OOC: For Ryan Aston, sent by email last night
---
FADE IN:
The Hart Estate, Orlando - Nighttime
Laying snug in her bed beneath a bevy of pillows, blankets and a Rainbow Brite comforter is the Empire's resident dancing queen and valet extraordinaire FELICIA HART. Sitting at bedside with a book in hand is her half-stepbrother twice removed, SJH. Story time is in full effect.
FELICIA: "Big bro! Big bro! What story are you gonna tell me tonight, big bro?"
The Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister chuckles.
SJH: "TONIGHT, sweet Fuh-leesh, our story is the HEINOUS tale of Crumpledcumskin!"
FELICIA: "Crumpledcumskin? What's that?!"
SJH: "Crumpledcumskin is a fooooooul and WRETCHED beast indeed-"
CUT TO: A dwarfish man in a bear suit with a photo print-out of Cameron Cruise's face taped to its head.
SJH: "A cruel and cantankerous imp that would DESTROY everything good and pure in the world if it could-"
FELICIA: "Wooooooow..."
SJH: "...which is exactly what our tale is about!"
FELICIA: "Tell me! Tell me!"
More faux chuckling from the Phenom.
SJH: "Alright. Alright."
SJH retrieves a pair of spectacles from his pocket, places them on his face, and then opens his book and begins the tragic tale.
SJH: "Ooonce upon a time, there was a poor miller... who had a very beautiful son."
CUT TO: Hart, decked from head to toe in a medieval gown, posing before a great mirror and rummaging through his golden locks with a large pick.
SJH: "Now it happened one day that he had an audience with the Queen and in order to appear a person of some importance he told him that he had a son who could spin straw into gold"
CUT TO: The beautiful SJH, accompanied by his father (portrayed by Tiny), as he stands before the Queen (portrayed by retired plus-size porn star Candye Kane.)
SJH: "....'Now that's a talent worth having,' said the Queen to the miller. 'If your son is as clever as you say, bring him to my palace tomorrow...."
The Queen licks her lips.
SJH: "...'and I'll put him to the test!'..."
FELICIA: "Kinky."
SJH: "When the boy was brought to her, she led him into a room full of straw, gave him a spinning-wheel and spindle, and said, 'Now set to work and spin all night till early dawn, and if by that time you haven't spun the straw into gold, you shall DIE!'..."
FELICIA: "Whoa... die?!"
SJH: "Noooooo, not really. The Queen was just big into mind games, psuedomasochism, and the S&M scene. Really freaky stuff. Freaky HOT stuff. So it was all talk, really..."
FELICIA: "I... see."
SJH: "Anyhow, the Queen closed the door behind her and left the boy alone inside. So the poor miller's son sat down, and didn't know what in the world he was to do. He hadn't the least idea of how to spin straw into gold, and became at last so miserable that he began to cry."
CUT TO: SJH in the room with the spinning wheel and spindle (and strategically-placed SJH merchandise), distraught to the point of weeping.
SJH: "When SUDDENLY the door opened, and in stepped a tiny little man..."
The guy with the bear suit and Cameron Cruise's mug taped to his face bursts into the room, flailing his arms like a crazy person.
SJH: "And that tiny, pathetic, wishin' he was as good as the Phenom 24/7, totally HOPELESS midget dude said, 'Good-evening, Mr. Miller-maid; why are you crying so bitterly?' 'Oh!' answered the guy, 'I have to wrestle the world's biggest VAGINE at Russian Roulette................ oh yeah, and I have to spin straw into gold too, and haven't a notion how it's done.'
The dwarf-bear-Cruise man does the Macarena, then tenders a query.
SJH: "...'What will you give me if I spin it for you?'...'The clock necklace I got from Flavor Flav,' replied the boy. The little man took the clock necklace, sat himself down at the wheel, and whir, whir, whir, the wheel went round... three times, and the bobbin was full. Then he put on another, and whir, whir, whir, the wheel went round three times, and the second too was full; and so it went on till the morning, when all the straw was spun away, and all the bobbins were full of GOLD."
CUT TO: A shot of Cameron Cruise holding up his Intercontinental title. CUT TO: Tact and Wells celebrating with their tag straps.
SJH: "And it was all because the Phenom carried their pathetic asses on his back... and laid the foundation that made it possible for them to succeed... only to be double-crossed by the douche monkeys in a horrendous display of JACKHOLERY..."
CUT TO: Footage of SJH getting the beatdown from Anthology on the most recent edition of Aggression.
FELICIA: "Ummm... what?"
CUT TO: Hart regaining his composure and adjusting his spectacles.
SJH: "Whoa... got a l'il carried away there. Anyway, as soon as the sun rose the Queen came, and when she perceived the gold, she was astonished and delighted and ASTONISHED, but her heart only lusted more than ever after the precious metal.... as well as the boy's hot beef injection... something known the world round as the HART THROB."
CUT TO: The Queen dressing down the miller's son verbally whilst licking her lips and undoubtedly undressing him with her eyes.
SJH: "Sooooo, she had the miller's son put into another room full of straw, much bigger than the first, and bade him, if he valued his life, to spin it all into gold before the following morning. The poor lad didn't know what to do, and began to cry once again, when the door opened as before, and the tiny, putrid, stinking, ass-hat midget appeared and said, 'What'll you give me if I spin the straw into gold for you?' ...'The Ovaltine decoder ring from my finger,' answered the boy. The manikin took the ring, and whirrrr! Round went the spinning-wheel again, and when morning broke he had spun all the straw into glittering gold."
CUT TO: The next morning, and the Queen shooting a "Come Hither" stare at the miller's son.
SJH: "The Queen was pleased beyond measure at the sight, but her greed for gold was still not satisfied, and she had the miller's son brought into a yet bigger room full of straw, and said, "You must spin all this away in the night; but if you succeed this time you shall become my husband!" Now, the miller's son wasn't really down with the whole commitment thing, but he was pretty hip to the idea of hittin' that royal heinie like a mo fo on the daily, so he was petty much down."
FELICIA: "How rooomaaaaaaantic!"
SJH: "I know, right? So when the boy was alone, that little ass monkey appeared for a third time and said, 'What'll you give me if I spin the straw for you once again?'...'I've nothing more to give,' answered the miller's son. 'Then promise me when you are King to give me your first child!!' Now, the miller's son thought it was totally weird that the dwarf wanted his first born, but the boy wasn't too worried as he adhered to a strict "No glove, no love" policy... and generally preferred entering through the backdoor anyway, so he promised the manikin what he demanded, and the little bastard set to work once more and spun the straw into gold. When the Queen came in the morning, and found everything as she had desired, she straightway made the boy her husband, and the miller's son became a king!"
CUT TO: SJH and Candye Kane, together in a hot tub, both wearing Burger King crowns.
FELICIA: "Yaaaaay!"
SJH: "Heh, yaaaay indeed! So after a year, the Queen, who had forgotten to take her birth control, gotten drunk, and slept with one of the stable boys, gave birth to a beautiful son. At this point, the King was so busy trying to get a paternity test on Maury that he thought no more of the little man....until one day, BAM... there he was!"
CUT TO: The Cruise bear bursting onto the scene, much to King SJH's chagrin.
SJH: "...'Time for a REALITY CHECK!' said the little jerk, who was obviously a big Roddy Piper fan. I think this was his way of saying it was time to pay up... or pay the Piper, as it were. Anyway... the King was all too happy to give the douche his alleged child, but now the imp was making all kinds of ridiculous demands too. He wanted his name in lights, he wanted to be taken seriously as a legitimate wrestler, but most of all... he wanted an autographed pair of the King's underoos, because he secretly had a strange, homoerotic infatuation with the King. This one really threw the King for a loop. If he couldn't give the little anus what he wanted, he'd be stuck with the douche FOREVER. Just the thought of having to hear the twerp's voice all the time caused the King to cry and sob so bitterly, that the little man was sorry for him and said, 'I'll give you three days to guess my name, and if you find it out in that time, I'll keep your child and we'll call it good."
FELICIA: "What a rube."
SJH: "Totally, but no one ever accused this wanker of being the sharpest tool in the shed."
FELICIA: "Clearly."
CUT TO: King SJH, pacing around his room... a room littered with trophies and title belts marking the various in-ring triumphs of LoC and New Era Champion Shawn Jessica Hart.
SJH: "So the good King pondered the whole night over all the names he had ever heard, and sent a messenger to scour the land, and to pick up far and near any names he could come across."
CUT TO: Midgey-Cruise sauntering out of the shadows before SJH.
SJH: "When the little man arrived on the following day he began with Kooter, Momo, Belshazzar, and all the other names he knew, in a string, but at each one the manikin called out, 'That's not my name!' The next day he sent to inquire the names of all the people in the neighborhood, and had a long list of the most uncommon and extraordinary for the little man when he made his appearance. 'Is your name, perhaps, Sheepskank, Cruickshanks, or Spindledouche?' But each time, he replied, 'That's not my name!'..."
FELICIA: "Not terribly creative with his responses is he?"
CUT TO: SJH as he looks directly into the camera.
SJH: "You can say that again!!"
CUT TO: A messenger approaching King SJH on his throne.
SJH: "On the third day the messenger returned and announced, 'I have not been able to find any new names, but as I came upon a high hill round the corner of the wood, where the foxes and hares bid each other good night, I saw a dilapidated hovel... that was LITTERED with empty Heineken bottles, and in front of the house burned a trash fire, and round the fire sprang the most grotesque little man, hopping on one leg and singing-'..."
CUT TO: The midget in the bear suit with the Cruise face, dancing and shrieking:
CRUISE MIDGET: "To-morrow I brew, to-day I bake,
And then the undies of Hart I'll take;
For little deems my royal dame,
That CRUMPLEDCUMSKIN is my name!"
SJH: "You can imagine the King's delight at hearing the name, and when the little man stepped in shortly afterward and asked, 'Now, my love...er...... King, WHAT'S MY NAME?'..."
CUT TO: The meeting between King SJH and his nemesis.
SJH: "He asked first, 'Is your name Conrad'... 'No.'...'Is your name Harry?' 'No.' Then the King grinned his gloooooooorious grin and asked "Is your name perhaps, CRUMPLEDCUMSKIN!?' And the little bastard started wiggin' out and said, 'Some demon has told you that! Some demon has told you that! BLARGH!' and in his rage, he drove his right foot so far into the ground that it sank in up to his waist, and he was totally STUCK there! So the good King gave him the PEACE OUT and left the little jerk to deal with the cheating Queen and an illegitimate child to care for... while the King traveled the world and banged supermodels and drank beer that isn't embarrassing to be associated with.... for aaaaaall the rest of his days. THE.... END!!"
CUT TO: Sweet Felicia, who has fallen soundly asleep. The Phenom grins, closes the book, and looks into the camera.
SJH: "Heh, I have to say... I've told QUITE the tale here tonight!"
He tucks the book under his arm and continues on.
SJH: "But NOTHING will compare to the stories that will be told after I DESTROY you at Russian Roulette, Crumpledcumskin! Cuz yours is an ass that is LONG overdue for a kicking, old friend... and if ANYONE is gonna be the dude to do the deed, you can bet your bottom dollar that that dude is gonna be me!!"
He nods his head.
SJH: "You say that what I've done outside of EPW doesn't matter, that to you... my titles don't mean DICK. But the steak n' eggs of the situation is that the whole if one's career is GREATER than the sum of its parts. And if you were to take my fresh and FANTABULOUS legacy... and measure it against your sad, silly little exploits... let's just say yours would be the shorter stick.
Of course, any of my sloppy seconds that you so sickeningly sought out could probably already tell you that, but I digress..."
SJH grins wryly.
SJH: "Bottom line, it was your homeboy LARRY TACT that I beat for one of these titles. That was in NEW. Then, in World's Finest, I JACKED UP Jared Wells like he'd never been jacked before. In the WWL, it was Copycat that I pinned for the win, and Edmunds.... heh... I've owned that guy in every corner of the globe. So yeah, you're right... this IS Empire Pro and the EPW Intercontinental title we're talking about. But for me, really... it's just another Antho-JERK about to get beat down! Call it an OUTRAGE, call it a MOCKERY, I call it the TRUTH!
And at Russian Roulette, for Crumpledcumskin, the truth is gonna HURT!
The Phenom has left the building!!"
FADE TO BLACK.