The scene is backstage at, oh, whatever arena we're at, I don't know. Look, I just get paid to narrate, all right? Here's James and Erin, walking through the corridors planning for the match, blah, blah, blah...
JIrish: My, my, aren't we unflappable, Mr. Ryan? Well, today is your lucky day. I'm not going to try to push you to your absolute limits at all. I'm saving that for later. Much later, in fact. But that would seem to be what's gotten into your craw, isn't it, Dan?
Erin: Glad I took my headache medicine this mornin'. I have a feeling this one may be painful.
JIrish: So, I have to choose serious or clown, huh? Well, Dan, let's be honest. I'm a man, not a machine. Some people might be able to be all funny, all the dang time, but when you travel around the world (especially frequently across oceans with A1E over in Europe right now), put your health and well-being on the line at least three nights a week, and are lucky to be sleeping in your own bed more than one night in a row... sometimes you just find yourself unable to "bring the funny." That's what the kids are saying now, right?
Besides, does it not add depth to the clown if there is a tear running down his cheeks? I mean, there's some sad things known to man, as the song goes. And furthermore, take a good look the comedic genius Danny Kaye. His most famous movies, like "The Court Jester," "The Secret Life of Waldo Mitty," and even "Hans Christian Anderson." Sure, he brings a certain unique brand madcap lunacy to those movies, but he also works on another level entirely, in that he makes a believable romantic lead opposite to female characters. And not a single thing he does isn't phoned in, every performance is from the heart. Want something more recent? Tom Hanks. We know him now as a serious Oscar winning actor, but how did he get his start? Dressing in drag, in the sitcom "Bosom Buddies." Quite a silly start for the guy who would be Gump, huh?
Erin just looks at James with that "I know you're trying to be serious, but it's still kind of sad" look.
Erin: Danny Kaye, lad? Seriously, ye can't even buy his movies in stores anymore.
JIrish: And it's a damn shame, too. Through him I learned the silliness of syncopation, the finer facts of fictionalization, and the allure of alliteration. Though I'm still memorizing that whole "chalice from the palace" bit...
Point is, Dan, there's far more to me than the absurd. There's a working brain up here behind the madness that's dead set on taking the Ego Buster down a few notches himself.
And, frankly, some things I don't even plan. Those supermarket mishaps, for example. Believe me, some days bad luck just finds you.
... okay, okay, so I paid those kids off with a Snickers bar each, but still!
My point, and I do have one, is that while you're overanalyzing the overt obtuseness of my oral op-eds, you've already fallen into the trap, Dan. Now you're ripe to be picked like so many oranges.
Erin: Come on, lad. Besides channeling a certain would-be dictator, don't ye think yer gettin' too far ahead of yourself?
JIrish: Maybe I am. But then, Dan needs to have some fun now, too, right? I mean, what fun is a match if we're not somehow at odds?
Which actually leads me to a big question, Dan. We've touched a lot about all these federations you're a part of, and something occurred to me.
When does it stop being about pride and love, Dan, and start being about a paycheck?
Is there really that much you haven't done yet that you think you have to put yourself through all this mania? What is there that you feel you need to prove to the rest of this business? That you're the best? That no one has your endurance? That you can rack up the most frequent flyer miles??? Or maybe you just took the song "Traveling Man" by Dion too literally!
At what cost are you paying to become the wrestling world's "Man Who Has Everything"? What kind of toll is this going to take on your body, or for that matter your psyche? And who do you share it with, Dan?
Erin: I swear, if you start singin' "The Rainbow Connection," lad, I'm gonna kick yer arse...
JIrish: I'm saving the Muppet gags for that Windham fellow, thank you very much.
Besides, we have just discovered the irony of someone who calls himself the "Ego Buster" feeling the need to try to be everywhere and do everything. Yes, it's merely a moniker, and you don't try to make it a gimmick out of it unlike some people (though even I must admit the genius of the Muffin Man), but regardless this little sign of pride suddenly became as obvious as the nose on my face. Especially after it got broken last year. But the human body has it's limits, Dan. You've been around long enough to know that better than most of us. And the mind has them, too. Do you think you can risk the mental exhaustion of the kind of workload you put upon yourself?
Well, so far you've managed to do that pretty well. But let's see if you pass the Energizer test this week.
"Still going... nothing outlasts the Ego Buster. He keeps going... and going..."
Erin actually chuckles at that one, and smiles at James.
JIrish: You see that? Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while. Seeya in the ring, Dan.
Fade out.
