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My Sister

G

Greggulator

Guest
(CUT TO: Calvin Carlton, in an electric blue/mustard yellow suit, with a big yellow bowtie, holds his matching tennis racket. Behind him, wearing Confederate Flag do-rags, bowties and tuxtails are "Fabulous" Frankie Fargo and "The New American Stud" Brandon Mueller.)

CALVIN: Just when you thought this promotion couldn't get any sadder... just when you thought this promotion couldn't get any worse... just when you thought the NFW was at its lowest point... they broadcast Impact. Now, while millions upon millions of people from coast to coast tune into that fine program to see yours truly, the NEW Manager of Champions, the CEO of Calvin Carlton Enterprises and the man who has more class in his pinkie finger (extends his pinkie on his racket hand) than all of the Ivy League colleges combined, Mister Calvin Carlton... they go and RUIN the program and RUIN the league by bringing back a couple of perverted, plagarist twerps AND my sister... the shame of my family.

Shanequa... I don't know where you came from, and I don't really care. I haven't seen in you in a number of years and neither has momma-- the lady who lights up the stars with her beautiful eyes and her perfect teeth. You see, Shanequa, you could have been a lady of proper society... (Calvin points condescendingly at the camera.) You could have kept your mouth shut, you could have learned to serve tea and then we would have married you off to a nice, respectable man... quite possibly one of my society club members from Oxford, or perhaps one of my golf buddies from the Bel Air club. But neeeewwoooooo. You had to be (sneering) "independent" and "a feminist"-- just like that pigfaced, cris center resident Doc Martens. You wanted to play sports, even though women aren't as good as men at sports-- and any time we played tennis, YOU had to cheat. Momma was right, as she always was and always is... you WERE better off being sent to your schools where you would be taught lessons. You were the shame of our family and you still are. But this time, instead of ruining MY good name and, most importantly, MOMMA'S good name... I'm simply going to ruin your life. You've associated yourselves with Ryan and Lincoln, those little pests who ran off to Japan after we crushed them to go make some Japanese underground sex videos? That's PERFECT. Because as long as those two still have air in their lungs... (Calvin starts to laugh, then stops, pointing the racket at the camera.) WE WILL HUNT THEM.

(Frankie Fargo steps forward, looking prison-yard serious at the camera. Mueller plays with his hair-- the most beautiful head of hair in the world of professional wrestling(tm)-- and then stops, shaking his head while pursing his lips.)

FARGO: RAH-YUN. LIN-CULN. EYE thought YA'LL would've LEARNT BAH NOW. Eye done thought that ya'll would've KNOWN BAH NOW. Ya'll THOUGHT ya'll could steal AHRE names... steal AHRE moves... STEAL AHRE DANCE (Mueller does The Showstopper Strut) STEPS... but YA'LL THOUGHT WRONG. Ya'll thought that we was dead... but we wasn't dead, we was watchin' ya'lls EVERY MOVE the whole tahme. We came back and we took ya'll apart. We came back, and we tore up your backyards. We beat up your fans, we vandalized your schools and even flew the proud colors of 'Ol Dixie (Mueller starts to laugh) over the face of ABRAHAM LINCOLN raht in ya'lls hometowns... and ya'll stood back and did NUTHIN'. Instead of FACIN' US LAHK MEN... ya'll ran to Japan, knowin' full well that the judge said that EYE can't leave the country because of my parole... YA'LL KNOW THAT EYEVE LEARNT JIU JITSU (Fargo busts out a karate pose) THESE PAST FEW MONTHS... makin' me already MORE dangerous. YA'LL THINK EYE GOT SUMTHIN' TA LOSE? YA'LL THINK THAT I GIVE A F(BLEEEEEEEP) IF EYE LIVE OR DIE? EYE GOT NO FAMILY. EYE GOT NO PERSONAL PROPERTY. The only thing EYE GOT IS BRANDON MUELLER, CALVIN CARLTON AND MY PICK-UP TRUCK. Oh yea... and EYE GOT ONE OTHER THING-- I got myself a REAAAAAL NASTY DESIRE to cut up some pretty, gay faces with a HOMEMADE KNAHF of some sort. Ya'll think that PRISON was nahce? AH WAS A WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMP AND THEN I GOT ARRESTED FOR CRAHMS THAT EYE DID NOT COMMIT, and you can READ the CONSTITUTION WHICH SAYS EYE AM GUARANTEED THE RAHT TO BEAR ARMS. IF YA'LL THINK THAT EYE SPENT MY TAHM IN PRISON MAKING POTPURRI, YA'LL WRONG. RYAN, LINCOLN... ya'll took the ONE GOT-DAMN THING IN MAH LAF THAT EYE LOVE and STOLED IT... now, because of that... (Fargo starts to smile.) AHM GONNA GET YA'LL. (Fargo and Mueller strut off.)

CALVIN: Shanequa, run while you still can. Because my boys aren't out to beat Ryan and Lincoln... they are out to KILL Ryan and Lincoln. And I'm out to make sure you go back into your cave and never mention me... or momma... ever again. You'll see soon enough why The Original Showstoppers, the OSS... are stronger... for a little bit longer! (FTB)
 
P

Packschmid

Guest
Baby Brother

(FADEIN: LINCOLN McKINLEY and RYAN CONNORS are standing in front of the NFW backdrop, decked out in their silk Japanese robes, while SHANIQUA CARLTON stands between them, about a foot and a half shorter, wearing a red sequined dress and holding a tennis racket with a red sequined jacket on it.)

SHANIQUA: Listen to my baby brother, standin' there with two ignorant REDNECKS, tryin' to sound like he's a tough guy. (Chuckles.) Calvin, honey, you forget that I remember what you were like as a geeky little punk growin' up in Bel Air, and you ain't changed a LICK since you were in diapers, child...you always were my little BABY BROTHER, and you always will be. I could always make you CRY, Calvin...always knew what buttons to push...and if there weren't no buttons left to push, I could always BEAT a tear out of you, now couldn't I? (Chuckles.) But, you were always Mama's Baby Boy, and everytime your sorry ass cried, I got in trouble for it. (Smiles.) But, Mama ain't here to save your sorry butt now, is she, Calvin? (Shakes head.) You can't go cryin' to Mama now, Calvin...you gotsta deal with ME and the well-oiled machine standin' beside me. You see, baby brother, Mama always thought you were the smart one, but you done hitched your cart to the wrong horses this time around, haven't ya? (Smiles.) You got these two redneck little hillbilly HAS-BEENS who are tryin' to make a livin' based SOLELY on the fact that twenty years ago, they used to call themselves by the name that Ryan and Lincoln made FAMOUS here in NFW. Well, baby, that all's gonna end, and it's gonna end SOONER, rather than LATER.

McKINLEY: You know something...it was real tempting...I mean, REAL tempting...to take that offer to wrestle the rest of our careers in Japan...the money was good...the fans there know and respect us...and it would be WRESTLING the way it was MEANT to be...in the RING with no BULL. But, one thing that I've never been is a QUITTER...Ryan and I have NEVER backed down from a fight...and yeah, I'll be honest, you and your two moonshine-sucking WANNA-BES are the BIGGEST PAIN IN THE ASS I've EVER encountered. Webster, you're just like a little annoying fly, always buzzing around, distracting us from the business at hand...but we've got a special fly swatter now, don't we, Ryan?

CONNORS: How sweet it's going to be to watch our very own DARK ANGEL here kick the living bejeezus out of that little twerp and leave us with a FAIR fight. Fargo and Mueller...you guys claim that you were the "Originals"...you guys claim that you had the name first...fine, I'll grant you that a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, you two used the name Showstoppers. They say imitation is the greatest form of flattery...but one look at us in the ring and even a blind man can see that we're not IMITATORS...we're INNOVATORS...and you may have been the Showstoppers once upon a time...but in the here and now, Lincoln and I are the ONLY Showstoppers. We've gone ABOVE and BEYOND anything you two toothless 'necks have ever done inside the squared circle, and it drives you guys NUTS. It drives you guys nuts that you can't do HALF of the moves we do in that ring. It drives you guys nuts that you haven't been able to win the NFW World Tag Team Championship like we did. It drives you guys nuts that every city we go to, the women swoon while the only women that approach you are chain-smoking 13 year old girls with severe emotional problems. You guys are jealous because we took the Showstopper name, and we made it something BETTER...we set the STANDARD for tag team wrestling that everyone out there is trying to live up to...and if you've got a problem with that, don't CRY about it...come do something about it.

McKINLEY: Frankie Fargo, do you HONESTLY think that ANYONE out there wants to hear your sob stories about prison? No, Frankie, I don't think you were in there making potpourri, I think you probably made real close personal friends with a cellmate named Bubba. (Chuckles.) I think we can finally put this controversy to bed, boys...we'll keep the name Showstoppers, and you and Brandon can go make a NEW name for yourself based off of your impressive prison record...I can see it now...Frankie Fargo...Brandon Mueller...the Original SOAPDROPPERS. I think there's a future there, because quite frankly, watching you two redneck never-were crybabies in the ring after watching a state-of-the-art tag team of the 21st Century like ourselves is probably about as enjoyable as PRISON RAPE.

SHANIQUA: What it comes down to, boys...is that Ryan and Lincoln...the REAL Showstoppers...AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE, BABY...you want some...COME GET SOME...because the NFW...it's OUR house...

McKINLEY: And NOBODY comes into OUR house...

CONNORS: And pushes US around.

SHANIQUA: And Baby Brother, if you even THINK about stickin' your fat little nose in my boys' business...I'MMA BREAK IT OFF FOR YOU, and you can go cryin' back to Mama with THAT.
 

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