Re: Superbowl of Wrestling: CCP vs. Rabesque & Johnson vs. OSS vs. Psycho & Noble She
(FADEIN: Joey Melton in front of an WFW SuperBowl Of Wrestling backdrop.)
MELTON: I guess the only saving grace of my WFW contract is that it’s not like life insurance. I’m not paying for it on a monthly basis. But, let’s be real, you can tell WFW time by six-month appointments to have your teeth cleaned.
V/O: None of these characters get their teeth cleaned.
(Melton stops in mid-sentence, annoyed that he’s been cut off.)
(DRAG CUTTO: Mike Randalls in a lotus position off-camera watching Melton cut his promo.)
MELTON: DAMN YOU MIKE, DAMN YOU ANIMAL. What have we said about interrupting master?
(CUTTO: Back on Joey.)
Still, I’m legally liable to be here for seven more shows. SEVEN! I imagine the last will coincide with my Hall of Fame induction. For those too cheap to invest in a digital recorder, or people like Red who don’t fully trust the technology we have the WFW. The story of our lives on record. Hell, last show Dan Ryan was a single man. Tonight, he’s a father of four. But, it’s nice to see somethings don’t change over time. Such as WFW’s steadfast refusal to drug-test. To become Tag Champions the message is clear, one must first taste the herpes flower.
How do we do this, boys?
When does Anarky come in and punk me?
Just be gentle with the heroin injections, I’m on quite a lot of prescription medication, but it’s the organic face cream, and **** Mike gives me to keep my dick erect for a tenth straight hour that I worry about conflictions with. Lose the innocence off this face and soon I’ll be drumming Garbage lyrics for inspiration and doing run-ins for Doc Silver. Yes, Doc was kind enough last week to cash my A1E check for me…
(CUTTO: Melton in a Temple surrounded by monks. They all kneel at the foot of a Golden Throne where Doc Silver sits.)
MELTON: Sir, I was told you could do something with this…American currency would be swell. I went to 4 different banks, twice I was thrown out, one time the teller went into a fit of swearing when she saw the name on the check, the third time I had police called and barely got out alive. Sure, it’s pink, and scented, but…people eat there. I’ve seen it! This should’ve cashed.
(Melton nervously hands Silver his A1E check, as Doc lets out a Jabba like laugh.)
DOC: (looking it over) They screwed you didn’t they.
MELTON: Well, I might’ve big-timed it…a little.
DOC: Hush child, hush. Here’s your reward.
(Silver snaps his fingers and two women bring out a gift certificate.)
MELTON: (in shock) A $50 gift certificate to Best Buy? But, ****, that’s fifty….
MELTON: Damn charity. I knew I should not have…you know (Melton stands up in protest) I once gave a kid a coat…
(CUTTO: Back to Melton.)
MELTON: A poor habit mentioning other companies, but hell, how many World Titles do we have being defended in this place? ****’s like King Tut. Passed off from one thankless museum to the other. You know, he wasn’t really murdered. He slipped. Got lazy. Signed a bad contract and wasted years of his life counting from 10 to 0 in eight-month intervals. ****, what am I doing here? Sweet Suzy Sunshine make it rain…help me….
2nd V/O: Poor baby, by the time your ten matches are up, you won't be able to hide your wrinkles anymore.
(CUT-TO: Lindsay Troy, in a tight sports-bra and yoga pants, meditating next to Randalls. Mike steps into frame, shakes Melton, then SLAPS him.)
RANDALLS: There is no reward to the Falcon who cannot complete his race.
MELTON: (pauses. Wtf) Riiiiiiiiiight.
RANDALLS: Seriously, gimme a dollar I gotta **** then grab a bite.
MELTON: NO! Last time I gave you a dollar the Nevada desert didn’t see rain for a month.
RANDALLS: It was an injun grave!
MELTON: Shaddup you. It's quite enough thank you, that you have Troy chanting before bed every time to calm her inner demons. Inner peace, whoohoo. She used to be a ****ing moaner, guys like me NEED that, now Lindsay's trance like state has me wondering when and if she ever cums. You've taken the woman's orgasm from me! DAMN YOU! (Randalls slaps Joey again.) Come on…I gotta finish this. There’s a chance this card could actually happen. (to the camera dudes) Yeah, I trust you’ll just edit all this out, huh? You’re probably happy just to see a paycheck again. Pity the day you found out UPS starts you off part-time. In three, two……. The Superbowl of Wrestling. It’s been a while since I’ve been in one of these. Why just last month…
(CUE dreamy, wave like static…..as we slowly fade to….)
(CUTTO: Seconds later, Melton cutting a WFW promo.)
MELTON: The Superbowl of Wrestling. Cameron Cruise and I, gonna do a little dance, make a little love, and we are gonna get DOWN that aisle and back it up again with the WFW World Tag Belts! Halleluiah and AMEN! Now, a little birdy tells me there’s three other teams in this thing, but let’s be honest these belts belong to the CAMERON CRUISE PROJECT! I have as my partner, one of the sexiest men in professional wrestling, and also the only man...yes ONLY man EVER to pin Beast and a Playboy Centerfold in the same month.
Ryan and Beast. You were worthy opponents, but in the end, two birth defects and genetic engineering don’t make a right. Why am I smarter than the average bear? Because I chose to be a team with Cameron Cruise, not get embarrassed by him in the center of the ring. Sadly, Cruise couldn’t be here, and there is a hole, a deep, deep hole in my heart having to talk for him, but hey…this way, my words aren’t slurred, and cats aren’t tuning in because they ****ing understand the content. I.E. Melton’s not dumbed down.
The bottom line is…at the Superbowl of Wrestling, THE SINGLE GREATEST TAG TEAM ALIVE TODAY, the CAMERON CRUISE PROJECT will become the WFW Tag Team Champions. And as an added bonus, Cruise and I have been in the gym non-stop…well…three hours out of the week, perfecting our new finishing move.
THE MERCEDES BENDS.
Your turn to talk now, although, I’ve already sold this match plenty.