FRIDAY NIGHT VULGAR 02

[LQJT86C]

Contents

i. Contents
ii. Intro (BREAK YO-SELF!)
iii. Prologue (MOTHRA)
iv. Holocaust versus THA DUKE
v. Put...that food...DOWN!
vi. Jap versus Carpathian
vii. "GET YOUR DICK OUT OF MY SINK!"
viii. Scheinberg v. Lust
ix. Great, now they're playing C-Lo in the ring
x. Patton v. Windham (w/JESUS)
xi. Off the reservation
xii. ZESTY...IMPULSE...PANDEMONIUM!

 

[LQJT86C]

ii. Intro (BREAK YO-SELF!)

(FADEIN: The black lettering of the ‘NLW’ logo with red underline moves closer over a white background to the front of your screen; the closer it comes, the louder we hear the sound of screeching over subway tracks.. As it comes forward, it begins revolving 180 degrees. When it turns, the back of the logo features MAGNUS DESTRUCTO throwing up a spike-shouldered arm inside the logo lettering. It turns two more times, this time featuring a cross-armed ‘DANGEROUS’ DUKE MACKEY looking down at the camera. Turns two more times, and we see a pan shot of a packed crowd at the Manhattan Center as the logo flies through the screen, transitioning to a full screen shot of the crowd)

(CUEUP: “Redneck” by Lamb of God)

(CUTTO: BOBBY JACK WINDHAM bouncing off the ropes and slowing down as he circles his arms forward in preparation for a match)

(CUTTO: MAGNUS DESTRUCTO swinging around a mace at center ring with two hands, before dropping it and beating his chest with one hand)

(CUTTO: HARRY HOLOCAUST on one knee, swirling his head from end to end, mouth open, blood seeping from his tongue as he lashes it out)

(CUTTO: STRAWBERRY B*TCH, red hair flowing over her shoulders as she leans her DOUBLE D cleavage over the guard rail and winks)

(CUTTO: ‘ELECTRIC’ EDDIE PATTON coming off the ropes, abruptly stopping, and hitting an unsuspecting opponent with the CIRCUIT BREAKER)

V/O: “THIS IS A MUTHA-F*CKIN INNNN-VI-TAY-SHYYYOOOON!

(CUTTO: Camera moves from the boots, to the knees, to the obvious pitched tent, chest, and eventually a front view of WANDERLUST gripping one of his taped wrists and throwing a knowing look to the crowd)

V/O: “THE ONLY OOOOONNNNE YOU COULD EEEEEVER NEED!”

(CUTTO: VIC GRAVENDER hitting the BOMB DROP on some poor bastard)

V/O: “THIS IS A MUTHA-F*CKIN INNNN-VI-TAY-SHYYYOOOON! YOU TRY ME…”

(CUTTO: A tired, bleeding from the forehead YUTAKA MAEDA comes off the ropes slowly and clotheslines his opponent to the outside through a table)

(CUTTO: ‘NORMAL’ JOHN JOHNSON atop an opponent’s shoulders, flailing his arms until he rolls forward with a victory roll for the three count!)

(CUTTO: ‘THE BLUE BASTARD’ ZESTY MORDANT getting up from the outside concrete, wiping his sweaty forehead, and picking up his ringside rum and coke for a quick sip)

(CUTTO: ‘THE MAIN EVENT’ MATT FORD taking his opponent up for a FORDPLEX II: CHAMPIONSHIP EDITION and landing it on a steel chair, prompting a packed crowd to JUMP outta their seats and go ape****!

V/O: “BUT I AIN’T ONE TO CALL NAMES!”

(CUTTO: RORY HENDERSON losing his g*ddamn SH*T and choking someone out in THE RELAPSE)

V/O: “OR THROW STONES IN A HOUSE OF GLASS! YOU TRY ME!”

(CUTTO: ELI SCHEINBERG ducking a right and a left from an opponent, turning around and clocking them with an elbow before bowing to the crowd)

(CUTTO: A wild fan running into the ring at BOBBY JACK WINDHAM before getting PASTED with a SWEETWATER DREAMS clothesline from ****ing hell! WINDHAM gets up and wipes his hands up and down like he just took out the trash)

V/O: “THIS IS A MUTHA-F*CKIN INNNN-VI-TAY-SHYYYYON!”

(CUTTO: STRAWBERRY B*TCH promptly removing JIMMY MYLDE’s arm from her shoulder, curling her lip and walking off camera)

V/O: “THE ONLY OOOONNNE YOU COULD EEEEVER NEED!”

(CUTTO: ELI SCHEINBERG hitting a leg drop off the top turnbuckle)

V/O: “THIS IS A MUTHA-F*CKIN INNNN-VI-TAY-SHYYYON!”

(FLASH CUTTO: MAGNUS DESTRUCTO hitting the DESTRUCTO BOMB inverted powerbomb on one poor son of a b*tch; MAGNUS putting another in his submission hold, DESTRUCTO MAGNISSION)

V/O: “JUST. ONE. TYYYYYYYYYME!”

(CUTTO: YUTAKA MAEDA climbing the turnbuckle and surveying both ends of the HAMMERSTEIN BALLROOM)

(CUTTO: In front of SCORES strip club in Manhattan, DUKE MACKEY, wearing a “STAFF” t-shirt, throws JIMMY MYLDE out of the club and onto his ass in the street)

(CUTTO: BOBBY JACK WINDHAM staring down BRIAN OBERSTARR as the announcer slowly hands him the microphone)

(CUTTO: WANDERLUST grins as a thirty-something female strokes his chest. She smiles at the camera and flashes her wedding ring; TRASHY ROMANCE looks on studiously)

(CUTTO: TERENCE holding up a fan-sign that reads “F*CK THIS SAUSAGE PARTY!”)

V/O: “JUST”

(CUTTO: VIC GRAVENDER hits a diving headbutt!)

V/O: “ONE”

(CUTTO: ‘ELECTRIC’ EDDIE PATTON hits a frog splash on a chair over his opponent, immediately grabbing his chest)

V/O: “TYYYYYYYYME!”

(CUTTO: ZESTY MORDANT throwing up a bottle of Old St. Croix, pouring it over his face amongst a throng of rabid fans…as the ‘NLW’ logo fades back onto the screen)

RA PALAZZO V/O: “We ARE the Next Level!”

 

[LQJT86C]

iii. Prologue (MOTHRA)

(CUEUP: “Quiet” by Smashing Pumpkins)

(FADEIN: In front of a black and white ‘NLW’ backdrop stands BRIAN OBERSTARR with a mic in hand. Next to him: JIMMY MYLDE)

OBERSTARR: It was here last week on FRIDAY NIGHT VULGAR that we saw BOBBY JACK WINDHAM appear and declare himself NLW’s role model. Tonight, he makes his debut. I’m Brian Oberstarr along with Jimmy Mylde; welcome to the show! And Jimmy, when you talk about your high expectations, that’s exactly what Bobby Jack Windham brings with him tonight when he takes on the very impressive ‘ELECTRIC’ EDDIE PATTON.

MYLDE: Brian, I’ve served with the Windhams. I’ve known the Windhams. The Windhams are very good friends of mine. And Eddie Patton…is no Windham.

OBERSTARR: What do you mean, you’ve SERVED with the Windhams?! Talk about the match, Jimmy; what are we looking at?

MYLDE: We’re looking at the fact that I already flew over to Vegas, slapped 30 G’s on the table WITH AUTHORITY, and told the bookmaker Windham’s winning that World Open Weight Title in March.

OBERSTARR: And you’re prepared to go into that kind of debt?

MYLDE: Bankruptcy’s a hell of a thing, kid, and it wouldn’t be the first time Uncle Jimmy had to file Chapter 6 to escape his bills. But don’t you worry, he’s a LOCK. Yeah, ok, Eddie Patton came out here, got a win, got a pop, blah blah blah. Really, who cares? He’s STILL a nobody, STILL a nothing, and comparing him to a WINDHAM is like comparing that crap they put in Taco Bell gorditas to 100% grass fed all American grade-A beef! Expectations? Bobby Jack’s had ‘em out the ass since he was squeezed out the womb, and tonight…he makes good!

OBERSTARR: Of course, Patton already made his debut and was victorious over Wanderlust; something Windham has yet to do in his young career. Speaking of WANDERLUST, he’ll be back in action tonight against the upstart ELI SCHEINBERG!

MYLDE: And before I left Vegas, I told ‘em to put a thousand on Wanderlust for good measure! What happened last week, Ober-Wan…it’s what we in ‘the know’ call LUCK, and my man Wanderlust isn’t taking it easy on the dog this week.

OBERSTARR: Just curious, who’s advising you on these bets?

MYLDE: Besides common sense? Greenie.

OBERSTARR: You don’t say? (shakes head) In what could be a preview of things to come in the tournament next week, two MONSTERS…GIANTS in their own right, will do battle when Tokyo native YUTAKA MAEDA takes on the very impressive, very intimidating…MAGNUS DESTRUCTO!

MYLDE: Listen, I won’t be so cliché as to compare Maeda to Godzilla, but I’ll put it like this: he might need those three miniature Hawaiian chicks singing prayers in his corner to have a chance against the Carpathian monster.

OBERSTARR: Jimmy…that’s uh…well, that’s Mothra you’re talking about.

MYLDE: Those three Vietnamese prostitute choir girls weren’t Godzilla’s, eh? Well, to hell with them. Maeda, Magnus…standing at a combined weight of HOLY SH*T! Should be interesting.

OBERSTARR: Also in action, we have the bloodthirsty prison camp zombie HARRY HOLOCAUST taking on the debuting Scores gentleman’s club bouncer and resident porn addict, ‘DANGEROUS’ DUKE MACKEY!

MYLDE: There only two things in danger when Duke Mackey’s around: the ceiling and the keyboard. That said, Harry’s giving up a lot of weight to Mackey, and if Duke can stay focused for more than five minutes without jerking off all over himself, he could wind up with the W.

OBERSTARR: So you’re saying Strawberry shouldn’t be at ringside for that one?

MYLDE: Not unless she’s wearing goggles.

OBERSTARR: And in our MAIN EVENT, we’ll see ‘THE MARATHON MAN’- IMPULSE!- make his return to NLW as he’s pitted against a man who made his presence felt last week, ‘THE BLUE BASTARD’ ZESTY MORDANT!

MYLDE: Apparently, smacking fans and brutalizing the head referee gets you a main event slot around here, though I expect no less out of this company. Drunk or sober…well, probably drunk…I see Zesty beating Impulse so badly that he, get this- CRAP HIS PANTS, and all the little Impulse marks are forced to cry in their beers that they snuck on the ‘B’ train on the way home.

OBERSTARR: You really think it’ll be that one-sided, huh?

MYLDE: Hey, I’m just tellin’ it like it is, Oberstarr.

OBERSTARR: Sit tight, it’s VULGAR!

(CUTTO: STATIC)

 

[LQJT86C]

iv. Holocaust versus THA DUKE

(CUTTO: Fans hang over the entranceway guardrails, waving middle fingers, t-shirts, and signs in the camera’s line of sight. One sign reads: “DO ROSS AND RACHEL GET BACK TOGETHER TOO ON THE CSWA FINALE YOU FAGGITS!” Well, we never said our fans were educated. Plus, wow, that’s a lot of words to fit on a sign; surprised you could read it! Making his way through the sea of fansigns, even ripping a few up, is HARRY HOLOCAUST. He’s trying to run, but gets yanked back by the choker he’s on, being held by none other than THOMAS O’LEARY. Apparently, the Civil War ended slavery for all but zombie’d Holocaust survivors. “In the House, Without a Heartbeat” by John Murphy plays over the PA as we catch SIREN mid-announcement…)

SIREN: HE IS! HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAARRRRRYYYYY! HOLO…CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTT!

OBERSTARR: Well, the art of subtlety may not be something this man practices, but I’ll tell you this Jimmy: the locker room isn’t exactly lining up to face this man, Harry Holocaust.

MYLDE: Have you seen his fingernails? I don’t blame them! And with this chimichanga health plan RA’s got us on, who knows if tetanus shots and penicillin are even covered anymore!

OBERSTARR: We’re still actually trying to clarify whether biting is legal here in NLW, but for the time being…well, I’d just be careful around this guy.

MYLDE: I hope his merch sales justify this crap, I really do.

(CUEUP: “Cells” by The Servant)

(CUTTO: Buzzing at the entranceway; anticipation for whoever or whatever steps through those curtains. After a few more seconds, ‘DANGEROUS’ DUKE MACKEY walks out confidently, pausing momentarily to survey the crowd. He’s a big, grizzled looking guy, with scars on his body and tattoos which include a stripper sliding down a pole on his right bicep)

SIREN: AND HIS OPPONENT! HE HAILS FROM hmm-LAS VEGAS NEEEEEEVAAAADDDDDAAAA! (Cheers!) BEHOLD! HE STANDS SIX FOOT SIX, WEIGHING IN AT TWOOOOO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY POUNDS! HE MAKES HIS DEBUT- TONIGHT! PLLEEEEEAAAASE WELCOMMMMME! DAAAAAANGEROUS! DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKE! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCKKKKKEEEEEEEYYYYYY!

(Crowd still cheering as MACKEY steps over the ropes and shoots a hard glance at the rabid HARRY HOLOCAUST)

OBERSTARR: Duke Mackey, making his television debut tonight on Friday Night Vulgar. And apparently, according to his recent promo, he’s in to the Gambino crime family for some gambling debts.

MYLDE: Gambino crime family? They haven’t been relevant for 20 years. Who THINKS of this crap?

OBERSTARR: Put in on mute, Jimmy, we’re in New York. Holocaust’s off the leash now, and look at this! He goes right for Mackey’s leg, chewing on it like a rabid dog! Mackey’s driving forearms to his back, but he’s unrelenting!

MYLDE: Man, that’s disgusting.

OBERSTARR: Finally they separate! And wow, look at the gash on Mackey’s leg; he might wanna get that checked out. Harry goes for the leg again, but Mackey parries. Look out! MACKEY WITH A BIG FRONT BOOT TO THE HEAD OF HOLOCAUST!

MYLDE: Harry might have a set of chompers on him, but at the end of the day…he’s still only the size of a cheerleader. It’s a shame they didn’t hand out anabolic steroids at the Holocaust.

OBERSTARR: Mackey has Holocaust in the corner now…BIG KNEES to the stomach! He’s trying to wear down the Zombie early on, holding his boot to Holocaust’s jaw. He finishes up with a big back elbow, and Harry Holocaust falls to his knees.

MYLDE: He might wanna check his mailbox for that W-2 form. You know that Nazi persecution reimbursement funds are tax deductible?

OBERSTARR: And you know this how?

MYLDE: Hey, just call me H&R Mylde. When it comes to padding the tax return, I’m the master. Come to think of it, it’s been a while since I’ve seen my Nazi persecution reimbursement check. Your tax dollars hard at work, Oberstarr!

OBERSTARR: Jimmy continues to scam the government, while Duke Mackey continues to lay into Harry Holocaust with fists to the head! Thomas O’Leary’s on the apron now, garnering the referee’s attention. Mackey’s also distracted…meanwhile, Holocaust rolls to his corner, and he’s got the leash he came out on! OH MY! HE JUST WRAPPED THAT THING AROUND DUKE’S NECK! HE’S CHOKING THE LIFE OUT OF HIM! THIS MAY BE HIS ONLY PATH TO VICTORY AGAINST THE BIG MAN!

MYLDE: Calm down, Oberstarr. Did it ever occur to you that Mackey’s into this sorta thing?

OBERSTARR: Duke Mackey’s sex addiction aside, he won’t have air to breathe much longer if he can’t shake Holocaust!

(His face turning purple, MACKEY violently throws himself backwards and crushes HOLOCAUST beneath him!)

(SFX: BOOM!/OOOH!)

OBERSTARR: MY GOD! Holocaust might be drinking out of a straw after that one! Mackey through his weight back and quite possibly broke every bone in Harry’s body!

MYLDE: That’s two-hundred and eighty pounds being driven into maybe half that weight.

OBERSTARR: Duke’s still catching his breathe, but rolls over for the pin…here we go! TWOO! THR-NO! Somehow, Holocaust found the strength to get the shoulder up, and if there’s one thing you can say about Harry Holocaust…he’s durable as hell.

MYLDE: It’s gonna take a gas chamber to put this guy away! That or a piledriver…either or.

OBERSTARR: Mackey’s got Holocaust up…but there’s O’Leary on the apron again! Duke’s had enough! AND HE SMACKS O’LEARY IN THE FACE WITH HOLOCAUST’S LEGS! BYE BYE O’LEARY!

(CROWD CHEERS!)

OBERSTARR: Mackey circles around…running powerslam! Does he cover? No! He’s calling for something! He has Holocaust caught between his legs now- HE’S UP! POWERBOMB?! NO! HOLOCAUST FIRING AWAY AT HIS HEAD IN A LAST DITCH EFFORT TO SAVE THE MATCH!

MYLDE: He’s on thin ice, Oberstarr!

OBERSTARR: Holocaust flashes those teeth, he goes in to bite Mackey- AND GETS DROPPED! JACKNIFE POWERBOMB! Mackey calls it the Triple X Bomb!

MYLDE: Really?

OBERSTARR: ONE…TWO…THREE IT’S OVER! And in his television debut, ‘DANGEROUS’ DUKE MACKEY is victorious!

(SFX: Bell rings)

(CUEUP: “Cells” by The Servant)

SIREN: HERE IS YOUR WINNNNNNNNERRRRRRR! DANGEROUUUUUUSSSSS! DUKE! MAAAAAAAAAAA-CKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

MYLDE: He really calls that thing the Triple X Bomb?

OBERSTARR: Is there a problem, Jimmy?

MYLDE: No, it’s just…I hope RA’s got the cash to pay out royalties to Sean Stevens. That’s a franchise rich enough to bankrupt us.

OBERSTARR: We could always no-sell the name.

MYLDE: No-sell? He’s got that trademarked too.

OBERSTARR: I’m not touching that one. Back after this…

(CUTTO: STATIC)

 

[LQJT86C]

v. Put...that food...DOWN!

King of All Monsters

(CUT-TO: Your AWESOME NLW interview backdrop. Smiling to the camera, none other than Next Level Wrestling’s favorite buxom interviewer, the very beautiful STRAWBERRY B*TCH. The lovely buxom smiles for the camera as that little red light comes on, letting her know to do her damn job.)

StrB!TCH: Hey everyone! Tthank you so much for joining us tonight! We’ve got an awesome broad… broad… show tonight! Standing next to me is one of the people who are gonna be in that like… crazy battle thing next week with a bunch of big guys. Some call him the guy that’ll like… win the whole thing and stuff! Please welcome! The Watertown… Water Buffalo? He’s Vic Gravender!

(CUT-TO: None other than the “Watertown Wrecking Ball” Vic Gravender, squeezing his tremendous frame into view. Snacking away on a whole bucket of greasy Kentucky Fried Chicken, the massive monster of a man tears away at the remnants of a drumstick before tossing the bone aside. Oddly enough, one can hear glass breaking and a cat screeching in terror, to which Vic raises an eyebrow.)

StrB!TCH: So, Vic… um… uh, you have a promo thing.

VIC GRAVENDER: (through full teeth, spitting out chunks of meat) Yessah.

StrB!TCH: And… you’re eating.

VIC GRAVENDER: Thath raught… (swallows remaining food) Sorry, sugartits. Yes… food. Yum. Provides me with the fuel I need to power this engine of destruction called my uh… we’ll say husky frame. Very sexy, of course.

StrB!TCH: Well… to my question. Next week, the fans get to see the first half of the Open Weight Grand Pricks and you’re in the half next week with all the other big guys. Thoughts?

(Vic mouths the words “Grand Pricks?” under his breath, but shrugs and takes another bite of a thigh.)

VIC GRAVENDER: Nexth weak, we’th goth a great mash! Eight-er soh dudth (swallows chicken) will climb into that ring and slug it out for supremacy! But that’s not all (another bite) We’th gonna sthart throwin’ ‘bows and puthin’ one anotha ova tha top rope and kick thome ath… (swallows) That’s why next week, I’m in it to win it. No gothed-out, dolled-up fags, no bouncers, and certainly… (yes, kids, another bite) No homeleth thobos, crathy folkths, Japos, or even thuh wathed-up vets er gonna take thith away fro muh!

StrB!TCH: Um… Vic, I don’t think anybody understood you.

VIC GRAVENDER: (swallows his last bite, sighs as the bucket is now empty) Okay, come on, I haven’t had sh*t to eat today. By eating on television, I’m not only showing that I’m merely one of the people… these awesome ****ing people right here in the Hammerstein Ballroom tonight! (V/O from crowd: “VIC! VIC! VIC! VIC!”) I’m generating revenue for NLW as we get off the ground. And everybody loves chicken… sweet, sweet Kentucky Fried pieces of heaven… about eleven or twelve secret spices, making each and every piece that you sink your teeth into feel alive. ALIVE, STRAWBERRY B!TCH, ALIVE!

StrB!TCH: Vic? You’re drooling.

VIC GRAVENDER: Huh? (wiping himself off) RIGHT! Okay, so, to recap. Sugartits… Grand Pricks… f*ck everybody else, I’M winning The King of All Monsters GP! Ain’t nobody bigger than me… (taking a bite of a sandwich that we dare not ask where he got it) HAHAHAHA! NOBO-DUH HUNGRUHR THUN ME!

(Nodding with a big handful of Subway sandwich caked with a sh*t-ton of chicken, fatty oils and heaping helpings of mayo, Vic walks off, leaving Strawberry to her own devices.)

StrB!TCH: So… uh… there you have it… Vic eats and… will apparently eat everybody in the ring? Uh…

(CUTTO: STATIC)

 

[LQJT86C]

vi. Jap versus Carpathian

(FADEIN: The entrance way. “Wild Things” by The Troggs playing over the PA as Yutaka Maeda makes his way to the ring, the crowd buzzing at the sight of the massive Japanese warrior. Maeda has one black trunks, black boots and knee pads and a black vest, about the only flare he has is his dyed blonde hair. He steps over the top rope as SIREN begins one of her ear splitting intros)

SIREN: IN THE RING…FROM TOE-KEY-OH, JAPAN! WEIGHTING IN AT TWO HUNDRED!!! AND EEEEIGHTTTYY POUNDS!! YU!! TA!! KKKKKAAAAAA!!!!! MAAAEEEEEDDDDAAAAA!!!

(Maeda hands his vest to a ringside attendant and begins stretching out on the ropes. His music fades out. After a few moments a “Magnus!” chant starts. CUEUP: “Conquer All” by Behemoth. The crowd pops big as Magnus Destructo walks out. Magnus is dripping with chain mail, metal spikes, and every other sort of armor one can imagine. He takes off a steel Viking helmet to reveal his face painted white with deep black circles around the eyes. He throws the helmet to the ground and dives into the ring, where ref Brian Puter has to keep Magnus from trying to get at Maeda, due to him being covered in very illegal pieces of sharp metal)

SIREN: AND HISSSSS OPPONENT!! FROM THE CAR!! PAYY!!! THEEEE!!! IIIIANNNN MOUNT!!!! TANSSS!!! WEIGHTING IN AT TWO HUNDRED…AND EEEEIGHTTTY SEEEEVENNN!!! POUNDS!! MAG!! NUS!!! DEEEEEE!!! STRUCT!!!!!! OOOOOOOO!!!!!

(Magnus begins removing his armor, till he’s finally in his wrestling gear of a black singlet, knee pads, ring boots and MMA gloves. Puter calls for the bell)

OBERSTARR: These two giants meet right in the middle of the ring and begin trading bombs! This is getting violent in a hurry! Both men not giving an inch and now they lock up in a test of strength…Maeda lands a couple of knees to Magnus gut and he pulls a hand free and BLASTS the big man with a clothesline that staggers him…Maeda with brutal forearm to the jaw sending Magnus to the floor!

MYDLE: This crazy maniac must have thought that he could just outmuscle everyone in this company, but clearly RA likes his talent to be on the all-you-can-eat diet…Maybe Magnus should go back to his little castle and get back to fighting people that don’t fight back.

OBERSTARR: Maeda to the floor and he SLAMS Magnus into the steel steps face first…Magnus staggering away and then turns back and throws a series of right hands to Maeda who retaliates with an elbow to the side of Magnus’ head…Maeda rolls Magnus back into the ring and now gets back on the apron..Magnus gets to his feet…BIG BOOT BLASTS MAEDA RIGHT IN THE HEAD SENDING HIIM TO THE FLOOR!

MYDLE: Now that’s just not right, this big moron thinks he can take cheap shots like that? Maeda was trying to get into the ring, this is uncalled for.

OBERSTARR: Magnus now going to the floor and he grabs Maeda and sends him into the railing face first, and again and again! Maeda now shoved face first into the corner of the ring steps! (pop!) And he’s down and out on the floor…Magnus pulls Yutaka up to his feet, Maeda is busted wide open! (Magnus holds a stumbling, bleeding Maeda up on his feet as he screams “BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!” which a bunch of the crowd screams along with him!) Magnus now throws Maeda into the ring…Magnus follows after him and lands a series of clubbing forearms to the back of Maeda…And now The Baron of Brutality grabs Maeda and sends him to the ropes…BACKDROP! NO! Maeda with a kick to the face straightens up Magnus…Another kick to the gut doubles him over…Maeda off the ropes…SWINGING NECKBREAKER! He drops Destructo and makes the cover (One!) Far leg hooked (Two!) Two and NO!

MYLDE: This Maeda is in this for the long haul. Yeah Magnus managed to give him a bit of a paper cut, but he’s still fighting in there.

OBERSTARR: Maeda now locks in nerve hold into the shoulder of Magnus. Maeda grinding away as Magnus thrashing, trying to find a way back to his feet to get the pressure relieved on this hold.

MYLDE: All Magnus knows is pain, giving it out and taking it, I’d prefer to see him suffering, so I’m in favor of him being kept down.

OBERSTARR: Well you’re in the minority here as this crowd is getting louder (Clapping, “Magnus!” chant) trying to rally The Dreaded Devourer to his feet. Magnus wills himself to his feet…Magnus with a elbow to the gut, and another…A third one breaks the hold, but Maeda quickly with a double axe to the shoulders and he grabs Magnus…BIG BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX BY MAEDA…A cover (One!) Does he have him (Two) MAGNUS POWERS OUT! (Pop!)

MYLDE: I guess this guy can take a beating as good as he can give them…But I can’t abide by all the stupid crap he wears to the ring or the fact that he’s painted like it’s Halloween, come on Maeda, put this guy away.

OBERSTARR: Maeda now back to his feet, he’s measuring Magnus as he slowly gets back up. Maeda with a HARD kick to the leg of Magnus, and now a kick to the other leg…Now a right leg kick to the ribs, followed by a left leg kick to the ribs. And now a haymaker to the jaw…INTO A DISCUS ELBOW! Magnus just dropped like he’d been shot! Maeda drops down for a cover (One!) Magnus in trouble (Two!) KICKS OUT AGAIN!

MYLDE: You know as much as I want to see him lose, I was glad to see him kick out because now he’s in for even more abuse.

OBERSTARR: Maeda now gets a rear chin lock. That’s 280 or more pounds leading down on The Baron of Brutality. Maeda now transitioning from that chin lock into a arm bar, and now trying to get a cross arm bar and hyperextend that arm. Magnus quickly gets a leg on the ropes to break the hold before any damage can be done.

MYLDE: Well of course he’s near the ropes, the guy is like one of those blue cat people from Avatar, he’s gonna be able to reach out and grab the ropes no matter where he is in the ring.

OBERSTARR: Jimmy Mylde with the up to date current references…Maeda now backs up to the other side of the ring…Magnus back up…Both men charge at each other…DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! Both men crashing to the mat after that impact!

MYLDE: I think that’s about all Magnus has left in the tank to throw at this guy. Come on Maeda get up and finish this thing!

OBERSTARR: Both men getting up slowly after that collision in the middle of the ring. They get to their feet and Maeda lands a right hand and another…Magnus grabs him by the throat with both hands and pushes him into the corner choking the daylights out of him…(Magnus sticks his tongue out and mugs for the camera as the ref gives a slower than normal 5 count for him to break the choke.) Magnus just strangling the life from Maeda in the corner!

MYLDE: Well this ref needs to get control here, This is a friggin’ choke dammit!

OBERSTARR: Magnus breaks the choke and now hammers away with shoulder blocks into the gut of Maeda…Magnus whips Maeda into the corner and follows him in…GETS CAUGHT WITH A BIG BOOT! Magnus staggers out, and Maeda rushes him…GETS BACKDROPPED BY MAGNUS!

MYLDE: Counter-attacks left and right, it’s almost like this is a wrestling match and not just a punch and kick fest.

OBERSTARR: Well that is kind off the point here at Next Level Wrestling…To have wrestling…Maeda now back up…Magnus grabs him…GOING FOR THE DESTRUCTO-BOMB! CAN’T GET HIM UP! Maeda kicks to the gut and now HE GOES FOR THE THUNDER FIRE BOMB! NO! MAGNUS WITH A BACKDROP!! Maeda back to his feet…MAGNUS GOING FOR THE DESTRUCTIO-BOMB AGAIN…HE’S GOT HIM UP!! (Pop!) HE HIT IT!! MY LORD HE PLANTED MAEDA!!! A COVER!! (One!) DOES HE HAVE HIM?! (Two!) (Three!) YES HE DOES!!

(Bell rings, CUEUP: “Conquer All” by Behemoth, crowd buzzing and cheering loud as Magnus gets back to his feet, arms raised in victory)

SIREN: HERE IS YOUR WINNNNNER!!!! MAG!!! NUS!!!! DEEEEEEE!!!! STRUCCCCTTTTT!!!!! TOOOOOO!!!!!!!

OBERSTARR: It was power against power and man, I can’t believe he managed to get Maeda up for that move, what a impressive outing for Magnus who is looking more and more like a major threat for the King of the Monsters bracket to crown the first Open Weight NLW Champion.

MYLDE: He looked good, but let’s not crown him yet; I don’t know if this result would be the same if they had a rematch. We’re taking a break, but stick around ‘cause we’ve got more including WANDERLUST, BOBBY JACK WINDHAM, AND THE MAIN EVENT!

(FADEOUT)

 

[LQJT86C]

vii. "GET YOUR DICK OUT OF MY SINK!"

(FADEIN: A bunch of young upstart professionals standing around a sink with their arms crossed)

V/O: On the next episode of “GET YOUR DICK OUT OF MY SINK!”…

(CUTTO: Two guys sitting across from one another on couches)

LUKE: Look I’m a small business owner; I DON’T NEED THIS SH[BLEEP!], OKAY?

GREG: It’s just…I feel like there’s you, there’s me, and then there’s this giant f[BLEEP]king white elephant in the room, and it’s the sink!

V/O: Tempers flare, and a secret is discovered that will change the course of reality television FOREVER…

(CUTTO: Girl walks into the kitchen holding a dripping wet thong)

SAMANTHA: Umm…WHY was my underwear in the sink?

(SLO-MO FLASH CUTTO: Luke’s face; Greg’s face; Donny’s face; David’s face; Molly’s face; Karen’s face)

(CUTTO: KAREN and SAMANTHA pulling each other’s hair, throwing punches)

KAREN: GET OFF ME YOU STUPID B[BLEEP]!

V/O: Then…TRAGEDY strikes the house!

(CUTTO: DONNY on the phone, face buried in hands, crying)

DONNY: (sobbing) Grandma…

(CUTTO: KAREN yelling at the house)

KAREN: I don’t even HAVE a dick! WHAT THE F[BLEEP!] AM I DOING HERE?!

(CUTTO: GREG and LUKE)

GREG: You put a bunch of sinkrophiliacs living under YOUR ROOF…what did you THINK was gonna happen?!

V/O: And then…THE CLIMAX!

(CUTTO: LUKE staring at something off camera)

LUKE: DUDE…GET YOUR DICK OUT OF MY SINK!

(CUTTO: GREG chasing after DONNY)

GREG: Donny…Donny!...DONNY!

(CUTTO: DONNY’s croch-down in the sink, pants half pulled down, half his white ass is showing)

LUKE: This is MY HOUSE! I’m a small business owner!

DAVID: Hahaha dude…Donny’s grandma’s in that sink dude...

(CUTTO: DONNY walking violently towards DAVID, crying, front of his pants are soaking wet)

DONNY: What’s up bro? You said I’m trying to f[BLEEP] my dead grandma in the sink bro? What’s up now bro? WHAT’S UP NOW BRO?!

(CUTTO: DONNY and DAVID pulling at each other’s shirts, fighting)

(CUTTO: The official “GET YOUR DICK OUT OF MY SINK!” logo)

V/O: You don’t wanna miss the next episode of NY TV-10’s highest rated reality show… “GET YOUR DICK OUT OF MY SINK!” Wednesdays at NINE!

(FADEOUT)

 

[LQJT86C]

viii. Scheinberg v. Lust

(FADEIN: Post-entrance, ELI SCHEINBERG and WANDERLUST circle one another in the ring. Wanderlust runs a hand through his big, 80’s style mane of hair, while Scheinberg breaks away to lean over the ropes and throw his hands up to a rowdy New York crowd. Just then- WANDERLUST ROLLS HIM UP!)

OBERSTARR: We’re back on VULGAR, and Wanderlust takes Eli Scheinberg by surprise for a two count only!

MYLDE: See, that’s how you gotta be in the ring; unpredictable, ready to unleash a surprise at any time. That’s how it is in the bedroom too, Oberstarr, and when you become a man one day, you’ll understand what I mean.

OBERSTARR: Eli’s got Wanderlust pinned in the corner now, punishing him with knees to the midsection! Eli…utilizing that shoot-fight style he brings to the table, unpredictable as you so eloquently put it, though he can wrestle with the best of them. Snap mare into a sleeper hold, Wanderlust is blindly reaching for the ropes.

(CROWD: “YOU-F*CK-TRA-SHY!” Clap clap clapclapclap)

OBERSTARR: It was here last week that Eddie Patton scored a pinfall victory over Wanderlust, much to the Mystic Wanderer’s surprise. Tonight, he might wanna take his opponent a little more seriously, as Scheinberg’s as good of a wrestler as we have on roster.

(SCHEINBERG has the sleeper locked on when all of a sudden, an old brown journal flies and hits him in the head. He releases the hold out of anger and picks up the book)

MYLDE: Are projectiles legal?

OBERSTARR: Trashy Romance just tossed that journal thing he’s been carrying around, right at the head of Eli Scheinberg, and Eli’s not laughing. The hold’s released, but now he’s sifting through that journal…the crowd’s calling for it…

MYLDE: Come on, that’s somebody’s personal property, Eli; you don’t mess with that! Do the right thing, now…

(SCHEINBERG rips pages out of the journal and CHUCKS IT deep into the crowd! TRASHY goes nuts, yelling “NO! HIS ADVENTURES AND CONQUESTS SHALL BE FORGOTTEN!” before sliding into the ring to recover the lost pages)

OBERSTARR: There goes the chronicles of Wanderlust, or whatever the hell he was writing in that thing. Trashy’s in the ring, but quickly gets booted out by Eli. Wait, no, TURN AROUND!

(CROWD: “OOOOOOH!”

OBERSTARR: DOUBLE KNEE BACKBREAKER! WANDERLUST JUST SNAPPED ELI’S SPINE IN TWINE!

MYLDE: Oh-ho, brilliant!

OBERSTARR: He’s got the leg hooked…ONE…TWOOO…and Eli kicks out! Wanderlust might have wrested control of this match back from Scheinberg, but let’s see what he does with it. He’s got to finish strong here…

MYLDE: Wanderlust is a finisher, or so I hear. Some women claim he finishes three or four times in a single night.

OBERSTARR: And without a blue pill; ain’t that something, Jimmy?

MYLDE: Hey, what are you getting at, Oberstarr?

OBERSTARR: Wanderlust whips Eli into the turnbuckle HARD! Eli stumbling…HERE COMES- no, wait a minute. Wanderlust stops to do pushups! Now he’s back up, WINDS UP…right hand! No, ducked by Eli, and now Eli fires away!

MYLDE: Well, he may be getting his ass kicked, but at least he looks good doing it.

OBERSTARR: Are you developing a Bro-mance for Wanderlust, Jimmy?

MYLDE: BRO-MANCE?? Get your MTV Generation lingo out of my face before I slap the taste out of your mouth.

OBERSTARR: Eli backs up Wanderlust into the corner with rights, lefts, kick to the midsection! DDT! ELI WITH THE COVER! TWO! NO! WANDERLUST’S UP! Eli brings him to his feet, but makes him eat a knee on the way up. Now he seems to be…seems to be tying Wanderlust’s arms up in the ropes there. Wanderlust can’t move and now it’s Eli off the ropes…BACK ELBOW! Wanderlust slumps down, but he’s not out just yet! Eli off the ropes AGAIN! DROPKICK! Wanderlust is still tied up, can you believe it? ONE MORE TIME! RUNNING CLOTHESLINE SENDS THE MYSTIC WANDERER TO THE OUTSIDE!

(CHEERS!)

MYLDE: They don’t deserve you, Wanderlust! These people have no idea about your lifestyle and conquests! NO IDEA!

OBERSTARR: I think he may have heard you Jimmy, because Wanderlust is walking away! He shook his hand at the ring and is taking off down the aisle!

(BOOS!)

MYLDE: Smart man; screw ‘em! Who cares? You don’t need this crap, Wanderlust. Hell, I don’t need this crap either, and I might just walk out myself!

OBERSTARR: Best of luck to you, Jimmy, but I’m afraid Wanderlust won’t be getting away so easy! There goes Eli Scheinberg, he’s after him! Trashy yells to Wanderlust, but it’s too late! He gets clocked from behind, and the match is STILL ON!

MYLDE: This is inhumane! The man was leaving, Oberstarr!

OBERSTARR: Eli’s got him by the mane! Aaaaaand there he goes, right over the railing! Eli follows! THEY’RE IN THE CROWD NOW!

(Crowd LIGHTS UP! SCHEINBERG and WANDERLUST trade punches as the crowd makes a circle around them. One male fan stands in view of the camera, lifting up his shirt to reveal his nipple rings, screaming “CHECK THIS SH*T OUT BOYYYYEEEEEEE!”)

MYLDE: Put those things away- this is a family venue!

OBERSTARR: This is NOT a family venue! And we’ve got a BRAWL in the crowd, folks! These men are unrelenting, with Wanderlust getting the worst of the exchange! Eli’s tucks his head under the arm of Wanderlust…SNAP SUPLEX ON THE CONCRETE FLOOR! WANDERLUST HAS HIS HANDS UP, LOOKING FOR A RELEASE BUT THERE IS NONE!

MYLDE: Get him off the floor, you’re dirtying his mane! I swear, the Jews know nothing about hair care!

OBERSTARR: Watch it Jimmy, this neighborhood is kosher! Wanderlust’s bent over the railing, trying to climb but is worn and unable! Someone just handed Eli a chair!

(SFX: THWACK! “OOOOOH!”)

OBERSTARR: RIGHT-TO-THE-BACK! AND ELI FLIPS HIM OVER THE RAILING! Wanderlust is crawling, trying to get to the steps; he does! But now Eli has him by the foot! WAIT A MINUTE- WATCH OUT!

(CROWD: “OOOOH!”)

OBERSTARR: TRASHY ROMANCE! HE QUITE POSSIBLY JUST SAVED THE MATCH FOR WANDERLUST! HE HAD THE RING BELL AND STRAIGHT DROVE IT INTO THE LOWER BACK OF ELI SCHEINBERG!

MYLDE: Who the hell is THIS?!

OBERSTARR: Mordy Rosenberg! It’s Mordy Rosenberg!

MYLDE: Attorney at law?

OBERSTARR: No! Eli’s trainer! AND THERE THEY GO! HE’S GIVING CHASE TO TRASHY ROMANCE! TOUGH LUCK FOR TRASHY, HE AIN’T THAT FAST! CLOCKED WITH AN ELBOW FROM MORDY, AND TRASHY’S DOWN!

(CROWD: “F*CK ‘IM-IN THE-ASS! F*CK ‘IM-IN THE-ASS!”)

MYLDE: What kinda sick show IS THIS?!

OBERSTARR: It’s NLW! Mordy with the inverted DDT on Trashy, and you can factor him out of this match! Mordy’s shouting at Eli to get up, but Wanderlust has him in the middle of the ring. Looks like he’s going for a piledriver- WILL HE GET IT? YES! AND BARELY! Wanderlust summoning all his strength to continue here!

(A carton of chocolate milk flies from the seats at WANDERLUST, bursting all over his mane! Wanderlust yells furiously at the crowd)

MYLDE: These people are animals, LOOK AT THIS! Soiling Wanderlust’s mane, all because he’s made a heroic comeback!

OBERSTARR: Wanderlust has Eli up for ANOTHER piledriver! Aaaaand he got him again! This time with a pin! ONE! TWOOOO! THREE! NO! ELI GOT THE SHOULDER UP!

WANDERLUST: (Throwing up his index finger) ONE MORE!

OBERSTARR: He’s calling for another one! And that might be all he needs!

MYLDE: Little did you know, the piledriver is actually Wanderlust’s signature move in the bedroom, though it looks a lot different in the ring.

OBERSTARR: I didn’t realize you were the resident expert on the sexscapades of Wanderlust.

MYLDE: Hey, it’s my job to do a little research on these guys, to know their histories and biographical information like the back of my hand.

OBERSTARR: Oh yeah? Maybe you should be the one chronicling his adventures then?

MYLDE: Well maybe I will!

OBERSTARR: Wanderlust can’t quite lift Eli; has he lost the energy? No, this time, he picks him up- PILEDRIVER! AGAIN! THIS IS IT FOR ELI, IT HAS TO BE! FLAT COVER! ONE…TWOOOO…NO! NO! He should have hooked the leg- Eli kicked out!

MYLDE: Has RA thought about instituting instant replay? We might need it after this one.

OBERSTARR: I can’t believe it- HE’S GOING FOR ANOTHER ONE! Wanderlust won’t stop until he’s broken Eli Scheinberg’s neck…HERE WE GO! NO! ELI DRIVES HIM BACK INTO THE TURNBUCKLES, AND HARD!

(SCHEINBERG hooks the leg as they bounce off the turnbuckles, quickly locking the head and picking WANDERLUST up for a Fisherman’s suplex DDT!)

OBERSTARR: L’CHAIM! L’CHAIM! HE CAUGHT HIM OFF THE TURNBUCKLE! ONE! TWO! THREE! ELI PULLS OFF THE WIN HERE ON VULGAR!

(SFX: Bell rings)

(CUEUP: “Supersonic” by Oasis)

SIREN: YOUR WINNER! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEINBEEEEEEEEEEEERRRGGGGGGG!

OBERSTARR: What a match! Eli had control, lost it, and in an amazing show of resilience, clutches victory from the jaws of defeat! And Wanderlust has gotta be upset, losing his second straight match when victory was so close!

MYLDE: Well look at all the obstacles he had to deal with! It was like Paperboy in there! Nipple rings, Chocolate milk, Mordy Rosenberg…who could win under such conditions?!

OBERSTARR: Eli Scheinberg sends Wanderlust back to the drawing board, and we’ve got to take a break! More coming up, including Bobby Jack Windham, IMPULSE, and a special guest commentator! It’s VULGAR!

(CUTTO: STATIC)

 

[LQJT86C]

ix. Great, now they're playing C-Lo in the ring

(CUTTO: Random masked luchador warming up in the ring, stretching his back on the ropes. SIREN is on the microphone)

SIREN: AND HIS OPPONENT!

(CUEUP: “People of the Sun” by Rage Against The Machine)

(From the walkway, a man appears wearing a gray mask with a black moth split on both sides of the front, down to the chin. Long, greasy wet black hair sprouts over the mask and down to his neck. He sports long gray spandex tights, boots, and spandex sleeveless top...all with random black splotches dotted here and there. On both his arms are sleeve tattoos featuring dead Aztec warriors holding weapons. We saw him last week: ARCÁNGEL IV)

SIREN: FROOOOOOM M-M-M-M-MEXICO CITY, MEXCICO! HE STANDS FIVE FOOT TEN, WEIGHING IN AT TWO HUNDRED TEN POUNDS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARCAAAAAAAAAAAANGEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL………FFFFFFFFFFFFFOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-AAAAAAAHHHHH!

LYRICS V/O: “It’s coming back around again…”

“This is for tha people of tha SUN!”

OBERSTARR: This should be interesting. Two weeks ago, Arcangel IV showed up uninvited with a man wrestling fans haven’t seen in over a decade, CARLOS CANYETA.

MYLDE: They got thrown out for loitering, right?

OBERSTARR: Well, yes, they were escorted out. Though I mistakenly asserted that Arcangel was without a contract- he is, in fact, signed to NLW. Canyeta, on the other hand, has not been signed, nor is anybody happy with what went on two weeks ago, to my understanding.

(ARCANGEL IV steps into the ring, calling for the mic as he paces back and forth in front of his unnamed opponent)

MYLDE: Great, he wants a microphone.

ARCANGEL IV: This ain’t gonna take long. (Looks at opponent) Se ha olvidado usted donde usted vino de, el hermano? You lookin’ to get f*cked up tonight, homie? Or you wanna listen to what I gotta say? (BOOS) ALL YOU PEOPLE gotta listen to what I’M sayin’…cause you ain’t hearing it anywhere else.

MYLDE: (Yelling) THIS-IS-AMERICA! We speak ENGLISH here!

ARCANGEL IV: I’ma be honest with you, hombre…they told me to come out here and break you in half. They wanted to see some real RUDO sh*t, comprende? And really I wouldn’t mind doin’ it, ‘cept I’m INJURED HOMIE! (BOOS!)

(CROWD: “YOU’RE-A-B*TCH! YOU’RE-A-B*TCH!”)

ARCANGEL: Naaaah, you’re the little b*tches. I got injuries, puto. Injuries incurred…from breakin’ my back for white promoters, juss’ like they askin’ of us tonight. They say: “Angel…go out there…make a show. Do some flips. Some whirlwind whatever…moonsaults…whatever you do. Do it on the cement. Then do it off the railing.” And you kill yourself, night after night, paycheck after paycheck, and es not even enough to get you cable TV in a ROACH MOTEL. (BOOS)

MYLDE: Roach motel? They’ve been good to you, Angel! I would’ve had you sleeping on packing peanuts with last week’s Daily News as a blanket!

ARCANGEL: Down in Mexico…back home…we’re RESPECTED, muchacho! We’re LOOOVED. I get fed like a king, paid like a prince, and here…they ROB YOU LIKE BANDITS. Robbed of your money, your pride…so what I’m gonna do here…(reaches into tights and pulls out three dice)…is I’ma CHANGE YOUR LUCK tonight.

MYLDE: See what happens when you let the Mexicans into NLW? They play CRAPS in the ring! Hey Angel, why don’t you paint my fence while you’re in there!

OBERSTARR: Will you stop shouting racially charged statements at him? You’re only encouraging this…

(ARCANGEL tosses the dice off the lucha’s chest, as they bounce to the floor to read: 1-2-3. In the distance, a man in a leather jacket charges through the crowd and up to the ring apron)

ARCANGEL: Read tha dice, holmes…it just ain’t your night…

OBERSTARR: LOOK OUT!

(From behind, CARLOS CANYETA attacks the masked luchador, kicking and stomping him as ARCANGEL attacks from the front)

OBERSTARR: IT’S CANYETA! IT WAS A SETUP! THEY’RE BEATING THE HELL OUT OF THIS POOR YOUNG LUCHADOR!

MYLDE: That’s it! I want a full out Mexi-ban, effective tonight!

(CANYETA takes the luchador and hits THE CUTTER, putting him out cold)

(SFX: Bell continuously rings)

SIREN: Here is your winner by disqualification…EL PERO LOCO!

ARCANGEL IV: Pero Loco? What gringo b*tch gave you that name, maricon?

(Hands the mic to CANYETA; crowd BOOING LOUDLY!)

CANYETA: What?! Why are you booing?! What did I do? I made this kid’s dreams come true! He just won a match in Next Level Wrestling…This place is the hottest, most talked about company in wrestling today, isn’t it?! Isn’t that what all you smarks are telling yourself?!

(CROWD: “YOU’RE-A-HAS-BEEN!”)

CANYETA: Yeah…Well I just made his dream come true…It’s time for NLW to make MY DREAM come true…There’s some crazy 16 man tournament going on, a bunch of nobodys…(Chant gets louder) OH YOU CALL ME A HAS-BEEN!? THAT WHOLE LOCKER ROOM IS A BUNCH OF NEVER WILL BE’S!! (BOOS!) Yeah none of them, are ever gonna amount to nothing in this business…But all 16 of them, let them fight each other to the death, let Bobby Jack Windham pray for our salvation…Let Impulse do the home-town hero suck-up act…Let Magnus Destructo bust some people’s heads open like melons…Have Eddie Patton steal all your hearts while Wanderlust steals your girlfriends...Let’s have all these guys kill each other…For what…I’ll tell you what…

I got the WINNER of this whole deal…You want me in this company?! (Boos! “We don’t want you!” chant) YOU NEED ME IN THIS COMPANY! I’M A WORLD CHAMPION DAMMIT!! (BOOS!) (Canyeta reaches into his jeans and pulls out a piece of paper.) This is a contract…Money…RA can’t pay me what I’m worth…He can’t pay me enough for the crap of having to stand in this ring and look at each and every one of you pieces of garbage…(Boos) No…So really, the only way he’s gonna sign me is if I get to cut to the front of the line, I get the poor bastard who went through four brutal rounds to win the NLW World Open Weight Title…And I’m gonna cut his reign off REAL QUICK…That’s what I’m gonna do…

ARCANGEL: And you can put that on E-S-E-N with the rest of the anti-brown BULLSH*T. Like the racist rednecks down in Greensboro, never had a brown champion before. And the N-F-W…they should call that sh*t N-C-F-W…’where NIGGAZ-CAN’T-FIND-WORK!

CANYETA: Yeah, this is NEXT level wrestling…And whoever wins the Open Weight Championship…I got it NEXT…

(BOOS!)

(CANYETA drops the mic as security happens to show up right as his promo is finished. Canyeta holds his hands up and backs out of the ring as he goes through the ritual of once again being run from the arena)

OBERSTARR: ABSURD! He’s trying to upstage the whole Open Weight Grand Prix!

MYLDE: Keep your pants on, Oberstarr, it ain’t gonna happen. This guy’s never getting in NLW, so he can go back to carrying bags for some guy named after a weight-lifting supplement. OOPS, that company’s dead…my mistake!

OBERSTARR: If I know NLW RA Palazzo the way I think I do, that contract’s never getting signed. Take note, prospective wrestlers: this is NOT the way to get through the front door!

(CUTTO: STATIC)

 

[LQJT86C]

x. Patton v. Windham (w/JESUS)

(CUTTO: The ring, where SIREN is standing with the mic)

SIREN: Annnnnd now…INTRODUCTING hmm-FIRST!

(The arena lights dim; “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC begins to play over the PA as blue and white lights flash at the entrance curtains before becoming a single strobelight. The strobe flashes quickly to keep pace with Angus’ scale notes. The crowd chants along- THUN-DAH! THUN-DAH! THUN-DAH!)

SIREN: FROM GARY, INDIANA! HEEEEEEEEEEE STANDS FIVE FEET! ELEVENNNNN INCHEEEEZZZZZ! HE WEEEEEEIGHS IN AT TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY THREE POUNDS!

(She lets the music build up more; the crowd continues to chant. And just like that- BOOM! The chorus kicks in, EDDIE PATTON storms out! He rushes to either side of the railing, dressed in blue wrestling pants with yellow bolts on both sides, plus matching boots and wristbands)

SIREN: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOON! or…ELECTRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!

(EDDIE PATTON slides face first under the ring and immediately jumps up a turnbuckle to throw his arms up at the audience)

OBERSTARR: Fresh off his victory over Wanderlust on the last edition of VULGAR, Eddie Patton returns! And by the way, we have a special guest who’ll be staying with us for the duration of the match. Please welcome NLW President, RA Palazzo!

PALAZZO: It’s about time I got my ass down here to watch these guys up close. (laughs) How are ya, Jimmy?

MYLDE: You keep signing my paychecks, I’m doing dandy RA.

PALAZZO: Lemme get this quick announcement out of the way before the match starts…NLW’s struck up a partnership with ESEN, and starting with the next show they’ll be broadcasting Friday Night Vulgar as well as replaying the show on weekends. We’re also looking into another, smaller type show, with details to follow. NLW…Extreme Sports Entertainment Netwrok…you can’t beat it.

OBERSTARR: Unbelievable news, RA…and we’ll be looking forward to any further developments.

MYLDE: Oh, ESEN? That’s nice. I want a raise.

(CUEUP: “La Grange” by ZZ Top)

(Crowd instantly BOOS knowing who’s about to step through the curtains)

OBERSTARR: And man, ‘Electric’ Eddie hasn’t had an easy draw yet…now he’s going up against a man who’s had his fair share of HYPE, if you will, being the nephew of Mark and Troy Windham.

SIREN: AND HIS OPPONENT!

(Booing gets louder as a stocky young man with a dirty blonde mop top walks out of the curtains. Collegiate wrestling headgear hangs from one of his palms as he takes a quick leftward glance at the barbaric city crowd, before stepping forward and ignoring them completely. He’s wearing a wrestling singlet bearing the red and white of the Texas Tech Red Raiders. Wrestling’s in his blood, as he’s the legacy of legends. His name: BOBBY JACK WINDHAM)

SIREN: FROOOOOOOOM SWEETWATER, TEXAS! HE STANDS SIX…FOOT…SIX! WEIGHS IN AT TWO HUNDRED…FIFTY FIIIIIIIVE POUNDS! WITH JESUSSSSSS CHRIST AS HIS WITNESS, HE CARRIES THE WINDHAMMMMMM FAMILY TORCH! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BOBBY! JACK! WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNDHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

(WINDHAM steps over the ropes looking over at PATTON before circling his arms forward and stretching his back against the ropes. He then goes to his corner, kneels…and prays)

PALAZZO: Let me tell you, when I went to see this kid wrestle at Texas Tech, I was f*cking blown away. Not only that, but with the way the economy’s going, and how hard it’s hitting the bigger companies like NFW, and CSWA who haven’t run a show in God knows how long, I saw this as a golden opportunity for us to a snag a kid who might not have come here otherwise.

OBERSTARR: No doubt, he’s a phenomenal talent. His acquisition made quite a bit of news in the wrestling world…

PALAZZO: Oh definitely. Look, we’re a great company, but we’re a new company. He might have felt compelled to follow in his family’s footsteps and start off in a more established place. Now he can start here, and he’s able to grow and improve without all the unneeded pressure, and I’m telling you…it’s guys like him, Impulse, Eddie Patton right there, who are gonna help put this place on the map, you watch. We’re not going f*cking anywhere.

OBERSTARR: They lock up and right away, Windham displaying that big man strength he possesses, forcing Patton to the corner. The referee backs him away, but not before a LOUD slap to the chest of Eddie Patton! Ohhh man, they heard that in the rafters, Jimmy!

MYLDE: He’s toying with him; it’s gonna be like a man playing with a child…except nobody gets arrested nor put on the federal watchlist.

OBERSTARR: A regular occurrence in your neighborhood? Eddie ducks under the lockup and ties up Windham’s leg. Windham, hopping on one foot, perhaps not light-footed enough to pull off the kick. Patton…sweeps the other leg, locking him up for the Cloverleaf now! Patton struggling…and Windham pushes him off!

MYLDE: It’s the power deficit, Oberstarr, and Patton might not be able to solve it.

OBERSTARR: Patton swarms Windham for the double underhooks…both men struggling! Windham won’t let himself get DDT’d, but here’s Patton with the tilt-a-whirl rollup! ONE…TWO…NO! Windham’s right up, waistlocks Patton and DRIVES HIM to the ground!

PALAZZO: That’s the collegiate wrestling pedigree right there.

OBERSTARR: Windham immediately moves to the shoulderlock…Patton scrambling. Patton kicks up to his feet, and reverses to an armlock. STANDING SPINNING HEEL KICK!

(WINDHAM checks his lip for blood and looks up at PATTON, annoyed)

PALAZZO: Exactly why you can’t discount Patton. As much as we’re hyping up Windham, let’s not forget this is the guy who beat Wanderlust who was HEAVILY favored.

OBERSTARR: PATTON TRIES FOR THE BACKWARDS ROLLING KNEEBAR, AND MISSES! Windham IMMEDIATELY with kicks to the head of Patton! Drops a knee, followed by some punches. Patton is getting HAMMERED for his mistake!

MYLDE: It’s like a bear swatting a camper who stepped out of his element.

OBERSTARR: Windham with some more stomps, and now he has…well, he’s got him for what looks like a suplex, but Patton’s on the ground…? No wait…HERE WE GO! DEADLIFT SUPLEX! WOW! That’s 225 pounds lifted straight from the ground…pure power!

PALAZZO: (clapping) GREAT move, that’s what I like to see! Alright, don’t look at me, look at him (talking to Windham). He’s not dead; get at it!

OBERSTARR: Windham sends Patton off the ropes, and meets him with a BIG knee to the midsection! Forearm to the back! He’s just BEATING Patton down! And maybe, this time, ‘Electric’ Eddie Patton’s taken on more than he can handle in the young Windham?

MYLDE: Ya think? Come on, it took you this long to figure out what I knew since last week when they announced this match.

(WINDHAM points to PATTON, then pretends to flick something off his shoulder before pushing Patton’s head down with his boot. Crowd BOOS!)

OBERSTARR: Windham taunting the crowd and his opponent; if there’s one thing he’s not short on, it’s confidence. He sends off the ropes again…SIDEWINDER SLAM! Hooks the leg…TWO...AAAND Patton gets the shoulder up. Windham protesting the count, but he’s got Patton right back up again, this time sending him into the corner. Patton leaps the turnbuckle though, onto the apron, and now he drops to the outside.

PALAZZO: Eddie’s looking frustrated; obviously the game plan isn’t working.

MYLDE: I’ve got a game plan for Eddie Patton: take the boots, hang ‘em back up in the locker room, work out a severance package with the brass, and RETIRE. Go work at the indy record store- LIKE THE GARBAGE YOU ARE! I hope he heard me.

(WINDHAM sits on the second rope, inviting PATTON back into the ring)

OBERSTARR: Look at this, Patton takes off around the ring- Windham’s trying to track him. He slides in quick, Windham misses the kick, and now Eddie’s got him in a waistlock!

PALAZZO: Going power for power with Bobby Jack isn’t the smartest decision.

OBERSTARR: No, he pushes him forward and follows with a dropkick to the turnbuckles! He grabs the head…DOUBLE KNEE FACEBREAKER! Patton has Windham down! Look out! SECOND ROPE MOONSAULT AND THE PIN! ONE! TWO! NO! Patton comes right off the ropes and slide kicks Windham; there’s that electric offense Patton’s known for!

(CROWD: EDD-IE! EDD-IE! EDD-IE!)

MYLDE: Shut these animals up! It’s a fluke, I tell ya, A FLUKE!

OBERSTARR: Patton has the double underhooks, but no! Windham powers him backwards over the ropes! Patton’s on the apron, but Windham doesn’t see him!

(WINDHAM points at himself with double-thumbs; he thinks the cheering is for him, but Eddie’s right behind)

OBERSTARR: Eddie…springs off the ropes! FLYING BULLDOG! ANOTHER PIN! TWO…BUT WINDHAM PRESSES HIM OFF! Patton gets right back up, and off the ropes…AND HE SLIDEKICKS WINDHAM’S SKULL! Patton doing whatever he can to keep Windham down, and now he’s up the turnbuckles!

PALAZZO: This pace Eddie Patton keeps, it’s just non-stop high octane, and especially for a bigger guy it’s so hard to deal with.

OBERSTARR: Look out! Patton from up above!

(WINDHAM lunges over to HIT THE ROPES, causing PATTON to land on his groin!)

OBERSTARR: NO! WINDHAM SHOOK HIM DOWN! AND NOW HE’S UP, SLOWLY BUT HE’S UP!

MYLDE: See that? Power trumps speed, gentleman; always! Like when I’m with my wife, for instance: if I fire on all cylinders, she’ll need Medicaid by the time I’m done. But believe it when I tell ya, a healthy dose of concentrated power always does the trick…and I’ve got the power to fill their lunch hour, baby!

PALAZZO: Enough, Jimmy. I didn’t hire you to creep out the audience…

OBERSTARR: Windham’s got Patton hooked from the top…HERE WE GO! SUPERPLEX!

(SFX: BOOM!)

OBERSTARR: … … The ring just SHOOK on impact! Windham rolls back for the cover! ONE! TWOOO! THR-NO! NOT THREE! MATCH CONTINUES! And Bobby Jack Windham can’t believe it…

MYLDE: I can’t believe it either…can’t believe we’ve hired a bunch of referees who are slower than friggin’ Down’s Syndrome.

OBERSTARR: Bobby Jack is FURIOUS with the call, and now he’s dragging Patton to the corner!

(WINDHAM hooks PATTON’s legs under the top turnbuckle, also known as the TREE OF WOE)

OBERSTARR: Not good! Patton’s hooked and suspended with his back to the turnbuckle…a BRUTAL position if any of you are at all familiar with it.

PALAZZO: I’ve seen guys get their careers ended being hung like this. You do NOT want a man of Windham’s size hanging you in the tree of woe.

OBERSTARR: Hold on, what the HELL is going on here?! Windham’s asking for…for a…A MICROPHONE? Tell me he’s joking…

MYLDE: Does the man look like he’s joking, Oberstarr? Please, somebody, anybody…get him a mic!

(The timekeeper tosses a mic to WINDHAM as he leans a kick into EDDIE PATTON. Boos begin to ring through the audience)

WINDHAM: Y’hear that Eddie Patton? (STOMP!) Salvation’s at hand… (ANOTHER!) These people…their booing ain’t gonna save you… (AND ANOTHER!) …from th’ beating ahm ‘bout ta lay… (STOMP, STOMP, STOMP!) …on ya! (STOMP!)

(He stops the punishment momentarily to survey the crowd)

OBERSTARR: This is SICK! Somebody get him the hell out of there- this match is OVER! It’s OVER damn it!

(The BOOS ring out as WINDHAM pauses and sighs…turns around and delivers a BIG STOMP to the face of EDDIE PATTON!)

WINDHAM: Dear Jesus… (STOMP!) …please forgive Edward Patton… (STOMP!) …for he knows NOT-(STOMP)-WHAT-(STOMP)-HE-(STOMP)-DOES! (STOMP-STOMP-STOMP!) He musta forgot just who he was dealing with… (Holds foot against Patton’s throat) …he was dealing with a WINDHAM! A God-fearing, All-American, son of a DYNASTY! And this man, Lord…(laying his boot DEEP into Patton’s throat now)… he thought he could come out here in frunna all these mult’ah-cultural plague-bearing sodomites, (BOOS!) living in sin here in th’Armpit of America, where they call you DEAD n’ other such blasphemies… (STOMP-STOMP-STOMP!) …n’ take me for granted… (STOMP!)

OBERSTARR: He’s opened up! Patton’s bleeding! If he’s gonna pin him, then he should pin him! But this…this is insane! STOP THE MATCH!

WINDHAM: …but ah KNOW you’re alive, God, and ah know you’re listenin’…even if Eddie don’t know that… (STOMP!) … so ah’m askin’ you, dear Lord, ta please do what ah cayn’t find it in mah heart ta do… (STOMP!) …n’ that’s look after Eddie Patton. Look after him in this life, Lord… (STOMP!) …as he surely won’t meet you in th’ next… (STOMP!) Amen.

(Just then, a fan JUMPS THE RAILING, climbs into the ring after Bobby Jack, only to be met with a lunging BOOT TO THE FACE! Security quickly grabs the man after he rolls out of the ring. The BOOING continues!)

OBERSTARR: A FAN just ran in there and got his clock cleaned by Windham! And it’s hard to imagine a scenario where Patton pulls of the upset!

PALAZZO: Hey, if you get past our security into the ring, you take your life in your own hands.

MYLDE: Security should have kept Eddie Patton out as well, ‘cause he’s about to be put into a coma.

OBERSTARR: Windham backs up…and this might end badly for Patton…here he comes! DROPKICK TO THE MIDSECTIN! PATTON FALLS! WINDHAM COVERS FOR ONE…TWOOOO…HE GOT- NO! HE DIDN’T GET HIM! PATTON REFUSES DEFEAT!

MYLDE: Lay down, kid! It’s over! You wanna walk out of this arena, don’t you?

OBERSTARR: Bobby Jack Windham is floored! What does he have to do to put Patton away? Now he has him up for what looks like…well, he calls it the West Texan Stampede, known to some as the Oklahoma Stampede…

MYLDE: I spoke to Bobby Jack earlier, and he had a message for you: TO HELL WITH OKLAHOMA.

OBERSTARR: Is that a direct quote? HERE WE GO! NO! PATTON FALLS BEHIND HIM! SMALL PACKAGE! ONE! TWO! THREE! NO! DID HE GET HIM? NO! What an upset that would’ve been! Here comes Windham, misses with the clothesline…CATCHES Patton’s superkick! He waves the ‘no’ finger at Patton, but Patton spins around with the mule kick! Right to Windham’s jaw!

PALAZZO: Man, if Patton can pull this off, it’ll really be something. The guy was literally DEAD a minute ago.

OBERSTARR: Irish whip from Patton, reversed! Windham misses a BIG clothesline, and here’s the Hurricanrana! ONE! TWO! EDDIE PATTTTOOOOON- NO! NO! WINDHAM GOT THE SHOULDER UP!

MYLDE: Windhams aren’t susceptible to bullcrap moves like Hurricanranas and small packages!

OBERSTARR: Patton quickly off the ropes…

(SFX: SMACK! “OOOOOOH!”)

OBERSTARR: MY GOD! SWEETWATER DREAMS! SWEETWATER DREAMS! PATTON WAS ABSOLUTELY DECAPITATED BY THAT CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL!

MYLDE: OK, now he’s dead…

OBERSTARR: Windham lays back for the pin! ONE! TWOOO! THREE! IT’S OVER!

(SFX: Bell rings)

(CUEUP: “La Grange” by ZZ Top)

SIREN: HERE IS YOUR WINNNNEEEERRRR! BOBBYYYYYYYYY JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINDHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

OBERSTARR: And really, if Patton had got the shoulder up, I’m not sure what else Windham could’ve done to score the pinfall…he threw EVERYTHING at Eddie Patton!

PALAZZO: Two guys you didn’t know about three months ago, and they’re becoming stars before our eyes here in New York City. I’m extremely proud of both guys for giving us a pay-per-view caliber match on free TV, and they’re the reason I’m so excited about this product. F*cking unbelievable…

MYLDE: Now when you say you’re proud of both, you really mean Bobby Jack, don’t you?

PALAZZO: Look, the kid is cocky, no doubt about it, but if he can keep backing it up like this, he can say a f*ckin’ Hail Mary before and after every match, I don’t give a sh*t.

OBERSTARR: RA Palazzo, it was a pleasure having you.

PALAZZO: Likewise, boys. I’ll see you around...

MYLDE: Alright, bon voyage, pay day’s Friday…see you never.

OBERSTARR: Back after this…

(CUTTO: STATIC)

 

[LQJT86C]

xi. Off the reservation

(FADEIN: Hard cam shot of the ring, in the middle of the squared circle a scale straight from the doctor's office!)

OBERSTARR: "Welcome back, everybody, to NLW! And Jimmy, as we can see, there's a scale sitting in the middle of the ring."

MYLDE: "I heard they finally pried your bed-ridden whale of a mother out of her bed - they needed a forklift!"

OBERSTARR: "THAT's not what is going on... sorry mother. I hear this is a weigh-in for the Open Weight Championship Tournament!"

(The sounds of Native American drums arise from the entrance, and with it the crowd rises!)

OBERSTARR: "What's this?"

(Out from the curtain come a pair of dancing Native Americans, in full tribal garb, doing their own rendition of a rain-dance, screams, chants, spears and all! Following them out another pair of Natives, banging loud timpani-like drums, providing the beat!)

MYLDE: "Who let the natives off their lan- (Following the natives comes out a stunning Native American woman, dressed in tribal garb, low-cut top, and the crowd whistles in delight!) -The Indians are coming, the Indians are coming, and that one can come tie me up!"

OBERSTARR: "Will you st-"

MYLDE: "No way, Oberstarr! Pocahontas is all mine!"

(The tribesmen climb into the ring, continuing the tribal drum-beat and rain dance. An official runs to the ring and assists the lady in the ring, who gives him a pec on the cheek, continuing in dance!)

OBERSTARR: "That's one lucky guy!"

MYLDE: "That's the closest he's gotten to a woman since his date with his cupie pillow last night!"

OBERSTARR: "Good God!"

(The rain dance hits a crescendo, and then comes to a stop! The crowd is riled up, wanting some action... SIREN gets up mic in hand!)

SIREN: "WELCOMING TO NEXT LEVEL WRESTLING!! FROM THE MOHEGAN TRIBE! CHIIIIEEEEF BIIIIIG BEEEEEEEHHT!"

(MUSIC UP: "Ecstasy of Gold" - Ennio Morricone)

(CUTTO: The entrance, and out steps CHIEF BIG BET, with a grimace on his face that the crowd instantly hates! With full chieftain head-piece adorned atop his head, Chief Big Bet raises his arms up at his sides, palms up, through his heavily-feathered shawl - revealing a protrusion of a well-fed powderkeg of a gut underneath - slowly turning his head to and forth, scanning the crowd in disdain! Chief Big Bet brings his right hand down to brush off his freshly-pressed grey slacks, and lifts his right foot to check his polished Bruno Maglis, making sure this floor he's stepping on isn't soiling his footwear. Chief Big Bet makes his way toward the ring, walking slow as the crowd hassles him, Big Bet staring bullets back in disdain!)

MYLDE: "Now THIS, Oberstarr... THIS is a man - pardon me - a CHIEF, you should be bowing to!"

OBERSTARR: "I'm trying to wrap my head around something Mylde... why is the scale in the middle of the ring?"

MYLDE: "What are you questioning?"

OBERSTARR: "I don't see why it's in there unless Chief Big Bet is entering someone else into the tournament - the man is clearly over 265 pounds!"

(CHIEF BIG BET arrives at the stairs, grabbing the post as he climbs up to the apron, now getting showered with more hate!)

MYLDE: "Are you questioning a Chief, a leader of the Mohegan? I know you like to play the slots there Oberstarr - he can have your comp card run through the shredder!"

OBERSTARR: "But-"

MYLDE: "But what? The man is in GREAT shape, it hurts no one to have this ceremonial weighing-in!"

(The Pocahontas holds the ropes for CHIEF BIG BET, who enters the ring whilst holding his chieftain head-piece, and stands straight up in full posture, hands on hips, head cocked toward the sky!)

OBERSTARR: "The Hammerstein Ballroom showing their displeasure!"

MYLDE: "These cretins have no one to blame but themselves! They're just mad that they drive up I-95 every weekend and dump their paychecks into Chief Big Bet's slots!"

OBERSTARR: "How would you know?"

MYLDE: "I have connections! I know for a fact the Chief's belt was purchased with your last week's paycheck!"

OBERSTARR: "I... ladies and gentleman, Chief Big Bet has the mic!"

(Chief Big Bet, holding the microphone, waits for silence, but the crowd is having none of it! Big Bet squints his eyes in anger!)

CHIEF BIG BET: "SILENCE, WHITE BLOOD! (Boos!) SILENCE ALL! (BOOS!) Is this how you WHITE BLOOD treat the leader of the Mohegan? (More Boos!) Is this what has been passed to you from your wretched ancestors, the ones who pillaged MY NATIVE LAND? (CHEERS! Mixed with the Boos!) The fair-skin who slaughtered my fore-fathers? (CHEERS!) The SLIME who brought DISEASE to our sacred homes? (CHEERS!)

(Big Bet curls his mouth in anger, a front-row fan on the rail telling him he's Number 1!)

CHIEF BIG BET: "300 years past, you fair-skin tried to destroy my heritage with your disease, but now, Chief Big Bet and Mohegan destroy you all with OUR disease - disease of GAMBLING! (Boos!) You take'em our land, we now take'em your MONEY! (Boos!) Chief Big Bet, leader of biggest Tribal Gambling in ALL LAND, and Mohegan take'em your FAMILY FORTUNE, jus' like you WHITE BLOOD took our LAND!
(BOOS! as Chief Big Bet spits on the mat!)

CHIEF BIG BET: "Now, Chief Big Bet come for more riches. Chief Big Bet come for NLW Open-Weight Championship! (Boos!) I tell white man that Chief Big Bet in great shape, that Chief Big Bet under 265 pounds! And white man say Chief Big Bet lie! (Cheers!) Chief Big Bet lift 265 pounds of gold pillaged from casino coffers every day, Chief Big Bet know how much 265 pound weigh, Chief Big Bet now here to show NLW white man that he weigh LESS than 265, and that Chief Big Bet is good, sleek, and strong to take on you small WHITE BLOOD, and make'em PAY with PUNISHMENT!" (Boos!)

OBERSTARR: "There's no way he's under 265 pounds!"

CHIEF BIG BET: (waving at official) "White man... come weigh Chief Big Bet!"

(BIG BET slowly takes off his head-dress, handing it off to one Native Tribesman, then pulls off his shawl, fully revealing CHIEF BIG BET's built upper-body and bowling ball strong stomach!)

OBERSTARR: "I just don't see... how..."

(CHIEF BIG BET looks over the scale, gives it a gentle kick, and one by one, places his feet in position! The weight rocks back and forth, the official looking intently at the weight, sliding the level looking for the right weight...)

OBERSTARR: "...c'mon official, he's clearly over two six- wait, what- (MYLDE starts to laugh!) -what is Chief Big Bet doing?"

(CHIEF BIG BET digs through his pocket, pulling out what look like crumpled pieces of paper, and throws them onto the mat! The official stops sliding the level and looks up at CHIEF BIG BET, eyes wide open, staring at what he threw down!)

CHIEF BIG BET: "White man... what is on the mat... is yours."

(The official runs over to pick up the paper, and unfurls it - ZOOMIN: 2 Benjamin Franklin $100 bills!)

OBERSTARR: "What?!?!?"

(The official runs over to the ring announcer, and gives her the word!)

SIREN: "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...CHIEF BIG BET’S OFFICAL WEIGHT IS...TWO-HUNDRED, SIXTY FOUR AND ONE HALF POUNDS!" (Crowd goes nuts, loud “Bullsh*t” chant!)

OBERSTARR: "I can't believe it! He paid that official off!"

MYLDE: "You've just learned a lesson, Oberstarr! This is how REAL men do business!"

(Chief Big Bet steps off the scale, wicked grin from ear to ear!)

CHIEF BIG BET: "QUIET, WHITE BLOOD, FOR I BE YOUR NEXT OPEN WEIGHT CHAMPION... YOU WILL CRY A TRAIL OF TEARS... AND YOU WILL ALL... BOW...TO THE CHIEF!"

(MUSIC UP: "Ecstasy of Gold" - Ennio Morricone)

OBERSTARR: This is a disgrace! This man has no right being in the Golden Boy Grand Prix and you know it Jimmy!

MYLDE: Hey he made weight like everyone else- he’s IN! Quit your whining, Oberstarr!

(CUTTO: STATIC)

 

[LQJT86C]

xii. ZESTY...IMPULSE...PANDEMONIUM!

(CUTTO: The entrance way, the camera is there for a beat before CUEUP: “Liquor and Whores” by Bubbles hits on the PA. Zesty Mordant comes through the curtain, rocking a blue mask, blue shirt with “BB” in electrical tape across his chest, along with a lighter blue pair of tights and blue ring boots. He has a blue trashbag hanging from the back of his neck as a cape. In his right hand is a large glass containing rum and coke. Mordant draws a scornful ‘who the hell does this idiot’ sort of reaction from the crowd, as he enters the ring a “Impulse gonna kill you!” chant starts)

SIREN: THIS…IS…THE…MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING!!! INTRODUCING FIRST…FROM THE SUNNYVALE TRAILER PARK IN *DARTMOUTH* *NOVA SCOTIA*!!!!! WEIGHTING IN AT TWWWOOO HUNDRED AND EEEEIGHTTTY THREE!!! POUNDS!! “THE BLLLLLLUUUUUUE BASTARD!!!” ZZZZZESTY!!! MORRR!! DANT!!!

(Zesty, new to the SIREN experience shakes his head as he looks at her, he begins warming up after setting down his drink in the corner)

OBERSTARR: Well Zesty Mordant is making his in ring NLW debut and it’s in the main event here tonight against Impulse.

MYLDE: Well he looks like he’s broke, just about useless and clearly out of shape, who better to represent the losers of this dump than him?

(CUEUP: “Revolution Baby” by Queen V and the crowd pops LOUD! Impulse comes through the curtain, followed by Rosie…The two of them soaking in the loud cheers of the crowd…”IM-PULSE!” chants start almost right away. Impulse is shirtless, black tights, black ring boots. His hands taped up with JFZ written on the tape. Impulse soaks in the crowd reaction before hitting the ring, staring down Mordant the whole time)

SIREN: AND HIS OPPONENT!!! FROM NEW YORK (pop!) NEW YORK! (Pop!) HE WEIGHTS IN AT ONE HUNDRED! AND EIGHTY EIGHT POUNDS!! IMMMMM!!!! PULLLLLLLSSSSSSEEEEE!!!!!

OBERSTARR: Well I think this man represents NLW to the fullest…Impulse, young, up and coming talent from right here in the big apple, the city so nice they named it twice.

MYLDE: You could say the same thing about Sirhan Sirhan.

(Head ref David Nolan gives both men a quick check over for weapons before calling for the bell)

OBERSTARR: We’re underway now. Mordant takes a big swing at Impulse who ducks it. Impulse fires off a series of knife edge chops…(woo!) Zesty tries to grapple Impulse, who ducks behind him and gets a hammerlock. Zesty howls in agony and tries to throw a back elbow at Impulse but can’t get to him. Zesty powers to the ropes and gets himself a break.

MYLDE: Impulse can do all kinds of flashy holds and whatever will you, fact is Zesty can always overpower him and escape with the ropes. Don’t see exactly how Impulse is going keep Zesty in anything for any longer then Zesty wants to be there.

OBERSTARR: Zesty telling Nolan to keep Impulse at bay, and Zesty now goes to his corner and takes a drink from his glass and now he shakes his arm out and he charges at Impulse…Impulse sidesteps and catches Zesty with a drop toe hold. The Blue Bastard now flat on his belly as Impulse floats over into a headlock…Zesty trying to fight to his feet and now he gets up…Zesty back to his feet and he lifts Impulse off his feet and THROWS him off..Impulse lands on his feet and quickly rushes to the ropes…Impulse comes back, shoulder block on Zesty, nothing doing! Zesty dares impulse to try it again…Impulse back off the ropes, and he throws a dropkick into the knee of Mordant sending the big man crashing to that mat!

MYLDE: That cheat! Zesty wanted a shoulder block attempt and Impulse takes a cheap shot and cuts his knee out! This boy scout image of Impulse is all a lie!

OBERSTARR: I didn’t see anything in the rule book that says a dropkick to the knee is illegal Jimmy.

MYLDE: Sure thing, Impulse apologist!

OBERSTARR: Mordant tries to get back to his feet…While he was on his knees he gets dropkicked right in the face by Impulse…Impulse with a cover (One!) (Two!) NO! Zesty powers out…Impulse gets back to his feet…Zesty gets to his feet…Impulse fires a series of kicks to the gut of Zesty…Zesty sent to the corner…HE CHARGES OUT OF THE CORNER AND BEHEADS IMPULSE WITH A CLOTHESLINE! (Boos!)

MYLDE: That’ll learn these morons, a not so good big man will beat a good little man anytime.

OBERSTARR: Calling Impulse good is high praise from you Mylde.

MYLDE: Hey he seems to have some idea what he’s doing. I’ll give him that, but not much more.

OBERSTARR: Zesty now takes off that garbage bag cape and now he’s choking the daylights out of Impulse! Nolan giving Zesty a 5 count to break it and Zesty does and now Nolan grabbing that trash bag and throwing it out of the ring…

(“What are you doing?! That’s part of my ring gear!” Zesty yells at Nolan, who doesn’t even bother with a reply)

MYLDE: Now that doesn’t seem right, if a man wants to fight with a trash bag stuck to his back, why should this ref deny him that?

OBERSTARR: He was using it as a weapon…Frankly I think senior official David Nolan was giving The Blue Bastard some lee-way there even letting this match continue…Zesty gets Impulse up and SLAMS him hard to the mat….The Blue Bastard off the ropes…DROPS AN ELBOW! NOBODY HOME! (pop!) Impulse quickly back up and locks on an armbar…Zesty gives a shout of pain and shakes his head no to the ref. Zesty tries to fight to his feet but Impulse keeps holding that arm, keeping Zesty on the mat

(“Stretch his ass Impulse!” one fan yells, getting a laugh)

MYLDE: The always highly educated NLW fan base, showing the world their genius.

OBERSTARR: Zesty now fighting to his feet, and he just LIFTS Impulse up and now has Impulse on his shoulders…Airplane spin by The Blue Bastard! He gets whirling like a dervish and now he puts Impulse down…Zesty himself appears to be dazed…But Impulse armdrags him to the mat and re-secures that arm bar!

MYLDE: He’s like a wrestling robot or something, this guy isn’t normal, or even human I don’t think. Strange little man this Impulse is.

OBERSTARR: I’d call him effective Mylde. Zesty looks still dazed from his own airplane spin, but now the pain of his arm being extended snaps him back to reality. The Blue Bastard making his way back to his feet, Impulse catches him with a knee to the gut, and another shot…Impulse with a spinning thrust kick catches Mordant right in the stomach. Impulse off the ropes…CLOTHESLINE takes down the big man! (Crowd clapping, cheering!) Impulse with a cover (One!) Leg (Two!) hooked and NO! Zesty fires the shoulder out at two and a half. Impulse quickly gets behind Zesty and secures a headlock. Impulse keeping the bigger man down, not letting The Blue Bastard use his power to try to get control of this match.

MYLDE: He’s using proper tactics, and well, he’s fighting an out of shape drunk….I’d have to say the wrestling IQ of the two men is most likely a 100 point gap or so.

OBERSTARR: Zesty gets to his feet, Impulse quickly hops on Zesty’s back, keeping his weight on him, making the big man work…Zesty charges backward…Impulse gets out of the way and Zesty SMASHES himself into the corner! Zesty staggers out of the corner…Impulse with a BIG hiptoss gets the nearly 300 pound man air born and sends him crashing to the mat, and Impulse, like a shark smelling blood goes right back to that arm!

MYLDE: Does this kid have a life outside of wrestling? Honestly, does he wake up and just hit the gym thinking about double leg takedows and keylocks.

OBERSTARR: His girlfriend Rosie is outside the ring cheering him on…And we do a great deal of his personal life on TV…

MYLDE: But I think it’s all a put on, he’s just this single minded maniac like Tiger Woods….Oh wait, he has his own problems now doesn’t he?

OBERSTARR: Yeah, you could say that…Zesty looks just exhausted at this point as he’s trying to once again fight his way up from another Impulse take down….Zesty gets to his feet, he swings with his free arm at Impulse who ducks it and cracks him with a forearm to the jaw, and a series of knife edge chops to Zesty’s chest…Impulse now with a dropkick! And another! Zesty crashes to the mat! Impulse off the ropes, drops a leg! Off the ropes again…ANOTHER legdrop! Impulse now moving Zest y into position near the corner. Impulse going up top, SHOOTING STAR PRESS! ZESTY GETS UP THE KNEES AND ELBOWS! (Crowd groans!)

MYLDE: I thought that was going to be the end of it, the kid hand worked Zesty so well with the mat wrestling and technical stuff, but he had to get flashy and now he may pay for it.

OBERSTARR: Rosie outside the ring screaming out to Impulse to try to rally to his feet, Zesty is up first and he’s stomping away on Impulse…Zesty DROPS AN ELBOW into the ribs of Impulse, and that’s a man that’s nearly three hundred pounds doing that…The Blue Bastard now grabs Impulse up and locks a bearhug! Impulse having the breath SQUEEZED out of him.

MYLDE: Now it’s the big man’s turn to lock in the painful holds.

OBERSTARR: Impulse stuck in this hold (crowd clapping!) Impulse now grabbing one of Zesty’s wrists…Impulse breaks his grip and gets an arm bar…ZESTY EXPLODES WITH A SHORT ARM CLOTHESLINE! He knocked Impulse silly and covers! (One!) (Two!) NO! Only two!

MYLDE: That was a sloppy cover, he didn’t really get a lateral press or hook a leg, I could have kicked out of that.

OBERSTARR: I wasn’t aware you were an expert in the ways of pins.

MYLDE: Well you have this perfect wrestler guy in there and you get sloppy, well it just makes me laugh is all. Don’t forget I had business relations with a man who had an issue with Impulse, so I know this guy. I wouldn’t mind seeing him beat.

OBERSTARR: Zesty stomps Impulse a couple times and now he goes over to his rum and coke and finishes it…Impulse getting to his feet and Zesty rushes over and kicks him in the ribs. Zesty throws impulse to the floor and follows him outside.

MYLDE: This is what the big man needs to do, rough up this guy with whatever tactics he cares to use.

OBERSTARR: Zesty walks away from Impulse and rips a beer out of the hands of a fan in the front row! The fan trying to jump the railing now...this might cause a riot!

(A bunch of fans are swinging at Zesty, who throws back in kind as security pile onto the area trying to break them up. “F*ck him up!” chants start)

MYLDE: Or he can get the company closed down…I mean either way, six of one half dozen of the other I guess.

OBERSTARR: Security in a dog pile near that side of the ring where the fans are still trying to get over the railing and after The Blue Bastard…Zesty meanwhile has gotten himself away from them and is enjoying his stolen beer…WAIT! Impulse comes in from behind…With a move like a linebacker trying to strip the ball from a quarterback he’s attacking from behind Impulse knocks that beer out of Zesty’s hand and to the floor! Zesty spins around and gets himself kicked in the ribs a couple times and a hard forearm to the chin!

MYLDE: I’m not understanding Impulse’s tactics here, if my opponent wanted to drink himself into a coma, I’d let him. Hell, I’d supply the booze!

OBERSTARR: Impulse is about honoring this sport and I’m sure he’s not looking to win by having his opponent be to incompetent to fight….Oh Jesus a fan is trying to get in the ring…David Nolan and security keeping him out of the ring as Impulse follows Zesty into the ring…ZESTY KICKS THE ROPES AS IMPULSE WAS STRADDLING IT! (Groan!) That would have been a disqualification for sure had the ref not been tied up with the aftermath of the near riot The Blue Bastard had just triggered moments ago!

MYLDE: You know I really don’t think Zesty had any idea the ref wasn’t looking, I think he just did that move hoping it would work, if he got disqualified for it, so be it, man doesn’t seem so bright to me.

OBERSTARR: Nolan finally free from the fan who’s been pulled away from the ring, and all he sees is Zesty stomping away on Impulse…The Blue Bastard now gets Impulse and locks in a cobra clutch…He elevates him…COBRA CLUTCH SLAM!!

(Impulses eyes bug out like dinner plates as he was dropped at a really bad angle, David Nolan rushes over and seems to be talking to Impulse for a second before backing away)

MYLDE: Well this Zesty fellow…Maybe he should be called The Green Bastard…

OBERSTARR: Zesty over for the cover…(One!) Is this (Two!) it?! NO! (Pop!) Impulse out at two…Zesty locks on a chinlock and really has Impulse doubled over…The big man grinding away on Impulse now, trying to wear out his opponent in tonight’s main event…

MYLDE: I’d say he’s trying to catch himself a breather, Zesty isn’t exactly in tip top shape.

OBERSTARR: Impulse fighting to get his hands on The Blue Bastard’s wrist…And now he’s breaking free of the chinlock…Zesty trying to keep Impulse down but Impulse gets to his feet and with a quick switch the Marathon Man gets behind Zesty and locks in a hammer lock…Impulse with an foot sweep sends Zesty to the mat and now he’s grinding out this hammerlock…

MYLDE: Earlier in this match Zesty was just muscling the little man to the ropes, now he’s just laying in the middle of the ring like a beached whale…This bodes poorly for The Blue Bastard.

OBERSTARR: Zesty crawling his way to the ropes…Impulse sees what’s coming and he lets go of the hold and goes off the opposite ropes…He charges at Zesty who’s to his feet…ZESTY DROPS DOWN…HE BACKDROPS IMPULSE OVER THE TOP TO THE FLOOR! IMPULSE SPLATTERED ON THE FLOOR!

(Crowd Buzzing, booing! Zesty looks over at the fallen Impulse and yells ‘Count! Count!’ at the ref, he then stumbles over to the corner near the entranceway and yells ‘drink!’)

OBERSTARR: Who the hell is this guy? Some rail thin, and rather tall man, with a bottle of RC cola on ice and a bottle of rum. He pours the two into Zesty’s glass as the ref gets to 4 on his count on Impulse…

(“Gimme a smoke too!” Zesty yells, and the man hands him a cigarette…The man lights it for Zesty, who after chugging his drink says “This sh*t is harder than it looks on TV.” Nolan gets to 8 as Impulse crawls into the ring, drawing a pop from the crowd!)

MYLDE: Well I guess Randall Knox is going to try to gut this one out after all.

OBERSTARR: We’re not exactly in the business of that smark bullsh*t of talking about people’s real names Jimmy.

MYLDE: What? I see a guy on my TV do it all the time, it’s edgy, and hip…

OBERSTARR: If you say so…

MYLDE: What, do you have a problem being called by your name Oberstarr, or should I call you BRIAN?

OBERSTARR: We’re gonna be the darlings of the internet after that one….Zesty still smoking in the corner as Impulse is trying to get back into this match…Zesty finally finishes off his smoke and waves off his rather creepy looking minion before putting the boots to Impulse. Zesty pulls Impulse to his feet…He gets him up for a powerslam…AND FLATTENS HIM INTO THE MAT! COVER! (One!) (Two!) TWO AND NO! Another cover! (One!) (Two!) NO DICE! Zesty with a series of right hands to the face of Impulse and a cover!! (One!) Can he get (Two!) him?! NO! Impulse again powers out!

MYLDE: Zesty must be getting desperate, he can feel the gas tank nearing the E…He’s got to put Impulse away sooner rather than later.

OBERSTARR: Zesty pulls Impulse up to his feet…He lifts him up…Inverted atomic drop…Impulse hunches over…Zesty off the ropes…BOWLS IMPULSE OVER WITH A SHOULDERBLOCK! But that was the arm Impulse has been working the whole match, Zesty staggers to the ropes in pain, Impulse is flat out on his back…

MYLDE: Idiot! He had this match if he’d used his other arm!

OBERSTARR: The Blue Bastard staggers over and covers…(One!) Leg hooked! (Two!) NO! Oh that was close! (Clapping! “Impulse” chant starts) Zesty glaring at David Nolan, now getting in his face (“Count him out dammit! I had him!” “It was a 2 count!”) Now they are having a heated exchange…Zesty shakes his head and finally goes back to Impulse…He pulls Impulse to his feet…Zesty rocks him with a right hand, and another, Impulse staggers backwards…THROWS THE SUPERKICK!!! SUDDEN IMPACT RIGHT ON THE JAW!!! BOTH MEN DOWN BUT ZESTY IS OUT COLD!! (Crowd erupts!)

MYLDE: Man this Impulse…You give him anything and he’ll just clean your clock…Damn you Zesty for failing me, damn you!

OBERSTARR: Impulse trying to get his head clear…I don’t know if he even knows how badly hurt The Blue Bastard is…Impulse crawling and he jumps on top of Zesty! (One!) THE COVER (Two!) FOOT ON THE ROPES!! (Crowd boos loud!) David Nolan, senior NLW official tapping Impulse on the shoulder and showing him the leg on the ropes that broke the pin, Impulse just can’t believe it…He’s weathered such a storm and connected on that Sudden Impact out of nowhere and yet it wasn’t enough to get the win…

MYLDE: Oh I’m crying poor Impulse a river, what with his ‘sky is the limit’ press clippings and legions of worshipful fans…Yeah, he’s got a rough life just cause he can’t put away some fat drunk. Maybe you just all overrate him cause he’s little and knows a few moves.

OBERSTARR: The hateful venom of Jimmy Mylde coming to the fore…Impulse getting back to his feet, now he’s waiting on Zesty to get up…We may in store for a second Sudden Impact here…Zesty to his feet…Impulse charges towards Zesty…WHO CHARGES IMPULSE! THE TWO MEN CRASH INTO EACH OTHER!

MYLDE: Big man Vs Little man, big man wins that every time.

OBERSTARR: That was like a car crash, and Impulse got the worst of it for sure. Zesty pops back to his knees and trying to get himself straightened out, which with all the booze he’s already drank in this match might be a bit of a task…Zesty taking some deep breaths as he holds himself up by the ropes…Impulse up to feet…ZESTY WITH A RUNNING KNEE STRIKE TO THE TEMPLE! (“OHH!”) He just clocked Impulse! Zesty with a cover! (One!) Is this (Two!) it? NO!! MY GOD HOW DID IMPULSE KICK OUT?! (Crowd pops) Zesty hooks a leg for another cover! (One!) (Two!) NO!! Zesty grabs BOTH legs and DRIVES into Impulse! (One!) (Two!) IMPULSE ESCAPES AGAIN! (big pop!) Zesty banging on the mat in disgust…He pulls himself to his feet, The Blue Bastard looks worn out.

MYLDE: You try fighting Impulse when you’re half in the bag and 50 pounds overweight and see how you look at the 15 minute mark Oberstarr.

OBERSTARR: Zesty trying to get back up to feet, pulling himself up by the ropes…impulse might have the endurance but he’s taking the abuse…Zesty now waiting on Impulse to get up…Impulse to his feet…Zesty fires a big boot! Impulse catches it! Foot sweep by Impulse into a rolling cradle! (One!) Can he hold (Two!) him!? NO! Zesty scrambles to his feet, and falls prey to an INSIDE CRADLE! (One!) HE’S GOT (Two!) HIM! NO!! Zesty and Impulse back to their feet but Impulse firing away with right hands.

MYLDE: Closed Fists! The lie of Impulse exposed for all to see!

OBERSTARR: Oh give me a break Jimmy…Impulse with a roundhouse kick to the jaw of Zesty that sends the Blue Bastard crashing to the mat…Impulse wastes no time with a cover! (One!) Leg hooked! (Two!) IS THIS?! NO! Zesty gets the shoulder up at the LAST split second!

MYLDE: Zesty can’t weather much of an onslaught at this point, I’ve seen guys in this condition before, they are just looking for a spot on the canvas to fall down on.

OBERSTARR: Impulse I think senses that as well and he’s staying on top of The Blue Bastard Impulse hammering away with elbows and forearms from the mount…Zesty’s trying to fight Impulse off of him…He flips Impulse over, but Impulse suckered him into it, and slapped on a Triangle Choke out of nowhere! What a slick move!

MYLDE: Dammit, even when you‘re winning you’re losing against him!

OBERSTARR: That’s locked in tight…WAIT!! ZESTY ELEVATES IMPULSE…POWER BOMB OUT OF THE TRIANGLE CHOKE! (“Holy sh*t” chant!) What a move! Both men down, Zesty might be passed out!

MYLDE: Yeah, and Impulse might be dead!

OBERSTARR: Both men down on the mat, and neither one is moving, this would just a shame if this match ended on a double count out, David Nolan up to 5 on the count.

MYLDE: I don’t like either man’s odds (Six!) to get up here, Zesty’s just about blacked out from exhaustion and being drunk, and Impulse, (Seven!) well he just got broken into pieces.

OBERSTARR: We’re up to eight, neither man is showing much life…(Nine!) Wait! Impulse grabs the ropes and pulls himself to his feet! (Pop!) this match continues…Impulse sees Zesty laying on his stomach and rushes over to him…WAIT! ZESTY GRABS HIM IN A INSIDE CRADLE! (One!) HE’S GOT THE TIGHTS (Two!) NO! IMPULSE KICKS OUT!

MYLDE: I do admire him at least grabbing the tights, but he never got the second leg hooked, not gonna hold this kid down without getting everything right, and a little cheating for good measure.

OBERSTARR: They both get to their feet and Zesty CRACKS Impulse with a big right hand staggering the Marathon Man back into the ropes…Zesty catches him off the rebound and hooks him…He’s going for The Big Dirty, he’s delayed Brainbuster! Zesty trying to hold Impulse up…Impulse with knee strikes to the head while upside down…Zesty falls backwards and it ends up being a delayed vertical suplex!

MYLDE: I don’t know if Zesty planned to just switch to a suplex or if the knee strikes just made him fall backwards, either way he landed the move.

OBERSTARR: Both men down…Zesty crawling over trying to make a cover…He gets an arm over Impulse’s chest (One!) (Two!) NO!! (clapping!) Zesty gets to his feet, doubled over, hands on his knees, he looks like a man who’s fired every shell he has and doesn’t know what he needs to do to get rid of Impulse.

MYLDE: These two spent a long time arguing about eggs or breakfast or whatever the hell they were talking about, well Zesty is finding out what being in the ring is all about and Impulse is learning he’s not so much better than the rest of the guys in NLW.

OBERSTARR: The Blue Bastard waving for Impulse to get to his feet…Impulse is up, Zesty hooks him for The Big Dirty…NO! impulse switches it, STUNNER! NO! Zesty shoves him off…IMPULSE LANDS AND SPRINGS INTO ZESTY WITH A SUDDEN IMPACT! ZESTY SIDESTEPS! HE GRABS IMPULSE BY THE NECK!! DDT’S HIM INTO THE MAT! (“Ohh!”) ZESTY PLANTED HIM! (One!) (Two!) NOT ENOUGH! Impulse escaping by the skin of his teeth!

MYLDE: Zesty doesn’t even have the energy to complain to the ref or go for another cover. He’s doing all he can for one big burst of energy at a time.

OBERSTARR: Zesty has been in a war here, and can he find a way to keep Impulse, RA Palazzo’s big signing, down…Zesty now back over to Impulse and he stands over Impulse throwing down right hand after right hand...Impulse grapevines Zesty’s left leg! He rolls through and takes Zesty down, he’s got an anklelock! Zesty is howling in agony! Impulse standing in the middle of the ring with that leg being twisted! The Blue Bastard is in all kinds of trouble!

MYLDE: I don’t know if he can get to the ropes!

OBERSTARR: Zesty trying to inch towards the ropes…Impulse pulls him back to the middle of the ring…AND DROPS DOWN INTO A HEEL HOOK!! Zesty lets out a scream of pain, he’s stuck in the middle of the ring! He’s not making any progress to the ropes at all (“TAP!” chant) Zesty with his arms over his face, he doesn’t want to tap, but there may no escape for him!

MYLDE: He’s not moving at all, he’s gotta do something or this is done!

OBERSTARR: Zesty reaching but the ropes are far, far away…HE TAPS!! (Big pop! Bell rings!) IT’S OVER!! IMPULSE HAS DONE IT!

(Impulse breaks the hold and rolls over onto his stomach, both men laying on the mat breathing hard. CUEUP: “Revolution Baby” by Queen V. The crowd chanting “Impulse!”)

SIREN: HERE IS YOUR WIIIIIINNNNNERRRRR!!!! IMMMM!!! PULLLLLLSSSEEE!!!!

(Impulse gets to his feet and gets a hug from Rosie who’s entered the ring. They hold each other for a few more moments before Impulse lets go of her with one arm so that David Nolan can raise his arm in victory, drawing another big pop from the crowd)

OBERSTARR: This was an absolute battle, say what you will about Zesty Mordant, but the man came to fight tonight and gave Impulse all he could handle.

MYLDE: Screw him, he lost. I ain’t gonna get any of my money back from the book if Bobby Jack Windham loses but gives an A for effort.

OBERSTARR: Well you might have backed Windham with your cash, but this crowd is clearly behind Impulse and tonight he brought them a victory in the main event. Next week, we’ll decide our KING OF ALL MONSTERS! Don’t miss the first night of the Open Weight Grand Prix! WHO’S IT GONNA BE? Zesty? Magnus? Maeda? An unknown? I’m Brian Oberstarr- we’ll SEE YOU THEN!

(In the ring Impulse is on the second rope, taking in the cheers of the crowd)

(FADE TO BLACK)

Copyright: 2010 NEXT LEVEL WRESTLING/All rights reserved