jediPREZ
Shadowboss
(SFX: Click!)
"INTRUDER Alert! INTRUDER Alert! (V/O's: "SHHHHH!", "Quiet!") Welcome to another mystery case solved by the Miles Investigation Agency. We return inside the heart of all vermin, evil, stench, grime, slime and disease (V/O: "SHHHH! Turn that off!) the town of Sweetwater, Texas. (V/O: "HEY! F(BLEEP!) OFF!") It was that time of year again when our star 'COCKY' CRAIG MILES (canned applause!) would need to save a Pay Per View event - possibly bought by millions of human beings. Without any charisma, without any luster, without any star-quality - this event could incite riots in small little towns such as Greensboro. Being a Professional in the lost art of HEAT, our star along with superfriends Eddie Mayfield and GUNS (canned applause!) formed the supercoalition known as the Intruders! (shrill piercing alarms! V/O: "SHHHH!") This supergroup have become hellbent on destroying the evil purveryors of Suckitude - funded by evil men named Chad and Steve White (BLEEP!)holes. (V/O's: "SHHHH!", "QUIET!") It wasn't going to be easy fighting this much Suckitude - Battle of the Belts would be walking into the eye of the storm. Not only had our Supergroup been put on two different sides pit against each other, but our hero ONLY with his longtime friend Eddie Mayfield would have to do battle with such suckitude as Shane Southern - a broken record with a hick accent. Tom Adler - a man with seven straight years of general suckitude. Our hero would have to befriend a preacher and a wealthy Brit - how original. But the key, didn't lie there that night. The gateway lied inside the largest stigma of them all." (V/O: "Excuse me, sir.")
"'COCKY' CRAIG MILES sat inside the Sweetwater County Library contemplating these troubles as he scoured any information he could regarding one man, one stigma, one disease-raddled waste of human feces - Troy Windham. (V/O: "Sir, I need to speak with you.") The second man ever to call himself the King of all Media, watched by one thousand nationwide - Troy Windham had returned to the world in an attempt to suck it down the long, winding drain of suckitude he had constructed since the 1996 - the Year of the Flannel. (V/O: "SIR!") As our hero scoured registry upon registry of information - perhaps tens of thousands of pages linked to the Windham name in Sweetwater - he felt he was onto something big, something unbelievable, but deep down something frightening as well. (V/O: "SIR, if you DON'T turn that off I'm going to have to ask you to leave!) Now only if the skank-ass whore of a librarian with breasts sagging below her waistline would shut the hell up and let our hero think."
(SFX: CLICK!)
(CUTTO: MILES looking up as he blows a smoke ring into the face of an elder woman with fire red hair and a horrible makeup job...obviously, the Librarian.)
LIBRARIAN: "There's no smoking in here. And please turn that (the camera pans and shows a boombox on the floor!) off as well. There's no audio allowed in here."
MILES: "I'm sorry after looking at you, I'm blind and can't read signs anymore."
LIBRARIAN: "Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."
MILES: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Here. (MILES ashes out the cigarette into his portable ashtray) Listen, it's just I've been here for quite awhile and I'm having trouble getting the information I need on the Windhams."
LIBRARIAN: (while laughing) "There's a whole lotta Windhams around these parts, you gotta be more specific than that!"
MILES: "Well, I guess it starts with Troy--"
LIBRARIAN: "Oh, I just love him! Ain't he grand?"
MILES: "Ummmm...no. (the LIBRARIAN gets leery-eyed) I'm looking for information about him from the past, like about his parents or something. Maybe that aunt he lived with---"
LIBRARIAN: (angrily!) "We don't have information on that damned aunt, here. And I don't appreciate ya talkin' bad about the Sweetwater King of Media. (MILES laughs!) What's so funny?"
MILES: "Ma'am, maybe I should give you some facts that obviously the 'media' here has compromised. Back a long time ago, the Windhams USED to be decent. They went about their business, put asses in the seats and delivered a good show. They weren't the best, they weren't great - but the fans liked 'em and they liked their job. Just a couple of good 'ol boys havin' a good time in the wrasslin' life, y'know? Then the proverbial (BLEEP!) hit the fan. In one horrid Behind the Music Special to the next, Mark Windham and Troy Windham spent years soiling their reputations, degrading their name, boring the hell out of millions of viewers with the most long-winded and boring drama this side of a Jane Austen adaptation. (the LIBRARIAN looks exasperated) Listen, I'm not saying there's all hope lost - but lets face it the Windham name is worth as much as a pile of dog(BLEEP!). (the LIBRARIAN still in shock, starts nodding at people off-camera) I mean have you ever seen a worse cranium-goring duo then those two? I mean you play want to play that game with me, where you say Mark Windham and I say the first thing that comes to my mind?"
LIBRARIAN: "Mark Windham."
MILES: "BORRRRRRRRING. How many times do I have to AWAKEN to the TRUTH that Mark Windham should be the spokesperson for Paxil or Prozac? Seriously, either that or Advil and Tylenol should buy the rights to some of his promos. Start playing those over the airwaves and people will be forming lines outside 7-11 to get rid of their headaches. (the LIBRARIAN just stands their wide-eyed and open-mouthed) Alright Troy Windham?"
LIBRARIAN: "Sir, I-I-I don't know where you think you are, but..."
MILES: "TRRRRRRRRROY WINDHAM. Where do I even begin? Should I start with how his crotch will rot off by his 33rd birthday 'cause he still can't get off his addiction of banging dirty 14 year old hookers? He talks about Nixon like he was EVER able to touch her and I still ask why he has the same desktop wallpaper from 1992. Why? 'Cause it's the freakin' Olsen twins...at age 11! Listen, I know y'all in Texas like to do funny things sometimes - but that ain't the way to bring up your kids."
(MILES stops in mid-rant and realizes he's now surrounded by around 15 men...and they don't look happy! SFX: CLICK! "Our hero realized he was in trouble.")
MILES: (nervously) "So, if you could help me out with this - that'd be great."
LIBRARIAN: "I don't think so, sir."
MILES: "Oh come on, what's the problem? I don't like the Windhams (the crowd takes one step in closer around MILES) is that a crime here?"
LIBRARIAN: "Actually...yes."
MILES: "Oh. Well, not everyone here does - I'm sure! (MILES walks over to a guy in the crowd) What's your name, bro?"
MAN: "Bert Windham."
MILES: "Who's that your holding hands with?"
MAN: "Ernie Windham."
MILES: "Oooooook. (MILES walks over to another man) What's your name?"
MAN: "Larry Windham."
MILES: "And the two guys that look like you?"
MAN: "Gary, Harry and Barry Windham Jr."
MILES: "Good lord. How many Windhams are in this room?"
(EVERYONE, including the LIBRARIAN raises their hand! MILES does a Mel Brooks double take and nearly flips over the table! MILES slowly bends down to pick up his boombox...)
MILES: "Y'know what I should be getting out of here..."
MAN: "GET HIM!"
(The crowd with the LIBRARIAN doing a HUGE splash last onto the pile crushes down on MILES! CUTTO: A big pile squirming and yelling - MILES squirms out from under it and grabs his boombox! He scurries up and runs, turns to look back - and sees the pile still clammering to get him.)
MILES: "Sure are Windhams, alright." (MILES pulls out a cigarette and lights it and runs!)
(CUTTO: MILES scampering outside onto Main St. - Sweetwater, Texas. Upon running out, MILES stops dead in his tracks shocked!)
(MILES: "Holy (bleep!). I'm in the twilight zone."
(CUTTO: The camera pans around Main St. - businesses such as "WINDHAM CLEANERS," "WINDHAM ARCADE," "UNCLE/COUSIN LARRY, GARY AND BARRY JR.'s TEXAS BBQ PIT," "WINDHAM MASSAGES & HAPPY ENDINGS.")
(MILES hits play on his boombox which CUES UP: The Homer Simpson sad walking music. As MILES walks down Main St., we see more signs such as "WINDHAM'S WATERING HOLE," "WINDHAM HARDWARE and FETISHES,"TROY'S UNDERAGE DRINKING TAVERN." All of a sudden, a hand touches MILES' shoulder. He hits Stop on the boombox and turns around face to face with a cloaked stranger.)
WOMAN'S VOICE: "Mr. Miles, I have information you might want to bring to Washington D.C."
MILES: "Listen, lady - why should I trust you?"
(the woman takes the hood off her cloak, but the camera is now showing a behind the back view of her)
WOMAN'S VOICE: "Because I HATE Troy Windham."
(SFX: CLICK!)
"Our hero couldn't remember the face, or could he? So familiar, yet so long ago. Not a groupie, no he had documentation of those...not a porno mag, you just don't forget those. Then our hero recognized the figure in front of him and knew he had enough ammunition to save Washington D.C. at Battle of the Belts. (WOMAN'S V/O: "Well, do you want it or not?") He couldn't wait to show Eddie, he couldn't wait to hear GUNS' laughter over the Verizon cellular phone he owned. He could hear them now, the pleading from Troy Windham not to expose the truth. It was all coming to an end at Battle of the Belts. Finally, the stigma would be removed. And maybe, just maybe our hero could finally find the cure from this newfound disease of people hearing his thoughts. Ay-ho, Flair, Stevens - someday they'd pay for spreading it so carelessly. DEARLY."
(SFX: CLICK! FTB)
"INTRUDER Alert! INTRUDER Alert! (V/O's: "SHHHHH!", "Quiet!") Welcome to another mystery case solved by the Miles Investigation Agency. We return inside the heart of all vermin, evil, stench, grime, slime and disease (V/O: "SHHHH! Turn that off!) the town of Sweetwater, Texas. (V/O: "HEY! F(BLEEP!) OFF!") It was that time of year again when our star 'COCKY' CRAIG MILES (canned applause!) would need to save a Pay Per View event - possibly bought by millions of human beings. Without any charisma, without any luster, without any star-quality - this event could incite riots in small little towns such as Greensboro. Being a Professional in the lost art of HEAT, our star along with superfriends Eddie Mayfield and GUNS (canned applause!) formed the supercoalition known as the Intruders! (shrill piercing alarms! V/O: "SHHHH!") This supergroup have become hellbent on destroying the evil purveryors of Suckitude - funded by evil men named Chad and Steve White (BLEEP!)holes. (V/O's: "SHHHH!", "QUIET!") It wasn't going to be easy fighting this much Suckitude - Battle of the Belts would be walking into the eye of the storm. Not only had our Supergroup been put on two different sides pit against each other, but our hero ONLY with his longtime friend Eddie Mayfield would have to do battle with such suckitude as Shane Southern - a broken record with a hick accent. Tom Adler - a man with seven straight years of general suckitude. Our hero would have to befriend a preacher and a wealthy Brit - how original. But the key, didn't lie there that night. The gateway lied inside the largest stigma of them all." (V/O: "Excuse me, sir.")
"'COCKY' CRAIG MILES sat inside the Sweetwater County Library contemplating these troubles as he scoured any information he could regarding one man, one stigma, one disease-raddled waste of human feces - Troy Windham. (V/O: "Sir, I need to speak with you.") The second man ever to call himself the King of all Media, watched by one thousand nationwide - Troy Windham had returned to the world in an attempt to suck it down the long, winding drain of suckitude he had constructed since the 1996 - the Year of the Flannel. (V/O: "SIR!") As our hero scoured registry upon registry of information - perhaps tens of thousands of pages linked to the Windham name in Sweetwater - he felt he was onto something big, something unbelievable, but deep down something frightening as well. (V/O: "SIR, if you DON'T turn that off I'm going to have to ask you to leave!) Now only if the skank-ass whore of a librarian with breasts sagging below her waistline would shut the hell up and let our hero think."
(SFX: CLICK!)
(CUTTO: MILES looking up as he blows a smoke ring into the face of an elder woman with fire red hair and a horrible makeup job...obviously, the Librarian.)
LIBRARIAN: "There's no smoking in here. And please turn that (the camera pans and shows a boombox on the floor!) off as well. There's no audio allowed in here."
MILES: "I'm sorry after looking at you, I'm blind and can't read signs anymore."
LIBRARIAN: "Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."
MILES: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Here. (MILES ashes out the cigarette into his portable ashtray) Listen, it's just I've been here for quite awhile and I'm having trouble getting the information I need on the Windhams."
LIBRARIAN: (while laughing) "There's a whole lotta Windhams around these parts, you gotta be more specific than that!"
MILES: "Well, I guess it starts with Troy--"
LIBRARIAN: "Oh, I just love him! Ain't he grand?"
MILES: "Ummmm...no. (the LIBRARIAN gets leery-eyed) I'm looking for information about him from the past, like about his parents or something. Maybe that aunt he lived with---"
LIBRARIAN: (angrily!) "We don't have information on that damned aunt, here. And I don't appreciate ya talkin' bad about the Sweetwater King of Media. (MILES laughs!) What's so funny?"
MILES: "Ma'am, maybe I should give you some facts that obviously the 'media' here has compromised. Back a long time ago, the Windhams USED to be decent. They went about their business, put asses in the seats and delivered a good show. They weren't the best, they weren't great - but the fans liked 'em and they liked their job. Just a couple of good 'ol boys havin' a good time in the wrasslin' life, y'know? Then the proverbial (BLEEP!) hit the fan. In one horrid Behind the Music Special to the next, Mark Windham and Troy Windham spent years soiling their reputations, degrading their name, boring the hell out of millions of viewers with the most long-winded and boring drama this side of a Jane Austen adaptation. (the LIBRARIAN looks exasperated) Listen, I'm not saying there's all hope lost - but lets face it the Windham name is worth as much as a pile of dog(BLEEP!). (the LIBRARIAN still in shock, starts nodding at people off-camera) I mean have you ever seen a worse cranium-goring duo then those two? I mean you play want to play that game with me, where you say Mark Windham and I say the first thing that comes to my mind?"
LIBRARIAN: "Mark Windham."
MILES: "BORRRRRRRRING. How many times do I have to AWAKEN to the TRUTH that Mark Windham should be the spokesperson for Paxil or Prozac? Seriously, either that or Advil and Tylenol should buy the rights to some of his promos. Start playing those over the airwaves and people will be forming lines outside 7-11 to get rid of their headaches. (the LIBRARIAN just stands their wide-eyed and open-mouthed) Alright Troy Windham?"
LIBRARIAN: "Sir, I-I-I don't know where you think you are, but..."
MILES: "TRRRRRRRRROY WINDHAM. Where do I even begin? Should I start with how his crotch will rot off by his 33rd birthday 'cause he still can't get off his addiction of banging dirty 14 year old hookers? He talks about Nixon like he was EVER able to touch her and I still ask why he has the same desktop wallpaper from 1992. Why? 'Cause it's the freakin' Olsen twins...at age 11! Listen, I know y'all in Texas like to do funny things sometimes - but that ain't the way to bring up your kids."
(MILES stops in mid-rant and realizes he's now surrounded by around 15 men...and they don't look happy! SFX: CLICK! "Our hero realized he was in trouble.")
MILES: (nervously) "So, if you could help me out with this - that'd be great."
LIBRARIAN: "I don't think so, sir."
MILES: "Oh come on, what's the problem? I don't like the Windhams (the crowd takes one step in closer around MILES) is that a crime here?"
LIBRARIAN: "Actually...yes."
MILES: "Oh. Well, not everyone here does - I'm sure! (MILES walks over to a guy in the crowd) What's your name, bro?"
MAN: "Bert Windham."
MILES: "Who's that your holding hands with?"
MAN: "Ernie Windham."
MILES: "Oooooook. (MILES walks over to another man) What's your name?"
MAN: "Larry Windham."
MILES: "And the two guys that look like you?"
MAN: "Gary, Harry and Barry Windham Jr."
MILES: "Good lord. How many Windhams are in this room?"
(EVERYONE, including the LIBRARIAN raises their hand! MILES does a Mel Brooks double take and nearly flips over the table! MILES slowly bends down to pick up his boombox...)
MILES: "Y'know what I should be getting out of here..."
MAN: "GET HIM!"
(The crowd with the LIBRARIAN doing a HUGE splash last onto the pile crushes down on MILES! CUTTO: A big pile squirming and yelling - MILES squirms out from under it and grabs his boombox! He scurries up and runs, turns to look back - and sees the pile still clammering to get him.)
MILES: "Sure are Windhams, alright." (MILES pulls out a cigarette and lights it and runs!)
(CUTTO: MILES scampering outside onto Main St. - Sweetwater, Texas. Upon running out, MILES stops dead in his tracks shocked!)
(MILES: "Holy (bleep!). I'm in the twilight zone."
(CUTTO: The camera pans around Main St. - businesses such as "WINDHAM CLEANERS," "WINDHAM ARCADE," "UNCLE/COUSIN LARRY, GARY AND BARRY JR.'s TEXAS BBQ PIT," "WINDHAM MASSAGES & HAPPY ENDINGS.")
(MILES hits play on his boombox which CUES UP: The Homer Simpson sad walking music. As MILES walks down Main St., we see more signs such as "WINDHAM'S WATERING HOLE," "WINDHAM HARDWARE and FETISHES,"TROY'S UNDERAGE DRINKING TAVERN." All of a sudden, a hand touches MILES' shoulder. He hits Stop on the boombox and turns around face to face with a cloaked stranger.)
WOMAN'S VOICE: "Mr. Miles, I have information you might want to bring to Washington D.C."
MILES: "Listen, lady - why should I trust you?"
(the woman takes the hood off her cloak, but the camera is now showing a behind the back view of her)
WOMAN'S VOICE: "Because I HATE Troy Windham."
(SFX: CLICK!)
"Our hero couldn't remember the face, or could he? So familiar, yet so long ago. Not a groupie, no he had documentation of those...not a porno mag, you just don't forget those. Then our hero recognized the figure in front of him and knew he had enough ammunition to save Washington D.C. at Battle of the Belts. (WOMAN'S V/O: "Well, do you want it or not?") He couldn't wait to show Eddie, he couldn't wait to hear GUNS' laughter over the Verizon cellular phone he owned. He could hear them now, the pleading from Troy Windham not to expose the truth. It was all coming to an end at Battle of the Belts. Finally, the stigma would be removed. And maybe, just maybe our hero could finally find the cure from this newfound disease of people hearing his thoughts. Ay-ho, Flair, Stevens - someday they'd pay for spreading it so carelessly. DEARLY."
(SFX: CLICK! FTB)