GARTHIsTheLaw
League Member
Yeah, same as the last one.
WWE SmackDown! presents…
NO WAY OUT…OF SAN FRANCISCO!
Thursday on SmackDown!: Paul Heyman shook the wrestling world to its very foundations by announcing Eddie Brock as the special guest referee for the match between Eddie Guerrero and Super Macho Man. Kurt Angle attacked everyone EXCEPT Eddie Guerrero in his continued quest to find his watch. Hardcore Holly, Not Bald Anymore Bull, A.P.A., and Ebony & Ivory were inducted into the WWE Hall of Filler.
On Heat, the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers defeated the forces of evil with a victory over the diabolical Team Velocity. Billy Kidman wonders if he can get over the same way Torrie Wilson does, but realizes he’d rather spend the rest of his life jobbing to Zach Gowen than pretend to be attracted to Sable.
Speaking of Sable, she and Torrie Wilson are out to start off the show.
Torrie: Hellooooo San Francisco! I have no mic skills. You will not notice because you are too busy ogling my hot body.
Sable: Ditto, except replace “hot” with “frightening.”
Torrie: Hey Sable, isn’t it ironic how we’re out here holding hands, and you quit the WWF once because you didn’t want to do a lesbian angle?
Sable: Mock me all you want, but I’d rather be a lesbian than sleep with Billy Gunn.
Torrie: Whatever, Skeletor.
SkeleSable: WHO TOLD YOU OF MY TRUE IDENTITY? FOOLISH MORTAL, YOU WILL BE DESTROYED!
Torrie: Save me, He-Man!
He-Man: I’m here to rescue you, Torrie! Back off, Skeletor!
SkeleSable: Dammit, Billy, I can tell that’s you, you’re just wearing a silly-looking chest plate. Oh well.
SkeleSable vaporizes Billy Gunn. The crowd goes wild. Bart Gunn, B.G. James, and Chuck Palumbo all dance a little jig around Billy’s remains.
A promo airs for the main event. Will Eddie Guerrero walk out with the WWE Title, or will Super Macho Man walk out with Kurt Angle’s watch? Will Goldberg spear something? Will the alien symbiote Venom take over Eddie Brock’s body and eat Hardcore Holly’s brain? God I hope so.
WWE TAG TITLES: THE BASHAMS & SHANIQUA VS. RIKISHI & SCOTTY 2-HOTTY
Michael Cole says Rikishi and Scotty have teamed together for five years. I seem to remember Rikishi being a lot skinner and more drug-addicted, but what do I know. Scotty 2-Hotty gets beaten with a stick for awhile, then he tags in Rikishi. Rikishi and Scotty are at a numerical disadvantage, so Rikishi’s Ass separates itself from him to even the odds. Rikishi’s Ass goes for the Banzai Drop on Shaniqua, but the Bashams pull her out of the way.
Little T Basham: Shaniqua don’t live here no more!
Rikishi’s Ass: Is Shaniqua there?
Little T Basham & One Track Mike Basham: HEEEELLLLLL NO!
Scotty 2-Hotty starts dancing to the song, captivating the Bashams. Rikishi’s Ass gets the hot tag and pins Shaniqua. Rikishi’s Ass is now one-half of the tag champions! But who is the other half? Scotty 2-Hotty’s Hair is pissed that it didn’t get to hold a title belt. One of these days, Hair, one of these days.
Josh Mathews points out that Goldberg’s seat is still empty. So is the entire upper tier of the arena. But who’s counting?
A video package recaps the rivalry between Hillbilly Jim Noble and His Blind Girlfriend Nidia, who is no longer Blind or Girlfriend. Is she still His? We’ll find out tonight!
BLINDFOLDED HILLBILLY JIM NOBLE VS. HIS NIDIA
Nidia’s first real wrestling move in this match is a dropkick. Those crazy Tough Enough I kids and their crazy dropkicks. Nidia pulls down Jamie’s pants to embarrass him, not realizing that Jamie’s boxer shorts constitute more material than the average wrestler wears. Nidia is about to pick up the upset win when Noble threatens to make her sleep with Billy Gunn again if she beats him, and Nidia gets so scared she jobs. Looks like she didn’t watch Billy getting vaporized by SkeleSable earlier. Noble wins!
Josh Mathews is backstage with Kurt Angle.
Mathews: Kurt, why did you beat up Slim Cena and Mad Clown a few days ago?
Angle: I’ve got some good leads on who stole my watch, and I’m getting ever closer to finding the culprit. I received a hot tip that it might have been Cena.
Mathews: Why’d you attack Mad Clown then?
Angle: He said he’d help me find the watch if I found his ham, but he totally stopped looking when I found the ham.
Cena: Word Life. Kurt, I told you like 100 times I don’t have your watch.
Angle: Well if you didn’t do it, then who did? Tell me that!
Cena: Christ, Kurt, everyone freakin’ knows it was Ed-
A blowdart appears from offscreen and lodges itself in Cena’s neck. He falls over. ORTON WINS!
Angle: Edge? Ed McMahon? TELL ME!
Angle kicks Cena’s ass. Officials make him stop. Eddie Guerrero is seen slinking away, hollow tube in tow.
FILLER TAG TEAM TITLES: A.P.A. VS. EBONY & IVORY
OMG! APA vs. WGTT at WWE PPV NWO! LOL! Before the match can start, the referee realizes both teams could technically be called Ebony & Ivory, and he rules that to avoid confusion, both teams must assume their original tag-team personas.
TEAM ANGLE VS. TEAM CTHULU w/ CTHULU
Since Kurt Angle has his own watch-related problems to worry about, Team Cthulu has a tactical advantage with Cthulu in their corner. Luckily, Blondshaw is injured and Faarooq is worthless, so that evens the odds a little. Just when it seems like Team Angle might pick up the win, Blondshaw BLONDSHAWS UP~! and hits Ivory with the Clothesline From Hell. Cthulu doesn’t like the way Blondshaw represents Hell, though, and uses his demonic powers to make Blondshaw job. HEEL TURN BY CTHULU! Team Angle wins the Filler Tag Team Titles! Faarooq is sad. And still worthless.
Goldberg finally arrives at the arena. Paul Heyman and Super Macho Man come out to confront him.
Heyman: Look Goldberg, I know you really want to beat up Super Macho Man, but you and I both know the WWE can’t have both Eddie Guerrero AND Chris Benoit in World Title matches at WrestleMania.
Lesnar: Yeah, and besides, The Undertaker’s coming back soon and the SmackDown! brand only needs one guy who’s allergic to jobbing.
Goldberg: But RAW already has one of those guys too! And he’s banging Vince’s daughter!
Lesnar: You could always sleep with Linda.
Goldberg: Don’t you think I’ve tried?
Lesnar: Ew.
Heyman: Double ew.
Goldberg: So you see my predicament?
Heyman: Forget it Goldberg. Go back to RAW. Maybe if you’re lucky you can lose to Test at WrestleMania.
Goldberg: That’s it! You’re Next!
Goldberg teaches Super Macho Man to FEAR THE SPEAR! Then he eats a bagel. Security takes Goldberg away for getting crumbs in the ring.
FILLER HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: HARDCORE HOLLY VS. NOT BALD ANYMORE BULL
Not Bald Anymore Bull is sad because Aran Ryan and Bear Hugger aren’t here to back him up tonight. He and Hardcore Holly try to settle their differences with a game of Connect Four, but then Holly gets distracted and Rhyno tries to put down two coins in a row, ending the game in a brawl. NBA Bull hits the GORE GORE GORE! but Holly falls out of the ring because he can’t even job right. Holly eventually wins with the Sheeba Shabba Slam. Hardcore Holly conquers the Minor Circuit!
We see the video from “The Ring” again. In 28 days, everyone who saw it will die unless they make a copy.
CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE: REY MYSTERIO w/ SOME BOXER VS. CHAVO GUERRERO w/ CHAVO GUERRERO SR.
Some Boxer gets ejected from ringside early for looking like that butch chick from “But I’m a Cheerleader.” Now that was a surprisingly kick-ass movie. It was humorous enough to keep me from getting bored, but managed to sneak in JUST enough romance to make the “chicks making out” part cool. I’m not a big fan of the romantic comedies, but when one pulls it off as well as that movie, I can make an exception. Speaking of exceptions, Chavo Guerrero actually doesn’t job tonight, so he wins the Cruiserweight title! La vida es dura, eh, Rey? Don’t worry, you still have your music career to fall back on. BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!
Josh Mathews interviews Chavo Guerrero.
Mathews: Congratulations, Chavo, you’re the new Cruiserweight champion. What are you going to do now?
Chavo: Hey, aren’t you that guy from American Idol?
Mathews: What?
Chavo Sr.: Clay Aiken! That’s his name.
Chavo: Yeah! That’s it! Listen, ese, I’m not a huge fan of pop music, but that “Invisible” song is sweet.
Mathews: I’m not Clay Aiken.
Chavo: Sure you are, ese! It’s cool. You don’t have to act modest.
Mathews: No, seriously, I’m not Clay Aiken. Now, about your-
Chavo & Chavo Sr.: IF I WAS INVISIBLE…THEN I COULD JUST WATCH YOU IN YOUR ROOM…
Mathews: Guys, stop it. I’m not f(BLEEP)king Clay Aiken!
Chavo & Chavo Sr.: IF I WAS INVINCIBLE…I’D MAKE YOU MINE TONIGHT…
Mathews: (cries)
#1 CONTENDER MATCH: KURT ANGLE VS. SLIM CENA VS. MAD CLOWN VS. ERNEST “THE CAT” MILLER
Slim Cena does a rap while the Cat dances a jig. Mad Clown juggles green balls. But then Angle tries to get on the mic and sing his song from WWE Originals, and it fills everyone with violence, so the match is on! Mad Clown tries to eat everyone, but he’s too patriotic to eat Angle’s singlet, Cena tastes too much like vanilla (nyuk nyuk nyuk), and he doesn’t want to have to call The Cat’s Momma and tell her he ate her son, so he goes hungry. Eventually, the hunger gets to him and he collapses. Angle interrogates Cena about his missing watch, but another blowdart KOs Cena. Miller then mesmerizes Angle with his dancing skills, and Angle falls over. ORTON WINS! Wait, no. THE CAT WINS! But then the referee realizes the Cat got fired and disqualifies him. Angle was the last person to fall over, so he’s declared the winner! He’s one step closer to the edge, and he’s about to break. I mean he’s one step closer to finding his watch. Damn you, Linkin Park!
Another video package shows the rivalry between Eddie, Brock, and Eddie Brock.
WWE TITLE: SUPER MACHO MAN VS. EDDIE GUERRERO w/ SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE EDDIE BROCK
Super Macho Man jiggles his pecs until Eddie Guerrero gets confused, so he takes the early advantage, but Eddie Brock admonishes him for it. Super Macho Man beats Guerrero with a stick for a while, but then Guerrero suddenly BLONDSHAWS UP~! It’s all for naught, though, as Super Macho Man spin punches the Blondshaw right out of Guerrero. Before he can cover, though, Venom takes over the body of Eddie Brock and goes on a murderous rampage. Spider-Man to the rescue! Or Goldberg. Or Spider-Berg. Spider-Berg spears damn near everything he can spear, and whatever he can’t spear is trapped in webbing to be speared later. One of the things speared is Super Macho Man, so Guerrero goes for the cover, and Venom leaves Eddie Brock’s body to go job to Spider-Berg, so Eddie Guerrero wins the WWE Title! Anti-WWE smarks all over the Internet spontaneously combust. Eddie Guerrero celebrates being only the second cruiserweight to ever win the WWE Title. Spider-Berg spears Venom all the way back to whatever planet he came from. Ernest Miller calls his momma to come give him a ride home.
Next week on SmackDown!: With Kurt Angle vs. Eddie Guerrero on tap for WrestleMania, Angle FINALLY has to find out that Eddie has his watch…or does he? Hardcore Holly takes on his first opponent in the Major Circuit – Bob “K-Kwik” Charlie! Spider-Berg spears The Vulture, then finds out it’s Linda McMahon.
WWE SmackDown! presents…
NO WAY OUT…OF SAN FRANCISCO!
Thursday on SmackDown!: Paul Heyman shook the wrestling world to its very foundations by announcing Eddie Brock as the special guest referee for the match between Eddie Guerrero and Super Macho Man. Kurt Angle attacked everyone EXCEPT Eddie Guerrero in his continued quest to find his watch. Hardcore Holly, Not Bald Anymore Bull, A.P.A., and Ebony & Ivory were inducted into the WWE Hall of Filler.
On Heat, the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers defeated the forces of evil with a victory over the diabolical Team Velocity. Billy Kidman wonders if he can get over the same way Torrie Wilson does, but realizes he’d rather spend the rest of his life jobbing to Zach Gowen than pretend to be attracted to Sable.
Speaking of Sable, she and Torrie Wilson are out to start off the show.
Torrie: Hellooooo San Francisco! I have no mic skills. You will not notice because you are too busy ogling my hot body.
Sable: Ditto, except replace “hot” with “frightening.”
Torrie: Hey Sable, isn’t it ironic how we’re out here holding hands, and you quit the WWF once because you didn’t want to do a lesbian angle?
Sable: Mock me all you want, but I’d rather be a lesbian than sleep with Billy Gunn.
Torrie: Whatever, Skeletor.
SkeleSable: WHO TOLD YOU OF MY TRUE IDENTITY? FOOLISH MORTAL, YOU WILL BE DESTROYED!
Torrie: Save me, He-Man!
He-Man: I’m here to rescue you, Torrie! Back off, Skeletor!
SkeleSable: Dammit, Billy, I can tell that’s you, you’re just wearing a silly-looking chest plate. Oh well.
SkeleSable vaporizes Billy Gunn. The crowd goes wild. Bart Gunn, B.G. James, and Chuck Palumbo all dance a little jig around Billy’s remains.
A promo airs for the main event. Will Eddie Guerrero walk out with the WWE Title, or will Super Macho Man walk out with Kurt Angle’s watch? Will Goldberg spear something? Will the alien symbiote Venom take over Eddie Brock’s body and eat Hardcore Holly’s brain? God I hope so.
WWE TAG TITLES: THE BASHAMS & SHANIQUA VS. RIKISHI & SCOTTY 2-HOTTY
Michael Cole says Rikishi and Scotty have teamed together for five years. I seem to remember Rikishi being a lot skinner and more drug-addicted, but what do I know. Scotty 2-Hotty gets beaten with a stick for awhile, then he tags in Rikishi. Rikishi and Scotty are at a numerical disadvantage, so Rikishi’s Ass separates itself from him to even the odds. Rikishi’s Ass goes for the Banzai Drop on Shaniqua, but the Bashams pull her out of the way.
Little T Basham: Shaniqua don’t live here no more!
Rikishi’s Ass: Is Shaniqua there?
Little T Basham & One Track Mike Basham: HEEEELLLLLL NO!
Scotty 2-Hotty starts dancing to the song, captivating the Bashams. Rikishi’s Ass gets the hot tag and pins Shaniqua. Rikishi’s Ass is now one-half of the tag champions! But who is the other half? Scotty 2-Hotty’s Hair is pissed that it didn’t get to hold a title belt. One of these days, Hair, one of these days.
Josh Mathews points out that Goldberg’s seat is still empty. So is the entire upper tier of the arena. But who’s counting?
A video package recaps the rivalry between Hillbilly Jim Noble and His Blind Girlfriend Nidia, who is no longer Blind or Girlfriend. Is she still His? We’ll find out tonight!
BLINDFOLDED HILLBILLY JIM NOBLE VS. HIS NIDIA
Nidia’s first real wrestling move in this match is a dropkick. Those crazy Tough Enough I kids and their crazy dropkicks. Nidia pulls down Jamie’s pants to embarrass him, not realizing that Jamie’s boxer shorts constitute more material than the average wrestler wears. Nidia is about to pick up the upset win when Noble threatens to make her sleep with Billy Gunn again if she beats him, and Nidia gets so scared she jobs. Looks like she didn’t watch Billy getting vaporized by SkeleSable earlier. Noble wins!
Josh Mathews is backstage with Kurt Angle.
Mathews: Kurt, why did you beat up Slim Cena and Mad Clown a few days ago?
Angle: I’ve got some good leads on who stole my watch, and I’m getting ever closer to finding the culprit. I received a hot tip that it might have been Cena.
Mathews: Why’d you attack Mad Clown then?
Angle: He said he’d help me find the watch if I found his ham, but he totally stopped looking when I found the ham.
Cena: Word Life. Kurt, I told you like 100 times I don’t have your watch.
Angle: Well if you didn’t do it, then who did? Tell me that!
Cena: Christ, Kurt, everyone freakin’ knows it was Ed-
A blowdart appears from offscreen and lodges itself in Cena’s neck. He falls over. ORTON WINS!
Angle: Edge? Ed McMahon? TELL ME!
Angle kicks Cena’s ass. Officials make him stop. Eddie Guerrero is seen slinking away, hollow tube in tow.
FILLER TAG TEAM TITLES: A.P.A. VS. EBONY & IVORY
OMG! APA vs. WGTT at WWE PPV NWO! LOL! Before the match can start, the referee realizes both teams could technically be called Ebony & Ivory, and he rules that to avoid confusion, both teams must assume their original tag-team personas.
TEAM ANGLE VS. TEAM CTHULU w/ CTHULU
Since Kurt Angle has his own watch-related problems to worry about, Team Cthulu has a tactical advantage with Cthulu in their corner. Luckily, Blondshaw is injured and Faarooq is worthless, so that evens the odds a little. Just when it seems like Team Angle might pick up the win, Blondshaw BLONDSHAWS UP~! and hits Ivory with the Clothesline From Hell. Cthulu doesn’t like the way Blondshaw represents Hell, though, and uses his demonic powers to make Blondshaw job. HEEL TURN BY CTHULU! Team Angle wins the Filler Tag Team Titles! Faarooq is sad. And still worthless.
Goldberg finally arrives at the arena. Paul Heyman and Super Macho Man come out to confront him.
Heyman: Look Goldberg, I know you really want to beat up Super Macho Man, but you and I both know the WWE can’t have both Eddie Guerrero AND Chris Benoit in World Title matches at WrestleMania.
Lesnar: Yeah, and besides, The Undertaker’s coming back soon and the SmackDown! brand only needs one guy who’s allergic to jobbing.
Goldberg: But RAW already has one of those guys too! And he’s banging Vince’s daughter!
Lesnar: You could always sleep with Linda.
Goldberg: Don’t you think I’ve tried?
Lesnar: Ew.
Heyman: Double ew.
Goldberg: So you see my predicament?
Heyman: Forget it Goldberg. Go back to RAW. Maybe if you’re lucky you can lose to Test at WrestleMania.
Goldberg: That’s it! You’re Next!
Goldberg teaches Super Macho Man to FEAR THE SPEAR! Then he eats a bagel. Security takes Goldberg away for getting crumbs in the ring.
FILLER HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: HARDCORE HOLLY VS. NOT BALD ANYMORE BULL
Not Bald Anymore Bull is sad because Aran Ryan and Bear Hugger aren’t here to back him up tonight. He and Hardcore Holly try to settle their differences with a game of Connect Four, but then Holly gets distracted and Rhyno tries to put down two coins in a row, ending the game in a brawl. NBA Bull hits the GORE GORE GORE! but Holly falls out of the ring because he can’t even job right. Holly eventually wins with the Sheeba Shabba Slam. Hardcore Holly conquers the Minor Circuit!
We see the video from “The Ring” again. In 28 days, everyone who saw it will die unless they make a copy.
CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE: REY MYSTERIO w/ SOME BOXER VS. CHAVO GUERRERO w/ CHAVO GUERRERO SR.
Some Boxer gets ejected from ringside early for looking like that butch chick from “But I’m a Cheerleader.” Now that was a surprisingly kick-ass movie. It was humorous enough to keep me from getting bored, but managed to sneak in JUST enough romance to make the “chicks making out” part cool. I’m not a big fan of the romantic comedies, but when one pulls it off as well as that movie, I can make an exception. Speaking of exceptions, Chavo Guerrero actually doesn’t job tonight, so he wins the Cruiserweight title! La vida es dura, eh, Rey? Don’t worry, you still have your music career to fall back on. BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!
Josh Mathews interviews Chavo Guerrero.
Mathews: Congratulations, Chavo, you’re the new Cruiserweight champion. What are you going to do now?
Chavo: Hey, aren’t you that guy from American Idol?
Mathews: What?
Chavo Sr.: Clay Aiken! That’s his name.
Chavo: Yeah! That’s it! Listen, ese, I’m not a huge fan of pop music, but that “Invisible” song is sweet.
Mathews: I’m not Clay Aiken.
Chavo: Sure you are, ese! It’s cool. You don’t have to act modest.
Mathews: No, seriously, I’m not Clay Aiken. Now, about your-
Chavo & Chavo Sr.: IF I WAS INVISIBLE…THEN I COULD JUST WATCH YOU IN YOUR ROOM…
Mathews: Guys, stop it. I’m not f(BLEEP)king Clay Aiken!
Chavo & Chavo Sr.: IF I WAS INVINCIBLE…I’D MAKE YOU MINE TONIGHT…
Mathews: (cries)
#1 CONTENDER MATCH: KURT ANGLE VS. SLIM CENA VS. MAD CLOWN VS. ERNEST “THE CAT” MILLER
Slim Cena does a rap while the Cat dances a jig. Mad Clown juggles green balls. But then Angle tries to get on the mic and sing his song from WWE Originals, and it fills everyone with violence, so the match is on! Mad Clown tries to eat everyone, but he’s too patriotic to eat Angle’s singlet, Cena tastes too much like vanilla (nyuk nyuk nyuk), and he doesn’t want to have to call The Cat’s Momma and tell her he ate her son, so he goes hungry. Eventually, the hunger gets to him and he collapses. Angle interrogates Cena about his missing watch, but another blowdart KOs Cena. Miller then mesmerizes Angle with his dancing skills, and Angle falls over. ORTON WINS! Wait, no. THE CAT WINS! But then the referee realizes the Cat got fired and disqualifies him. Angle was the last person to fall over, so he’s declared the winner! He’s one step closer to the edge, and he’s about to break. I mean he’s one step closer to finding his watch. Damn you, Linkin Park!
Another video package shows the rivalry between Eddie, Brock, and Eddie Brock.
WWE TITLE: SUPER MACHO MAN VS. EDDIE GUERRERO w/ SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE EDDIE BROCK
Super Macho Man jiggles his pecs until Eddie Guerrero gets confused, so he takes the early advantage, but Eddie Brock admonishes him for it. Super Macho Man beats Guerrero with a stick for a while, but then Guerrero suddenly BLONDSHAWS UP~! It’s all for naught, though, as Super Macho Man spin punches the Blondshaw right out of Guerrero. Before he can cover, though, Venom takes over the body of Eddie Brock and goes on a murderous rampage. Spider-Man to the rescue! Or Goldberg. Or Spider-Berg. Spider-Berg spears damn near everything he can spear, and whatever he can’t spear is trapped in webbing to be speared later. One of the things speared is Super Macho Man, so Guerrero goes for the cover, and Venom leaves Eddie Brock’s body to go job to Spider-Berg, so Eddie Guerrero wins the WWE Title! Anti-WWE smarks all over the Internet spontaneously combust. Eddie Guerrero celebrates being only the second cruiserweight to ever win the WWE Title. Spider-Berg spears Venom all the way back to whatever planet he came from. Ernest Miller calls his momma to come give him a ride home.
Next week on SmackDown!: With Kurt Angle vs. Eddie Guerrero on tap for WrestleMania, Angle FINALLY has to find out that Eddie has his watch…or does he? Hardcore Holly takes on his first opponent in the Major Circuit – Bob “K-Kwik” Charlie! Spider-Berg spears The Vulture, then finds out it’s Linda McMahon.
