Shawn Jessica Hart, PhD. (C) presents his "Chaos Theory"
* Shawn Hart RP for C02.
FADE IN:
The STUDY at Le Chateau du Phenom, the swanky Orlando estate of the New Era Champion PRO WRESTLING'S SJH.
Decked out in a lab coat and some killer bifocals, the Phenom is busy brushing the dust off of his prized collection of Cobra action figures. All the major players are there, from Cobra Commander and Serpentor right on down the list to tertiary Dreadnok lieutenants Zandar and Zaran.
Just as Shawn finishes the cleaning of his collectibles and begins to arrange them into a series of sweet battle poses, he takes notice of the cameras, chuckles heartily, then grabs a long pointer off of a nearby desk and trudges toward a chalkboard on the wall behind him.
SJH: "Helllooooo class. THIS is Phenomology 1-0-1, I'm Professor Schlong.... and for today's lesson, we will explore the ins n' outs, the ups and downs, the STEAK n' EGGS of a little something I like to call the Chaos Theory."
He pauses, then peers upward with a look of whimsy.
SJH: "Heh. Schlong...."
Hart nods the nod of self-approval.
SJH: "SO... astronomers will tell us that black holes are these bad-ass masses that basically crush all matter, time and energy, leaving NARY a light particle to escape... or some such business. Errrrr...... ..Right?"
He peers to somebody off camera. The shot pans, revealing said individual as an elderly man with horseshoe hair, a goatee, a monocle over his left eye and a lab coat of his own.
BRAINY GUY: "Ehhh... close enough."
CUT TO: SJH, nodding once more.
SJH: "RIGHT!! So with that being the case in space, we need only to apply Einstein's Theory of Relativity that what goes up, must come down, yin and yang, for every apple... there's an orange, and so on and so forth to arrive at the UNDENIABLE conclusion that if black holes exist in outer space, so too must some ungodly, unholy, life-sucking equivalent exist down here on the Gaea..."
He turns to a second cameraman.
SJH: "That's Earth... Right?"
CUT TO: The elderly fellow in the lab coat, this time speaking inexplicably in a bad German accent.
BRAINY GUY: "That is correct."
The Camera pans back to SJH who concludes the explanation of his theory.
SJH: "Therefore it is MY hypothesis that this soulless, atom-crushing void is none other than my endlessly underwhelming opponent, he who REFUSES to see the writing on the wall to march off into obscurity where he belongs, the NEFARIOUS jaybird known as CHAOS!!"
*GASP!*
SJH: "I know, right? But the facts are undeniable. For years on end, Chaos has been ensnared in and perpetrating upon any and all unfortunate enough to stray onto his path an unending, invincible quagmire of SUCK that would consume every last ounce of positive energy it encounters! And hand to my heart, with GOD as my witness, if somebody doesn't stop him... our very EXISTENCE is at stake!"
More unidentified GASPing... but Shawn is there to reassure us.
SJH: "Which is why the lot of you are so damned lucky I'm here! Because when Big Daddy TOOL and I meet in the squared circle, his reign anti-matter, anti-AWESOME CHAOS will inevitably come to an end!! Cry as he might about shenanigans, Backyardigans, Bob Balabans, or my buddies busting down the ramp, barreling into the ring, and bashing him on the head to seal the deal for yours truly, and whatever the hell else he was BABBLING about during his Whine-a-thon, the fact of the matter is that I've NEVER needed such devices to destroy him...
And the same holds true today."
SJH's Scientist friend concurs.
SJH: "Call it a mockery, call it an OUTRAGE, I call it the truth!! And the TRUTH of the matter here is that THIS is one black hole that ain't gonna crush my light or anyone elses NO MO!"
He licks his lips in a manner most salivatory.
SJH: "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go reconfigure Destro's hands so he's grabbing the Baroness's BOOBS!
The PHENOM has left the building!"
FADE TO BLACK.
