Re: May 2: Bracket Three - Troy Windham vs. Shawn Savoy
(CUT TO: A lush tropical jungle type of atmosphere, flanked in front by a large heart shaped jacuzzi. In the middle of the swirling water is Troy Windham, surrounded by three fast-looking 19-year-olds (we hope), all giggling and splashing.)
TROY: (Pointing to the three girls.) Now, I'll be right back. Don't do anything I wouldn't do or else you'll all get a spanking! Hmmm... well... you're going to get a spanking anyways! (The girls cackle. Troy pushes himself out of the hot tub, and gets out, standing dripping wet in his blue thong with white trim -- Troy's very comfortable with his nudity -- as a manservant comes out and hands Troy a mink towel with the initials TW in gold. Troy starts to towel himself off, tosses the towel to the ground, which the manservant obediently picks up. Troy then, standing in nothing but his thong, addresses the camera.)
TROY: In just a few short weeks, we're going to decide something spectacular. We are going to crown the new CSWA World Champion. A title... a title that has had special significance in my life for the past several years. A title I've held before. And it's a title I will wear one more time.
(Troy gazes around his property -- the lush landscaping, the ocean vista, the large Old-Spanish architecture, the Benz, the Bentley, the Porsche, the girls, the servants -- and nods his head.)
You see, I have a lot in my life. The reason I have all of this wealth and all of these belongings is simple... BECAUSE I DESERVE IT. I was born not just good, but gifted. Not just gifted... but the BEST. I knew from Day One I would be THE DEFINING FORCE in this industry. That I would use wrestling to propel me to greater fame and fortune -- that I wouldn't just be yet another wrestler, I'd be a full-fledged multi-media superstar. And I accomplished all of that. And now, now this is where my opponent Sean Savoy fits in.
Sean, take a good look and see. Look around. (The camera pans left and shows the beach. The camera pans right and shows Troy's 11-bedroom mansion. The camera spins around and shows the three bimbos in the hot tub wrestling.) This is... this is what wrestling can get you. This is what the CSWA can get you. If you figure out a way to get it.
You see, Savoy, I found a way to get it. It was by coming out here and doing things differently, creating my own path, forging my own destiny. I was the first wrestler to tell the world he didn't care if he won or loss... as long as he got paid. I was the first wrestler to come out here on national television and have lesbians make out at his command. I figured it out -- I MADE YOU ALL WANT TO SEE ME. And that's what I did. I changed the rules of this game, became the anti-hero, became the SuperStar and became The Epitome.
Savoy, how does it make you feel knowing YOU DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES. You will NEVER have an address in my zip code, pal. You will never buy your clothes from Saville Row in London. You will never have a car that costs more than my WRISTWATCH. You will never be a legend, Savoy. Because if you had what it takes, Savoy, you'd be out here telling the world how IMPORTANT this is to you. How IMPORTANT the 12-pounds of gold and diamonds are to you. How BADLY you want it. Instead, what we get from you, pal... is silence.
I'll give you credit. You've got your cred from all the Indie Hell leagues over there in alphabet soup land, Savoy. You've won titles. You've had a bunch of semi-literate smart marks tell you that you're the best. But, Savoy, what you haven't done... what you haven't done is stepped foot on the big stage. You haven't stepped foot in a REAL promotion. You haven't stepped foot in the CSWA. And you haven't stepped foot in the ring with a REAL superstar. You haven't stepped foot in the ring with Troy Windham.
But soon, soon you will Savoy. You'll get a close, up-front look at what being a REAL legend takes. It doesn't take a 50,000 page-long moveset. It doesn't take a LiveJournal entry detailing your family's heritage and your goth upbringing. Being a real legent, Savoy, means making people WANT to see you in the ring... and then giving them what they want. And what they want to see now, Savoy, is this promotions resident anti-hero... Mister CSWA Troy Windham... beat your ass... and then beat the rest... as he once again fulfills his destiny. The gold and diamonds BELONG to a man who has already has the cars, the jets and the girls. The gold... is coming home... to Big Daddy. (Over his shoulder) I'M COMING GIRLS! (Troy goes running and leaps into the hot tub. FTB)
(CUT TO: The CSWA Tower in Greensboro. Set up front is a podium with a microphone. CSWA Personality Billy Buckley stands in front.)
BUCKLEY: Folks, welcome! We have just received word that there is BREAKING news coming from the Troy Windham camp regarding his upcoming match in San Francisco and the CSWA World Title. We don't have any details but --
(At that point, from the back, come THE MYSTERIOUS ZOLTAN -- shirtless and oiled -- and AUGUST DE LA ROSSI -- wearing a Che! T-Shirt -- come out. August has his Warhol-style watercolor of Troy Windham's face next to him.)
AUGUST: Attention. Or, Achtung as we say in George Bush's AmeriKKKa! I am here with a special announcement on the behalf of my mentor, the benevolent star, his emminence Troy Windham...
BUCKLEY: Oh, will you just get on with it?
AUGUST: (Sneers at Buckley.) Ladies and gentleman, I am here to announce that Troy Windham... has issued an AMBER ALERT for the CSWA World Title. This title RIGHTFULLY belongs to him and has GONE MISSING. Anyone else daring to GO AFTER The Epitome's title is in violation of the proclomation from this sport's true KING OF KINGS... anyone found in VIOLATION of the issued AMBER ALERT will not just be fined, but they will also be systematically destroyed financially, mentally, physically and... if they cross paths with me in art school... AESTHETICALLY! ESPECIALLY if they are one of the mindless sheep who comprise The Red States! As you know, I am on the CUTTING EDGE! I am VEGAN! I buy ORGANIC GROCERIES! I have the new BLOC PARTY album--
BUCKLEY: (sighs, rolls his eyes.) Folks, we'll be back...
(August continues to ramble, spouting the usual leftist gibberish, the last words heard are FREE MUMIA!)
FADEIN-- Le Chateau du Phenizzle in Orlando, Florida - 5:46 P.M.
The PHENOM, decked from head to toe in silver sequins, sporting his trademark Pebbles Flintstone hair-style, laughs maniacally as his vibrating bed works its wonder on his aching joints. Suddenly, he takes notice of the fact he is being filmed, shuts down the "magic fingers", and shoots a piercing gaze into the camera.
SAVOY: Sometimes in life, certain moments come when you've just had enough. Some JACKHOLE has poured from the pitcher of asininity for SOOOOOOOOOOO long, you've just gotta say WHEN! Troy Wind-HAM, you are that jackhole... and my cup is overflowing!
He holds his finger up, indicating a pause, takes a sip from the martini on his nightstand, grins with much cheese, then continues.
SAVOY: Then again, how concerned should I really be about a guy who claims to be my own, personal Jesus? Seriously, DEPECHE MODE is your battle cry?! I'd say you're leaving us with certain questions about your orientation, but after the latest bit of thong-sporting, man-servant business... I'd say the answer to those questions are clear like my complexion... my silky, shiny, vibrant complexion!!! Heh, at any rate, your taste in man-love isn't the point here... and besides, why even mention your thong-laden backside when I've got the BEST ONE ON THE PLANET!!!
Suddenly, the Phenom leaps to a standing position on the bed and sheds his sequin robe, revealing a Hello Kitty shirt and zebra-patterned thong of his own. He then pulls a Stacy Keibler turn and bend, revealing the Mickey Mouse tattoo on his right buttock.
SAVOY: BEHOLD MY ASS... straight from the Magic Kingdom, nnnnnnnnnndaddio!!! Like Jiminy Cricket says, when you wish upon a star... YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!!
Savoy nods his head in approval, then returns to a sitting position at the foot of his bed.
SAVOY: So now that I've done MY bit for the girlies, let's get down to the steak n' eggs of the situation, shall we? First and foremost, your claims that my illustrious career ain't so illustrious because I've been mired in the muck of Indie Hell. I mean, yeah... I guess you could say that, but if a place like WFW, a place that brings the best talent from every corner of the globe and throws it all together like some crazy, ass-kicking, spandex-encrusted bowl of jambalaya is Indie Hell, just what does that make the CSWA?! A league that hit its peak 8 years ago and has been on the slippery slope downward ever since? A league that's been soooooo utterly SCREWBALLED by controversy, complacency, and changing ownership that it couldn't hold more than what, 5 or 6 shows a year for the last 5 years?! I mean, the proof is in the pudding here, Wind-HAM... these so-called Alphabet Soup leagues you're calling out, they passed this place up years ago... and you know what? It's all your fault!
He chuckles to himself
SAVOY: 'Joo damned right, hombre! You and guys like you are the reason this place has folded like a bad hand of Hold 'Em. Hell, that's why I'm here! For far too long, the Wind-HAM's, the Hornet's and the Joey Melton's of the world have sat like fat-cats while this place has become a joke. Enter JA, Enter Alias... and HERE COMES THE PHENOM to thrust his unique brand of jiggy freshness right up the Cee-Ess-Dubbya-Ay's ASS!!! I know y'all have been numb like novocaine for the better part of a decade, but when the HART-THROB is all up in ya, you're gonna feel it!
After getting to his feet, he shakes his pelvis like Elvis, reapplies his sequins, then finishes the rest of his drink. He then tosses the glass aside, steps to the camera, and grabs in by the lens.
SAVOY: Bottom line, boys... the CSWA title isn't even worthy of it's own history at this point. Where Wind-HAM sees twelve or so pounds of gold, I see the mark of a once mighty establishment that's been beaten and battered to such a degree by its own roster of lazy wankers, it's barely recognizable. But hey, no worries... El Hoombre Magniiiiiiiiiificoooooooooo is HERE! I'm big, I'm BAD, and I'm Britney's Baby Daddy! And after working my way through the pitiful ranks of this tournament, I'll be the CSWA champion too!! Maybe then people will actually start to care again. Call it an OUTRAGE, call it a MOCKERY, call it our Boy Troy here and his hairy, li'l servant in man-on-man action if ya like, rest assured... it's the TRUTH!! The PHENOM... has left... the BUILDING!!!
Re: May 2: Bracket Three - Troy Windham vs. Shawn Savoy
(CUT TO: Troy Windham, next to a television set. A befuddled look on his face.)
TROY: Wow. I didn't know that someone would take the dedication from their day to remember line-by-line a promo I cut in 1997. That's cute, Savoy, Hart, whatever... since you're a big fan, I'll make sure I sign you an autograph. And then you can show it off to all those great, world-class wrestlers in the WFW promotion about the time you stepped foot in the ring with a REAL legend. (FTB)
FADE IN: A sound stage at CS Towers in Greensboro, N.C. - 2:14 A.M.
The PHENOM, decked out in powder-blue velour, stands with a smug expression on his face before a retro 70's, toilet-water yellow refrigerator covered with alphabet magnets. The majority of the letters are haphazardly grouped together without rhyme or reason, but above the jumbled magnet mess, the letters 'C-S-W-A' are carefully arranged and prominently displayed. After a tight shot on the letters, the camera locks in on the Phenom.
TP: My oh my... My dear Mr. Wind-HAM... affected like an assh(FCC)le American Idol contestant, minus the fringe benefits with Paula Abdul. Chock-full of delusions and totally clueless. Heh, you think I want YOUR autograph?! I wouldn't wipe me ARSE with a paper you signed... unless, of course, I was out of TP, but when it comes to having a CLEAN BOTTOM, principle takes a BACK SEAT... A-ha... PUN INTENDED!! But I doth digress here, as the matter at hand isn't my ass, or even your crappy singing voice. Nah, y'see... I haven't come to hate, I've come to EDUCATE! Cuz heaven knows... you, my friend, are sorely lacking in that department....
He snickers at himself for an unusually long amount of time. Suddenly, the phrase "JENNY'S BIRTHDAY - AGE 9 - 10/14/2004" appear on the screen. The Phenom sees this on a monitor, then glares at the camera-man.
TP: What the HELL, mang?!
CAMERA-MAN: Uhhh, sorry... that's my fault. I brought this camera from home...
TP: Maaaaaaaan, brought it from home?! I knew this place was a joke when I saw they were using hand-helds in the production studio, but you're telling me you had to bring the thing from home?! PUH!! And what in the name of Maurice Clarett are you doing fluffin' with the buttons like that anyway, we're in the middle of something here, you JACKHOLE! I paid for this spot out of my own pocket, Jackson... and that makes ME the boss! It's MY shot, MY studio, and MY camera!! That being the case, when you handle MY UNIT, you handle it like you'd handle your own!
CAMERA-MAN: Excuse me?!
TP: Fix the problem, ASS!!!
CAMERA-MAN: Uhhh, sorry Mr. Savoy, sir... we'll have this fixed up in no time...
Suddenly, the screen goes blue.
TP: Egads, man! Now I've disappeared altogether!! Seriously, this is what you call the BIG TIME, Wind-HAM?!
After the tweaking of some buttons, the Phenom reappears on screen, turned from the camera, ass-up, and hunched over to pick up his microphone, which fell in the confusion. After picking it up and reapplying it, he collects himself, runs a hand through his flowing blonde locks, then turns back to the shot.
TP: NOW, as I was saying, I'm here to educate you, Troy-Boy. Lesson Numero Uno - ALPHABET SOUP!!!
The Phenom pulls a pointer at of his pants and slaps it against the refrigerator.
TP: Here we have the CSWA... I'm not sure what exactly it means at this point, but considering your Mr. CSWA handle... and after hearing you rant and rave about your history with the promotion, I'm guessin' you think it means "Chad Says I'll Win it All". Hell, if the shoe fits, right? But that simply won't do... so maybe we should change things up a bit. Let's see here...
He steps in front of the fridge, moves some things around, then steps back to the side. Having removed the 'C' and rearranged the other magnets, the letters 'S-A-W' remained.
TP: Worst... movie... ever.
The Phenom returns the C, jumbles things around a bit, and this time, the letters 'C-A-W-S' are left.
TP: CAWS... well, what can I say about this one. I have a really good Randy Savage CAW for Smackdown 5, but now's not the time or place, so....
Savoy steps before the refrigerator for a third time, however, this time he frantically moves several letters about, finally settling on 'T-P-G-K-Y-A-S-B-Y-O-W-F-I'.
TP: TPGKYASBYOWFI!!! This one means the Phenom's gonna kick your ass sooooooo BAD, your orthodontist will feel it! Highly appropriate considering the circumstances, don't-chu think? I mean here you are, spittin' your rhetoric about how you're gonna win this tournament and take home the strap because of your history?! Because you DESERVE IT?! PSHAW!! The Chicago Bulls have a nice history with their 6 titles, and I'm sure they deserved another shot... did THEY win another title?! Of course, if one were high... or just plain stupid, one could argue that Gordon and Co. have an outside shot at the crown this year, but until this season, they were counting ping-pong balls every summer for 7 years. If that's the criteria for deserving competitors with a history of winning returning to prominence, I think I'll take my chances. That being said, allow me to be the first to congratulate you on your title victory in... 2004?!
The Phenom shakes his head in disgust.
TP: Tell ya what, Boy Troy... why don't we pull the plug on these little games and I'll kick it to ya in terms you can understand..
He smacks most of the magnets off of the fridge, then places the nubmers '1-2-3' at the forefront.
TP; That's it, Sally. That says it all. I hit you, you hit the canvas, the ref hits the 1-2-3, and I'm hittin' a nice piece of your brother's niece from behind in the back of my car after the show. That's the truth, bub... and sometimes... the truth hurts. The PHENOM... has left.. the BUILDING!!
(CUT TO: CSWA TV Personality Billy Buckley, in his suit and blazer, stands before a podium. On the podium is a canvas, obscured by a grey draping. Seated around the podium are a hodgepodge of art-snobs, sipping white wine and eating decadent cheeses.)
BUCKLEY: (In a hushed whisper.) Folks, we here at U-62 have just learned that August De La Rossi, who has become Troy Windham's mouthpiece in recent weeks, will be making a stunning announcement. Apparently, Windham has commissioned De La Rossi to debut a piece commemorating his next match with "The Phenom" Shawn Savoy. This piece, according to a press release, is alleged to change the history and direction of art history as we know it, according to the camp from Troy Windham's Entourage. Many of Greensboro, North Carolina's leading arts purveyours are on hand to witness the debut of this piece -- and here he comes now!
(August comes walking out wearing a grey jacket artfully worn over a BRIGHT EYES t-shirt. De La Rossi walks out as some flashbulbs pop. De La Rossi poses, kneeling down and holding two fingers out sideways, then strokes his goat-tee like his thoughts are elsewhere.)
AUGUST: Thank you all for attending. As you know, I am August De La Rossi... the hottest young property in both the wrestling industry and the world of avante-garde art! I am both an athlete AND an artiste, capable of impressing the sheep we call AmeriKKKans with both my dazzling array of aerial maneuvers and my stunning knowledge of Stone Roses b-sides and for my collection of op-ed pieces published on MoveOn.Org's live blog. But today... today I will impress you all with my latest work!
(August leaps down, before the podium so his canvas hawks above him.)
AUGUST: You see, my patriach in this industry is the great man, The Epitome Troy Windham. Troy Windham has done it all in this industry. He has won titles. He has broken the will of his opponents. But, most importantly, Troy Windham SAVED this industry from the dullards and illiterates who populate this sport's locker rooms. Troy Windham MADE WRESTLING COOL. And, along the way, he became the posterchild for my generation. And today, out of the greatness of his large heart, Windham once again is on a mission to SAVE THIS INDUSTRY. As wrestling's PERSONAL JESUS, Windham has guaranteed... in the Gospel According to Big Daddy T... that he will once again win the CSWA World Title and once again make it the greatest title in this industry. And to commemorate his latest achievement, my mentor Troy Windham has commissioned me to design a piece which properly shows how he feels about his first opponent.
(August puts his hands on his hips and lears over his audience.)
AUGUST: Now, Troy cannot be here for this unveiling. He is currently hosting a taping for VH-1's Top 50 Artists Too Cool For Mainstream Idiots Like Yourselves To Know... but he sends his regards! However, he has authorized this work to show you how he feels about The so-called Phenom Scott Savoy... a man who has made his living by essentially plagarizing and lifting Troy Windham's career, circa 1997. Savoy, who in the sub-text of his words and work has shown himself to be a JEALOUS man, a man wanting of Troy Windham's vast wealth, vaster success and... of course... a man who understands that he could never be the Sexual Dynamo that is Troy Windham. Savoy, deep down, understands that he is a wanna-be who spends his weekday nights crying and his weekend nights crying even more... because he is nothing more than... THE GREAT MASTURBATOR!
AUGUST: This is my latest work, a work which will no doubt provoke the wrestling community and the arts community... a community which has to this point ignored me, a community which does not understand my genius! But alas, you WILL understand my genius with this work... just as Troy Windham will destroy The Phenom in a matter of mere days!
(August bows and then walks off. The art-snobs look confused and annoyed. FTB.)
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