<i>(Cueup: Generic-sounding “TV entertainment news show” type music)</i>
<i>(Fade in on a studio set on a raised stage with a big screen reading “COMING ATTRACTIONS” in the background. In a director’s chair to the right of the screen is Copycat, clad in tan pants and a sweater vest with his hair tied back)</i>
<b>Copycat:</b> Hello, viewers, and welcome to <i>Coming Attractions</i>, your source for all you need to know about the entertainment industry. I’m your host, James Kattman. Today, we’ll be taking you on a whirlwind tour of <i>Green River Justice</i>, the upcoming production by director (mutters something incomprehensible) on the life and times of professional wrestler Layne Winters.
<i>(A triumphant-looking movie logo containing the words </i>Green River Justice<i> appears on the big screen in the background)</i>
<b>Copycat:</b> Yes, this unique competitor’s life story of triumph and tragedy is certain to be exciting. And in preparation for the release of this new production, Layne Winters has given a number of interviews on the topic.
<i>(The image on the big screen changes to a still frame of Tom Cruise jumping on the couch in his infamous Oprah appearance)</i>
<b>Copycat:</b> We’ll not subject you to watching them, but suffice it to say they consist mainly of him repeating the same points over and over again, making every effort to miss every cogent point thrown at him, and talking himself up like he’s accomplished anything of note recently besides being subject to the pants-crapping impact of a LitterBomb following a total embarrassment of a match against multiple-time world champion, top-billed Hollywood star and all-around paragon of pure, unadulterated awesomeness Copycat.
<i>(The image on the big screen shifts to an image of a triumphant-looking Copycat in wrestling gear standing over the supine body of a midget wearing ring gear similar in appearance to Winters’)</i>
<b>Copycat:</b> And as a special treat to both of his fans, he’s also recently put together a little production of his own, in which he has hired cut-rate actors who deserve better to portray people who don’t know who Copycat is despite his international acclaim, seeking to insult the intelligence of humanity in general by assuming viewers who’ve seen Copycat’s multiple television and film roles will believe Winters when he tells them those roles never existed. Our understanding is that the short film is titled, “Who Are You Going to Believe, Layne Winters or Your Lying Eyes?”
<i>(The image in the background shifts to a photo of Tom Sizemore shrugging his shoulders, with a photoshopped image of a Copycat poster in the background behind him)</i>
<b>Copycat:</b> Yes, it’s never a dull moment when Layne Winters is onscreen. Except when it is, which is all the time.
<i>(The image in the background shifts again, this time showing the poster for the movie </i>Contact<i>, but with Layne Winters photoshopping in where Jodie Foster should be)</i>
<b>Copycat:</b> That’s why we’re all so lucky that Winters will not be portraying himself in <i>Green River Justice</i>, thus ensuring all other actors will have a fair chance at this year’s Razzie Awards.
<i>(The screen now shows an image of Tom Green accepting one of his Razzies for </i>Freddy Got Fingered<i>)</i>
<b>Copycat:</b> So without further ado, we present to you my review of <i>Green River Justice</i>. Enjoy!
<i>(The background screen envelops the entire screen as a fake video-projector sound is played)</i>
<i>(Cueup: “Gonna Fly Now” from </i>Rocky<i>)</i>
<i>(Fade in on an image of a set of steps – maybe 10 of them – leading from the entrance to the main floor of what appears to be a shopping mall. After a moment’s pause, a figure in a gray hooded sweatshirt with writing and a number on the back jogs onscreen and starts climbing the steps at a run. The camera angle shifts to the top of the steps, where the figure pulls back his hood to reveal Copycat, sporting a bad blonde wig. He raises his arms in victory and turns his back to the camera, showing that it has the word “WINTERS” and the numeral “0” on it, sports jersey-style. As another mall patron walks by, Copycat turns his attention to her)</i>
<b>Copylayne:</b> I climbed those stairs, just like I said I would, you hear me? It took me years of blood and sweat and poor shoe traction to get to the top, but I did it! And admit it – that was the best stair-climbing you’ve ever seen!
<i>(The woman slowly backs away)</i>
<b>Copylayne:</b> HEY! Come the f(BLEEP)dge back here! I’m not fl(BLEEP)ping done talking about my g(BLEEP)shdarn accomplishments!
<i>(The image freezes)</i>
<b>Copycat (V/O):</b> This early scene really helps establish the character of Layne Winters and what motivates him. As you can see, he endeavors to take from even the most mundane of actions a sense of personal victory, and then share that victory with as many people as possible. It’s a continuing theme we’ll see throughout the <i>Green River Justice</i>.
<i>(The shot dissolves to another scene, with Copycat-as-Winters standing in a backstage area. Next to him is, thanks to some sort of camera trickery, another version of Copycat, dressed as a backstage interviewer. Copycat-as-Winters sports two black eyes and a bloody nose)</i>
<b>Copyinterviewer:</b> Layne Winters, a particularly tough loss for you out there against Brian “The Ballerina” Barton. What are your thoughts?
<b>Copylayne:</b> Well, Barton may have pinned me in the match, but do you know who the real winner is? Me! Layne Winters! Because I totally predicted ahead of time that I was going to lose, and my prediction was far more important than the humiliating defeat I suffered!
<b>Copyinterviewer:</b> But you still didn’t beat him. I mean, doesn’t that weigh on you at all?
<b>Copylayne:</b> G(BLEEP)LDANGIT I TOLD YOU I’M THE REAL FR(BLEEP)GING WINNER! It took me years of hard work to be able to lose so spectacularly! Take a look at that match and tell me it wasn’t the most jaw-droppingly amazing st(BLEEP)nking loss you’ve ever seen!
<i>(The shot freezes once again)</i>
<b>Copycat V/O:</b> Here, we see another defining action, as Winters makes an excuse for his inability to win a match and tries to play it off as a victory for him. Again, we see his neverending desire to brag about his accomplishments, regardless of the fact that he has no true accomplishments about which to brag. Throughout the wins and losses, mainly losses, seen in <i>Green River Justice</i>, we’ll see Winters run the gamut of emotions, from anger to, um, anger, as his well of excuses for being unable to get the job done runs dryer and dryer.
<i>(We dissolve to a shot of Copycat-as-Winters standing behind the counter of a generic fast food restaurant. On the other side of the counter is another Copycat, wearing a business suit and a fake moustache and holding a burger)</i>
<b>Copycustomer:</b> Excuse me, I asked for this burger with no mustard, but it has mustard on it.
<b>Copylayne:</b> F(BLEEP)RGET YOU! You didn’t say no l(BLEEP)sy mustard!
<b>Copycustomer:</b> Yes I did. Everyone in line heard me.
<b>Copylayne:</b> Well I didn’t! And if I say it didn’t happen, it didn’t happen, you melonf(BLEEP)mer!
<b>Copycustomer:</b> Yeah, well, anyway, the customer is always right, so…
<b>Copylayne:</b> WRONG, YOU SON OF A W(BLEEP)CH! Do you have any idea how r(BLEEP)ly hard I worked on that burger! It took me years to get to the point where I could put mustard on a burger, and now whenever I do it, it’s the most amazing burger you’ve ever eaten!
<i>(Screen freeze)</i>
<b>Copycat V/O:</b> Here, Winters enters a comfortable state of denial, as he ignores all of his adversary’s salient points in favor of his own worldview, from which he cannot be turned no matter the evidence to the contrary. We also get a rare look at some of the things Winters has had to do outside of the ring to get by, unlike certain other, significantly more bankable competitors.
<i>(We dissolve to Copycat-as-Winters taping up his wrists in a backstage area, a generic title belt slung over his shoulder)</i>
<b>Copywinters:</b> All right. All right! This f(BLEEP)rging time, I’m really going to do it! I’m going to show that Copycat guy that if I build up a victory in my head enough, it really will come true, even if it didn’t the last time! You believe in me, right Pamela?
<i>(Copycat-as-Winters looks offscreen expectantly, but gets no response)</i>
<b>Copylayne:</b> Honey? PAY ATTENTION TO ME! I’m trying to psych myself up, for h(BLEEP)k’s sake!
<i>(The camera pans over to show a fake-tattooed, fake-nose-pierced Megan Mullally talking on a cell phone)</i>
<b>Pamullally (to Copycat-as-Winters):</b> Whatever you say, dear! (to the phone) Well, Jared—excuse me, Daddy—I’m wearing side-tie panties, a short skirt…
<i>(The camera pans back over to Copycat-as-Winters)</i>
<b>Copylayne:</b> YEAH! I worked harder than anyone else to get my her to respond to my shouting, and when she does, it’s the most amazing response EVER!
<i>(Screen freeze)</i>
<b>Copycat V/O:</b> In this scene, near the end, we watch as Layne Winters ignores all the evidence that things aren’t going as he expected. And while it was with some trepidation that I decided to show a scene so close to the end of the movie, I don’t think any scene in <i>Green River Justice</i> truly shows how totally out of touch with reality Layne Winters is. For even up until the very last moment before this deciding match, he truly believed that he had a chance, that he would be a relevant factor in a contest in which he was no more than a distraction, that things would end in any way other than another devastating thrashing at the hands of his much more talented – and, if I may say so, much more handsome – opponent.
<i>(The camera goes back to Copycat in the “Coming Attractions” studio, the final frozen screenshot still in the background)</i>
<b>Copycat:</b> We’ve learned a lot today about this upcoming production, and in so doing, we’ve learned a lot about Layne Winters, the man. He has no interest in being entertaining. He ignores all the evidence of his irrelevance and inferiority. He repeats the same things over and over again. And perhaps most importantly, he looks at absolutely everything he does as an accomplishment that’s the envy of the world over. Now, <i>Green River Justice</i> may not be the movie for everyone, and in fact, many people may not care for it. But if you do go see it, and you don’t much care for it, just keep one important thing in mind: like Layne Winters’ reign as EPW Television Champion, it may be dull and peppered with failures various and sundry, but you can take comfort in the fact that it won’t last much longer.
<i>(The background screen goes black)</i>
<b>Copycat:</b> And of course, it wouldn’t be “Coming Attractions” without my own analysis of the film’s merits. And in my humble opinion, much like everything Layne Winters has been involved in over the last seven years besides his most recent match with Copycat…
<i>(He leans forward angrily in the chair and does his best Jon Lovitz)</i>
<b>Copycat:</b> IT STINKS!
<i>(Copycat grins at the camera)</i>
<i>(Fade out)</i>