I Want My Own Damn Tread Too

[MrWest]

(CUT TO: CondoTremendous where ProfessorT sits in his easy chair polishing his CSWA UNIFIED World Title* Belt. He seems oblivious to the camera's presence.)

Okay. You got it. Now what?

PROF: Huh?

You got your own thread. Now what?

PROF: I dunno. I was thinking of just chilling.

You can't just chill. If you're going to have you're own thread you gotta do something big. Boff in intern. Hunt vampires. Do something with COLOR orFlair.

PROF: Flair can get his own damn thread.

Actually, I think he already has.

PROF: Well good for him.

At least he's doing something with it.

PROF: Yeah?

Yeah! He's calling people out. He's here with a purpose.

PROF: Well That's certainly bold of him.

Hey, you should at least call someone out.

PROF: Nope.

Say something quixotic about Troy Windham then.

PROF: I'm really not in the mood.

Well if you are not in the mood maybe we should have Chad or Thomas or someone just delete this thread.

PROF: No. Don't do that.

See. I knew you wanted it. Now call someone out or I am hitting the mod button.

PROF: Okay. Give me a name.

All right...um...Kevin "K-9" Watson

PROF: Hey Kevin "K-9" Watson, I'm so awesome! Kevin "K-9" Watson likes to have sex with Lance Bass! He's almost as useless as a third Simpson sister! Excuse me whilst I drink this cool Zima and make out with and/or demean this hot woman because I'm so much better than you!, Kevin "K-9" Watson.

You know that could get you in trouble in some places.

PROF: Not in any places the know the difference between plagarism and the doctrine of Fair Use.

Fair enough. Now why don't you take a capricious shot at Windham and we will call it a day.

PROF: Hey Troy. You see how I broke the Fourth Wall just now. Well that's exactly how I am going to break you.

 

[MrWest]

(CUT TO: The CondoTremendous cloakroom - Sounds on moaning can be heard within. Suddenly the door flies open and TeamT's head lackey, Tuss, stands there watching as ProfessorTremendous frantcally makes out with some random, female CSWA employee.)

TUSS: Oh there you are.

PROF: Well yeah....um...Trini here works in the CSWA talent relations office and....

KATY: That's Katy...Trini's my friend that doesn't like roofies.

PROF: Oh sorry about that. Anyway Katy here was just helping me "bone up" on some of the talents {so to speak} that I am scheduled to defend the UNIFIED World Belt against this week.

TUSS: Oh jeez, do you really think this is a good idea? Rumor is that these CSWA office girls are just wacky with Mononucleosis.

PROF: Of course they are. And I am thinking that, if I expect any of these talentless hacks to even give me a halfway challenge for my CSWA UNIFIED World Title, it's only fair that I arrive at the arena weakened my mono. Heck, if I had my druthers I'd find a way to compounding it with walking pneumonia as well just so I can even the field enough to feel like I have been tested.

TUSS: OIC. So anyway, there is a camera crew at the front door saying you are late on your next scheduled promotional spot.

PROF: Sent them away.

TUSS: But apparently Troy Windham has really been busting it this week and folks are saying that he's just about to lap the field?

PROF: Troy Windham? Hey. He's that other CSWA UNIFIED World Champion, isn't he?

TUSS: Exac...

PROF: I was talking to Kelly.

KATY: Well we don't then to use the word "other" when discussing him.

PROF: Perfect. Let him lap the field. I can't think of anything better than this schmuck pissing everyone off and drawing there fire while I just sit back in that center ring quietly watching "the field" takes all there aggressions out on him while I await just the right moment to pounce and eliminate them all to retain my belt.

TUSS: Um...I don't think you get to start in the center ring.

PROF: Why not? I am the CSWA UNIFIED World Champ*, after all.

TUSS: Yeah. But apparently they don't like the asterix.

PROF: What is wrong with the asterix? The asterix is a noble symbol. In some cultures, it is in fact considered the "Lion" of the typewriter keyboard.

TUSS: Not it the cultures on the Carolinas apparently. They are saying you have to start in one of the outside rings.

PROF: Balderdash. Is this true, Connie?

KATY: I'm afraid so. Memo went out last week that they want only ”recognized" CSWA UNIFIED World Champs starting in the center ring.

PROF: What a load? You know I have half a mind just to take my CSWA World Unified Title* Belt right on over to LoC and defend in a company that respects its champions - recognized or not.

(The Good Professor leaps to his feet and storms out of the cloakroom {thus avoiding a plethora of "coming out of the closet" comments from his potential opponents}. Although he has a bundle of clothes in his hand, all he is presently wearing is the CSWA UNIFIED World Title* Belt that conspicuously covers his "stuff".)

KATY: Um...can I have my underwear back?

PROF: Ha! This underwear is going to be on eBay within the half hour. If you want it back, you can buy it there {plus $18.95 for shipping}.
(To Tuss)
OKay, so it looks like we might actually have to prepare for this match ,huh?

TUSS: 'Fraid so.

PROF: Okay have the midget boot up the internet to Ask.com, then you and Tyrone head on down to the library and steal me the latest issue of Highlights while the rest of the team prepares a full scouting report on the entire field.

TUSS: And you'll be soaking in the tub trying to get the stench of that hussy off of you?

PROF: Exactly.

FTB

 

[MrWest]

(CUT TO: The CondoTremendous Hot Tub. The Good Professor soaks. He is hooked up to an intravenous hydrocortizone drip to help combat any potential Epstein-Barr virus infection. Tuss cautiously enters the room.)

TUSS: Professor?

PROF: Yes, vermin?

TUSS: Actually, Vermin was paralyzed during one of your "training sessions" last year, remember? I'm Tuss.

PROF: Oh that's right. And how glad am I that I took out those Accidental Death and Dismemberment policies on all of you before then. Heck, he pretty much bought us that entire new home theater system.
(Beat)
So I guess you are here to tell me about the camera crew.

TUSS: What camera crew?

PROF: That camera crew that is undoubtedly knocking at the front to get my reaction to all the barbs that have most certainly been getting hurled this way by all my eager challengers.

TUSS: Nope. No crew.

PROF: Hmmm. I wonder why that is?

TUSS: No barbs.

PROF: Are you kidding me?

TUSS: Afraid not. I think JA might have mentioned you in passing earlier in the week. And I think Hornet uttered your name in the process of uttering the names of all the competitors sign up for the event (and perhaps a few not sign up as well). But other than that it has been a whole lot of nothing coming at you.

PROF: Well I guess that is to be expected.

TUSS: It is?

PROF: Of course it is. It is a well know fact that most cowards {like those evidentally in this Goldrush Match} have a biological inclination to "turtle up" when confronted with a superior force that they can neither comprehend nor hope to ever defeat and just wish for it to go away. And I can pretty much guarantee you that this is what is happening this week.

TUSS: Really? And here we all were thinking it was because you are a mouthy know-nothing who has yet to bring anything of substance to the table.

PROF: Nor shall I. Substance is for those without Style. And the Good Professor is more Stylish than a gay Frenchman in Milan.

TUSS: Speaking of which, don't forget you are scheduled to defend you CSWA UNIFIED World Title* over at the MCW Finale Show later this week.

PROF: Um...how is that a "speaking of which"?

TUSS: Milan and MCW both begin with "M".

PROF: Ah good point. So who am I facing there anyway?

TUSS: Roderick McRatrick. In a dress....and a funny hat.

PROF: Perfect. Sounds like an easy warm-up match. And is it safe to assume that I should be able to get back here for my Goldrush defense with time to spare?

TUSS: It appears that way. At least a few minutes.

PROF: So I guess I should get started in on that full CSWA scouting report that you and the rest of the team have been working on.

TUSS: Oh...about that...?

PROF: Yes?

TUSS: Well there was this Wayne vs. Eastwood Marathon of Westerns on TNT this week....

PROF: Say no more. Can you give me anything though?

TUSS: Um...I think Ang Anon's brother might be one of the guys you could potentially be facng this week.

PROF: Great. Send him in.

TUSS: HEY A_A.! WE NEED YOU!

(The door immediately opens an Angleholic Anonymous enters swiftly.)

PROF: Quick. What can you tell me about your brother?

AA: I hate him. Mom always favored him best...
(beat)
Wait. Which brother are we talking about?

(Prof shrugs and looks to Tuss.)

TUSS: Jerichoholic.

AA: Oh yeah, I guess that would apply to him too.

PROF: Can you give me something more specific?

AA: Yeah. He loves meatballs. And one time he stole my Slinky and said it was his.

PROF: Scheming rat-bastard

AA: Tell me about it. And then there was the time he told Mrs. Preston about when we were playig frog baseball and I accidentally hit a big old bullcroaker right through her living room window.

PROF: Yes yes, but does he have any weaknesses?

AA: Yeah, a near obsessive love for Philadelphia sports teams.

PROF: Poor sap. I think I probably should be able to expoit that though.
(To Tuss)
To we still have T.O on speed dial.

TUSS: Not since the retraining order. Although, I do think we could get Von Hayes or Shawn Bradley.

PROF: Great. Make it so.

(Tuss nods and exits. Prof turns to AA.)

PROF: And you. How about a back rub for your Tremendous TeamLeader.

AA: Do I have to?

PROF: It's either that or stick you hands in a thresher so I can get a new electric massage chair.

AA (beat): One hand or two.

PROF: Has to be both for the poilcy to kick in.

AA: Darn.

(He starts to roll up his sleeves as the camera...)

FADES TO BLACK