Season's Greetings

[Packschmid]

(FADEIN: CSWA backdrop. CUEUP: Shrill, piercing alarm sound, as GUNS punches through the backdrop, destroying the CSWA logo. GUNS pushes his way through the hole in the backdrop, wearing an Intruders T-shirt.)

GUNS: 'Tis the season to be jolly, and after an "off season" which gave me a nice opportunity to work on my tan, Merritt's rallied the troops and is ready to give me more chances to beat people up. The only problem is - it's deja vu all over again, because I have to come to Raleigh, the by God capital city of North Carolina, and face... Dan Ryan?

Didn't we do this once before? I know, I know - the referee stopped the match because I did an acting job that would make Sir Laurence Olivier himself blush, but last time around, when it was all said and done, Dan Ryan was laying in a pool of his own blood and I was performing the CSWA signature act of abusing midgets. Now, I have to face Ryan again? Hey, Merritt, here's a tip...

you show re-runs in the off-season, not when you're putting on new first run television.

But, I guess after he saw what I did to Ryan last time around, he doesn't want to risk putting me in the ring with any "CSWA" guys - if worse comes to worse and I cripple Ryan, no skin off Merritt's nose. I haven't heard Dan Ryan talking lately, and I assume that the production department will have to provide him a braille transcript of this interview so he can respond. Don't worry, Dan - I'll take it easy on you in Raleigh...

but I do promise to make your seeing eye dog a souvenir for some lucky fan...

courtesy of Third Row, Inc.

 

[DBrunkGXW]

And a happy new year to ya

Cut to a nice shot of the inside of a nondescript training room, somewhere....who knows?....a sparring ring is in the center of the room...various punching bags in areas....free weights and treadmills...."The Ego Buster" Dan Ryan leans against the front of the ring, wearing a "Second Coming" t-shirt...and showing no sign of the eye injury sustained in his match with GUNS in October...

Ryan: "My my my, GUNS...how things stay the same hmm? How were your holidays, shorty?"

Ryan pauses a moment, nodding his head as if hearing a reply then raising his eyebrows.

Ryan: "Really? Playing naked tag with your midget friends...interesting. Do anything else of note?"

pause...

Ryan: "Nothing huh? I do apologize for not speaking more. You know how I love a little tete' a tete', but I have been rather busy. You see, a lot has changed over the last three months. The wound sustained as a result of your little fork attack, quaint though it ...was...healed up quite nicely. I know, right? Imagine a wound healing..."

Ryan rolls his eyes

Ryan: "I think I'd give Merritt a little more credit if I were you. We all saw your little display throwing the match to get your jab in, literally. Typical, I thought. I feel bad for you ironically. It's quite obvious that, having been owned verbally in every conceivable way...that you knew very well that you were in for a physical lesson as well. Way to save that Greensboro title, bro. Way to go, really. Not that I've been crying myself to sleep at night over not having a bottom of the rung title in my trophy case, but you did deprive me of the oppurtunity to take it to GXW Fallout and take a s**t on it during the main event. I guess I'll have to come up with other motivation now, won't I?"

Ryan reaches over and picks up a water bottle off of the apron and takes a drink.

Ryan: "In the meantime, I guess I'll have to settle for getting a little payback for the whole eye thing. And you? This time, you won't get by with a little acting job. This time...I'll make you scream...and BEG....for the ref to stop the match. And you'll realize finally that when it really matters....when you really FEEL your string and a bottle of piss slipping away...the only midget in that ring....will be YOU."

 

[Packschmid]

Next

(FADEIN: GUNS sitting in the living room of his San Antonio ranch, grinning.)

GUNS: Dan, Dan, Dan...nothing warms my heart more this holiday season than to know that your eye is feeling better...I was up nights worrying about it. Well, since you apparently won't be bringing a seeing eye dog to the ring to entertain your many fans (snickers), I guess I'll have to bite the bullet and toss your sorry ass out there instead.

You see, Dan, here's the thing - last time around, you talked the talk, you told the world how smart you were, and you said that you were going to take out my knee. Fine. You took your best shot, and you missed. You went after the knee, and I took you right where you were dying to go - but the thing is, Dan, it didn't take me three months worth of "off season" to heal any injuries you gave me. It took me all of three seconds to say "Surprise" and carve you up like a Thanksgiving turkey. You took the bait - hook, line, and sinker - and at the end of the day, I walked out of the ring while you were laying in a pool of your own blood.

You keep missing the point of my presence here, Dan - winning, losing, three counts, submissions - I've been there, I've done that, I've worn the T-shirt. When I came here to the CSWA, I said I was coming to tear this place down brick by brick. You don't do that by having a referee slap the mat three times and getting your hand raised...I'm not here for the thrill of victory anymore, Dan - I'm here to do what I want, when I want, to who I want. You and your little GXW goof troop had your little moment in the sun with that locker room attack, but you got paid back in spades at Primetime.

So now Merritt's sending you back for more, and once again the useless hunk of tin that represents the third largest city in the state of North Carolina is on the line. But we both know this has nothing to do with the belt - this has to do with fear. You see, despite this little CSWA/GXW promotional arrangement, you're still the most expendable commodity that Merritt's got. You're a GXW guy, you wear their colors, and if I embarrass you in the ring - if I poke your eye out with a fork - if I toss you into the third row and you land in some kid's lap - it's no skin off of Merritt's nose. You may think you're a big deal, Dan - you may think you're somebody, but I've been to the top of the mountain - I've seen, wrestled, and beaten all of the "somebodies" in this sport, and frankly, Dan - you're nobody. You're not special - you're not important - you're a tall guy with a T-shirt that reads "GXW" - that's it. If I take you out, somebody else can put on the shirt tomorrow and have the same effect.

There's been a million Dan Ryans come down the block, son...but there's only one GUNS...there's only one Strongest Arms in the World...there's only one Third Row, Inc. At in Raleigh, Dan, you get a second helping of greatness, but don't get used to it...I promise you won't get a third.

I'll leave the acting to your wife when she's in bed with you, Dan - this time, we'll play it straight up. No tricks, no forks, just you and me...may the best man win, and may your sorry ass end up as a souvenir for some lucky fan.