedrine Migraine .
Fade in to Dan Ryan at his home in Houston, Texas for Christmas. Ryan has a bag that's been partially packed. A Christmas tree stands tall in the room, lights and decorations all over. Light from the day after Christmas sunrise streams in through the windows in the front room.
"So I go to Boston, take a look around and get the lay of the land. I check out the arena, look at the itenerary for Superbowl of Wrestling and I catch a flight back home for Christmas weekend."
"It was a good one. Friends, what family I have left...all over for some relaxation, some food. Good times."
"And here I am, a few hours shy of my plane flight back up to Massachusetts to take care of business and I'm anxious. Nervous even. Mentally unstable a bit perhaps..."
"Psycho, you know what I'm speaking of. Hell, mentally unstable is your thing ain't it?"
"But I'm not mentally unstable for the same reasons you are."
"You're the geeky kid who turns to self-mutilation to feel alive. You're a comic book nerd and a video game nerd all rolled up in one. You're the guy who wasn't invited to a prom, wasn't given a thing for Christmas...ever."
"You woke up in a ditch, not sure why. Family left you, you couldn't afford pants. But on a plus note, you finally won master status at Everquest."
"You're like Eddie Mayfield without the wrestling skill or logic. You're like Einstein without the pesky intelligence holding you back."
"You're all these things and more...and yet none of them."
"For me, to make me anxious and unstable you need not dig into my psyche and analyze what happened to my relationship with my mother."
"To understand my current state of mind you need not dissect my childhood, my hopes and dreams, aspirations unfulfilled...."
...you need only listen to you talk for five minutes. Just five. I'm not even asking people for a full quarter-hour. I'm not asking for even ten."
"It takes only five minutes of listening to your achingly painful monologues to give the most kind and tolerant of wrestlers or wrestling fans a migraine so mind numbingly painful that they would willingly choose repeated slams in the temple with a ice pick as an alternative."
"Psycho, who talks like you do? Really, and who thinks like that?"
"Am I some mental delinquent you picked up at some local wrestling school that you think you're gonna talk yourself in circles and come off as saying something meaningful?"
"You make accusations and I discuss them, and I'm the one grasping for straws? You claim victory in things where you failed miserably and smile while the world scratches it's head collectively and wonder what the f*** you're talking about?"
...Alaina go now?"
"I don't know why that's supposed to make you look any better, considering it ended up costing you later. Truly you are an evil genius."
"And you already mentioned how you failed to nab Lindsay, didn't you? Then later, you failed to keep her from jacking you up...and you failed to keep me from cracking your skull and pinning you."
"It seems to me the only thing you're very good at is failing
. And in failing
, you truly are a mastermind. For my friend, when it comes to failing
you are without a doubt a notch above the rest. Of all of the failures
, you are definitely the best of that group
"And why shouldn't you be? With the brilliant sexual jokes that kill on the playground? It's absolutely freakin' genius of you to reach back to those glory days, the time way back when, the moment in time when after years of torment from the other kids, who just didn't appreciate your autographed copy of Wham!'s 'Make it Big' album you brought for show and tell, you finally saw a Richard Pryor show and busted out the sexual innuendo as a comeback at recess."
"It killed didn't it? Then you stabbed poor little Jimmy with a plastic fork and got sent to the short bus. But at least you finally fit in...at least you finally fit in."
"It truly cuts to the deepest recesses of my soul, Psycho when you say such things. Whoever said words could never hurt me...never had to feel the sting of the various women grabbing my tiny balls insult."
"Is there a way I can just give up now? Because your comebacks make me just wanna start tapping away at the arm of my chair right here in Houston."
"And this master plan, Psycho....seriously, good luck with that. It's been going smashingly so far."
"Your...." (Ryan holds up fingers in a quote manner)
"..secret weapon? The person who's coming to ringside with you in the cage match we have here? I know exactly
who it is. You couldn't be more transparent if you had the person's name tattooed on your forehead. Not to mention, some people aren't very good at keeping secrets."
"And it's funny how you seem to think that your little weapon is gonna have such an effect on this match, but Lindsay won't. Is that the vaunted Psycho logic again?"
"Tell you what, sport. Your name is Psycho. So from now on, why don't you try to stick with breaking things, hitting people, sitting naked Indian style while eating a Twix and whatever else nutsos do in their spare time, and leave the evil plans to those of us who know the difference between a dips**t like you who cheats then says another man only beat you because he cheated, and a man like me who doesn't give a damn whether he wins cheating or fairly....as long as he wins."
"I'll cheat you and rip your f**king arms off, and not apologize for it, buddy. And if you do the same, the more the merrier. The biggest difference between us? You're a f**king moron, and I'm intelligent. And I don't know how any sane or intelligent person could sit here and listen to your imbecilic ass. If I were locked in a room with you for ten minutes, I'd stab myself in the face. I'd have to before your personality oozed all over me and made me second in command of the idiot ship."
"Truth be told, this match is about making the WFW North American Title mean something. It's about making it special again. Do you think having you as the champion says anything positive about this company at all?? Can you seriously believe for one second that I won't do whatever it takes to make sure the belt goes to someone who can hold it with some dignity and dare I say it...the ability to walk and chew gum at the same time? Or...a guy who thinks 'The sound of one hand clapping' would be good zen masturbation slang?"
"You won't win this match, Psycho. That's a guarantee. I won't guarantee that I will, but I can guarantee that you won't. Whether Sean takes it or whether Arco takes it...it won't be you."
"And if you surprise someone and get out with that belt...well hell, let's just use your logic....it'll be because I let you...." (Ryan smiles)
"...it'll be because I wanted you to have it. It'll because it's part of my master plan."
(Ryan stops smiling)
"It'll be because I'm so f**king brilliant that my plan entails getting my ass kicked and losing
"Hell..." (Ryan shrugs)
"..it's a nice way of covering my ass if I'm not good enough...."