Special Event: Contract Signing

[TheOriginalSE]

I figured .. if SHAWN HART and JONATHAN MARX (c) wanted a place where they could post little diddies that would build up the event .. they could put it here.

You don't have to .. but I figure this might be cool if you guys wanted to add some heat to the contract signing.

The deadline for any promo for the contract signing is 11:59pm PST on TUESDAY, December 19th. Angles sent to secandido@san.rr.com ...

 

[ShawnHartXXX]

Time for a Song Parody!!!

FADE IN: The Phenom of NEW, Shawn Jessica Hart, PhD. is dancing (semi)nude in a wild meadow on a sunny day.

HART: "This is a song.... for the Princeton Kid... Gentleboy... Jonathan Marx..."

Suddenly, the familiar tune of a famous song originally performed by a certain shaggy-haired, British band from the 60's begins to play and the Softcore Soul-jah breaks into song...

HART: "Dear Princeton, won't you come out to plaaaay?
Deeeear Princeton, your mom's a damn fine laay-uh-hey-heeeeyy!!
My wang is up, she's in the mood...
It's beautiful, vagina stew...
Deeeeear Princeton... this is what I say!"

Computer-generated butterflies flutter about as Hart basks in their warmth.

HART: "Dear Princeton... she opened up my fly-uh-hy...
Dear Princeton, mama gave me a riii-uh-hi-riiiiiiise!!!
The time has come... to hit the ring.
I'll wrap you up... with chicken wings
Dear Princeton... time to meet your demise!"

Suddenly, Shawn's sister Felicia interjects

FELICIA: "Look around-round!"

As does former Love Connection host Chuck Woolery?!

WOOLERY: "Look around-round-ROUND.... in two and two..."

FELICIA: "Look around..."

Chuck Woolery takes Felicia by the hand as the CG extends to rainbows that magically surround them. In the meantime, SJH continues his sonnet.

HART: "Dear Priceton... the Phenom's goin' buck-wild...
Dear Princeton... b(FCC)tchin' like a child.
The clouds will be... a daisy chain.
When I am through... you'll be in PAIN!
Dear Princeton, consider this your trial...

Dear Princeton, won't you come out to play-uh-heeeey?
Dear Princeton, greet the brand new daaaaaaay!
The time has come... for something new...
I'm BEAUTIFUL... and you are THROUGH!!
Deeeeeeearest Princeton, this is what I saaaaaaay!!!"

The Phenom joins the dance and the trio begins to circle a CG leprechaun as both the music and the picture begin to FADE...

 

[PaulNJ21]

The Birth of Marx


::Arthur, Jonathan, and Brandon Jacobs are all sitting around the twinkling Christmas tree in the library, sipping hot chocolate on a cold winter’s night at the mansion, as Christmas music plays in the background:::

ARTHUR MARX: Brandon, has Jonathan ever told you the story of his birth and the hell he put us through?

BRANDON JACOBS: What story?

JONATHAN MARX: It is so fantastical, that I wouldn’t even believe if Mom didn’t insist it was true. But we don’t need to bore anyone with long stories…

BRANDON JACOBS: I’m still trying to get Shawn Hart’s damn karaoke out of my head…. He is like Britney Spears without the boobies. … no redeeming value.

ARTHUR MARX: It all happened on a snowy winter’s night. There was a full moon out, but the clouds and the storm had all but blocked out the light. Jonathan’s mother Dianna was resting at our ranch when the contractions started to happen. There could have not been a worse night for it. But I was ready, I had chains on the wheels of the van, the bag was packed, and was ready…. Or so I thought…

BRANDON JACOBS: Uh oh…

ARTHUR MARX: This was the worst snowfall I have ever seen and back in the day, I had to travel the roads quite a bit. I couldn’t see more than seven feet ahead of me at a time. That is when it happened, we were ten minutes into the ride when the engine started to die and we barely could pull over to the side of the road before the van went dead.

BRANDON JACOBS: Out of gas?

ARTHUR MARX: Dianna thought it was, but I swear to god I filled the tank up just the day before. I think there was a leak somewhere in a hose.

JONATHAN MARX: The van was twenty years old. It doesn’t really need a reason to die all of a sudden.

ARTHUR MARX: Bah, back then, they built cars to last. It was still a blue chipper. But Dianna was in the back of the car, cursing me out for not buying a better… then everything got put in perspective, her water broke and we had to find someplace for her to give birth out of the elements.

BRANDON JACOBS: Mrs. Marx had to walk through the snow after her water broke?

JONATHAN MARX: Where do you think my toughness came from?

ARTHUR MARX: Dianna was so pure of heart, the other wrestlers always joked how I wound up with her. But Dianna the toughest mother ****er ever to walk the planet. I’ve went toe to toe with Noble Sheik, Pestillence, Mike Randalls, and Manson… nobody ever put the fear of God in me like she did.

JONATHAN MARX: Mom was a pacifist, but when she got riled up, she got it all out and god help anyone in her path.

ARTHUR MARX: I didn’t want to her get cold with the van not having heat, so I wrapped her in the towels and blankets and we started walking through the blustery snow looking for a place for Dianna to have birth. That is when through the snow Dianna saw a light and I thought she was delirious because I didn’t see it but I have learned trust Dianna instincts and I wasn’t about to disagree.

BRANDON JACOBS: What did she see?

ARTHUR MARX: She saw the light on a small bed and breakfast and we finally thought we were saved. It was run by this rude older French couple. I repeatedly banged on the door and asked for them to please let us in but they wouldn’t even open the door. When it became clear that they weren’t going to open the door, I wrote down their name on a piece of paper and put in on my pocket for later and we headed off down the road to try to find some other place to stay. One of these days I need to dig that out of my old trench coat and find out who that was.

BRANDON JACOBS: So that is where Jonathan’s irrational hatred for French people comes from…

ARTHUR MARX: The way Dianna cursed French people after that night, you would think they were Nazis.

JONATHAN MARX: It isn’t true, I don’t hate all French people. There are some fine people in NEW management that I love to death and I have spent some time abroad in Europe in Paris. I know that this was only an isolated case…. But the eyes of my mother, she thought and rightfully so that she put my life at risk and while she was a very forgiving soul, when it came to her children, when you wronged them, she held it against you for life.

ARTHUR MARX: Jonathan has a lot of his mother in him every time he defends the NEW World Heavyweight Title. He wants NEW to lead a second golden age of wrestling and he takes his responsibility as champion and leader seriously which is why he trains and fights as hard as he does to win. That is why it is an honor to him to take on one of the all time greatest WFW World Heavyweight Champions and help NEW’s legacy reach even farther than it does now by beating one of the all time greats. It was that fire that was in him and his mother that despite her being in labor, she continued a mile and a half down the road and then that is when we saw it.

BRANDON JACOBS: What did you see?

ARTHUR MARX: Somehow in all the snow and wind, the clouds broke and the moon lit up a red barn in the distance and we decided to head for shelter. I lit a lantern and made Dianna a bed of straw to lay down on and amongst the sheep and the goats, Dianna laid down and grabbed my hand and twenty minutes later Jonathan was born and I laid him in an empty trough I had found in the back of the barn. That is when the farmer who saw the lights in the barn came in and I asked him to call the doctor and gave him Chris Wink’s number, who was working for NGEN that night, to let them know a glowing Dianna had given birth and that she was okay. Later that night, Chris Wink, Earl of Doom, and Striker all braved the storm and came out to see us in the barn baring gifts. Doom brough over some cash and Wink and Striker were even thoughtful enough to bring incense in order to cover up the smell of the barn. Let me tell you something about having a child, they say until it actually happens to you, you can’t full put the experience into words, but even being the articulate man that I am, I can’t properly capture what I was feeling that night in mere words. Wink’s son was a couple of years earlier and there was a feeling amongst the wrestlers that our children were going to be the future of the sport and carry on our legacy as the saviors of the New Generation.

BRANDON JACOBS: What happened to them all?

ARTHUR MARX: You can teach the technical aspects of this sport, but those kids grew up in a much different world than we did and didn’t have the heart or desire that we did except for one.

JONATHAN MARX: I’m going to need all of that skill, heart, and desire to beat Shawn Hart.

ARTHUR MARX: Your mother wrote a poem about the New Generation and placed it in a bible. Why don’t you go get it and read it to Jacobs?

JONATHAN MARX: Sure, let me get out my reading glasses… oops… ::Marx drops his reading glasses on the floor::

BRANDON JACOBS: Let me get them…

JONATHAN MARX: No wait… ::gets up suddenly::

BRANDON JACOBS: ::Jacobs moves out of Marx’s way and steps on Marx’s reading glasses:: Did I just hear something go crunch?

JONATHAN MARX: This is not a good sign, I only have one pair and there is no way I can get another one before the contract signing.

ARTHUR MARX: Shawn Hart is an honest man. I’m sure you don’t have anything to worry about. ::cackles::

JONATHAN MARX: I’m so screwed.

FTB

 

[ShawnHartXXX]

Promo

FADE IN: No bells, no whistles, no fancy set. Just the Phenom of NEW... Shawn Jessica Hart. With grit and determination in his eyes, he takes a deep breath and begins to speak directly into the camera.

HART: "Jonathan Marx, from what I can discern of your last promotional offering... history is something that's important to you. I don't think you would've let your old man yammer on like that about my mistress if it wasn't. Speaking of which, I'm not sure if the math figures out quite right, but maybe you and I should think about taking some DNA tests. I mean you DO look alot like my assh(FCC)le, so mebbe there's some kind of family resemblance there, eh? At any rate, I digress... the point I'm trying to make is that HISTORY is something we both value. As fate would have it, it's also something we have together... be it in our past matches or in the fact that you upset me in the playoffs of our fantasy football league, not that that really counts for anything. Honestly, who could've predicted that Drew Brees would have his one sucky week of the year when I was facing your Huxley Halfbacks team?! Hell, if you hadn't lucked out in the draft and landed LT, lord knows how your fantasy season would've turned out, but AGAIN... I digress. The matter at hand here is our budding rivalry: where it's been, where it is, and where it's going."

Hart begins to pace around the dark room.

HART: "A couple years ago in NFW, I cleaned your clock like Mr. Timex himself. I took your little hand - broke it in two, snagged your big hand - shoved it up your wazoo.... HELL, don't even get me started on your snooze button! ...Fast-forward TiVo-style to a couple WEEKS ago, it was I who fell prey to your Marxist ways in UCW. Again, I'm not a professor of analytical calculus... if there even is such a thing, but I think that victory evened the score for ya. 1 and 1, a split decision, with nary a hope of distinguishing just who among us is the men amongst boys in the industry.... until NOW!! Cuz in case you didn't notice, Shawn Jessica Hart, PhD., the newest sensation to hit our great nation, makin' girlies feel the Phenomulation, the PRIME MINISTER of GETTIN' SINISTER, first I spread mum's legs and then I FINISHED HER, aaaaaaaand so on and so forth, went into BattleBrawl with one goal, ONE PURPOSE: to win the damn thing and put that NEW heavyweight strap around my sweet, sensual belly. Needless to say, after going through like 8,000 other guys and wrestling for 5 and a half hours.... with a broken neck..... and a low sperm count..... I emerged VICTORIOUS - the numbah one contendah to yer belt, baby! Call it an outrage, call it a mockery, I call it the TRUTH!!"

He strikes a Michael Jackson pose, then pauses for a moment to reflect on his accomplishment.

HART: "...And after the contracts are signed this week, and the big match is booked, you can bet your bottom dollar that S-J-H is gonna pull out all the stops to pick up that 1-2-3. The limelight has eluded me for FAR too long. I mean, it's been 5 LONG YEARS since the Muff Daddy's been world heavyweight champion and now, with all the industry's eyes lookin' me square in the mug, and aaaaaall the stones falling into place, I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna pull a Jean Rabesque and let it go to waste! Now's the time, nnnnndaddio... the time for a NEW champ in NEW Era!!! You wanna talk about history? When I'm through with you, that's exactly what you'll be, brah. A side-bar to a footnote in the preface to the story of my title reign. I'M the MARY and YOU'RE the Rhoda! YOU'RE a set of sixes and I'M the ROYAL FLUSH, flushin' your fat ass right down the tubes with your career. They say we're signing a match contract, but when ya get right down to it... you're signing away your life, Princeton. Song parodies and shenanigans aside... I'm gonna HURT you. BAD. So bring your A-game... I'm BEGGIN' ya. That way at least I can get off on self-defense."

Suddenly a lawyer interjects, whispering some kind of legal advice into Hart's ear. The Phenom seems bewildered by whatever it is he's being told.

HART: "Uhhh, right.... well, apparently in-ring murder is a bit of a gray area when it comes to self-defense slayings, so how's about I just bust your face, break your limbs, and smash your balls? You don't seem to be putting any of 'em to good use anyway, so isn't it better just to put them outta commission? Cereally, if you could just rid yourself of this wretched wrestling career, you could finally put that Ivy League education to good use! Then again, the job market has never been too forgiving for 20th Century Feminist Literature majors, so mebbe you should stick to being my whipping boy. You'd be surprised at the kind of living you can make getting your ass kicked every night. Just ask the Washington Generals. But let us dispense with the verbal barbs for now. Just remember, at Raucous, you've got a date with destiny, my friend. MY destiny. The PHENOM, nay... the NEXT and newest champion of all EARTH... has left... the BUILDING!!!

FADE OUT

 

[PaulNJ21]

::Marx is sitting at a table in the dinner with Jacobs and eleven other trainees from his dojo for feast a bread, wine, and lamb::

Marx bites in a loaf a freshly baked Italian bread

JONATHAN MARX: Jacobs, I’m really starting to get annoyed at you. I had to call in a cater last minute today because I couldn’t read what you wrote on my schedule after you broke my damn glasses and it is nearly impossible to find a restaurant on short notice to feed these eleven beasts. I thought one of my men was going to turn on me and eat me alive with the way they were looking after I worked them to death today.

BRANDON JACOBS: That would never happen, you inspire loyalty and as the leader of the second golden age, these men believe in you.

JONATHAN MARX: I hope you are right. I wouldn’t want anything to go wrong with my match with Shawn Hart coming up… as senile as he seems to be getting.

BRANDON JACOBS: I still can’t believe he said it was five years since he was last World Heavyweight Champion. hawn Hart lost the WFW World Heavyweight Title at Merrython on 12/31/03 which is not even three years ago yet.

JONATHAN MARX: The WFW paid quite well and he partied quite hard. I can forgive him for that since I had forgotten our first match up in NFW Season One when I raked up 150 points, a record that still stands till this day. Shawn Hart was one of only two men to beat me that year, the first one being him, the second being Michael Manson. Ironically, it was an incredibly hard year for Shawn Hart but for that one night we faced, but he raised his game to the championship level that we have all seen and for that night, he was the Shawn Hart of old. I got goosebumps being in the ring with him, but I was young and wet behind the ears and while I had defeated Joey Melton and Jean Rabesque, facing a man who carried the legacy of the NGEN World Heavyweight Title by wearing the WFW World Heavyweight Title made me feel like a kid again watching my dad on TV.

BRANDON JACOBS: I remember, that was one of the rare times I ever saw you nervous.

JONATHAN MARX: I was in a very difficult situation, while I had to do battle with everything I had in order to beat the legend… but the same weakness that cost me against Manson cost me against Shawn Hart, I loved the man and I couldn’t subconsciously bear the thought of hurting him so I didn’t go all out like I needed to do.

BRANDON JACOBS: In a homosexual way?

JONATHAN MARX: No, there was no humbling involved, although I did use a suplex and a camel clutch in the match. But that is purely coincidental…

BRANDON JACOBS: Are you sure? Sometimes you remind me of him…

JONATHAN MARX: My Mom has been gone for ten years so if Shawn Hart did the nasty with a dead woman, he has issues… besides the obvious ones.

BRANDON JACOBS: He did compare himself to Mary Tyler Moore and you to Rhoda.

JONATHAN MARX: It is 2006. Have you seen Mary Tyler Moore? Time has not been good to her. I’d rather hit Bea Arthur.

BRANDON JACOBS: You are more of a man than I.

JONATHAN MARX: That is because I’m willing to go to hell and back for what I believe. This isn’t going to be like the first time I faced Shawn Hart, this time I am not going to have any inhibitions about giving him all that I have because I have found something I love more than Shawn Hart & Manson put together, the NEW World Heavyweight Title and carrying the banner for all those who want a second golden age of wrestling which will propel wrestling to its former glory and beyond to a level that we can’t even imagine. We cannot let the fight we raged against Jean Rabesque and Phantom Republican be for naught. Our journey has just begun and this is our time to stand up and fight and if it means having to get my hands dirty, hell, I would even hire Luster to rise up and cost Shawn Hart the title yet again. There is no trick I won’t pull off, there is no level I won’t go to… This is war and I’m with doing whatever it takes to get the job done.

FTB