Sheeeeooooommm
(Cueup: "Danger! High Voltage!" by the Electric Six)
(Fade in on a large, bare brick wall. After a few seconds of nothing, Copycat walks in-shot. He wears jeans, his trademark beret, and a WWL "Smartest Player in the Game" T-shirt with duct tape tactfully obscuring the league logo. Copycat turns to face the camera, calm with hands behind his back, but says nothing; he is apparently looking at something behind the camera, and not the camera itself. He says nothing. After a moment, Copycat dodges to his left as a water balloon flies in-shot, misses him, and splatters against the brick wall. Copycat resumes his calm pose. A few moments later, he ducks as another water balloon flies over his head and splatters against the brick wall. Continuing to keep a wary eye on whatever is behind the camera, Copycat begins to speak)
Copycat: Well now. My opponent, a Mr. Thundahhhh, fancies himself something of an enigma. And he's willing to go to whatever ridiculously excessive lengths necessary to prove it. In addition to the clichè elements I discussed when last we met...the cat-violence, the storm references, et cetera...it seems he's even willing to do the unthinkable. The absolutely inconvCEIVEable. He decided to take a potshot at the way I do my promos. Oh, the humanity.
(Copycat chuckles)
Copycat: The irony, though, is that Thundahhhh and I are not so very different in the basic way we do promos. It's only in the specifics that we begin to differ. We both try to make some sort of point via our settings, and we both analyze the words of our opponents...so it's somewhat similar. Where things get different is that typically, when I do these things, they're done effectively, whereas in Thundahhhh's case, the result is overdramatic and comical. More comical than mine, in my opinion...but then the jokes never seem as funny when you're the one telling them, so I don't know that my opinion is too valid here. I just find it ironic that Thundahhhh, for all his attempts to discredit humor as a useful tool, is actually a pretty amusing guy when he tries to be serious.
(Copycat ducks again as another water balloon sails over his head)
Copycat: Now, Thundahhhh made it very clear that he thinks there's something wrong with my simply DASTARDLY act of analyzing his words. From the way he analyzed mine, we might be led to believe that's only because he himself is not very good at it, but I won't jump to conclusions. Let's see now...what else was I called...? It's so hard to keep track. I mean, the entire promo was basically just one long string of silly insults, no real SUBSTANCE to it, so obviously that's a lot of insults to keep track of. But if I'm not mistaken, I believe I was called boring, not funny, egotistical, small-minded, disappointing, unoriginal...even the dreaded seventh-grade insult, a "puss." I'm hurt.
(Copycat wipes away an imaginary tear, then sidesteps another water balloon)
Copycat: I'd address some of your actual words, Thundahhhh, but you essentially repeated everything you said the last time, so there wouldn't be much of a point in that. Besides, I did a little too much of that the last time. I'll explain why a little bit later, but not before I address some of the stuff you DIDN'T say out loud...the misconceptions you so obviously have about me.
(Copycat rubs his palms together)
Copycat: You see, Thundahhhh, like a lot of people I've faced in the past year or two, you judge me entirely based on my performance in the aforementioned league where we've supposedly "crossed paths" before, although I have to say if you WEREN'T one of the people I beat then we must not have "crossed paths" because I beat EVERYONE I "crossed paths with" then. But the point is that the light-hearted prankster you knew then is the only image of me you can conjure up. If you'd done your homework, you'd know that there's been some significant evolution since then, from a well-known but difficult-to-take-seriously tag team competitor to one of the most sought-after singles competitors in the business. The humorous aspect is still there, of course...it's a lot more subtle than it used to be, but you didn't really pick up on that, I notice.
(Copycat ducks another water balloon)
Copycat: What you're doing, Thundahhhh, is something that has cost opponents COUNTLESS matches against me. You're underestimating me. You don't take me seriously, and as a result, you have NO idea how to deal with me. There are a number of reasons, Thundahhhh, why I haven't lost a match in well over a year, not the least of which is the fact that people like you consistently underestimate me. Now, some of the Cat Lovers watching this out there might think me foolish for pointing this out to you, thinking that it will result in your taking me more seriously...but experience has shown me that even when I warn people that not taking me seriously will result in their defeat, they still don't do it. I doubt that even giving you THAT warning will change your mind...but hey, I'm not going to complain about an easy victory. Now THAT would be truly foolish.
(Copycat grins)
Copycat: I must admit I went a little overboard on the sarcasm in my last promo, Thundahhhh, but there's a reason for it. Y'see, typically, once I listen to my opponent's words, I can psychoanalyze him pretty well. Once I've got your mindset down, I am, for all intensive purposes, unbeatable. The reason I didn't psychoanalyze YOU the last time, Thundahhhh, is because in order to do so, I need to have a glimpse at the way you think. But nothing in your last promo indicated to me that you have a mind of your own...and if you don't have a mind of your own, how can I analyze it? Your newest promo has mainly been more of the same, of course. You even used the most contrived, overused clichè in the "dark, brooding monster" faction of the wrestling business today...playing Rob Zombie. And you even had the audacity to call it "good music."
(Copycat shudders)
Copycat: I really thought the musical tastes of the average American were going up when I read that Fred Durst stormed offstage at a recent concert because all the fans were heckling him and throwing things at him, and you just HAD to go and ruin that, didn't you Thundahhhh? Thank God MY promo is going to be set to decent music. But I digress. Point is, while you still insist on being as mainstream and unoriginal as possible - while humorously referring to yourself as "creative," I might add - I'm slowly but surely figuring out just what makes you tick. Every time you open your mouth, I learn a little bit more, and it won't be long before I can predict your every move.
(Copycat grins widely)
Copycat: And WHY will I be able to read you so well, Thundahhhh? Because I'll have ALL the details down. I don't let the little things escape me. And you'll find all that out for yourself at Spirit of NGEN. You think you've got my routines down, Thundahhhh, but you have no idea. Do you know why? It's because where I ANALYZE, you just FIXATE. You won't get very far just focusing on the most obvious and familiar aspects, Thundahhhh. Because when you fixate too much on what you think is the the most important stuff...
(A water balloon flies from offscreen and nails Copycat square in the face. He freezes for a moment, then wipes the water from his eyes, shakes as much off as he can, and looks back at the camera)
Copycat: ...the things you miss might do you in. I'm sure the repetitive tone of your promos and your dismissive attitude toward me won't change, Thundahhhh, but just remember your Miranda Rights. Anything you say CAN and WILL be used against you. At Spirit of NGEN, you'll finally figure out just WHY I am the Smartest Player in the Game, and why you have a lot to learn if you want to achieve even the TINIEST fraction of the success I've achieved. And that, my underestimation-fancying friend, is just all there is to it.
(Fade out)
