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I R Versus BEETWIX POTTER!

fugginVOSS

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(CUT-TO: a man standing before the Isamu League backdrop, with his back to the camera, trying to read what it says. He wears a golden and fishy looking luchadore style full face mask which looks completely inappropriate for wrestling but he's wearing it nonetheless. Brilliant deduction skills tell you this... is... goldFISH! He turns to the camera.)

goldFISH:
"FUCК!"

CAMERAMAN: (off-screen)
"What? What's wrong?"

goldFISH:
"FUCКING
FUCК!"

(goldFISH stamps his feet and puts his hands behind his head, leaning backward as if the heavens might have an answer for him.)

CAMERAMAN:
"Dude! What gives? What's up?"

goldFISH:
"I forgot. Okay? I forgot. I'm such a bloody idiot!"

CAMERAMAN:
"Forgot what, dude?"

goldFISH:
"How to read! I was like walking along and then there was this banner and I've been trying to read it but I've forgotten English. I'm English, right?"

CAMERAMAN:
"You sound kinda American."

goldFISH:
"American, eh? Okay. I can't read American. Is American kinda like English?"

CAMERAMAN:
"Dude.. are you like... messing with me?"

goldFISH:
"I've got this... (he runs a hand over where his hair would be if he weren't wearing a mask) ...this thing, right? My memory lasts for like four minutes or something. And then I forget stuff. I remember random stuff. Things nobody needs to know or ever finds useful. And obviously I remember I've got this thing."

CAMERAMAN:
"Is that why they call you goldFISH?"

(With a double-take, it is easy to believe he is boggle eyed beneath that mask staring at the cameraman.)

goldFISH:
"They DO?"

CAMERAMAN:
"Uh... yeah. They do."

goldFISH:
"Cool. That's clever. I get it. It's because goldfish are big like me right?"

CAMERAMAN:
"Dude... goldfish are really small."

goldFISH:
"I'm thinking of bears, aren't I?"

CAMERAMAN:
"Seems so, dude."

goldFISH:
"I thought so. I remember shît about bears, too. Dunno why."

CAMERAMAN:
"Bears are cool."

(goldFISH beams beneath his mask.)

goldFISH:
"They are kinda neat, right? Bears are neat. And big."

CAMERAMAN: (awkward)
"Sure... they're, uh... they're big. Bears are big."

goldFISH:
"Bears ARE big."

CAMERAMAN:
"BIG! Heh heh. BIG bears."

(The cameraman roars like a bear and both men laugh, probably a little too hard. The laughs both slowly subside into an awkward silence. goldFISH folds his arms across his chest.)

goldFISH:
"Biiiiiiig bears. (he sighs) Soooo.... what're you doing here pointing that loaf of bread at me?"

CAMERAMAN:
"Camera dude."

goldFISH:
"Ohhh... heh heh, rightio. My bad."

CAMERAMAN:
"You're here to film an IL promo."

goldFISH:
"An advertisement for Illinois? Why would I be advertising Illinois? I don't even LIKE Boston."

CAMERAMAN:
"Isamu League, dude. It's a wrestling promotion."

goldFISH:
"What a coincidence! I'm a wrestler."

CAMERAMAN:
"We know, dude. That's why we're here. To film a promo for your upcoming match."

goldFISH:
"I have a match? No way! I love matches!"

CAMERAMAN:
"That's good. Do you... like... remember who against?"

goldFISH:
"Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... eeeeeeerrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmm-"

CAMERAMAN:
"You don't. Do you?"

goldFISH:
"Sorry. I'm comin' up with nothin' here."

CAMERAMAN:
"You're facing Randall Beetwix."

goldFISH:
"Beetwix? As in Beetwix Potter?"

CAMERAMAN:
"No. Not Beetwix Potter. I think you're actually thinking of BEATRIX Potter, goldy."

goldFISH:
"Riiiiight. BEATRIX Potter."

(Now goldFISH turns to address the camera.)

goldFISH:
"Listen here... BEATRIX Potter... you may think your little stories about rabbits are impressive. That writing about cutesy little woodland creatures is going to impress me. Do you think it does? Well... I've got news for you."

(He folds his arms across his chest.)

goldFISH:
"Well... you're right. They are impressive books. And the illustrations are exquisite. So soft. So palatable. Just beautiful pieces of art and the children love it." (he places a hand on his chest) "I love it. But unfortunately... it's not going to help you in the wrestling ring. I'm a trained professional. At least I think I am. You're on your own, Beatrix. It's just you and me. You can't tag in Peter Rabbit. Squirrel Nutkin ain't climbin' into the ring and clobberin' me over the back of the head (he points to the back of his head) with a GOD DÄMN CHAIR! Am I right? Squirrel's can't hold chairs. He might be able to climb up the leg of my pants and bite me on the sack! Oh fucĸ! RABIES?!?"

CAMERAMAN:
"Huh?"

goldFISH:
"All these little woodland creatures in Beatrix's corner... they've all got one thing in common... RABIES! They're venomous little thugs with the teeth and the biting and the foaming and the screaming and my nuts! HOLY CRΆP! They're gonna bite my nuts until they foam at the mouth. I need to speak with Commissioner Gordon about banning them from ringside. I can't believe I'm wrestling THE Beatrix Potter. After I defeat you in the middle of the ring, Beatrix, I'd really like it if you could sign my Peter Rabbit books. That would be really... really... REALLY... swell."

(goldFISH puts one hand on his hip and runs his hand over the top of his mask.)

goldFISH:
"I REALLY can't believe I'm wrestling Beatrix Potter. I mean... I totally thought she died in 1943 on December 22 and her ashes scattered in the countryside near Sawrey but man.... IL must REALLY have some good talent scouts to raise the dead for a wrestling match. I CAN'T believe I'm wrestling Beatrix Potter."

CAMERAMAN:
"Dude.... you're not wrestling Beatrix Potter."

goldFISH:
"Who's not wrestling Beatrix Potter?"

CAMERAMAN:
"You're not."

goldFISH:
"Why would I be wrestling Beatrix Potter? Man... you're a little loopy."

(goldFISH shakes his head and turns around to the backdrop.)

goldFISH:
"Oh wow! イサムリーグLesson1: マルクスv。 リディック. Cool. A wrestling show!"

(FadeTo.... didn't we fade to black already?)
 
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