iii. Pro to tha re to tha logue to tha caps
(CUEUP: “The National Anthem” by Radiohead)
(FADEIN: Standing in front of the black and white NLW backdrop are BRIAN OBERSTARR and JIMMY MYLDE. Oberstarr’s wearing a suit, but…wait a second, why is Jimmy in a polo and aviator sunglasses?)
OBERSTARR: (eyeing Mylde) …
MYLDE: You going Sapphic on us, Oberstarr?
OBERSTARR: Hey, far be it from me to tell you how to dress, Jimmy, but aren’t you looking a bit…nautical? We’re not exactly on your sailboat- this is the NLW GOLDEN BOY Grand Prix! It’s a big event…
MYLDE: I already know where you’re going with this, and as usual I’m five steps ahead of you. You see, I dressed to THE NINES for that other tournament we had, thinking we were taking things up a notch. Ya know, “the next level.” Next thing I know, there’s fans running into the ring, P90X, Russian circus bears, people winning and then unwinning, and some idiot named Ben Halkum we grabbed from the local resource room. You tell me, Oberstarr, is that an event worth a look at my designer suit?
OBERSTARR: Well actually, it-
MYLDE: OK, you want Papa Jimmy to level with you? Here it is: I’M BROKE, Oberstarr. Dead broke. That month and a half we took off sent me into a financial tailspin, combined with a hit I took on some bad real estate investments. There used to be a time I could afford new suits, now I can’t even shop at Bloomingdale’s.
OBERSTARR: Look, there isn’t anything wro-
MYLDE: You see this shirt I’m wearing? See it? IZOD. It’s that bad, Brian. They canceled my Burberry credit card, and now I’m reduced to grabbing IZOD off the sale rack. So go on with the show, but don’t mind me; I’ll just stand here looking the only way I can afford to look. But I still got my glasses-
OBERSTARR: Alright! This is FRIDAY NIGHT VULGAR, the GOLDEN BOY Grand Prix tournament! I’m Brian Oberstarr, with me as always a struggling but present Jimmy Mylde. Tonight’s the night, Jimmy. We will crown our Golden Boy, who will go on to face MAGNUS DESTRUCTO for the NLW World Open Weight Championship at Eye for an Eye.
MYLDE: Oh this is BIG, Obie, and I mean BIG! The winner tonight gets a shot to earn something that none of these other schmucks has, and that’s a title belt.
OBERSTARR: And that person will be the undisputed number one wrestler in the company, won’t he?
MYLDE: Absolutely. He’ll be the champion, and thus can parlay that belt into a contract deal with either EPW or NFW. And THAT my friends, is when the big bucks start rolling in. (rubs fingers together)
OBERSTARR: As of this moment, we’re down to a final four, and due to time constraints can NOT show you every match in their entirety. However, we will give you a summary of what went down, plus the semis and finals from bell to bell. Before we get to that, let’s look at the field. 265 pounds is the weight limit for this bracket, and boy if there’s one guy who sticks out like a five legged dog it’s CHIEF BIG BET, tipping the scales at a highly questionable 264 and one half pounds. The next biggest competitor is Bobby Jack Windham, who weighs in at 255, and he’s SIX FOOT SIX! I ask you, Jimmy, does this give Big Bet a significant advantage over the field?
MYLDE: No, he lost.
OBERSTARR: (sighs and rubs his temples) …
MYLDE: What, you want me to take a hot tub time machine back to before I knew the results? Oh OK, yeah yeah yeah, big time advantage, we’re just gonna have to see what happens! (rolls eyes)
OBERSTARR: (shakes head) Let’s go to the tape.
(CUTTO: BIG BET ragdolls IMPULSE into the turnbuckles; as Impulse bounces out of the corner, he gets hit with a BIG elbow!)
OBERSTARR: And after being on the offensive most of the match, Impulse now finds himself on the short end, with victory possibly slipping away!
MYLDE: To a rookie, no less. What is this, Big Bet’s first match? Impulse came down from the heavens to grace us with his presence, and a greenhorn is about to end the magic. What a world. And it’s not like this is one of those hotshot big league rookies. No, this is OUR rookie.
OBERSTARR: I’d put our rookies against “their” rookies any day of the damn week, Jimmy. Impulse slow to his feet, but the Chief just JERKS him down by the head. Drops a knee to the face and a quick pin…ONE, TWOOO…TWO COUNT! Big Bet wants to keep the pressure on Impulse, maybe take him by surprise. You’re not gonna outwork the Marathon Man, but maybe, MAYBE you can catch him off-guard.
MYLDE: Yeah, hide behind the shower curtain or the closet door or something. That’ll get him.
OBERSTARR: Big Bet climbing over Impulse- NAILS him with a right, and another, aaaaand another! At this rate, Impulse’ll be donning the crimson mask! Big Bet, Chieftan of the Mohegan Tribe, has Impulse up now…IRISH WHIP! HERE IT COMES, THE TRAIL OF TEARS! NOOO! BIG CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL MISSES!
MYLDE: TURN AROUND, CHIEF!
OBERSTARR: SUDDEN IMPACT! BIG BET IS OUT COLD! IMPULSE HOOKS THE LEG…ONE, TWO, THREE! IMPULSE MOVES ON!
(CUTTO: OBERSTARR and MYLDE in front of the NLW backdrop)
OBERSTARR: And that was all she wrote for the Chief. Maybe RA had a showdown in mind with the undefeated Impulse as retribution for cheating the scale?
MYLDE: Serves him right for living on tax-free reservation land! His next gig will be doing rain dances for six packs of Milwaukee’s Best.
OBERSTARR: The MYSTIC WANDERER, also known as WANDERLUST came into the tournament a heavy favorite, despite losses to Eddie Patton and Eli Scheinberg. In fact, since his most recent loss on the second edition of VULGAR, Wanderlust had racked up a nice streak of wins that had many predicting he might even WIN this thing! He would draw newcomer and Scotland native JEEBUS MCFARK, in what many expected to be a one-sided affair. What happened was something far different…
MYLDE: Is this where I insert the Braveheart reference? OK, here goes: William Wallace came down from the highlands, all twelve feet of him, lightning bolts being shot out of his ass and all…yelling battle cries of freedom at Lusty. Some even speculate he imagined Wanderlust as King William Longshanks of England. According to Longshanks, the best way to beat the Scots is not to burn them out, but to BREED THEM OUT. And hell, if there’s one man whose up to the task of breeding anyone out, let alone little old Scotland, it’s Wanderlust. I’ve seen his resume, Oberstarr, and it actually includes the breeding out of the Island of St. Croix.
OBERSTARR: What does that even mean? Nevermind; I don’t want to know! Folks, this match was so brutal, so taxing on the body, that-
MYLDE: That we’re going to COMPLETELY rip you off by airing only the final 30 seconds!
OBERSTARR: Well, not even. I’ll have to describe it to them, as we’re strapped for time and have MUCH MORE to show you!
MYLDE: Yeah nice save.
OBERSTARR: Jeebus has a shoot background, sporting a mixed martial arts record that includes more wins than it does losses. Wanderlust came in looking tanned and relaxed, like he just came from the weight room at the beach.
MYLDE: He did, he told me.
OBERSTARR: Well it was NOT another day at the office for-
MYLDE: Jones Beach I think it was. I asked him.
OBERSTARR: Could you let me FINISH Jimmy? Wanderlust had the fight taken to him early, getting cut in the opening minutes from repeated downward elbows to the head. McFark was obviously playing prison rules from the get-go, catching Wanderlust off-guard.
MYLDE: Silly Jeebus, he forgot one thing: Wanderlust has been to MULTIPLE foreign prisons, usually overnight for something small like public intoxication, forging a passport, impersonating the homeless, or sleeping with a minister of parliament’s wife. But still, HE WAS THERE, Oberstarr!
OBERSTARR: That’s right. And once Wanderlust realized he was in a fight, he was able to turn the tables. Was it enough for victory? Complications ensued. A woman from the crowd demanded to inhale Wanderlust’s musk, straight from the beads of sweating formulating within and around his chest hair. The wise move would’ve been to meet up with her AFTER the match, but this did not happen. The Mystic Wanderer obliged the fan, who looked to be in her mid to late thirties, which gave Jeebus enough time to recover and hit a missile dropkick from the top rope. Wanderlust split his head against the guardrail upon impact, and it was feared he might not continue, the blood loss was that bad. Not wanting to wait around for the result, Jeebus rolled him into the ring and once again donned the top rope, this time hitting a flying side elbow for the ONE, TWO, THREE!
MYLDE: Vegas was going crazy!
OBERSTARR: Indeed it was, as this was the single biggest upset we’ve seen yet in NLW. But hey, it wouldn’t be a tournament without those, now would it?
MYLDE: Alright keep ‘em coming Oberstarr, these people want ACTION!
OBERSTARR: Oh they got action in this next match, albeit in a short, violent spurt. THE HEBREW HITMAN, THE MANCHESTER MAULER…ELI SCHEINBERG came into tonight’s tournament as one of TWO NLW wrestlers currently undefeated in both televised and non-televised match, the other being Impulse. His opponent was noted LVW lawyer BEN LERNER.
MYLDE: It was like JEW on JEW violence, Oberstarr!
OBERSTARR: That’s one way of putting it. Another would be to say it was Eli on Ben Lerner violence, as that’s a pretty good summary of what went on. Looking to make his stamp on the tournament, Eli bumrushed ‘THE HARD HITTER’ with a barrage of offense ranging from dirty boxing, to collegiate style slams.
MYLDE: Holy Moses, what happened to Lerner’s concentration? Did somebody break it by throwing a penny into the ring?
OBERSTARR: After dumping Lerner on his head with two consecutive German suplexes, he locked on ENGLISH ANGUISH, that dreaded modified Dragon Sleeper, for the submission victory in an NLW record setting 98 seconds!
MYLDE: Tell ‘em what happened next. Go on, tell ‘em.
OBERSTARR: That was when an overzealous fan threw a copy of children’s book “Hershel and the Hanukkah Goblins” into the ring. Scheinberg, never being one to shy away from controversy, picked up the book and proceeded to beat his downed opponent with it. This actually prompted RA to get on the PA and warn the crowd about participating in a way that could be construed as anti-Semitic. He was quickly booed, and left the ring. Nevertheless, Eli Scheinberg moves on to the second round with the most dominating victory of the first.
MYLDE: He may be a scrawny Brit punk, but you can’t deny him; the kid’s on a roll.
OBERSTARR: Absolutely. The first round was almost at a close, with only one match remaining. What transpired next was perhaps the most unforgettable moment in NLW’s short, short history. A moment so marked in controversy and warrior’s pride, we’re going to show you the final moment in its entirety. DO NOT get up, DO NOT change the channel. This isn’t the time to grab a snack, or visit the bathroom. STAY…RIGHT…THERE.