G
Greggulator
Guest
(CUT TO: Calvin Carlton, in an electric blue/mustard yellow suit, with a big yellow bowtie, holds his matching tennis racket. Behind him, wearing Confederate Flag do-rags, bowties and tuxtails are "Fabulous" Frankie Fargo and "The New American Stud" Brandon Mueller.)
CALVIN: Just when you thought this promotion couldn't get any sadder... just when you thought this promotion couldn't get any worse... just when you thought the NFW was at its lowest point... they broadcast Impact. Now, while millions upon millions of people from coast to coast tune into that fine program to see yours truly, the NEW Manager of Champions, the CEO of Calvin Carlton Enterprises and the man who has more class in his pinkie finger (extends his pinkie on his racket hand) than all of the Ivy League colleges combined, Mister Calvin Carlton... they go and RUIN the program and RUIN the league by bringing back a couple of perverted, plagarist twerps AND my sister... the shame of my family.
Shanequa... I don't know where you came from, and I don't really care. I haven't seen in you in a number of years and neither has momma-- the lady who lights up the stars with her beautiful eyes and her perfect teeth. You see, Shanequa, you could have been a lady of proper society... (Calvin points condescendingly at the camera.) You could have kept your mouth shut, you could have learned to serve tea and then we would have married you off to a nice, respectable man... quite possibly one of my society club members from Oxford, or perhaps one of my golf buddies from the Bel Air club. But neeeewwoooooo. You had to be (sneering) "independent" and "a feminist"-- just like that pigfaced, cris center resident Doc Martens. You wanted to play sports, even though women aren't as good as men at sports-- and any time we played tennis, YOU had to cheat. Momma was right, as she always was and always is... you WERE better off being sent to your schools where you would be taught lessons. You were the shame of our family and you still are. But this time, instead of ruining MY good name and, most importantly, MOMMA'S good name... I'm simply going to ruin your life. You've associated yourselves with Ryan and Lincoln, those little pests who ran off to Japan after we crushed them to go make some Japanese underground sex videos? That's PERFECT. Because as long as those two still have air in their lungs... (Calvin starts to laugh, then stops, pointing the racket at the camera.) WE WILL HUNT THEM.
(Frankie Fargo steps forward, looking prison-yard serious at the camera. Mueller plays with his hair-- the most beautiful head of hair in the world of professional wrestling(tm)-- and then stops, shaking his head while pursing his lips.)
FARGO: RAH-YUN. LIN-CULN. EYE thought YA'LL would've LEARNT BAH NOW. Eye done thought that ya'll would've KNOWN BAH NOW. Ya'll THOUGHT ya'll could steal AHRE names... steal AHRE moves... STEAL AHRE DANCE (Mueller does The Showstopper Strut) STEPS... but YA'LL THOUGHT WRONG. Ya'll thought that we was dead... but we wasn't dead, we was watchin' ya'lls EVERY MOVE the whole tahme. We came back and we took ya'll apart. We came back, and we tore up your backyards. We beat up your fans, we vandalized your schools and even flew the proud colors of 'Ol Dixie (Mueller starts to laugh) over the face of ABRAHAM LINCOLN raht in ya'lls hometowns... and ya'll stood back and did NUTHIN'. Instead of FACIN' US LAHK MEN... ya'll ran to Japan, knowin' full well that the judge said that EYE can't leave the country because of my parole... YA'LL KNOW THAT EYEVE LEARNT JIU JITSU (Fargo busts out a karate pose) THESE PAST FEW MONTHS... makin' me already MORE dangerous. YA'LL THINK EYE GOT SUMTHIN' TA LOSE? YA'LL THINK THAT I GIVE A F(BLEEEEEEEP) IF EYE LIVE OR DIE? EYE GOT NO FAMILY. EYE GOT NO PERSONAL PROPERTY. The only thing EYE GOT IS BRANDON MUELLER, CALVIN CARLTON AND MY PICK-UP TRUCK. Oh yea... and EYE GOT ONE OTHER THING-- I got myself a REAAAAAL NASTY DESIRE to cut up some pretty, gay faces with a HOMEMADE KNAHF of some sort. Ya'll think that PRISON was nahce? AH WAS A WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMP AND THEN I GOT ARRESTED FOR CRAHMS THAT EYE DID NOT COMMIT, and you can READ the CONSTITUTION WHICH SAYS EYE AM GUARANTEED THE RAHT TO BEAR ARMS. IF YA'LL THINK THAT EYE SPENT MY TAHM IN PRISON MAKING POTPURRI, YA'LL WRONG. RYAN, LINCOLN... ya'll took the ONE GOT-DAMN THING IN MAH LAF THAT EYE LOVE and STOLED IT... now, because of that... (Fargo starts to smile.) AHM GONNA GET YA'LL. (Fargo and Mueller strut off.)
CALVIN: Shanequa, run while you still can. Because my boys aren't out to beat Ryan and Lincoln... they are out to KILL Ryan and Lincoln. And I'm out to make sure you go back into your cave and never mention me... or momma... ever again. You'll see soon enough why The Original Showstoppers, the OSS... are stronger... for a little bit longer! (FTB)
CALVIN: Just when you thought this promotion couldn't get any sadder... just when you thought this promotion couldn't get any worse... just when you thought the NFW was at its lowest point... they broadcast Impact. Now, while millions upon millions of people from coast to coast tune into that fine program to see yours truly, the NEW Manager of Champions, the CEO of Calvin Carlton Enterprises and the man who has more class in his pinkie finger (extends his pinkie on his racket hand) than all of the Ivy League colleges combined, Mister Calvin Carlton... they go and RUIN the program and RUIN the league by bringing back a couple of perverted, plagarist twerps AND my sister... the shame of my family.
Shanequa... I don't know where you came from, and I don't really care. I haven't seen in you in a number of years and neither has momma-- the lady who lights up the stars with her beautiful eyes and her perfect teeth. You see, Shanequa, you could have been a lady of proper society... (Calvin points condescendingly at the camera.) You could have kept your mouth shut, you could have learned to serve tea and then we would have married you off to a nice, respectable man... quite possibly one of my society club members from Oxford, or perhaps one of my golf buddies from the Bel Air club. But neeeewwoooooo. You had to be (sneering) "independent" and "a feminist"-- just like that pigfaced, cris center resident Doc Martens. You wanted to play sports, even though women aren't as good as men at sports-- and any time we played tennis, YOU had to cheat. Momma was right, as she always was and always is... you WERE better off being sent to your schools where you would be taught lessons. You were the shame of our family and you still are. But this time, instead of ruining MY good name and, most importantly, MOMMA'S good name... I'm simply going to ruin your life. You've associated yourselves with Ryan and Lincoln, those little pests who ran off to Japan after we crushed them to go make some Japanese underground sex videos? That's PERFECT. Because as long as those two still have air in their lungs... (Calvin starts to laugh, then stops, pointing the racket at the camera.) WE WILL HUNT THEM.
(Frankie Fargo steps forward, looking prison-yard serious at the camera. Mueller plays with his hair-- the most beautiful head of hair in the world of professional wrestling(tm)-- and then stops, shaking his head while pursing his lips.)
FARGO: RAH-YUN. LIN-CULN. EYE thought YA'LL would've LEARNT BAH NOW. Eye done thought that ya'll would've KNOWN BAH NOW. Ya'll THOUGHT ya'll could steal AHRE names... steal AHRE moves... STEAL AHRE DANCE (Mueller does The Showstopper Strut) STEPS... but YA'LL THOUGHT WRONG. Ya'll thought that we was dead... but we wasn't dead, we was watchin' ya'lls EVERY MOVE the whole tahme. We came back and we took ya'll apart. We came back, and we tore up your backyards. We beat up your fans, we vandalized your schools and even flew the proud colors of 'Ol Dixie (Mueller starts to laugh) over the face of ABRAHAM LINCOLN raht in ya'lls hometowns... and ya'll stood back and did NUTHIN'. Instead of FACIN' US LAHK MEN... ya'll ran to Japan, knowin' full well that the judge said that EYE can't leave the country because of my parole... YA'LL KNOW THAT EYEVE LEARNT JIU JITSU (Fargo busts out a karate pose) THESE PAST FEW MONTHS... makin' me already MORE dangerous. YA'LL THINK EYE GOT SUMTHIN' TA LOSE? YA'LL THINK THAT I GIVE A F(BLEEEEEEEP) IF EYE LIVE OR DIE? EYE GOT NO FAMILY. EYE GOT NO PERSONAL PROPERTY. The only thing EYE GOT IS BRANDON MUELLER, CALVIN CARLTON AND MY PICK-UP TRUCK. Oh yea... and EYE GOT ONE OTHER THING-- I got myself a REAAAAAL NASTY DESIRE to cut up some pretty, gay faces with a HOMEMADE KNAHF of some sort. Ya'll think that PRISON was nahce? AH WAS A WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMP AND THEN I GOT ARRESTED FOR CRAHMS THAT EYE DID NOT COMMIT, and you can READ the CONSTITUTION WHICH SAYS EYE AM GUARANTEED THE RAHT TO BEAR ARMS. IF YA'LL THINK THAT EYE SPENT MY TAHM IN PRISON MAKING POTPURRI, YA'LL WRONG. RYAN, LINCOLN... ya'll took the ONE GOT-DAMN THING IN MAH LAF THAT EYE LOVE and STOLED IT... now, because of that... (Fargo starts to smile.) AHM GONNA GET YA'LL. (Fargo and Mueller strut off.)
CALVIN: Shanequa, run while you still can. Because my boys aren't out to beat Ryan and Lincoln... they are out to KILL Ryan and Lincoln. And I'm out to make sure you go back into your cave and never mention me... or momma... ever again. You'll see soon enough why The Original Showstoppers, the OSS... are stronger... for a little bit longer! (FTB)